Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

November 3rd 2012

The sun slowly dipped down behind bare trees and eventually below the white horizon. As the last rays disappeared, the winter chill started to become even more apparent, chilling you right through your thick winter coat. You shuddered as you let out an uneven breath, visibly floating in the misty air. You smiled as you remembered how you used to pretend you were a dragon as a child, chasing after your friends while breathing out forcefully. However, they're all gone now. Moving house wasn't easy on anyone, but least of all you. That town was the only home you'd ever known, and you were just expected to pack up and leave it in exchange for the city. Absurd.

You missed your friends terribly and even though the schools in the city were nicer, they lacked the familiarity you craved to cling onto. You'd try anything to grasp at the final years of childhood as they were slipping away from you. There was nothing you could do to slow down time, only stand and be carried into the future with every other stranger you passed on the street.

With that thought, you decided it was best to head inside and sleep on it, hoping to have a clearer head in the morning. "Noah!" You called out gently, waiting to hear the pattering of his little feet against the hardwood floor of the kitchen.

Not even ten seconds later, he comes racing into the room making motorbike noise while holding a small toy. "Yeeeaaaahhhhh," he dragged out with some hint of childish irritation in his voice, probably because you stopped him from playing. He pouted and threw his arms down, lightly stomping his right foot. "Don't give me that face, it's bedtime little mister," you warned him.

Truthfully, it was long past his bedtime and you were surprised he hadn't found a random spot in the house somewhere to slump down and fall asleep. He would typically run around until all his energy was spent, and then he would find anywhere but his bedroom to sleep, leaving you to find him and carry him to bed.

"Five more minutes, plleeaaaasse!" He begged, pronouncing his L's as W's and missing out the V. "I can't do that today buddy, you've already been up for long enough," you gave him an apologetic smile and held your hand out for him to give you the toy. Reluctantly, he dropped the plastic motorcycle in your hand and raced back up the carpeted stairs and into the bathroom.

You placed the toy into a clear, plastic box in the corner of the kitchen and made your way to follow him. You walked into the bathroom to find he had already successfully moved the stool so he could reach the sink and was now brushing his teeth as some toothpaste formed in the corners of his mouth.

"Lean over, don't want it getting on your clothes," you gently reminded him. He followed your instructions and bent his head over the sink. "Good, what pyjamas do you wanna wear?" You questioned, already knowing the answer before he even said it. "Bear!" His excited chant was muffled by the toothpaste but you could tell by the gleam in his eyes what he wanted.

"Okay I'll get them out for you," you wandered into his bedroom and took his animal pyjamas out of his drawers, patiently waiting for him to walk in with a goofy grin.

Just as expected, he bounded into the room and took the pyjamas from you, changing rapidly before going to stand in front of his mirror. Turning back to you with a pleased expression on his face, he clambered into bed and allowed you to tuck him in.

Watching him relax as the expression on his face became sleepy turned out to be one of your favourite things over the years. Looking after Noah while your mother and Aaron were out of the house was tiring but rewarding nonetheless. After some time had passed and his breathing slowed down, you brushed his hair away from his forehead and lightly pressed your lips to his skin, whispering a "Goodnight," before flicking the light off and softly shutting the door on your way out.

As you were walking towards your own room, you heard the front door shut heavily. Aaron. You sighed and waited for his inevitable interrogations to reach your ears. He drawled from downstairs, "Have you put Noah to bed? Did you tidy everything? When is mum getting back in?" You rolled your eyes at his questions. "Noah's asleep, his toys are away, as for mum I'm not sure," you called back to him.

"What do you mean?" He pressed urgently.

"What?" You furrowed your eyebrows, perplexed.

"Where's mum?" He demanded, slamming his fist against the dining table. "She said she went out for some food with someone from work," you knew she'd be out drinking again but you decided to push that detail aside to delay Aaron getting more irritated.

"Whatever," he shook his head and climbed the stairs, heading into his own room and slamming the door shut behind him. Asshole.

You followed suit, settling down for the night in your room in the attic. You tossed and turned for the better part of an hour before deciding to give up on sleep altogether. Your mind was too busy with ideas to allow you some peace in order to actually fall asleep.

You decided it would be best to focus your energy doing something to appease your myriad of thoughts and ideas that wouldn't stop popping into your head.

Throwing back the covers, you slipped out of bed and pulled a medium-sized notebook from inside of your bedside table. Writing was something you had always enjoyed, particularly in the form of song. It gave you the ability to express yourself and process what was happening in times that you felt there was nobody who'd understand. A pen and some paper was your greatest escape into a world where everything was good and right. Having this world written down in ink always felt more real and authentic, something you could physically hold onto.

You began to jot down phrases you were fond of, forming them into lines that became part of a verse. Occasionally scribbling chords in the margin, the page did not take long to fill up entirely. You had written a song. A song full of old wounds and gashes that you had never given enough attention to. Scars that never had the time to heal. Tough parts of the past bleeding in ink staring right at you from the filled page.

Now it's done, it's perfect. Trying to find a fitting ending for the collage of songs you were working on proved to be impossible, until that moment. It was a beautiful closing song for an album, maybe one day you'd actually be able to put it out. This thought excited you, even if everyone else told you it was unrealistic, you weren't going to stop. Giving up wasn't on your agenda that year.

You scanned the chords you had squeezed into the margin and went to sit at your piano, ghosting your fingertips over the keys as you hummed in an attempt to find a melody. It came easily to you, the melody playing itself, similarly to how the words had.

You started piecing things together and quickly found where you wanted the lyrics to go and where the instrumental gaps should be. Mumbling the words softly, you created this beautiful song that was stripped straight from your heart. The vulnerability you wanted to display, the honesty and openess that was lacking from your other work. Usually you'd prefer something more widely relatable, but this time you wanted to give a little piece of yourself to this song.

