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Memories can give one person so many feelings whenever they’re looking back to them. Be it a sad one, a happy one, or even mixed feelings.
There are many ways to keep them, and for some reason, Siyeon keeps them within herself—pictures of her .
Her room is a mess. And it doesn’t seem to bother Siyeon a little bit. She’s sitting on top of her bed, right at the corner with her face pressed against her pillow.
Even though she’s crying, it seems like her tears have already dried. Siyeon could feel her head spinning from crying nonstop. She doesn’t have any strength left to cry; nor to leave the bed.
“Siyeon, are you in there?”
Siyeon weakly turns her head and stares at the door. Minji’s voice rang from behind the door, whilst her hand knocked on it. Siyeon doesn’t bother with it, she remains silent.
“I… I made you some pancakes. You haven’t eaten anything, Siyeon, I’m worried. Everyone’s worried.” Minji sighs. “Listen, I know you’re still grieving. But you can’t let yourself keep on grieving, you need to get over it.”
Silence is the only answer that Minji got. She was hoping that Siyeon could at least answer her, or to open the door.
Minji sighs once again. She pressed her forehead against the door, eyes fluttering closed. “Siyeon… I’m so sorry for what happened to Yoohyeon.” Minji cried. “And I’m sorry that I wasn’t there for you back then.”
Siyeon’s chest stings as she hears Yoohyeon’s name. She bit her lip and tried to hold herself back from weeping. Siyeon tried to ignore that feeling, but her sorrow held her in choke.
“… Leave me alone” Siyeon muttered.
“Siyeon…”
“I said leave me alone !” Siyeon’s voice erupted
Minji was taken aback as she heard Siyeon raising her voice. Her eyes were bloodshot, she bit her lip to hold herself back.
“I’m… I’m sorry, Siyeon” Minji apologised.
Still, no answer was heard from behind the door. Minji dropped the cardboard box she held in front of the door. She took a step back.
“Yubin gave me some of Yoohyeon’s things here. She said that it was Yoohyeon’s wish for you to keep those with you.” Minji said. “… I’ll be downstairs if you need something. I love you, Siyeon.”
Siyeon heard Minji’s footsteps echoing. She feels guilty as she heard Minji’s sniffing as she walked away, maybe she’s being too much for raising her voice at her like that. Siyeon knows that Minji is trying to be there for her, but she’s drowned way too deep into her anguish to notice.
The younger girl stretches her legs, dragging it across the bed. She approached the door, fingers wrapping on the door knob and gently pulled it downwards, pushing the door open. Siyeon glanced down and found a cardboard box that Minji mentioned before.
Siyeon pulls over the cardboard box inside her room. She lifted it and brought it onto her bed, gently placing it there.
Her hands ran through inside the box. With hands carefully pulling out some things, she found a picture album. “Our Memories by KYH & LSY” was written in front of it.
Siyeon slowly flips the album, looking through the pictures and the handwritten description next to the picture.
“It’s my first time using a camera, I tried to take a picture of a plant I saw from a park nearby. It’s a pretty one. I showed it to Siyeon and she said that I might have a talent for it. Heh, I guess this isn’t bad afterall!”
Siyeon looked at the second picture below.
“I asked Siyeon to be my model. She’s doing her weird poses even though I told her to do a normal one! Geez! But she’s pretty so I let that one slide.”
She chuckles as she sees her picture that was taken by Yoohyeon, and what Yoohyeon wrote on how she feels about it. Siyeon then looked at the next page.
“I adopted a puppy today. She’s so small, and she whimpers whenever I try to hold her so I gotta take care of her gently. I named her ‘Sapphire’, but I call her ‘Pie’ for short. She’s so cute, so cute that I almost find myself wanting to bite her ears at times hahaha.”
“Siyeon and Pie met for the first time. It’s funny to see Pie being scared of her, maybe it’s because Pie knows that Siyeon is a wolf? Lol. But somehow, Pie looks comfortable being held by Siyeon despite her being scared.”
Siyeon flipped through some pages. She found some pictures where both her and Yoohyeon are going on a date. Memories start to flood into her mind, reminiscing about those fun and happy times they spent together, going into various places.
She then remembers that Yoohyeon was the one who initiated to take pictures when they’re going on a date.
:::
“Tell me, Yoohyeon,” Siyeon asked, “why are you suddenly into photography? I never thought that you would have such interest.”
