Chapter Text
"I thought what I'd do was pretend I was one of those deaf-mutes. That way I shouldn't have to have any goddamn stupid useless conversations with anybody..."
-J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye
LOADING...
Unlike most schools, all Kyoto Jujutsu High students ate lunch in the same room. This was because there were only seven students in the whole school.
The only student who ate away from the group was second-year Mechamaru. That’s because his physical body was a wood and steel puppet, with no internal organs with which to process food.
The real Mechmaru did not eat solid food either, he received nutrition from a feeding tube.
Anyway.
That chattering of students sounded like buzzing cicadas. The raucous noise made it difficult to focus his attention on the book he was reading, he’d read the same sentence thirteen times now.
Mechamaru could not convey emotions with his face and spoke in a voice as dull as Microsoft SAM so it was no surprise he was often excluded from conversations. On top of that over eleven years spent locked in his room his only reference for how teenagers socialize was the various anime he’d watch set in high school. Which gave him the social skills of your average Otaku.
Which was why he always stood just outside the group. Even if he wanted to be in the middle of things, it wasn’t really him standing there just a mechanical double.
“I bet he’s actually a forty-year-old neckbeard who only showers once a week pretending to be younger so he can hit on high school girls.”
“Momo, you’re our senpai. Tell Mai to knock it off.”
“Maybe he’s one of those shut-in Otaku who’s tugging it to anime all day long.”
“Why don’t any of you know how to behave?”
“Just relax and take your pants off, Miwa. His Skype call is lagging he probably can’t hear any of us.”
It’s so nice to have peers my own age. Mechamaru listened to the bugs continue to chitter and squeak. Apparently, he’d become the topic of discussion. Since when had he become so popular?
Whenever Mechamaru wanted to avoid an uncomfortable conversation he pretended to be AFK. However, among the cruel teenagers, there was one girl who it was impossible for him to ignore.
“Look, see! You guys made him cry!”
Kasumi Miwa stood up in front of everyone, drawing attention to Mechamaru’s seat by the window. Mechamaru could not laugh or shed tears. So he did not know where Miwa got the notion he was crying.
“Why isn’t he saying anything? Do you think he’s broken?” Kamo asked.
“He’s obviously mad because Mai’s always gotta run her mouth. Would it kill you to be nice for just five minutes?”
“Just five minutes, huh?” Mai shook her head, “Nah, I hate being nice to men.”
“We don’t know their gender. Robots probably don’t even have a gender. Hey, Mechamaru what’s your pronouns?” Todo asked.
Mechamaru did not care what his classmates said. Just getting the chance to watch everyone get rowdy and mess around was better than his hospital room where the only noise was the steady beeping of his EKG machine.
“Mai, don’t ask him that!”
Apparently, Mechamaru had missed something, “Huh?”
“Hey, buddy is skype lagging again?” Mai grinned evilly, like one of those popular girl bullies that showed up in every high school anime, “I said we’re going on a date.” She repeated, and then for some reason tilted her head as she considered something.
“No, that’s not it. A date…”
“…?”
“What would you think about...a...date…”
“…”
Wait a second! Did Mai really not know how to just ask for something instead of giving orders?
“Mai, you shouldn’t ask him on a date as a joke – it’s mean.”
“I may be mean on the outside but deep down-”
“Deep down you’re still an awful person.”
“How rude, Miwa,” Mai gasped in mock offense, “That’s the first time anyone has ever said that about me.”
“Really?”
“If anything, people tell me the opposite. ‘What a lovely personality’ they say.”
“They’re being sarcastic!”
What a lovely personality, Mai had.
“All right,” Mai said as she started to ask again though the lead-in wasn’t remotely all right. “We’re all going on a date to the Tanabata festival together in the city. Me, Miwa, Momo and you too Mechamaru. Any complaints...I mean, questions?”
“No, Ma’am.”
So he wasn’t being invited out on a date. He was being ordered to go on a date with the three of them. Mechamaru had been planning to finish binging SSSS Gridman that evening, but he felt like if he gave Mai that excuse she’d laugh in his face.
He returned to his dorm quickly after class, making sure to avoid the girls especially Miwa. There was no need to give an entire dorm room for a robot body that didn’t need to sleep. A storage closet would have worked just as well – but the school assigned him one and he did his best to furnish it according to his personality.
Moving his robot around while observing his room from far away felt a little bit like playing the Sims. Countless posters of mecha anime from FLCL, to Gunbuster, to Ebangelion along with the Gunpla models lining the shelves gave the impression of a room belonging to a much younger boy.