Rushing to grab your phone and record a voice memo, you blindly reached around behind you until you found it. In a haste, you hit record and began the song again. The purpose of this was mostly to perfect the timing and so you wouldn't forget what you had already pieced together, regretting it the next day.

You see all the flowers in the weeds

You're scared of the dark when you sleep

You cover up your arms with your sleeves

Even in hundred-degree heat

. . .

Aren't you way too busy

Taking care of everybody

To take care of yourself?

. . .

Oh, summer child

You don't have to act like all you feel is mild

You don't really love the sun, it drives you wild

You're lyin', summer child

As the final note reverberated off of the walls of your bedroom, a prideful smile settled across your face. You ended your recording and stared at the piano for a few thoughtful seconds. It was personal, it cut deep. It was such a relief to produce something so soul-bearing that it was almost teetering on the edge of being uncomfortable. Stepping out of your comfort zone was hard but refreshing and you definitely felt that it was worthwhile.

Unfortunately, this small wave of satisfaction was snatched away from you when Aaron swung the door open, rubbing his eyes with a grumpy expression on his face. Clearly you had woken him up, completely forgetting about anyone else being in the house. You looked back at your phone, mentally kicking yourself when you saw that it was nearly 4am.

"What the hell are you doing!?" He whispered frustratedly. You eyed him cautiously, wondering what response would be best in this situation. "An idea just popped into my head, I'll go to bed now, sorry," you mumbled with your head down, eyes trained on the floor while you prayed that he'd just walk away.

As always, that was just wishful thinking and he continued to question you in his petulance, "You know everyone's sleeping at this time, this is ridiculous! What if you'd have woken Noah up?" His voice remained low but angry nonetheless. "I forgot okay!? Just go back to bed and I'll put everything down," you tried to reason but Aaron wasn't having it.

"Quit the attitude, you're the one who woke me up!" He retorted, raising his voice ever so slightly. Having had enough, you just decided to agree with him before things got worse, "Fine, I've already apologised, please just go downstairs before Noah wakes up," you stated, a hint of finality in your voice as you stood up to approach him.

You intended to shut the door behind him on his way out, except he didn't budge. "No, you need to understand ___. You can't keep doing this all the time, it's so annoying. Just stop writing and stop singing! Nobody wants to hear it, especially not at 4 in the goddamn morning."

You pretended that this didn't hurt as much as it actually did, standing your ground and looking him in the eyes, "I'm not throwing my dreams away like you did," you snapped, hitting him right where it hurt. "I didn't give up," he jabbed a finger into your shoulder, "I matured and maybe you should too," he pulled at your last thread and that was when you unravelled.

Tears welled up in your eyes, cascading down your cheeks as you failed to stop them. You didn't want to cry in front of your brother but he had punctured your heart's deepest insecurities, and suddenly everything came flooding back.

You were sat in the living room on the sofa with your guitar propped in your lap. Tears were streaming down your face as every single one of your biggest fears materialised in front of you in the form of your older brother. "How could you say something like that?" You wondered aloud, searching his eyes for any kind of sign that you must've misheard him.

He shook his head pitifully, "I'm just trying to help you ___. It's about time someone told you how it is," he tried to justify his previous words. Every time he spoke, the cuts on your heart grew bigger and bled deeper.

You shook your head, placing your guitar down next to you before standing up and turning your whole body towards him. "You don't know that...I worked so hard on this," you sobbed.

"It just- it won't be worth it. What are the chances you'll even make it?" You walked closer to him, anger starting to bubble in your stomach. "It's not about that, I don't care about that! I'm doing what I love, can't you just be happy for me for once!?" You yelled right in his face, knuckles white from being clenched too tightly for too long. Unknowingly, you had been digging your nails into your palms. You released your fists as small indents appeared where your nails had been.

"It isn't realistic! Goddammit ___ you're not gonna make a living off of this. Get a real part-time job and study," he finally spoke his mind, what he was actually thinking.

"So that's what you really think huh?" Your anger died down as the sorrow replaced it yet again, "You don't think I'm good enough? I should just what- give up?" Your voice wavered noticeably, the final words causing you to choke up.

"You know what? Yes you should. This is ridiculous, childish even," and with that, all of your dreams for the future were crushed. Squashed like a fly on the wall, pathetic and meaningless. "I'm not going to stand here and watch you cry and try to make me feel bad. Sometimes you have to move the fuck on. News flash: nobody gives a shit about you!" He didn't even look like he regretted his words and that's what hurt the most. Not even a slight change in his facial expression to indicate that he took it back, no change in demeanor to show he was sorry. Nothing.

"They will listen...and then they will see, and- and-" he cut you off, "No they fucking won't! Listen to me ___. They aren't going to care about who you are or what you're doing," he pointed out of the window as if this proved his point. His words echoed throughout your mind, poisoning your perspective on the world, diminishing your optimism. You were speechless. That was the final blow.

"Just have a backup plan and for God's sake make it sensible," he turned away from you and walked off as if he hadn't said anything at all. Like he hadn't just broken you down into a million pieces and left you shattered on the floor. Totally unbothered. Making you feel worthless and stupid apparently didn't phase him whatsoever.

You began to wonder if he was right and the temptation to smash your guitar to bits and pieces only grew more overwhelming by the second. Your self-doubt started to creep into your skin, settling in your head. It blinded you, suffocated you and told you things that weren't true. Every step you'd taken to get to where you are had just been erased.

It was all irrelevant if Aaron didn't approve. Your older brother, the only man you'd ever had to look up to your whole life. Nothing mattered if even he thought you were delusional. He was your everything, but you were no more than an inconvenience in his life. It just wasn't fair.