Yoohyeon’s head turned in the direction of Siyeon’s voice. “Hmm, well, I guess it’s because I want to keep those memories forever?” Yoohyeon answered.
“Forever ‘till we’re married and getting old together, huh?” Siyeon teased
Yoohyeon’s cheeks are taken on a red hue. “Oh, hush. You don’t have to put it that way!” Yoohyeon spouted.
Siyeon laughs lightly at her answer. She never knew that Yoohyeon could be flustered from her teasing the younger girl alone.
“… W-well… That might be the case… I guess…?” Yoohyeon added. “Anyways! That’s because I want both of us to keep those memories within ourselves too.”
“I see, keeping those memories within ourselves, huh.” Siyeon nodded. “Well, not bad though. I like the idea of us keeping them for ourselves later in those days.”
“See? You got it, right?” Yoohyeon smiled
“Yup, I got that feeling” Siyeon added
“I hope you don’t mind me taking a thousand pictures of you from now on, Siyeon.” Yoohyeon grinned. “You know, for the sake of memories we’re going to keep!”
“I don’t really mind. As long as we’re together in it” Siyeon said
Both of them laugh wholeheartedly together. Maybe the idea of taking pictures for memories isn’t so bad afterall.
:::
All of those days they spent together, memories they created together, pictures that they took together, wasn’t meant to be for them to keep it together within themselves. They were meant for Siyeon to keep .
Everything that seems to be great, ended up being taken away from them and fell apart.
It wasn’t long after Yoohyeon had been taken to the hospital after she lost consciousness. Siyeon, who heard the news from Minji, ran into the hospital as fast as she could. Her heart was shattered, her mind started to crumble. She couldn’t think of anything else but to call Yoohyeon, Yoohyeon, Yoohyeon… over and over again.
She doesn’t care about the tears that start to collect at the bottom of her eyelids. Yoohyeon is waiting for her. She needs to be there, by Yoohyeon’s side .
And there, Siyeon saw Minji crying in front of the door. She approached the older girl and rested her hands on Minji’s shoulders.
“Minji, what happened?” Siyeon asked
“Yoo— Yoohyeon, when she’s playing fetch with Pie, she—.” Minji halt. Tears streamed downwards to her cheeks, she tried to compose herself but she couldn’t. “She’s suddenly— She’s suddenly falling unconscious. I… I’m—.”
Siyeon reached out her arms and wrapped it around Minji’s shoulders, pulling her into a hug and gently patting the elder’s head. “Sssh, shhh. It’s okay, Minji, calm down. Let’s wait for Yoohyeon for now. She needs us” Siyeon prompted.
Minji nods slightly. Though she seemed composed, Siyeon’s heart raced and her thoughts were blank. She doesn’t know what to do, her fear has eaten up from inside of her mind, Siyeon shook those thoughts off and tried to remind herself to be strong for Yoohyeon.
::
It’s been one and a half months since Yoohyeon got sent into a hospital. Siyeon made sure to take her time to visit Yoohyeon in Yubin’s stead when she couldn’t go or whenever she got too busy with stuff.
Siyeon pushed the door open, and Yoohyeon turned her head onto it, and she saw Siyeon by the door. Her eyes gleamed and she greeted, “Siyeon! You’re here!”
“Hey there, Yoohyeon.” Siyeon smiles. “Here, I brought you some food. Minji made them for you.”
“Oh, really? Please give her my thanks!,” Yoohyeon continued, “Ah, can you also please place it there?”
The older girl nodded and placed the food box as Yoohyeon asked. She dragged a chair next to Yoohyeon’s bed, she sat down and held Yoohyeon’s hand.
“So, have you been good lately?” Siyeon asked
Yoohyeon nods. “Yeah, I’ve been good lately. The doctor gave me the treatments I need, and I’ve eaten lots too” Yoohyeon answered. “But, you know, sometimes the food they bring here kind of sucks. I’d rather be eating foods that Minji made, or the ones that Yubin would usually cook at home!”
Siyeon shrugged. “Well, I guess you have to deal with it, Yoohyeon.”
Yoohyeon scoffed, “Well, how about you eat those for me instead? Would you be able to deal with it?”
“I’d rather be eating Yubin’s cooking than eating the hospital food for you.” Siyeon laughed
Yoohyeon bursted into a small laughter. Siyeon’s lips curled into a smile as she watched her girlfriend laugh, it’s been a while since she saw the short-haired girl smiling. It feels warm, as if she’s being hugged.
