Chapter Text
Depression is such an interesting thing. One might say that depression is just a person trying to run away from the problems and responsibility. But Chan doesn’t remember when was the last time he smiled, or laughed with his members. On camera, he was the old Chan everybody knows, but when the camera turns off, so does Chan’s ability to maintain a facade of being a happy person. To Chan, if he wanted to run away from his problems, he would be back to Australia when he didn’t make his debut with GOT7, but he was here with his own group.
Minho didn’t know when everything changed, when Chan started to pull away from everyone, and why he does what he does. Chan’s life became a sad blur and he just didn’t know why. When he got depression for the first time in his life, it was when he was eighteen. It was like his life slowed down and he had no idea what he was going to do with his life until Jisung arrived.
Minho was concerned about him, so were the others as they watched Chan’s life slowly fall apart. One second he was joking around with them and another second, it was like a shell of a man who was the best at masking his feelings and emotions.
Chan had always considered stray kids as his family, so it was a shock when he stopped returning to their dorms with them and kept himself holed up in his small claustrophobic office. Interventions were made, but to no avail and Chan kept falling into the deeper hole of depression and anxiety issues. What sucked the most was that he would mask them extremely well.
Numbness inside him had become his best friend, unable to get rid of it and instead learnt to live with it. Laying on his bed, after a week of not laying on any comfortable surface, Chan found himself reeling from anxiety and questions about just how his life turned around so much and for so much worse. He blinked once and twice, and there was wetness clinging to his lashes. He doesn’t understand why there is this hollowness in his chest, and why is it so prominent and disturbing his life to such a great extent?
“Hyungie, You should come out and eat with us. It will be a great change of scenery for you.” Changbin had tried to get him to join the group for dinner, but Chan just smiled a small smile and just politely denied, saying he had some songs to work on. And he didn’t want to put his members in discomfort when he was not in his right mindset.
But instead of going to company and continuing staring at the screen through the night and doing nothing, he found himself in his room, staring at his ceiling whilst his phone laid beside him where he was reading some bubble messages and comments on some of the things on other social media. But it was not helping, not when there were so many messages and posts that could be simply classified as death threats, and Chan was forced to think about it.
He felt a tear roll down his cheek, and he choked back a sob because it had been so long, so long since he cried. He didn’t want to cry over the words of people that didn’t know who he really was, but they sliced through his thin skin nonetheless. He never understood how and why people had such courage to condemn another person to just slink back into their shell and never recover from the words they use as a weapon.
Chan’s skin physically itches over the thought of deliberately hurting someone he doesn’t know properly, or anyone in general if he was being honest. He just doesn’t understand what others achieve from commenting ‘ Kill yourself, it would be better for planet earth.’ under people’s posts when they are at their most vulnerable moment of their life.
If these comments were made before, he would have laughed it off because that’s just people’s desperation to make themselves known. But these comments now slice at his heart, and he just wants to sink in the deepest point in the ocean and hopes that he would be left to rot there and not be brought back into the world of humans which is so cruel to live in.
He hated that he had to lie to his parents and his siblings that he was fine, when he was anything but fine. He wanted to hug them, ask his mom to hide him in her arms and ask her father to help him through this rough patch of his life. But this was Chan, who hated to worry anyone with his problems and felt like a burden when they knew his problems and tried to help him.
He sniffed, his t-shirt felt suffocating but it was too cold to be sleeping without a shirt and risk the hypothermia. He doesn't know how to ask for help, and he wonders if that is what has brought this numbness and anxiety back into his life.
His phone pinged once and twice and he debated whether he should see what’s going on or let the phone stay the way it is and hoped that it was just insta notifications but the notifications didn’t budge and he sighed audibly. He wiped at his eyes, and was thankful that he didn’t actually end up sobbing.
He clumsily picked up his phone, and squinted his eyes because the light made his eyes hurt. There were messages from three different people, few in the group he was included in by Bambam, one was in his group, and few from his sister, Duri. He sighed, but decided to answer the texts because he knew they would get worried for him, and that’s exactly what he didn't want to do right now.
Idol Friends 😎
Bambi🦌:
Okay, I need answers quick, Who is up for dinner tomorrow?
Momos 🥟:
Me. I have not seen your face in ages, old man.
Bambi 🦌:
Me? An old man? What next? Chan is an old man too?
Micheal Jackson 🕺:
Told you, Bambi. You are an old man, but you already know I am in 👍
Bambi 🦌:
Sometimes I hate it here.