"I'm trying..." you whispered to no-one in particular, feeling your knees wobble beneath you. You knew you wouldn't be able to hold your own weight up for much longer, so you settled on the sofa curling in on yourself. Your strangled cries were muffled by the pillows, the rest of the house engulfed in silence. You fell asleep like that after many house of fidgeting in the cold, dark night. The exhaustion won you over and let you temporarily forget that your brother thought you were a failure. You only dreaded having to look him in the eyes in the morning.

"Get," you grabbed his wrist, shoving his hand away from you, "Out." He looked too tired to argue with you, much to your surprise. He always insists on having the last word. He slowly backed away, out of the way of the door, still holding a neutral expression on his face.

"You're pathetic," he spat, turning around and storming off to his room. There it is. If you thought you couldn't have been cut any deeper, you were wrong. Just like all the times before, his final statement was always the one that brought you to your capacity. You cried harder and slammed the door purely out of spite.

You curled into a ball on your double bed in the middle of the room, a position you found to be all too familiar over the last few months. Your tears stained the pillow below your head as you silently screamed into the fabric. You'd never been the most confident person, but you did have hope and a beautiful imagination.

Being creative and passionate about your art was always a priority and came very easily to you. Inspiration was infinite, it was everywhere. Even in the smallest things in the corners of rooms that nobody else really noticed. But when someone attacks that, resurfaces all of your deepest insecurities and shines a light on your greatest fears, that's when you withdraw. Motivation ceases to exist for a little while and all you can think about is the million different ways things can go wrong. 

A creak to your right pulled you out of your thoughts as you shot up. Turning to the door, you saw Noah stood in his pyjamas with a frown on his face. "Why's you crying?" He dragged his feet over to you, jumping up and trying to climb into your bed. He wriggled on and immediately sat in your lap, throwing his little arms around you.

You sniffled and let out a sad chuckle, patting his back as you hugged him back. "It's okay buddy, I just can't sleep," you assured him. He pulled back to look at your face, an uncertain look adorning his own. "I promise, wanna hear something I wrote?" You wiped away your tears and watched him instantly forget about anything else, "Yeeaahhh!" He clapped his hands excitedly, something you'd always adored.

"Okay sshhh, your brother is in bed," you reminded him. He nodded his head rapidly and gave his full attention to everything you were doing. He loved all kinds of music, being so young you doubted he could tell the difference between most of it, but you played the rough recording for him nonetheless. He always seemed excited to hear anything you had made, proud even. He just sat in awe, too innocent to understand the words and the feelings behind them.

He was just a ray of sunshine, your little beacon of hope.

Chapter Text

December 7th 2015

You paced the floor of your quiet getaway in Caliente, Nevada. You booked a small farmhouse for a little over a week through a private host and had your best friend Daniel tag along. Since you'd first met him at university, he quickly became your everything. You go everywhere together and don't miss a single event for each other. He was always your plus one and you'd never be able to thank him enough for standing by you through all of your worst times.

Your home lives were not dissimilar, probably the main reason for your inseparable nature: a mostly absent mother, self entitled siblings and no father figure.

With such little guidance other than that from your teachers, you were surprised you had made it so far in such a short space of time.

You were out in Caliente celebrating the upcoming nominations for the 58th annual Grammys which your first record is eligible for. Seeing the excitement in the media surrounding your first single, it was no surprise that there was even more coverage when the full album dropped.

Your biggest supporter was none other than Daniel, immediately rushing to the nearest Target to buy a CD to play in his car. He even joked that you should sign it for him, so you did and you added a little smiley face with its tongue sticking out underneath. The beam on his face then was nothing in comparison to how he was smiling at you now. 

"Apparently they're going with a press release this year," he noted, impatiently refreshing the screen on his phone.

"The nominees aren't going to be dropped in the next five minutes, put your phone down and relax with me," you joked, taking his phone from his hand and patting the space next to you.

You were currently sat on the front porch of the farmhouse, the sun's orange glow covering the land as far as your eyes could see. Daniel sat down next to you and admired the horizon, basking in the last hours of the day's warmth.

"Thanks for coming all the way out here with me," you told him. "You expected me not to drop everything for my soon-to-be-popstar best friend?" He mocked offence, pressing his hand over his heart and leaving his mouth hanging open. "Shut up! We don't know yet!" You nudged his arm and fidgeted with your fingers in your lap.

You had always dreamed of what it would be like to actually win an award for your work, to have people cheer and clap when they heard your name. It was a fantasy you never thought you'd get the opportunity to live in, but here you were just minutes away from finding out if it could come true. 

"I've always wanted to come here you know?" You voiced aloud for the millionth time that week. "You've been telling me for years; the city of roses Daniel! It's so beautiful Daniel! We need to go Daniel!" He mimicked, making his voice slightly higher in what he seemed to think was a great impersonation of you.

"That was dreadful, I don't sound like that," you rolled your eyes with affection, a hint of amusement creeping through your tone. "I don't know what you're talking about, that was basically a clone of you," he looked very proud of himself and you couldn't exactly tell whether or not he was being serious. If he isn't joking then he's tone deaf.

"You were right though," he paused to sigh in contentment, "It is gorgeous out here." It was true, everything was so tranquil and especially at this time. It was the least populated city in Nevada and in the evening when everyone had gone home it felt like this little oasis that only you knew the whereabouts of. It was the perfect getaway after some stressful few months.

"Can we go inside now? I'm freezing," Daniel whined, standing up and wrapping his cardigan around himself tighter. The last few wisps of sunlight were slowly disappearing behind the hills as the December winds caught up to you. You nodded your head in agreement, grabbing both of your phones before following him inside the farmhouse.

