Chapter Text
It’s the Summer of 1997 and the last words Jackie Taylor said to Shauna were do you need anything?
The truth is that Shauna was feeling a lot, at the time, they had been told the chance of the baby surviving was minimal due to the challenging circumstances that the mother had been through during the pregnancy such as a plane crash, teammates dying, stress, lack of food and such, but it was too late to halt the pregnancy. The fate of the child was a matter of praying if you were religious, and the baby didn’t make it.
She felt a small hole in her heart, even if the baby should have not existed in the first place, but at least it was over – it had been awkward enough to go to the doctor visits with Jackie and Jeff, and her mom, of course. They barely spoke unless it was needed, and it was mostly about the baby. Jackie would ask if she had a name planned. Shauna said no. Jackie would something like Well you should because names matter and Shauna would tell her to shut up and Jackie would shut up and look at the window.
They didn’t try to talk about what happened then, it would be fruitless, and Jackie didn’t want to.
There is a credit to be given, Jackie had stood by her through her entire pregnancy, even when it looked like she didn’t want to be there. Even when she was given the option to stay back by Shauna’s mother, it was awkward, yeah, but Shauna wondered if she would’ve done the same in her situation. Shauna didn’t ask her to do it either, but still, it felt good to know she was there, even if by all rights she should not have.
She intended to thank her once she got discharged from the hospital, and she knows it sounds awful to say (Shauna feels everything she says is horrible since the night Jackie almost died because she was too stubborn to come inside) but part of her hoped that if the baby survived, it would be the first step for them to eventually talk about things and…maybe start over.
But the baby didn’t survive, and Shauna thought she didn’t want him – she didn’t even have a name for him – but it felt odd, not having him here, even if he never was in the first place. Jackie was the one who broke the news to her, and Shauna doesn’t remember what she said. Instead, she remembers that in her dream he looked just like her, and Jackie was holding him and he was giggling at her and she was smiling at him, Then she turned to see Shauna and smiled at her too – smiling like she used to before that.
The last conversation they had was in the hospital the night before the discharge, Jackie asked her if she needed anything, and Shauna should’ve said no, thank you but instead, she just said no and Jackie just answered with an okay.
And then, she disappeared.
It’s been almost a month since the radio silence started, and no one has seen or heard of Jackie – the only ones who might know are her parents, and asking is obviously out of the question.
The second person who might know lives in Shauna’s home.
“You know where she is, don’t you?”
Her mom is a good woman, after the divorce, she raised two children ( and Jackie, Shauna supposes because Jackie would probably live here if she had the choice) on her own and never complained about it. Never one to judge, even when she was surprised and slightly disappointed upon hearing who the father of her possible grandchild was – but as long as Jeff promised to step up and have responsibility, she didn’t have a problem with him as a person.
(What she had was concern over Jackie, Shauna remembers feeling how her stomach was hot in the waiting room when her mother pulled Jackie away from everyone and asked her how she felt and if she was eating well, it’s all Shauna could understand before her Mother noticed she was spying on the conversation and pulled Jackie to the restroom so they could speak in private. Her hormones were out of control because as soon as they were alone she asked her mom when it was going to be about what Shauna needed and not about Jackie’s feelings.
Her mother’s glare shut her up immediately, and it was enough for Shauna to straighten her posture, she’d never been on the receiving look of it. Shauna wondered how her brother could withstand it because she felt ashamed.
“She’s a girl I’m very fond of, Shauna.” Her mother tells her “And I can and will care about you both at the same time.” )
“Who?” Her mother asks, her brother Zeke was playing something on the PlayStation, but you can tell he paused it, nosy as he is. Shauna rarely causes a scene, even if it’s private.
“Jackie, mom. I’m talking about Jackie.”
“She left town.”
What?
Jackie – Jackie left?
And her mom knew?
“Where?”
“Los Angeles. I think she arrived there a couple of days ago.”
Sometimes, in her journal and her soul, even before the crash, she did wish that there was some distance between them – she wrote about it often, about how she loved Jackie but she shone too bright and it made Shauna feel like a shadow. Everyone spoke to her to get to Jackie’s number, and Jackie would shrug in total disinterest and say you can have them, Shipman, if you want to, with a smile, as if permitting Shauna to have her second plates.
Jackie even chose the University for them – never thought of asking Shauna if she wanted to do something else, or even apply somewhere else on her own. Sometimes, when Shauna allowed herself to dream of going to Uni alone, especially when Brown came knocking on her door, to leave Jackie behind to discover who she was, it felt reliving, it felt freeing.
But even in those fantasies, Jackie always says bye, sometimes more bitter than the others but Jackie wouldn’t leave without saying goodbye like Natalie did, and newfound knowledge hits her like a water bucket.
Do you need anything? Hadn’t been a literal question – Jackie hadn’t stepped in her house in months but rather it had been permission, except that didn’t make sense, because why would Jackie need permission from Shauna?
And what – what was Jackie going to do in California? With cults, drugs, and riots? Jackie has zero survival skills and at least in the Wilderness it was just them, California is a State populated by people she didn't know because Jackie had never been to California.
And she left without saying goodbye, that was the part her mind was focusing on.
“Why wouldn’t you tell me?” Shauna asks, confused and betrayed – by Jackie for refusing to say goodbye, and her mother for hiding it. Still, she knows these are dangerous waters, her mother is a very good woman, but she also has her temper. “Why wouldn’t she tell me?”
Putting some land between them was fine – but across the country? In a state she didn’t know?
And her sense of time must still be fucked up from the wilderness because – how it took her almost a month to realize Jackie was missing? Jackie Taylor was a presence, even in her despair, it was impossible to ignore her. Unless she wanted you to, and she rarely ever did because she was like a plant that fed off attention instead of the sun. Surely, Wiskayok would have noticed Jackie was gone, and someone would’ve told Shauna.
(Ah, but she almost died sleeping and in complete silence. She learned how not to bother people, didn’t she? )
Or maybe, Shauna’s mother should’ve told her.
“She didn’t want to, and I respected that. It’s what we owe people, Shauna. Respect. ”
It’s the first and only time that comes close to a reproach about sleeping with Jeff from her Mother’s lips.
When her mother goes to work, her brother goes to the arcade with his friends and Shauna is home alone, she allows herself to scream at the top of her lungs. She releases everything – their fight, Jackie almost dying, losing the baby, her mom’s disappointment, and Jackie leaving, the neighbors even call the cops because they think someone broke into the house and is beating her up, instead, they find a crying teenage girl.
They find a guilty, crying teenage girl who was transported to the Canadian woods as she held Jackie’s frozen hand and demanded, screaming at anyone who would hear – Misty, Lottie, Coach, anyone – to help her.
Her heart isn’t beating, Shauna.
No one will know how boring, pathetic, and weak you are.
…Fuck you.
I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry please save her I’m sorry Jackie I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry.
Warm water, she needs it. Shauna, you need to leave her to us.
And Jackie had fought back, for the first time in her life, opening her eyes to the news they’d been rescued even though she was still in a delicate situation, she had reached for Shauna’s hand, and Shauna had…
She had just frozen in place.
And Shauna doesn’t know why, because she held it while she was asleep and blue, and whispered reassurances when Jackie squeezed back even if she was unconscious.
She wanted, she wanted, she wanted.
But she couldn’t move.
“Everything okay, girl?” The officer asks “Need us to call your mom?”
Is everything okay? Is a hilarious question, nothing had been well since that fucking plane crashed.
“Yeah, I mean – no, there’s no need, sorry for the noise.”
Most of them left Wiskayok by the end of ‘97.
Van leaves for Sacramento in November – six hours by car from Los Ángeles (from Jackie ) but only Tai knows about it, and Tai is the one who tells Shauna, another one that leaves almost as silently, Taissa will go to Howard and then Columbia and live the life she had planned out. Lottie is in a mental hospital. The juniors have one year left of High School but Crystal transferred to a High School in Atlantic City. Misty will go to a community college, but who gives a shit.
Shauna leaves for Brown in the Spring of ‘98, and her brother and Javi help her carry her stuff. Travis left the house and it’s just Javi and his mom for now, he’s probably with Natalie. Shauna’s mom gifts her a book with short stories titled The Love of a Good Woman by Alice Munro and tells her it’s a good chance to start over from the Wiskayok bullshit.
