Chapter Text
it was dark outside, exactly how i wanted it. no longer because it was the middle of the night- it was late enough, well i guess early enough, that the sun had begun to rise, - but because it was storming. violently. appropriately. like my mind. as i stepped onto the bridge, it became even easier to feel the wind whipping my wet, unruly curls around my face; i hadn’t bothered getting a haircut in months. i should have felt cold, but instead i felt nothing. and everything. i felt everything. i kept walking across the bridge but became aware that i was slowly growing more and more nervous as i neared my destination. i pushed these thoughts to the side; i would do this. i had to. the more determined that i could, in fact, follow through with my plan that i became, the faster i began walking. i needed to do this- wanted it, even.
i had reached the middle of the bridge. when i turned to face the side of the huge bridge, the river looked truly impressive. the huge dark waves reaching in every direction for something they were missing. it would seem frantic if it weren’t so beautiful. if i didn’t know that tomorrow morning when the storm ended, the water would settle back into submission- content with how things were. peaceful. how it should be. i knew that i would never be so complacent. i would never be satisfied with the calm. i couldn’t be. not anymore. too much had changed to ever go back to normal. i couldn’t make myself pretend to be the same anymore. to be happy.
with my resolution in mind i began to walk towards the railing of the bridge. incapable of taking my eyes off the river so much like me, yet so different. as i climb over the railing on the side of the bridge and looked over the edge, and while watching the angry waves crashing together as they reached upwards in their search, i thought for a moment that maybe this truly was what was meant to happen. that i was meant to end the river’s search for completion. that, for once, i was wanted. needed.
at that thought i let out a laugh, immediately lost into the storm. this is was a cold laugh. hollow. unfeeling. lifeless. because i knew it was a lie. no one had ever wanted me. and certainly this river did not want me. there was no way my chaotic, disconnected mind could bring peace to these waters. no way i could be the object of their search.
it was around this time that i began to hear the voice. go ahead. do it. you’re so close now. you can never go back to how it used to be. do. it. you have to. but i continued standing on the side of the bridge. staring out at the water and watching the way the wind caused the branches on the trees to thrash violently. i focused on the way that same wind moved around my body. over my skin. through my hair. moving my clothes against my body. focused on feeling the wind on my skin. hearing in in my ears. and i almost lost the voice into the wind, but it came back to my ears. stronger. angry now. you can’t do ANYTHING right. why haven’t you moved. just do it. JUMP. this is what you want, right? why are you still standing here. you have to do this. you don’t have a choice. you have to jump.
a second voice joined it. this one sweeter. more understanding. i know this is what you want. you know it too. you know that this is what you want. what you have wanted for years. and you’ve finally built up the courage to do it. i know you can do it. i believe in you.
and another voice. louder than the first. angrier than the first. you disgust me. you absolutely disgust me. this is what YOU want and you don’t even have the guts to do it. you’re pathetic. more and more voices reach my ears all encouraging me in different ways. urging me to my end. and they’re right- the end that i want. i don’t have the slightest idea why i’m still standing on the edge of this bridge desperately holding onto the railing, as if i was afraid to fall. i want this to end. i inhale deeply and look up the ominous and sinister sky and scream.
then something strange happens. over my scream and over all the voices telling me to give in, there comes another voice. louder. and this voice sounds frantic. almost terrified. HEY! DON’T DO IT. STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE. DON’T MOVE. DON’T JUMP. YOU WOULD REGRET IT IF YOU COULD. DON’T DO IT. DON’T JUMP. DON’T MOVE. STAY THERE. and i can’t take it. it’s too much. i scream again.
“SHUT UP. I CAN’T TAKE IT.”
but the voice doesn’t shut up. instead it seems to get closer. STOP. DON’T DO IT. IT CAN GET BETTER. I PROMISE. I PROMISE IT CAN GET BETTER DON’T JUMP. PLEASE TURN AROUND AND COME BACK OVER THE RAILING. confused, i turned around- and was astonished to see the silhouette of another boy running towards me as fast as he could. the utter shock of an actual person being the source of this voice cause me to slip, and instead of taking that opportunity to follow through with my plan, i continued clinging onto the railing as the boy began running even faster. he was getting close now. too close. my voices reminded me. you have to do it now there isn’t much time. but i was frozen. i hadn’t anticipated being caught. i hadn’t anticipated anyone trying to stop me. and by the time i figured out that i still wanted to jump, it was too late.
i felt a hand grab onto my arm, and noticed for the first time how badly i was shaking. when i tried to pull my arm away, the stranger wrapped both of his arms around my body. he was much stronger than i was. i could have never struggled enough to get away from him. as he began to pull my shuddering body over the railing, i was overwhelmed with the realization that i had failed. i would now have to at least survive until the next morning. this stranger thought he was saving me, but he was condemning me to another day in my own personal hell.
my name is parker booth. and I am not depressed. I have schizoaffective disorder.