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"Hey, you need to rest, Suletta. You can come with us next time."
"Ah, not now Suletta. Go rest before your next duel."
"You looked stressed, Suletta. You don't have to go, we got this."
All these excuses made Suletta feel something she hasn't felt in a long time, being useless. Suletta understands that she'd done a lot for the Earth House already, she wants to contribute more but her friends aren't having it, and mostly. She doesn't feel like she belongs anymore other than being useless.
They make her feel at home, welcomed, yes, but they don't know about the fear that eats Suletta from the inside. Hundreds of insecurities, worries and fear that she holds deep in her heart. Not even her bride knows, no. She doesn't want her bride to know.
She doesn't want her to worry, she doesn't want to bother anyone, but she's tired of trying to stay strong for too long. She wants to stand up, speak for herself, tell her friends she feels useless and worst of all, left out. She talks to her friends, replies to them, but she seems out of place. She doesn't belong.
I never belonged.
Suletta's just a transferee from a place unbeknownst to her friends, they don't even know what her home planet looks like. But why should they know? All in all, Suletta's tired. Nika had been checking up on her because she noticed that Suletta's mood always changes.
Her anxiety in class doesn't help, she knows the answer, never raises her hands. Suletta's too shy, no, too afraid that her classmates would laugh at her for being wrong. She had that experience before, never would she raise her hand voluntarily. Suletta hates her stutters, her fear every time an intimidating student or teacher is in front of her.
I am always wrong and will be, no one takes my side.
Suletta's pressured on her next duels, the constant fear gnawing at her from the inside. The fact that the title of the groom or the Holder, per se, can be stripped away from her at a single loss, she loves Miorine. She does, she's not even sure if it's a romantic or friendly way.
Suletta doesn't tell Miorine about her problems, of course. So she goes to her mother instead. Her mother's words had always been soothing, she'd listen to her voice over the call and listen to her words carefully. She'd tear up sometimes either venting, or ranting to her mother. Her mother never seemed bothered at all though, shows to say how much her mother cares about her.
No one listens to me.
Suletta these days has been trying her best, for the Earth House and for Miorine, but it's all for naught, all her efforts had been wasted. Every time she does something meaningful, someone just has to ruin it and take her spot. Now they get the credit, not her, who put all the effort she could muster into doing it. But of course, no one will listen.
I'm done, I give up.
She's been thinking of taking her own life recently, she wants to go back to Mercury, or the small child she was back then when everything was peaceful and calm, and no one had tried to wrong her, nor badmouth her. But now it's all different, Suletta feels out of place, overwhelmed, stressed, and left out. She feels burnt not just from school but from interacting with her friends in general, she wants to talk to them but she can't, no, she doesn't want to.
She never told Miorine, her best friend. The Miorine that told her she'd always listen to whatever Suletta said, (Of course, she was grateful for that.) But these days Miorine has been busy with Gund-ARM business. Sparing no time for her, and who was Suletta to bother her? Everyone's busy, everyone but Suletta. She's been constantly telling herself to take a break, to detach from reality for a while, but she can't, she values her friends too much. She values them more than herself, God, she's becoming even more quiet these days. They ask her why, but Suletta would never respond.
I'm sorry