Chapter Text
Sunoo opened his eyes, feeling everything in his mind empty out. He sighed and rubbed his face, no longer remembering the dream he had been having, but knowing it had been something uncomfortable – something unpleasant enough to wake him. He felt his eyes burn and knew he wouldn't be able to fall back asleep right away. His body ached, and the tips of his fingers were sensitive.
Anxiety.
That was his current issue. He was anxious about so many things around him – his life, his career – while simultaneously feeling so disheartened and lacking the strength to carry on. He wished everything could be a little easier, and for a while, it was. But after five years in that industry, he had stopped seeing as many positives.
Enhypen was a global group, and they had achieved extreme fame in their third year as a group. They had grown exponentially, as was expected, but it still left them shocked and exhilarated all the same. Those had been such good years, despite being packed full. They had made the most of it, met so many people, and performed in huge shows.
And their popularity hadn't waned, not at all. They had firmly established themselves with a loyal fanbase and an audience that listened whenever they released something new. In their home country, which had once posed the biggest challenge in terms of audience, that wasn't a problem anymore. They had won over the hearts of those people.
But with all growth, something bad always comes. And for Sunoo, it was the uncontrollable growth of extreme portions of their fanbase. Those people who wanted to possess them. Sunoo already had a trained mind for hate comments and things of the sort – he knew they were just comments on a social network and that they wouldn't truly affect his life.
However, as it became more suffocating and real, it left him more unsettled with everything. During a fansign, one of these 'fans' treated him poorly without even being afraid. He had received 'gifts' that were traps, dangerous threats, and the hate comments were increasing. He wasn't the only one going through this; everyone in the group was too. They were attacked by many of these people and dealt with it in their day-to-day lives.
Sunoo tried not to be shaken or swayed by words, and even though he had succeeded over the years, in the past two months, he felt consumed and immersed in a sadness, in a nervousness that screamed that he was the worst person in the world, that he couldn't do anything, and that he would never be someone. He succumbed to that and felt so foolish for letting that feeling take over him. But there was a reason, a big reason he tried not to think about.
Unfortunately, he couldn't control it. He just felt himself losing color, losing the sparkle in his eyes for that profession. He had been thinking about the idea that maybe that world wasn't for him, that people were right to want him out of there. He filled himself with those thoughts, and it led him to sleep poorly or have nightmares because of it.
He got up from his bed and went to his desk. They now lived in a much larger place, and each had their own room, which was the best thing in the world. But it also made him miss the beginning and sleeping with people around. Despite this, even with separate rooms, the seven of them were closer than anything. They had truly become a family, people who understood each other and would always be there for one another.
Sunoo felt lucky because his days were made less worse by the other six. Their friendship was something highly valued and cherished by Kim. They knew each other to a point where they didn't need to speak anymore – looks were enough, and so were smiles. He knew that everyone suffered from those issues that kept him up at night, but he also noticed that they managed to escape those thoughts better.
Sunoo pretended, and he pretended very well to escape those dark zones – the hateful comments, threats, and abusive treatment. Sunoo couldn't completely free himself from them, and it was corroding him, drowning him in himself, and he felt fear. He felt that everything was his fault and that he didn't deserve the others' help. After all, he was already an adult and needed to deal with life's issues.
He took the pack of cigarettes from his drawer and his holographic lighter. He walked out of the room and went to the huge balcony that extended from the large living room. He opened the door and felt a chilly breeze. He sat on the floor, leaning against the door, and lit the cigarette between his lips. He wasn't the type of person who enjoyed smoking.
But he felt that nicotine made his body relax, and that's what he wanted at that moment. He took drags from the cigarette until it was finished, while gazing at the starry sky of that autumn night. He felt his whole body ache again, and his head was showing him countless things, most of them negative. He wanted to remember the rehearsal from the previous day, which had been so much fun, and he had laughed a lot.
