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She didn't really know what she expected for when she came back to Blackwell. There wasn't a ceremony, even though it felt like one. That part, she figured. What she wasn't anticipating was the stares. The whispers. Students and faculty alike, not even pretending to be polite. She managed a smile at some of them, but mostly tried to ignore it. She thought she was used to the attention, thought her peak moment of embarrassment was seeing her own name on the newspaper four days ago, announcing that she's left the hospital for good and would be returning to school.
“Oh god, it's Kate.” one voice, somehow even less polite, muttered behind her. She inwardly flinched, her step faltering just slightly. She lost count of how many times she's heard those words used together, usually accompanied by a sigh or a groan. It was what she heard when she was spotted on her way to a seat to view a school football game, or the once-or-twice she went to a student movie night. Before she stopped making such an effort to be included, to stick with the Alyssas and Warrens, who knew their place in the hierarchy of the school. Words she heard when she was at the Vortex Club party that night, before Nathan sauntered up with a bottle of –-
“This is it, Kate?” her mother's voice cut in, the nervous edge still present, and still too different from its usual tone. The nervousness kept reminding her of what she almost did. The nervousness made her feel untrustworthy, like she couldn't possibly be left alone again. It made her worry that she hadn't actually gotten better.
She nodded, pretending to not notice Victoria, who was leaving her own dorm next door. “Yes, mother. Thank you for helping me with my stuff; you didn't have to.”
“I wanted to talk. Away from your father and sisters.” she responded, immediately, like she could barely contain the words. Kate nodded, uncomfortable but expecting and dreading this conversation that would happen eventually.
Still aware of Victoria's eyes on her, she quickly opened her dorm door, eager to move everything along and not draw it out longer than it absolutely needed to. She ushered her mother in, not closing the door, not wanting the give the impression that she wanted her mother to stay for very long. She took in a shuddering breath, suddenly too weak for the suitcase in her hand and backpack on her shoulders.
Not long after the school had been told of Kate's return did they inform her that her dorm was as she left it, only dusted since then and sheets freshly washed. The air still felt stale and slightly foreign, lacking the sterility of both her hospital room and childhood bedroom. It's almost too much at once, like a snapshot of her despair, of her lowest and weakest moment. She felt self conscious all of a sudden, and turned to regard her mother.
“I doubted you, Kate. I didn't trust your relationship with God. I didn't trust you. I know,” she stops, weary eyes looking like they might overflow at any moment. For a split second, Kate wanted to be on the rooftop again. “I know now... That that was wrong of me. I pray for forgiveness. From God, your father, your sisters. From you. Especially from you.”
Kate suddenly feels sick to her stomach, and has to keep down her lunch. She bites her lip, nodding again. “Of course, mother. I forgive you. Always,” she manages to force out the last part. “I hope you forgive me, too.” She's not looking at her mother when she suddenly wails, pulling Kate into a hug. It's not like any of the few hugs they've shared before, no hint of mechanical stiffness; it's too warm and human. It's suffocating. She doesn't let herself cry any more, feeling instead her mother's tears soak into her sweater and onto the strap of her backpack.
It's much too long later when Kate finally says goodbye to her mother, who slowly heads back to the family car in the parking lot. The air is fresher, and she almost feels the weight come off her chest until she spots Victoria. She's still there, resting against the hallway wall, putting her phone away like she wasn't even looking at it in the first place. Maybe she wasn't. She looks at Kate expectantly, waiting for the obvious invitation. Kate takes the bait and pushes her door open more, decidedly not looking at Victoria walk into her room.
Without asking, Victoria sits down on the bed. Kate could tell this visit was intended to be something of a truce, but also knew that Victoria didn't necessarily want to be friends. That suited Kate just fine. She sat down at her desk chair, not forgetting that the last time she sat there was when she made the decision that life wouldn't stop getting worse until she took matters into her own hands.
Whoever dusted her room made sure to open the blinds, letting the noon sunshine in, casting a glow over Victoria that would look angelic on any other person. She looks over at her mirror by the door, also uncovered by whoever cleaned in here. She turns her attention back to Victoria, seeming to be choosing her words carefully. Kate almost wants to feel smug, but doesn't allow herself.
“So,” Victoria finally starts, after what feels like hours. Both of them seem irritated that she chose to start of with something as simple as So. She huffs, muttering something under her breath that sounded like shit. “Oh, screw it... How have you been, Kate?”
All of that fuss for a question as simple as that. Kate almost bursts out laughing, but only stops herself when she sees how serious Victoria looks. “I'm better.” she decides to say, like it wasn't obvious.
“Well, of course,” Victoria flares up, indignant. “I just... Is there anything else?” This confuses Kate for a second, suddenly unsure of what Victoria wants. If she wanted anything. Maybe peace of mind? This thought makes Kate scowl, an expression wholly alien on her face.