There was no need for a bed or a dresser but he’d brought them in regardless to complete the room. There was also a television set, a couch, and a table he used mainly for painting and assembling Gunpla models. He’d pulled out every piece of clothing from inside the dresser drawers and laid them out on the bedspread. Which was pointless – because he owned several copies of his school uniform and nothing else.
In anime girls often showed up to those festivals in Yukata. He pictured Miwa doing the same with her long hair tied back. He’d never met Miwa outside of school so he had no idea what she wore on her days off while she was just being herself.
The clothes you wore were an expression of yourself – oh it didn’t matter what Mechamaru wore.
He wasn’t dressing himself, he was dressing a mannequin, a puppet he controlled from far away.
Kokichi wasn’t going on a date tonight.
Kokichi wasn’t even leaving his room.
Mai didn’t live at the dorms so they agreed to meet up at the train station instead. Momo and Miwa took longer to get ready so he went ahead of them alone.
Fifteen minutes past the meeting time, then thirty, then an hour.
Mechamaru was ready to give up when he spotted – her.
She took away – his breath.
The real Kokichi forgot to breathe and Mechamaru mimicked that motion letting his jaw fall open.
As far as outfits went by everyone else’s standards it wasn’t particularly flattering. It wasn’t a Yukata nor did it show off any skin. Miwa dressed herself in typical “day-off” clothes, a black short-sleeved T, skinny jeans, and sneakers with a jacket draped over her shoulders. Miwa was a girl he made sure to speak to in school every day, but seeing how she dressed outside of school felt like he’d walked in on her naked.
Miwa turned her head and saw him, or rather she saw the Mechamaru doll. “Sorry I’m late – Takemichi and Takeo hid my shoes and threw my makeup away because they didn’t want me going out with a boy. My brothers try to scare away any boy that comes near me, but I’m not going out with a boy I’m going out with you – right, Mechamaru?”
Did he not count as a boy in her mind? Well, it’s not like he could do anything about it anyway if he found Miwa physically desirable. Maybe if he had a flesh and blood body he’d feel that way. While he was contemplating that he caught sight of Miwa’s hair which was tied back revealing the back of her neck, and the divet of her shoulder. He had no idea what was so compelling about seeing a little bit of her bare skin usually concealed by her long hair, but he couldn’t take Mechamaru’s eyes off of it.
They talked – well, Miwa talked and fifteen minutes passed. Miwa clucked her tongue in annoyance, “It’s just like Mai to be this late.”
There are two kinds of girls. Girls who know they’re hot, but are nice anyway, and girls who will make your life a living hell. Miwa is Betty, and Mai is definitely Veronica, or you know Vampirella.
“Mai can be selfish.”
“Hey, watch what you’re saying. Mai may be a bitch, but she’s my bitch.”
Apparently, he had critically misunderstood female friendship. Miwa kept checking her phone until it finally buzzed, “Good luck on your date, Love Mai and Momo. Wait I don’t get it, Date with who?” Miwa slowly raised her head and made eye contact, “...Oh!”
Oh.
Momo and Mai pretended it was a group date only to pull out at the last second. Mechamaru looked at his feet not wanting to see Miwa’s reaction, “It’s okay, we can stop pretending-”
Pretending to be what?
A normal boy and a normal girl?
“We don’t have to stop.”
Mechamaru raised his head. Her Hawaiian-blue hair, the small frame of her body, and a one hundred percent diluted smile, all overwhelmed him.
“Our date… is it over, yet?” Miwa asked him.
“No…” He didn’t believe the words that came out of his mouth. Who was speaking? Who was in control now? Certainly not Kokichi, the boy who never left his room.
Miwa smiled, though Mechamaru did not know what could possibly make her happy about spending a night with him. Despite the fact that they both acknowledged out loud it was a date, their conversation on the train wasn’t too different from the ones they had at school.
“Have you ever been to one of these festivals before?”
The answer to that was no, but saying he’d physically die if separated from his life support wasn’t information he wanted to give Miwa. He recalled an episode of anime instead. “One time I went to the festival with my friends, but then my childhood friend and I got separated from the group. She broke her sandal and I had to carry her on my back all the way up the hill. Then while we were both watching the fireworks we had our first kiss.”
Miwa listened, and tilted her head confused about something, “Wait… you have friends?”
Why was that the part she found surprising?
“Well, I don’t have any friends either. The monsters are murder on my social life. I haven’t been able to leave the house for anything since work since Mom was hospitalized. I guess we’re both unpopular losers, Hooray!”
“Monsters?”