Because Wiskayok is a small town – that was why making it to Nationals had been so important and remarkable – and rumors spread very fast in small towns, it didn’t take long for it to reach Shauna’s ears. Did you hear what Shipman? Fucked the boyfriend of the Taylor girl, I always had a bad feeling about her. You know what they say about the shy ones.
Maybe Jeff got hit as collateral, but the most he got was player and cheater while Shauna got called a whore by people who always resented her for being the right hand of the Queen of High School. Perhaps that is what Jackie thinks of her, a backstabbing whore who didn’t deserve a goodbye.
People say pulling a Jackie is a synonym for running away or leaving unannounced, Shauna heard Zeke say it about one of his friends ( Billy pulled a Jackie to Connecticut and ruined our summer plans) and Shauna had to grit her teeth and curled her hands onto fists and held back the primal need of hitting her brother in the head. Perhaps her mom is right, this is an opportunity to start over.
(Sure, it’s not fucking California, but it’s good too.)
The good thing about Brown is that nobody knows her, nobody is trying to dictate what classes to take or what parties to go to. Shauna decides this semester will focus only on her studies, there will be time for partying later, and there is no one to drag her to parties and tell her to not be such a bore. No one telling her what to wear. No one to gently hold her when she’s wasted as she announces it’s time to go home and maybe it is.
The bad thing is that nobody knows her, only know her as Shauna the plane survivor, the few people who care to speak to her in her first semester only ask her questions about the crash, if it was scary if it’s true that they ate the bodies of the girls who didn’t make it (and what the fuck? Why would they?) and Shauna tries to play it off nicely at first, to joke about it. However, by March, anyone that attempts to try to talk to her about that is met with a glare and a fuck off.
Another thing that sucks about University is that there are many people – and it’s hard to connect with others outside the classroom, she should join a club or something. Maybe a writing one, but she’s always been too shy to share her writing except for that time Jackie annoyed her to try a poetry contest in high school and she won and was the first time someone had complimented her writing, even if that someone was just Coach Scott. Tai tells her that clubs are the easiest way to make friends (she joined the football team at Howard and is already the first choice) but…
But nothing feels real since they’ve returned from the Wilderness. It feels like she’s divided into three now, the person that she almost became back there, the person she’s currently trying to be – the person she could’ve been if the crash didn’t happen – and…
And the part of her that Jackie took with her to California.
She wondered how Jackie was doing, she liked to think that she found herself a rich boyfriend in Beverly Hills and was living the high life, Jackie is pretty, surely someone would scout her for modeling or something even if she was short. Maybe she’ll let herself loose and Shauna will see her in magazines like Playboy, like how it happened to Pamela Anderson or something.
(Ha, as if. Jackie Taylor would never. She’d probably think only sluts do that, and Shauna would be inclined to agree.)
But those dreams are better than the nightmares where Jackie is laying dead in the streets of Hollywood, barely recognizable and her pigmentation light blue – an aftermath of some drug Shauna can’t even think of even in her worst nightmares, people just passing her by, and she’s not even bothering to ask for help because nobody would come.
She just stares at Shauna with her small, dilated, overdosed green eyes, and Shauna stays still, frozen, can’t help her, or ask for help, she just lets her die.
She wakes up crying every single time.
In April of ‘98, she released her first short story for a contest at University.
It’s not like she has nothing better to do, she has no friends on campus, her closest friend lives in Washington pursuing a double degree, and she wants to be a writer, anyway, she should get over her shyness and just publish something for the sake of it, even if she doesn’t win.
It’s a horror story, about a girl who is dealing with the aftermath of her best friend dying in a tragic accident. A teenage prom queen, dead before her time. Shauna narrates it as a black hole taking over the town, which in itself was small compared to the grief of the protagonist because they’d had an argument the night before and she had told the dead girl that I wish you never existed and she got killed by a man while she was walking home alone.
The protagonist cannot cope with the grief and the guilt, and the second act is her digging her friend’s grave and using the only skill she has – sewing – to stitch her skin and her dead friend’s together, deciding she will live as her from now on, the story ends with the people of the town rejoicing for their queen returning, and nobody even remembers the main character, even as a passing thought.
It doesn’t win anything because it’s a stupid story – 2000 words isn’t enough to describe what Shauna wanted to write once she got the ball rolling, like what caused the fight, or how the main character befriended such a prom queen, or how they interacted while she was alive. She had to cut a lot of that shit. The other stories are way better, which would be fine. She’s still a freshman and there are more experienced students at Brown, that’s why she wanted the challenge.
The problem is that the winner was a freshman, so was third place, and the two honorary mentions, Shauna can’t even act like they weren’t good, they were, they were better than her.
And it’s not even about the story, because it was garbage anyway, and she should do better, but –
But she thought this feeling of invisibility would go away when she started anew. She doesn’t have Jackie to eclipse her or dictate her life anymore, She thought she’d feel free, and liberated, getting a chance to like or dislike new things on her own instead of always sharing them with someone. Even if the guilt for what she did and did not do gets in the way of enjoying fully newfound freedom instead…
( It’s alright, Shipman. We can’t win them all, you should like, totally let me read it though! Not that I need your permission, after all, I read your diary.)
Instead, she feels fucking lonely.
By the end of the Spring Semester, she has passed all her classes with outstanding grades and still felt just as shit as she felt the day Jackie Taylor disappeared in the Summer of ‘97. Shauna doesn’t know what she’ll do this summer, but other than occasional visits to her mom, she dreads the return to Wiskayok. They’ll have most likely buried what happened, but Shauna can’t bury the invisible scars those people said about her.
Fortunately, she doesn’t have to, because it’s around the end of the semester that luck begins switching for her.
“Hi, are you Shauna?”
“It depends, who’s asking?”
She’s a blonde, blue-eyed girl, one of those right straight out of sororities that make every person in the room turn around to see her. She’s wearing a purple sleeveless dress, her nails are pink with a ring on the middle finger, and she sits in front of Shauna without asking for permission.
“I’m Cassie James, nice to meet you.” And before Shauna can tell her it’s nice to meet her, the girl continues talking “I’m an actress, or aspiring one, anyway.”
“Oh, cool.”
“Yup! I wanna make it to Broadway, and then do the jump to Hollywood, and eventually win the EGOT! But my friends say there are too many people in LA, can barely fit an extra soul.” If Shauna made any reaction to the mention of Hollywood, Cassie didn’t mention it “Anyway, introductions have been done, I really liked your story, it was published in the magazine.”
“Oh…thank you.”
“And you know we have a film program, right?”
“I’ve heard.”
“Well, I showed the story to my friend, and we got to do a project for next Fall, and we were wondering if we could uh…adapt it if you don’t mind.”
What?
“R-really?”
“Yup!”
“But I mean…it didn’t win anything, why would you and your friends or whatever…choose my story?”
“You know that woman who’s writing those Harry Potter books? She got rejected by a lotta publishers. Now, I’m not particularly a fan of those books, I read the first book and I find the characters mean spirit at times, but probably should answer your question.” Cassie takes a deep breath, and then gives Shauna an honest, sincere smile “Because it spoke to me, and isn’t that the purpose, Shipman?”
“ Don’t call me that,” Shauna says before she can hold herself back, Cassie looks surprised – if a bit hurt. Something about this girl she barely knows looking hurt makes her feel horrible. She doesn’t feel bad about treating the other students who only wanted her because she was part of a mysterious crash like shit, because they deserve it, but this girl has done nothing but be kind to her “Sorry, it’s not personal, I’m…flattered it spoke to you, you can use the source material as you please.”
“Awesome!” Cassie’s smile grows bigger, like Jackie used to do when she finally got what she wanted “I mean, I can’t speak for the changes, because I’ll be only an actress, but the director wants you to be a part of it and you overlooking the changes, and stuff. We can meet at the McDonalds near campus. It’ll be fun!”
Come on, Shauna, it’ll be fun!
“Okay, I’ll – I’ll hear you out.”
