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“Something’s up with Black,” Sean said, “Ever since the fire.”
“Yeah,” Gram agreed, “It’s like he’s got amnesia or something. He keeps acting like he doesn’t remember basic shit.”
“Less like amnesia and more like a whole personality transplant,” Yok chimed in.
“Like he’s been replaced by some sort of spineless clone of himself with no convictions,” Sean agreed.
“Or an evil twin,” Yok laughed. “Wait, no, Black would have to be the evil one in that case, right?”
Sean laughed, too, but then he got to thinking. A secret twin would explain why Black was acting like an entirely different person. It wasn’t just confusion, or missing memories. “You might actually be on to something, Yok.”
“It was a joke. You don’t seriously think Black has a secret twin? That’s too crazy, even for Black.”
“We all agree that something is up with him,” Sean pointed out.
“A secret twin is ridiculous, though. I think it’s amnesia,” Gram argued.
“Why wouldn’t he just tell us if he had amnesia?” Sean asked. Secretly, he agreed that a twin might be a bridge too far. Maybe it was just amnesia, but that didn't fully add up, either. He thought back to Black's actions at the fire. And the way he had been acting so timid. Maybe that was just a reaction to losing a lot of memory and being confused.
“You know Black. He only tells us what he wants. Besides, maybe he forgot he can trust us,” Gram said.
“Whether he’s lying to us or there’s some twin imposter in our group, he’s a liability. We can’t trust him if he won’t trust us,” Sean pushed on.
“Fair logic,” Yok agreed.
“What? No, it's not. He’s Black. We can’t just freeze him out. Besides, if he’s got amnesia, it would mean he’s hurt. We can’t blame him for getting hurt.”
“I’m not trusting my life to someone who is acting this suspicious,” Sean insisted. “I’m going to get to the bottom of this. Are you going to help me or not?”
“I’ll help you, if only to see you eat your words about a secret twin,” Gram laughed, then grew more serious, “Besides, it’s probably the only way we’re going to be able to help Black. If he’s not going to tell us what’s going on himself.”
They came up with a plan. Sean would stick close to Black’s side, looking for differences and trying to trip him up. Gram would dig into his family and see if they could find evidence of some secret brother. Yok claimed he had some mystery connection he was working on who might be able to help them out. He was being really dodgy about it. When they looped Gumpa in, he said he was checking the local hospitals to see if he could find any evidence of Black being admitted. If he did have amnesia, he probably would have seen a doctor about it. The funny thing was, Gumpa said it as if he was already looking into this without the group. But that would be ridiculous. He would have mentioned it to the group if he had the same suspicions.
–--
“What the fuck is up with you?” Sean demanded. Black was being weird again, and Sean thought he might give something up with some direct confrontation.
Black looked panicked at the question. Sean mentally added a point to the “secret twin” theory. Memories or not, he didn’t think Black had a panic instinct in his body.
“Fuck off! Nothing’s up.” Black half-shouted, failing to hide the worry completely under manufactured anger.
Sean had an evil idea. Black was going to fucking despise this when he came back or got his memory back or whatever. Plus, it could get Black to trust Sean more. Or think that Black (pre-whatever) would have thought Sean was someone he had trusted. He wasn’t sure if this Black knew about Eugene or not. Better to play it safe with timelines.
“You're being so weird. I mean you dump me and immediately start going out with some girl. And then what, like a week ago you confess that you’re still in love with me. And now you’re just acting like nothing happened. As if you weren’t just begging for me to get back together with you.”
Black took a step back from Sean, confusion clear on his face. “I…” he started, “I mean… uh… we…”
Sean made no effort to step in and save Black from the awkward silence. After a few long seconds Black seemed to shake off his confusion and pull himself together.
“Aren’t you being a little dramatic with that retelling?” He was practically rolling his eyes as he said it.
So he wasn’t going to deny it had happened. Yet another confirmation that this Black had no idea what had been going on for at least the last 6 months.