Smol girl 🧍🏻♀️:
I am in too. I need some good kimbap or maybe a soup to defeat my demons
You are paying for this though, Bambi
Bambi 🦌:
Ya! You will make me go bankrupt!
Momos 🥟:
That sounds like a you problem 😗
Bambi 🦌:
Momo, please be serious 😭
Wait, Channie boy! Answer! I can see you lurking!
Baby Kangaroo🦘:
Bambi hyung, I am only in if you are paying 🤷
Also, hi guys. Sorry for ghosting you. I was kinda busy 😬
Micheal Jackson 🕺:
Well, our Maknae has spoken.
Bambi, you are paying 🤣
It’s okay, Channie. We understand
The comeback is thinning my hair 😭
Bambi 🦌:
God damn it, I am going to be bankrupt
But we understand, Channie
I just saw Yugyeom crying over his ice cream, so yeah we all are faring better
Momos 🥟:
Seriously, this comeback is ten times worse than the last
Hyuk-ssi is like breathing down our neck, I hate it.
Baby Kangaroo 🦘:
Fatima-ssi has kept Myeong away
So he is not the one stressing us out
It’s just expectation that’s making me shit a brick 🙂
Biscuit 🍪:
I heard about food. I am in.
And yikes, Chan. You are taking this comeback harder than Namjoon hyung 😭
Baby Kangaroo 🦘:
Woe of being a leader, I am afraid 😔✊
But message me the timing so I can clear my cluster fuck of a schedule or at least ask Fatima Noona help me clean it up a bit 🤷
Chan smiled a little, a genuine smile because Bambam was right, they haven't had a night out together in a long while. Chan guessed that it would help him clear his foggy mind a little. He opened his group chat next and it was Changbin asking Chan whether he wanted bibimbap or jjapaguri. Or both. A lump formed in his throat as he kept staring at the text and realised how the situation had changed. Instead of him asking them what they wanted to eat so he could bring it on his way back to the dorms, it was them asking him if he had eaten and would he like them to bring something for him.
He took a shaky breath in and typed something along the lines of “ I have eaten some Ramyeon. Don’t worry about me :) but thank you for asking” And he knew that they didn’t buy the excuse but for the sake of his sanity they just message “ That’s good hyungie. But we are still bringing some dessert.” Hyunjin had answered and Chan now felt like shit because god damnit, what is this guilt that swirled ugly in his stomach?
To distract himself from feeling like crap, he opened his sister’s chat. He wondered if she was really free or was carving some time from her busy schedule as a prosecutor? Was he being that big of an asshole and worrying his twin to that extent? He blinked his eyes hard twice before reading the text from his sister.
Percy Jackson 🔱:
Tell me one thing
Should I take Do Hyun to Australia for our anniversary or should I take him to Incheon beach?
Also, you need to answer my calls, Christopher
Do you need me to become unbearable once again? If not, call me right now.
Chan chuckled because his twin was nothing like him. She was in fact the opposite of what he was. She was loud mouthed, did not take a shit, and would fuck you up if you upset her or anyone she considered her family. She also knew when to ask for help, and signed herself into therapy when her depression was at a height. Unlike Chan, who had yet to get a therapist. Well mostly because he couldn’t get one because according to Myeong, he was faking it for attention and that he just needed to get over himself.
He knew he couldn’t get bail himself out of calling his sister, or he would be facing her wrath for a week or more, and he didn’t wanted her to lose her sleep over him, so he hit the call button and waited for his sister to pick up and talk his ear off like she usually does. The ringing continued and he continued to feel his stomach knot in a very uncomfortable manner. He blinked once and twice before he heard the call being picked and some rustling in the background. He wondered if it was the wrong time to call her when he realised it was thirty minutes to midnight.
“ No, you didn’t interrupted me before you let yourself overthink into having a guilty episode.” Duri, his sister, softly said as he heard more rustling before the voices settled and it was just both of them breathing before Chan decided to break it. “How are you, Duri-ah?” Chan asked, his voice soft and little low, he didn’t know why he was speaking so softly. “ I am fine, or at least as fine as I could be with the ongoing cases of missing idols and women. I can’t believe this has been going on for so long and no one noticed.” Duri sounded agitated and rightfully so because Chan knew how scarce sleep gets for her when the cases become as complicated as the current one is.
