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Being in a somewhat successful group with a successful life at such a young age too, he couldn't be more happy! But sometimes he sees himself wondering: his happiness is genuine or is it just a byproduct of having to pretend so many times?
No. He is happy. He truly is.
After all he achieved, his dreams above all, it just feels wrong to be feeling down even if he knows it is simply in human nature.
And is not that he is in that stage in life where he starts realizing he never really had dreams, and all the money he has actually means nothing but numbers on his bank account.
He still has dreams, there's still so much he wants to achieve but sometimes it all just feels… too empty.
If he was to put everything on a piece of paper, more than half of it would be number-related: first place on Billboard; million seller; his no-date-to-be-released-nor-discussed solo album to do well and greet him with, at least, top 50 on the first day. Then do a concert at the biggest venue and have all the tickets sold out so fast that they open an extra date; and go touring in South America too, because they never set foot there, despite the fans asking for it everytime they go live. Having his own place (and a dog? Maybe a cat? He wasn't sure yet) would enter this list too because, well, to buy a house you need money, and money is number-related after all.
And then, there's this one item that makes his stomach jump in all directions in the worst way possible.
He chose this path. He knew what he was doing. And chasing the past would only bring problems to the future. And that would probably mark the end of all his other dreams.
Was it worth it, though? Keep chasing those numbers? Why should this be more important than his一
He shuts his eyes with force and starts rolling from one side to the other of his single bed.
He was happy. His dreams had come true. He was truly living his dream life. He loved to create music and he loved to perform. He loved his members and he loved his fans. If some sacrifice had to be made then… He should live with that… It’s been five years and, yeah, not everything can be perfect, right?
- - - - - - - - - - - -
“TMI? TMI?” Jeongin read out loud, stopping whatever the discussion Hyunjin and Jisung were having.
TMI? Well, saying yesterday he cried himself to sleep or that jerked off this morning thinking about the subject that made him cry would be a really good example of what TMI really should look like, but he couldn’t just blurt these things out and expect everyone to act normal after that. First, he had the image of a cool silly guy that was extremely sexy onstage (fan’s words, not his) to maintain; second, his friends would worry because “why did you cry?”, “you want to talk?”, and no, he didn’t, thank you very much!; and third, no one needs to know this, really. If he just said he changed his toothpaste from the blue brand to the orange one, they would be happy enough, even if it is just a piece of information. Who really cares about the “too much” part anyways?
“Ah! I know a Jisungie’s one!” Hyunjin seemed excited, his face in a mixture of i want to laugh and he’ll beat me up . “heh– should I– can I say this?” He looked over the camera to the manager, who was focused on her laptop. Jisung arched his brow in his direction.
What was he planning to say? Tell about the time he changed the brand of his toothpaste and it tasted like hell and he almost threw up because of it? It didn’t seem that ethical for an idol to badmouth a brand like that when you have thousands of people watching you online.
“Okay so, you guys know about that thing, right? Christmas blues or something like that. Well Jisungie always have his mid October一”
“Wah! True!” Jeongin slapped Hyunjin’s arms while laughing “He’s always listening to those depressing Christmas songs and一”
“Wait did you hear?” Both of them looked at him “Yesterday? No?” he laughed, impressed, covering his mouth “My TMI was that I listened to all Pororo Christmas songs yesterday! Not sad, but-”
“No way!” Hyunjin shouted, his eyes forming perfect circles.
Yeah! really “no way” because who in hell would listen to Pororo Christmas songs in October? But he had to save this because why the fuck would Hyunjin choose to say something like that?
“I had the shivers now” he rolled up his sleeve showing everything but a shivered arm to them.
“Han Jisung, I think our minds are truly connected!”
They gave hands and started half-screaming half-laughing about the (no) coincidence that just happened, making Jeongin suffer in between them!