In the Summer of ‘98, she gets a summer job at Starbucks that she hates, and she meets the director of her first adaptation (if you call a college film based on a shitty story that). Her name is Maria, she tells her that script writing and regular writing are two different things, but that the key to good adaptations is not being word-by-word (since you can read the book for that) but rather how to translate it to the public. Since Shauna’s first story isn’t that known, it makes sense to give her credit and a word on the changes. She can even drop by when they are filming if she wants to.
“Cassie here will be playing the prom queen as if it wasn’t obvious.” Maria says, pointing at Cassie in an affective way, then pointing to a curly-haired girl, who was going to be Shauna’s protagonist, even if they didn’t have a name yet ( you should because names matter) “And this is Gabi, she’s the one who brought the story to our attention.” Lisa smiles and waves at Shauna “I know it was mostly subtext, but I want to make it text if you catch my drift?”
Shauna doesn’t, She obviously knows what subtext is, but there wasn’t any in her story, at least not intentionally “What do you mean?”
“Wait, Shauna…” Maria says, and she sounds shocked “Did you accidentally write a metaphor about teenage lesbianism?”
What?
“I mean.” Gabi says “It's gay as hell."
“I thought it so as well.” Cassie interrupts, and then adds a little embarrassingly “Maybe that’s why it spoke to me, you know, not knowing if you want a person or you want to be then, and then the ending of the story kind of assembling both, because the main girl couldn’t live without her friend, so she chose to be her, even if it costs her identity.”
“Shauna, are you –?”
“Um, no, I’m not.” Admittedly, Shauna doesn’t know many gay people other than Tai and Van, but even before finding out, she didn’t mind. People should mind their own business, you know? “But I – I have friends that are, no problem with that.”
“Well.” Maria says “I am, so is Cassie, not together though. We’re just good friends. Gabi here is bisexual, or it’s just her being Dominican, probably both.”
“Callate, estupida!”
“A quien le dices —”
Cassie slides next to Shauna and whispers “Gabi’s Dominican, and Maria’s Puerto Rican, so if they switch to Spanish they are probably arguing over something stupid.”
Back to the movie, Maria wants to make it a lesbian tragedy – as explicit on its meaning, as it can be. It’s the 90s, and even in liberal places it would be a very bold move, the main girl is in love with her prom queen friend, who is unattainable yet within reach at the same time. It’s not the subplot she imagined in her multi-chapter book that she had to resume in 2000 words, but Shauna insists that the love is unrequited, and after a while and discussing the characters, Maria agrees.
“Why wouldn’t the prom queen like her back?” Cassie insists, even when Shauna tells her it will be that way or won’t be done. “We popular girls fall in love too, Shauna!”
“I kinda like it if they are together, you know.” Gabi says, walking next to them “I see Shauna’s point, but I don’t know, both ways would work.”
“You just wanna kiss Cassie.” Maria interrupts “I mean, I can see it too, and the end is like, a fucked up metaphor for grief, but I don’t think you can have grief without love.”
“...I’ll show you what I have on the drafts.” Shauna relents "And you can choose after.”
Okay, she doesn’t agree with it at first, even when Cassie points out that in the script there is a similar way both girls describe each other, except the lightning is different. For the dead girl, in the main girl’s memories, she’s in a black light with a white dress. The main girl, on her side, was imagined by the prom queen in a white light – she didn’t have any ill will towards her. Shauna ends up giving her blessing to the idea, it’s not bad, and she wonders if she would’ve won first place if she had laid towards the queer lens of it as Gabi says.
Gabi is from Atlantic City, so there’s a bit of camaraderie there because Cassie and Maria are from New York. They don’t talk much about the crash, but Gabi tells her that they were the pride of New Jersey for going to nationals anyway, so she should be proud of herself. Shauna tells her that she appreciates it, but she doesn’t like football much, Gabi tells her she understands, baseball is way better, which is even more worth disagreeing with, but she just laughs.
Maria always has something interesting to say – about how scriptwriting is different from prose but Shauna should catch a class or two if she’s interested, and Shauna starts to consider it. She’s very close to her family and has a lot of aunts and uncles, her Christmas is very loud.
Cassie doesn’t talk much about her home, but she’s known Maria since second grade, Her oldest sister was into tennis and Maria’s mom worked in one of the courts, and they began talking to each other and watched movies together all the time. They are sisters. Shauna likes her a lot, even if she’s the one she argues with the most, but Cassie tells her that if something makes her uncomfortable, she should just say it so it’s easier to resolve.
It feels nice, to be asked her opinion on things and feelings — it’s something she still struggled with, not knowing how to articulate her feelings without Jackie’s guidance or approval, but with friends, it feels like she’s finally gaining the freedom she wished for. When she hangs with them, it’s easier to ignore that part of her that says that they wouldn’t like her if they knew who she was.
The World Cup is also that summer, but it’s mostly background noise now that Shauna doesn’t have to pretend to give a fuck about the sport and her new friends don’t care either. Even Tai admits she doesn’t care much about the Men’s World Cup when the Women’s will be next year, which is the one she likes and apparently, it will be in the United States too. They are actually good at football, unlike the Men’s team.
( Jackie must be enjoying it she can’t help but think. She liked both tournaments both for men and women. Ever since they were little, Jackie would do her best to fill the panini albums even if she never could fill them. They always ended up half abandoned in some part of her room. Shauna wonders if she is still doing it now. It’s been a year since the last time she heard of her.)
Also, she meets Jeff again.
He’s working in a furniture store with Randy after graduating high school and working in a restaurant she and her new friends frequent, and Shauna tells him that if he doesn’t go to uni he should pick a trade or something. He looks like he didn’t even consider it until she brought it up, but that it was a good idea and would search into it.
She doesn’t even know why they begin hanging out in their free time when she enjoys being with the girls more. They don’t even talk about the lost baby. Shauna wonders if Jeff feels both empty and relieved as Shauna does. They don’t even talk about Wiskayok, but since Jeff goes often to visit his parents, they’ve mostly forgotten about the whole thing. Replaced by the newest gossip, Shauna supposes.
“So…um…Jackie is in LA.” Jeff says, and it’s more of a statement than a question.
“Yeah. Been for a year. No one knows what she’s up to.”
“It’s crazy, I mean…California is pretty far.”
It is, too far from either of them to reach each other, perhaps it was for the best, but…
But Shauna would’ve fucking liked to have a say in it, because she’s been looking up to Jackie’s guidance every single day since they met, let Jackie dictate what they liked and what classes to take, and then she fucking leaves without saying goodbye and takes a part of Shauna with her.
( Or are you relieved? That voice that sounds much like her own says relieved that she took the hard choice, so you wouldn’t have to. Before it got worse, and you know it would’ve gotten worse? )
“Did she talk to you?” Did you know she was leaving?
“Well, other than the visits to the doctor, she barely went out so I didn’t have a chance to talk to her much.” Jeff explains “But I once um…snuck into her room, like I used to do, because I wanted to talk to her and it was…”
Jeff explains that he expected that she would throw the closest thing she had at hand at him, or tell him she hoped the branch broke and his neck dislocated and died, but she looked at him with such disinterest, almost as if he wasn’t there at all, that it was almost creepy. Jeff apologized, and Jackie just shrugged and accepted the apology as long as he left immediately, he didn’t have to be told twice.
Shauna knew exactly the look he was talking about, and sure, it felt horrible, but at least she didn’t flinch away from him like she did with them. Shauna wonders if Jeff knows that Jackie has always loved hugs, perhaps because her parents didn’t give them often but Shauna’s mother was always delighted to hug her. Jackie would probably hug fucking Zeke if he liked contact. Jackie has been hugging Shauna since the day they befriended each other at kindergarten, even if Shauna doesn’t like to be hugged much she liked Jackie’s hugs, for her to flinch from Shauna’s touch whenever she attempted to come close to her…
“It…it was fucked, what we did.” Jeff says, looking at the birds in the park “I mean – I knew it was wrong. We fucked it up, Shauna and I do feel awful but I — I do like you, I just wish that…that I had been man enough to just cut it with her, before…trying it out, you know?”
Yeah, they are both responsible, but Shauna knows it was different with her, because Shauna and Jackie were an extension of one another, almost like those Siamese kids that you see on TV. How do you move forward after a betrayal of the highest order? Shauna thinks that if it had been Jackie who did it, Shauna would’ve lost control. Perhaps it would’ve even gotten physical. Jackie doesn’t have the physical strength to do that, but something as small as a slap would’ve been a mark of punishment, and they could call it even.
