Archive of Our Own ^beta

[ ◉¯]

The crowd ruptures in a cheer and a frown creases in the space between Soobin’s eyebrows. He squints his eyes as one of the players jumps in the air. Heeseung, his shirt says, and Soobin lifts his camera and takes a shot of Heeseung’s wide-open mouth.

“I don’t understand why the photography club has to take photos of sweaty men running after a ball,” Soobin whispers to Beomgyu, who is sitting next to him and fidgeting with his flash. It’s been out of battery since this morning, but Beomgyu likes to make his life difficult because he doesn’t go to the store and purchase brand-new AA batteries. He keeps his pockets filled with half-full batteries with different sizes mixed up together, and occasionally unloads his flash and inserts one in, just for it not to work properly.

“You’re just jealous you don’t have arms like Kang Taehyun,” Beomgyu says, and Soobin wants to tell Beomgyu that sweaty men with big arms don’t really fascinate him that much, but then a player passes a ball and runs to the baseline so Soobin takes another quick shot.

“Does your boyfriend know about your crush on Kang Taehyun?”

“Kai has a bigger crush on him, thank you very much,” Beomgyu says, and he goes back to staring at Taehyun’s back dreamily. Soobin sighs, and he takes out his analog camera and snaps a few photos of the audience, because after a while his eyes get bored of all the running and jumping. Blue and red jerseys fill his eyes, and they will make a great contrast on the Fuji Velvia he has loaded on this camera.

“Yes! Kang Taehyun! Crush them SNU losers!” Beomgyu yells next to him, and Soobin puts his camera down and incessantly presses a finger to his lips, signaling Beomgyu to stay calm.

“Is your camera finally working?” Soobin says, and Beomgyu’s eyes are still glued to the court.

“Leave me alone, hyung.”

“This is why I don’t understand why the club sent us here. You don’t even work.”

“Live a little, grandpa! Enjoy men and arms!” Beomgyu yells as Kang Taehyun skirts around the mid-court line, his body covered in a shiny layer of sweat.

Soobin rolls his eyes, and he wants to tell Beomgyu that he doesn’t really care about either men or arms, again, until the crowd claps their hands as a group of cheerleaders enter the court.

“What’s happening?” Soobin asks.

“Quarter break… or something,” Beomgyu says, his forehead creases a little as Kang Taehyun disappears from view. “Do I look like I know basketball to you?”

“Totally,” Soobin nods, and he lifts up his film camera because it’s in his hand and points towards the cheerleading team. Finally something that isn’t sweaty men with big arms, and this has lifted Soobin’s mood tremendously. The girls’ uniforms are pretty, tennis skirts with blue details, jersey numbers printed on their backs. They get into position as smiles don bright on their faces.

Out of the corner of his camera, there is a boy, and Soobin sits up as he watches the boy move with elegance. His hair is the shade of burnt orange, sort of reminding Soobin of a tangerine, and Soobin takes a few photos as the stranger goes through his cheer routine.

When the boy turns around, Soobin takes a closer look at his face, before his finger unconsciously slams the shutter button. He knows he is going to waste his film, because Soobin can’t really zoom with this camera, but the stranger’s smokey eye makeup pulls Soobin right in, making his hand work faster than his brain.

“Who’s that?” Soobin whispers to Beomgyu as the boy spots their cameras, looking straight at them as he flips in the air. His hair is swept across his face, and his sweat glistens under the fluorescent lights of the gymnasium. Soobin switches to his digital camera so he can zoom in and shoot those smiles better. He likes how bright the stranger looks.

“Choi Yeonjun. Do you live under a rock?” Beomgyu says, as if this was the most obvious thing in the entire world.

“I have never heard of him,” Soobin says, and Yeonjun looks at him through his viewfinder, again. Soobin’s stomach rumbles. It must be because he only had an onigiri this morning.

“He's the president of the dance club. And he’s like, involved in a bunch of activities on campus,” Beomgyu says. “He’s really pretty, isn’t he?”

Soobin isn’t gay, but he can appreciate a beautiful man. He swallows and takes a few photos of Yeonjun, who is holding up a girl on his shoulder, eyes twinkling. In his viewfinder, Soobin can see Yeonjun winking and blowing a kiss, but he isn’t sure if it was directed toward Soobin’s camera or the rest of the crowd.

“Indeed. He is very pretty,” Soobin says, and snaps three final shots, before his eyes get all dazed by Beomgyu’s flash that is finally deciding to work.

[ ◉¯]

There are a few rules when it comes to photography. Or at least in Soobin’s book.

The first one is obvious: always get the camera ready. Check if the film is rolled properly, and if there are any buttons that are stuck, in case the camera chosen has been through many winters. Before taking a shot, check the weather beforehand. If it is too sunny, increase the aperture. If it is too cloudy, increase the shutter speed. And if it is too snowy, Soobin might as well cancel the shot, or else his expired film could get brittle.

The second rule is also as obvious: be observant. Beautiful moments are fickle, and if Soobin fidgets, they will slip right through the eyes. Look beyond and below, at passing cars and scattered clouds and even glass skyscrapers. Everything is capturable if he looks hard enough.

The third rule is a bit more cruel: be selfish. To decide what is worth capturing is selfish, but taking photos is an inherently selfish act, anyway. Because it is deemed from the need to safe-keep a moment forever: to record it on film (or on pixels, depending on the medium chosen), and to revisit it later just for a personal sentimentality.

The last rule, Soobin learns the hard way, is to get used to disappointments. The first frame is always too overexposed, a partial shot that only tells half the story. Viewfinders are tricky; they throw him off-balanced, and there are mistakes that can only be discovered after a month and a half, when he finally processes the film. Film soups rarely work, and light meters are a hassle on 120 medium-format cameras.

Real life isn’t photography, because in real life, Soobin has to fit into roles and molds and shapes, but when taking a photo, he can play by his own rules. This is why Soobin doesn’t care about theory that much; golden ratios and color theory and rules of thirds were created by someone else and they tend to play tricks on the eye.

Besides, Soobin likes photographs that are raw, open; photography should be an introspective process. It should reflect how he sees the world.

[ ◉¯]

The darkroom has always been Soobin’s favorite place in the world, quiet and cozy, as if the Earth shrinks to only him and the red light above.

His eyes quickly get used to the dark; he has been in darkrooms since he was young. His grandpa had turned their storage room into a makeshift darkroom during one spring decluttering, and ever since then, Soobin has taken a penchant for photographic printing. It trains him how to be precise, and how to control certain light sources.

Soobin loads the film in the tank first, and then preps the trays, mixing the right amount of chemicals and water. It’s a methodological and time-consuming process, and Beomgyu always nags him that now people use scanners for convenient digital files instead of locking themselves inside here for hours, but it always calms Soobin’s nerves. To Soobin, this is his own type of meditation.

When the film has been developed, Soobin washes it with water and hangs the strip up so it can dry. Now, this is the fun part: he moves to the enlarger as he cuts a piece of the film and inserts it into the negative carrier. On the easel, Soobin does a test print first, and turns on the light momentarily to see the results. When happy, Soobin flicks the switch off as his eyes get used to darkness, once again.

When all the photos are finished printing, Soobin takes a slower scan of them, before hanging them to dry. They have a dryer, but Soobin likes to do it this way, because he can see the sequence of the events in which he took the photos. A few shots are messed up; there had been so many fast movements that slip out of Soobin’s shutter speed, but Soobin’s heart is content, nonetheless. Besides, he also did take a bunch of photos with his digital camera; these are mostly printed for experience. Their school pays for the paper anyway.

The last few photos are shots of the cheerleading squad, and Soobin chews the inside of his cheek in frustration because… these are mainly Yeonjun. Yeonjun blowing a kiss to the camera; Yeonjun tumbling in the air; Yeonjun steadying a girl on his shoulder as a bead of sweat rolls down the side of his neck, his eyes lit up with a twinkle. For some reason, Soobin’s camera was drawn to Yeonjun’s silhouette like a magnet, even when he was supposed to take photos of the entire match. Soobin doesn’t even know the guy.

“Let me look at the shots,” Beomgyu says as Soobin exits the darkroom.

“Absolutely not,” Soobin says, but he still hands Beomgyu the photos nonetheless.

“Nice job,” Beomgyu says as he sorts through them, and Soobin tries not to focus on Beomgyu’s expression because these are still his works. He doesn’t like the critic's eyes. “No wonder you are the brightest star of the photography club.”

“Thanks,” Soobin clicks his tongue. “Except I only want to be the brightest star of my program.”

“As if your mom will be less disappointed in you when that finally happens,” Beomgyu says, and Soobin smacks the back of his head. Beomgyu doesn't mean it like... that, but his words still leave a sourness on Soobin's tongue. It's not Beomgyu's fault that he doesn’t know.

“Wow… there are so many of Yeonjun.” Beomgyu’s eyes widen as he flips through the photos.

Soobin clears his throat. “My shutter button was stuck.”

Beomgyu lets out an ugly laugh, the kind that grinds against Soobin’s ears. He takes out his phone and takes a few photos, before sending them to someone in his contact.

“Did you ask for my permission, little brat?”

“These are properties of the photography club. They paid for the film, you know,” Beomgyu says, and then his brows furrow as he flips through the photos again. “Wait. This is so funny– Yeonjun hyung only looked at your camera.”

“Huh?” Soobin says, and Beomgyu tosses the photos on the table and reaches for his mirrorless camera in his bag, rummaging around a few settings to locate the photos taken that day. Soobin tries not to roll his eyes at the amount of Kang Taehyun’s face, or Kang Taehyun’s zoomed-in biceps, or Kang Taehyun's Adam apple photos that Beomgyu took. Beomgyu is such a creep.

“Look at these,” Beomgyu says as the cursor of his camera hovers over the shots of the cheerleading squad. Yeonjun looks different on a digital display, skin more flushed and eyes more glossy, but the saturation makes Yeonjun’s face a bit... synthetic. The shots are too bright. Beomgyu doesn’t have good control of his aperture, but his specialty is graphic design, anyway. He just joined the photography club because Soobin had begged him to.

“He never glanced at me," Beomgyu mumbles, "just once, even when I literally sat next to you.”

Soobin’s eyes narrow as he takes the camera from Beomgyu’s hands. Beomgyu is right. It is obvious that Yeonjun only looked to the left of Beomgyu’s camera, straight into Soobin’s viewfinder.

“Weird,” Soobin says, and tries not to think too much about it. It must be because Beomgyu’s partially working flash was an eyesore, anyway.

[ ◉¯]

“Another amazing day at work with another amazing pile of useless material that no one will read,” Soobin groans as he unloads the shiny paperboard, color-printed editions of History of Art from the cart. “Does our school know that all art students read are poorly-made zines?”

“Has anyone told you that you complain a lot?” Yunjin rolls her eyes, and hands Soobin another copy of another heavy, bulky book, probably about art history or spatial design. Soobin doesn’t even bother to look at the title. “And we do read real books. It’s just you who is illiterate.”

“I read Susan Sontag. She is really interesting,” Soobin protests, and then shoves all the books to the right so he can have more space. “Besides, these shouldn’t even be considered books. They’re just high-quality printed photos.”

“Sontag was required material,” Yunjin says. “And no one uses the word interesting to describe Sontag. You either understand her or you don’t.”

“Okay… miss philosopher,” Soobin says, and scrunches his face as he slots another book on the shelf. “Maybe you should change your major if you like to conceptualize art that much.”

“And then who is going to ruin your day?” Yunjin smiles at him.

“Knowing you exist on this planet is enough to ruin my day.”

Arin chooses that moment to come over and shushes them up. “Quiet down, kids,” she says, and her hair today is tied up in a half-bun. She's wearing a summer dress with sunflowers printed on the ruffles of her sleeves. Soobin likes it; it makes her look lovely. “Apparently second-year architecture students are having a major project. They’re really stressed out at this moment.”

“Architecture students are always stressed,” Soobin says, and Arin breaks out in a tiny giggle, even when what he said was not really funny. Her face is flushed, and she twirls a strand of hair.

“Focus on work, Soobin. There are still so many over there,” she points at the books piled up in the corner, and then walks away slowly. Occasionally, she glances back over her shoulders, and her cheeks dust pink as she notices he's looking at her.

When Arin is finally back at the reception desk, Yunjin taps his shoulder. “You know, she’s graduating next spring.”

Soobin sighs, and looks at the book in his hand. The Poetics of Space. What a fucking pretentious title. “Okay… And what does it have to do with me?"

“Dude, she was flirting with you. I don’t know why you still haven’t asked her out,” Yunjin says, crouching down to double-check the titles of the books on the lower shelf. Soobin knows Arin likes him, of course.

Affection is like camera flash: no one can hide either of them. The signs are always there, bright and clear, drawing the eyes in. Red ears, flushed cheeks, twirls of hair.

Or maybe Soobin has always been a little bit more observant than most people, after all. It comes with photography.

Yunjin fixes the books so that they're neatly lined up. “You have had your eyes on her for what? Since freshman year?”

During freshman year, Soobin thought that Arin was pretty. She is still pretty now, but there’s something else that is holding him back. It must be because he actually knows that she likes him, and it’s a bit terrifying. Sometimes, Soobin wonders if he likes the idea of Arin as his girlfriend more than he actually likes her, because to be frank, he doesn't really know her that much.

“I don’t know either," Soobin says after a while.

“Your crush on her is pathetic,” Yunjin says. Soobin wouldn’t call that a crush, per se. Arin is just… pretty; Soobin can like pretty things without wanting them. “Ask her out by using the portrait assignment that Professor Kim gave us.”

“Absolutely not,” Soobin makes a face. “Another case of male photographers projecting the male gaze on their female subjects. Professor Kim is going to have a field day if I do that.”

“What happened to the Soobin I know?" Yunjun stands up, curling her hands around her hips. "Don't you hate theory? You’re so concerned about ethics all of a sudden.”

“Excuse me. I have always been concerned about ethics. I’m a real women lover,” Soobin says, but then he thinks that the desire to trap a moment in its eternity is already unethical in the first place. So in general, ethics doesn’t really matter in this field. Soobin places the last book on the shelf.

"Whatever you say, mister feminist." Yunjin clicks her tongue. "Then I think you should seize your chance and score yourself a real woman, instead of daydreaming about your anime waifus.”

“I watch anime for the plot, not the 2D girls. You wouldn’t understand,” Soobin says, and then nudges Yunjin's elbow softly. He doesn't want to keep talking about this. "Hurry up, Yunjin. We don't have all day. We have two other piles.”

Yunjin dusts her pants as she rolls the cart back to the reception desk. “Dude, seriously, do it,” Yunjin says as she tilts her head. “Arin will give you some bomb-ass portraits.”

When they approach the reception desk, Arin is checking out a book and she gives Soobin a tiny smile when he looks at her. Soobin thinks about what Yunjun said for a second, before tucking it to the back of his mind.

[ ◉¯]

“Excuse me,” a voice pulls Soobin out of his freezing Photoshop. “I can’t seem to find this book… The Art of Korean Clothing.”

Soobin blinks, because it takes him a second to recognize who has shown up in front of the reception desk. When it clicks, Soobin's eyes widen.

Choi Yeonjun. Soobin had this face memorized when he studied Yeonjun’s photos slowly developed in the trays a week ago. Soobin swallows as Yeonjun’s gaze is still strong, fixed on him.

He’s wearing a gray band tee today, man-made holes visible on his shoulders. His eye makeup is still as dark, but up close, Soobin can make out the hints of brown, with some shimmers added on the middle of his lids.

“Sorry? Come again?” Soobin is so distracted. It's the brown eyes.

“Ahhhh,” Yeonjun says, lips edging up to a smile. “The Art of Korean Clothing? I couldn’t find it under the Fashion and Costume section, but it was stated on the website that you guys hold a copy of it?”

Soobin smiles. Soobin likes how Yeonjun’s voice sounds. Soobin has imagined it to be… different, a little deeper, perhaps. It must be because his features are sharp. “Wait a second, I’ll check on the database.”

He turns his attention to the desktop that is ready to go to sleep at any moment, and clicks on the icon of the website of the library. “Hm… The Art of Korean Clothing… there you go! It should be under Cultural Studies.”

“Ah, no wonder why,” Yeonjun says. “I spent an hour scanning every title of the books under the Fashion and Costume.”

“Hold on,” Soobin says, and he leaves a note to ask Arin to switch this book to Fashion and Costume later. “Do you know where Cultural Studies is? I can show you.”

Yeonjun blinks, his hands holding the edges of the counter as if they were paws. “Are you sure? Will I not bother you? I mean… you’re at work and all.”

“Absolutely not. This is not bothering,” Soobin stands up. “This is me taking a break from staring at my dumb design, and besides,” he scans the library and shoots Yeonjun a smile. “There’s literally no one here today. Art students don’t go to libraries, except for the stuck-up architecture assholes.”

Yeonjun giggles into his palm, and his eyes crinkle up into crescents. It’s really cute. “You’re right. I didn’t even know we had a library, and I have been around for what… three years?”

“Exactly. I can’t complain about the lack of students coming here though. It’s kind of making my job easier.”

Yeonjun's face breaks out into warmth, and Soobin tries not to stare so much as he makes his way to the Cultural Studies section on the half-story, gesturing Yeonjun to follow him. Yeonjun is like a cat, his steps light and mellow, and he scans around elegantly before striding his long legs and following Soobin.

“Be careful of these stairs,” he warns Yeonjun, who is looking at his steps as he makes his way up. “You also don’t look like the type to frequent libraries.”

“What kind of places do I look like I frequent?” Yeonjun laughs a little. "Do I look like the type that you'd find in a casino or something?"

“Oh shit,” Soobin waves his hand. “I didn’t mean it in a bad way…. You seem like,” he takes a look at Yeonjun’s outfit again, and eyes the ample amount of eyeliner. “You would frequent cool places. A club maybe. Like... you're in a band."

“So you think I’m cool?” Yeonjun says, a hint of playfulness tinted in his voice. When Soobin looks back, a pout is tugged at the corners of Yeonjun's lips, as if he wants Soobin to agree. “I do play bass, but I’m not in a band.”

“I said you seem like you frequent cool places," Soobin says. "I didn't say that I think you're cool. It’s not the same.”

“I’m pretty cool myself. It’s just you who are in denial.” The pout becomes more pronounced, and it's adorable.

“Aren't you a little bit too full of yourself?” Soobin raises an eyebrow. He was scared that Yeonjun might be offended for a moment, but his face breaks out in a smile.

“Aren’t you a little bit too judgemental?”

“You call it judgemental. I call it being truthful,” Soobin says, and Yeonjun laughs, but he doesn’t seem mad. When Soobin turns around to resume his steps, he chuckles to himself because why is he bantering with a stranger, no less. But there’s something about Yeonjun that makes Soobin feel right at home, despite his tattered outfit, and the heavy amount of eyeliner that he is wearing – a contrast to Soobin’s striped blue shirt.

When they get to the top of the stairs, sunlight pours through the large window pane and goldens Yeonjun's face. When Yeonjun glances up, tiny dust from the books obscures the air around him, and Soobin regrets not bringing his camera to work because this is the perfect portrait. This sight would look amazing on Kodak Gold.