“‘Date already’ ew no! You don’t care about my sanity Rubys?” Jeongin broke their hold and started badmouthing them, in a funny way, obviously, for the fans. Behind, Jisung and Hyunjin were professing their undying love and how they were meant to be with each other.
It was funny to do these things with Hyunjin: two dramatic beings that loved being the center of attention in school plays when their roles were simply the damn trees that had no lines nor importance for the story.
“Right, we have 15 minutes before the meeting starts” the manager said, next to the door “I’ll be right back, the others should be arriving soon, too. Feel free to do whatever in the meantime”.
She exits the room in a hurry. At the table, another staff member was collecting the tripod and cell phone. He was probably the one who would be cleaning the room after the meeting too.
“Was it true? The Pororo songs?”
“Kinda, I listened to one some days ago.” he lied “Just thought it would be funny.”
“You are truly a pro idol, Han Jisung!” Hyunjin gave him two thumbs up “Wanna go to the bathroom?”
“I’ll go”.
“I’m alright”, Jisung said at the same time, picking up his phone.
“Let’s go, then, Innie!”
One week break before the worst months of the year starts.
The plans were: firstly, the Halloween fanmeeting, with some spooky remixes they were already rehashing. They were silly but hopefully funny enough for the fans to enjoy. The problem laid on the months of November and December, with all the recording for the videos for the Christmas Special repackage album, with two new Christmassy-like songs. All the content recording so they would have something to be posted in the in-between, since they would be unable to do live streams because of more content recording for the day before Christmas release. On top of that, the learning and training for the new song they would promote plus all the remixes and new choreographies for the award ceremonies and special end-of-year stages.
They had some schedule in Japan too, some brand deals still needing the finishing details, and a magazine cover, to be released in January.
And this does not include all the solo content and collaborations they were put into.
Putting on a paper, it isn't that much to do in two months, but all of this were real energy drainers.
So, yes, he could use this one week break to…
He didn’t know what he would be doing. Probably sleep and watch all the anime and dramas he stopped because he didn’t had the time to truly appreciate them.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
He spent the weekend at his family house and came back to the dorms after because they all had work on Monday.
Surprisingly, some lyrics just wrote themselves on the first weekdays, and who was he to refuse free inspiration?
On Wednesday his life was all about sleeping, eating and watching something over YouTube, because he still felt like he wouldn't be appreciating enough the things he had settled to watch.
Thursday was the worst. He was okay having the depressing thoughts of "am I being selfish to being so frustrated about my life when everything is just the way I dreamt" in the middle of the night, but having them all the time? God, he wanted to throw his head at the wall and watch it explode.
At least, everyone would be back at the dorms by the end of the day, so Felix decided he wanted to be a backer for a day and asked Jisung for help (he would probably just watch what the other was doing, really).
"Are you recording?" Jisung asked at the kitchen entrance, seeing Felix holding the camera.
Felix looked and started gushing over him, "I think Rubys will be very happy to see you in this outfit." The said outfit being a pair of sweatpants and socked feet.
Minutes later he was in frame again, this time with a t-shirt on as well.
"You looked pretty earlier, Sung!" Felix said, measuring the flour "Rubys would be happy!"
"Shut up!" he slapped his arm, causing some extra flour to fall into the bowl "I had to shave too… Was planning on doing it just on Sunday."
"No-shaved vlog, then? That’s interesting "
Oh, that's that. The vlogs.
Well, shit, now he had exactly three days to think and record something different than all his vlogs, or else, the staff would be really mad at him for always giving the same content.
And so it was Friday.
He decided to do a walking type of video, buy some things and show his face on moments where there was no one around. Maybe (almost certainly) the staff would be disappointed at him again but what could he do? He was boring like that.
The thing is, those vlogs are to “convince” the fans they are close enough, doing simple things you would do with your friends, family or partner.
So yes, a walking video could be perfect for this, and personally, he loved when Minho and him just went on a walk around the neighborhood they used to live in.
He used to live.
He don’t know about Minho.