There was nothing of the sort, not even an insult, or a remark, and she even sounded sad when she lost her baby.
Do you need anything?
Shit, Shauna doesn’t even know if she liked Jeff that much, would have she been with him if she didn’t know he was Jackie’s? But still, he chose her over Jackie, he was the first. It made her realize that people could like her over Jackie, despite Jackie.
“Yeah. We should’ve been more honest.”
“But um…Shauna, since we are in a new city and with new beginnings, and she’s got her beginnings as well…I don’t know if you would like to…you know, go out together somewhere or something?”
“ — Like a date?”
“No, I mean — yeah, if you want to.”
In the end, she accepts going out with him, and they date for a while, Even if she doesn’t like Jeff that much, he’s alright and a nice boyfriend. He gets her cute gifts, like the ones he used to give to Jackie that she would brag to Shauna about. Her new friends don’t seem to mind him they ignore him most of the time – almost as if he isn’t there. Gabi says he is cute, but you could do better Shauna. Cassie and Maria don’t talk to men unlike if it’s necessary or a family member.
Things are different this time, when Jeff kisses her, he doesn’t taste like spearmint gum but instead of the remnants of cinnamon gum — she tries to convince herself that this is better, that this is real, not whatever they were doing back then.
But she sees Cassie doing bubbles with spearmint bubblegum and remembers Jackie used to do that until it blew on her face and suddenly she had gum all over her chin and nose and Shauna would roll her eyes in exasperation.
She begins carrying that gum in her purse.
It’s the Fall of 1998, and Jeff will ask her to marry her sometime around November — the week of Jackie’s 19th birthday. She knows Jeff doesn’t remember because Jackie would always complain that he didn’t remember birthdays, and Shauna will be fully aware that is a mistake, but because that has never stopped her, she will say yes.
It’s the first time someone (her creative writing professor) tells her that she puts her protagonists through trauma porn.
Well, he didn’t say that, he just pointed out after a couple of short stories how she always handles her protagonists, about how they always seem to be punished by the narrative. There was a purpose to unhappy endings, as they’ve been existing before the Greek tragedy, but her protagonists do not reach such conclusions, every time they get better, the narrative manages to get worse (Okay, he didn’t say trauma porn, but that’s what he meant – or what Shauna heard, anyway).
Then she got into an argument with a classmate. She claimed Shauna barely read female authors, which got her more irritated because she thought of Jackie. Jackie would read mostly everything she read – because God forbid Shauna could have anything for herself – but she’d often say that the only female author she saw on Shauna’s bookshelf was Austin’s books and Frankenstein, and it was always with a grin she said so, which pissed Shauna off even more.
She probably could call Tai, and Tai would tell her that criticism is important to be a good writer, and Shauna would agree. Her friends would tell her to just suck it up, and she’d be annoyed but would concede. Her mom would tell her that she has always struggled with criticism, and because she’s her mom, Shauna wouldn’t say otherwise.
But if she thinks about it so much, Shauna would think about asking Jackie do you think I could be a writer? and Jackie had asked like Anne Rice? and Shauna had said yeah, but less horny and Jackie had laughed and said of course! I love reading your stories, I’ll buy all your books, you are very talented, Shipman.
A reminder of that would be nice, at least in those days where she doesn’t feel she’s good enough.
(Her roommate painted her part of the room with light pink, which Shauna didn’t have any problem with but that is bothering her a lot today for some reason.)
At least the movie is wrapping up nicely, Maria is different on-set than off-set. She yells, demands repeats, and even gets off to show how she wants a scene to play out. Cassie and Gabi are good at their skills as well, and in her limited knowledge of acting, she thinks Cassie is the better actor. The crew and everything are all cool too.
And Cassie was right, which irritates Shauna, about the adaptational change.
There is no reason neither in Shauna’s original story nor in the script that suggests the prom queen didn’t love her friend back. Admittedly, the character is a little bit one-dimensional, and changes for the sake of expanding one character and enriching a story should always be encouraged. The girl dies early, but as shown in the script, her last thoughts were on the friend who wished death on her, and how she is framed in Prom’s Queen mind before dying as her ‘smiling, beloved friend surrounded by light’ which is the same way the protagonist sees her as her funeral is happening.
These two characters are one, it is almost impossible to know where one ends and the other begins, and the main character is feeling lost and despairing so she retorts by sewing herself onto the girl’s dead skin, like how she used to fix her friend’s dresses and it serves like some sort of catharsis. The dead girl has resurrected and the alive girl is forgotten. You don’t know who is who at the end.
“But wouldn’t this be a love story?”
“I mean, love and horror can be intertwined.”
“You should probably read more of it if you want it to be your thing, Shauna.”
“Shut up, Cassie.”
“I was just saying!”
The movie ends up wrapping up at the end of winter, though Shauna can’t see much of it after September, because she has her classes to attend and has finally chosen a topic for her research, She will have to read like crazy which means less time for creative writing, but she doesn’t mind.
“Here’s the tape with the movie.” Cassie says, putting it on her hand “If you submit anything else, even if it’s a draft, just let us know and we can work it out together. It was fun.”
“Yeah, it was.” Admittedly, the best part was gaining friends in the process, even if sometimes anger got the best of her. Cassie looks very pretty today, prettier than usual which is in itself remarkable “Going out?”
“Yeah, we are going to The Stable.”
“Oh.” The gay bar in Rhode Island, she’s heard of it “Well, have fun.”
“You know…it’s a shame, Shauna.” Cassie shrugs.
“...What is it?”
“That you have a fiance, and that you don’t like me.”
She leaves before Shauna can even have a response, and she never brings it up again, no matter how much Shauna tries.
It’s the Summer of ‘99, and it’s her bachelorette party.
When you survive a horrifying experience, it feels great to see old faces again (well, not all of them, but you know, the ones who haven’t been in radio silence for over two years). Taissa hugs her tight as soon as she sees her and tells her how Howard is doing and how much of a pain finals are when you have 2 degrees. Natalie and Van came together from California, they came here on a bus, because we aren’t fans of planes, as you’d understand. Gen, Melissa, and Mari all come too. Lottie couldn’t come because her parents locked her away, no matter how much they tried to her, Mr. Matthews said it was for the best.
Natalie talks about LA, how it’s annoyingly filled by people, you can barely fit an extra soul in there, and the housing is terrible, many homeless people, and it’s expensive as fuck. It’s why she tried luck in other cities, but ended up staying and getting a cool roommate and she’s helping her to get in shape and ended up falling in love with football again.
Shauna almost wants to ask, but if LA is annoyingly filled with people, then there’s no way.
“So, Mari, tell us what happened in Atlantic City!” Gen says, eagerly.
“So, me and Crystal were staying together –” Mari explains “But she and I had a fight and she pulled a Jackie and —”
She covers her mouth too late, just when she sees everyone’s reaction. The room suddenly becomes silent, nobody is talking, and even the music stops, because Natalie turns it down.
“So” Nat begins “is that how you all talk about her?”
Fuck.
No, Jackie isn’t here, no matter how much Shauna thought about it, about exchanging an invitation for Misty in exchange for Jackie’s number, because Misty let her know she had it. Perhaps if they spoke, she would come, if not for the party, then for the wedding because –
There should not be a world where Jackie isn’t in Shauna’s wedding, except it exists, it’s this universe. She didn’t come, and Shauna is relieved that she didn’t. She is mad she didn’t. Mad that Jackie didn’t interrupt it with her dramatics. Or with a small smile and a gift that would be forgiveness, even when Shauna knows, that at every possible level, she is the one who should be begging for forgiveness.
“I asked you a question, Mari,” Nat repeats, her voice tone slightly louder
“It’s a saying, Nat.” The younger girl says “Jesus Christ.”
“You all got some balls to use her as a saying after what you did to her.”
“Nat.” Tai tries to intervene “Please, not on this day.”
“No, shut up , Taissa.” And Nat looks Shauna in the eye, crossing her arms “So, you send your fiance to tell her to come if she wants to, not even call her yourself, let alone dignify her with an invitation, and you won’t stand up for her when she isn’t here?”