“My little brothers.”
From the context, he discerned Miwa must take care of her household alone because her mother’s hospitalization made her unable to. He didn’t dig any farther into her home situation, he wasn’t planning on telling her about herself after all.
“You’re different, Mechamaru.”
“Yes, I noticed.”
“No, not because of the robot thing - because you listen. I get that I’m kind of boring but every time I try to talk about myself other people talk over me.”
“Then, being different is a good thing in my case?”
Miwa nodded, “In your case it is.”
After saying that, Miwa had started to lean on his shoulders, probably tired from the walk here and the train ride. He could not feel the softness of her curves or the weight of her small body against his. When he was young and he was first told he could use the Mechamaru units to move around, he was so excited at the notion of piloting a robot body. Moments like these reminded him what others saw as a body was little more than an empty shell.
When they stepped off the train they were surrounded by people of all ages, faces hidden by festival masks. Kokichi saw Oni, and Tengu, and foxes were the most common. The festivities centered in the city square. The wide streets were filled with a multitude of stalls, food vendors, games, and the like.
There were people, people, people, and more people. More people than Kokichi had ever seen in a life spent hidden away in his room. Obviously, the Mechamaru unit could not walk free in public so even on missions he avoided the crowds. The swell of humanity in the street was coupled with an influx of weak curses, though all seemed to be the pathetic, squishy sort not worth exorcizing. The youkai masks and the curses together made it look like they’d left the real world behind.
Miwa surveyed the teeming crowd. Her hand went for Mechamuar’s only to miss when he pulled away at the last minute. “Don’t you want to hold hands?” She stuck up her outer lip – was she pouting?
“Why?”
“Well, what if one of us gets lost in the crowd?”
“If you get lost, I’ll find you.”
He didn’t know where his confidence came from, but he knew for certain he would.
“Really?”
“Yeah, your hair is fucking blue so it’s easy to spot you in a crowd.”
Miwa huffed and picked up her pace, walking ahead of him. Running all the anime he’d seen that featured boys and girls going to festivals together through his head he tried to figure out what went wrong. It was pointless anyway – even if they held hands he’d be missing out on the warmth of her skin.
There was no explaining that to Miwa though, not without giving away what he was and that was something he wouldn’t risk.
Miwa stopped at one of the many countless vendors and bought herself an ice cream cone. Mechamaru insisted he would pay which started an argument in front of the vendor, which lasted until they overheard someone in the crowd whisper “I hate it when couples fight in public” ‘Hey, maybe it’s time for the breakup already.” ‘Wait, are they doing cosplay?”
“It’s okay! We’re just a couple of friends!” Miwa turned and announced to everyone.
Mechamaru ended the argument by paying for her ice cream. She asked him if he wanted one, before stopping too much on her ice cream, and with her good humor visible, apologized to him in a whisper.
Mechamaru could not eat solid food, but maybe his real body could try ice cream. He’d never even thought to try until watching Miwa get ice cream all over her cheeks and thinking how nice it would be to share with her. The fish-shaped wind socks, paper lanterns, and colorful streamers pulsed with the wind, their ripples barely audible under the insect-like buzzing of the crowd.
Soon, a parade would start. Massive floats and balloons already gathered on one perpendicular street. The dancers for the parade were dressed as Oni lending to the supernatural feel and -
“Mechamaruuuu.” Miwa cried.
“Miwa.”
“You want some?” Miwa asked, and soon Mechamaru had a cone of ice cream waving in front of his eyes. Honestly… before Mechamaru could answer she shoved the cone at him getting ice cream all over his face. “How’s it taste? Do you not like it? I could get a different flavor if you want.”
Was he being bullied? “I think Mai is a bad influence on you.”
Miwa finished the rest of her cone and told him to sit still. Her small hands grabbed both sides of his face, and with a napkin wadded up in her slender fingers, she dabbed at his ice cream-covered face. Again, he could feel neither the coldness of ice cream nor the warmth of her fingers, but this was the first time he’d seen Miwa in close proximity. If he kissed her and kept his eyes open it would look like this.
“Let’s go play some games – I’ll pay.”
“I already told you I’ll pay for everything tonight. You’re worth it.”
Miwa looked like she did not believe him for a second, before nodding her head. “You’re right, I’m worth it.” She winked, clear in its meaning. This was quickly getting dangerous. He’d already suffered from a heart attack at fifteen, tonight just might kill him.
Worth it.
