Work Text:
I’m not at home right now, probably too busy working with archeology and stuff, but leave a message and I’ll return to you as soon as I can.
Beep.
“Hi… Honey. It’s me. I know I’m not actually the one who calls, I’m more like showing up at your door without a warning, but that was just not possible today. Don’t worry, everything’s ok, this is not an emergency. Or maybe it is. Not yet, at least. Anyway, am I rambling? Sorry about that. It’s just… I still don’t know how to do this. Didn’t know how to say it the last time I saw you, won’t know how to say it now. But that’s still going to happen for you – this meeting, I mean –, and before you start your “spoilers” speech, let me just say: there’s moments in life that we shouldn’t care about knowing too much or keeping it quiet. This is my moment. I don’t have time for caring anymore. I just want you to remember these exact words, and keep in mind that I mean every single one of them: Your Doctor’s leaving. I liked it when you called this version of me like that, made me feel important. But I’m holding on, don’t you dare to be worried about me right now. It’s time to let go anyway, can’t be sad about it every single time, right? But this time was special. Really special. Thank you for making this journey special. I wouldn’t have last that much without you, we both know that. Really, always falling over things, breaking the Tardis piece by piece… she misses you, by the way! Oh God, these were wild years. Thank you for being patient with this old husband of yours. And I’m so, so sorry. For all the pain I’ve cause you. Since the day you were born and I couldn’t do anything to save you. I failed with you and was not able to find you as a kid, take you away from the Silence and just say: everything’s fine, Melody, you’re going to be fine. No, not just fine, amazing. I’m sorry for all the years you lost in Stormcage because of me, for all the mental torture, the brainwash… It was all my fault, and since the beginning you forgave me. My entire lifetime could not thank you enough for this. I don’t have much time left, so yeah, that’s pretty much it. I was hoping to hear your voice one last time with these ears – awkward – but that’s alright. I’ll see you again, I know I will. Well, at least he will. Hope you get along. I owned you a proper goodbye, and we both know I’m really bad at it – even worse than piloting the Tardis, seriously, you were so much better at that, hard to admit, but it's true. I’m afraid I have to go now. I know you’re a very bad girl and always will be, but for God’s sake, take care of yourself. You don’t have to do that job for me anymore, so focus on you. Even though the version you married with is leaving, both hearts will still be the same. And they will, always and completely, beat for you. See you around, Professor River Song. I’ll miss you, dear.”
River always blamed herself for not being there that night. There, with him, waiting for his last moments, holding his hand because she knew more than anyone how much that hurt. Or there, at home sooner, picking up the phone, just to communicate with him for a couple of minutes. He didn’t like endings, she knew that, but she deserved some saying in that goodbye. Damn all the work she had to do that night, nothing would compensate not being able to be there for him when he needed her.
Changing everything you are it’s not easy. It’s scary; it’s like dying and coming back to life at the same time. If you can’t be there in the darkest time in your husband’s life, what is even the point? What kind of marriage is that? Everyone thinks that traveling in time and space is pure wonder and beauty. It is not. There’s the dark side of it. Time is pretty cruel when you decide to mess up with it. Another funny thing about time is that it doesn’t give you much, but it does give you the benefit of the doubt. The what if feeling. “Rule 408: Time is not the boss of you”, she kept saying to herself, but sometimes you can’t beat it. Unless this was one of those rare situations she was wrong. How things were going to be from now on? She didn’t know. Will she be able to see the version she married again? The clumsy, mad man who thought bowties were cool? If she could ask anything for the universe, she would ask for more. More time, more days, more something with him, even though infinite was not long enough.
Her finger was about to hit the voicemail again, for the fourth time, when she heard it. That wheezing, groaning noise that could make her eyes shine every single time. That sound that brought hope everywhere. And right now, she could really use a little of hope. That sound of brakes on. Oh, God, how happy she was that he left the brakes on in that moment. The bright, deep blue Tardis began to materialize in front of her, and suddenly all the worry, fear and pain disappear for one second.
It could have been hours in her head, but seconds later the door was open and she hold her breath. There he was, new clothes, new haircut, new body, new face.
“Hey.”
New voice.
“Hello.” She somehow managed to say something after a while.
He observed that new sight of her, waiting for the “sweetie” part that never came. Hiding the disappointment, without saying anything else he made space for her to pass beside him and enter the Tardis. His eyes were on her during all this time, silently burning, as if he had the need to take in her image all over again with a fresh pair of eyes. She was exactly as he remembered her since the last time, everyday, because there was not a day he didn’t think about her.
“You changed it. It's different.” She said, looking around, feeling home for the first time in forever as her fingers brushed over the Tardi's console.
“What do you think?” His eyes not leaving her for one second, he wasn't sure of even listen what he was saying.
She continued pretending she was too busy exploring the Tardis to give him full attention. “I’m not sure I liked it. I miss the shades of orange. It’s pretty dark blue inside here now.”
“Things can change and get darker but that doesn’t mean they’re not the same.”
“But you actually did a good job he-“
“I’m not talking about the Tardis, River.”