“Yikes. I am sorry.” Chan’s habit of apologising always grated at Duri’s nerves so it wasn’t surprising when he listened to her scoff at him pointedly. “I want to smack you so bad, but I would be charged with assault. Stop apologising for things that don't even include you, Chan. Now tell me, how are you doing?” Duri’s question was a simple question, the one she always asks him whenever they hang out with each other or when they call each other when they don’t have time for face to face meeting, yet he had no answer for this question.
How are you doing? It is supposed to be an easy question anyone can avoid by lying, but Chan found himself tongue locked and mind blank as the question kept repeating in his head. Honestly, he had no idea of how he was doing. Was he in a bad mental state? Yes. Does he have any answer to explain the downfall of his mental health? Not exactly. Did he even want to worry his sister over this?
Duri, being the perspective of the two of them, sighed audibly and Chan cringed because he was caught red handed, once again. “ Don’t even think about lying, Chan. I will literally haul my ass from my apartment to your dorm if you don’t tell me what’s wrong in t minus five seconds.” Chan knew the threat was not an empty one. He mutely thought for two seconds before opening his mouth, then closing it again and sighed.
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me, Duri-yah. I just can’t get myself to be happy or anything that goes along that's a synonym of happiness. I am struggling. And I don’t even know why I am being like this. I should be happy, my life is on track and I am getting everything I dreamed off, then why? Then why am I feeling this random emptiness?” Chan admitted, messing with his freshly red dyed hair, hoping he wasn’t sounding pathetic.
“ Channie, why did you not say this before? You should always come to me if you ever feel the way you feel. I am your noona, you should never hesitate to come to me when shit hits the fan.” Duri wasn’t scolding him, but he still felt like a reprimanded child, pouting all the while even though Duri couldn’t see him pouting. “ Chan-ah, your feelings are valid. Depression is complex, not just something that happens with an obvious reason. You might feel depressed for no reason at all, or maybe there is a reason, you are just oblivious towards it. And please, stop pouting like a child. Just wait until I tell mum about this.” Duri said, and a smile tugged at Chan’s lip as he felt a rare burst of happiness somewhere in the corner of his brain.
“How could you tell I was pouting?” Chan inquired, chuckling pealed out of his mouth. “ Because you are my twin. Remember the twin intuition?” Chan could hear the smile in her voice and damn he was so lucky to have a twin like her. “Twin intuition is a fake concept, Duri-yah. And please don’t tell this to mum. She will worry for nothing. I will be fine, I promise. I am going to be okay, it might be just seasonal depression.” Chan said, hoping for his sister to buy his ass like an excuse.
“ Chan, you can fool anyone but me. This is not seasonal. What you need is help, which your company refuses to get you.” Duri scoffed, and Chan knew she was thinking about something but he had to stop her before her creative train stops at one of the conclusions. “It’s fine, Duri. I promise, like a pinky promise. If I am not feeling any better soon, I will ask for help, okay?” Chan muttered, his eyes slightly closed because he wants his sister to leave this issue alone and believe him right now.
He heard Duri sigh heavily, and mutter something but it wasn’t audible. “ Fine, I will believe you this once. But, the moment I think you are going downhill, I will drag your ass to the good fucking psychiatrist.” Duri’s threats are never empty, Chan knows that much and that’s what made him giggle the way he did. “ Now, humour me with this. Should I take Hyunie to Australia or Incheon for the anniversary?” Duri asked, making Chan smile a little before he indulged her in the answer.
Chan was always looking at his family from the sideline like a happy old man watching over his family grow. No matter how much Duri tried to get him into the dating world, he would always refuse and told her to enjoy her life rather than spending half of her time worrying about how he would end up alone if he didn’t make any moves. Chan was just happy with where he was in his life, albeit a little lonely and sick in his mind which contributed more to his reluctance to seek comfort from others on the romantic level. His little sister always teased him over this, but he was okay with his little loneliness.
Three o’clock in the midnight always brings vulnerability in its wake, making you prone to overthinking and reconsidering life choices. Chan had not been able to sleep in a month or two and he was driving himself a little insane as he stared at the ceiling of his room and the purple hue reflecting on the walls of his room from the LED light Duri forced him to install because “ I knew you were tasteless in your decoration, but fuck if I let you get away with it.” Jisung had cackled so loud that everyone thought something wrong had happened.
He was thankful for their own rooms in the dorm, so if he wanted to cry his eyes out in the middle of the night, he could do it without any consequences. He just doesn’t understand what is going on with him, but he wants this tightness in his chest to unravel and clear his foggy brain. He sat up on his bed and removed his covers from his body, feeling sweat drip from his head and soak his nightshirt and shorts making him feel sticky and it was making him overwhelmed.