Even when Yeonjun's face is still, Soobin can see the curiosity glinting in his eyes. He’s got eyes that can talk, Soobin's grandfather would have said, those people make photos fascinating.

“Sorry—” Yeonjun blinks up, and the sun slips into his skin and gives it a sparkle. Soobin jumps back a little. “Is there something on my face?”

“Oh, nothing, sorry. I was just distracted. Long morning at work,” Soobin says, and quickly turns as he scurries to the shelf on the far right, scared that Yeonjun can smell his nervous state. “Cultural Studies… The Art of Korean Clothing…” He scans the title “It’s here.”

Soobin crouches down, pulls the book out of the shelf, and shows it to Yeonjun before holding it to his chest. “Do you want to check this out?”

Yeonjun nods, and Soobin flicks his head back to the reception desk. When Yeonjun turns around, Soobin gasps as he spots Yeonjun’s back. His T-shirt is cut out in the shape of a heart that stretches from his shoulders to his lower back, revealing an expanse of a milky, pale waist. It’s as small as a girl’s.

“Nice T-shirt,” Soobin whispers when they get back to the counter, and he scans the code of the book with the machine. “Maybe you are kind of cool.”

“Thank you,” Yeonjun’s face is dusted with a faint pink. He bites his lip, and looks at Soobin underneath his bangs. Soobin can’t tell if Yeonjun is shy or if he actually likes the compliment. It’s still adorable, nonetheless.

“I made it myself,” Yeonjun says. “I study fashion.”

“I figured,” Soobin hands him the book, and their hands brush each other momentarily. “Not a lot of people would look for The Art of Korean Clothing while wearing something they made themselves.”

“You’re very observant,” Yeonjun says. “It’s cute. I like that.”

It’s not like Soobin doesn’t receive compliments often, but something skips in his chest. “It’s a habit, I swear.”

“You’re cute,” Yeonjun says. Soobin fidgets with his hands because what is he supposed to do? He didn't come to work today to get called cute twice by a really pretty guy, even when Soobin isn’t really into men. Pretty people just have this effect on him. "You're like... really really cute."

Is Yeonjun flirting with him? There’s warmth on his cheeks; Soobin thinks he’s blushing.

“I'm not cute. I'm a grown man. You... you don’t even know me.” Soobin chews his bottom lip to stop it from stretching into a smile, but he can't help it as Yeonjun’s giggle bounces back at him. It’s a beautiful sound, sort of like wind chimes. “Besides, you have low standards. Don't people notice things about you?”

“Yeonjun,” Yeonjun extends a hand, and Soobin tentatively takes it, pretending that Yeonjun is still a stranger, as if this face hasn’t been plaguing Soobin’s mind for days. The cold of the rings Yeonjun wears rubs against his skin. “Now you do know me and no, people do not usually notice things about me."

How could they not? Soobin's forehead creases, but then Yeonjun lets go of the handshake a little bit too quickly and Soobin's hand itches. "See you around, Soobin-ssi,” Yeonjun says, and he tucks the book under his arm. “Wait. Soobin-ssi, right?”

“Ah, didn’t know you were a fan,” Soobin tries not to yelp, because there is no way Yeonjun knew about his existence. Soobin is pretty sure that he is invisible on campus; he stays in his dorm most of the time, except for when he needs to go to the library or the convenience store down the street to get his weekly supply of Buldak noodles, ice cream, and toilet paper. Soobin's mouth gapes open, and he tries not to make a noise.

“Of your work, yes.” Yeonjun winks at him. This brings Soobin right back to that moment when Yeonjun was semi-flirting with him through his viewfinder, but Soobin thinks he could have been wrong. Viewfinders are tricky, anyway. “Beomgyu showed me the photos you took during the match last week. I didn’t know you printed them out.”

“Ah, I like the printing process,” Soobin scratches the back of his neck. “Do you like them?” He licks his lips, a nervous habit, because asking for opinions on his shots always turns Soobin's insides into a mushy mess.

“They look amazing,” Yeonjun says, and he cups his face in one hand as he leans over the counter. Soobin takes a whiff of Yeonjun’s summer skin, and the lingering of a fruit. Pear, perhaps. “Sometimes I don’t like how I look when people take photos of me, but you did an amazing job.”

“But you are so… pretty,” Soobin’s mouth runs quicker for his brain, and heat creeps to his face because why the fuck would he say that. “You make a great photography subject.”

“Maybe it's you who has low standards,” Yeonjun says, and they both break out in a laugh. A couple of architecture students sitting at the common table opposite the reception desk shoot him a funny look, but Soobin couldn’t care less.

“Thank you for helping me, and, uh. See you around, Soobin-ssi,” Yeonjun says as he bats his eyelashes, and gives Soobin a tiny wave. “I, uh, gotta go." He holds up his book and flashes Soobin a toothy smile. "I need to, uh, go read this amazing book full of knowledge to write two sentences for my essay. What an amazing Wednesday.”

“See you,” Soobin nods. “Please don't throw it in the fountain. We also need it for future students.”

Yeonjun smiles shyly as he walks toward the exit. Soobin tries not to stare at the skin of Yeonjun’s back glimmering under the morning sun.

[ ◉¯]

“Oh my god,” Soobin screams when he gets back to his dorm, and hides his eyes in his palms. “Think about the innocent souls that will be permanently scarred by this vulgar image. Put on a fucking shirt, please.”

“And deprive the people of all of this?” Beomgyu says, lifting a hand and pointing to his flat chest. “Hyung. I need to show this university what they’re missing out on.”

“What this university is missing out on is a chance to publicly throw eggs on you,” Soobin says, and drops his bag on the table as he flops down onto his bed. Huening Kai is peering at him underneath the cover, and Soobin bets he’s also shirtless, too. Teenage boys and their hormones.

“You don’t even live here. Beomgyu," Soobin mumbles as he rolls over to face the wall covered in printed photos of his friends. "Go back to your dorm.”

“Baby, your homophobic roommate is kicking me out,” Beomgyu groans, and purses his lip. “Old people are so bigoted.”

“I am a year older than you. And I am very tolerant of you and your homosexual activities.” Soobin flips over as he glares at their half-naked state, their red lips, and their disarrayed hair. “But you are not having sex in my room.”

Beomgyu makes a face, and Soobin gets up from his bed, picks Beomgyu’s shirt scattered on the floor, and throws it on his face.

“We were not having sex in this room today, live a little,” Beomgyu rolls his eyes. “You are such a prude.”

“So you were having sex in this room on other days?” Soobin asks as he sits on the foot of his bed, massaging the tip of his nose. “Never mind, don’t answer that. I don’t want to know.”

“Oh, yes. On your be—-” Beomgyu says, and Kai jumps from the bed to cover his mouth. Soobin shuts his eyes as he spots Kai's nipples, and the trails of love marks all over his chest. Kai is his best friend; it's weird to know that your best friend knows how to use his dick.

“Don’t listen to him,” Kai says. “You know Beomgyu. He’s just joking, hyung. We would never disrespect you and have sex on your bed.” Kai grits his teeth and shakes Beomgyu lightly. Heat rises up in Soobin’s throat. How dare these fucking bitches touch his bed. Soobin hasn't even had a chance to get any action on it yet. Soobin contemplates strangling both of them, and throwing their bodies to the Han River afterward.

“You fucking bitch,” Soobin groans into his palms, and Beomgyu lets out a sadistic, high-pitched laugh. Soobin jerks up from his bed, face contorted into a disgusted expression, because now nothing in this room is safe. Suddenly he wants to run out of the room, because who knows where the fuck these bitches have done the deed. They could be doing it on the floor, too, where Soobin is standing right now.

“I was kidding. Calm down, hyung,” Beomgyu says. “I am smart enough to not go near your bed, you unhygienic freak. When was the last time you washed your sheets?”

“Last week! Your boyfriend was with me when I was washing my sheets! I am a changed man now!” Soobin protests, and he peeks between his fingers to check Beomgyu’s expression. Both of them are laughing, and Beomgyu looks like he’s actually enjoying Soobin’s suffering instead of looking guilty, so Soobin knows Beomgyu was not lying. He lets out a sigh, and gingerly sits on his bed again, shoulders relaxing.

“Don’t ever joke like that again, Beomgyu,” Soobin says, and he flops his head on his pillow, twisting his body around as it softens against the mattress. Beeomgyu's photos on his wall look so rippable. “You drive me crazy.”

“I drive men crazy, I know,” Beomgyu says, finally putting on his shirt and Soobin’s desire to evacuate eventually dissipates. Beomgyu reaches over and grabs his phone on the edge of Kai’s table, knocking over the zines. Both of them rupture in laughter as Beongyu starts scrolling Tiktok, and Soobin rests his hand on his forehead, trying to rest his eyes for a minute. The branches of trees outside his window sway in the afternoon sun.

The sun casts a rich gold on the deep green, a beautiful contrast, and slowly drips into the white walls of their dorm room. This would look great on Kodak Gold, except Soobin’s hands are too heavy for his SLR camera at this moment. He just wants to lie down for a little bit more.

Kodak Gold. Soobin’s mind lingers on Yeonjun, who would look great on Kodak Gold, and he flips over.

“Beomgyu. You know Yeonjun, right?”

“Yes, I do.” Beomgyu shrugs. “I do designs for the dance club’s events sometimes. Why?”

“Could you give me his phone number?”

Beomgyu locks his phone and gives Soobin a pointed look. “And why would I want to do that?”

“Because I asked nicely?” Soobin says, and for a second he thinks about chickening out because it’s always difficult to fish information out of Beongyu. Maybe Soobin should just ask Arin, she would say yes. She likes her photos taken, anyway, for her Naver blog or something; Soobin doesn’t really remember. He swallows dry.

But still, there is something about Yeonjun that magnetizes Soobin’s camera, and now his mind is fixated.

“Fine,” Beomgyu says. “What’s your intention with my Yeonjun hyung?”

“Your Yeonjun hyung. Excuse me, did you catch that, Kai?” Soobin says, and sits up as he reaches out for his phone at the bottom of his bag, and turns on his Airdrop. “I didn’t know you guys were also looking for a fourth, huh? Was Kang Taehyun not enough? Send it over.”

Beomgyu rolls his eyes but he still complies, nonetheless, and then crashes back down to the bed as he nuzzles into Kai’s chest. It’s a revolting sight, but Soobin debates against running into the bathroom and taking a puke, because he’s too busy staring at Yeonjun’s newly saved contact.

[ ◉¯]

The line at the coffee shop is unreasonably long, especially at 5 p.m. on a Thursday. Soobin shifts his weight between his two legs. Before his turn, he narrows his eyes as he scans the menu hung on the display screen above.

Soobin is finally early, for once; he also puts on a better outfit today, a white tee, baggy blue jeans, and panda dunks that he got because he was influenced by Kai. Something that isn’t… elderly, because Beomgyu always has something to say about Soobin's outfit. Besides, he always feels so out of place whenever he’s with–

“What can I get you today, cutie?” Yeonjun asks, and Soobin rolls his eyes but a smile blooms on his cheeks.

“Do you flirt with every customer?”

“Only the cute ones, I swear,” Yeonjun replies, and this makes Soobin chuckle. They’re not… flirting, right? Soobin did flirt with a couple of men before, like Changmin and some of the Australian exchanges, but Soobin always shut them down before they had any idea, because it's cruel to give people hope. It’s just… Soobin can make a couple of playful jokes with a pretty man, Soobin thinks. He likes pretty things anyway.

“Glad to know that my model thinks I’m cute,” Soobin says.

“Oh, that,” Yeonjun nods. “I get off in fifteen minutes. Is it okay if you wait a little?”

“Absolutely yes,” Soobin says. “And for me, one taro milk tea with coconut milk and whipped cream, please. Oh, and if you have a pump of vanilla, that would be fantastic.” Soobin scratches his neck and beams at Yeonjun. “Ah— Also, is it okay if you give me extra whipped cream? And maybe some chocolate sprinkles if you have them.”

“What?” Yeonjun laughs, and when he does that his eyes turn into crescents, again. There are a few creases around his mouth, and his lips curl up like a cat in a comic book. The light casts a glow on Yeonjun’s skin, and his eyes become even more brown. The color of chocolate.

Soobin wants to reach into his bag for his camera, but they have the entire evening for that. Yeonjun's smile blooms a little more.

“Soobin-ssi… are you sure you want that abomination?”

“Calling a customer’s drink an abomination is kind of rude, Yeonjun-ssi?”

“Sorry,” Yeonjun sounds genuinely apologetic, and he notes down Soobin’s order on a plastic cup, before passing it to his coworker. “One taro milk tea with…”

“A lot of deliciousness,” Soobin nods, holding back his laughter as he spots the little scrunch of Yeonjun's nose. “And a Yeonjun in fifteen minutes.”

“Coming right up,” Yeonjun says, and hands Soobin the payment machine as Soobin slots his card, eyes still fixated on Yeonjun’s face. Yeonjun is wearing make-up again, today; Soobin notes the dusted pink on the highs of his cheeks, and of course, the little wing at the end of his eyeliner. His eye makeup always accentuates his features.

Soobin just nods when Yeonjun hands him the bill, doesn’t bother to look at the price before pocketing it as he walks to the pickup counter. The part-timer who hands him his drink looks at him inquisitively, but she doesn’t say anything else and goes back to steaming the milk.

Yeonjun clocks out right after Soobin finishes his drink. He gives Soobin a small wave as he unwraps his apron and enters the staff room. When he steps out, he’s dressed in a striped blue shirt, exactly like the one Soobin wore the other day at the library.

“Sorry… I didn’t know what you were looking for… So I hope this was okay?” Yeonjun points to his blue shirt, and then rubs the back of his neck sheepishly. His orange hair makes the contrast even more vibrant, and when Soobin squints he can see a delightful photograph with the perfect tension that makes the spectator hungry for more.

"I don't know if this style is what you have expected?" Yeonjun says, as if he could notice that Soobin is a little bit dazed.

Soobin wants to tell Yeonjun that the only thing he has expected is Yeonjun’s face, and it’s still as pretty and capturable as that day during the match. But he doesn’t say it out loud, because that is kind of weird.

“It’s perfect,” Soobin says. “You finally look like a college student instead of a casino frequenter, Yeonjun-ssi.”

“I'm pretty sure it's Yeonjun hyung for you,” Yeonjun says. “You are Beomgyu’s age, right?”

“No,” Soobin says. “I was born in 2000,” and he pauses, licking his bottom lip. “I, uh. I took a year off to travel, and to figure life out.”

“That’s super cool, Soobin,” Yeonjun’s smile turns wider, his expression warm and genuine. It makes Soobin’s shoulders relax a little more, because his break is still something that Soobin doesn’t talk about a lot. But the twinkling in Yeonjun’s eyes is stripping Soobin of his defense. “No wonder you are way more mature than Beomgyu.”

“Beongyu calls me an old grandpa all the time,” Soobin says, and Yeonjun’s eyes crinkle up as he giggles. The sun kisses the side of Yeonjun’s face, orange pouring on milky skin, a buffet of all the shades of delight. Soobin’s hands itch for the camera, so he unwraps it from his bag and takes a photo.

“I— I wasn’t ready!” Yeonjun protests, his face flushed as he opens the door for both of them. “You should have asked me first.”

“Sorry,” Soobin says. His camera wasn’t ready either, since the aperture is at the lowest setting. The photo will turn out too bright, but it’s the first in the roll anyway.

Soobin checks the film memo holder to make sure it's Kodak Gold.

“You don’t sound very sorry,” Yeonjun says as they get out of the coffee shop. Cars buzz in his ears, and Soobin adjusts his camera strap.

“It’s true. I am actually not,” Soobin says, and Yeonjun hits his arm as he does a couple of twirls on the pavement, like a dandelion getting scattered by the wind.

“Finally free from underpaid labor,” Yeonjun mewls, and the same smile unconsciously tugs on Soobin's lips.

“Wait,” Soobin says, and he steadies Yeonjun’s shoulder as he unties Yeonjun’s hair, and then runs his free hand to fluff it up. The strands are a bit brittle against his fingers. Newly dyed hair, Soobin could tell, but Yeonjun doesn't smell like chemicals. Yeonjun smells like pear and coffee. “Better. Your hair looks better like this.”

Yeonjun’s cheeks color, but it might be his makeup. Soobin snaps another photo, now with the correct settings, and points to his left.

“There’s an open space there. Shall we go?”

On the way there, Yeonjun talks about his day. About the rude customer who demands Yeonjun to remake his drink three times within the span of fifteen minutes, and sticks his gum underneath the table afterward. About the research project that he is doing for his theoretical course. About everything and nothing at all. Soobin listens, and occasionally he snaps a few shots of Yeonjun’s profile. Of Yeonjun’s smile, or of the summer sweat that glosses over his skin.

Soobin doesn’t mind that much, because he likes it when Yeonjun talks. His mouth always protrudes in a pout, and it distracts Soobin from complaining about either the long walk or the blaring heat from above. His hands always clutch at the camera, and when Yeonjun turns a certain way, Soobin snaps a shot.

Yeonjun is so expressive; he hasn’t seen the same expression on Yeonjun’s face. Soobin is glad, because Yeonjun is such a charming photography subject; none of Soobin’s photos will turn out the same.

“Even when I consider this a compliment, you still shouldn’t waste your film like this,” Yeonjun says as they take a turn on a small hill. Soobin runs a hand through his hair, and walks faster as he spots the empty space in front of them.

“I’m not wasting my film,” Soobin says, and he checks the frame counter. Only 12 shots left. “Oh.”

“What?” Yeonjun says as he shields his eyes with his hand. Sunset paints the sky a deep orange, and a streak of pink splashes over the clouds.

From this spot, Soobin can see the city gleaming underneath them, a collection of blinking lights, reds and blues and whites. He turns to Yeonjun and smiles. “It’s pretty, right?”

Yeonjun looks at him, eyes are also another source that reflects the light. “Yes,” he says, his breath short. A gust of wind fluffs up his hair, and Soobin can’t help but take another photo.

“I make a great model, don’t I?” Yeonjun says as Soobin points to the ledge. Yeonjun props his weight on his hands and jumps, trying to climb up.

“Be careful,” Soobin says, and he puts his camera down as he holds Yeonjun’s waist to help him get on it. His fingers burn a little, but Soobin thinks it must be the summer heat, and the sun above. “I don’t want my great model to fall and break his neck.”

Colors flush in Yeonjun’s face, and Soobin can see him in shades of red and yellows and blues, a beautiful photograph.

“So thoughtful,” Yeonjun says weakly, and steadies himself to keep his balance. From this spot, the sun casts a soft glow on Yeonjun’s face, and his brown eyes light up as the entire city burns underneath them.

Yeonjun's orange hair also blazes up like a flame, and Soobin is drawn in it like a moth.

“Okay stay still,” Soobin says, and he presses his shutter until he realizes that he’s out of film. He switches to Kodak Portra and adjusts the settings as the film has a different sensitivity to light, and the last photo he takes of Yeonjun is him tilting his head forward, staring at the sky. His features soft, hair falling back delicately on his face.

Portraits are not something Soobin is particularly good at, because they require a lot of posing. Soobin likes photography the most when it is raw and caught-in-the-moment. But Yeonjun does make a charming subject; there are a lot of emotions on his face, and they are all convincing. Soobin doesn’t really have to give Yeonjun any instructions, Yeonjun can just turn his head a certain way and Soobin will have a wonderful shot.