Miwa played the game stalls several times, and when she failed to knock down all the stacked bottles she whined and pulled on Mechamaru’s arm telling him to use his beams to knock them down. He didn’t know she was such a sore loser. In fact, the list of things he knew about her was comparatively small to the list of things he did not know. They weren’t strangers exactly, but what were they?
His thoughts were interrupted by the squeaking of a nasal voice by pointing their smartphone camera at them. “E-excuse me, but I love your Mechamaru cosplay. W-would you mind if…?”
“Oh, photo time!” Miwa yelped.
...Right.
The reason Mechamaru was allowed to roam free tonight was most people would assume their cosplayers this far into the city. Miwa dragged him towards a large billboard advertising some anime. As far as backgrounds went, it would be due. As the photographer counted down Miwa linked her arm with Mechamaru’s and rested her head on his shoulder once more.
He didn’t know why she kept doing that, it couldn’t be comfortable to lean against wood and metal. After a few flashes, the nasal boy offered to text the photos to Miwa.
“What do you think Mai would say if I made this my background photo?”
Miwa was teasing, but not realizing Mechamaru answered seriously. “She’d probably think you’re a huge geek who watches too much anime.” He didn’t pick up on her glare either. This robot was not programmed to receive social signals.
When a few more people noticed Mechamaru, he and Miwa ducked into the crowd to escape their attention. Miwa even managed to take Mechamaru’s hand this time, and genuinely fearing he might lose he he did not pull away. They kept walking until they arrived at a stall selling plastic masks.
Miwa asked for more money and went to the shop vendor – she returned with a pale faced and red-lipped Noh Mask. Without explanation, she placed the Noh Mask over Mechamaru’s face and secured it behind his head.
“There now you look just like everyone else,” Miwa said patting his cheek.
“I look like an idiot in a mask.”
Miwa only giggled – he was too distracted by the side profile of her face as the way her cheeks creased when she smiled, the way she expressed every emotion with all of her face, to be offended.
Roughly an hour later, Mechamaru was sitting on top of a hill far away from the crowd while Miwa brimmed with energy at his side. Her plan with the mask didn’t work and they’d had to sneak away from the crowd missing most of the festivities in the process.
He only ever talked with Miwa in a group setting, and alone far away from others he didn’t know what to say. Mechamaru let her do the talking, but when she spent a long time contemplating something he feared he’d done something wrong – “Hey, Mechamaru, is there anything you like?
“You…”
“Hm?”
“Yu-Gi-Oh.”
“Oh, well if there’s something you like you should talk about it. When everyone’s getting rowdy and making a bunch of noise you never join in…if there’s stuff you like or stuff you find fun I want to know about it.” Mechamaru did not say anything, forcing Miwa to guess. “Uh, I saw a poster for Evanjellyon instead of your room do you like robots and stuff?”
“...They’re not robots.”
“Hm?”
“An Evangelion Unit is technically a cyborg. It’s a living being encased in a metal shell. In the case of Unit 01 and Unit 02, it also contains the soul of the pilot's mothers.”
“Oh, um… cool.”
“See, this is why I don’t talk.”
Miwa laughed. Mechamaru did not laugh.
However, in his real body, he actually moved his hand to his face to cover his blush even if it was impossible for Miwa to see. He never spoke to his classmates for too long he was afraid of what might slip out.
It wasn’t enough that he couldn’t walk on his own, couldn’t even protect her on his own, he was also lying to her – to all of them.
“Kokichi, I want to meet you…”
“But, I’m right here?”
“I know. What I mean is. I just want to meet you.”
Mechamaru noticed Miwa drifting towards him. As her face started to overlap with his he imagined the sensation of Miwa’s long hair tickling his face. There were so many details that made up Miwa, but Kokichi was not there, he was not present, he was observing the scene from behind a sheet of thick glass and therefore could not appreciate them the way they deserved to be appreciated. He couldn’t be there with her.
“You wouldn’t like me,” Kokichi murmured.
“How come?”
“Because I don’t like myself.”
“You can like someone else even if you don’t like yourself. I still sort of like you…”
Did that mean she didn’t like herself? He suddenly worried, forgetting the pink shimmer of her lips. Which was why he was caught off guard when those same lips pressed against the plastic of his mask.
There was no sensation at all, and yet – this is probably what it felt like to touch a live wire. A hot stinging pain, that locked every muscle in your body. A whiteness that you saw behind your eyeballs. Trapped in one long moment, while your brain sends signals that your body refuses to listen to. A tingling sensation because your brain can’t comprehend the intensity of what you’re feeling.
As Miwa pulled away he could see the entire night sky in those dark blue eyes. Behind him the fireworks went off and fizzled out quickly. A memory smashed through the delicate moment like a rock through a spiderweb.
