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ugetsu didn’t play violin yesterday and all he’s done today is lie in bed. akihiko goes to visit him with a glass of water and a snack and creaks open the door, peaking his head in and seeing their quilt pulled off the mattress and curled up in a ball in the corner of the bed, ugetsu likely underneath.
“anyone home?” akihiko sings.
all he hears is the quiet humming of the portable fan set up next to the bed.
“ugetsu?” he calls out and reaches down to pat the lump of thick duvet and flesh on the bed.
the ball moves and twitches a bit under his hand and he sighs. at least he’s alive.
“i brought some water and a little snack!” akihiko places both things down on the bedside table.
“ugetsu…? you’re here… right?”
he hears a deep sob and his heart crumples. he carefully lifte up a corner of the cover and sees ugetsu’s little face huddled in the dark like a baby bear in a cave; orphaned. his face is stone cold; eyes empty and far, face flat but his body shaking. it’s like he’s dead under there. partially possessed by something so unrecognizable.
crying with no tears. in bed all day. won’t drink or eat unless it’s alcohol. no violin.
“when did you last take your pills, ugetsu?”
“those stupid things don’t matter.”
“they do. they’re good for you. i took mine.”
“like i care what you do.”
“okay… um… will you at least eat some of this? i made it. it’s just some pasta i know you like it-“
“no.”
“k,” he says quietly. “it’s getting cold. i made it.”
“heard you.”
“ugetsu please,” akihiko begs. “if i bring you your pills will you take at least one.”
“no!” he shouts, his legs flailing, “i don’t like it!”
“then… schedule an appointment and change your meds. i’ll do it for you.”
“i don’t need them. i need to learn to live on my own i just need to sweat it out.”
“sweat what out?!” akihiko is losing his patience, “it’s not a fever getsu you’re just depressed it’s fine just take the pill!”
“fuck off fuck off!! oh my god get out! you bitch just get out of my fucking room you piss me off you know?!” he shoves the covers off and sits up suddenly, whacking his head on the headboard and shaking the pain off almost falling over. “you remind me of my fucking mother always on my ass and my father hitting me upside the head for being lousy IM SORRY i suck the pills won’t make me different if you hate me so much get rid of me!” heavy tears spill down his face, “rid of me rid of me” he grips his head, “god kill me kill me change me, please ”
akihiko brings his wobbly hand to his mouth and sobs, “ugetsu. no, i love you i don’t want a different one, i just- i want you happy not like this! i wanna hear you playing and singing and swaying around the kitchen with your headphones on! not like this,” he cries and cries for him.
ugetsu cries into his hands and his shoulders shake, nails clawing into his cheeks.
“come here,” akihiko holds his arms out, “don’t do that.”
ugetsu jumps into his arms clawing at akihiko instead. he pulls him down onto the bed, burying them both under the thick covers, hiding them from the world and the pain of being alive. he keeps shoving his face into his neck over and over like he can’t get close enough, like he wants to merge their bodies and minds.
“how do i stop being everything that’s me? i hate it so much, aki, i hate myself so much it hurts so bad just to see myself in the mirror but it’s all i do is look and- and hate and feel like i wanna claw my insides out and just just- end it, change it, i hate it i can’t fix it i can’t do anything and no one around me sees it or sees me i don’t know how much of this feeling i can hold in my body it’s eating me up.”
“don’t let me go,” he whispers into his skin.
akihiko holds him tighter.