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"We are here today because life boils down to a series of questions sometimes, all of which can be stupidly domestic. Who has cold feet, who secretly enjoys crap telly, and who really spoils JB. You all can see the answers as: Eggsy, Harry, and Harry."
("Merlin." Harry says, exasperated, earning himself a glare from Eggsy.)
"It seems like mere seconds before one acquires the answers, but we all know time is relative.
"With that being said, which on hogs the blankets?"
"It's been confirmed that it's Harry, but Eggsy retaliates by sprawling, making him sweat for his clothed greed."
"Who cuts the other's hair?"
(Merlin laughs here)
"Harry Hart is too much of a prat to have his hair anything other than perfect."
("It's a gentlemen's duty to look put together." Harry mumbles, the tips of his ears red as Eggsy grins along.)
"And truth be told, Eggsy rather likes Gerard a bit too much to have Harry cut his hair."
"Who makes the tea in the morning?"
"According to Eggsy, it's whoever manages to roll out of bed that morning because they both are not morning people, and I just really want to add that, for those who know them, it's because they have so much sex that they're always late."
("Merlin you creepy old man, It happened like, once".)
("No Eggsy it did not happen just once. We had to reupholster the underground's seats because of you two menaces".)
(Cue Harry's eye roll)
"And to answer the question, it's Eggsy."
"Who get's the pizza?"
"Eggsy."
(The audience laughs at that, it's well known about Eggsy's trip to Italy and his disappointment at their "pizza".)
("It wasn't pizza Merlin".)
("Of course it was, you're just used to the American... junk that you and Harry order for take-out because you're both too lazy to actually cook".)
"Who likes their music at full volume?"
"Harry, weirdly enough. He's gone a bit deaf, really. Eggsy, I know, wears earplugs in the field to avoid headaches and can't listen to headphones past half-volume."
"Who complains about the crumbs on the bed?"
"Eggsy. Harry Hart is a glutton and will happily sit in bed all day drinking tea and eating his chocolate digestives."
(Eggsy whispers "Do you want ants Harry? Because that's how you get ants.")
"Who sings and who plays the music?"
"I know for a fact that Harry can sing, because of his amazingly drunken rendition of Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On" at the Christmas party of 08', and Eggsy can play guitar extraordinarily well. Isn't that right Harry, or does that cat have your tongue?"
(Cue another eye roll from Harry and Eggsy starts to hum "Eye of the Tiger." He and Merlin love going around HQ caterwauling any time of day. Harry really should be used to it by now but....)
"Who proposed?"
"Now, seeing as we're all here for a wedding it would only be fit to tell this story, but the couple doesn't actually want you to know. It was Harry, just so you all stop wondering and it's was absolutely lovely."
("Arron, will you sit down.")
("Arron?....")
("Yeah Rox, 'is first name is Arron."Eggsy says with an amused sigh)