You tossed his phone onto the opposite end of the sofa as you sank into it, turning the TV on. "Ooooh can we watch Grey's Anatomy?" He pleaded, sneaking his hand towards the remote in the most painfully obvious way, "Just because you have a fat crush on Mark!" You teased, knowing he was going to ask you to watch it with him at some point. "Shut up, I can literally see you drooling over Addison!" He defended as if this made his obsession with Mark any better, "No comment," you shrugged, eyes gluing to the TV the second the episode began to play.

It was only ten minutes in that Daniel paused it to interrupt, "You're doing it again!" He pointed out, laughing his ass off as you turned to him with a perplexed look on your face. "What?" You hadn't heard him properly, too engrossed it what was going on in front of you, "Why'd you stop it? I wanna know if the baby makes it." You played back the episode in your head and that's when you realised that you hadn't been paying attention to anything else at all, you were staring again. Dammit.

"That doesn't count, it's just a girl crush," you reasoned as if it was that simple, "Whatever you say," he smirked and hit play again, knowing the feeling all too well. As the episode came to a close, you let out a big yawn and stretched your arms up above your head. You picked up your phone to see that it was hardly even nine o'clock. You were about to put it back down when something else caught your eye. A text from Noah. Curiously, you unlocked your phone and read through it, expecting to see something about how his day was at school. 

//

Noah

Aaaahhhh my sister's face is on every news article you scroll past ommggg!!

I'm so excited for you, hope you're having a good time with Danny (tell him I say hi)

You're so gonna win! Luv uuuuuu xx

You

Thank you buddy! Dan says hi back :)

Missing you little man xx

//

You giggled fondly at his excitement, the meaning behind the message not having hit you yet. You're so gonna win? Wait-

You threw your phone across the room, clapping your hands over your mouth in pure astonishment. Daniel stood up immediately, grabbing your shoulders with a concerned expression taking over his face, "What happened!?" You could only point at his phone and direct him to Google with your hands. You were afraid that if you spoke you would start crying.

He refreshed the page and there you were, just like your brother had said. Almost all of the news updates were about you, more specifically about your upcoming attendance to the Grammys.

"Holy shit! You got nominated!" He practically screamed. It was fortunate that you were in such a desolate place because Daniel was yelling loud enough to warrant a noise complaint. His hands shook as he found the article detailing the artists nominated in each category. "We have to see what you're up for, this is actually insane!" He scrolled down, more thrilled than you'd ever seen him in his entire life.

You were still frozen in shock, almost forgetting how to breathe. I was nominated. Holy fuck I was nominated! The dark clouds that had loomed over your head for the last few months had finally cleared. Your doubts and anxieties were all washed away and your skies were blue once again.

Finally finding your voice, you spoke for the first time, cutting Daniel's ranting off as the tension in the air grew thicker, "Do you have any idea how many records get pushed aside during the voting process? I fucking made it through...I made it through!" The tears started to fall and you felt maybe you were getting ahead of yourself, but this was the best day of your life so far. You jumped on Daniel, wrapping around him tightly like your life depended on it.

"I'm so fucking proud of you right now," he put you down on the floor in the least graceful way possible and quickly found your name under some highly anticipated categories.

"Okay, okay, okay! So..." He made serious eye-contact with you, the etches of the widest smile already starting to form at the corners of his mouth, "Just spit it out already!" You shoved his shoulder playfully. He put his hands up in defence and began to read off the nominees, "Kendrick Lamar, Ed Sheeran, Taylor Swift, Kelly Clarkson...these are some big names ___," he was stalling on purpose and you knew it. The adrenaline high had already built itself up in the pit of your stomach and you just couldn't wait any longer.

"That's great but I really don't care right now, tell me what I'm up for! You're such a jerk sometimes." He stared at you in silence again, wiggling his eyebrows in a way that could only be described as disturbing. "Stop doing that!" You giggled, "Give me the damn phone," you reached out but he pulled it out of your reach, stopping you from moving any further with his other hand on your face.

"Seriously!?" You huffed, searching the floor for your own phone that you had so carelessly discarded earlier. "Fine I'm sorry! Best new artist, record of the year, song of the year and best pop solo performance!" He rattled off, getting progressively louder as he named each category. "That's huge!" You yelled back, shocked at making it into so many major categories with so many incredible artists.

This was almost like a form of healing within itself; the recognition that you're family never gave you was being presented to you by millions of people around the world who you didn't even know. It was surreal.

"My best friend is famous!" Daniel teased, waving his phone around triumphantly, "Shut up! You're actually the worst, you know I hate that word!" You scolded playfully, rolling your eyes at his antics. Nevertheless, you smiled fondly at him as he gushed over your achievements.

Most of what he was saying went in one ear and out of the other, your senses completely overcome with disbelief, shock and, above all, pride.

You had your fairy tale life you'd been dreaming of since you could talk, global recognition for all of your diligence, the job you'd been chasing after for several years and, most importantly, someone by your side who understood you. The most supportive soul you had ever come across. One that would go to the ends of the earth for you and back. That's what you felt you were most thankful for, and you'd do the same for him a hundred times over.

You were soulmates in a way, but not lovers. You often wondered why the people around you were so obsessed with finding the perfect partner for them, you already had your person and there was no nagging feeling in the bottom of your heart for it to be anything more. Close and platonic opposite-sex relationships really need to be normalised.

Although you did develop a fleeting crush on Daniel in your early friendship, it was quickly replaced with simple joy and admiration for him after he found the courage to come out to you. You never did admit to similar confusions within yourself, something you still regret but don't have the courage to change.

Maybe it'll go away.