Or Soobin thinks he will have a wonderful shot. Viewfinders are a tricky thing. Soobin smiles as he puts his camera back into his bag, and extends a hand as he helps Yeonjun to step down from the platform. Above them, the sky coats a dark blue.

“Thank you for everything,” Soobin says after he’s done packing his bag. “Do you accept ice cream as a thank-you gift?”

“I think this requires more than some ice cream,” Yeonjun says, and there’s a twinkle in his eyes that is quite suggestive. Soobin isn’t so sure.

“I would pay you back with coffee, except you work at a coffee shop,” Soobin says, and he lets out a breath as he drops Yeonjun’s hand. Soobin shoves his hand inside his pocket.

“Or you can take me out for dinner.”

Soobin furrows his brows. His pocket suddenly feels too small and Soobin is a little bit stuck. “Yeonjun. Actually, I’m not—”

“I know,” Yeonjun tilts his head back and smiles. “Beomgyu told me. Believe me, I don’t have any intentions with you. I just weirdly enjoy your company.”

Soobin's face breaks into a smile. “I weirdly enjoy your company, too,” Soobin says. He rocks his bag on his shoulder, feeling its weight. “Okay. A dinner then.”

Soobin still ends up getting ice cream for both of them, anyway, and the sky fades into black as Yeonjun tells Soobin about a sewing project that he is working on, his face is delightful and radiant, brighter than the moon. His makeup has melted by then, but there’s still a pink tinge on his skin, a summer glow.

The walk home is long, but Soobin doesn’t complain.

[ ◉¯]

Soobin spreads the photos on his table, and he organizes them in a semi-cohesive sequence that can somewhat tell a story. Or whatever, really. He just does it to please Professor Kim.

“Dude, let me see the photos of Arin unnie,” Yunjin chimes behind his shoulders, and Soobin swats her away as Beomgyu flops down to the seat opposite them. A knowing smile twists on his face.

“He didn’t take photos of Arin noona. Instead, he asked Yeonjun hyung.”

“Yeonjun… as in Choi Yeonjun?” Yunjin says. “President of the dance club? The guy who does cheerleading sometimes?”

“You know Yeonjun?” Soobin whips his head back and stares at her dubiously. “Why does everyone and their mother know Yeonjun while I literally have never heard his name?”

“Of course, dude. He’s like… super popular. He’s omnipresent. He’s everywhere,” Yunjin says.

“What a small world,” Soobin replies.

“This is not a small world, dumbass,” Yunjin scrunches her nose. “This is a university. Everyone knows of each other, and besides, Choi Yeonjun is involved in like… almost all campus activities. It’s hard to miss the guy.”

It’s really hard to miss the guy, indeed. Especially because he’s just so… noticeable. Your eyes just draw into him. Soobin wonders why he was so blind before.

“Was it only me that hadn’t heard about him?” Soobin crosses his arms.

“Well," Yunjin mirrors his action. "Not everyone locks themselves up in their room and plays video games all day like a social recluse.”

“I’m not a social recluse. I have friends,” Soobin protests. “And I do go out sometimes.”

“Your roommate and his boyfriend aren’t considered friends. They are forced to hang out with you,” Yunjin says, and Beomgyu and her exchange a smile. “And I don’t think making a short trip to the CU down the street or running late to the library that is literally five minutes from your dorm should be considered going out.”

“Why are you so mean to me? Huh Yunjin? What did I even do to you?”

“You’re a straight man. Stop acting oppressed.”

Soobin pouts, and Yunjin throws her head back and laughs. She sounds like a squirrel, and this makes Soobin’s pout become more protruding.

“You’re just mad that I’m always right,” Yunjin says, but she rubs Soobin’s shoulder in an reassurance, because she doesn’t really mean it. “Now lemme investigate,” Yunjin continues, her face soft, and she picks up a photo on the table and narrows her eyes.

It is a shot of Yeonjun laughing as the sun kisses his face, his ears are visibly red. It’s kind of out-of-focus, but Soobin picks it as the first photo because Yeonjun looks like he is wrapped in a soft, hazy swirl. It reminds Soobin of the first few blinks after waking up, when the world is still a fuzzy blur. “Dude. This is super nice, as expected from our prodigy.”

“Stop teasing,” Soobin says, and Beomgyu grabs the photo from Yunjin’s hand and pushes it close to his face. “Be ready when we don’t have Photography next semester and I’ll have to suffer again.”

“I can’t wait for Photography to be over,” Yunjin says. “Chaewon is so sick of being my guinea pig every time they hand out an assignment.”

Professor Kim chooses that moment to enter the class and shushes them down. Beomgyu goes back to his table, and Soobin sighs as he has to reorganize his photos again.

When it’s finally Soobin’s turn to receive his feedback, Professor Kim pushes his glasses up his nose bridge, and takes a closer look at the portraits.

“Hmm…” Professor Kim says, and Soobin tries not to wilt under nervousness because every feedback session still feels as painful, exactly like the first one that he attended, except now he’s used to Professor Kim’s harsh critique and harsher grading. “These…”

“Ahh… Sorry. They don’t really seem like my usual style,” Soobin says. Because for some reason, Yeonjun made him forget all about his rules. “I printed out a few other shots just in case.” He quickly grabs his bag.

“Why?” Professor Kim’s eyes widen. “These are very good, Soobin. I just didn’t expect you to take photos like these.”

“Sorry, Professor, what do you mean?” Soobin says, and he licks his lips as Professor Kim shoots him an unreadable half-smile and places the photos back on the table.

“Your photos are always so calculated. They aren’t posed, per se. It’s just when you take photos with a SLR, they always come out neat, as if you knew the exact settings for them.”

“Isn’t that a good thing, Professor?" Soobin frowns.

“It is, but the essential part of taking photos is to embrace uncertainties, and it’s clear that sometimes you’re holding back,” Professor Kim says as his smile widens. “I like these a lot. Keep up the good work, Soobin. Get out of your comfort zone. You’ll learn more than you think.”

[ ◉¯]

Dinner… turns out to be a tteokbokki place located in Bundang. Yeonjun shifts his weight between his legs and checks the time on his phone, and this makes Soobin run a little bit faster. When Yeonjun spots him, his eyes light up, and the excitement on his face makes him look like a child.

“Sorry I’m late,” Soobin says apologetically. He has been thinking about which camera to take, just to go with a simple point-and-shoot. It used to belong to his grandfather.

“Don’t worry. I just arrived,” Yeonjun gestures to the restaurant. “This is the best place to eat in town.”

“Really?” Soobin’s eyes widen as he sees how small it is. “This... this is one of the cool places you frequent?”

“Of course. This is the coolest place,” Yeonjun says, and he tugs Soobin’s hand as he waltzes into the restaurant. “Fuck Michelin. This place is worth seven stars according to the Yeonjun guide.”

Soobin laughs as he follows Yeonjun’s lead. There aren’t that many seats around, so they just settle at one of the vacant spots near the back. The ajumma that owns the shop smiles sweetly at Yeonjun, and Yeonjun orders with an air of familiarity.

“Okay. Maybe this place is kind of cool,” Soobin says as he spots the big trays of tteokbokki at the counter, ready to be picked up. The ajumma tosses the coated vegetables into the deep-fryer with her practiced hands, and throughout the shop, walls are covered in love notes and signatures. Soobin pulls out his point-and-shoot, turns off the flash, and presses the shutter. There’s not a lot of light inside, so Soobin steadies his hand so that the picture won’t turn out blurry.

“You really like taking photos,” Yeonjun says, a smile tugs on his face as he cups his chin in his hand. Soobin holds himself back from snapping another picture. The lighting here is bad, he reminds himself.

“Well… we have Photography this semester.”

“That’s not the entire reason, isn’t it?” Yeonjun says, long fingers tapping on his cheek, and Soobin quickly shifts his gaze away.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean it in a bad way. It’s just purely observation,” Yeonjun says, and Soobin bites his lip.

“I guess you’re not the only observant person here,” Soobin laughs, but it comes out a little strained. “It’s true. I wanted to pursue photography professionally, like my grandfather, but I guess now it’s more like a hobby.”

“Not entirely true. I’m not very observant. I just notice things about you,” Yeonjun says. When Soobin shifts his gaze back to Yeonjun’s face, his cheeks are pink. “So tell me more about this photography thing.”

“My mom doesn’t like it, so now I’m here. Visual Communication. Doing something realistic. She’s still a bit disappointed that I didn’t want to become a lawyer like my brother, though.” Soobin shrugs. He remembers his one year carrying his camera across Southeast Asia, and his mom’s missed calls begging him to go back when he was wandering around the night market in Bangkok.

“Did you choose it because they had Photography?” Yeonjun says. Soobin’s legs shake under the table, and then stop immediately as Yeonjun looks down, a scowl pleated on his face.

“Partly,” Soobin nods. “But the truth is I didn’t know what to do with my life either,” Soobin says. “I was nineteen, and Visual Communication sounds promising. A design degree that allows me access to the darkroom. Seems like a good deal. But now it's biting me in the ass."

“May I ask why?” Yeonjun says, and there’s genuine curiosity on his face. It’s stripping Soobin off his defense, and Soobin thinks he's like an onion being peeled layer by layer.

“Well… the theory part,” Soobin shrugs. “And then there are not enough photography assignments.” There are never enough photography assignments, Soobin thinks, even when he has to hear Yunjin nag after class, and even at the library.

“You’re very passionate about photography. It makes me jealous. I wish I could be as passionate about something like that,” Yeonjun laughs, but his expression is warm, bashful even. Soobin can't help but lift up his camera. The flash goes off.

“Oops,” Soobin says when a few other people glance over at the table. The third rule of photography: be selfish. Who cares if people are disrupted. Soobin knows a beautiful photo when he sees it.

“You need to stop doing that,” Yeonjun slaps Soobin’s thigh, blinking his eyes incessantly, trying to get back to the dim-lit room.

“Sorry, it’s a habit, I swear,” Soobin laughs.

The ajumma brings out their order, just tteokbokki and fried seaweed rolls. Yeonjun doesn’t wait as he digs straight in and tosses a piece into his mouth, and then messily blows the smoke out as it gets too hot for his endurance.

“Be careful,” Soobin says, and grabs a piece of tissue as he dots Yeonjun’s mouth. “You eat like a baby.”

Yeonjun just smiles shyly, and Soobin stabs a tteok as he blows on it. The tteokbokki tastes really good, but it's quite spicy. Soobin hums in acknowledgment as he grabs a piece of fish cake. He remembers to blow on it for it to cool down.

“When you do that, you look like a bunny," Yeonjun laughs.

“Do what?” Soobin says, chewing. There’s a lot of food in his mouth, so it’s hard to speak.

“Nothing,” Yeonjun says quietly. “Bunny.”

“I do not look like a bunny,” Soobin says, stuffing more food into his mouth.

“Whatever you say,” Yeonjun laughs. He reaches out for the spoon to taste the soup, and then his facial muscles melt into a puddle. “Whoa. This is the best! It still tastes as good as I remember."

“You come here a lot?” Soobin asks as he grits his teeth because of the burn.

“Yeah,” Yeonjun says. “I used to eat here alone after school. I went to Gumi Middle School near here.”

“Alone?” Soobin arches an eyebrow at the detail. “I wouldn’t imagine you to be the lone wolf type.” Yeonjun is just so… open. Free-spirited. He seems like he would fit in anywhere, a master key. The type that doesn’t eat out alone, Soobin thinks.

“I already said that you got the wrong idea of me,” Yeonjun laughs, but it’s genuine and he doesn’t seem like he is mad. “I mean… I knew I was gay when I was really young, and the other kids… They didn't like it.”

Yeonjun’s eyes get a little bit sad, and he stares at the rice cakes for a good minute, before looking back at Soobin, blinking. “But it’s fine. I’m an only child. I’m used to it. The loneliness I mean.”

“But you have friends now, don’t you?” Soobin asks quietly. “Everyone at school knows you.”

“Well,” Yeonjun says, and he picks up his chopsticks and then drops them down. “They… know me. Sometimes I don’t think they really see me for who I am.”

“Like how I keep getting the wrong idea of you?”

Yeonjun laughs. “I’m not answering that.”

Soobin mirrors the laugh, too, and he dips a seaweed roll into the broth and places it in Yeonjun’s bowl. Yeonjun just smiles, tosses it into his mouth and chews loudly. When he’s done, he licks his lips as if he were a cat, and it unconsciously tugs the corner of Soobin’s mouth into a smile.

Most of the time, Soobin notices things about other people, and he makes his own stories about them: it’s a skill learned from photography, after all. But he can’t seem to pinpoint Yeonjun. Maybe that’s why Yeonjun fascinates Soobin so much as a subject.

“Well, you could make a friend now,” Soobin says, because Soobin enjoys people’s company in general, but he likes Yeonjun’s company a lot. Yeonjun keeps surprising him, making Soobin want to reach out for more. A chocolate box. “I don’t want to keep getting the wrong idea of you.”

“I’m flattered,” Yeonjun says, and he extends a hand and Soobin takes it, feeling the rings bracing against his palm. “A friend. I’d like that.”

[ ◉¯]

“Okay, I need your help on something,” Yeonjun says, and Soobin cocks an eyebrow as he clocks out of the library, stepping out of the reception desk. Yeonjun has maintained a habit of dropping by the library or finding Soobin after work, now, so they can walk across campus for a little bit before Soobin gets back to his dorm.

Soobin likes it: he likes to relish in the sweetness of Yeonjun’s conversations as the nosy architecture assholes glare at them from the corner of the library. He likes to listen to Yeonjun’s ramblings as the evening sun casts a shadow on his face. Soobin doesn’t bring his camera to the library often, because he’s always late for work. But whenever Yeonjun drops by, Soobin wishes he wasn’t always in a rush.

Arin nods as Soobin slings his bag across his shoulder; she’s wearing a white today, a mid-length dress that touches her knees. It's pretty.

When Soobin looks back at Yeonjun, a bead of sweat runs down his neck, and his make-up looks a little smudged. He looks like he’s in a rush, so Soobin walks a little bit faster after him toward the entrance of the library.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing is wrong,” Yeonjun rolls his eyes. “Why would you assume that there’s something wrong?”

“Your face looks like you just threw The Art of Korean Clothing into the water." Soobin opens the door for Yeonjun. He’s wearing the same tee that has the heart cut out at the back, and Soobin blushes a little.

Yeonjun laughs. “I still have the copy for The Art of Korean Clothing, and I will return it next week. It’s actually something worse,” Yeonjun says, and wraps his hand around Soobin’s wrist and drags him across the campus. “You said I could use a friend.”

“Always,” Soobin nods, and he stares at Yeonjun’s back until he almost bumps into it. Yeonjun has stopped them in front of the dance studio, and he opens the door as he whips his head back, smiling shyly.

“Okay. Then can I ask your opinion on this choreography? I’m trying out a new style.”

“But hyung, I don’t know anything about dancing.”

“That’s perfect, then,” Yeonjun smiles. “Because that means you don’t have expectations.”

Soobin just laughs, because doesn’t really have expectations. He knows how it feels to be expected: his mom’s words when he was growing up, or Professor Kim’s lingering gaze at the end of every feedback session. And the ruined films, all the ruined films. Soobin has seen how expectations ruined the good things in his life.

Yeonjun just sits Soobin in one of the chairs in the room, and moves to the middle of the studio.

“Okay,” Yeonjun takes a breath, and he turns on the music. It’s some kind of an R&B track, Soobin doesn’t really know. He just sinks deeper into his chair as Yeonjun starts his dance.

Like Yeonjun in front of the camera, Yeonjun in the studio moves with so much emotion. His moves are sharp, and then melt away, so soft. The precision in every step makes Soobin want to coo out loud, as if he was one of those touch-starved soldiers freaking out in front of a girl group member through their small television at the military base.

Except Yeonjun is not a girl group member; he’s not even a girl, but something in the way that he dances makes Soobin’s heart beat faster against his ribcage.

Around the chorus, Yeonjun lifts his shirt up lightly, and Soobin can spot the milky expanse of his waist. Soobin swallows dry.

“So, how was it?” Yeonjun asks when he's done, rubbing the back of his neck when the music stops. “Do you like it?”

“I really like it,” Soobin nods, licking his lips. “I don’t know much about the technical aspects of the dance, but you move with a lot of emotions,” Soobin says. “Your facial expressions are also really nice to look at.” He adds, because he spent one-third of his time studying Yeonjun’s face.

“Thank you,” Yeonjun says, face opening into a smile. He plays with the hem of his shirt, and looks between his panda dunks and Soobin’s face. “I know I can trust you.”

“Always,” Soobin says. "This is the first time that I saw you dance, but I can tell you put a lot of effort into it. Yeonjun hyung... you must have worked really hard."

Soobin grabs his hand, and Yeonjun’s smile becomes wider. Soobin likes how Yeonjun is gradually opening up to him, step by step, smile by smile.

This new-found friendship makes Soobin's insides giddy, because it’s a bit different than his friendships with Kai or Beomgyu. Yeonjun surprises him, because he looks rough on the outside but he’s actually… softer; and Yeonjun's soft edges make Soobin want to tell him things that he hasn't told anyone before. Like his mom's expectations, or photography.

Maybe that’s why Soobin wants to keep Yeonjun all to himself.

[ ◉¯]

Soobin rolls on his bed as Beomgyu lets out an ugly cry as his Nintendo Switch drops on his face. Soobin puts his printed photos down on the bed and crosses his legs in a dramatic manner.

"Why the fuck are you here all the time?” Soobin says. “You don’t even live here.”

“Because your roommate and I come in a package,” Beomgyu says. “And stop acting like a grumpy grandpa. It doesn’t suit you.”

“I can’t wait to move out,” Soobin says, and Beomgyu goes back to his Super Smash Bros. or Animal Crossing or whatever, Soobin couldn’t care less. In his hands, Yeonjun looks back at him with his big doe eyes, and Soobin presses his lips into a thin line. He still hasn’t shown Yeonjun the portraits he took for the class project, and Soobin puts all of them back in the envelope and stretches up to place them on the table. Maybe someday.

“By the way,” Beomgyu says amidst the sounds of K.K. Slider strumming his guitar along the Animal Crossing theme song. Beomgyu always makes so much noise, because it’s impossible for him to go through a moment without voicing every thought in his head. “We invited Taehyun on the trip.”

“Oh my god,” Soobin tugs his hair. “You invited Taehyun on the trip that was meant for only three of us? And now I have to be the fourth wheel?”

“You can invite Yeonjun hyung,” Beomgyu says. “You guys seem to be really hitting it off these days.”

“He’s a friend. Don’t make it weird,” Soobin says, and he thinks about the trip and how much of an outcast he would feel like if the three of them end up sticking to each other all the time. Maybe Yeonjun’s company isn’t that bad.

But Soobin is a little bit selfish, and he wants Yeonjun all to himself.

“Yeah. A friend, except now you spend every breathing moment hanging out with him,” Beomgyu says. “You know, Kai is sad because he thinks you’re going to replace him with Yeonjun hyung.”

“It’s because you guys already replaced me with Taehyun,” Soobin says. “Besides, it’s not like I meet him a lot.”