He felt frustrated that he couldn't connect to that memory, as the negative things took over more quickly. He lit another cigarette and felt a tear roll down his face; he no longer felt when he cried. In his mind, tears were a way for him to release those problems, but he knew it was a lie. They were there because he couldn't take it anymore and didn't know how to ask for help.
He wanted to ask for help, he wanted to talk, and he knew that if he spoke, he would be listened to by his members. But again, his mind placed him in the worst place in the world, and he felt like he was about to explode. His episodes were always hidden, and he tried his best to do so in order not to worry anyone, even though he wished someone would look after him closely.
His fellow members took care of him, they were attentive, and they had a strong relationship of friendship and love. Sunoo was just a great actor. He knew how to manipulate anyone to think what he wanted them to think of him. He wasn't entirely proud of having this facade, but it saved him from heavier situations.
He was about to light his third cigarette when he felt a hand on his shoulder and startled, looking up to see Jay's reassuring eyes. Sunoo stared at him for a few seconds before turning his face forward again. He wiped his tear-stained face and saw Jay sitting down beside him, gently taking the cigarette from his fingers, returning it to the pack, and placing it next to him.
Despite being good at it, Sunoo was breaking, and moments like that demonstrated exactly how it felt to have everything crushing him. He gazed at Jay and felt tears flowing steadily, not even emitting any sound. His body seemed to truly want to expel something, and his tears were heavy.
"I think this isn't for me anymore," he said, looking at Jay, who blinked a few times with a furrowed brow.
"Sunoo, bad days always come, but they don't last forever," he replied calmly, placing his hand on his friend's shoulder, but Sunoo shrugged it off.
"My bad days have been lasting so long that I've stopped counting," Sunoo said, feeling a shiver run through his body. "Every day is bad, despite the good moments, they're bad," Kim said, feeling tears drip from his neck. "I don't feel anything but sadness."
"Sunoo, we can help you. You don't have to endure everything alone," Jay said with concern, moving closer. Seeing that version of Sunoo was difficult, so it genuinely alarmed him.
"I don't know if I can fix this," Sunoo confessed, and all the negative thoughts flooded back in, causing a lump in his throat. "I don't know if I can carry on with this life, as much as I love what I do, as much as I love you all, I feel like I'd rather die than feel the pain I feel, the sadness and fear I feel," he whispered, and Jay struggled to quickly process those words, his body aching with each passing second of realization.
"No, Sun, we would never leave you alone," he said, and Sunoo felt more and more tears streaming from his eyes, to the point where he could no longer see clearly.
"I wish I could die," he whispered as tears continued to fall.
He didn't know how to handle that sorrow coursing through his veins, how to pretend that everything inside him was normal. He felt his body warm and caught a whiff of Jay's cologne beneath his nose. Jay held him tightly, and Sunoo simply let himself collapse in his arms.
He couldn't comprehend when all his joy had drained away, when all the enthusiasm had left him, when the sparkle in his eyes for his profession had dimmed. He just wanted to break free from it all, to send all those suffocating feelings away, but he was tired. He couldn't breathe anymore without feeling pain, without feeling fear, without feeling an overwhelming sadness.
Jay was there, holding him, not knowing what to do. Sunoo had experienced moments of sadness and anxiety before, like the others, and he had always come out of them with his head held high and a stronger determination to move forward. Sunoo was the most optimistic among them, the one who brought emotions to their group, but who also always made them see all sides of a situation. He had never failed to help them see the best things.
And there Jay wondered when he stopped seeing the best things in life. When he stopped feeling joy in the life they were leading. Seeing him cry and talk about not wanting to continue was painful; it was a point Jay never thought they would reach. He always believed that everyone would have those thoughts before Sunoo ever considered having them.
But he was wrong.
Nearly an hour had passed. Sunoo felt his head ache and his eyes burn. Jay was still holding him, not loosening his grip for a single moment. He felt that if he let go, Kim would leave from there, and that wasn't what he wanted. Sunoo was no longer crying, feeling completely drained of strength. He still hiccuped, and the only thing that kept him grounded was Park's fingers in his hair and his low voice singing a lullaby.