She looked at him properly for the first time since he got there. Not to his face, or anything visible outside; she looked into his eyes. Different, older, sad eyes she knew so well because they were the windows of his soul. Taking the guts to get closer, she finally touched him, cupping his face with both hands. She took her time to absorve what she could from that new version, learn whatever she could in the first contact. Feel his skin, his hair, his scent. Reflect about the new way he moves, smile and, most importantly, looks at her.
"Hello." He tried again, when suddenly full recognition hit her.
"Hello sweetie." She finally said it, smirking like he hasn't changed at all. He could almost believe that. “Your eyes… You're older than I've ever seen you.”
There was a barrier in their connection as he closed his eyes slowly, as if that was too much to handle. As if he had heard that before. He tried to ignore the screaming, stupid echo in his mind. "Your eyes! You're younger than I've ever seen you.”
It took a few seconds for abandon his thoughts to look at her once again. She was close, closer than he could remember, but still hesitating. "Don't think about the past, or the future, or whatever this is. Just don't do it", the Doctor said to himself. "This is about now."
River was still quiet, analyzing the new person in front of her. He decided to say something when realized she wasn't going to.
“Is it too much? Because I can just leav-”
“No! No, no, no!” She interrupted abruptly, desperate to explain. “I’m sorry, I just… I’ve met other versions of you, I’ve told you that. But always certainly I’d see that version of you again. I know it’s stupid...”
“No, it’s not stupid. Would you like time to-”
“Don’t offer me time, Doctor, because that’s the only thing in the whole universe you can’t give me.” She cut him off once again, her hands running to her own hair in frustration, deep down feeling bad for being rude, but not being able to swallow her feelings anymore. She had spent a life time doing that already. “I just heard your message.”
“Oh. I didn’t know it would be so soon for you yet.”
She was taking a few steps back to have a better look at him, and the loss of personal contact made his hearts ache a little more.
“It is. Wasn’t expecting that. I didn’t mean to be this messed up. Sorry.”
“You’re as beautiful as always. Don’t apologize.”
She smiled at him, truly and sincerely. In more than 2000 years in all the time and space he had never seen most beautiful thing than her smile at him. And for the next hours – or days, or weeks, who was counting anyway? – they just sat there, at the stairs, talking about everything and nothing. Was she having fun being an archeologist Professor? How her students were like? Had he been attending to the Fish People’s annual parties?
The Doctor told her about his electric guitar and she was so exciting she made him promise they would break into one of The Beatles concerts so he could play with them. One another opportunity, of course, because that night was all about them. River also discovered about the new sonic sunglasses, not knowing if she should laugh about it or smack that new face for becoming such a cool nerd. He told her about that one time one Dalek begged for mercy, and she took the chance to say she had already heard it before. And about Missy! River was really, really looking forward to meet with Missy sometime. The Doctor was not much excited about it.
They had a lot of catch up to do and, fortunately, time was generous to them. River laughed about his adventures and the Tardis would light up in these often moments because her daughter was at home. For once, time seemed to have stopped for them to enjoy each other once again, and after a long time there was happiness inside there.
“… So I said yes! You’re looking to an official archeologist soon to be in expedition. I’m leaving tomorrow.”
He smiled at her, proud of what she became. She was so worthy it. Every trace of happiness, every smile, the whole success in the world; she deserved it. Between broken pieces she constructed herself all over again since she was a little girl, and to be where she was in that moment hasn’t been easy, but she made it.
“Well, I’m very happy for you, Professor Song. Still can’t understand why you choose this career above all, though. BUT, before you interrupt me, I won’t be saying anything bad about it. Not tonight.”
They were in each other arms, one of his hands playing with her curly hair, the other one holding her own fingers. They didn’t use to have a lot of this back then. It was mostly running, shooting and explosions. She could get used to this new quiet, peaceful scenario. If she closed her eyes, it was almost like he had never left in the first place.
“Yes, you better. Don’t feel like arguing with you tonight.”
“Wow. River Song, is that really you?”
She laughed lightly, looking up with her head in his shoulder, and just stared at him. Didn’t say a word, but they could understand each other in their silence. In her mind, she was saying that yes, that was her, a calm and relaxed side of her that she discovered with him, and that he never failed in showing her how many things she could be, especially if he’s around.
And he get all of that.
“Where are you going anyway?” He asked, his nose lost in her hair because, oh God, he missed that scent so much.
“That’s the big part, you’re not ready for this. Oh my God, you’re going to be so jealous. I’m going to a planet sized library! How amazing is that?! It contains every book ever written and-“
She stopped talking once she realized his hands had fallen from her body and he possibly wasn’t breathing anymore. River looked at his face looking for answers but there’s was only a blank, dead stare that froze her spine for one moment.
“Sweetie? What’s wrong?”
He seemed to wake up after that caring, loving word left her mouth once more. His shaky hands were pulling his own hair in frustration as he tried to recompose himself. All they just had right now on the Tardis could almost make him believe that that was going to be a new begging for them, full of new adventures, monsters, picnics in the free time, dinner at other planets. But time is cruel, and theirs was coming to end.