Daniel barged the front door open with his shoulder and stumbled into the kitchen to place two plastic bags onto the island. "Your delivery madam," he bowed and wobbled a little before standing straight back up to watch your facial expressions contort from curious to shocked to mischievous within seconds.

"How did you even get these? You're not 21," you enquired as you pulled a pack of ciders out from the bag only to find some more beneath that. "A magician never reveals his secrets!" He proclaimed with a twirl of his hand, "But really the store owner didn't ask for ID, probably just wanted the money." You shrugged at this information and opened the can closest to you anyway.

Daniel took another in turn and held it up to you, "Cheers?"

"Cheers!" You grinned and knocked your can into his. You both tilted your heads back and allowed for the liquid to gently blaze down your throat, left with an aftertaste you weren't quite used to. "This is gonna be awful isn't it?"

"Oh yeah absolutely." There was an awkward pause. Then, "Best night of your life though?"

"It better be," you took another sip and braced yourself for the evening ahead of you.

Before you knew it you found yourself cheering Daniel on in the living room as he danced atop the coffee table in the most unsyncronised way. The speakers in the house were rather large and very loud and, for a brief moment, you appreciated the fact that there were hardly any other homes around for miles. In this moment in time, you were free. You let yourself go, let yourself feel. Perhaps the alcohol aided in that but that didn't make it any less special.

The next song began to play and Daniel gasped. You were pulled back to your senses and looked into his eyes. You didn't need to know what song was playing, you knew that look in his eyes anywhere. "Do you remember the first week of university?"

"Are you kidding? I'd never forget!"

"We bumped into each other in the corridor and your phone fell out of your pocket..."

"And this song was playing in my earphones, yes!" You remembered it vividly. The first time you interacted with him. It's funny how music brought you here in the first place and now it's the reason for your whole career. We really have come full circle huh?

He held out his hand for you as gracefully as possible and you took it instantly. You stepped up onto the coffee table and took a deep breath as the first line began, ready to sing like your life depended on it. Daniel did the same and you giggled at his determination, knowing very well how off-key he is.

He is sensible and so incredible

And all my single friends are jealous 

He says everything I need to hear

And it's like I couldn't ask for anything better

You started off the first verse and held your hand to your heart, making ridiculous swooning expressions with all of the sarcasm you were gifted with at birth. Daniel attempted to sing the next bit, taking on the role of the gentlemen and offering his hand with a knowing smirk.

He opens up my door and I get into his car

And he says, "You look beautiful tonight"

And I feel perfectly fine

You took his hand and got ready to scream the chorus together, serotonin and your happiest memories flooding your head.

But I miss screamin' and fightin' and kissin' in the rain

And it's 2am and I'm cursin' your name

So in love that you act insane 

And that's the way I loved you 

Breakin' down and comin' undone 

It's a rollercoaster kind of rush 

And I never knew I could feel that much 

And that's the way I loved you 

Neither you nor Daniel were great dancers but it was fun nonetheless. It was your song. It meant everything.

You poured your heart and soul into every last word, particularly the bridge which Daniel let you solo. He loves your music and always jumps at the chance to hear you live right in front of him, even when you're just messing around. He joined back in for the final repetition of the chorus, pointing randomly and making hurt gestures as if an audience was before him.

"Give it up for the talented, the amazing, the spectacular ___!" He cheered, adding jazz hands. You shoved his shoulder playfully and stepped down onto the carpeted floor where it was far more stable. "You should pay me for that you know," you joked as you headed for the kitchen.

"Bring one back for me!" He yelled after your retreating figure.

"What do you think I'm doing?" You shook your head, picking up two more cans and heading back for the living room.

The night was only just beginning.

December 8th 2015

That was not a good idea.

It was 2 o'clock in the afternoon and you had only just opened your eyes for the first time. Bright. Way too bright.

Your head was being smashed in with a sledgehammer and your muscles were sore. Your lips were dry and your throat was parched and there was a good chance that it was sore and it'd hurt to swallow.

In your ears was a deafening ringing sound not unlike that of white noise. Perhaps more high pitched and headache-inducing. It made your world spin and your grasp on reality, somewhere away from the dream world, was weak. All sense of coordination had dissipated and you were left with what you imagine being a dizzy hamster on a very squeaky wheel would feel like.

You had a dwarf hamster when you were 14. He was very energetic and would climb on top of his wheel and cling to the bars on the lid of his cage, biting them so often that the grey coating had worn off and you could see the black metal beneath. You imagined Daniel would've loved him if they had the chance to meet. Why am I thinking about that?

Your mother cried for hours when he died. She loved that thing more than me. This felt rather ironic; not only were you the least favourite child, you didn't even top the family pet.

Of course she'd never admit this to anybody, but you knew. You were a smart kid, it was relatively easy to connect the dots. You were the only girl and your mother clearly favoured your brothers. You tried not to think about that too hard.

You pushed yourself up onto your elbows, arms shaking slightly under the pressure. Looking around, you deduced that you hadn't even made it to the bedroom. The cushions around you were misplaced and squashed, the entire sofa looked like a mess.

Overall, you thought that the cleaning job ahead of you looked rather manageable. At least with two people contributing to it that is, though you would definitely appreciate some painkillers and water right now.

Cracking your neck and lazily stretching your arms above your head, you decided to wake up Daniel.

Hastily attempting to straighten out cushions as well as your clothes proved more difficult than you had anticipated. Moving too quickly after being as still as a corpse for so long made you incredibly light-headed and unbalanced. You reached out a hand to steady yourself on the armrest and took a deep breath in, slowly releasing it out, feeling your chest move and your throat tickle. This forced a coughing fit out of you, scratching at the back of your throat and clawing at the walls of your chest. It rattled you and made the painkillers your first priority. Daniel could wait a minute.