Sunoo hugged him and focused on his voice until he gradually drifted into his own exhaustion and fell asleep a few minutes later. Jay realized that the younger one had fallen asleep and looked up at the sky, seeing the first rays of sunlight emerge. He took a deep breath and stood up, carrying Sunoo in his arms. He entered the apartment's living room, walking slowly. He saw Jungwon's face, who had just come out of his own room and looked at Jay with a bit of confusion.
Jay pointed his finger towards Sunoo's room, and Yang went there, opening the door. Sunoo's room was tidy and smelled like his perfume. For some reason, this brought tears to Jay's eyes as he gently laid Sunoo on the bed, covered him, and arranged him comfortably. Then, he closed the curtains and left the room, seeing Jungwon watching him.
"What's wrong?" Jungwon asked, and Jay didn't know what to say. He blinked a few times and wiped his face.
"He's not well, Jungwon, and we need to do something before it's too late," he spoke in a hushed voice and sighed, going back to the balcony. He retrieved Sunoo's cigarettes and lighter and put them in the pocket of his hoodie.
"What do you mean he's not well?" he heard Jungwon's voice.
He didn't know if he could speak without crying; it seemed like Sunoo's melancholy had transferred to him. He waited for the others to gather and then stated that Sunoo wouldn't be participating in his activities for the day, so they shouldn't wake him up. He sat down with everyone at the kitchen table.
"Sunoo probably wants to leave," he said, and in the very next moment, he heard everyone's voices and a glass shattering. He looked to the side and saw Ni-ki with nervous hands, water spilling across the table.
"What do you mean he wants to leave?" Heeseung asked after the silence that ensued.
"He didn't exactly use those words," Jay explained.
"Then how do you just come out saying that?" Sunghoon asked with a serious expression. "Are you out of your mind?"
"I'm not. He said it while crying that he can't take it anymore, that he's had only bad days for so long that he's lost track of time, he said he'd rather die than feel the extreme sadness he has inside him, that even though he loves us, he'd rather die. He said it twice. So, I don't know how you'd put that into words, Sunghoon," Jay said, nervously and angrily, and silence once again fell.
"He wasn't serious...," Sunghoon said, shaking his head.
"He was very serious, very serious, Sunghoon. He cried for nearly an hour, I didn't even know we could cry for that long, and I could feel the weight of the melancholy he carries under my skin. So, I can tell you, it's very serious," Jay confessed, feeling his eyes overflow and his body giving in to the emotions. "He needs help, he needs it, we need to do something before we lose him, and I'm not talking about losing him from the group." Park wiped his face as he spoke.
"We're not going to lose him, Jay," Jake said from his side, trying to find the right words to express himself, but struggling.
None of them knew what to say in that situation. Sunoo was so good at concealing his pain that they were all puzzled, but they knew Jay wasn't the type to cry or have that kind of reaction, and he seemed desperate.
"We'll talk to him; I'll talk to him, Jay," Heeseung said, assuming that responsibility. He felt a strange uneasiness within himself with all the information that had been shared up until that moment. "It's going to be okay," he affirmed, touching Jay's hand as he sniffled and wiped his tears away with the other.
"It's better if someone stays home today, so he doesn't wake up alone," Ni-ki spoke for the first time, sounding more serious than usual. "I can stay; I only had a morning rehearsal today, but I can reschedule it." He concluded, and Jungwon agreed, looking at him.
They got ready to leave, and the leader already had his phone to his ear, talking to their manager to explain the situation. Ni-ki watched them get ready and leave the apartment. He felt nervous and walked over to Sunoo's room, saw him sleeping on the bed, and closed the door behind him. He lay down beside Kim and watched his serene face until he fell asleep right there, with the thought that everything would be alright when he woke up.