Last week, Soobin met up with Yeonjun only two times. One time was to accompany Yeonjun from his coffee shop to his dance practice, because Soobin happened to crave taro milk tea at the same time Yeonjun clocked out. The other time was to eat tteokbokki with Yeonjun, because the thought of Yeonjun getting tteokbokki alone doesn’t really sit well with him.

Still, it’s not enough, even when every time he meets up with Yeonjun, 12 shots of his camera are... gone, in seconds, like that. Yeonjun is just so… carefree, and it makes Soobin want to take more carefree photos. Step out of his comfort zone, or do whatever Professor Kim said.

“Because we are courting Taehyun, silly,” Beomgyu says, and he switches off his Nintendo Switch and sits up from the bed. Beomgyu opens Huening Kai’s drawer under his bed to get a pack of milk candies, and then throws Soobin a pack of gummy worms. “It’s not like you’re courting Yeonjun hyung, you know. Unless?”

“Oh my god, shut the hell up,” Soobin says, and Beomgyu peers under his bangs and gives Soobin a curious glance. It’s not the first time that Beomgyu has ever made jokes about Soobin being with a man; Beomgyu pairs Soobin with Changmin to rile him up all the time, because Changmin looks at you funny, or whatever. But Soobin’s heart beats faster in his chest today.

Maybe Soobin should ask Arin out. It will be a nice change, anyway, and then maybe Beomgyu will finally shut up.

[ ◉¯]

“You dyed your hair,” Soobin says as he drops his bag in the middle of the dance practice room, and Yeonjun halts his movements as he glances at the clock. Yeonjun has established a habit of asking Soobin for his opinions, even when Soobin has stressed many times that he has no knowledge about dancing.

Sometimes Soobin bumps into some of Yeonjun’s hoobaes when they practice together. There’s Jihoon, whose moves are sharp and stern, and Sungchan, who is quiet and tall. They all adore Yeonjun, but there’s always a distance between them. They call Yeonjun sunbae instead of hyung, and bow softly at Yeonjun every time they go home.

“You noticed,” Yeonjun says, and he flops down to the floor next to the chair where Soobin is sitting.

“It went from orange to black, so of course I noticed,” Soobin laughs, and he stares at the black strands peeking out underneath Yeonjun’s beanie. “Do people not notice these things about you?”

“I guess,” Yeonjun shrugs, but there’s a downcast in his eyes that Soobin hasn’t seen before. They have only known each other for a short time, but Soobin thinks that Yeonjun has a lot of things that he keeps to himself. He doesn’t understand why no one has noticed this before, because Yeonjun’s face is always so expressive. His eyes can’t really lie.

“How could people not notice you? You stand out, hyung.”

“Say that to my parents,” Yeonjun shrugs, and lies down as he stretches his limbs on the floor like he’s making a snow angel against the wood.

“I thought parents would notice you more if you’re an only child,” Soobin says. “It’s not like you have to compete with your other siblings for attention.”

“Not mine,” Yeonjun shrugs. “I guess it’s because they are always busy. So I competed for attention with their work. I tried to stand out but it’s no help.”

“Is that why you’re so good at many things?” Soobin asks. “And why you are so involved with so many activities on campus?”

“Kind of. It’s also because I had a lot of free time growing up, so I tried many things. But I’m not really good at them,” Yeonjun mumbles, and Soobin watches his expression turn into something sour. “Jack of many trades, master of none.”

Soobin frowns, because that is not true. “Yeonjun hyung,” he slides down on the floor and reaches for Yeonjun’s hand. “I have seen you dance. You’re excellent at it. Even a person who doesn’t dance can even tell. I don’t know why… you have this narrative about yourself.”

Yeonjun flips over and his eyes widen. The tips of his ears are red. “You really think so?”

“Why do I have to tell you these things when you’re the president of the dance club?” Soobin laughs and he pinches Yeonjun’s cheek. “Hey, it’s okay to be insecure sometimes, but you’re way too critical of yourself.”

“Ah,” Yeonjun says, and he pulls his beanie down so he can hide his face. Yeonjun must not be very good with compliments. The newly dyed black hair drips down to his eyes, and Yeonjun looks so adorable. “I guess it’s an artist’s trait. I can’t help it.”

“You’re so silly,” Soobin laughs, his hand finding Yeonjun’s, linking them together. Maybe this is why Soobin was so drawn to Yeonjun: they both know the weight of expectations, and how expectations drag their ankles down by the years.

“I don’t know why I’m telling you all of this,” Yeonjun says as he squeezes Soobin’s hand back. “Now you’re going to think that I’m an angsty loser.”

“If anyone here is an angsty loser, that will actually be me,” Soobin laughs.

“Oh ya, the entire ‘I-like-to-print-out-my-photos-because-I’m-an-nostagic-asshole’ thing. Maybe you’re really an angsty loser.”

“Hey,” Soobin says, and he uses their entangled hands as he twists Yeonjun around, and Yeonjun lets out a string of protests. “Stop teasing.”

“Okay, okay,” Yeonjun yelps as he fights back. “Let me go, bunny.”

Soobin keeps twisting his hand, and he digs his fingers into Yeonjun’s sides as he tickles Yeonjun. He pretends not to notice that his heart swirls around the pet name.

When Yeonjun finally picks himself up and starts dancing, Soobin sits still on the chair, mesmerized. The movements from Yeonjun’s body capture him; this must be how deers feel in front of headlights. It’s a good thing that he doesn’t spend that much time assuring Yeonjun that he did well, afterwards. And Soobin’s insides become lighter because this means Yeonjun has trusted him more.

Yeonjun’s cheeks still redden at Soobin’s compliments, though, and Soobin’s hands long for the camera.

“Are you free next weekend?” Soobin asks over tteokbokki when Yeonjun is done with practice.

“Yeah, why?” Yeonjun says as he blows on a piece of fish cake. “It’s off-season, so I don’t have cheerleading practices anymore. I’ll probably be free.”

“Okay,” Soobins says. “My friends and I are going camping somewhere in Choansan Mountain. Beomgyu asked if you want to join.”

“Why would Beomgyu ask me to join?” Yeonjun laughs. “Why me?”

“He was accusing that I’m spending so much time with you, so he told me that you should come too.”

“Your friends must be jealous, then,” Yeonjun laughs, and his eyes crinkle up into crescents. The spice from the tteokbokki is pinkening his face, and he looks like a peach.

“Let them be,” Soobin shrugs. “You’re just so fascinating, I guess.”

“Me… fascinating?” Yeonjun says as his lips wrap around the fish cake, his bottom lip protruding. “I guess I’m a little bit cool, but I’m just an ordinary boy trying his best.”

Ordinary. There are many words that could be used to describe Yeonjun, but ordinary is never one of them.

“Only a tiny bit cool,” Soobin says, and Yeonjun slaps his arm, pouting. Soobin picks up his chopsticks, grabs a piece of fried seaweed roll and dips it in the broth.

That night, when Soobin gets home, he takes out the photos of Yeonjun stacked neatly on his table.

Soobin flips through all of them, eyes lingering over the pictures he took of Yeonjun for the portrait assignment. Yeonjun is perched delicately on the ledge, eyes glinting up at the sky, and all Soobin sees is contrast; blue shirt and orange hair, cat-like eyes and down-turned mouth, and always surrounded by other people, and yet, he’s barely close to anyone.

Soobin is glad that Yeonjun shows him a little bit of his world, because Yeonjun is so fascinating, as a photography subject, and also as a friend. He pulls Soobin right into his orbit, and Soobin is just a clueless moon that can’t fight against Yeonjun’s magnetic force.

[ ◉¯]

“You’re late again,” Beomgyu says. “Was a ten-minute walk from your place here a demanding task, grandpa? I know senior citizens often have weaker leg muscles.”

“If I didn’t know better, I wouldn’t have guessed that Beomgyu is only a year younger than you,” Yeonjun says behind him, and Soobin's frown is completely vacant from his face.

Yeonjun is in casual clothes today, just a green tank top and washed jeans, but he looks like the most effortless person in the world. Soobin traces the usual eye makeup that Yeonjun is wearing, and he wonders how Yeonjun has all that time to get ready.

“Yeonjun hyung,” Kai chimes as he links their arms together, and drags Yeonjun away from Soobin’s point of view. “Finally I’m meeting you. Soobin hyung has been gatekeeping you from us.”

“Not true,” Soobin says, and he pretends not to see the funny look Yeonjun is giving him. “I was just looking out for Yeonjun hyung because I was afraid that you guys would annoy him.”

“We won’t annoy him. We are extremely adorable, thank you very much,” Beomgyu says as he links Yeonjun’s other free arm with his, and Soobin can feel the beginning of a migraine. He turns around and helps Taehyun, who nods at him while loading their bags into the car, and Soobin tries to swallow as Beomgyu and Kai giggle like teenage girls as Yeonjun says something to them.

There's nothing much to pack for the trip, really, because the campground provides tents and other utilities for cooking, so all Soobin and Taehyun's job is just to organize the bags between packages of single-use cutleries and plates. There's a first aid kit in there, and Soobin glances at Taehyun momentarily. Taehyun just smiles.

"Beomgyu is probably going to trip on a rock, so I packed it just in case."

Soobin laughs. Taehyun, Soobin learns, isn’t a person of many words. But his smile is very kind, and with those arms of his, he can lift really heavy stuff. Soobin likes him a lot. Their noisy friend group needs a calm puzzle like him.

When the car is loaded, Soobin stares back at Yeonjun, who's still sandwiched between Kai and Beomgyu, and he thinks Yeonjun fits right in with them, too. Yeonjun is running after Beomgyu, and Huening Kai holds him back. His skin glistens under the morning sun.

Later, as they get in the car, Soobin slots into the seat near the window in the backseat, and he glares at Beomgyu when he tries to sit next to him. His face relaxes when Yeonjun shows up at the door, and Taehyun looks at them curiously in the rearview mirror.

“Oh great, traffic jam,” Beomgyu groans as Taehyun takes a left turn into a busy street. Soobin shakes his legs as he watches the sluggish cars crowding against each other. When Yeonjun taps him lightly on the shoulder, Soobin stops. He flashes Yeonjun an apologetic grin.

Beomgyu clicks his tongue. “We’re going to be stuck here for hours. Now Soobin hyung is going to complain all the way there.”

Next to him, Yeonjun lets out a breathy laugh. “Soobin… he complains a lot? I barely hear him talk negatively about anything at all.”

Beomgyu turns over and narrows his eyes. “Are we really talking about the same Soobin?” Beomgyu says. “Because the Soobin I know can’t go through five minutes without voicing out his hatred for the world.”

“I only propose my hatred towards you, Beomgyu,” Soobin says, and as the car rocks, his hand drops to Yeonjun’s thigh. Yeonjun clasps his hand over Soobin's as he leans forward, too engrossed in the conversation with Beomgyu.

“He’s not that bad.” Yeonjun sticks his tongue out. Soobin clears his throat as he shifts in his tiny seat, and when his other hand feels too empty, he reaches for his point-and-shoot in his bag. Soobin snaps a photo, and the clack sound vibrates in the air. Yeonjun doesn't seem to mind.

“He’s very lovely to his Yeonjun hyung.” Yeonjun slaps the back of Soobin's hand, and then tightens the grip.

His Yeonjun hyung. Normally, if anyone said that about Soobin, he would have puked, but the slight tilt in Yeonjun’s voice flushes Soobin’s cheeks. He hates the fact that Taehyun’s car doesn’t have the best air conditioner.

“It’s because you’re older than him,” Kai says next to Yeonjun. “He doesn’t respect any of us.”

“Not true,” Soobin says, and his hand feels clammy underneath Yeonjun’s palm. It must be because all three of them are too tall and big for the backseat, so it's a little bit warm. “I respect Taehyun. He knows how to drive and he puts up with both of you.”

“Thanks, hyung. It’s a very tough job, you see,” Taehyun says. His eyes are a little bit shy as he looks at Soobin through the rearview mirror.

“Wait until he shows you his uglier side, Yeonjun hyung!” Beomgyu shouts. Yeonjun throws his body over Soobin’s thighs as he ruptures in a fit of laughter.

Yeonjun is so damn touchy, Soobin learns. Not that he minds, because Kai is equally touchy. It’s just… whenever Yeonjun touches him there’s something shooting along his back, as if there is a snake climbing down his spine. Soobin swallows down that feeling, nonetheless, and wriggles his hand trapped underneath Yeonjun's palm and wraps his arm around Yeonjun’s shoulders.

Yeonjun leans back into the touch. It burns.

When they arrive at the campground, they get the reserved tents from the office, and start setting them up side-by-side. It’s a difficult process, because Soobin’s hands are only used to gentle activity like pressing the shutter button, changing the lens, or prepping chemicals in the darkroom. Both Soobin and Yeonjun mess up one of the poles, just for Taehyun to come over and help them assemble everything.

It takes Soobin and Yeonjun almost an hour, and the sun blazes on his back as the trees above whisper in the wind. When their tent finally looks okay, Soobin unzips it and crashes against the hard surface, feeling the grass faintly tickling his back.

Behind them, clouds drift gently over mountains. Woods crawl around the area, a deep green that stretches forever and hugs the brown shades of the campsite.

“So we are sleeping here tonight, huh?” Yeonjun says, as he throws a pillow on Soobin’s body, and Soobin hugs it as he rolls over. “Why did I accept the invitation? I don’t even like camping.”

Soobin laughs. He’s not particularly fond of any outdoor activities, but somehow Yeonjun’s presence sends a gentle ripple in his chest. Soobin feels like a spring lake.

“Don’t nag. It’s not the activity. It’s who you spend time with,” Soobin says. “Besides, what’s not to like about camping? Being away from the city. Make a fire and cook food like the primitives. Stargaze,” Soobin thinks about tonight, and the beef that they have brought, and his stomach rumbles.

“And most importantly,” Soobin says as Yeonjun looks at him, “watch Beomgyu suffer because mosquitos like his blood the most.”

“This is Choansan. We are still within Seoul, bunny.”

“Oops,” Soobin laughs. The emptiness of the mountain is a little bit tricky, Soobin thinks. Yeonjun’s eyes become crescents again, and Soobin’s stomach is washed over with a warmth. Soobin smiles and sits up, pulling out his camera as he loads the roll of Fujifilm C200. Nothing fancy, but nature looks the best on it.

“Your friends,” Yeonjun says as he glances at the tent next to them. “I like them a lot. They make a lot of noise, but I know why you love them so much.” Yeonjun’s smile is so open, and he tucks a strand of hair behind his ear, “even when you spent the entire time making fun of Kai and glaring at Beomgyu.”

“Stop seeing through me or whatever,” Soobin protests softly, but deep down inside, he is glad that Yeonjun approves of his friends. Tenderness floods Yeonjun's eyes, and he flutters his eyelashes as he stares at Soobin funnily. He’s seeing through Soobin’s embarrassment, again.

“They could be your friends, too. It was Beomgyu’s idea to invite you, after all. We all want you here," Soobin says after a while as Yeonjun gets too silent. “Well, except for Taehyun. But I'm sure he will warm up to us soon.”

“Okay,” Yeonjun smiles, and it’s radiant. Beomgyu screams as he chases Kai on the grass, and a few other campers stare at them, whispering. Yeonjun turns back to Soobin, a smile tugs on his lips.

“I guess I can get used to this.”

“You should,” Soobin says, and he slants forwards as he wraps his hand around Yeonjun’s wrist, and pulls Yeonjun down as his fingers dig into Yeonjun’s sides. Yeonjun bursts out in a string of laughter, and Soobin likes Yeonjun like this, so much. When Yeonjun doesn't notice, Soobin grabs the camera and presses the shutter.

It won’t turn out perfect, Soobin knows, because his camera wasn’t ready. But it was worth a shot.

You should get used to me too, Soobin wants to say when they are both out of breath. Kai is Soobin’s best friend, but he wants to be Yeonjun’s best friend. Soobin is a little bit selfish like that. He hopes Yeonjun won’t mind.

[ ◉¯]

That night, they make a small campfire, and Taehyun sets up the stove as Beomgyu takes charge of cooking the meat.

“Terrible fucking idea,” Soobin says, as he tries to stay as far away from the fire. “This is the middle of summer, and I’m fucking sweating right now.”

“Did you just hear what he said, Yeonjun hyung?” Beomgyu says. “I told you. He complains a lot. He’s an old grandpa.”

Yeonjun just laughs, and as the sky darkens around him, his glow becomes softer. It’s picturesque, to the point that Soobin doesn’t really need flash to capture a perfect photo.

“Why didn’t you show your uglier side to your Yeonjun hyung before, Soobin–ah?” Yeonjun asks.

Because taking a long walk with Yeonjun under the sun feels a little more breathable. Because spicy tteokbokki suddenly doesn’t feel that hot when Yeonjun is around. It’s not the activity. It’s who he spends time with, Soobin thinks.

Soobin rolls his eyes. “Because I don’t have one.” And he pushes his cheek forward and shows Yeonjun the left side, and then the right side of his face. “See? All picture-perfect.”

“The left side is definitely a little bit uglier,” Yeonjun nods, his face stern. Soobin pouts.

“Don’t say that. That’s my best side.”

Yeonjun laughs a little. “I’m just kidding, bunny. Aren’t you a bit too full of yourself?”

“You like me, nonetheless.”

“I do,” Yeonjun says, and it doesn’t take Soobin to glance at his face to know that he’s genuine, but there’s an odd affection laced in his tone. Soobin looks away because he doesn’t want to think too much about it.

Beomgyu does end up tripping on a rock, and Kai yelps as Taehyun pulls out the first-aid kit and starts cleaning his wound. They fit together so perfectly, and the scene tugs a smile on the corner of Soobin’s mouth as he watches from the sidelines.

But still, there’s this uneasy feeling rising in his chest. Soobin knows he shouldn’t be jealous; it’s not like Kai and Beomgyu will leave him behind since they have another partner, now, but he really can’t help how he feels.

Soobin glances at Yeonjun who’s strolling in front of their tents as he snaps a few photos of the surrounding area, mouth opening in a small ‘o’ as he glances up to the trees. At least Soobin has Yeonjun now, he thinks.

The beef is surprisingly good, and Soobin’s eyes widen in awe because he has half-expected Beomgyu to fuck it up. When they are done with the meal, Kai takes care of the trash, and all of them lie down in their tents as they peek at the night sky.

“Too bad your camera can’t capture this,” Yeonjun says, and he reaches for the soju bottles as he cracks open one, mixing it with the leftover beer in his plastic cup. “What a missed opportunity.”

“There are things that are better seen with my own eyes,” Soobin looks at Yeonjun, but Yeonjun is too busy staring at either Orion or Andromeda or whatever. There are so many sparkles today: the dots above in the dark sky, and Yeonjun’s eyes. Soobin thinks he’s a little bit drunk.

“Your ears are red,” Soobin says, and he reaches over as he plays with Yeonjun’s earrings. The silver is cold against his finger, and then Soobin’s hand unconsciously traces down Yeonjun’s jaw. Yeonjun’s breath hitches.