I lied to her.
Mechamaru rocked backward at the strength of the thought.
He’d imagined telling her. Several times he’d imagined it. Not making excuses or explaining it away, the plain simple truth, he’d tell it to her with his real voice and his real face. Whatever her reaction – he wanted to see it with his real eyes, but…
“Miwa, I….” He turned his head to see there was no one there.
He got to his feet wondering when she wandered off. Perhaps his lack of reaction made her think he didn’t like the kiss and she was done for him for the night, but he wasn’t ready for this night to be over. Running down the hillside he rejoined the crowd, searching through the festivalgoers in masks for Blue. As he looked he bumped into a stranger knocking the mask off their face.
As he tried to apologize he caught sight of something strange – a patchwork face covered in stitches. He heard the sound of laughter but couldn’t locate precisely where. When he turned his head he saw another stranger in a Noh Mask, removing their face to reveal the same patchwork face.
The masks fell off the face of every person in the crowd, revealing the same face every time. That face it was -
“Mahito, stop playing with your food.”
Kokichi was no longer in the Mechamaru unit. He was trapped in his body, unable to move. Did his puppet get destroyed? No, Mahito had restored his body he no longer needed the puppet.
Mahito.
He’d been fighting for his life, and now it was over. When he tried to move his arms he could not feel anything below his shoulder.
Mahito grabbed his head by the ponytail and ripped it clean from his shoulders. The last thing Kokichi heard while alive was, “Hey, Geto-kun look! It’s a pineapple!”
Suguru Geto watched the whole affair from afar with the air of a disapproving mother, “I said stop playing with your food and hurry it up already. We need to get to Shibuya.”
He got farther and farther away from his body, feeling like he was sinking into black ocean water. The bottom of the ocean was pitch black because no light reached that far down. Light drained away, colors, sounds, sensations, every. He was sinking for so long he forogt what he’d been doing until now. He forgot the taste of blood on the roof of his mouth, he’d even forgotten he was Kokichi Muta. The only thing he didn’t forget was the pure undiluted smile of a somewhat familiar blue-haired girl.
What…happened to me?
Silence.
Oppressive silence.
Did I…?
Nobody answered his question because no sound reached where he was. There wasn’t even water, it was just the only comparison his brain could come up with for the lack of sensation. As long as humans are alive they are constantly overwhelmed by sensations, pleasure, or in Kokichi's case pain. There’s no true comparison for feeling nothing.
Humans can’t comprehend nothingness. Nothingness is death.
Die?
Why? Why? Why?
Why did I have to die?
What did I do wrong?
Was I really born just to suffer and die?
He tried to move his fingers. He tried to wiggle his toes. He thought about those heads in the French Revolution that were still wordlessly screaming for a few minutes after they were cut off.
Hey, I’m not supposed to die yet. This doesn’t make any sense. I’m not supposed to be here. I’m supposed to be at school with my friends. I’m gonna go crazy. This doesn’t make any sense. I’m supposed to be with everyone. I suffered so long that I deserve to be happy for once! I’m going crazy! Help me! Help me! Help me!
He remembered now.
That date with Miwa - it never happened.
Mai tried to trick him and Miwa into going to the festival together, but Mechamaru was insulted and went straight home leaving Miwa at the station.
Just before his moment of death, he’d thought something like: "If I’d gotten on the train with her would things be different?"
It didn’t matter now, he’d already gotten on the wrong track and crashed his train. “Miwa, I… wanted to be your friend, and be by your side just a little while longer.”
He tried to say his last words, but nothing but blood came out of his mouth.
LOADING...
On October 31st, every student in Kyoto received a mission that would take them far away from the city. Miwa immediately noticed who was missing.
Yesterday, he’d fallen asleep on her when they were in the classroom together. While he was snoring away she had to go and make that embarrassing confession. Part of her feared he'd woken up halfway through because he didn't say anything to her for the rest of the day.
She’d tried to word her feelings as vaguely as possible, but maybe he’d figured it out and was too nice to reject her outright.
Miwa sighed while waiting for the train to arrive. There were two brothers waiting for her at home, and this was the second year she'd gone without promotion which meant she wasn't bringing home more money any time soon. If only she could waste time worrying about boys, or god even homework.
Her mother - no she wasn't going to think about her. Miwa's brothers were monsters, except for Takeru. Takeru was two years younger than her, but fifty times as intelligent. He was terrifically intelligent. His teachers always bragged about what a pleasure he was to have in class. The little shit knew it too, he'd always smile and say "Aren't I a genius?" He loved to play baseball too, and Miwa still kept his old mitt in her room. The entire time they’d been playing baseball against Tokyo High, Miwa kept thinking about Takeru.