Wait.
What?
How does she —? Did someone —?
Fuck you, Jeff.
“I — I didn’t tell anyone to call Jackie, Natalie.” Shauna says, and that is true, she did mention to Jeff that it would be nice to see her – but she never acted on it “And I don’t even like when people use that saying, so I don’t get why you are confronting me instead of Mari.”
“Maybe you should —”
“ — Okay, okay, let’s all calm down.” Van intervenes, putting her arm around Nat’s shoulder “How about you and I go smoke outside and we calm ourselves before we resume the party? This is Shauna’s last moment of freedom, after all!”
Van is right.
This is her party, with her girls, the people who chose her over Jackie when it counted. When she was judging them over what almost happened to Travis as if she gave a shit.
Except it seems Nat took Jackie’s side, which doesn’t make sense, they didn’t even like each other. Jackie slept with Travis. Why would Nat stand up for Jackie like this? Why does Nat know that Jeff probably contacted her?
God, now she is pissed off at a party on her honor, but somehow, like fucking always, it managed to be about Jackie and how much they fucked Jackie up, she didn’t even have to be here to be the center of attention.
She decides she needs some fresh air, with Taissa walking next to her. She doesn’t thank her enough, for not judging her over what she did, for always being there on sleepless nights. For validating her anger, for not making her feel like she is crazy. Even when they aren’t close physically, one living in Rhode Island and the other in Washington, it feels like Tai is always there to be with her.
(Even if she knows Tai doesn’t think the wedding is a good idea.)
“Have you heard about Jackie?” Tai asks
“Not a word.”
“Hm.” Tai goes quiet for a moment “I thought she would’ve caved in and called you by now, to be honest.”
And she hits it right in the nail, so much so that Shauna freezes.
“What the fuck was that reaction from Nat, seriously.”
“Don’t worry, Van’ll soothe things down.”
“How are you both?”
“We are fine, the long-distance stuff didn’t work.” Taissa returns to the original topic “This is your night, Shauna. Van is probably reminding Nat of this too. You better remember it, this is about you.” And then Taissa grins, and pulls her back into the room “So let’s have fun!”
And they have fun, eventually.
It is hard to ignore the presence that should’ve been there, the absence even more noticeable since Nat called them out. Shauna can hear Jackie’s voice giving a half-emotional speech that she would’ve done if she had been here. It’s her mind playing games with her, so she drowns it with alcohol. She fucking hates it unless it’s a sugary sweet, but the juniors tease her about her Malibu drink and she needs to show she’s a grown-up.
She’s more irritated by Mari’s presence than she has ever been before, how the fuck she almost ruins the party and then she’s busy laughing with Akilah and Melissa? She’s also avoiding Shauna’s eyes, so she must know to a certain degree this is her fault. Shauna and Nat barely interact at the party after that, but her promise to Tai doesn’t stop her from sending glares at her. The worst part is that Nat is high so she kind of waves back and goes back to laughing with Van until her phone rings and she steps out and it’s long enough that Shauna goes to check on her. She is going to be annoyed as fuck if it’s Travis.
“Oh. Okay.” She overhears Natalie, her back is turned back on Shauna, but there is relief in her voice as well as amusement “San Francisco? I swear one can’t leave her alone. Let me talk to her real quick so I can confirm it’s her. Know about trusting strangers and shit. Thanks. Hey. Don’t ‘Hiiiiiiii Nat’ me, Jackie, you are drunk as fuck. So what if I am?” A laugh “You’re good though right? Okay, we’ll talk tomorrow, or when I get back.”
It feels like someone has punched her in the stomach.
Nat and Jackie are in contact with each other.
No, fuck that, when you put things together, like Nat’s reaction to Mari’s stupid comment, and how she spoke of a roommate, and how Nat just said that they’ll talk when she gets back…
Nat and Jackie might be living together, in Los Angeles.
(She doesn’t have a name for the burning feeling in her stomach.)
Nat turns around, and Shauna stays frozen in place. It’s something that happens often when it’s related to Jackie.
“So, you gonna ask?” Nat asks with a shrug.
“When?” It’s all she can muster, she can’t even say the full sentence, like when did you both meet again or when did you start living together?
“This Spring, it’s easier to live in LA when you have people to split the rent with.” Nat takes another drag off her cigarette. Frustration grows bigger in Shauna’s mind once she realizes Nat isn’t going to talk – and if she does, it will be very specific questions. Nat is protecting Jackie, from us, from me.
And yet there are a million questions she wants to ask, such as why is she in San Francisco. How is she getting by? Is she clean? Does she talk about me?
“Is she okay?” It’s what she says instead, and maybe it’s what she wants to ask.
Nat’s voice softens a little bit “Yeah, she’s okay.”
It is reliving, but a taste is enough for Shauna to ask for more – or at least, to know as much as Nat is willing to tell her, but they get interrupted by Mari who’s drunk off her mind and is the crybaby type of drunk.
“Nat! I don’t…I don’t hate her! you know. I…I do feel bad…I’m sorry about what I said.”
Nat shrugs it off and walks towards her back into the room, taking a sip off Mari’s beer, It doesn’t sound like she’s upset or anything – at least not towards Mari.
“It’s not me you gotta apologize to.” Nat shrugs, her tone not particularly cruel or aggressive “But the person that you need to apologize to isn’t here, and doesn’t want to be found. I think that if you are repentant, you all need to respect that.” \
It is not directed at Mari, at all.
(It’s what we owe to people, Shauna, respect.)
It all starts with canceling the wedding before the fall of ‘99.
Fortunately, it was in time so they (mostly Jeff’s family, admittedly) could get the money back. It is a little humiliating, but it wouldn’t have worked out. A relationship built on lies and deception would have not worked in the long run, Shauna realizes. She sort of feels awful, because even though the entire fucking behind Jackie’s back had been the sin of two people, he does love her. Enough to let her go when she had second thoughts.
Perhaps, if she loved him back, then it would be a little more justified – all that she did. She tried. She tried. But she couldn’t, and he knew she couldn’t.
Fall of ‘99 goes by in a blink, but it’s the first time in her semester that her grades take a hit, she hasn’t been the same since that fucking bachelorette party. She barely answers the phone for Tai, and that’s only because Taissa’s stubborn enough to not give up even when it’s clear that she doesn’t want to talk to anybody.
She doesn’t have inspiration for creative writing either, and all her poems are half-written shit and her short stories are all about girls who fall in love with monsters.
She also hasn’t spoken to her friends since the Thanksgiving break, because she got into a huge fight with Cassie.
To be fair, she started it when Shauna was complaining that her professors were saying that the problem about making the protagonist suffer beyond narrative reasons had gotten worse instead of better even if her writing had improved, The girls offered to read her draft, but only Cassie had been the one to tell her the professor was right. On itself, it wouldn’t be a problem, because despite what everyone might think, she can handle constructive criticism, the problem is that she said that it would be a good time to self reflect, because it’s showing in your fucking writing and then Shauna had asked her what the fuck do you know about writing and Cassie had said more than you, obviously.
And then the insults became more personal, and Shauna couldn’t hold it, and she had to bring up Cassie’s mom – a higher-up in a book publisher that she doesn’t speak to unless Cassie has to.
She looked an awful lot like Jackie the night they fought, tears in her eyes and all, and she had said you can be so cruel, Shauna.
All she’s good for is to push people away, it seems.
The last weeks of the semester she orders takeout to her room and eat alone in there, they didn’t call her again after that – well, Gabi told her it was fucked up, and was trying to patch things together, but Shauna didn’t want to answer her calls either.
She isn’t used to people being angry at her long-term.
Jackie and Shauna had big fights before that night in the wilderness, entire days and even weeks not speaking to one another, but Jackie never lasted too long being mad at her, she was always the one who reached out.
(Except when she got tired of Shauna and left without saying goodbye.)
When her mom tells her to come back home for the holidays, and she’s very insistent this time, maybe it’s her motherly instincts realizing she’s going through a hard patch, Shauna even hugs her as she sees her. Her brother even tries to not be so annoying, and he’s in a good mood, perhaps because it means they don’t have to share Hannukah with Jeff. Shauna wonders if Jackie knows that this year it’s from the 3rd to the 11th. She probably does, she was better at keeping track of that stuff better than Shauna did.