“No, I won’t do that,” Kai yelps next to them, and the moment breaks. Soobin retracts his hand, and he lifts his face up to look at Orion or Andromeda or whatever. His eyes are so blurry; he doesn’t even know where he’s supposed to look. He just feels the flush on his cheeks, and the beating of his heart against his ribcage.

“Ya. Ya. What are you guys trying to do?” Yeonjun shouts.

“They dared me to go to the woods, hyung,” Kai says as both Taehyun and Beomgyu climb up on top of Kai’s body, pinning him now. “And now they're trying to drag me– Ah! I say I won’t do that. Never! Not until I die under your arms! Not until Soobin hyung asks Arin noona out! It’s not happening!”

“Oh,” Soobin says, and a cold washes over his body, despite it is still the middle of summer. “Um,” he glances at Yeonjun, to see Yeonjun is staring at his hands. His eyes droop a little.

“Arin…" Yeonjun says. "She’s doing ceramics, right? The girl who works with you at the library?"

“That’s her,” Soobin clears his throat. All his friends know about the Arin thing, Yunjin included, and she’s only half-a-friend (I’m not friends with straight men, she said). So Soobin shouldn’t feel embarrassed about this. Yeonjun is a friend, right? Friends should tell each other everything.

But his chest tightens, because for some reason, he doesn’t want Yeonjun to know. Soobin is selfish for all the wrong reasons when it comes to Yeonjun.

“What do you like about her?” Yeonjun asks, and he plays with his rings. Soobin suddenly has this urge to hold Yeonjun’s hand, just to feel the coolness of the rings again. His mind is dizzy; it’s time to go to sleep.

“Sorry, come again?” Focus. Soobin, focus.

“What do you like about Arin?” Yeonjun clears his throat. His voice becomes deeper, and he drifts his face away.

Now that Soobin thinks about it, he doesn’t even know anymore. It must be because she wears a lot of summer dresses, and boys are supposed to like girls who wear summer dresses, right?

“She’s pretty, I guess,” Soobin finally says, and peels his gaze away from Yeonjun’s fingers. He rests a hand on his forehead, and tries to come up with the reasons why he liked Arin in the first place. “And she’s nice.”

His mom would like Arin, Soobin thinks. Arin would make the perfect daughter-in-law. Maybe that's why.

“Nice shouldn’t be a good reason to like someone, Soobin-ah,” Yeonjun says. “Nobody likes nice.”

“What should be a good reason to like someone then?” Soobin steals a glance at Yeonjun’s dimly illuminated face.

“I don’t know, bunny,” Yeonjun says, and this time when he looks at Soobin, his lips are pressed into a thin line. Soobin doesn’t like how Yeonjun is wearing the expression. “You should get back to me when you find the answer.”

[ ◉¯]

The tent is quite small for two giant men. Their bodies press tight together as the cicadas whisper in the trees. The grass is cool beneath Soobin’s spine; the air smells like peppermint, Yeonjun’s pear cologne, and grape soju.

Yeonjun snores in his sleep, and he tosses and turns every five minutes. Occasionally, a frown tucks in the space between his eyebrows, and he mewls as he reaches for Soobin’s arm. A bad dream must be disrupting his sleep, but he looks so cute, so Soobin scoots over and studies the range of expressions on Yeonjun’s face.

Even when Yeonjun is asleep, he can’t stay still. Soobin is glad that he has been accustomed to the darkroom growing up, so that his eyes are well-trained to places where the light can’t reach.

Like the shadows tucked in Yeonjun’s frown. Soobin holds back the urge to smudge the crease away, and he stares at Yeonjun’s face for a while until Yeonjun’s snores lull him to sleep.

[ ◉¯]

When Soobin wakes up, the space beside him is empty. His T-shirt clings to his frame, sticky.

With a frown, he stretches his body and slowly climbs out of his tent. Kai is doing his morning stretches outside, and Taehyun is reading his book. Both don’t have a shirt on.

“Are you looking for Yeonjun hyung?” Taehyun asks, as if he can also read minds, and Soobin’s breath is caught in his throat. “He’s in the woods.”

“Okay. Don’t flash the other campers. Put something on. I’ll go find Yeonjun hyung in a bit.” Taehyun nods at Soobin in acknowledgment, and Soobin grabs his toothbrush and towel as he moves to the common bathroom to take a shower. The water runs cold on his skin, and it freshens his mind a little bit.

When Soobin is done, he drops his stuff at the tent, and then stares at the forgotten camera in his bag before picking it up, making his way to the woods surrounding the area. It’s still quiet there; the first sunlights cut the dark blue sky in half, and when Soobin walks along the trail, he finds Yeonjun on a patch of grass.

Yeonjun has taken off his shirt. A tiny smile tugs in his face as he slants up at the sun.

He’s so ethereal. Golden rays dip on his back, setting his hair on fire, and Soobin forgets how to breathe. Yeonjun’s waist is tiny: dipped small in the middle, the skin soft and cool like milk. It’s not really like a girl’s, now that he has taken a closer look at it, because Yeonjun is still a boy with edges and ridges, but it still looks so delicate. Soobin’s mouth goes dry.

He fidgets with his camera, an unasked question on his lips, and Yeonjun turns around. “Oh.”

Soobin takes a deep breath and regains his composure. He runs his hand through his hair and tries not to stare too intensely. “I almost didn't notice you without a shirt on. Are you a cat basking in the sun?”

“Adopt me, Soobin-ah. I’m a wild cat. Nobody wants me,” Yeonjun raises his voice higher, sort of like a child. “This is really nice, by the way, you should join me.”

Yeonjun makes grabby hands and his eyes crinkle up. He isn’t wearing make-up this morning, and the blemishes of his skin make him look tender. The sun kisses the apples of his cheeks, and he looks more like a painting than the boy that Soobin knows.

Soobin is afraid that his camera won’t do Yeonjun justice, but he asks anyway. “Can I take a photo?”

“I didn’t know you knew how to ask?” Yeonjun laughs, tilting his head back and then pointing to his shirt. “Do I need to put on a shir–?”

“No, this is perfect.” Soobin presses the shutter, and when Yeonjun turns his head lightly, he takes another one. And another one. And another one. Soobin doesn’t know if his aperture is open enough for Yeonjun’s light to pass through, because he’s so bright.

“You really need to stop wasting your film. They’re not cheap,” Yeonjun says shyly, and he hides his face in his knees as Soobin finally lowers his camera, feeling it bump into his chest, where his heart is beating so fast. It must be because of the lack of breakfast.

“Aren’t you glad you got a personal photographer? For your curated Instagram feed?”

“You never sent me the photos,” Yeonjun says. “I had to use the retakes from your phone. You’re terrible at taking phone photos, by the way.”

“Because I don’t care about phone photos,” Soobin says as he approaches Yeonjun, and lowers down to the spot next to him. “Do I also need to take off my shirt, or?"

“Um,” Yeonjun says, and when Soobin peers over, he tries his best not to stare at Yeonjun’s chest. The grass feels cool underneath his palms.

This shouldn’t make Soobin’s heart beat faster. He has seen a lot of shirtless men before – Kai, Beomgyu, and even Taehyun this morning. But maybe it’s because the sun is gleaming on Yeonjun’s skin so delicately that Soobin’s cheeks are flushed.

“I’m keeping it on,” Soobin says. “Unlike you, I have some self-respect.”

“Please,” Yeonjun rolls his eyes. “You just don’t have abs like me.”

Soobin tries not to be obvious that he’s glancing, but he thinks Yeonjun knows, anyway. “I don’t see the abs that you are talking about.”

It’s not like Soobin is seeing the abs, too, all he sees is skin and skin and skin, and it’s too much. Soobin licks his lips, and Yeonjun’s eyes are glued on his movement, before drifting away.

The sun has risen above the horizon, and Soobin props his weight on his elbows as he lies down on the grass. He shouldn’t be doing this – he just took a shower, but Soobin doesn’t really mind getting dirt dusted on his skin so he can bask in the sun with Yeonjun a little bit more.

Soobin knows he won’t complain about this.

[ ◉¯]

“Ooh, softcore porn,” Yunjin chimes as she rests her elbows on the table, eyes widening comically at Soobin. “Don’t you think this is too much of stepping out of your comfort zone, Choi Soobin?”

Beomgyu turns over, and his mouth gapes as he spots the photos on Soobin's table. “Soobin hyung, I didn’t know you were the kinky type, or else we would have asked you for a foursome.”

“TMI, this fucking bitch,” Yunjin leans over and slaps the back of Beomgyu’s head, and Soobin questions his taste in friends.

“Oh my god, do you guys ever shut up?” Soobin groans, and lies down on the table so Beomgyu can stop staring at the shots. These are so… vulnerable. That morning with Yeonjun in the woods was magical to Soobin, and he regrets bringing them to the feedback session.

These should be for his eyes only.

Soobin is heating up. This is not good. Professor Kim chooses that moment to save his life again, and Soobin lets out a huge sigh and sinks back to his chair, shoulders relaxed. He brushes his hair out of his face and glances at the photo of Yeonjun’s back.

It printed out beautifully. The film Soobin has chosen gives the photo a subtle green hue, but Yeonjun’s skin is still as golden as Soobin remembers.

“Nice job,” Professor Kim stares at the sequence for a while. “These are beautiful, but I like this the most.”

He picks up the photo near the end of the sequence and hands it to Soobin. It’s nothing special, really, just Yeonjun’s eyes staring distantly above the camera, and a little hint of his nose. His jawline is out-of-focus, and it makes the entire picture soft and hazy. The sun gleams in Yeonjun’s brown eyes, and his face is open. It’s one of Soobin’s favorites.

“You took this on a whim, didn’t you? The lighting is a bit dim,” Professor Kim says, and Soobin nods.

“I did. I messed up the aperture,” Soobin admits. Being around Yeonjun always makes Soobin forget about his rules. He just wants to take and take photos.

“That’s what I like about it. It’s so… caught-in-the-moment,” Professor Kim says. “It's this boy again… You adore him, don’t you?”

Soobin unconsciously gulps.

“He’s a dear friend,” Soobin says. They haven’t known each other for a long time, but Soobin thinks he can say that. “Sometimes I hesitate before I take a photo, but with him, I can see a perfect hundred shots.”

“Maybe he’s your muse,” Professor Kim laughs, and Soobin rubs the back of his neck.

“But he’s a… boy.” A very delicate one, but still with ridges and edges and a boyish roughness.

“Soobin,” Professor Kim furrows his eyebrows. “What did we say about male photographers with female muses? We had this discussion in class.”

“The male gaze,” Soobin replies softly, and looks at his fingers instead. “John Berger.”

“Exactly.” Professor Kim’s mouth edges up in a smile. “Besides, there’s nothing wrong with finding your inspiration in a boy. Beauty is beauty no matter where you look.”

Maybe, but… it’s weird when Professor Kim quoted it like that. Soobin can appreciate a beautiful man without wanting him.

“Well,” Soobin thinks about it for a second. “He definitely inspired me.”

“I can tell,” Professor Kim smiles, and Soobin wants the Earth to open up and swallow him whole because Soobin is here to show his works, not to talk about Yeonjun. It’s a difficult subject. Maybe if Soobin didn’t think about Yeonjun all the time, he could have more space in his mind to form better words, and then he could talk about Yeonjun with more eloquence.

Professor Kim searches Soobin’s face again, and then thumbs his fingers along the table. “You know, sometimes a photograph reveals a lot of truths. You don’t really need to explain much because you have your proof here.” Professor Kim points to the shot.

Soobin’s mouth is dry. Whatever that means.

“Sorry, did Susan Sontag say this, Professor? Or let me guess… John Berger?” Soobin asks after a while, “because you know I don’t have the memory for art critique.”

Professor Kim drums his fingers on the surface of the table, and looks at the cuff of his shirt. “Could be Berger, I think,” he says after a beat of pondering. “But it mostly stems from personal experience.” He smiles at Soobin, but it’s all frayed.

“See you around, Soobin,” Professor Kim says as he ruffles Soobin’s hair, and then moves on to the next student. Before he goes, he lingers around the edge of Soobin's table, eyes filled with contemplation. “Keep taking photos next term, too, even when you don't have Photography. You have an eye for it. Yours are always my favorite.”

[ ◉¯]

The break isn’t particularly fun. Soobin comes back to Ansan and he doesn’t do much, just lounging around the house as his sister nags. Occasionally, his brother asks Soobin about the future, and when will Soobin finally settle down with a nice and pretty girl. As usual, Soobin chooses between his two standard responses: I don’t know and Not now, hyung. I will think about that later.

Soobin is just twenty. Future is an unfathomable task that he doesn’t want to think about.

At least his mom talks to him more often, now. It’s always a good sign. Their relationship definitely got better since Soobin returned from his backpacking trip and started going to college like a good son that he should be. But most of the time, Soobin just stays in his room and watches anime. Sometimes, he plays League of Legends with Beomgyu and gets updates from Yeonjun’s trip.

Yeonjun is in Taiwan with his family. It’s beautiful there. You would like Kaohsiung, Yeonjun texts him, as he sends a selfie of himself and the sea. Yeonjun is completely shirtless in the photo, but he only shows his shoulder blades. There’s a blue patch of the ocean peeking behind him, and Soobin scrunches his nose because it’s so off-centered. Soobin wishes he was there with his SLR so he could take better photos of Yeonjun.

Kaohsiung. Soobin places his phone on the table as he opens a new tab to look up Kaohsiung. Kaohsiung is also a port city, like Bangkok, and Soobin glances at the photo of Bangkok port framed on his desk.

It's a bit blurry, because Soobin took it at night. Soobin can see the ships blinking at sea; broken dots that melt against the dark backdrop, and so far away.

He took a lot of photos of Bangkok, and all the cities he went through on his trip: Yangon, Siem Reap, and Chiang Mai, but Soobin likes Bangkok the most. Maybe it was because in Bangkok, Soobin felt the most free. Bangkok is a populated city, and everywhere Soobin went, he was constantly surrounded by so many from so many places; they made him forget about home for a while.

Soobin doesn't really travel out of the country, but he wishes he could do it more. The trip was funded entirely by his savings throughout high school, and Soobin spent everything on film and accommodations; he ate at markets and on the side of the streets and convenience stores, but those were the most memorable places. He printed out the photos and kept them on his walls, and every time he's back in Ansan, nostalgia bubbles up in his chest, even when he has outgrown his angsty teenage self.

Another text bings his phone. The sea is really nice! We should go to the sea next semester, when the weather gets warmer.

Sokcho? We should go! Soobin texts back. Wait, never mind, I don’t even know how to swim.

Isn’t it not the activity, but who you spend your time with?

Soobin laughs. He closes the Wikipedia page of Kaohsiung and sends a message to Beomgyu that he needs to log off the game. He isn’t really paying attention, anyway. Well, it is definitely the activity if I’m the one drowning.

Prince Yeonjun will save you! ᕦ(ò_óˇ) Yeonjun texts. Yeonjun texts with a lot of emoticons, and they always send a strange giddiness straight to the pit of Soobin’s stomach. Don’t you worry, bunny!

Prince Yeonjun is literally smaller than me, Soobin curls his body in halves and smiles to himself. He looks like a fool, but there’s no Beomgyu or Yunjin here to roll their eyes at him, so Soobin lets himself be. Don’t talk about yourself in third person. You are a twenty-one-year-old man.

Don’t be a grandpa! Nobody likes a grandpa. I should have listened to Beomgyu, comes Yeonjun’s text, and it is followed by. /ᐠᵕ̩̩̥ ‸ᵕ̩̩̥ ᐟ\ﾉ. Suddenly, Soobin is looking forward to the second term, even when there’s no Photography class.

[ ◉¯]

Yeonjun’s birthday falls on a windy day in September. It’s the first week after the break.

At the mall, Soobin picks out a pair of earrings, and a necklace with a little cat on it, because it reminds Soobin of that day when Yeonjun was basking in the sun, and all of Yeonjun’s sulky cat emoticons. He stares at them for half an hour, and Beomgyu groans.

“Are you sure hyung would like this?” Soobin asks, and Beomgyu just rolls his eyes as he moves to try on the sunglasses.

“I’m pretty sure hyung would like anything you give him,” Beomgyu says, and there’s a hint of mystery laced in Beomgyu’s voice. Beomgyu must know things that he doesn’t know about.

Soobin swallows it away.

On the day of the birthday, Soobin gets a cake at Tous Les Jours. Just a plain one with strawberries on top, because he knows that Yeonjun doesn’t go all out with his dessert, based on Yeonjun’s reaction to the sweet treats that Soobin likes to indulge sometimes.

They decided to arrive at Yeonjun’s place an hour before the agreed time, because Huening Kai likes surprise parties, and Soobin holds his breath as Taehyun fixes the birthday hat on Soobin’s head.

Soobin looks like a clown, but he doesn’t bother to take it off, because he is too busy steadying the cake in his palms. They get clammier the more he stands.

“Who the fuck–” Yeonjun opens the door, eyes widen, and Soobin counts down and starts the song. His voice cracks at the bridge as Beomgyu yells too loud into his ears, and Yeonjun’s face gets softer. Yeonjun hasn’t had time to put on his eyeliner, but he still looks as gorgeous as ever.

“Make a wish, hyung,” Huening Kai says, and Yeonjun leans near the flame. He looks at Soobin for a moment before he closes his eyes, and Soobin can make out the peppermint of his toothpaste as he blows on the candles.

Yeonjun’s face is puffed, and his mouth looks plump as his lip gloss glistens when Beomgyu takes a photo with his phone, with flash on. Soobin wishes he wasn’t in charge of holding the cake, because his hands are itching for the camera, too. Yeonjun's smile gets bigger and sweeter, and the snake is climbing down Soobin's spine, again.

“You guys fucking scared me,” Yeonjun says later as they settle on the couch. Soobin drifts his eyes around as he checks out the place. Yeonjun’s place is cozy, just small enough for a university student, but big enough to store all of his hobbies, and five growing boys. In the corner, there is a bike, some fishing gear, an electric guitar, a sewing machine, and two baskets of unwashed clothes.

Soobin laughs, he wonders how many fucking hobbies Yeonjun has.

Yeonjun’s voice drifts to his ears. “I didn’t even have time to prep the food.”

“What do you want to cook? We can help you,” Beomgyu chimes and moves to the kitchen, and Soobin sighs exasperatedly.

“You’re going to set Yeonjun hyung’s kitchen on fire,” Soobin says, but Huening Kai has started to wash the vegetables, and Taehyun has turned on the stove for the seaweed soup.

“I also ordered fried chicken,” Yeonjun says, leaning back against the kitchen wall as Soobin makes his way inside.

“Fried chicken and seaweed soup are a terrible pair,” Soobin whispers. “Seaweed soup brings good health and longevity. Eating fried food will cancel it out.”

“Where’s the sweet Soobinnie that I used to know?” Yeonjun elbows him. “Nobody likes a grumpy grandpa.”

“It’s because I care for your health,” Soobin says. “But it’s your birthday, so I will stop complaining.”

“Is that my present?” Yeonjun asks, fingers twirling around a strand of hair.

“No,” Soobin licks his lip. “Your present is me.”

Yeonjun laughs, and Soobin pretends he doesn’t see the red creeping up the tips of Yeonjun’s ears.