“Hmph,” Sean scoffed, “Why don’t you tell me how you remember it going, then?”
“Whatever,” Black shrugged, “it’s in the past and I got over it. Turns out I remembered what an asshole you can be.”
So, Black was going to play it this way, huh? Sean was a little disappointed he hadn’t tricked Black into playing love-struck until they figured out what the hell was up with him. Black would hate that when he returned, or returned to himself, or whatever. But then he thought about having to be the subject of that mock devotion and shuddered.
Sean let out a derisive laugh. “Good, asshole.”
He punctuated it with a shove that was more joking than confrontational. Black shouldn’t have even reacted, really, not enough force behind it. But somehow he lost his balance and started to fall. Sean scrambled to catch him before he could hit the floor.
All of a sudden, Sean’s face was barely a centimeter from Black’s. He could feel Black’s breath on his lips. Their eyes were locked together. Both of them were frozen still. Had Black’s eyelashes always been that full? He would have noticed right? There’s no way he wouldn’t have clocked a detail that… beautiful, right? Must not be Black. Couldn’t be Black.
Sean dropped Black and tried to step back. But Black frantically grabbed at him in an attempt not to fall. They ended up in an awkward embrace with Black’s face pressed to Sean’s neck, and his arms wrapped too tightly around Sean’s waist.
What seemed like an eternity later, Black jumped back, cheeks flushing with embarrassment. Sean had to catch his breath. He hadn’t been able to breath with Black squeezing him so tight. No other reason. Sean felt his own cheeks flushing. That didn’t mean anything, though.
“What? Did you get so mesmerized by my beauty you lost your balance?” Sean gibed, not giving Black a chance to notice his dishevelment.
Black growled in response. Ok, that sounded like Black. Point for amnesia? Sean studied Black’s face, trying to pick out any more differences. Was Black’s skin this smooth? Were his lips that full? Was Black pretty?
Whether or not this was an imposter, Sean hadn’t immediately noticed the change in Black. Not til he opened his mouth. So if the person in front of him was this pretty, Black must be, too. But that would mean that Sean must be fucking oblivious. Had he never looked at Black before? What the fuck? This was too weird. Black wasn’t cute or lovely or any of the words popping into his head right now. That’s impossible. Sean must be losing his mind.
It’s like when you repeat a word too many times and it stops making sense. He had just stared at Black’s face too long and forgotten how to process it. It was a trick that his mind was calling it beautiful.
Sean shook his head, and pulled himself back to his goal: let whoever this was reveal things about what they thought was going on. If this was a twin, they had to working with Black, right? What was Black’s game sending this doppelgänger in to the gang? What was he plotting?
But this twin or whatever didn’t seem to have easy access to Black. Or else he wouldn’t be acting so lost and clueless half the time. Where was Black? Jet-setting to some other country where he didn’t have good lines of communication? Sean decided to press this Black imposter, trying to see if he could glean any truth from the lies.
“I think you owe me at least some explanation after being so hot and cold with me. What happened in the last couple weeks to change things?”
He left it open enough to make this Black play his hand, but specific enough he couldn’t just hand wave his way out of the question.
“I owe you jack-shit,” this Black spat. Ugh, he may or may not be the real Black, but he had the annoyingly stubborn bit down.
---
“He definitely doesn’t remember anything from the last six months. I made up an outrageous lie to test him, and he didn’t call me on it.”
“Six months. That’s a lot of memory to lose if it’s amnesia. Is that how it usually works? I thought it would just be more recent stuff.” Gram mused.
“You’re missing the more important question,” Yok cut in, “What’s this outrageous lie?”
Sean groaned. He hadn’t really thought ahead this far when he said it. Yok was never going to let him live it down if he admitted he had lied about dating Black. He could just lie again now. But what if other Black started asking around about his relationship? Did he need to let the others in on it to corroborate his story? Probably.