(She acts like she doesn’t see a card on the table, on a pink envelope with no name but an address from Los Angeles. It’s on holidays where her absence is felt the most, Jeff sat where Jackie used to sit on the table once and her brother sent him glares through the entire dinner.)
Her mother sends them to do some shopping in her stead, the two of them not talking unless strictly necessary, which she appreciates, some silence can be good sometimes. Shauna loves her brother, but there has always been some disconnection between them. Perhaps it’s because Zeke is introverted and prefers comic books and video games to people and is always drawing in his room, and Shauna had Jackie, so there was not much room for bonding there. Regardless, he’s always been on her side when it mattered, and neither of them is much favored by their dad, who prefers the normal sons from his second marriage, so there was some common ground there.
She decides they’ll drop by the diner that they frequent and get some milkshakes, and she goes through the shortcut she’s always known. If she hadn’t fucked up everything, or if they had talked shit through, she would probably be picking up Jackie from her house, because you have to go through the Taylors home yes or yes. She tries not to think about it, it’s hard not to think about Jackie when she’s at Wiskayok.
“Jackie’s stuff is outside,” Zeke says out loud.
…What?
She hasn’t even put the car in parking by the time Shauna jumps off the car, it’s very stupid in retrospect because she doesn’t look to see if any cars are coming, but she doesn’t give a fuck. Not when it says FOR FREE! In all caps, it was a winter cleaning, but it is just Jackie’s stuff. She must look crazy because the people who were eyeing the stuff either stayed far away or went straight to the car with their new old stuff.
It’s mostly clothing, some of it even belonging to a younger Shauna that was probably hidden in Jackie’s closet and does not fit her anymore. Notebooks and books from High School and some romance books that Shauna recognizes she gave Jackie for her birthday. VHS’s of Grease and Heathers they watched together a million times. Even old toys that Jackie left behind long before she turned ten. Photo albums. Pictures of Jackie and Shauna. Her #9 jersey from High School.
“She wouldn’t want this.” Shauna whispers to Zeke “She doesn’t…”
She doesn’t like it when Mrs. Taylor touches her stuff without permission.
“If she comes back, she wouldn’t have any stuff.” Zeke says, raising an eyebrow “And it’s only her stuff too — Shauna? Hey! Shauna!”
Shauna doesn’t know what possesses her to walk to the door and knock on it when the easiest thing to do is grab Jackie’s stuff – silently – and leave it at their house. Jeff owes her a few favors, he could figure it out and report back to Shauna. She could get her mom to ask Jackie what happened, she doesn’t even need to talk to Shauna if she doesn’t want to. Shit, she could call Natalie and she would ask her what happened.
You won’t dignify her with an invitation, but won’t stand up for her when she isn’t here?
The door is opened by that woman.
“Shauna, Ezequiel.” Mrs. Taylor greets “What a surprise, what can we do for you?”
“Why is Jackie’s stuff on the street?” Shauna demands, not even bothering with pleasantries.
Shauna fucking hates this woman, always has, probably the first person she’s ever hated.
It probably started when they were six and Jackie was quiet and Shauna was worried because six-year-old Jackie never shut up and was always telling Shauna random facts, so obviously, when she was quiet, it meant something had happened. After insisting on sharing why she was sad, Jackie explained her mom had hit her because she bounced her leg too much. For someone who sleeps the day away with valium, she always had something to say about Jackie, and it was rarely anything good. She’s never been particularly fond of Shauna, either.
(“ Shauna. ” Jackie had whispered to her the first time her mom took them out to get ice cream “Your mom is so nice.” )
“None of your concern.” Mrs. Taylor answers, and somehow that makes Shauna angrier – because why does everyone seem to have decided for her that she shouldn’t know shit about Jackie? Let Shauna fucking choose if that is the case or not “We just had a conversation and she will not come back to this town, I figured it was fine to give stuff away, in the spirit of the holidays.”
“This is her whole life.” Shauna insists because if it was some clothing or whatever they left on Goodwill, she wouldn’t mind, but this is a fucking eviction, and it doesn’t make sense, because she doesn’t even live here anymore “You could ask her if she wants something from here and mail it!”
“You can take it if you want.” The woman answers, clearly wanting the conversation to be over “It’s what you do, don’t you.”
“Don’t speak to Shauna like that!” Zeke exclaims, but Shauna tells him with a look to stay out of this.
“You don’t give a fuck about Jackie.” Shauna snarls “You don’t get to be offended on her behalf.”
“Oh, and you do?”
“Yes.” And this is a fact because it’s Shauna who would pick up Jackie from a Christmas party whenever her mother got particularly nasty or she’d be the one Jackie would call when it got too bad and she was crying over the phone “Yes, I do.”
“You sure have an interesting way to show it.” Mrs. Taylor says coldly, and she focuses on Shauna, almost as if something suddenly made sense in her head “You know, Shauna? I never understood why she was so fixated on you, why she would bend backward to please you, and make us change our plans based on your birthday.”
“If she preferred to be with my family instead of hers, it’s hardly my fault., Shauna states, trying her best to defend herself, but Mrs. Taylor doesn’t seem to hear, she’s almost monologuing.
“Even after…whatever happened to you over there, and the Jeff thing, she’d get so upset when someone spoke about you.” This feels like a genuine punch in the stomach, and remember Natalie’s words “And going with you to the hospital. frankly, I didn’t understand it…there’s a difference between being noble and being foolish in the face of disrespect, I told her, and she’d ignore me, but…now it does make a lot of sense.”
“What?” Shauna asks because it makes less sense the more this woman talks – though the venom is so deep, Shauna wonders how Jackie could withstand it whenever she is home. She was probably more at home than she ever had before when they returned until she left. Alone, and having to deal with her family’s criticism and no one to turn to but herself “What does it make sense?”
“You claim you care for Jackie more than we do, but the things you do are not something you do for someone you care about.” Mrs. Taylor concludes, and her tone makes it clear that the conversation is over “You ruined my daughter, I hope you are happy.”
The door closes in Shauna’s face, and she doesn’t know how long she stays there until her brother pulls her out and starts putting the rest of Jackie’s stuff in the car. She does the same in silence. Boxes full of stuff that belongs to someone Shauna has not spoken to in over two years. She can’t let Jackie’s shit be given away so recklessly when it was happening without her permission.
You ruined my daughter.
The accusation resounds in her ears even after she gets home, the tone full of venom, yet there is some truth to it.
She would’ve rather been called a whore.
Jackie always spoke of leaving town, that after Rutgers they (because it was never I, it was always we ) would move to New York, hopefully, Manhattan because they would be making a lot of money despite her never speaking about a future career. It was only one time when Jackie admitted out loud that once they did, she would not talk to her parents unless it was necessary.
But that would be on her terms, not on the terms of her stupid parents, that’s why Shauna just couldn’t leave her stuff there, call it the last bastion of some fucked up loyalty or whatever you want.
It’s like a time capsule, especially going through the toys, the nostalgia is almost overwhelming. There are some Barbies, for sure, the ones that Jackie didn’t give away for the holidays because they were hidden in some part of her room, the ones Shauna and her would play hours with and they’d make the Barbies marry each other or marry a ninja turtle and make the only Ken she had the bad guy. Sometimes whatever Transformers toy she had would be the one officiating the wedding.
Jackie had been a very wild kid – at least when Shauna met her before her mother forced her to not be one, very tomboyish and would never sit still and would talk for hours. Shauna had been awfully shy, scared of other children, and would cry when her mom dropped her at kindergarten and before she met Jackie and was too much of a baby to fight back when mean little girls messed with her.
And then Jackie had shown up, had pushed a girl and bit the other, and got in trouble with her parents, but before they arrived she told Shauna the entirety of her five-year-old life and about how the ninja turtles are named after painters – whoa, she talks a lot she thought as she listened. Once they managed to get out of trouble, Shauna finally managed to introduce herself and Jackie’s eyes shone and said she thought Shauna was mute Shauna got all silent again, cheeks red, and Jackie said that she liked her voice and she should talk more and waved her goodbye and the day after she asked Shauna if she wanted to play with her.