The seaweed soup turns out pretty amazing, and Soobin’s eyes widen as he pours himself another ladle. Taehyun turns out to be magically resourceful, and Soobin doesn’t understand why he fell right into Beomgyu and Kai’s trap.

“You’re eating all of Yeonjun hyung’s birthday soup.” Kai nags, but he still grabs the ladle from Soobin’s hand as he gets another serving.

“I’m a growing boy,” Soobin mumbles around his spoon.

“You’re a grandpa, and grandpas don’t need to grow,” Beomgyu takes the ladle from Kai.

“I don’t mind,” Yeonjun says. “My mom always made a lot of seaweed soup growing up. It’s nice to share it with someone else.” The tips of Yeonjun’s ears turn red as he glances at Soobin momentarily, and Soobin clears his throat.

Yeonjun’s hair has gotten a bit long now, the ends sticking to his neck and Soobin wants to run his fingers through it, to see the softness of Yeonjun’s hair underneath his palm. Instead, Soobin puts down his bowl and takes out the camera from his crossbody bag. He presses the shutter.

The flash goes off.

“You’re turning all of us blind,” Yeonjun says as he blinks continuously, trying to reorient to the dimness of the room.

“Give us a warning next time, hyung,” Beomgyu slaps his back, and Soobin just laughs.

“Absolutely not, because then you will pose, and then I can’t take a picture of your ugly face,” Soobin says, and across from him, Yeonjun’s eyes crinkle up, again. Soobin can't help himself but take another shot.

They cut the cake open. Soobin’s heart swells up in his ribcage as Yeonjun’s face becomes all mushy when he tastes the cake. It reassures Soobin that he has made a good choice.

A bit of frosting dots on the corner of Yeonjun's mouth, and he darts his tongue back and forth as he licks it off. Soobin’s eyes unconsciously follow the movement, before he catches himself doing it, and turns his head away.

The soju was Beomgyu’s idea, because getting drunk on a birthday is a must-need for a college student, apparently.

“Where’s the beer?” Yeonjun asks, as he crouches down and scours the fridge. One of his eyebrows moves up, and he looks like some sort of a comic character. Soobin will never stop being awestruck at Yeonjun’s range of expressions.

“Ah,” Yeonjun’s face melts into a smile, brows straightened. Soobin wonders if there’s a shutter speed that is fast enough to capture all of Yeonjun’s existence. Soobin gets the beer, and then he mixes it with the soju, before handing it to Yeonjun.

“Thank you,” Yeonjun says, and Soobin just shrugs.

“It’s just mixing beer with soju.”

“No, I mean for… all of this, bunny,” Yeonjun says, his voice small as he flits his gaze to the boys cuddling up on the floor, eyes glued to the iPad. “I told you. I don’t really have close friends.”

Soobin knows. He sees it. Whenever he walks with Yeonjun across campus, it is guaranteed that they will bump into someone that Yeonjun knows and Yeonjun will greet them with a smile. But somehow, the conversations stay on the surface. How are you? and Okay I’m good too! and See you at practice. There’s always some sort of roughness to Yeonjun whenever he does that, but with them, Yeonjun’s eyes are softer, his shoulders eased. Soobin likes this Yeonjun more.

“Soobin-ah… Can I tell you something?” Yeonjun says, and he puts his cup on the small kitchen counter as he leans back, his back straight.

“Of course,” Soobin says, and moves a bit closer so Huening Kai’s laugh won’t grain their conversation.

“I know it’s a superstition that I shouldn’t tell anyone my birthday wish, because it won’t come true,” Yeonjun says. “But I don’t really believe in superstitions. Besides, I really didn’t wish for anything.”

“Why didn’t you wish for anything?” Soobin’s eyes widen. Personally, Soobin wouldn’t even skip a wish; he doesn’t have that many chances in a year to begin with.

Yeonjun bites down on his lip. "Because for once, my life is exactly how I want it to be,” Yeonjun says, and he stops staring at the spot on the floor and flits his gaze to Soobin. His expression is warm. “I didn’t really have a lot of friends, you see.”

"You keep people at arm's length, don't you?" Soobin says. "Everyone on campus knows you, but they don't really know you."

Yeonjun laughs. "You're so observant sometimes that it's scary. Maybe that's why it's easy to open up to you, because you see everything." Yeonjun looks at his cup. "I don’t know. I didn't really feel the need to get close to anyone, because I have been so used to bottling everything to myself. But with you, I just can't stop but softening my heart."

"Hyung," Soobin says, and he elbows Yeonjun's shoulder. Soobin wants to tell Yeonjun that there are things that he has never told anyone besides Yeonjun, too, but Yeonjun opens his mouth again.

"Maybe that's why I'm a little bit jealous of your friends."

That makes Soobin laugh a little, because Yeonjun is so silly.

“Those losers? Hyung, come on,” Soobin turns around so now he's facing Yeonjun eye-to-eye, and he holds Yeonjun's hands in both of his palms.

“Yes, but, they can go to you when they’re sad,” Yeonjun says, and he trembles a little against Soobin’s touch. “I don’t have anyone to go to when I’m sad.”

“Well. You have me now, right?” Soobin says. “Besides, Kai and Beomgyu got Taehyun now. It’s just… I’m scared sometimes that they will forget me when I’m sad, too. Their bond is different.” Soobin turns around and looks at how well they fit together.

Yeonjun's hand slips under Soobin’s hold, and it floats over and ruffles Soobin's hair. “They won’t. Because that’s so unreasonable, bunny– It’s not easy to forget you, Soobin. You’re so… memorable.” Yeonjun says, and then he brushes Soobin’s hair back, and Soobin pretends he doesn’t hear the loud beating of his heart. “Besides, you also have me now, don’t you?”

“You're so sappy,” Soobin says. But when Yeonjun tightens the grip on Soobin's hand, Soobin wants to say that Yeonjun is always worth remembering, too. Maybe that is why Soobin likes to photograph Yeonjun so much. Take a picture, it lasts forever.

[ ◉¯]

That night, Soobin doesn’t want to go home. He lingers near the door, and he holds onto Yeonjun’s shoulders as he slots into his shoes. The alcohol floats in his entire system, lifts up his being, and for once, Soobin is glad that he is drunk, because he can finally hide the blush on his face because Yeonjun is so near.

Yeonjun is also red, too, and Soobin is glad that he didn’t have Agfa 200 in his point-and-shoot today, or else Yeonjun would have looked like a tomato.

“Guys,” Yeonjun says, voice slurred, and he holds Soobin’s hand as Soobin stumbles a little. Soobin's eyes are blurry, and his black shoes almost merge into the darkness. “I’m glad that I spent my birthday with you guys.”

“Thank you for inviting us, hyung,” Kai says, as he wraps his arm around Beomgyu's waist, who is almost falling asleep on Kai's shoulder. “Even when the number of people who showed up to the party can be counted with one hand.”

“Ah, Hyuka. I don't really need anyone else because I already have you,” Yeonjun says, and he slumps forward, brushes Huening Kai’s hair out of his face, and kisses his forehead. His other hand is still firmly wrapped around Soobin's fingers.

Yeonjun is an emotional drunk, Soobin learns. It’s adorable.

When Yeonjun flits his gaze back to Soobin, his hold tightens, and Soobin would do anything to stop the snake from climbing down his spine. “But I’m really thankful for all of you, really.” Yeonjun says, eyes still fixed on Soobin.

[ ◉¯]

The weather turns cold after that. Between trips to the CU down the streets for essentials and running late to the library, Yeonjun sneaks his way into Soobin’s life even more. He starts actually studying at the library, egging his fabric swatches and technical drawings all over the common table opposite the reception desk in the library. An odd one out among the architecture majors, who occasionally shoot Yeonjun dagger glares.

Sometimes, Yeonjun only comes with a laptop as he scrunches his nose over a fashion designer software. Today, he just comes by and checks out a few books.

“Do fashion designer majors need to read this much?” Soobin jokes as he scans them with the machine. “Let me see… How Marketing Changed the Clothing Business Forever and When Fashion Meets Socialism, huh?”

“I hate you,” Yeonjun says, his ears flush red and Yunjin glares at them from the corner of her eye as she organizes the Art and Criticism bookshelf.

“You don’t,” Soobin says, “because we have dinner plans tonight.”

“You’re insufferable,” Yeonjun says, a smile tugging on the corner of his mouth. “I don’t know why I became friends with you,” Yeonjun says, and when he looks at a spot behind Soobin’s shoulder, his brows furrow. The frown instantly melts into a soft smile when he flicks his gaze back to Soobin.

“See you tonight, bunny,” Yeonjun says, and turns around and sprints to the door, his scarf almost falling off his frame. Soobin clicks his tongue. He should have fixed it when he had the chance.

When Soobin looks behind his shoulder to check Yeonjun's source of distraction, he spots Arin flipping through her book as she glances at him momentarily. She shoots him a tiny, shy smile.

“Look, Choi Soobin.” Yunjin taps his shoulders later as she crosses her arms. “You need to stop flirting with men if you don’t have the intention of pursuing them.”

“What do you even know?” Soobin says, and he shoves a book on the shelf with a little bit more force than he’d love to. “We are friends, and that was just friendly banter.”

“He definitely likes you,” Yunjin sighs, and drops the book she's holding back in the cart. She massages her temples as if Soobin is giving her a headache. “And you know it. You’re just pretending that you have no clue.”

Of course Soobin knows it. He sees it. He sees the way Yeonjun looks at him and how it’s different from when he looks at Kai or Taehyun or Beomgyu. He sees the doubts that Yeonjun throws at Arin every time he lingers around the library. He sees the way Yeonjun stares at his lips.

He feels it. He feels it in the way Yeonjun squeezes his hand, sometimes. He feels it in the softness when Yeonjun ruffles his hair. He feels it in the strong gaze every time Yeonjun looks in his direction, because Yeonjun’s eyes never lie.

Affection can’t really be subtle, just like camera flash.

“I’m not like that,” Maybe Soobin is just a little bit selfish. He wants Yeonjun to keep liking him while keeping their friendship safe and secure.

“Dude, you’re going to fuck him up.”

“No I won’t?” A frown tucks on Soobin’s forehead, because what the fuck? “I care for his happiness… as a friend. Yunjin," Soobin sighs. "You really need to stop making everything gay.”

“Oh my god, don’t be a fucking bitch. You have no right to say that.” Yunjin slaps his arm, and Soobin yelps in pain. “You’re just lying to yourself because of whatever reason you made up in your head.”

“No, I don’t,” Soobin pouts. Soobin can appreciate a beautiful man without wanting him, right? “You’re being so mean to me for no reason, Huh Yunjin.”

“Look at you, being a big pouty boy all over again,” Yunjin says, and she picks up the book as she slots it into the right spot. “You’re just mad that I’m right.”

Yunjin’s words balloon in his ears, and Soobin closes his eyes.

[ ◉¯]

“What can I get for you?” Yeonjun says, eyes crinkling up as he wipes his hands in his brown aprons.

“A taro milk tea with–”

“I got it,” Yeonjun’s smile grows wider. “And a Yeonjun in fifteen minutes?”

“Of course,” Soobin smiles. Yeonjun always remembers. Soobin shoves his hand in his bag and fidgets with his camera while waiting for his drink, and as his last slurp, Yeonjun emerges from the door with his scarf hung carelessly around his neck.

Soobin clicks his tongue. He pulls Yeonjun by the arm and fixes Yeonjun's scarf properly, and then runs his hand through Yeonjun's hair as a few strands peek up. It must have been a rough day at work.

Yeonjun lets out a sharp breath, before blinking up at Soobin and then pulling away from the touch. He stares at his shoes for a second, and then his face lights up, again.

“Let’s go, bunny,” Yeonjun walks out first, and doesn't tug at Soobin's hand like usual.

“Wait for me,” Soobin says after him. Soobin strides his legs as he catches up with Yeonjun. Yeonjun’s scarf is the color of a plum, a great contrast with his jeans jacket, and that makes Soobin slide his camera out of his bag and snap a quick photo.

“Lemme take a photo of you, too,” Yeonjun says after the flash goes off, and Soobin hands him the camera.

“What do I do with this?” Yeonjun’s eyes widen in awe as he observes the machine in his palms. “Do I just…?”

“It’s a point-and-shoot, so you press the button here,” Soobin scoots over as he points at the shutter button, glancing at Yeonjun's protruding lips. They grow plump and pink in the cold.

“Okay,” Yeonjun grins sheepishly. “Now move out of the way.” He shoves Soobin away and Soobin wears his best smile. The flash goes off, and then, Soobin feels something cold against the tip of his nose.

“Oh?” Soobin looks up at the sky to see little snowflakes sprinkling down on the Earth, and when he flits his gaze back to Yeonjun, his hair is slightly powdered.

"Oops," Yeonjun says. His skin glows, and for a second, Yeonjun seems like he belongs to a snow globe. A figure under tempered glass, gleaming, and so far away.

It’s beautiful. Soobin will remember this forever, even when he doesn’t have his camera in his hands.

“First snow,” Yeonjun jumps up in the air like a child. His cheeks are red, and full, peaches at the farmer’s market. Yeonjun spins around, and for a second reds and whites take over Soobin’s world as Yeonjun flicks in and out of his vision. So fast. So fast.

“You should make a wish, Soobin-ah.” The wind chimes in Yeonjun’s voice ring lovely in his ears, and Soobin closes his eyes and clasps his hands together as he makes a wish. When the cold wraps around his cheeks, Soobin wishes that he will be a little bit less selfish, so both of them can be happy.

[ ◉¯]

The movie is alright. It’s another story about two characters falling in love, a man who is a little bit boring and a woman who shakes his world – that’s all movies talk about, really. Soobin prefers to munch on the caramel popcorn more and watches the expressions on Yeonjun’s face go from gaping to laughing to rightfully sobbing, in the span of five minutes.

Soobin shakes his legs throughout the first half of the movie, but for once, Yeonjun doesn’t seem to mind.

The screen blues Yeonjun’s face, casting shadows on his neck and Soobin sees ocean and lakes and blue skies and he’s pretty sure it’s not coming from the movie flashing in front of him. He shoves his hand into the popcorn just to find Yeonjun’s warm fingers digging around, and the snake is climbing down his spine, again.

It’s a shame that you can’t take photos in movie theaters; Soobin isn’t really interested in illegally distributing a boring movie, per se. He’s more interested in capturing the range of Yeonjun’s emotions, even when it’s quite an impossible task for an old, clanky SLR camera that has been through many winters, really.

When they finish the movie, the world is enveloped in white. Yeonjun’s breath frosts the air, and he rubs his hands together as their shoulders bump all the way home. Soobin glances at Yeonjun’s neck to see that he’s wearing the cat necklace that Soobin has given him. It glints, and Soobin's insides are warm.

“Do you want to get some beer?” Yeonjun says. “It will warm us up.”

Soobin nods. They walk to the convenience store near campus. Soobin gets two onigiris because he’s a hungry boy, and two big cans of Asahi. Yeonjun settles for an indie beer, a white ale designed in vibrant packaging with a pretty illustration of a bear. Beomgyu would collect this can for the design.

In the cold, the onigiri feels numb in his hand, but Soobin doesn’t really mind. Soobin finishes his last onigiri as Yeonjun finishes the beer, his face all scrunched up. “The last sip is always the worst,” Yeonjun says, using the back of his hand to wipe his mouth.

Soobin isn’t tipsy, because even when he's only been drinking for more than a year, his body needs a few more beers to reach that state, but his head is a little bit dizzy. Maybe it was the lack of dinner, or the fatigue from work, or maybe it's the cold. They share the last Asahi between them, and Yeonjun's face is colored a little pink as he crunches the empty can in his palm before throwing it away.

“I didn’t expect it to snow this early,” Yeonjun mumbles as his eyes trace the movement of a snowflake falling down to Earth. The streetlights cast a golden hue on his cheeks. Soobin’s heart swoons.

“Me too. I forgot to check the weather forecast,” Soobin says as they make a turn to the alleyway that leads up to Yeonjun’s apartment. The sky drapes a dark blue over Yeonjun’s silhouette, and Soobin finally pulls out his camera from the bottom of his bag, finally. He has been waiting for this moment from the moment the movie played.

Soobin knows that snow can ruin the shots, but he still presses the shutter as Yeonjun looks up at him.

“Can’t help it,” Soobin looks away when Yeonjun rolls his eyes. His film might get brittle, because he's at shot 18 on an expired film roll, Agfa Vista. But Soobin doesn’t care. Nothing will catch the red of Yeonjun’s scarf as beautifully as this film, and there’s no way Soobin can hold himself back from such a beautiful sight.

“Soobin-ah. Don’t do that," Yeonjun says as he plays with his necklace. They make a turn to the alleyway that leads up to Yeonjun's place.

“What do you mean, hyung?”

“Don’t,” Yeonjun halts his steps, and he leans against the wall of the alleyway, lips pressing tight, blinking up at Soobin. There's something like doubt lingering in his eyes, and he drops the necklace and fixes his scarf. “Don’t take photos of me… You.. you should stop taking photos of me all the time, because then I’m going to think that you like me back.”

Yeonjun clasps his hand against his mouth afterward, and Soobin licks his lips. Yeonjun’s eyes trace the movement, and Soobin can’t seem to fucking think straight. His head is still so fucking dizzy.

“What does that mean, hyung?” Soobin says, and he props one hand on the wall as he leans closer. He can smell Yeonjun’s cologne, and the tiniest hint of popcorn that is still lingering on his coat. Yeonjun’s breath hitches the air, and Soobin doesn’t really know what the fuck he is doing until he reaches over and holds Yeonjun’s hand.

Yeonjun doesn’t say anything. His brown eyes reflect the quiet of the sky, and the yellow street lights above them. Soobin stares at them for a while until he leans a bit closer, because Yeonjun is so warm and the world around them is so romantic and Yeonjun’s eyes are magnetizing and Soobin is tired of looking. Now he wants to feel.

Yeonjun is so beautiful. Soobin can appreciate beautiful things without wanting them, right? But Soobin doesn’t understand why he’s leaning closer, lips almost skirting Yeonjun’s cheek. Maybe it’s the faint trace of alcohol that is running in his system that is making Soobin a little bit stronger tonight. Maybe it’s the chocolate in Yeonjun’s eyes that is pulling Soobin right into Yeonjun's orbit.

Maybe it’s Soobin who wants to lean closer and taste Yeonjun’s lips.

He holds his breath as Yeonjun’s popcorn-sweet breath musks the space between them. Soobin closes his eyes and he leans down, cupping Yeonjun’s cheeks. Yeonjun's skin is so cold.

“Soobin… what are you doin–?” Yeonjun whispers, and Soobin swallows it so quickly. He captures every word that pours out of Yeonjun’s mouth right after. Every whimper. Every breath. Soobin kisses him, and slowly licks into his mouth, and it’s so sweet. Caramel popcorn mixed with a little bit of beer, and Yeonjun’s lip balm tastes just as nice. Soobin melts against it until there’s a pang in his chest.

“Fuck,” Soobin says, and then he lets go. “Fuck. I’m sorry. Yeonjun hyung. I didn’t mean to do that I’m—”

Soobin tugs his hands into his hair; what has he done. He was not supposed to do that. Yeonjun is all ridges and edges and boyish roughness; Yeonjun isn’t one of those nice and pretty girls with summer dresses that his mom wishes him to get married to. Soobin’s breath quickens.