“How’s Pie doing? I miss her” Yoohyeon asked
“She’s doing fine with Yubin. Pie’s gaining weight lately so Yubin gotta take care for that” Siyeon explained
“Good Lord. I bet mom’s been adding too many portions to Pie’s food more than the vet recommended.” Yoohyeon sighs. She brought her palm to her face and shook her head.
“Hmm, God knows.”
The fact that Siyeon sees Yoohyeon looking okay, she knows that deep down the younger girl is hiding her sorrow. Yoohyeon kept her feelings to herself as she doesn’t want the others— especially Siyeon to worry about her. They’ve been together for long, and that alone is enough for Siyeon to know her girlfriend well and she’s able to see right through her.
As much as Siyeon wanted Yoohyeon to go back home from the hospital soon enough, she knew that it might take some time before Yoohyeon could actually do it. She misses those times when they’re taking pictures together. And as Siyeon thinks, her heart sank deeper into her chest.
Noticing that Siyeon’s distressed expression, she brought her other hand and placed it on top of Siyeon’s gently.
“You missed those times we spent taking hundreds of pictures of each other?” Yoohyeon blurted
Siyeon glanced over. “Huh…?”
“Siyeon, we’ve been together for ages. I know what you were thinking.” Yoohyeon sighs. “You missed those times. And so am I. But I— I don’t even know if we can do it again— I’m… Not sure.”
Siyeon hung her head. She’s defeated, her lips were shut and she couldn’t think of what to say, she couldn't even look at Yoohyeon. Neither of them knows when they can start doing things together again, as if it was being taken away without both of them being able to take it back.
“I’m sorry.” Siyeon insinuated. “I’m sorry, Yoohyeon. If only I could do something for you, I— I would’ve got you out from here. But… Look at me, I don’t even know what to do when I miss those times.”
Tears shimmered in Siyeon’s eyes. The thought of losing someone she held dear haunts her mind, she doesn’t want to feel such horrible feelings, not when she got Yoohyeon by her side. Heavy sighs escaped her lips and tears fell, as an ache started deep inside her heart. With a haunted expression, Siyeon admitted, “… I hate it if I have to lose you.”
Yoohyeon’s face had turned agonised. The corner of her eyes crinkled and tears fell silently from there. She reached out her arms and pulled Siyeon close to her, Yoohyeon rested her face on Siyeon’s neck and sniffed there.
“I don’t want to leave you.” Yoohyeon’s voice began to heighten, her shoulders drooping as she sniffed against Siyeon’s jaw. “I don’t want to leave you! I hate it! I want to be with you forever!”
The older girl pulled Yoohyeon into a hug, she tightened her arms and let Yoohyeon cry inside her embrace. Those cries that she heard are honestly painful , but Siyeon just let Yoohyeon be.
Neither of them don’t want to lose the other.
Neither of them are prepared to say goodbye.
… Only for one of them to leave when they’re not ready to let the other go just yet .
—
“We’ve done everything we could, but I’m afraid that we couldn’t save her. She’s already passed away peacefully.”
Minji burst into tears as the doctor finished announcing the news. Her legs lost their strength and she fell into the floor, tears kept falling as she screamed into her hands. Yubin held Minji close and wrapped her arms around her waist, she tried to hold her tears but it broke at the end.
… No.
No.
No.
No.
Siyeon’s expression went despondent. Minji’s cries rangs and echoed inside her mind, everything seemed to fade away into nothingness, her heart started to ache, every Yoohyeon’s expressions she remembered went distorted.
Fears, guilt, anxiety, sorrow, all turned into one big wave and drowned Siyeon in. Memories flashes in and out, coming back and forth as they please, a familiar voice sounds so distant. Siyeon tried to follow it, but she lost.
No. This can’t be happening.
“… Liar.” Siyeon’s hands tightened into fists, she approached the doctor and grabbed him by his suit. “LIAR! You could’ve saved her ! She’s still ALIVE!” She halts. “BRING HER BACK TO ME! TO US!! NOW!!!!”
“STOP!” Yubin yells on top of her lungs. She inhales, her eyes swam with tears. Yubin let out a sigh, “… She’s gone, Siyeon. That’s the end .” A brief pause— Yubin glanced over Siyeon. “That’s the end . She’s no longer here with us, she’s gone.”