“I told him…” Sean let out a sigh before forcing himself to continue. He let out the rest of his words quickly, all in one breath. “I told him that he and I had dated and he dumped me for Eugene, but then he just tried to get back together with me a week ago.”
Yok immediately started cracking up, while Gram just looked dumbstruck. Gumpa nodded along as if this were just a perfectly normal step in the plan.
“Black’s going to love that,” Yok choked out between laughs when he finally recovered enough to put his words together.
“Why would you tell him that? Do you like Black?” Gram asked.
Sean let out an involuntary retching sound. “Of course not. I was just messing with him, because he’s obviously messing with us somehow.”
Hearing that, Gram looked… relieved? Before Sean had too much time to process that, Gumpa distracted him with his own question. “Are there any details we should know to back up your story?”
“I didn’t say much. I figured I should keep the timeline on his relationship with Eugene as close to the truth as I know, in case he talks to her. So I just claimed that we dated before he got together with Eugene and then he came crawling back saying he was in love with me after their relationship ended.”
Gumpa nodded along. “Did he play along and act in love with you? Can you use that to get more information out of him?”
“No. We’ve been so antagonistic with each other since he showed up, he’s just keeping that up. He called me an asshole and told me he had gotten over me.”
“You should try to seduce him into giving up his secrets,” Yok said. “I can even give you some tips.”
“I’m sure you could,” Sean rolled his eyes.
“It’s not a bad idea,” Gumpa said.
“It is!” Gram exclaimed. Everyone looked over to him, surprised at his passion. If anyone should be objecting to the idea of Sean seducing Black, it should be Sean himself. Gram quickly tried to justify his outcry. “Come on, Sean’s not that good of an actor. Do you really think he could convince Black - or not Black, whoever it is - that’s he’s into him? He’s going to blow our cover.”
“Hey,” Sean snapped, “I’m a fine actor. I talked our way out of trouble with the school security guards just last month. You’re the one who panicked and couldn’t come up with a single excuse.”
“Then we’re in agreement, you should act like you want to get back together in order to gain Black’s trust.”
Shit. Sean had been so eager to defend his own honor he had forgotten what he was arguing for. He didn’t want to act all lovey-dovey with Black.
---
“You can’t avoid me forever. We’re staying in the same room.” Sean insisted.
“I’m not avoiding you,” Black lied. Ever since Sean had told him they were exes, he got up and left the room any time he and Sean ended up alone together. It seemed like Sean only saw him when he was waking up from a nightmare cradled in Black's arms.
“Bullshit,” Sean said, shaking off the memory of Black's firm hand on his shoulder and his warm body pulling Sean back to reality.
“Don’t you..” he hesitated. His tone wasn’t harsh and confrontational anymore. He seemed genuinely curious about something.
Sean softened his own voice and urged Black to ask the question. “Go on.”
“Don’t you feel uncomfortable having your ex stay in your room?”
Sean blinked. That wasn’t the question he was expecting. He paused a second, trying to imagine a reasonable answer. How would he feel if he really had dated Black? Black seemed to take the silence as a sign to keep talking. “I mean, I’m not trying to hurt you by being here. I can leave if you want me to. I’ll tell Gumpa it’s my fault, and he can still train me without me living here.”
More points towards secret twin. Black wasn’t a considerate person, and Sean didn’t think amnesia fundamentally altered your personality. Sean steeled himself to follow through with the plan, but for the first time since he realized this wasn’t the old Black, he wondered if what he was doing was right. If this really was a secret twin, trying to figure him out was one thing. Messing with his emotions and trying to pressure him into a fake relationship was a whole different level.
“I don’t want you to go. I actually wanted to talk to you about us. I want to get back together. I know you just got defensive and claimed your feelings changed, but I know you. I know you were lying.” The words tasted bitter in Sean’s mouth. He felt guilty at his own lies. He tried to distract himself by focusing on the task at hand. He needed to look convincing. He needed to make Black believe he was in love. He tried to make his gaze go soft.