When he flits his gaze back to Yeonjun’s face, the world starts spinning in white, snow blizzard. Yeonjun’s expression is dazed, and he stares blankly at a spot on the ground as he chews on his lip.

“Don’t worry. Soobin-ah. We will talk about this.” Yeonjun runs into the building.

[ ◉¯]

They don’t talk about it.

Or more correctly, Soobin doesn’t want to talk about it. He stares at Yeonjun’s missed calls on his phone, before locking and shoving it under his mattress.

This feels like Bangkok all over again, when he pretended he hadn’t seen his mom’s missed calls.

“Soobin hyung,” Kai says from his bed, and he stops the episode of Death Note on his iPad and sighs. “You can’t punish Yeonjun hyung for something that you did wrong.”

“What do you mean by punishing him?” Soobin mumbles into his pillow. He can see L sucking on his thumb on Huening Kai’s screen, his state a little messy, and Soobin feels a little bit like L at this moment. Because he hasn’t showered since yesterday, and the last time he washed his sheets was two weeks ago.

“You haven’t answered his calls,” Kai says. “And knowing you and Yeonjun hyung, the person who is more likely to fuck up is you.”

“What do you even know?" Soobin sulks.

“I know a lot of things,” Kai says, and he flicks his gaze to Yeonjun's photos that are organized neatly on Soobin’s table. next to the mountain of poorly-made zines that Soobin collects. Soobin gulps.

The thing is, Soobin does not know how not to be selfish. He was selfish, and photography turned out fine. But now there's this tightness around his chest, and he hates himself for treating his friend like this.

Six months ago, Yeonjun was still a shadow who appeared here and there on campus, so far away from Soobin’s world. But now Yeonjun has slipped into Soobin’s routines, filling in the gaps of silence during Soobin’s shift at the library and making Soobin laugh with his cat emoticons, and Soobin doesn’t know what it feels like anymore to have a Yeonjun-shaped hole in life.

Soobin thinks he's one of those boring male protagonists in the movies that they usually screen at the cinema, who is a little bit boring and plain, and Yeonjun is a female love interest who effortlessly waltzes into his life and shakes his world.

Except Yeonjun is no girl. Soobin is still trying to come to terms with that.

Soobin stares at the photo of Yeonjun on his wall: it was that morning in the woods, when everything was still a little bit simpler. His mind drifts to the conversation that they had on Yeonjun’s birthday, and Soobin shifts in his bed.

“Huening Kai, can I ask you a favor?”

“What do you want, hyung?” Kai says as he resumes Death Note. He's at the part where Light is talking to the FBI agent now, who's trying to find out if Light is Kira. Soobin shivers; Light's secret identity is going to be exposed soon.

Soobin doesn’t have a secret identity, but he feels like he’s also hiding something from the rest of the world.

A desire to kiss a boy, perhaps, even when his mom always says that a good son should get married to a nice and pretty girl and pass on their family name.

“Can you check up on Yeonjun hyung? He doesn’t… he doesn’t have anyone to look for when he’s sad,” Soobin says, and his heart sinks because he has promised Yeonjun that he would be there, just to ignore Yeonjun’s phone calls. Running away is what Soobin is really good at, after all.

“You’re really something, aren’t you?” Huening Kai says, but he locks his iPad and stands up, stretching his limbs. “You should be the one who comes and finds him, you know?” Kai says when he heads out.

"Give me a little more time," Soobin says, but Kai has already been out of the door.

That night, when Kai comes back to the dorm, Soobin is pacing back and forth in front of his bed. His stomach rumbles, because he hasn’t eaten anything today. Soobin smells like sweat and unwashed sheets.

“How is he?” Soobin says as soon as Kai hooks his jacket on his chair.

“He’s just… worried,” Kai sits on the edge of his bed, and crosses his arms as he stares Soobin up and down. Huening Kai doesn't really look mad, which means Yeonjun must not have been mad. Soobin lets out a heavy sigh.

But Huening Kai’s eyes are a bit droopy, though. Soobin’s stomach churns.

“He cares about you, Soobin hyung..." Kai mumbles, and stretches on his bed as he stares at his hand, not meeting Soobin in the eye. "He told you to go talk to him... He’s still a friend, after all.”

A friend. Soobin has promised Yeonjun that Yeonjun could use a friend. He closes his eyes and tries not to think too much about the kiss.

[ ◉¯]

Soobin holds his breath as he knocks on Yeonjun’s door. “Yeonjun hyung,” he calls. “It’s me.”

The door clicks, and one of Yeonjun’s eyes peeks between the crack.

“So you’re not ignoring me again?” Yeonjun says tentatively.

“That,” Soobin clenches his fist so that he won’t punch himself in the face. “I’m sorry. There has been so much with the new term.”

“Don’t lie, Soobin-ah,” Yeonjun says and he opens the door a little bit more. He doesn’t wear make-up today, and the bags under his eyes are a little bit heavier. Soobin swallows dry. “Why are you here, Soobin?”

“To offer you tteokbokki,” Soobin lifts the take-out container up as proof. “And… friendship.”

“Friendship,” Yeonjun nods. “And anything else?”

“And an apology. For that night.”

“Alright.” A frown tucks in the space between Yeonjun’s eyebrows, and he takes the container from Soobin’s hand and puts it on the top of the shoe rack. He turns back to Soobin and crosses his arms. “That night… Do you want to explain it?”

Soobin shakes his head, and he chews the inside of his cheek until blood kicks into his mouth.

“Soobin…” Yeonjun says after a while. “Do you like me?”

“I–” Soobin jumps a little, scratching the back of his neck. His tongue swirls thick like a stone.

“Okay. I understand. It’s okay. It’s okay,” Yeonjun nods. “Then why did you kiss me?”

“I don’t know either,” Soobin closes his eyes. It was snowing, and Yeonjun had looked so beautiful. Maybe that’s why. “I just want to be friends again— Hyung. Are you mad?”

“No, not really, just confused,” Yeonjun says. “But it doesn't matter. We had beer.”

They both know it’s a lie, because Yeonjun has seen Soobin shit-faced before, and how much alcohol was needed for Soobin to reach that state. Soobin doesn’t understand why it’s Yeonjun who is coming to his defense for something that is totally on Soobin's end. Yeonjun takes a breath.

“It’s just–” Yeonjun says after a while. “I like you, Soobin.” A cold runs through Soobin’s spine because it’s not new to him anymore, but it’s still different hearing it from Yeonjun’s mouth. “So we shouldn’t— do that… Because you mentioned that you don’t like men? You’re my best friend, so I will try to stop having... gross feelings towards you. Let’s just… leave this behind us.”

“I can do that,” comes Soobin's reply.

“That’s it?” Yeonjun cocks an eyebrow, and his face scrunches up to an unreadable expression. Soobin doesn’t know what is expected of him; he’s still a little bit scared, after all.

“Yeah. That’s it,” Soobin has run out of things to say.

“Okay,” Yeonjun says. “So let’s just… stay friends, Soobin-ah.”

Soobin nods, and lowers his gaze. He’s wearing one of his favorite pairs of shoes today, but they feel suddenly so small, gnawing on his toes.

“Okay,” Yeonjun says, and his face becomes paler as he chews his lip. “I can always use a friend.”

Yeonjun’s face lifts up in a half-smile, but it’s tilting, an old photograph with worn edges and Soobin can’t see Yeonjun clearly anymore. He wants to embrace Yeonjun in a hug, and threads his hand in Yeonjun’s hair and combs through it, again, but Soobin knows that there are beautiful things that he shouldn’t want.

[ ◉¯]

Friendship with Yeonjun is… salvageable, for the most part. They try to mend something that is already broken, gluing it together part by part. It reminds Soobin of the broken lomography camera that Soobin used to have as a kid, in which the lens almost fell out and he had to glue it together, just for it to take the shakiest photos.

His mom wanted Soobin to throw the camera out, back then, because of a superstition that broken things can bring bad luck to the family. But Soobin has always been a little bit nostalgic after all.

The camera is still displayed on his shelf. Maybe that’s why his family is a bit unlucky. Maybe that’s why they have a bad son.

“How was work?” Soobin says as he picks Yeonjun up after his shift at the library. They have movie nights with the boys today at Yeonjun’s place.

“It was okay,” Yeonjun says, and digs the snow under his heel. His beanie obscures half of his face, and his cheeks pinken. “Do you remember the asshole who keeps sticking chewing gum under the table? He was here again, so Minjeong and I spent a good hour scrubbing it off.”

"Of course, I remember." Soobin laughs. “That’s how you build your arm muscles, hyung.”

“My arm muscles are naturally big. Do you want to feel my guns?” Yeonjun says, and he lifts his arm a little bit to show Soobin, just to remember that he’s under a thick layer of winter coat. His face falls a little. “Oh… Never mind…”

A gust of wind fluffs up Yeonjun’s hair, and his scarf drops down from his neck. Soobin’s hands itch to fix it.

“Next time point out the asshole for me, and I’ll kick him in the face.”

“Except he will come for you first, because you can barely throw a punch,” Yeonjun says, his scarf slaps into Soobin’s coat, and Soobin can’t stand it anymore.

“Oh my god, why are you a child,” Soobin leans over and wraps the scarf properly around Yeonjun’s neck, before tapping Yeonjun’s forehead lightly as he resumes his walk. He tries not to stare too hard in Yeonjun’s eyes, because there’s this… unexplainable feeling in his chest rising up in his chest. It’s so weird that Soobin is good at reading other people, but sometimes he can’t really see within.

“I am not a child, Soobin-ah,” Yeonjun says. “I’m older than you.”

“Then where are your gloves?” Soobin glances at Yeonjun’s reddening hands, and Yeonjun quickly stuffs them in his pockets. Before, Soobin would have reached over and held Yeonjun's hands in his, sharing a little bit of his warmth, but now, Soobin just stares.

Compromises. If they want to stay friends, they need to compromise. Soobin knows how to compromise as well as he knows how to get the right aperture on a sunny day. That’s one of the things that he does best.

“I forgot it at dance practice. I have been really busy these days,” Yeonjun says, and Soobin glances at Yeonjun’s eye bags. “We’re preparing for the dance competition in March.”

“That sounds tough.” Soobin nods. “Are you eating well?”

“Kind of,” Yeonjun says, voice small. “Can I ask your opinion on one part?” He peeks under his bangs. “You said that—”

“Of course, you can always use a friend,” Soobin says, and a wind sweeps by and reddens Yeonjun’s skin. Soobin wraps his own scarf around his neck, and makes a turn to the alleyway where they kissed, just a few weeks ago. The snow mushes under his feet.

[ ◉¯]

Soobin’s birthday falls on the snowiest day of the year. It’s a lazy day at work, and Soobin stares at the white roofs of the buildings outside as the Architecture students argue about their sketches.

Winter kind of makes Soobin sad. Maybe it’s the quietness of the world, and the dampness lingering around the edges of his coat every time it snows. Soobin drags his heels across campus, and when he reaches his dorm, there’s no light spilling from the crack underneath. Soobin frowns. Huening Kai should be home by now.

When he opens the door, he immediately jumps back. “Surprise!”

“Oh my god,” Soobin yelps, as flashlights creep into his eyes, camera flashes.

“Happy birthday, Soobin hyung!” Beomgyu’s voice chirps into his ears, and Soobin’s face breaks into a smile as he sees how ridiculous Beomgyu looks in the birthday hat.

He glances at Yeonjun standing in the corner. His lips don a small smile. Today, he’s wearing a cream sweater and the cat necklace; his face bare. Soobin thinks he likes winter a little bit more now since Yeonjun looks so fluffy.

Soobin gulps. He’s not supposed to like Yeonjun like that.

“Make a wish, you big boy,” Kai rushes, and Soobin closes his eyes as the candles float hot against his face. Soobin thinks about his mom, and he wishes that no matter what, he will always be a good son.

“Oh,” Soobin says later as all five of them curl up on the floor. Soobin’s apartment is too small, but the distance between him and Yeonjun is too big.

“You’re twenty-one now, holy shit,” Beomgyu mumbles between soju and dried shredded squid, his face obscured by the dark. “You’re so fucking old. You’re like… ancient.”

“Am I? Beomgyu, you’re turning twenty-one in March,” Soobin says. He doesn’t feel that much older than yesterday. Still as selfish, and still needs so much time to grow. Soobin is twenty-one now, but the snake is still climbing down his spine, except now it’s wrapping around his rib and munching on a patch of his skin, somewhere near his stomach. Soobin looks at Yeonjun’s face.

On Yeonjun’s neck, the little cat is smiling at Soobin.

“Do you want to see your present?” Beomgyu smiles, and he reaches over as he hands Soobin a small box. Soobin laughs and he unwraps it quickly.

“A pair of socks,” Soobin laughs. “I can’t wait to lose the other one in the laundry room and never wear them ever again.”

Beomgyu slaps his arm, but Soobin is too slow to react as the soju kicks into his system. Kai gives Soobin a hoodie, which he pulls out straight from the drawer underneath his bed where he stores his candies, not bothering to wrap it properly because apparently that is really difficult, hyung.

Taehyun doesn't say much. He pushes his present onto Soobin’s lap.

Soobin picks it up, and groans as he feels the flatness of the present underneath his fingertips. “A book. Great. Is it because I work at the library?”

“All Soobin hyung reads are erotica and ugly zines,” Kai says. “I have never seen him touch a book unless he gets paid to do so.”

“The zines are not ugly, by the way. They are just a little bit poorly-made but they are very educational,” Soobin says as he unwraps the present, and as he expected, it's a fucking book. Words make Soobin's brain dizzy; he works with pictures, after all. Soobin needs to be visually stimulated.

“The Alchemist. Is it some science shit?" Soobin laughs. "Because physics makes me lose my sanity.”

“It’s chemistry, hyung. An Alchemist practices medieval chemistry.” Taehyun rolls his eyes, but his smile is kind. “And no… it’s not about science. It’s about a traveler trying to find his treasure, or whatever. You need to read it to know."

Taehyun’s gaze is laced with something unreadable. Soobin is too drunk to read it, anyway. When Yeonjun scoots over, Soobin takes a small whiff of his scent. He smells like pears and coffee. “Here,” Yeonjun hands him his present, and Soobin nods a little as he shakes the box. It rumbles.

There are five rolls of expired CVS film, and three rolls of Kodak Gold. Soobin wants to cry.

“I hope you liked them, Soobin-ah,” Yeonjun says, the corners of his mouth edging up in a smile. “They’re not really special, really, since—”

Soobin’s arms move too fast for his liking, and he captures Yeonjun in a hug. “These are perfect. Kodak Gold is my favorite film, ever.”

“I know,” Yeonjun’s shoulders tense, and then he melts against the embrace as Soobin rubs the small of his back. “I dug around a little.”

“You are so fucking perfect,” Soobin says, and tightens his hold around Yeonjun’s frame because he has missed this. He hasn’t felt the warmth of Yeonjun’s skin ever since that day.

When they pull apart, Yeonjun gives him a small smile, before chewing a corner of his lip. Soobin thinks he’s seeing Yeonjun through a snow globe, again, because Yeonjun is so close but there’s a wall of tempered glass between them.

[ ◉¯]

Sometimes, Soobin thinks that Yeonjun is patient to a flaw. Maybe that’s why he’s so good at everything. Nobody would have the time to learn how to sew and dance and play guitar and fish on top of their demanding college schedule. Soobin sighs as Yeonjun’s head rests on the common table of the library, nodding off.

Yeonjun’s coffee has gone cold now. Under his cheek, there are half-finished flat sketches, and a few pieces of fabric swatches. Soobin doesn’t want to wake Yeonjun up, because Yeonjun barely gets any rest between dance practice and his part-time job and drawing and sewing and cheerleading. And yet, Yeonjun always makes time for him.

Soobin takes the coffee cup off the table, and he gets a couple of coins from his back pocket as he buys Yeonjun a new one at the coffee machine set in the entrance of the library. Yunjin glances at him from her spot behind the reception desk, and then goes back to scaling her design and cursing at Illustrator.

It’s a shame that Yeonjun thinks a bit less of himself. Soobin wishes he could show Yeonjun what it’s like from his point of view, but it’s a difficult task. That’s why Soobin likes to photograph Yeonjun so much. Soobin hopes his photos will be a replacement for his words.

Outside, the snow has painted the roofs white.

[ ◉¯]

Taehyun, Beomgyu, and Kai become official a week before New Year’s. They go out to dine at a pasta restaurant somewhere in Myeongdong. Afterward, Beomgyu crashes at their place later, because they share a class early in the morning.

Soobin watches them cuddle from his spot of the room, and flits his gaze to the wall of photos behind him. His eyes trace the shape of Yeonjun’s back. Soobin curls his legs as he holds his knees close to his chest.

“What was it like for you when you first kissed a boy?” Soobin asks after a while. The giggles on the other bed subside.

Beomgyu clears his throat. “You phrased it wrong, hyung.”

“What do you mean?” Soobin narrows his eyes, and he fists a handful of sheets. Snow freckles the window, gleaming under the white of the night and the golden hues dripping from their room.

“What was it like to kiss Yeonjun hyung,” Beomgyu says. “You should ask me what it was like to kiss Yeonjun hyung. I don’t know. I didn’t kiss him. What was it like?

“Shut up,” Soobin says, and he grabs his pillow and throws it toward Beomgyu’s face. Beomgyu just catches it with ease, and throws it on the bed and plops down on it.

“Was I wrong?” Beomgyu says, and Soobin sighs into his knees.

“Kissing a boy and kissing Yeonjun hyung are two completely different things.”

“Why? Because you think you can kiss Yeonjun hyung but not any other boy?”

Soobin thinks about it for a second. Of course, he wouldn’t mind kissing Yeonjun that much… but kissing Changmin, or the Australian exchanges that he used to platonically flirt with is a completely different thing. Kissing Yeonjun feels… right, like that feeling when he inserts a film roll into the film canister; the clicky sound of the notch where everything secures into its place.

If Soobin has a list of all the people he wants to kiss, it will be filled with Yeonjun’s name from the top to the bottom.

"Maybe," Soobin says weakly.

“That’s called… being in love, hyung,” Kai says from the other side of the room, and Soobin tugs his hands into his hair.

“What do you even know about being in love?”

“He has two boyfriends, thank you very much,” Beomgyu says. “What would you imagine kissing someone that you’re in love with?”

Soobin doesn’t know. He hasn’t been in love with anyone. There was one time that he liked a girl in high school, and they went out for a week. Her lip tint tasted nice, though, a little bit sweet; the caramel popcorn definitely tasted better, but Soobin thinks it’s just the Yeonjun effect.

“I– I don’t know. What is it like, for you?”

“It’s different depending on who I kiss,” Beomgyu says. “Kissing Kai makes me feel happy on the inside. It's like... I'm on cloud nine when I kiss him."

"Like... you feel giddy?"

"Yeah," Beomgyu says. "But kissing Taehyun makes me feel safe. Maybe it’s because he has big arms.”

“Hmm,” Soobin ponders over it. He feels giddy around Yeonjun all the time; because long walks with Yeonjun seem shorter, and whenever Yeonjun smiles at him, his shoulders feel lighter. Yeonjun’s arms aren’t as big as Taehyun’s, but his hold always makes Soobin steadier. Like he’s standing a bit firmer on Earth.