You’ve made me like this, you know?
“I didn’t know Jackie liked this stuff.” Zeke says, holding an Optimus Prime figure “It’s well taken care of.”
“Mom got it for her birthday, I think.” Shauna forces herself to answer.
“I tell you, if she had kept the box, this would be a collectible, this is off the market.” Zeke insists, looking at the toy “I think we could get some money off it”
Perhaps it was the conversation with Mrs. Taylor, but that suggestion made her furious.
“Get your hands off her shit!”
“Shauna!” Her mother comes into the living room.
“It was an observation!” Zeke defends himself “Mom!”
“I don’t care! It’s the principle of it! If it’s hers and she isn’t here, then don’t touch it!”
Her youngest brother almost blurbs out a sentence that would’ve ended up with Shauna beating the lights off him, her mother steps in the moment Shauna is grabbing him by his stupid Spider-man shirt, and tells both of them to go to their rooms when he started this whole shit by pissing Shauna off.
Fuck her stupid brother, one of the perks of Jackie demanding all the attention from Shauna was that they mostly ignored Zeke once he became old enough to not be bossed around. Not that Zeke minded Jackie. As far as Shauna knew, they were civil towards each other but didn’t have much of a relationship, but then again, he likes drawing more than people and when he was five he drew her in a family picture while excluding their dad because she was more at their house than their actual dad.
God, and now she thinks about her dad, the only thing that guy was good for was for buying a PlayStation for them a few years ago and a GameBoy that Zeke will get on the last day of Hannukah. He’s not even worth a thought in the holidays. Having shitty fathers that only were good for buying stuff was something she and Jackie had in common. Except hers lived with her. Not anymore, though.
Her room feels strangely empty, not for the lack of things but because she removed all the pictures she took with Jackie off her walls the day she left and hid them somewhere away from her sight. Zeke put most of the boxes stuff in Shauna’s room as asked. Some of these Shauna recognizes she gave to Jackie for either birthdays or holidays, a picture of them when they were six. Another one was when they were 10 in that stupid football team that she joined because Jackie was at her happiest on the field even when she risked injuries. A picture of Shauna kissing Jackie’s cheek in her Sweet 16. It’s like Jackie’s mother wanted everything related to Shauna and Jackie to be on its own so it could be ripped or burned away.
You ruined my daughter. She bent backward to please you.
That isn’t true. She should have said. She never asked me for my opinion on things.
She probably would’ve found a way to convince Shauna that she wanted Rutgers, not Brown, even if Shauna had been honest with her.
There are a couple of VHS recordings that Shauna puts against her better judgment, there is one of a school show when they were eight or nine, her mom was the one recording and constantly calling for them. Jackie spots the camera first and she tugs Shauna’s shirt and points out where the camera is and they both greet cheerfully at the camera before their attention goes back to the teacher to sing some songs for the choir. Jackie wouldn’t stop touching her little Santa hat no matter how much little Shauna tried to fix it.
The second VHS it’s when they are a little bit older, maybe fifteen or so, and Jackie was drunk at Lottie’s party while dancing and singing Last Christmas and you could hear Shauna’s laughter in the background.
Shauna wonders how Jackie put sixteen years of her life in a couple of suitcases and how much she struggled with what was necessary and what was not before putting it in her car and driving away. It seems like she left most of her memories here on purpose. She didn’t see any jewelry that Jeff gave her for her birthday, like that fancy necklace she showed at Lottie’s birthday party. Shauna wondered if she gave it all away in a pawn shop in exchange for money, she’d probably be underpaid for it, she wouldn’t know the true price. Probably didn’t care much either, just wanted an excuse to get rid of it.
Shauna can almost imagine a story in her head about it, Jackie grabbing whatever she can and leaving either very early in the morning or late at night. Non-stop driving except to get gas, ask for directions or eat shitty food when she remembered to eat because she would forget to eat sometimes if Shauna didn’t remind her unless her stomach finally demanded it. Driving almost nonstop until reaching Denver or Roanoke, whenever she decided it was far enough from Wiskayok, far enough from Shauna, she would finally allow herself to cry because she hadn’t since she came back to life.
But it’s not that what finally breaks her.
It’s the fucking drawing.
When they were six, Shauna drew something for Jackie, it was a super childish thing, a drawing with uneven blues and a smiling sun of them holding hands and their names on pink and green. It wasn’t the best drawing or anything. She’s never been the best artist, let alone at six (that was her Zeke, unfortunately) but it had been made with genuine love because she didn’t talk much back then and just needed to show little Jackie how much Shauna loved her.
Jackie’s eyes shone when she held it in her hands and hugged Shauna tightly promising her she’d keep it forever, She climbed into a chair and put it on her walls with duck tape, Jackie’s room changed a lot, from action figures and barbies to makeup and Mariah, Hole and Nirvana adorned her walls, but the drawing still kept it’s place. Shauna would tell her to put it down, that it was embarrassing, and she’d look at Shauna like she was crazy.
Sure, the paper has aged through the years, but now it’s yellowish because Jackie said she would laminate it and she never did because she forgot. You can tell Mrs. Taylor removed it from the wall with zero care because the remnants of dried tape are still on the borders of it. It’s not perfect, it’s far from what it used to be when originally made and Shauna’s making it worse by letting her tears fall over it but…
But she meant it back then when she wrote it, and she still means it now, even if…
Even if she can’t tell Jackie that because she ran to California because Shauna ruined her.
“Honestly, you both are going to kill me,” Her mom says, knocking on the door once and when ignored opening the door without asking “Shauna! Baby, are you okay?”
“ I didn’t mean it! ” She explodes, because someone needs to hear it – someone who doesn’t judge her or think she’s awful, or maybe her mom thinks she is, she just doesn’t say it. It doesn’t matter, she can’t shut up now “It’s her fault for being stubborn and causing a scene but I didn’t want anything to happen to her!”
“You’re going a little too fast, honey.”
“And she wouldn’t talk to me and I felt bad and I’d try to talk to her but she’d flinch so I stopped trying because all I do is fuck up my relationships I must’ve gotten it from Dad or something!”
“Shauna!”
“I just wanted some space and a chance to be myself but I didn’t want Jackie out of my life like this I love Jackie and nobody believes me when I say so!”
“Shauna.” Her mother puts her hands on Shauna’s shoulders, it takes her a minute to calm down. Her vision was a bit blurry from all the crying “I know you love Jackie, I believe you.”
“N-nobody wants to t-tell me when I ask how is she.” She insists “N-not even you, I-I know you talk to her. I-I saw the envelope.”
“Well…” Her mother admits, sitting next to her “Yes, we do talk sometimes, I didn’t want her to feel she didn’t have no one to rely on, especially across the country. I didn’t tell you, because you both get a little crazy whenever the other is mentioned and I didn’t want you to get snappy. I just sent her and Natalie some gelt while you two were out.”
“That’s nice.” She forces herself to say, that it does bring her some relief that Jackie is living with someone they know instead of mingling with God knows who, but Jackie and Nat living in LA together didn’t sound correct in her head while Jackie and Shauna living in New York after graduation did “I…Is she doing okay?”
“Yeah, she works 2 jobs and goes to school, so we haven’t sat to talk in a while, but she’s doing alright. I can ask her if she is okay if you are worried.”
“Okay.”
The idea that Jackie is working two jobs when she’s only had a summer job on her resume that she’d call out when she didn’t feel like waking up early is so fucking surreal. People change and she’d have to work in California, but that sounds so different from the Jackie she knows.
She ends up telling her everything, and Shauna can’t hear her voice, but she tells her about the journal, about the fight, about Jackie almost dying (and at this, her mom was genuinely horrified but managed to pull herself together to calm down Shauna who was at the verge of wailing again) and how she also messed up her friendships at Brown and how she self-sabotages every single thing she’s ever cared for and how it’s okay if she doesn’t love Shauna anymore because she’s awful and she’ll leave tomorrow.
“Shauna, baby, I need you to calm down, okay? Take a deep breath, mhm, yeah, good.” Her mother says as she presses a kiss on Shauna’s forehead “No matter what mistakes you make along the way, there’s no way I’ll ever stop loving you, okay?”
