Chapter Text
To the person who sees fit to steal my bento lunch sets
(human-flesh-substitute with sides of rice and sashimi):
Would thou politely take responsibility for thy actions and refrain from stealing other DG members’ property?
We art not honorless thieves, and we art most certainly not children.
Thou may either refund me for the cost of 864 yen or return my bento at thy earliest convenience.
Thou art free to do so anonymously.
– Hannya
Dear Soy-Flesh With Rice And Sashimi,
I have your precious obento. It is safe… for now.
Put fifteen-hundred (1,500) yen on its former spot in the fridge or you’ll never see it undigested again.
To the bento thief it may concern:
This is most unprofessional of thee. Return what thou hast stolen from me. Normally I’m reluctant to bother our leadership for anything, but if this continues, I will not hesitate to bring them into this.
Besides, I’ve taken an oath not to eat real human flesh, so don’t even bother to suggest that if that was on your mind.
– Hannya
Dear Soy-Flesh With Rice And Sashimi
For every half-hour you continue to refuse my demands, I take another bite out of your lunch. Please take this seriously. We are supposed to be vigilantes with codes of honor, after all.
Dear Bento Thief:
Why art thou doing this???
- Hannya
Tick, tock, Soy-Flesh.
TICK.
TOCK.
To the Bento Thief in our midst:
This is Cross. Return Hannya’s bento box and we won’t investigate this matter further.
Buy me pizza with everything on it. Extra onions.
No.
By the way…I’m not even gonna eat any of what’s left. I’m just going to chew it up and spit it out back into the tray.
How does that make you feel?
Pardon my uncouth language, but thou art potentially the lowest scum I’d ever exchanged words with.
Oh my dear Vegetarian-Flesh, there are far more lower scum than what you accuse me of being. The flaws of Mankind and similarly intelligent life can’t be judged on such a simple spectrum as that. Open your eyes. You lash out at such pettiness, yet turn a blind eye to the illegitimate nature of our organization, let alone the hideous nature of the world at large. There is a hunger, dear sweet Human Flesh Substitute with Sides Of Rice & Sashimi, a hunger that is spreading from the deepest, darkest pits of this hellish criminal chasm. This sandwich is the birth cry of a new era. When the revolution finally comes, stuck up vagrants like yourself will be the first to be devoured.
The deed is done. Weep for the world you once knew, and for the lunch you could’ve eaten yourself had you simply caved into my simple requests. For both are just crumbs upon the sill of despair, soon to be swept away by the righteous gusts of Change.
This is Cross, again.
Magus. Doc checked the safehouse’s printer queue, and was surprised to have traced the requests of the “lunch thief” back to your phone rather than that of Catfood, the one usually inclined to on-site food theft. Report to DOOG as soon as possible for disciplinary action, please and thank you.
I’m sorry please don’t let her kill me.