It was the middle of January, him feeling hot shouldn’t be even a possibility but here he was. He messed with his unkept curls and wondered if showering would help his restlessness. He sniffed and he could smell the sour scent of his sweat. He sighed and got out of the bed and waddled towards his closet to remove another black shirt and sweatpants. He didn’t want to shower, but getting overwhelmed by the stickiness of his sweat was a great recipe for the disaster.
He quietly slinked into his and Minho’s shared bathroom and silently closed the door behind him. The moment his eyes adjusted to the brightness of the bathroom, his nose was assaulted by the scent of mint and cinnamon. He was confused because none of them ever used the scented soap, especially not this one. He blinked in confusion, his eyes staring at the shower products, but none of them should be smelling like that.
He just shrugged his shoulders and went on with his showering and getting in clean clothes. He is usually used to cold showers, but it was winter. He would rather not catch pneumonia or something so he opted for a hot shower and stood under the shower head for almost an hour before switching off the water and slipping into his clothes and keeping the towel on his shoulder so the water from his hair wouldn’t drip on the floor.
He was sure that no one would be awake at the ass crack hour in the morning, so he was utterly baffled when he heard two pairs of giggles on his way to the kitchen to grab a can of beer. The comeback season was making everyone sweat, and sleep was getting scarce with most of them running on less than 4 hours of sleep. So it was Chan that someone was not taking the advantage of getting proper sleep in weeks.
He walked softly towards the living room to walk towards their balcony, which faced the peaceful scenery near the Han river. He was so glad that JYPE chose this building to be their dorm building. As he walked towards his destination, he noticed Minho and Han talking to each other in soft voices and Chan found himself smiling a little before continuing walking towards the balcony.
His footsteps drew the attention of the two inhabitants in the living room, turning their heads towards the source of his soft footsteps. Their eyes went wide as they watched their leader halting in the middle of the hallway, and awkwardly shift on his legs, before offering them a small smile and making a gesture to continue whatever they were doing and not to worry about him and walked towards the door of the vast balcony.
The air was obviously cold, since it was in the middle of the January. The Han river has frozen since it has been too cold, even for the Koreans this year. It’s as if the climate had taken a plumage and the winter started when there should have been Autumn in the month of October, and it has been really cold since then. The ice glittered under the city lights, and Chan wondered if the ice was strong enough to hold him up on the surface or would he fall deep inside the water? Is the ice as self destructive as he is at this moment?
He sighed audibly before opening his beer can and took a sip from it. The bitter taste still made Chan hate it a little, but it made everything tolerable for a while. Chan was not an alcoholic or liked drinking alcoholic beverages in the slightest, but since he has spiralled down the self-destructive behaviour since the group of nine became eight and he was blamed for it all the while, he found a little comfort in this bitter beverage and scotch.
Duri noted that and nagged him to ask for help, or self enrol into therapy but Chan just evaded the questions and nagging. For him, others worrying about him was like a burden and he just didn’t want to burden anyone with his problems which will solve themselves soon enough, even if they will come back in his life again and again.
He took another sip of his drink, and let the liquid slip through his tongue. The city is asleep, at least the once with normal jobs and not idols like him. The scenery was quite captivating and hypnotising even if it was a little haunting. His thoughts were all over the place and the cold settled deep inside his bones and he wondered whether water inside the ice over the river was as cold as he felt inside.
If someone has to see Chan right now, they would think that he has a death wish with the tank top and shorts he was wearing when it was -19 degree in Seoul. The wind blew softly, making him shiver a little but he was unnervingly warm, so he was so glad for the wintry wind at this moment.
The morning was marked with a little chaos as everyone tried to get ready to be at the company in the next thirty minutes and Chan simply watched the chaos before deciding that he would have head start with music if he left now and the members come in a little late.”Guys, you sort out your mess. I am heading over to the company.” Chan spoke up, standing from the couch and tightened his hands around the straps of his computer bag which was the courtesy of Givenchy.
“Why so early? Our meeting with the managers and pd-nim isn’t until like nine o’clock.” Changbin asked, halting in the middle of the room with the toast held in his hand. Chan nodded his head, an excuse ready in his smart brain to evade his dongsaeng. “I have something to finish back at my studio. I am going out with friends tonight so I need to finish this before I head out.” Chan answered, shrugging his shoulders.