Black stared back at him, eyes widened in surprise. Sean could see emotions flickering across Black’s face, micro-expressions changing up too quickly for Sean to get a real read on any one of them. As silent seconds passed, Black’s stare only became more intense. Sean felt the need to hold his breath. He became as still and quiet as he could, as if he were prey who had just locked eyes with a predator. Hoping he would go unnoticed, knowing he was already doomed.
The silence stretched out between them. Sean didn’t know how long. He did know that Black was getting closer to him, never breaking eye contact. He didn’t know much else, his brain was all static. Then Black’s hand was on his face and the static was louder and hotter. He was acutely aware of the soft touch as Black cupped his cheek. He was only vaguely aware the rest of the world existed. Finally Black spoke.
“I’m sorry. I can’t.”
Black rubbed his thumb against Sean’s cheek, and then he let his hand fall. The air felt too cold against Sean’s face as he processed what Black had just said. This was all fake. Sean was just fucking with Black. This shouldn’t feel like a real rejection. He shouldn’t be blinking back tears. He turned away. He couldn’t hold that hypnotizing gaze for another second.
“Whatever. It was a bad idea anyway,” he tried to shrug off the sting that he shouldn’t be feeling, and figure out how to salvage this. He still needed to find out what was going on with this Black. He forced himself to make eye contact again. “Don’t go. I’ll back off or whatever. Don’t leave.”
Black nodded, seemingly more to himself than to Sean. “I’ll stay, for now. But I’m serious that if you’re not ok with me being here, I can leave.”
---
“He’s not Black.” Sean was absolutely convinced. Because he wasn’t acting like Black, so logically he wasn’t him. This wasn’t at all about Sean desperately not wanting to feel what he had felt about Black. Because that was nothing. Good acting. He had just gotten swept up in a role.
“How can you be so sure?” Gram asked.
“You’ve seen him. He’s so different. He considers other people’s feelings.”
“Oh?” Yok raised an eyebrow, “what feelings is he considering?”
“Shut up, Yok,” he turned his attention back to Gram, trying not to blush, “Black was never considerate. You’ve noticed the differences, too. He’s not Black.”
Gumpa cut in, “Have you noticed any other differences besides personality? Anything physical?”
Sean fought not to look flustered as he recalled his thoughts about Black’s eyelashes, and skin, and lips.
“What do you mean?”
“Like, his hands, for instance.”
“His hands?” Sean wasn’t following.
“His callouses. Have they changed?”
“How should I know? It’s not like I was going around touching Black’s hands before all of this. What am I supposed to notice?”
“Are you saying you are going around touching his hands, now?” Yok asked.
Sean thought back to the feel of Black’s hand on his cheek. His skin had been smooth. Surely, Gumpa was right and Black would have had callouses. Sean didn’t want to explain to anyone how he knew exactly how soft Black’s hands were now. Luckily Gumpa saved him from having to answer.
“Pay attention to the details Sean. They might reveal more than you think,” Gumpa instructed as if he knew something the rest of them didn’t. “What about you, Gram, have you found out anything about his family?”
“What we already knew. His mom’s a judge. I think his parents divorced when he was young, but she seems to have wiped out every public record of their marriage. Rich people and their connections,” he rolled his eyes.
“My connection might be able to help get sealed information.” Yok kept going on and on about this connection, but wouldn’t tell them anything else. That didn’t stop them from pressing him for information.
“So your connection’s in government?” Gram asked. Yok just shrugged.
“Another judge?” Sean asked.
“Getting colder,” Yok teased, before not-so-subtly redirecting the conversation. “What about you, Gumpa? Any luck with the hospitals?”
“Nothing so far, but I’ve only really gotten to check in our neighborhood.”