Takeru was dead now. He’d died two years ago, just before Miwa met that strange man and was scouted to be a JuJutsu sorcerer. Everyone in the family missed him, but her mother took it the worst. She just curled up in her room and wouldn’t respond to anyone. She acted like a child unable to take care of herself and suddenly there was no adult in their house.
It was so difficult parenting a parent.
Anyway.
What she needed to do right now was kill curses. Apparently, sorcerers like Mei Mei were powerful enough to act as independent contractors or mercenaries charging money for their services. If Miwa was as strong as her she wouldn’t need to worry about where her next meal was coming from.
She needed to focus, but suddenly out of the corner of her eye, she saw a familiar mannequin-like figure. Mechamaru. Did he come to say goodbye after ignoring her all day? How passive-aggressive. She didn't have time for this, but it really bothered her how Mechamaru had ignored her.
Miwa snuck away from the class to confront him alone. At just the wrong moment a train arrived at the station and people began pouring out. He got further and further away from her, even as Miwa fought harder and harder against the current of people. A paranoid thought snuck its way into her head. If she didn't catch up to Mechamaru right now she would never see him again.
Jujutsu Sorcerers may die at any moment, but Miwa always pushed that possibility to the back of her mind. She didn't let herself think about the possiblity that one day she might not come home and leave her brothers alone. Yet, she elbowed and pushed through the crowd without apologizing until she saw Mechamaru standing in front of the platform of a train heading for Shibuya.
“Mechamaru-” She grabbed him by the elbow, surprising herself with her forcefulness, “Why have you been ignoring me? Is it something I did?”
Mechamaru continued to expressionlessly stare at her. Of course, he didn’t have an expression; his face didn't move. As they stared in silence a voice over the PA informed them the train to Shibuya would be arriving soon.
“Kokichi is not on the phone right now. Please leave a message after the beep.”
“Are you kidding me!?” It wasn’t like Miwa at all, but she suddenly grabbed both shoulders and started shaking him to get his attention, “Who's? Kokichi? I wanna talk to Mechamaru?"
“Kokichi Muta is the name of a Jujutsu Sorcerer who autonomously controls this mechanical unit from afar with his cursed technique.”
There was a betting pool at Kyoto High about who Mechamaru really was, and how he was able to control the Ultimate Mechamaru puppets from afar.He’d never even told her his real name, Miwa realized, but this stranger knew it.
“Who…Who are you?”
“I’m Mechamaru, duh.” The doll tilted its head like a child would. "What are you, stupid? Is that why Kokichi didn’t tell you anything?”
“I thought you said Kokichi was Mechamaru.”
“Kokichi controls Mechamaru, but he’s not in control right now... you know, cuz he's dead."
She stood frozen in the center of the subway platform. It was all she could bear to do.
I feel sick. I feel sick. I feel sick.
I feel sick. I feel sick. I feel sick.
Miwa clutched her chest.
She was nauseous.
Mechamaru was dead? What did that mean? That his body had ceased to function? That he had no pulse?
“Oh sorry. I shouldn’t have started out with that. I forget people get upset when you tell them your friends are dead.”
Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump. I feel sick. I'm dizzy. I'm dizzy. I'm dizzy. It's spinning. It's spinning. Right here, right now, she feared she would collapse. It was difficult to live. It was difficult to breathe. She thought she might die.
"Mechamaru was..." She said as if making the announcement to herself, "Murdered? Then who are you?"
“I’m Mechamaru,” They said again. “Er-rather, eleven years ago I designed the cursed corpses for Kokichi so he would have a way to walk outside of his room. He asked me to make them look like the robots from his favorite anime because he was a huge geek who had no friends. Unlike me, a cool person who enjoys anime a normal amount. After completing the last one I saved some of my information in the cursed corpse's core and existed as a ghost in the machine until just now."
“What are you…?”
Miwa had gone from waiting for the train to arrive with all of her friends, to hearing all of this nonsense. It was just nonsense, just noise. Her brain refused to make sense of it.
Kokichi died somewhere far away and useless Miwa did nothing to help him. One day after making a promise to see him.
She didn't really mean it
She was just being nice.
There's a difference between being nice and being kind. If you don't have the strength to back up your words, that's not kindness that's just being weak.