You opened the fridge and pulled a bottle of water out, thankful for some relief from the desert that had overtaken your throat. You rummaged through some cupboards until you found painkillers and downed the rest of the bottle along with them.

Right, Daniel. You assumed he was in the master bedroom and slowly creaked the door ajar to find him on top of the bed in the same clothes from yesterday, only more crumpled. Reaching out a hand, you shook his leg a few times until he twitched and opened his eyes with a groan of disappointment. "___? What time is it?" His voice was raw and he was understandably grumpy.

"Around 2pm, I was hoping you'd freshen up and help me clean this place before we have to hand the keys back in?"

"Shit I forgot. When do they want us out?"

"Well I think we are already late so how about as soon as possible?"

"Sorry, yeah I'll get on it," he rolled over and sat up on the edge of the bed, staying there for a few seconds probably because he felt just as groggy as you.

Tidying the place went as smoothly as one could hope for 2 hungover and spiteful friends. Everything was back in its original place, though it was not as pristine as it was before, and any trash had been taken out. Once you had deemed it presentable, you handed the keys back in to the owners and thanked them a million times over.

"I gotta eat something before we get on that plane," you whined, suitcase trailing behind you convulsing with every bump on the dirt path. "I'm not eating airplane food."

"Agreed. What about something at the airport?"

"I can't wait that long I'm starving!" You looked at him, bewildered that he wasn't also hungry at this hour.

"Fine, where's the nearest fast food place? We can get a cab after."

Now you were both satisfied, you sat in comfortable silence in the back of the cab on the highway just 10 minutes away from your destination and you were starting to feel restless.

Going back to normal, or as far as normal went for you, life in New York was not something you were prepared for after the wonderful peacefulness of hardly seeing anyone at all. You sighed and supposed there was nothing you could do about it and tried not to fidget too much.

As always, Daniel noticed and raised his eyebrow at you. You shook your head with a small smile and that seemed to satisfy him for now. You could only count down the hours until you were back home.

The cab came to an abrupt stop in the drop-off section outside of the airport and when you stepped outside the December chill hit you once more. You dealt with the bags whilst Daniel dealt with the driver and thanked him. "You didn't have to do that." You stated but Daniel waved you off, "You paid for this entire trip, it feels like I'm using you." He chuckled and pocketed his wallet before taking his own luggage off of you.

"How much time until we have to board?"

"You need to relax your shoulders, we won't be late." He was right of course and so you took a deep breath in and gently let it out.

Only one mental breakdown later and you had successfully made it through security with shaky hands and watery eyes. Talking to people of authority was not your strong suit.

Daniel patted your back, "Hard bit done right?"

You sniffled and let out a wet chuckle, "I hate airport security."

And the rest was relatively smooth sailing. Or flying you supposed. The views were stunning as they usually were and you entertained yourself with a couple movies you downloaded on Netflix prior to the flight.

Landing was such a relief and you were too tired to even speak, the only coherent thoughts available were of home and bed.

Those wishes came true so agonisingly slowly but they came true nonetheless. As promised, you shot Daniel a text to say you got home safe and threw your phone on your bed, promptly following afterwards. You groaned into your pillows and turned your head sideways to stare at your suitcase and bags on the floor. I guess I should sort that out now.

Reluctantly, you stood up once more and began organising your things back into the places they were supposed to be and created the biggest laundry pile of your life. Just as you had finished and slipped into your pyjamas, your phone buzzed. You reached for it, expecting to be telling Daniel to sleep and get off of his phone for once.

You squinted at the bright light and found that you were mentioned in a tweet. A tweet from none other than Taylor Swift. You. Mentioned. In a tweet. From Taylor Swift.

What the fuck?

//

@taylorswift13

Good luck to all the nominees! I'm so grateful to be up for album of the year, none of this would be possible without you guys<33 @___ I'm super excited for you to be there especially, your first album is on repeat in my head x

//

You stopped. Shook your head. Reread the tweet. Reread it again. And again. Again.

What?

You'd been staring for so long that your screen had turned off and the plunge into darkness had jolted you awake. You were awestruck and rightfully so and her confidence in you sparked hope into your heart that maybe you could walk away with a Grammy. Something that used to be a mere daydream becoming more and more real by the second.

Too baffled to create a response, you liked her tweet just as so many others had already done and put your phone down for the night.

Only mere minutes ago you were exhausted and now you couldn't even shut your eyes. You stared at the ceiling, giddy and hopeful for the future, Taylor’s words drowning out the usual torment in the form of Aaron.

To anyone else it might've seemed like a small comment of encouragement. To you this meant the world and more.

Years of being under close scrutiny and harsh words that made you freeze in your tracks and tremble with fear all washed away in seconds, albeit momentarily. Sleep could wait, you finally had something to smile about now.

Chapter Text

February 15th 2016

"It has been two whole months and you are still not over that, you didn't even respond!" Daniel chastised for the hundredth time today. The day before the Grammys.

You had arrived in LA yesterday and you were still jetlagged and the anxiety building over you only made it worse. Tomorrow you would find out whether or not you had been favoured to win your first Grammy and possibly some more.

"I swear to God if you keep bugging me about that I will hit you with these ridiculously expensive shoes." You waved them in front of his face to make a point. Unfortunately you didn't have the pleasure of picking out your own outfit to attend the Grammys in so you'll likely be out of your comfort zone.

One thing you haven't mentioned to Daniel: you will be performing tomorrow. As much as he boasts that you two share everything, you can keep a secret if you really want to (with the added help of convincing him not to go on social media). This raised some suspicions but he relented and his shocked face will be oh so priceless.