He noticed something flash in Changbin’s eyes, he wasn’t sure that it was disbelief or concern. But as quickly as it flashed, it was gone, replaced by understanding. “Okay, hyung. Just don’t overwork yourself. And keep yourself hydrated.” Changbin simply let Chan off the hook and Chan was equally amused and relieved that he wasn’t being questioned a lot today. He managed a dimpled smile before rushing towards the foyer where all of their shoes were kept.
The walk to the company was short, Chan was glad about it. The employees of the company greeted him with a ninety degree bow when he stepped inside the building. The christmas decoration had yet to be taken down in the building as the green and red bobbles were still hanging on the walls and the mini christmas trees placed strategically in the building. On his way to the lift, other trainees nervously approached him for some advice for their monthly evaluation that was held tomorrow and he had to evaluate them.
He found it funny and a little nostalgic, because he was in their footsteps not long ago and now JYP has assigned Chan with many monthly evaluations. He smiled and offered some good advice before taking his leave. As he entered the lift, he saw his manager running fast with two cups of coffee in his hand. So he naturally held the door of the lift open for her.
She quickly stepped into lift, panting heavily. “Thanks, Chan-ssi. I was late today.” Fatima gulped, extending a cup to Chan, who thankfully accepted it. “Is everything okay, Fatima noona? You look a little sick.” Chan made the acute observation. Her hair was a little dishevelled, there was a lingering bruise near her wrist which made Chan question her state a little more. Fatima laughed a little, albeit a bit tensed. “Nothing major, Chan-ah. I just had a flu few days back.” Fatima said, nervously hiding her bruise.
Chan wanted to pry more, to find the reason for the bruise, but he knew when to stop so he left the decision on her. If she wants help, she will come to him. Chan knew that much about his manager. He simply nodded his head and idly sipped on his caffeine. “Noona, is there anything on my schedule this evening?” Chan asked, running his tongue over his lips to catch the residue of the coffee.
Fatima looked at him a little puzzled but shook her head after thinking about it a little. “No, there is none. Today is the last day of making changes in your upcoming comeback before the press is at your ass for promotion. I am gonna royally hate the airport visits. The flashes are still burning my retina. I seriously don't know how you do it.” Fatima visibly frowned as she removed her phone from the pockets of her pants to look at it. Her eyebrows screwed together, as if she saw something unpleasant before hastily schooling her expressions.
“Well, I am going out with others. Group dinner I guess.” Chan said, managing a thin smile, he doesn’t understand why he is already hating meeting the friends. “Oh thank god you are doing something different today. Don’t get me wrong, Chan-ah. But I was getting really worried. You haven’t been in your right mind state lately.” Fatima said, Chan could see the relief spreading throughout her delicate features.
Chan raised his single eyebrow in question, a silent request to elaborate over what she meant exactly. Fatima sighed and looked in front as the elevator stopped on their floor and the doors opened to let them out. Both of them stepped out of the elevator and headed towards Chan’s office so they could discuss the schedule and probably continue the talk they were having in the elevator.
Once they were in the privacy of Chan’s office, Fatima placed her unfinished coffee on Chan’s desk and starfished on Chan’s couch, while Chan sat on his wheelie chair with an amused smile. “Don’t say anything. I am not getting any sleep lately. That producer nim of yours makes me wanna swing at him.” Fatima mumbled, hiding her face in the pillow.
Chan screwed his eyebrows because why does Fatima have a beef with Versa Choi? “What did Versa Choi do?” His question made Fatima huff in denial. “Not him. He is the sweetest human ever. I am talking about the producer who shall not be named.” Fatima said, peeking from the pillow. “Well he is not producing anything for us. So I don’t know what’s going on honestly.” Chan shrugged his shoulders. “He is trying to force all the managers to convince you to let him produce for you. Others gave in, me and Binsuk didn’t. So he is at our ass.” Fatima cringed, and he cringed too because Myeong was one of the most stubborn human specimen Chan has came across.
“Is that what’s bothering you, Chan-ah? Him pursuing you senselessly even if you had said no to it? Has he done anything that crosses the line?” Fatima’s questions were valid, but Chan was thrown off guard on the tone change with the last question. It was more wary and suspicious as if she knew something but had held the cards close to her chest. He gave her a confused look which made her sigh again and sit up properly.
“You have been absent minded lately. I don’t know if anyone has reached out to you lately, but everyone is noticing the subtle change. You are not focused. Is there anything that’s bothering you? And is Myeong the reason behind it?” Fatima asked, and Chan was forced to think about it because Fatima’s tone was serious and her eyes bored into him, the brown eyes darker than usual.