"A ghost in the machine. It's a philosophical argument against Descartes's mind-body dualism. Gilbert Ryle believed the mind existed independently of the body-"
"Why can't any of you just stop being weird for like five seconds? Why don't Jujutsu Sorcerers know how to behave?"
“You know if I had emotions then you would be hurting my robo-feelings right now.”
The oddly sensitive robot said, as they touched their face. It was such a human gesture, Mechamaru - Kokichi almost never moved naturally like that.
“Why are you here anyway!? Do you just want to rub it in?” Miwa knew she wasn’t being fair, she was just venting her frustration at the boy behind the robot. She wanted to yell at him, but she couldn’t.
I can't talk to you, Kokichi. You're the only person I want to talk to, but I can't.
“I’m here to ask if you want to see him again.”
Just as she thought this situation couldn’t get any more unreal, the talking Mechamaru told her something impossible. Takeru wasn't coming back, and neither was Kokichi.
“I’d like it if we could get to know each other, so… I promise I’ll come and see you someday, okay?” Mechamaru opened their mouth and replayed a perfect recording of Miwa’s voice. Then continued speaking in their own voice, “If you come with me you can live up to your promise and see him.”
The voice-over of the PA announced that the train to Shibuya was arriving now. The train pulled up but oddly enough, none of the other passengers moved towards the door. Miwa already started walking, but Mechamaru held an arm in her way.
“Have you seen Neon Genesis Evangelion?”
“Um, no. I've got a job and a life."
“There’s this scene in the first episode where Shinji is and told to get into the Eva and fight. It’s an important scene because even if he was pressured into making it, it was Shinji's choice in the end. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
“I understand that you’re a huge geek.”
Miwa couldn’t remember if she’d ever met someone that annoyed her this much - she was suddenly acting like Mai.
“I’m saying that once you make this choice you can’t unmake it. If you go with me now, you can’t go with your friends. You might not ever see them again.”
“...But, I’ll get to see Kokichi?”
When she walked onto the train platform, not a single person in the station walked into the same train car as them. She sat alone, side by side with Mechamaru in the window seat. When her eyes wandered to the train window she swore for a moment she saw some flicker of a human shape in Mechamaru's reflection, but then it disappeared and there was just the Mechamaru puppet.
Their path led them to an abandoned hospital building in the middle of the city center. Part of her thought he might be waiting for her on the other side of the door. But… was that kind of thing even possible?
“Open up.”
The moment she whispered the words she pushed the door open. The first thing she noticed was the smell. The uniquely antiseptic smell that seems to parade every corner of a hospital blew through the half-open door. The next thing that entered her sight was a vast, almost uncountable number of IV drips, strewn across the pure white space. The innumerable plastic lines were each linked to a separate bag filled with a colorless liquid, but the thin tubes snaking out from them extended inward toward a single, unseen point. They numbered in the dozens, the hundreds even, making them resemble some sort of haphazard spider’s web.
And at the terminus was… something she couldn’t see from the entrance.
No point in moping around at the door. With a deep breath, she stepped through. Grabbing at the IV drip, she waded her way through the maze as she took step after reluctant step. The more she advanced the more powerful the antiseptic smell became. Attempting to pick her way through the endless, teeming mass of tubes was like attempting to bushwack through a metallic jungle.
Clinking and clanking her way through, the destination at the end of this twisted tangle finally fell into sight. Despite the fact that this was allegedly a hospital room, there were no medical devices visible apart from the IVs. The hospital itself was abandoned too - did Jujutsu High own it?
It looked like a child's room but it was furnished like a set on a stage play. The room did not look lived in. All she saw was a single bed, wrapped in white sheets that seemed to melt into the equally white backdrop. On the bed, there was no one, just a bundle of torn and bloodied bandages left behind.
She looked behind her to find Mechamaru, only to see they weren’t there. They didn’t appear for a full minute later. “Sorry, I was stopping to get power-ups.”
“I thought you said I could see him here - wait, what are you doing?"
Mechamaru was suddenly doing an upside-down handstand on the ground. “I figured out a cheat code that lets me do handstands!”
Miwa didn’t know whether she should laugh or cry. Perhaps the ridiculous robot was trying to cheer her up, or perhaps they were genuinely that insensitive. They flipped and landed on their feet.
"You are seeing them. This is the room where they lived their whole lives. They couldn’t detach themselves from that life support system without risking death. Not that they could walk anywhere, they were paralyzed from the waist down.”
“Why didn’t he ever tell us? Even if he couldn’t leave this room, we could have gone and visited him.”
