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“Fenna? She was just like you.” - Sisko “Second Sight”
The words of Commander Sisko echoed in Nidell’s mind as she boarded the USS Prometheus for possibly the last time. They were kind enough to take her to Starbase Epsilon, where she would accept new transportation to shuttle back to New Halana.
After their first initial meeting, Nidell wondered what Fenna saw in him. Tall, handsome, strong, and kind features to be sure. His eyes had a hypnotizing quality to them, but he was the station commander! Just how had Fenna found him?
Nidell felt sorry for the commander, but she also felt sorry for herself, as she watched Deep Space 9 slip away. He had had only a fairytale, but it had been so real to him. Then he had found the real version. Nidell challenged Sisko’s fairytale by her very existence. She was not his type. She could tell from the way his eyes changed once he realized she was not Fenna. His mannerisms shifted from personal to professional immediately. He would not want her, a quiet woman, a listening woman, a woman who set and changed the tables, who followed calmly with whatever her husband wanted…
Seyetik.
He who was no longer her husband. She was finally free from him, and it pained her that that knowledge gave her a modicum of joy. She could go home again. She would no longer have to listen to his monologues, be dragged halfway across the galaxy to soothe his ego so he could play hero yet again.
But she would never hear his voice again, his endless excitement at the discovery of something new. He had literally changed worlds. He had saved her own. His passion was what had drawn her to him and was what had driven them apart. He never could make the time to put her first. She had thought her infatuation was his own in the beginning and that would develop into the intimate connection all Halanans desired.
Had she found it in Fenna, in Commander Sisko?
Nidell felt the engines shift beneath her and watched the stars blur as they jumped into warp. She followed each pinprick of light for as long as she could.
All she had were questions, and the sadness inside of her ate at her. Gideon was gone. She could go home now. She was going home now.
She stared past the stars and gazed at her reflection. Only Nidell stared back. Fenna was gone, and she couldn’t remember her. Yet she could imagine Commander Sisko wrapping his arm around her, showing her the wormhole open and close. What had the commander seen in Fenna?
And they were alike? It bothered her because that was almost unheard of. Halanan telepathic projections often took on exaggerated or even repressed characteristics of their creator. Frequently, they were searching for something, but rarely knew what. Projections weren’t common on New Halana, and if one projection did appear, the host was hospitalized immediately.
Her thoughts spiraled. She had almost died. A second time.
For all his flaws, for all his arrogance, Seyetik had sincerely loved her. He had done his best, but his magnetic personality and charisma all contained an inner core that she could not change. That she did not want to change.
Perhaps it was a sacrifice for her, perhaps it was all just a story for him. But Seyetik had given her an opportunity for a new life. Maybe he was trying to tell her something.
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After being dropped off at Starbase Epsilon, Nidell took the time to wander. She had 8 hours before her shuttle to New Halana began to board. It was unlike her to wander around. Typically, she found a place to sit and would read poetry or work on other projects. Most of time, she simply followed Seyetik around as he greeted friendly strangers and retold his grandiose stories. Without him, she was listless. So she stood up with her bag and began to walk the station.
The woman had no destination, merely letting the ghosts of old conversations and memories guide her. Eventually, she stopped at a viewport. The Prometheus was starting to undock already. She had never noticed the beauty of the starships before, their grace as they maneuvered around the space docks and ports of call.
Nidell recalled that she told Commander Sisko she was going to head home. She had seen enough of space to last her a lifetime. Halanans were a reserved species. They preferred to stay on their own planet; they were not what humans would call explorers. Not of the physical realms at least. Halanans preferred adventures through their minds, philosophizing on the meaning of life, pursuing art and literature.
She had seen terraforming as a beautiful art. It was part of her initial attraction to Seyetik. His artistic nature as he crafted New Halana into being. And he? What had he seen in her? She had told him Halanans mated for life. He had accepted that. Had he thought things would be different? That she would be different?
Nidell did not know his other wives or their reasons for leaving. Perhaps she would meet them at his memorial service. Perhaps they would be similar, perhaps all very different.
For the first time, she looked forward to meeting them, to meeting others. She looked into space and wondered who else was out there. What else was out there. Did she actually want to go home? Was that what she truly wanted? Or was she running, searching for something? Like Fenna was?
In the viewport, in the glint of the Prometheus’ running lights bouncing off the starbase’s reflective windows, Nidell could almost see Fenna standing beside her, eyes wide to the stars. They were both searching for something. Nidell assumed she would find it back on New Halana. That was her home, after all. But Fenna, and Commander Sisko, whispered something in her ear. That there was more than New Halana, and there was more than following Seyetik around as if nothing else mattered.
She didn’t have to be anyone or do any particular thing. Seyetik had taken care of her. She had enough credits. She would not want for anything for the rest of her days. Nidell glanced over to the smaller ships also in space dock. She could hop on any one of them, go anywhere in the galaxy. Really, what was stopping her?
She could see Fenna beside her, smiling and encouraging her.
“You were just like her,” she heard Sisko say again. Nidell turned away from the window to look at the rosters of the ships boarding soon. She wouldn’t overthink it. She picked the first one that sounded interesting, the first one that was leaving, and walked over to its docking port.
Maybe she could be like Fenna after all.
Fin