That aside, your building nerves were not something you could ignore now. You paced up and down your room in simple but tasteful sparkly dress with a slit up one leg and a low cut back. Nothing that would make you stand out too much, that you were grateful for.

"I can't believe you're making me wear this, and heels Daniel? I might as well cut my feet off."

"Relax, you look stunning and you don't have to be stood up the whole time anyway," he reasoned which was fair enough you supposed. You sighed and went into the bathroom to change back into something comfortable while you wait for a few more agonising hours until you have to be ready to leave.

You couldn't even drink while you were there which sucked because you'd definitely need to take the edge off for your performance. Guess I'll just have to wait another 3 years.

You exited the bathroom, dress draped over the arm that also held your shoes. Daniel gave you a reassuring thumbs up and offered to take the items off of you. You silently thanked him and flopped onto the hotel bed face first. The soft sheets engulfed your senses and for a blissful few seconds you could pretend like your heart wasn't about to jump out of your throat and you were just here on vacation with your best friend.

Unfortunately, reality was a cruel thing and you were not spared from your torment for much longer. A wardrobe door shutting cut through the peacefulness and light footsteps made their way back to your bed.

"You know...I really think you'll win. Like, not a single doubt about it." You turned your head to look at him, swiping the hair out of your face. Your eyebrows furrowed slightly, "How can you be so confident?"

"I've seen what you do, I've seen the smiles in the crowd, hell I've been one of them. If anyone has any sense they'd pick you too." His smile was genuine and infectious, almost bashful.

"Don't go all soft on me it doesn't suit you," you teased, a smaller smile tugging at your lips but still one nonetheless.

He poked at your sides and you flinched with a little giggle, "Okay! Okay I'm sorry, thank you."

That seemed to satisfy him and he sat down next to you and pulled out his phone. You batted it out of his hands as it went tumbling onto the bed, "Not before the big night, remember?" You chastised with eyes too wide to be calm. It wasn't that it would be a huge deal if he found out, you'd just feel bad for lying to him and you really wanted him to have a good time.

"You are so insistent with that! You're lucky I love you bitch," and you really were. He didn't ever question your decisions or requests and backed you up without fail. "Wake me up in time will you?" You knew he would anyway but you liked to be sure.

He gave a short nod and left to his own room to busy himself while you wrapped yourself in sheets of white and tried not to think about the varying possibilities.

Your palms were sweating and your head was racing much faster than the casual conversation that echoed around you. Daniel was at your side conversing with celebrities of all kinds of status and notoriety with his expression akin to an excited puppy. His affinity for charming strangers and making them smile was not lost on you, and evidently it was effective here too despite the lack of familiarity.

His hand patting your shoulder startled you out of your trance, "Isn't that right?" The question was directed at you but the context of the conversation had progressed since you were last listening.

Exhaling a weak chuckle, you responded rather flatly, "Yeah, definitely." Daniel smiled and excused the both of you which you were eternally grateful for. You released a heavy sigh and took a sip of your water, closing your eyes to briefly relish in the ice cold stream that poured down your throat.

Daniel was staring at you with his head tilted to the side and a slight crease in his brow. "Are you nervous? You've been waiting for this night since forever," he reminded with an uneasy laugh.

The tension built up inside your body diffused slightly in the quieter space. Sure, sometimes you felt embarrassed to perform in front of a crowd but the suffocating anxiety had been left behind in your teenage years, so why was it back now?

"You're not normally this reserved, what's up?"

"Nothing, there's just a lot of important faces here I guess." It was vague and a blatant lie but he backed down and gave a reassuring smile nonetheless. You took another sip of your water and followed Daniel back to your seats, or so he thought.

Your performance is set to open the Grammys and trepidation clouded the air like a thick fog. You escaped the crowd inconspicuously and before you could blink, staff members were there to whisk you away to get ready. Your outfit was the most extravagant you'd ever worn before and you were not accustomed to this style of make-up and hair.

Despite this you felt a tinge of pride when you looked in the mirror and took a long, deep breath in. You made your way over to the stage and pushed your nervousness into the unkown depths of your mind.

Right now, this is for Daniel and for me.

The lights were off, the crowd a black abyss of silence. Sudden bursts of colour and an energetic beat signalled your entrance. With a quick shake of the head, you headed forwards, twirling in the bright lights to reveal your full attire. You could hardly hear the screams of the crowd over your own heartbeat, deafening and strong.

The only indication of excitement were wide eyes and smiles scattered throughout the sea of faces; some recognisable, some not. Previously a nobody, stepping into the light and offering a performance to those new and experienced alike.

Don't fuck up. The world is watching. Deep breath in...and out...

On the opening line you sang flawlessly and everyone's smile got a little wider, including yours. The choreography wasn't crazy, the dancers took care of that as you swayed between them all and walked across the stage with a twirl here and there. It was tasteful and fun as you eased into the routine you had been practicing tirelessly for weeks.

The responses from the crowd seemed increasingly positive as you came up to the front for the chorus and encouraged some singing along with your hands.

'Cause after midnight I'm feeling kinda freaky,

maybe it's the club lights

I kinda wanna kiss your girlfriend if you don't mind

I love a little drama, let's start a bar fight

That's when you saw her standing there, drink in hand and shouting the words at the top of her lungs. It took all of your willpower not to trip over the words and collapse.

From up here she's especially beautiful.

A brief connection of gazes and you were whisked away to mingle with the dancers once again. It seemed harder to finish the performance after that.

The second you were back into your original clothes and you were just another body in the crowd, the air had been knocked out of your lungs. Daniel was shaking your shoulders and asking a million questions that were no more than white noise.

"Please slow down!" You rested your hand on his wrist and knit your brows together.