“Did you just want me to tell you that you don't have to apologize?” she barely manages to ask, voice almost a whisper. She's appalled by the idea, but it makes so much sense to her that at that moment it's completely true. Victoria practically jumps, as if equally horrified by the notion.
“No! God, I'm not... I'm not a monster, Kate. I just really wanna know how you've been. In a more detailed way. I wanted to know how much I... messed up.” she covers her face with her hands, and Kate can tell she's shaking even from as far away as she is. “Obviously, I messed up a lot. Enough to make you...”
Victoria gestures vaguely, shoulders not squared like usual. Her voice was quiet and didn't have the matter-of-fact air almost reminiscent of Kate's mother. She was looking directly at Victoria, who didn't meet her eyes like she couldn't bear to face Kate. She felt her face flush in a dizzying mix of anger, guilt, and shame. She wanted to yell, wanted to tell Victoria off for once, make it known that it wasn't her business, they weren't anywhere near cool yet. That cool won't be anywhere in vicinity of what their relationship will ever be like.
She bites it down, sucking in a breath sharper than she meant to. She sees Victoria's nose twitch, like it was a suppressed flinch.
“...Enough to make me... try killing myself?” she finishes for Victoria, the words coming out so bluntly and easily she's almost startled. She can see the lump Victoria swallows before she nods.
“Y-yeah. That. I'm,” she hesitates again, like she's annoyed at herself. Her posture straightens, and in everywhere except the face she looks like the old Victoria again. “I'm really so so sorry, Kate.”
There's something primal in her eyes, and she thinks Victoria knows it. A distinct feeling of superiority over Victoria surges through her, like for once she's the hunter instead of the prey. It's refreshing and nice, but far too different to feel remotely comfortable. She sighs, that one moment of raw feeling leaving her suddenly exhausted.
“A 'sorry' doesn't really fix anything,” Victoria looks like she wants to say something unkind, but Kate finishes her sentence, feeling candid. “...But it does make me feel better. Thank you, Victoria. I appreciate it. I really do.”
At that, Victoria seems to relax more. Her expression softens, and might have turned into a smile if Kate hadn't pressed on.
“But... W-why do you do it? Why are you such a... Why are you so mean?” Kate feels weak again, like she might start crying by habit, almost Pavlovian for how her life had been ever since the party. If Victoria was offended by the almost-insult, she didn't let it show.
“I don't know. I really don't...” she said, her arms crossing over her chest, looking distant. She was probably being honest, and Kate decided it didn't matter if she was or not. Victoria was anything if not a bitch to her, but the fact she was here at all... It was a start, and that meant everything coming from her.
“I believe you, Victoria. I also,” she wondered how to phrase what she said next, before throwing caution into the wind. “I also know you're better than that. We don't have to be friends, if you don't want. But we don't need to be enemies.”
Victoria looks like she's just been struck, and for a second Kate's afraid she'll start crying just like Kate's mother did not an hour ago. Victoria stands up abruptly, hands clenched and eyes locked onto the ground. For a moment, Kate's worried she's about to get hit, but something about the way Victoria's jaw tenses tells her this new anger isn't directed at her. She's afraid to ask what the issue is, but Victoria doesn't keep her guessing for long.
“They're probably going to disband the Vortex Club... Sooner rathan than later,” she doesn't elaborate on why, and Kate isn't too curious. “We're going to have one last get-together, but not a party. I'm going to insist on it.” Kate could practically mouth along with what Victoria says next.
“If you'd like to come, to... make up, or something... I would personally make sure you're on the guest list. There won't be any alcohol, or drugs.” the severity of how she says it only slightly lessens the blow Kate feels on her insides. It was horribly insensitive, given everything. She didn't know if there was an ulterior motive, or if it even mattered if there was. Of course she wouldn't go. Not in a million years. There's no way.
But she still smiles when she declines, somehow. Victoria seems almost relieved, like she'd rehearsed this conversation a dozen times and Kate finally went back on script after throwing her curve ball after curve ball. She finally seems eager to leave and head back to her own dorm or to go meet with her friends, and Kate sees her off. They shake hands, Victoria's grip too professional and Kate's too polite, but the small wave afterwards felt more natural.
With her door closed and the sounds of students outside getting ready to head to their next class, Kate considered taking a nap to take advantage of the free day Principle Wells gave her. She was exhausted and had the familiar diluted joy she's had since the first time she sat in her hospital room with her new idea for a children's book. She opened her backpack to get her cell phone, selecting Max from her contacts list. The last few messages she'd sent hadn't gotten a response, but she guessed Max was busy enough even without her being such a handful.
Hey Max! I'm finally settled back into Blackwell. :) Thank you again for being there for me. You're a great friend. Talk soon xx