“He was probably ashamed. Health is virtue and illness is degeneracy. That’s how things are in Jujutsu Society. If he didn't have a useful cursed technique they probably wouldn’t have even paid his hospital bills.”
Miwa didn’t want to accept something so horrible but she knew it to be true. She had to risk her life on a daily basis or starve.
“He didn’t hide away in his room just because he was ugly on the outside, he was ugly on the inside too. He didn’t want you to know that he’s the reason all your friends are going to die.”
“All my friends are going to what!?”
“...Oops, I blurted it out again.” The robot mimed scratching at the back of its head as if they were nervous, “I'm a blurter. I blurt. Sorry about that. Anyway, the reason he didn’t want to tell you anything was because he made a deal with the same cursed users and curse spirits that attacked during the Goodwill event.”
“What kind of deal?”
“He would feed them information about Jujutsu High and in return, they’d make him a real boy.”
“He was a real boy,” Miwa said, choking back tears. “He was a boy in a hospital room who couldn’t walk, but he was as real as everyone else, I saw him every day of my life. Those two years - they were real."
"That's debatable depending on what philosophy you subscribe to," Mechamaru continued to explain, “Now the same curses that he made a deal with are going to attack Shibuya on October 31st and try to seal Gojo Satoru away and eliminate the rest of the Jujutsu High forces present. That’s why all of Kyoto High is being sent far from Shibuya today.”
“Why would he send me away…? Is it because he thought I was useless…”
“Yeah, probably. I've only known you for five minutes and I think you're kinda useless.”
“If Gojo is going to attack, then we should tell someone.”
“Even if you tried to get into contact with Gojo it wouldn’t really matter. You can’t change anything.”
Miwa sat down on the hospital bed. The information was so heavy, the world was suddenly such an awful place to exist in she wanted to lie down in Mechamaru’s bed and never wake up again. She placed her head against the pillow wondering if she could feel some of Mechamaru’s residual warmth from when he laid his head down on that same pillow.
“It doesn’t matter what I do? Then what am I? Just a pawn in some big game?”
“No, you’re not a pawn. Even pawns are useful for something. You’re like a Cheeto that fell on the side of the gameboard.”
Miwa rolled over in the bed and pulled the pillow over her head. “He lied to us about everything?”
“Why are you surprised by that? You should know everyone in Jujutsu Society is one big phony.”
Mechamaru tried to pull the pillow away from her head, but Miwa wouldn’t budge. “I thought you said I could see Kokichi, but he’s not here - he’s not anywhere.”
Maybe Mechamaru only brought her here to see Kokichi’s corpse and let her know the truth. In that case, she didn’t know whether the truth was a blessing or a curse. If only Mechamaru had lied to her, and let her keep believing that Mechamaru was alive out there somewhere for just a bit longer.
“Sorry, was I being rude again? People are always telling me I’m rude, but I don’t think so. I think I’m a very nice person.”
Miwa sat up and threw the pillow right at Mechamaru’s head, “You’re not a person, you’re a robot.”
“Ouch. My robo-self-esteem is absolutely devastated right now.” Mechamaru said after the pillow bounced off their head. “I brought you here because I wanted to know after learning every last horrible thing he’s done do you want to see Kokichi again?”
“What’s there to see? A corpse?”
“Not a corpse. A ghost. A ghost in the machine.” Mechamaru said, pointing at themselves. “In the event of his death, Kokichi left several small devices behind all throughout Shibuya with his information saved on them just like I did. If we grab all of them I might be able to save a copy of his information before he disappears entirely.”
“I thought you said there’s going to be an attack on Shibuya. Won’t everyone be fighting?”
“Yes, that’s why it’s perfect. All the main characters will be fighting and no one will pay attention to us. Sometimes, it’s useful to be a useless minor character. We gather up all of them and then…”
“And then what?”
“And then… You might be able to see him again.” Mechamaru gave her a stern warning, “When or if he wakes up he might not remember you. It could be that he's become someone different. A whole new person, literally. Do you still want to see him?”
Miwa hated herself for this, but she suddenly understood her mother’s desperation to see Takeru again. The reason why her mother clung to that creepy thing that Yaga Sensei had made and ignored the rest of her family.
If she could see him again, she’d love to. There was a lot they needed to talk about now. She regretted that she’d known him for two years and yet didn’t know a single detail about his personal life, or that he really was a boy trapped in a hospital room. Who are you really, Kokichi? The question ate at her constantly.
If this is my big chance to talk to him again…
“I don’t mind. Even if it’s only for five more minutes, even if I have to say goodbye to him again, I want to be his friend and be by his side just a little bit longer."