He felt as if something was amiss, and that Fatima knew more than she was letting on and it raised his goosebumps. He shook his head because he couldn’t find the reason for his aloof state lately. “I don’t know, if I am being honest, Noona. I just feel empty, you know? I think it’s seasonal depression. Winter never suited me anyways.” Chan waved away the concern but he could see in his manager’s eyes that she didn't believe him.
“You can fool JYP-nim, Chan. Not me. He has not worked with you the way I have. So this is not the seasonal depression.” Fatima disagreed, but a reluctant sigh followed straight after. “I won’t force you to open up to me, but if you feel like talking, go to Persephone or talk to me. Don’t close yourself off like last time. We all almost lost you, we don’t want to repeat that.” Fatima softly suggested, and her eyes mellowed into something soft and it made Chan want to cry again.
She was right, this felt nothing like seasonal depression. It was not snow that was making him melancholic, and it was not the winter that was making him sad. But he himself has no answer to his underlying question. He himself wondered about things that might have gone wrong that made him like this, but he just didn’t know what.
“Thank you, Fatima Noona. I will come to you if I want to talk, I promise. I just need to gather my thoughts, that's all.” Chan managed a weak smile. Fatima nodded her head before looking at her watch and grimaced. “You should start with your last bit of editing. The deadline is coming up soon.” Fatima reminded Chan, sighed loudly.
He simply nodded his head and turned around so he could face his computer and opened the track that required the tinkering because other tracks were completely done and no tinkering was required. His brain though was running through loops and hoops of possibilities and probabilities of things that could have made him a little too sick in his mind.
As the sun started to set and the evening rolled in, Chan had finished making everything ready for the album release. They agreed on an album design and set a date on the release of the album and everyone cheered on finally being done with the whole album. His team members were going to local ramyeon place to celebrate the finishing of the album whilst Chan excused himself to get ready to hang out with his old friends.
He had brought his clothes with him so he was glad he didn’t have to go to his dorm and change and come back to the company to meet his friends. He got out of his baggy shirt and sweatpants and wore a black skin tight shirt because it made him feel good and pulled on a leather jacket. He pulled on a korean style pants and ruffled his hair a bit to make it look a little decent. He had thankfully let his curls breathe this time and he had to admit that he looked better with his curls than the fried hair that the company doesn’t care about a bit.
He was ready, and hoped that he wasn’t looking all too bad. As he was heading out, he watched Fatima silently arguing with Seungmin’s manager and he wondered what the argument was about. Before he could head over in their direction, someone draped their hands around his shoulder. He was startled, but his heart calmed down when he noticed that it was only Bambam.
“Hey, Channie boy. Looking dashing in that leather jacket.” He complimented the boy, making Chan chuckle a little. “Duri has fine taste in leather items, so you should compliment her for getting me such an amazing jacket that will help me steal your dates.” Chan joked, making Bam give him a faux offended look. “So this is why you are dressed up like a hot kdrama actor? To steal my potential date tonight? Tch tch Channi boy.” Bambam chuckled before they were joined by three laughing voices.
“Finally, last day of getting boiled over by Hyuk. I want to never see his face again in my life, but it is a wishful thinking.” Momo complained as they halted in front of Bambam and Chan. “Chan is a lucky boy to never have to work with those big assholes. I wanted to swing at Bamseok. Like dude is weird and creepy.” Jackson made a face, and Chan could understand the disgust.
He was always wary of the four big producers of the kpop industry that were roped in JYPE five years ago. There was something about them that had raised multiple questions in their heads, and it became a bigger problem when his manager, Fatima, started to actively and vocally opposed having them in the same room as the stray kids and managed to stave them off.
“Oh well, once we are two soju glasses in, we will forget about it for a while. So shall we leave?” Chan inquired, and everyone looked more than ready to do what they planned yesterday. Jackson had offered his car and Momo was taking hers so they were glad about not asking their managers to stop their day and play the chaperones for them.
The drive from their company in gangdong-gu to the middle of Seoul was filled with laughter and jokes and Chan found himself enjoying this a little bit as he laughed loudly on something Jackson had to say about the four producers that shouldn’t be said in front of them.
They had chosen an unknown place to eat and enjoy because of the paparazzis being at their asses lately and they wanted to enjoy the night without getting caught in a dating scandal because apparently a man and a woman can’t be friends. So when they arrived at the small restaurant, they were glad to find that their cover was still intact and nothing had tipped them off to the hounds of the cameras.