The Doctor cleared his throat and got up in his feet putting all the strength he had for not to fall in his knees. River looked at him, worry all over her face.
“We should be somewhere else.” He said without looking at her directly, the still shaking hands all over the Tardis console.
“I’m not going anywhere if you don’t tell me what’s wrong!” She was on her feet as well, sick of not being able to spend more than a day with him without the crisis, or the emotional hell.
“YES YOU ARE! I’m not sure you know already but this version doesn’t give a damn about what other people wants!”
“I couldn’t care less about your new personality. Where are we going and why are you freaking out? Talk to me!”
Suddenly they stopped. Brakes off. It was almost as he wanted it not to make any noise.
“You said I couldn’t offer you time because I couldn’t give you that.” He looked at her directly again and all she could see was pain in his eyes. “Do you remember the rule 408?”
“Time is not the boss of you.”
“Exactly. I’m giving you time, River. Trust me.”
“I’m not sure I understand… Where are we?”
He walked to her, his hands all over her hair in such tenderness that she could cry over the love she was feeling coming from him.
“We’re at Darillium. There’s this guy alone outside, fighting with his own thoughts trying to decide if he should pick you up to be with him or not. I guess if you just showed up here it would be easier for him.”
“And who is that?” She asked softly.
“Your husband. Go talk to him. He’s wearing a white bowtie and a ridiculous hat. But I guess that’s the charm.” He tried to smile, but it looked more like an expression of torture.
"You're my husband."
He stared at her, founding so amazing she could love him unconditionally like that, every single part of him, every single version of him. It doesn't matter to her if he was wearing a bowtie, or suit with converse, or a black jacket, or even being all rock 'n roll playing electric guitar now and then. For her, he was one. Entirely her. No one could see him as one person and only one person indeed more than she could.
"I'm a version of the one you married. And right now, he needs you. More than I do. You need him more than you need me as well."
Slowly, she brought his face to herself and pecked his lips in such delicate way that made both of his hearts skip a beat. It wasn't rough and desperate as he was used to in the past. That was new, and different, and he was happy to believe it was a different effect he discovered in her. But he let her go, as sweetly as he could, because unfortunately they didn't have all the time in the world.
“I don’t know what you’re doing or why you’re doing this, but I’m grateful for that.” She whispered in his ear, hugging him with all she got. They didn't hug often, but that felt nice, good and right. That version of him was definitely not a hugging person, but for her he didn't complain about anything.
She gave uncertain steps away from him, stopping at the door to give one last look. He nodded, giving his approval.
“Thank you, sweetie.”
“Anytime. And don’t worry, you’ll be fine.”
So she left. Probably forever, once again. Because when it comes to them, he was never sure if it was their first time or their last time, the beginning or the end. All he could do was hope.
River found him. Her Doctor. Handsome as ever. Sad as ever. Watching the Singing Towers by himself.
“Hello, sweetie.”
They looked at each other once again and it was pretty clear to the universe itself that they were made for each other. He didn't seem surprised at all to see her there, but the smile he gave to her, even if it was a sad one, that was worth everything, every pain she has ever been through.
“I thought if I didn't show up to pick you up for this date, you wouldn't be here at all. And everything would be different. Guess I was wrong.”
“Leaving my husband alone in this beautiful place all suit up? What kind of wife do you think I am?”
He turned around to stare at her in such devotion as he could drown himself into her and die in peace. Drowning into River, that seemed a pretty accurate thing. And so he did. She looked around, admiring the place, enchanted with the Towers and the music, but there was only one thing in the room that he could pay attention to and that was her.
“I want you to keep that.” He said after a while, giving her what seemed to be another version of his sonic screwdriver.
She raised an eyebrow.
“I thought you didn’t give your screwdriver to anyone.”
“You’re not anyone.”
And that was it. That was their extra time. She wasn’t stupid; she knew she was coming closer to her end. But what was death anyway? She wasn’t scared of it at all. She had a lot of lives but she gave up all of them to save him, the love of her life, from herself. And that was something she would never regret. If that meant she would have to die for good eventually, it was a pretty good way of dying. For God’s sake, she would give him the only life that remained with her if he asked!
And he cried. Man, he cried like a little kid listen to the Singing Towers beside of her. She would only curl up in his embrace more, kiss away his tears and whisper that whatever happened, she was his. “I’m all yours, sweetie.” She meant that, then and now. And nor the time or space could change the facts. She was, always and completely, his. And in that magic moment he told her how much he loved her, how proud he was of her. When it came next to goodbye, he kissed her like never before, tasting their own tears in such pain and agony of accepting a future that can’t be changed.
So she memorized his taste, his face, his scent, the exact frequency of his smile, the way he closed his eyes when he laughed like a little kid and how he would be embarrassed of being clumsy in front of her. She memorized all of him, because that was what she wanted to have in mind when the time comes for her to close her eyes to her uncertain, mysterious path: him. Just him. All of him. Knowing that her life was worth it. Because of him.