And maybe that’s why he decided to go there after five years. It was a pretty place too: traditional market; some traditional buildings mixed with large modern windows; alleyways with pretty graffiti. Rubys would probably like the view.
When the manager left him at the traditional market, he came to realize this wasn’t his best idea. His heart was beating so fast just by the thought of finding Minho.
But in theory, it was easy. Just take a walk, do some shots on pretty places, go to the market again, eat something and end the video.
Simple like that.
Maybe it is because he was alone, maybe things had changed a lot, or maybe he just never really paid close attention to those things around him when he was with Minho. People often said when they were together they forgot the world existed. He always thought they were just being dramatic, but now, walking through the streets he recognizes but doesn't know… Maybe he really paid too much attention to Minho.
And what was bothering him so much was that, even without Minho by his side, he was everything he could think about.
A new (?) plant shop. Minho liked tending plants and flowers. And then he was already 100 steps away, realizing he didn’t even paid attention to the colors of the buildings he just passed through.
And maybe he is so into his head that the staff at a cafe he doesn’t recall seems like Minho. He wants to stay on the other side of the road, wait for the guy to face him, but he is too afraid.
Maybe it is Minho.
Probably even.
And this was the worst idea he ever had for a vlog in his entire career.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
He never thanked himself so much for having a shoebox full of his old cell phones and for never cutting his old SIM Card in half and throwing it away.
He was glad he disabled the password of his old phone. And he was glad he never got rid of anything else on that device.
And when the download for everything that needed updating finished, Jisung was surprised to see the message app with hundreds of them. Luckly, the device was strong enough to not explode with so much information at once.
A lot were random numbers, asking if this was Han Jisung's number. The company had said something like this could happen, so that's why they were advised to change everything before debuting.
But then, after scrolling more than he thought he would need, was Minho. His profile picture was different. A photo of a cat. One he never met.
Beside his name, a number that made his heart clench.
2020년 10월 21일
minho [16:07]
i’m sorry for yesterday
unread messages (29)
its just
it was so sudden and yk
maybe not
but the date too…
i guess i still need some time but can we meet one more time?
to end things like proper human beings?
i know how this is important for you and i understand why it would be difficult if we were still together
i just feel bad for the way i acted
and i really don’t want to loose you like this
So please? can we meet one last time?
2020년 11월 23일
minho [18:36]
congrats on your debut, sung!
[Image attached]
you did great on your first stage
[sticker]
2021년 5월 2일
minho [19:52]
first win already??
waaaa as expected from jisungie and his group!
[sticker]
2021년 9월 14일
minho [00:04]
hi sungie
happy birthday!!
[sticker]
how’s the idol life? is it like it was in your dreams?
hope you are happy!!
just to… idk… i just want to tell you this
i started saving money to build a cafe… i’ll still have to make a loan but yeah
if everything goes the way im planning, next year ill be making my dreams come true too!
maybe you can visit it sometime?
doongie misses you
[Image attached]
i do too
29 unread messages. From five years ago.
The last thing he remembered was Minho saying sorry, before he muted the chat.
He could never block Minho.
He missed Minho so much too.
All the time he congratulated him despite how horrible he was…
And the last photo. A selfie, Minho and Doongie. His face was cut though, the focus was on the cat. Still, he could see how Minho seemed slimmer, tired… sad, even. Almost a year later everything happened.
He hates it.
He hates having never seen those messages, never having answered them.
He feels his cheeks getting wet.
2025년 10월 25일
Jisung [01:43]
Happy birthday hyung! I hope your dreams had become true too
He hopes Minho from four years ago isn't the same anymore. He hopes he's happy and healthy again. He hopes he is the person he saw at the cafe.
It was a surprise when the check appeared, signaling the message was sent.
It was a surprise when he saw the message was received too.
And when the status from Minho changed to online , he just threw the phone to the other side of the bed.
And he never cried that much on October 25 th as he is crying now.