Siyeon stares at the younger girl furiously, “Cut with the crap, Yubin. She’s still—.”
“She’s GONE !” Yubin yells once again. “She’s gone , Siyeon. I— we don’t want her to suffer any of this again. She doesn’t need to feel any pain again.”
Tears shone in Siyeon’s eyes, eyebrows rose. She knows that Yoohyeon has gone , but her heart, her mind refuses to tell her that and keeps denying.
She swore that she wouldn’t say goodbye. Was all of this a joke to fate? A joke to her? What was the last promise they made— a promise that they’ll make another memory to keep?
Those are supposed to be kept by both of them. Those are supposed to be something that they’ll take a look at when they’re getting old. Yoohyeon promised that she’ll make more of them.
But,
How would Siyeon suppose to keep them together when someone so precious to her, is taken away from her, and all of those memories slowly fade into nothing ?
Siyeon looked heavenward. “Yoohyeon…,” she called desperately. “… How am I supposed to keep you within me…?”
—
Her heart stung as she recalled those mournful moments. Even as months passed by, as the time ticked by, as the days came forward, Siyeon could never erase that exact moment. As if it reminds her that everything that she had has gone and will never return.
It hurts. Everything hurts. The hollow feelings and those distorted memories remain seated deep within Siyeon’s heart. A face that used to be familiar turned into something confusing, the warmth of an embrace turned cold, the angelic voice that she used to hear has gone astray.
This isn’t something that it’s supposed to be .
No matter how hard Siyeon tries to deny everything, reality hits her. It doesn’t matter how hard Siyeon tries to cling onto that memory, that voice, that warmth, the reality stays the same; that she’s gone and that’s it. That’s the end of the memories.
When Siyeon closed the album, something slipped away and fell on top of her knees. She glanced over it and found an envelope. ‘A letter?’ Siyeon thought to herself.
She pulls open the envelope and finds a piece of paper inside it, unfolds the paper and begins to read what’s written there.
To Siyeon.
Hey, Siyeon, if somehow you got this letter, it means that I’m no longer here.
How are you doing lately? Are you doing okay? Both Minji and Yubin told me that you’ve been crying lately… Were you feeling sad? Are you worried about me?
I’m sorry if I made you so. But, Siyeon, you don’t have to worry about me. I’ve been trying my best to fight, for you, for myself, for Yubin and Minji. And of course… For Pie, too.
If I can be honest with you… It’s… Scary. I’m so scared if I have to leave you behind, when both of us are not ready to say goodbye, not when we have so many memories to create. It’s such a selfish request, isn’t it?
It might be scary, but, whenever I think of you, or when I see your face, I feel strong. It’s as if you’re right beside me to give me the strength I need. I was scared at first but then I wasn’t, your love gave me everything I needed. So… Thank you.
Whenever I see our pictures, I recall those memories behind them, those stories we weaved together. It feels so warm… As if you were there, embracing me and letting me be myself inside your arms.
Don’t blame yourself, okay? It might not be that easy, but I know you can do it. You’re one of the strongest people I’ve ever known, you’re the source of my strength whenever I feel scared or sad. You should know that.
I… Might not be able to stay here for longer. Every time I watch the clock tickling, it feels like my time will come anytime soon. I was so scared that I couldn’t sleep at all, afraid that I might not be able to open my eyes, unable to see you again.
My Siyeon… I will always, and forever, love you. Our love is so precious to me that I want you to remember, and to keep it within your heart.
Perhaps, in another life, in another name and form, we’re still together and we love each other. There’s always possibilities, right?
Thank you, Siyeon.
For teaching me things that I didn’t know, for giving me the love that I yearned for, for holding my hands whenever I feel unsure, for being my everything .
Always remember: you’re my one and only, my universe.
Keep us in your memories for me… Okay?
—Love, Yoohyeon.
Tears ran down Siyeon’s cheeks when she read the last few sentences. She hugged the letter close to her chest. Her head turned away and her shoulders were trembling.
“… You’re so stupid, are you really serious telling me to keep us within me for you?” Siyeon intoned. “Goddamn you…”
The once distorted, cold memories came back with it’s true colour.
It wasn't sadness. It wasn’t those last moments. It wasn’t the time when Siyeon realised that she had lost her one and only.
It was…
Yoohyeon’s smile.
— the end.