When they entered the restaurant, they found Lisa, Jungkook and Hong Joong already waiting for them. Jackson waved at Jungkook, who made a finger heart at them as they joined them on the table they were sitting at. Chan noticed how they were faring way better than the five of them, making him snort a little as he took a seat on the chair that was beside Hong Joong.
“What made you laugh, kangaroo-ssi?” Lisa asked, amused at the snort. “Yall look so much better than the five of us. We look like trash pandas honestly and there are no eye bags for y'all. It’s so fucking funny.” Chan answered, removing his leather jacket and placing it in his lap. “Yeah, we noticed that. Are your managers spiking your drinks or what? It looks like you all haven’t slept in ages.” Hong Joong asked, amusement dripping from his eyes.
“Maknae-ssi, your guessing isn’t so far off the mark. We four are living on 3 hours a day sleep and our maknae hasn’t actually slept since this comeback season has started. None of us are in a sane mindset right now. So forgive us if we doze off in our soup.” Momo said, the sincerity made everyone burst into laughter.
“I agree with them, you look miserable, Chan-ah.” Lisa commented and Chan could only offer her a tight lipped smile. “It’s come back season, Lisa-ssi. I had an album to get ready before Division 1 eats me alive.” Chan made a face, somewhere between a thin smile and sheepish. “Okay, when was the last time you slept?” Jungkook asked, looking at him with a certain scrutiny. Chan shrugged his shoulders, truly not remembering when was the last time he slept well or slept at all.
“I don’t remember, if being honest. I am working on caffeine and pure adrenaline.” Chan answered, picking up the menu from the table. Momo sighed loudly, reaching out over the table and whacking Chan on his arm, making him protest. “Noona! It hurts!” Chan complained, rubbing the arm. “Hitting is for hurting, Sherlock. When will you start taking care of yourself, Chan? Sleeping isn’t going to delay your comeback or something.” Momo frowned, and Chan felt like a reprimanded child.
“Yes, Eomma. I will sleep from today. Happy?” Chan rolled his eyes, no longer wanting this attention on him because he really didn't want to worry them with his problems. “Yah!” Momo tried to swat at him again but he sat back in his chair so he couldn’t be in her hitting range. “I will stop calling you Eomma once you stop acting like one.” Chan stuck his tongue out before looking back at his menu.
“Order whatever you want Chan-ah. You have lost considerable amount of weight since we last saw you.” Bambam said. Chan was confused because he was not on any diet to lose weight, but now that it was mentioned, his eyes trailed to his arms and to his surprise, he had lost all the muscles he built last year. The shock spread throughout his body before he was reminded that he was sitting with others and he wasn’t alone.
“Chan…” Sana trailed away, her eyes were sympathetic and Chan hated it. So he just plastered a smile and chose a lie, like he always does. “Yah, Noona. It’s nothing serious. No need to worry about me. I am good, it’s just stress.” Chan deflected the topic by going back to looking at the menu. A lump rose in his throat but he pointedly ignored the sudden feeling of crying. A waiter came to their table and looked at them with a notepad in his head.
“What would you like to order?” He asked, after bowing ninety degrees in front of them. “I am getting Tteokbokki and Tteokguk. And a glass of water.” Chan said, looking at the waiter and offering a kind smile. Others did the same thing as Chan, they scanned the menu and ordered what they craved the most at that time.
The happy chatters begin as they fall into the same habit of sharing the events that happened in their life the past week or month since they last met. Chan’s eyes kept bouncing off everyone sitting on the table and his chest started to hurt as he realised how different they are from him and how their lives were so interesting compared to what his life was. He clenched his jaw as he gratefully accepted his food when the waiter came over and placed the food on the table.
Chan started to feel small on the table as he silently dug into his food and offered the people on the table a small smile as he kept stuffing food in his mouth to avoid talking and kept listening to how their life was normal, as normal as an Idol life could be. The laughter rang across the table as they shared the funny stories from their day. Chan started to get overwhelmed as he started to feel a little out of his depth and felt like an outsider. He didn’t utter a single word as the lump in his throat grew and it started to suffocate him.
Chan was too busy distracting himself with food to notice that the table had gone quiet and all of their eyes were on him. A throat clearing made Chan snap out of his stupor. He looked up and saw that every eye was on him.Hong Joong kept looking at him, an unreadable expression on his face which made Chan’s skin itch a little because it was unnerving to him how other people could read him so clearly. He felt a little nauseous at the fact that he was like an open book, no matter how much he hides his troubles, his friends always know. He knew he was about to be bombarded with questions, and he wasn’t sure if he was ready.