---
The early morning sunlight was making Black’s skin glow. Sean wanted to reach out and touch it. He started to, but then let his hand drop. He wasn’t sure if Black was really asleep. He asked in a whisper.
“Are you asleep?” Sean asked, waving his hand in front of Black's face. “Faking?” Sean leaned over his face and blew on his eyelids. They didn't flutter.
He reached out and touched Black's face. He pinched his lips; Black didn't stir. Definitely dead asleep. This was just observation, paying attention to the details, like Gumpa had said. Black was wearing a red tank top, leaving his arms exposed. Sean let his fingers trail down Black's arm to his tattoo. He rested his fingers against the black bars, trying to feel whether the tattoo was fully healed. Could this be fresh? Were the bars the right size? He slowly traced them as if that would help him remember the original Black's tattoos. Sean let his fingers trace all the way down to Black's hands. They were definitely too smooth for the life Black lived. Sean was tempted to lace his fingers through Black's. He shook the thought out of his head. That wouldn't help him; it wouldn't just be observing the details.
He let himself just look at Black's face for a few more moments before dragging himself out of bed and over to Black's bag. He dug through the pockets. He had school books and pens, nothing much of interest. Sean took out a few notebooks and flipped through them just in case there was something incriminating on their pages. Nothing but immaculate notes. Was Black's handwriting always that neat? Sean couldn't say, he had never felt compelled to pay attention to any of the details with Black. But he wanted to drink in all the details of this person, who he was more and more certain couldn't be Black.
He dug into a smaller front pocket of the bag. He found a glasses case; he opened to see a pair of round wire-framed glasses. Ok, he may not pay attention to the details with Black, but he was absolutely certain he had never seen Black wearing these. He looked at the sleeping face across the room and held the glasses up. Suddenly, he wanted to see Black in them. He wanted to know what this Black's style was when he wasn't pretending. He smiled to himself imagining it, then scolded himself for getting distracted. He resumed his search.
–--
“I know who Black’s father is,” Yok announced smugly. “Adul Pothiyakorn, a Thai ambassador to Russia.”
“No wonder there’s no trace of him in this country,” Gram remarked.
“An ambassador? Damn I knew Black came from privilege, but that’s another level.”
They all started digging through any article they could find mentioning the ambassador. He had more of a paper trail than his ex wife, but that was hardly saying anything. Sean was ready to give up when Gram called them over.
“I think this is something. He was asked about his family and he said he had one son. That busts your twin theory, right?”
“Did he say the name of his son? Maybe he was talking about the twin.”
“And just erasing Black’s existence? Disowning him? I know Black didn’t really have a good relationship with his father, but he wouldn’t go that far. Right?”
“You never know. More upstanding kids than Black have been disowned by their parents. Heck, I wouldn’t be surprised if his mom started saying she didn’t have any kids given their current relationship.”
“Sean, this is getting more far fetched by the minute,” Yok said. “First, a secret twin, and now we’re unlocking some tragic backstory about both his parents disowning him. It’s like you’re trying to write the plot of some drama.”
“Just keep reading. Does the article mention the son’s name?” Yok and Sean read over Grams shoulder as he quickly scrolled through the article.
Adul said a lot of bullshit about protecting the privacy of his family and not wanting to reveal too many details. The article moved on, discussing Thai-Russian relations. Black’s dad delivered a lot of empty patriotism and lies about the civil rights records of both countries. It seemed like the personal questions were just a way to break the ice and open up the interview. But then, in the very last paragraph, the interviewer added another personal question, asking Adul whether he was choosing to raise his son in Russia or Thailand. He answered that his son was here in Russia, but not because of any shortcomings of his homeland. Just because he thought it was valuable for his son to remain close to him as a strong role model.
“Was Black raised in Russia?” Sean asked.
“No,” Gram said, “we would know if he was.”
“Would we? I have to admit I know jack-shit about Black’s life before college.” Yok said.