“O-Okay, so I don’t have t-to leave?”
“If anything you should visit more, but I understand.”
“Y-You’re n-not g-going to throw m-my things like Jackie’s m-mom.”
“Jackie’s mom is a cunt, honey.” And hearing that word from her mother’s mouth made Shauna laugh a little bit “You’d think losing your daughter for months would get you to self-reflect on how you treat her, but some people…well, it is what it is but no one is going to kick you out or stop loving you. I promise you that.”
Overall – and perhaps the most embarrassing confession, is that she doesn’t know who she is without Jackie. Even when she’s in Brown, everything reminds her of her. All that Shauna knows about herself, is that she’s angry, likes writing and hurting people apparently, and figuring it out is harder than she thought.
“If it’s some comfort…” Her mother says, pulling her close “I think everyone your age is figuring out who they are. There is no shame in that, it’s the opposite, but Shauna, you don’t enjoy hurting people.”
“But…”
“Yes, Shauna, you did a bad thing to someone you love – well, several, for what you’ve told me, but you are regretful and it’s weighing down on you. If you were bad, you wouldn’t feel anything about it, or wouldn’t have rescued Jackie’s stuff. You would’ve made an excuse to not act, but you did.”
“You think I’m good?”
“Of course, you’re my daughter – but I think that what matters is that you think that you are good.”
Well, she doesn’t think so – the only thing she’s been good at recently is being a good student. She hasn’t been a good friend or a good sister, and she wonders if she is a good person at all. She supposes she’s not all that bad if she rescued Jackie’s stuff, as her mother said.
“I mean…I don’t think I am right now, but…I would like to be.”
And for the first time since an almost catastrophe happened, she feels optimistic.
She drives to New York with some mixing some gelt she got from her mom and some that she bought at the store, and promises she’ll be back for dinner. She tells her mom that if she can go grab whatever is left of Jackie’s stuff and drop it in her room. Especially the green couch she used to sleep on when she stayed there.
“Hey?”
“Hi, Gabi.”
“Shauna! It’s been a minute, how are you?”
“I’m…I’ve been better, but it doesn’t excuse how I treated any of you. I’m sorry. Do you have Maria’s address?”
“Yeah, I was there a couple of days ago. It’s this one. We should hang one of these days.”
“Let me just do my apologies first.”
“If Maria closes the door in your face, just let me know, I’ll handle it.”
She’s only driven to New York a couple of times — one of those times was with Jackie when they went to see Red Hot Chili Peppers at the Madison Square Garden without parental supervision but it was one of the happiest moments of Shauna’s life even if they got both grounded for 2 months. According to Gabi, Maria’s family owns an apartment in Brooklyn, and she’s starting to have second thoughts about this – maybe she should’ve called before to make sure they are here. Oh well. If they went out, then she’ll wait.
She knows it might not be easy, Maria does have her personality, and Shauna knows how angry a person can get when your best friend is wronged. After all, that is one of the reasons why she used to get red cards often when she played football and they attempted to hit Jackie from behind. It’s also one of the reasons why she dislikes herself so much, but that’s nobody’s problem but hers. She knocks on the door and part of her hopes no one is there.
The door is opened and she’s greeted by loud Spanish music and a surprised, familiar face.
“Shauna?”
“Um…hi Cassie.” Shit, she didn’t this far ahead. Shauna just waves the box full of chocolate coins “Uh. We eat these at Hannukah. I thought I would…share.”
“Oh, thank you. Do you want to come in? Maria’s out running some errands for her family, Maria’s cousins are coming so it’s a huge celebration. They got me here watching the pernil, but it’s not done yet, my bad.”
“Um. Thank you, but I can’t eat it.”
“Oh, right!” Cassie exclaims “My bad! Well, we got some Christmas cookies then.”
Honestly, Shauna’s stomach is jumping, but it would be unpolite “Yeah, sure, thank you.” The house is warm – it is a loud version of hers, and you can tell they have a lot of pride in being Puerto Ricans. They have their flag everywhere “I am glad you’re here, I drove all the way here to see you.”
“How did you know I was here? I live in Manhattan.”
“Call it a hunch.” I know because I had a friend who has shitty parents and she’d spend her holidays in my house away from them “I just…I came here to say that…I haven’t been fair to any of you, especially you, and it was shitty to mention your mom like that, and I’m sorry. You and the girls are the only ones who treated me like a person and not just a girl who survived a plane crash at a very vulnerable time emotionally and…I am very grateful, believe it or not, and I should’ve controlled my emotions better. I…I would like to start over, but I wouldn’t blame you if you don’t want to.”
“Aw, Shauna. We were talking about you last night, Maria said you could be a real bitch, but that made you fun to be with and we kind of missed you, and I agreed.” Cassie smiles sadly “And I do like you, even if you don’t like me.”
“I do like you, Cassie. I do.” Shauna insists “I…I fucked things up with someone I cared for, and sometimes you do shit that reminds me of her. It’s not your fault, but I do like you, and…you’re usually right on things when you call me out.”
“Well, yeah, obviously. I’m always right.” Cassie shrugs and smiles “No worries, Shauna, all is forgiven.”
“Oh…”
“I kind of forgave you a day later, I was just tired of your shit.” Cassie admits cheekily “I thought you’d come around faster, but better late than never.”
“Wow, that is…” She knows she should be better with her words, but the way she was forgiven so fast still makes her dizzy – she still holds grudges towards the girls in second grade who tried to bully them “That’s fast.”
“Well, you brought chocolate, it would be rude to just eat the chocolate and kick you, especially with those cute puppy eyes of yours.” Cassie takes a bite off the gelt “This is delicious, who made this?”
“My mom.”
“Your mom…wow, my compliments then. As I was saying, I can tell you mean it, because you sound genuine, it’s like when you talk about your writing, so apology accepted.”
Shauna promises to not make her regret her decision, and it takes her time to accept, but she eventually accepts Cassie’s hug. It’s the first time they’ve ever hugged. Even though it is interrupted when Maria walks in it is more embarrassing than she’d like to admit. Cassie wears a lovely perfume that stays on Shauna’s mind even when she leaves. Maria is more surprised by Shauna being here that she must’ve forgotten to beat her up, but that Gabi called and convinced her to give Shauna another chance. It all ended well. She almost stayed for dinner, but she promised her mom she would be there, and she didn’t want to risk it.
“You have to come here another day, Shauna! You need to meet my parents now that you’re no longer shitty!”
“I promise! I’ll have to introduce you both to my mom as well one of these days! Do you know where a Gamestop is? I have to buy something for my annoying brother, I fought with him too.”
“Jesus, Shauna! Have you picked a fight with everyone on earth? Drive two blocks down.”
She ends up getting a copy of Pokemon Silver for her brother’s newest Gameboy, She doesn’t know much about it, but it’s the biggest hit. She hopes he isn’t old for it. If not, she can always return it. It took her longer than expected to get back home because everyone decided to go home at the same time as Shauna, but it didn’t bother her, oddly enough, she felt a weight off her shoulders. She greets Zeke by sitting next to him and watching him play some game on the PlayStation that she doesn’t know, but he says it’s called Final Fantasy Seven or something. Shauna says that is cool, and that she’s sorry for reacting like that. He says he’s sorry for bringing that topic up and trying to one-up her, and that they picked the rest of Jackie’s things, especially that green couch, Shauna thanks him.
“I resolved everything with my friends.”
“I’m happy for you! I spoke with your friend, the rockstar.”
“Natalie?”
“Yeah, Natalie. She’s a very nice girl, asked me how you were doing. Did you know she got her High School diploma and is in college too? I was very happy for her.”
“I didn’t know that, that’s good.” If someone on this earth managed to convince Natalie to finish her High School education, that would be Jackie. She shallows the jealousy in her throat that inevitably comes with Nat and Jackie growing together instead of ruining each other “Did she say if something happened to her?”
“No, but I did talk to her when she arrived from work, she’s…figuring herself out.” Her mother smiles “Just like you.”
Oddly enough, that makes her happy, maybe, just maybe one day their paths would meet again.
But for now, she’ll have to face the 00s with a barely pierced-together version of herself, without Jackie.
It’ll have to do.