It was Jackson who took the initiative and turned his body a little to face Chan. “What’s going on, Chan-ah? You are oddly quiet today.” He inquired, his eyebrows furrowed and his expression was simply telling Chan that he was not going to let this issue go until he had all the answers. So he chose the path of the lie once again.
“Oh it’s nothing, Hyung. I am just tired. I have been at it since like a month or two and constant nagging from Myeong was driving me crazy as well. Don’t worry, a good night's sleep is going to fix this.” To Chan, lying has become so easy that it made him want to cry. The lump that was persistent was now becoming suffocating and he just wanted a break or two.
Jackson narrowed his eyes in a way of not believing him, but he didn’t counter ask anything else so Chan was glad about it. He looked at his food again, his appetite oddly disappearing into thin air as the food he so looked forward to eating seemed like a bunch of unsavoury food items. The last piece of rice cake in Tteokguk was so hard to swallow as the non existent lump made it hard to swallow the piece of rice. Tears threatened to spill over so Chan did what came to his mind.
He placed his chopsticks back on the table, beside the metal spoon and wiped his hands on the cloth that was placed over his jacket. He looked at everyone and offered them a pathetic smile. “I enjoyed the dinner. I really did. But I need to go now. I forgot about something I have to do back at the office. I am sorry for leaving abruptly.” Chan said, hastily standing up, jacket in one hand and bowing ninety degrees before rushing out of the restaurant ignoring all the protests and calls out.
He was feeling suffocated, and it made his brain hurt because why is it so hard for him to enjoy something without his brain putting unwanted thoughts in his brain, ruining this night for him. A tear made the way down his cheek as his feet took wherever they wanted to go. He wasn’t sure where he was going exactly, but it was definitely very far away from this restaurant.
His chest grew painful as more tears escaped his eyes and small whimpers left his lips. He just wanted to stop feeling like this. As if he was in the middle of the fucked up depressive episode but he couldn’t get out of it. Myeong blocked him from getting any mental help because he was nothing but a fake to him and it made Chan want to cry more because this was not the life he envisioned for him when he was thirteen and left Australia to chase a dream which was now nothing but a suffocating reality of nothing but poison.
He should have left when he had a chance, to Australia when his debut was cancelled twice but he was hopeful. He was hopeful for his future to a fault because now he sees the whole picture and it was nothing but a glorious nightmare. He had to admit that this industry had no place for kindness because it is the kind that gets fed on by the vultures who like to eat away the kindness and naivety.
He wanted all of this to end, the unexplained pain and depression and his sudden downfall in the matter of creativity because something was very very wrong with him.
Kill yourself, have mercy on your stupid brain.
It was the first thought that crossed his mind and it made everything so so worse as he tried to navigate in this city, going who knows where. He stuffed his hands into his leather jacket as the cold wind started to bite at his hands and he didn’t want a frostbite.
You are dragging this team down. Quit, and make it easier.
It was not a lie technically, he is downpouring the quality of the music and it was his damn fault that his brain refuses to cooperate and he needs to make things right, for him and his members. And for that he will go to any length possible.
He wanted to get better, find the root cause of the problem but he knew, he knew that it was not possible for him so he wondered if dying would ease the stress, he always did. He came with all the plausible outcomes and it was always the same ending, a better future for his group. Maybe Changbin or Minho would lead this group way better than he has and fans would agree to this decision.
His legs were on auto pilot, walking amongst the people on the crowded street, feeling like a nobody as he kept walking and walking and wondered if he would ever reach his destination. Of course he wouldn’t because he was unaware of the place he was heading towards. It was a blur to him, like the days and months that squished itself into one long nightmare.
A blurry episode later, Chan found himself standing at the edge of a building’s terrace, surprising himself because this was not what he planned and he didn’t even realised he walked into a building or climbed the edge of the terrace but he didn’t made a move to back down from the building but he contemplated stepping off from the edge and fall to his death.
More tears were spilled and now he was sobbing because this was not how he wanted to go out. But he just didn’t see a way out of this. A way out of the burning inferno of his brain and the sudden onset of the belittling depression and he just wanted everything to stop hurting. So he knew what he had to do as he moved his leg in front and let it stay in the air.
“Yah. This is the way you want to die? Giving your family no closure?” A voice scared the fuck out of Chan and his balance went to hell, making him wobble back and a scream left his mouth as his body fell back.