“We would. I’m sure he’s mentioned something about growing up in Thailand.”
“Wait, doesn’t he have that one friend?” Yok asked, snapping his fingers and waving his hand at Gram. “You know the one he stayed with right after moving out of his mom’s place? Weren’t they supposedly childhood friends or whatever?”
“Oh yeah, you’re right. That rich bastard. Todd.” Gram agreed.
“So that means he grew up here. The son this ambassador is talking about isn’t Black,” Sean insisted. This was the first concrete evidence that Black could have a sibling. Sean was elated at having proof that the person he was sharing a bed with every night wasn’t the same person who had left him behind at the school when they were supposed to have each other’s back. The person he felt so drawn to wasn’t the asshole he was always fighting.
“Don’t jump to conclusions. He would have been, what, 14, when this article was published. He could have come back to Thailand at any time and met Todd. I think that the ambassador saying he only has one son still points to this being amnesia, not a twin.”
---
This Black wasn't Black. The evidence had been slowly building up. Sean wasn't sure the exact tipping point. The Black they had known hadn't grown up in Russia; he couldn't have. Sean didn't care what Gram and Yok said. And Black was raised by his mother not his father. And he was an asshole. And Sean was not attracted to him. And all of that added up to the Black he had been spending every night with not being Black. Which he was more than happy with, because just like the evidence he wasn't Black became harder and harder to ignore, Sean's feelings had become harder and harder to ignore.
And so he came up with a plan. Well, less a plan, and more a speech. A trust fall and then a speech. And then, well, Sean didn't think that far. He just knew what he had to say. He followed his plan to a tee. He fell, Black caught him. He told Black, what he had just realized for himself, that Black had given him another reason to live. Somewhere between the ruining of his plans and the lying, this Black's intelligence, and kindness, and optimism had given Sean a type of hope he hadn't had since his father had died.
Sean reached out sliding his hand into Black’s soft hair, resting his thumb against Black’s cheek. He closed the space between them and softly kissed Black’s forehead. Black looked up at him wide-eyed and searching. Sean leaned in slowly to close the space between their lips. Just before their lips met, Black lay his hand on Sean’s chest.
“Stop, Sean.” Sean stopped, but he didn’t move back. Black didn’t remove his hand from Sean’s chest either.
With just millimeters between their lips, Sean whispered back. “Why?”
“Because…” Black’s eyes were so close. They searched Sean’s face as if he was going to give Black the answer. Sean obliged.
“Because you’re not Black,” Sean supplied.
This time Black did move away. He took a step back, removing his hand from Sean’s chest. Sean’s hand dropped from Black’s head. Black looked hurt. Fuck. He was too impulsive. It wasn’t supposed to go like this.
“You knew?”
“Yeah, you're not that subtle.”
“Then why are you trying to…? You love him. Not me.”
Sean laughed. He couldn’t help it. It was just such a ridiculous thought. It didn’t help. In fact, Black just seemed more hurt.
“No offense, but your brother’s an ass.”
“But you dated him. Were you just messing with him?”
“That was a lie. I knew you were faking, but I didn’t know you yet. I just thought you might trust me more if you thought we were involved.”
“So you and Black…”
“Reluctant allies, at best.”
“And you and me?”
The question hung in the air. Sean took it as an invitation to close the gap between them again. He took a step forward. Black did not step back. He moved his hand back to Black's face, tracing the spot where a dimple would appear if Black were smiling. A dimple he had only ever seen on this Black’s face, never the real Black.
“I like you.” Sean wished he had something more poetic or romantic to say. But he had used up all of his flowery words; he was just left with the simple truth.
“Just me?”
“Just you.”
Black leaned in and this time it was Sean who stopped him.
“Wait,” he said, “what’s your name?”
“White,” White answered.
“White,” Sean repeated, savoring the sound of his name. “White,” he said again, half laughing, feeling giddy. White leaned in and swallowed his laugh.