"Sorry I'm just- I don't even know," he breathed out a laugh and shook his head. "I've seen you perform before but you looked alive up there." Your expression softened and you pulled him into a brief hug feeling your shoulders relax.

"Thank you for coming," you whispered earnestly even though you knew he would. "What do you take me for? C'mon." And the rest of the night ensued.

The performances were all entertaining at the least but your energy was running too low for your liking. It was an exquisite night but it had gone on too long. All you had on your mind now was Taylor and the award ceremony. Not that you expected to win, that was more of an afterthought.

She always exceeded the standards and put on a show that wouldn't be soon forgotten. Every move and note was ingrained into your mind and replaying without you even having to think about it. You were so lost in your daze that you had to be snapped back to reality by the roaring cheers of the room.

Right, the awards. Moment of the hour! Or whatever they say...

Staying positive is hard when so many doubts circle your mind and bury themselves into your soul. They feast upon your hopes and dreams until all that's left is a barren wasteland not even dust survives in. The air is thick with toxic fumes and fog that blurs the horizon, there's not even any wind to carry it away.

All noise is muffled except the insistent ringing in your ears. You could pass out any minute now.

"And the Grammy for best new artist goes to....!" If you were a dog your ears would have perked up. You looked around anxiously knowing full well a camera was on your face. You were up for this category after all.

Thump. Thump. Thump.

This rhythm in your ears was the only thing keeping you sane and grounded. The few seconds between the grand reveal stretched on for eternity and taunted you. The distance between yourself and the stage seemed further now and the lights burned whole lot brighter. If this is some kind of torture please end it!

Who you were praying to, you didn't quite know. A beat skips by. Then another.

"___!" No. No way.

"What?!" You turn to Daniel, disbelief written all over your face. Everyone is clapping and you're crying. When did you start crying? Why were you crying? You stood up cautiously and tried not to stumble on your way up the stairs.

The Grammy was heavier than you expected and the crowd was suddenly larger than you remembered. "Oh my goodness...hi! Everyone..." The crowd laughed at that, your trepidation must be painfully apparent.

"I did not plan for this at all ahah...uhm, thank you! To everyone who bought the album, streamed it, played it on the radio!" A choked sob, "I really never thought I would have the opportunity to be standing here so...really this is my honour." You lifted the award up higher and the clapping and cheering resumed.

You wiped your tears on your sleeves and waved with a teary smile on your face. Today was a dream. Unfortunately, you did not win any other category, but you were infinitely grateful to have received an award for your passionate work.

You were also ecstatic about Taylor's album of the year award and you couldn't think of anyone who deserved it more than she did. 1989 was so monumental and an immediate favourite of yours the moment it came out and it is clear that the world agrees.

The after party quickly took over most of the attendees, but you wanted nothing more than to go home at this hour. "You're kidding...declining this? Are you insane?" He badgered on.

"I appreciate your enthusiasm, I just need to lie down and not freak out for a bit." Which you thought was very much fair. Apparently, Daniel did not.

"Please please pleeaassee can we go?"

"You party animal," you sighed heavily, "No. Go by yourself if you'd like." You gave him a sickeningly sweet, very satire grin before locating the sea of bodies exiting.

"Without you? As if." He huffed in defeat.

You chuckled fondly and nudged him gently, "Cheer up, let's get outta here." You begin your journey forward into the congestion of superstars where the air is hot and chatter is abundant. Fingers circle your wrist delicately and you turn around to face Daniel.

That is definitely not Daniel... Striking blue eyes meet yours and red lips curve up into a paralysing smile. Your brain restarts itself and spurs back into motion the moment your name leaves her lips in greeting.

"___! I'm Taylor, I've been meaning to congratulate you all night. It's lovely to meet you," her earnest nature and silly introduction squeeze your heart immediately. God, let a girl breathe.

"Of course I know who you are..." you laugh breathlessly and shake her hand in complete awe. Even her presence is enough to draw attention from the room and encase you into this little bubble. She just shined the brightest.

"I was honestly so excited for you, album of the year again is absolutely incredible! I am a huge fan, I have your CDs and in my parent's house I used to have posters on the walls. You're my biggest aspiration actually." The words left your lips before you could process them and now you feel like a schoolgirl confessing to her crush with red cheeks and a sudden interest in the floor.

Except this was Taylor fucking Swift and you just fangirled in front of her like a loser.

"You're so cute! Thank you so much! I'm literally your biggest fan, I am so happy for you, the album is beautiful."

You cover your shy smile with your hand and forget how you fumbled in the first place. "You're performance by the way?! My jaw was on the floor you were stunning, it was amazing." You could not take all this gushing over you without imploding.

"Did you see yourself? Everyone was starstruck!" You laughed together and talked about your favourite parts of the night. You found that she was more down to earth than you could've possibly imagined and talking to her was like you'd known each other for years. Perhaps you just get good at it after doing this for so long.

"Aren't you coming to the party?" You had begun to veer off in a new direction upon reaching the exit without noticing the growing gap. "Oh! No ah, me and Dan are going back to our hotel."

"Of course, I didn't know you had brought a friend. You two have a good night!"

"You too, we'll get going now." You looked around for Daniel and...where was Daniel? You mentally kicked yourself for being so negligent and decided you'd apologise straight away.

"Hey, Taylor?" You called after her, "I'd like to continue this conversation if you don't mind." You extended your phone with the contacts open, a bold request by a newcomer but what did you have to lose?

"Of course! It was rude of me not to ask, here let me-" her fingers grazed over yours as she took your phone and typed her number in. They tingled long after that.

"Thanks, have a good time." You smiled genuinely and she returned it with ease. "I'll text you tomorrow, I promise!" And with that she was gone again. You face palmed and and hailed a taxi to save you from the redness dusting your face that was definitely because it was cold outside.