“Those things… I don’t need to kiss him to feel those kinds of things.”

“Then what made you kiss him?” Kai says as he wraps his arm around Beomgyu and hides his nose into Beomgyu's neck.

“I don’t know either." Soobin looks at his socks. “But I’m trying to forget it. He’s a friend... after all."

“Ah. How is it working so far?”

“Terrible,” Soobin says. How could Soobin forget anything about Yeonjun, when he is just so memorable? Yeonjun is not a girl, he is all biceps and muscles and rough edges and ridges, but Soobin doesn’t mind any of those things.

Soobin just needs a little bit more time.

That night, when Soobin curls up on his bed, the conversation he had with Yeonjun the first time they ate at the tteokbokki restaurant loops around Soobin's head. Soobin chews on his nails like he's a kid again.

Yeonjun's photo on the wall stares down at him.

Yeonjun has told Soobin that he is jealous of Soobin, once, and it doesn’t really make sense in Soobin’s head. Because all Soobin’s life, he has tried to fit into molds and shapes and compromises. Maybe it’s actually Soobin who wants to be something closer to Yeonjun, now that he thinks about that, because Yeonjun doesn’t really give a damn about wanting to kiss a boy.

Soobin thinks: maybe it won’t really make that much of a goddamn difference if he wants to kiss a boy, too. And it won’t make that much of a goddamn difference if he wants to kiss Yeonjun.

It won’t make that much of a goddamn difference if he’s not a good son. Because Soobin thinks he’s good enough.

[ ◉¯]

Soobin has tucked the film roll that he took on that winter night in a corner of his room. Soobin has been putting off developing it, because he’s still a little bit scared. But he is also tired of running away.

Besides, time spent in the darkroom is always mediation, after all.

When he gets off work on the last day before the winter break, Soobin grabs the roll and heads to the darkroom. He preps everything on a whim, because his mind is a mess and this room is too quiet for his liking.

Soobin’s heart rumbles in his chest as he rinses the negatives under the water. Yeonjun's silhouette in shades of browns and oranges appears as a tiny figure in the processed shots, but Soobin can still see the plum of his scarf vividly.

This is it. Soobin cuts a piece and puts it on the enlarger, and he debates between different types of paper before deciding to go for the largest one. It’s been a long time since Soobin last saw Yeonjun happy, and Soobin misses his genuine smile.

Soobin stands still as he watches the paper take on its colors. Yeonjun’s face is first a bright dot, and gradually warmth sinks into his features, into his cheeks and contours. His red scarf becomes even redder under the red light, and Soobin wishes he could dip a finger into the photograph and poke at Yeonjun’s face, feeling the softness of skin that he once could touch.

It’s just wishful thinking. Soobin sighs, and he uses the tongs to remove the photo as he hangs it up to dry.

Maybe the camera is the worst thing that has ever been invented. For its job is only to record, and leave the longing for the mind. Take a picture, it lasts forever.

[ ◉¯]

On New Year’s, Soobin sends Yeonjun a text first as he stares at the photograph of that night hung on the wall of his room. He has brought it back to Ansan, so he has a friend in case he runs out of things to say to his mom.

Happy New Year! reads Soobin’s text. I am happy we met. You mean a lot to me. Soobin drafts the text. Here’s to more memories!

And you called me sappy, Soobin-ah? When you’re a sap yourself? comes Yeonjun’s reply in an instant. Soobin wonders if Yeonjun is watching the fireworks in Seoul at this moment. He doesn't want to guess, because a photo comes right after. Yeonjun sends him a selca with his edged-up smile, and Soobin can see the sky rupturing right behind Yeonjun's shoulders.

It’s a wonderful sight. Soobin misses him.

Jk. I’m thankful for you too, big bunny (ｏ’∀’)ノ｡+｡ﾟ☆ I wish you a happy new year☆ﾟ｡+｡ヽ(‘∀’ｏ)

Soobin hugs the phone closer to his chest, and stares at the message until his eyes blur.

[ ◉¯]

“Okay, watch this,” Yeonjuns says as he makes Soobin sit on the chair in the corner of the dance practice room. He’s in a black T-shirt and loose pants today, face bare. Soobin nods, and Yeonjun turns on the music as he goes through the song.

It’s always mesmerizing to see Yeonjun dance, even when Soobin has witnessed this a hundred times before. Yeonjun moves like water, changing his shapes as the music quickens, and then easing down. Soobin’s eyes never leave Yeonjun once, wishing that he could capture this.

The winter is still echoing against the roofs, so Soobin doesn’t really bring his camera outside; his expired film might get brittle. But these days, Soobin thinks it’s becoming more of an excuse, because he is still a little bit afraid to find out what is in the photos.

Professor Kim is right. A photograph reveals a lot of truths. Photography is an introspective process, after all.

When Yeonjun finishes, a bead of sweat rolls down his face, and Soobin traces the shape of Yeonjun’s lips before looking away.

“So… what do you think?” Yeonjun asks, face bright.

“It’s amazing, hyung. You’re always amazing,” Soobin replies. He remembers the swishing and sharp arm movements, and Yeonjun has never danced like that before. “It’s a different style this time, right?”

“Yeah… you noticed,” Yeonjun says. Of course Soobin notices. He always notices. “I recently watched this choreographer that I found on Youtube, and I really like her stuff, so…”

“You incorporated the movements really well, hyung,” Soobin says. “They really fit with the beat of the song.” Under the fluorescent lights of the studio, Yeonjun’s skin sparkles, and Soobin's fingers yearn. For both the camera, and for Yeonjun's hand.

“Thank you, Soobin-ah. I practiced a lot,” Yeonjun says, and Soobin traces the bags underneath Yeonjun’s eyes with his gaze. He wishes he could wipe them away with his fingers.

“You always work so hard, hyung. Do you ever rest?"

“My team relies on me. I don’t want to disappoint them,” Yeonjun says, and he picks up his coat on the floor and puts it on. They make their way outside, and against the white backdrop, Yeonjun’s lips become redder. Soobin tries really hard not to stare at them.

When they get to the tteokbokki restaurant, Yeonjun orders their usual, large tteokbokki and fried seaweed rolls, and he eats like a child.

“Your mouth,” Soobin says, and he points at the sauce lingering at the corner of Yeonjun’s lips.

“Oh,” Yeonjun says, and he darts his tongue out as he tries to lick it away, but somehow he’s making it worse. Soobin laughs and leans closer as he grabs a piece of tissue and wipes Yeonjun’s lips, hooking two fingers under Yeonjun’s chin as he pulls Yeonjun’s face closer.

Yeonjun’s breath is warm and hot against his cheek, and Soobin looks at Yeonjun’s eye momentarily before dropping his gaze down to Yeonjun’s plump lips. Yeonjun is clean of sauce now, but Soobin can’t seem to let him go. If he could lean over a little bit more. Just a little bit.

“Soobin,” Yeonjun says. Soobin keeps staring. He can do this. Soobin holds his breath.

“Yes?” Soobin says, and Yeonjun shakes out of Soobin's grip.

“What do you think you are doing?” Yeonjun says, and he moves his head to the side. Soobin feels like he’s being slapped in the face. “Don’t do that… You… You know how I feel about you.”

Soobin nods, and they finish their dinner in silence. Later, they will fight about who’s going to get the bill, and both of them are going to pretend that their friendship is still intact, once again.

[ ◉¯]

Soobin finishes The Alchemist somewhere in February as the snow melts in front of the library’s front step. The story doesn’t have anything to do with science: it is about a shepherd who sets out in the desert to find a hidden treasure, just to learn that the treasure is buried in front of his house, under a sycamore tree.

The writing is alright; Soobin isn’t really a big fan of using a metaphorical treasure to convey a message that you should love and appreciate what’s always been there for you. It’s just so Taehyun to gift Soobin a book like this.

He pulls out his phone and sends Taehyun a text. You could at least say it to my face instead of making me waste my time reading a fucking book, don’t you think? and then collects his coat as he clocks out.

When he walks across campus, he bumps into Yunjin. Soobin doesn't even say hi. He gives her a hug and picks her up, spinning her around.

“What the fuck do you think you are doing,” Yunjin says, and Soobin just laughs as he ruffles her hair when he finally puts her down. She slaps his arm, and it kind of hurts. “Dude. People are going to think that I’m fraternizing with straight men. I have a reputation to put up!”

“I’m just mad that you’re always right,” Soobin says, and pinches her cheeks before running back to his dorm. Soobin's shoulders feel a little bit lighter. His insides melt with the snow.

[ ◉¯]

The dance competition is just an internal one, where they pick the dance team to represent the school that will go to compete at a festival that is set in May. Soobin holds his camera closer to his chest as he makes his way to the gymnasium, and he sits on the first row, legs jiggling lightly as he waits for the show.

His mom has told him that shaking his legs is a bad thing, because his luck will run out of his body with each shake. But Soobin has ceased to care about superstitions, or whatever his mom says.

Yeonjun’s team performs near the end of the show, and when he steps to the front of the gymnasium, he shines the brightest.

Soobin has seen the choreography before; he has memorized every move, every turn. But today, Yeonjun moves with an elegance that makes Soobin unable to peel his eyes off. His body is sharp and with every turn of his torso, Soobin is awestruck. He keeps pressing the shutter button while taking peeks at Yeonjun’s dance, because the yellowing viewfinder isn’t doing Yeonjun any justice.

It ends quicker than Soobin has thought, and Yeonjun gives him a small wave as he holds his knee, catching his breath. The light above casts a pale shade over his head, and even though Yeonjun’s hair has been dyed black now, Soobin still feels like he’s a moth being drawn to an orange, bright flame.

Yeonjun’s team ends up winning first, which to Soobin, isn’t a surprise, considering how much effort Yeonjun has put into choreographing their every move. Other teams can’t compete anyway.

The audience claps as Yeonjun’s face lights up, and he jumps in the air as if the ground is a trampoline. It’s very cute. When Yeonjun catches Soobin’s gaze from the middle of the court, he points to his chest, as if trying to say I did it. Did you see that I did it?

Soobin nods, and he makes his way to the front. People are getting out of the gymnasium, but Soobin finds Yeonjun in the crowd so easily. Yeonjun’s teammates are still celebrating, hugging Yeonjun tightly as they jump in excitement. Soobin snaps three shots of that, because Yeonjun's face is open like a child.

Soobin loves this. Soobin loves him.

When Yeonjun finally notices his presence, he runs off to Soobin, face bright.

“I did well, right?” Yeonjun asks, his eyes sparkle.

“You did so well,” Soobin says, and he drops his camera as he runs a hand through Yeonjun’s hair. The camera hangs heavy on his chest, against his loudly beating heart. “You always did so well.”

“I’m so proud of you, Yeonjun hyung,” Soobin says, wrapping his hand around Yeonjun’s waist as he lifts Yeonjun up in the air. “I love you.”

Yeonjun’s eyes widen for a moment, before they turn into crescents as colors flush to his cheeks. “I love you, too.”

“No,” Soobin sighs as he drops Yeonjun down. The crowd has dispersed a little bit now; only a few students still hang around at the door. Soobin licks his lips.

His gaze drops from Yeonjun's eyes to his lips, and Soobin hooks two fingers under Yeonjun’s chin. He yearns to taste the softness of Yeonjun’s lips, again, because that time at the alleyway was not enough. Who cares if people are going to look, anyway; Soobin has always been a little bit selfish, and he wants Yeonjun now. He wants to kiss Yeonjun now. And he’s going to do it now.

“I love you,” Soobin says it out loud, “not as a friend. I’m… I’m in love with you.”

“You… You’re in love with me?” Yeonjun’s eyes widen, and the tips of his ears turn red. It’s really, really cute. “Is this some sort of sick joke?” Yeonjun’s laughter is strained, and he stares at a spot on the floor, averting Soobin’s gaze.

“No. This is real. I love you.”

“Say it again,” Yeonjun says, lips pressing into a thin line and Soobin can feel the warmth from Yeonjun’s body underneath the pads of his fingers. Soobin pinches Yeonjun's cheek to show him that it’s real, and Yeonjun yelps underneath him.

His hand finds Yeonjun's waist, the other still firm underneath Yeonjun’s jaw, and Soobin turns Yeonjun around so now Yeonjun is finally looking at him. Yeonjun's skin is so warm after the performance, and the red in his face makes Soobin’s heart jump in the air, and then trip and roll all over the place.

“See? I love you. I’m in love with you,” Soobin says, breathless.

“Again.”

Soobin rolls his eyes, and he cups Yeonjun’s cheeks as he leans closer. “I love you,” he says softly. “I’m in love with you.” Soobin kisses him, and he licks his tongue across Yeonjun’s bottom lip.

Yeonjun lets out a tiny squeak, and then melts against the touch. His hands travel up and wrap around Soobin’s neck, and he pulls Soobin closer. Yeonjun’s mouth is still as sweet as ever, and the snake climbing down Soobin’s spine is finally replaced by sparks. Soobin feels like a cloud.

Yeonjun tastes like lip tint, and there’s a bitter lingering of Americano, but Soobin doesn’t really mind.

Giddiness rises in his chest, warming him up, and Yeonjun’s hold makes him feel so safe. Maybe Beomgyu knows what he was talking about, after all.

“I–” Yeonjun pulls away for breath, but Soobin keeps kissing the corner of his mouth. Yeonjun is so adorable; a flush has taken over his face, from his cheeks to his forehead and his ears, and now his neck, too. Soobin brushes Yeonjun’s hair out of his face as the lights of the gymnasium go off. But Soobin won’t complain as Yeonjun is surging forwards, again, and captures his mouth in another kiss.

"Fucking finally," Yeonjun says. "I knew you would come around."

Later, when they get to the tteokbokki restaurant, Yeonjun’s lips are still plump from all the making out and the remnants of the cold outside don’t really help.

“I’m starving,” Yeonjun says, and smiles as he clasps his hand together with Soobin’s. Soobin lifts his other hand and massages the back of Yeonjun’s neck, and Yeonjun mewls against it like a cat.

“Yeonjun hyung,” Soobin starts. “What do you mean by you knew I would come around?”

“You know,” Yeonjun says after a while. “I have always known that you like boys."

“How?” Soobin asks. "How could you know things about me that I hadn’t realized yet?"

“I notice everything about you, bunny,” Yeonjun says, and Yeonjun fidgets in his chair as he pulls himself closer to Soobin’s side. They stick together like glue.

"I don't really like other boys, though," Soobin says. "I like you."

"You're really a fucking sap," Yeonjun says. He rests his head on Soobin’s shoulder, his other hand playing with their intertwined fingers. “I know you... kind of like me. I just didn’t want to put pressure on you in case you were not ready.”

“I’m like a photograph,” Soobin says as he rubs his cheek against Yeonjun’s hair. “It's similar to... when you project the image of a negative onto a blank page of paper, the image is there but it hasn't shown yet. You have to wait until the chemicals soak into it for it to develop. That’s me sometimes, you know?”

"No, I don't know what you’re talking about," Yeonjun laughs.

Soobin lets out a chuckle, wrapping his arm around Yeonjun’s shoulders and playing with Yeonjun's earrings. “Doesn't matter. What matters now is that I'm here with you, right?” Soobin mumbles against Yeonjun’s hair.

“You need to make up for our lost time,” Yeonjun says, and he leans over and plants a kiss on Soobin’s cheek.

“I will,” Soobin says, his lips blooming up in a smile. For once, Soobin doesn’t want to wish for anything else in his life. The snow is melting against the front step of the restaurant, the yellow light above is casting a soft glow on them, and Yeonjun is curled up all snugly in his hold; everything is perfect.

“Yeonjun hyung… Was I really that obvious?” Soobin asks when it gets too quiet, save for Yeonjun's steady breathing.

“A little bit, yes," Yeonjun says, and he rubs his head into the negative space between Soobin's neck and shoulder blade.

Soobin kisses his hair. It makes sense that he was obvious: there’s no way to be subtle around affection; it’s clear and bright, drawing the eyes in, camera flash.

[ ◉¯]

Sokcho in March is a terrible fucking idea. The wind slaps their faces as Soobin clutches his jacket, his other hand wrapping around Yeonjun’s waist.

“Why did we organize this?” Soobin says. He glares at Huening Kai who is running near the water, the waves licking his bare feet. “Sand is getting all over my shoes.”

“Why are you complaining so much? Soobin-ah?” Yeonjun mumbles on his shoulder. "Is it not the activity, but who you are spending time with?"

“Both the activity and the people that I am spending time with are terrible,” Soobin glares at Beomgyu shouting after Huening Kai. Yeonjun laughs, and digs his hands into Soobin’s ribs as he tickles Soobin down to the sand. Underneath Yeonjun, Soobin wriggles for his life; but Yeonjun doesn't seem to stop anytime soon. Instead, he climbs on top of Soobin and straddles Soobin's waist.

“Let loose sometimes, grandpa,” Yeonjun says as Soobin laughs, and there is a warm kiss pressing against his forehead. Soobin licks his lips, and when he regains his breath, he pulls Yeonjun down and rubs their noses together.

“Is Prince Yeonjun going to kiss my lips too?”

“Prince Yeonjun will do anything for you, bunny,” Yeonjun says and he plants a kiss on Soobin's lips. He licks into Soobin’s mouth, cracking Soobin open. Soobin feels like a blank piece of paper being developed in a bath of magical chemicals; each part of himself gradually taking on the colors, and suddenly he’s so alive.

“Begone! Gay people!” Beomgyu runs over and sprinkles sea water upon them, and Soobin holds Yeonjun close as they flip over, sand getting into their coats, their shoes, everywhere. The walk back to their accommodation will be terrible, but it won’t be long, because with Yeonjun, everything is always easier.

Yeonjun fists a handful of Soobin’s coat, and Soobin plants a kiss on his cheek, softly. Yeonjun laughs into his collarbone, face flushed, and Soobin is glad for once that he doesn’t have a camera with him, because this sight should be reserved for Soobin’s eyes only.

“Hyung,” Soobin says, voice soft. “Do you remember that day in the woods, when you asked me what should be a good reason to like someone?”

“Yeah?” Yeonjun says, breathless. The wind messes up his hair, and his skin glows in the pale winter sunlight. Yeonjun is so beautiful – the perfect light source that keeps pulling Soobin in, magnetizing. “What’s your answer, bunny?”

“There’s really no reason for you to like something, or to love something, you just do,” Soobin says, and takes a breath as he ponders over his words. Waves crash against the shore, and affection crashes into his heart. “And I don’t understand why. There are things that I don't understand, and I won’t understand, but I have accepted them for what they are."

“You read too much of Taehyun’s pretentious self-help philosophy books,” Yeonjun says, and he pulls Soobin down by the neck as he nibbles on Soobin’s sand-dusted lips. Yeonjun’s mouth is a little bit dry and salty, but Soobin still darts his tongue across Yeonjun’s bottom lip and licks inside the warmth.

Soobin was twenty when he met Yeonjun; he didn’t know what he wanted then. He is a little bit older now, and there is still so much out there for him to figure out. But there’s this one thing that Soobin is absolutely sure of: he is the happiest when he kisses Yeonjun.