Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

I fail to carry the rain with me
When I descend into the labyrinth, lost as I desire

We wander in opposite directions, just like before

Without her
gone is my fire

    ୭

—-------

    ☆

"A very good morning to you."

Soyo's head jerks up.

Strange… she thought she was at school. But she's found herself within RiNG's walls instead. Did she daydream? That seems unlikely; standing in the lobby and dozing off in front of the studio entrance seems like an implausible prospect, especially for her. And yet, looking across the hazy figures at the counters and tables, she can't remember how she got to this point in the afternoon. It's like there was nothing else prior. The weather is blank, space is clear, and the entire building feels miles above ground. As if this was the moment she woke up, and the day until now was a pointless slumber. Though with how colorless her school routine is lately, perhaps that's not a surprise; gone are its few points of growth she used to have. It'd be no exaggeration to say she's going through the motions there like an eye-catching doll, spick and sickeningly span.

No wonder the studio door is so alluring now. She can hear the heat, sneaking through its soundproofing. She knows what's on the other side. The more time passes, the more she's subconsciously clung to this torrential sound, the more she's fallen into its web and showed her true colors in its depths… it's the one thing she can call her own. When she feels those hands enveloping her, the bustling everyday ceases to reach her senses, and all she can hear are the cries of the stars. Each melody is a whisper, and each shout is a spark. It takes a moment for Soyo to recognize this one; Moudoku ga Osou. It's a cover they haven't played in a while.

Well. Strange as it is for her to arrive last, she's still entering. She could never stop wanting this sound, anyway. It's got its claws in her. She's a part of it. She yearns to scream alongside it, and she's too laced into its threads to repress that side of herself now. She opens the door-

-The sound falls apart.

Soyo blinks. Did she mishear? She thought everyone was mid-rehearsal; they're all standing in their places too, instruments at the ready. Weren't they just playing…?

Maybe her brain's still half-asleep. Either way, Soyo enters the studio, unpacking her bass and bringing it out. When she looks up, she notices everyone's staring at her. "I know. It's strange for me to be late," she says. "Though I've told you, you don't have to wait for me-"

-…She stops.

Something is off. She thought the silence was just mild surprise until now; but looking closer, she's noticed everyone has a grave expression.

And then she notices something that spreads a chill across her back.

They're standing on nothing.

Soyo looks down. The 'floor' is blindingly blank; it's as if someone photographed the center of the Sun, printed that out, and swallowed the ground with it. Silhouettes are frozen lifelessly in place across the mirror at her left, their legs dissipated towards the bottom. Soyo freezes with them… unsure of what she's seeing. She blinks a few times, but that only causes the discrepancies to rearrange themselves. And no matter how many seconds pass, everyone continues to stare at her in a way that makes her gut crawl. Wh-What's with them? Normally, someone would've made an irritating quip by now, or told her to hurry into position… but instead, their reactions're as silent as a stopped clock. Anon is looking at her blankly; almost surprised, but ultimately disappointed; and Taki's expression is that of fury. Only Raana continues to play, plucking her muted strings as if Soyo isn't even here.

But that's not the most disturbing thing.

What blindsides Soyo most is the sight of a bizarre, formless figure, standing in her usual place. It's made of clinical white, holding a much sleeker bass in its hands with the posture of a professional. Soyo tries to quash her nerves; "Who are you?"

"Isn't it obvious?" Anon states. "She's your replacement."

Soyo's bass thuds against the ground.

…She furiously steps forward, arms brittle; "S-Since when?!"

Taki winces. "What do you care? You left."

"I… what?"

"…Why…?"

The voice that connected to her cleaves through her chest.

Her heart constricts. Breath caught in her throat, she turns to the center of the room, and comes face-to-face with a broken gaze. "Tomori? Wh-What do you mean?" She tries to reach out. "What happened…?"

But Tomori looks away. "Why did you return?"

"Why wouldn't I? I'm your bandmate."

"N-No. You didn't want this band… Taki told me. She said you lied about your promise."

Soyo's voice breaks. "But you tried to get me back anyway."

"…I did."

"Then why? Why?!" She falls to her knees, gripping Tomori's wrist. "You brought me back yourself! You dragged me all the way to the stage! You told me you wouldn't let go! And I… I needed that. I said I was grateful for that-"

-But her hand is moved off. It limply falls to the ground. When she looks up, pain has wracked itself across Tomori's face. "No… you just said you wanted to end this."

There is not a sound around RiNG.

As the building floats miles above the ground, Soyo uselessly lingers on the floor. Slowly, her body loses all the warmth it had. Threads she finally chose to believe in betray her trust, revealing themselves as flimsy cobwebs; falling apart in an instant and leaving nothing but a void. "H-How could you? I… I didn't," she croaks, "I don't want it to be over… I could never, I-I…"

But her voice doesn't reach. It can't connect to Tomori.

"Soyo. You don't belong here."

She looks up. Anon's eyes are boring holes into her. "But I… I want to stay."

"So? It's not all about you. You're used to this anyway, aren't you?"

A tear runs down Soyo's cheek; "N-No, don't say that! Please, I need you! I need y-"

"Just face it. --    -- We've cut ties. --

    -- So let go already."

--    —

"-Ah!"

Soyo shoots up from her bed, panting. Beads of sweat streak down her face, freezing on her chin. There's nothing but the sounds of her own distress; nary a gale nor molecule moves outside. In fact, the only evidence of an outside at all is the faint pale moonlight, dissipating around the edges of the curtains blocking her view. Without it, the only color that can paint her expansive room is a thick, slathering blue, coating the sparse table and empty stretches surrounding her bed.

…She grips her covers, tightly enough that her knuckles turn white. But suppressing her tears only lets her other emotions roam; her expression crumbles, and she reaches out to-

-…no one.

There is no one in the bed next to her.

Soyo's confused at first. Isn't someone right there? There absolutely is; she can hear the stomp echoing across the venue, reverberating inside her heart. Someone is right in front of her, having shoved through an entire crowd of countless names and faces just to reach out to Soyo Nagasaki. Soyo closes her eyes… imagining a pair of scorching hands, fiercely dragging her back in, so she can be pulled up by the devil and admit what she wants.

But there is no one else in the bed.

At that moment, she snaps out of it. What's going on with her? Is she delusional? It's not as if she invited anyone for a sleepover. And yet, for some reason, she instinctively assumed…

…n-no, she's disoriented. Don't panic. Makes sense her mind would be dislodged after a tasteless nightmare. Let's get some water… no, tea. She's obviously not going to sleep anytime soon. May as well help herself.

Soon enough, the lights turn on and cover all but the corners of the living room. As she begins to calm down, a thick grey coats the sky on all sides, black clouds smothering in its midst. There'll probably be a downpour; Soyo should consider herself lucky these luxurious confines block it. There won't even be a leak. All the drops will simply spray across those enormous windows, unable to get inside. Though to be honest, she's tempted to step outside anyway; the interior of this place never felt small enough for two, let alone one. It only started feeling lived in once there were other visitors. Now, when Soyo looks at the apartment's soft lights, all she can think about is how much warmer they are when she has company. That's been more and more blatant to her with each passing month. She… she already misses it.

She misses them.

She's stopped shaking, but the stress still has a subtle grip on her. Soyo's never been a stranger to dreams; it's only because of recent developments that they've started to affect her more. This one especially. Tonight of all nights, she can't deny that craving she has for comfort; it'd claw its way out, even if she buried it beneath the thickest mask she had.

Besides, she's got the neediest bandmates in the world. Who cares if she's needy herself? With that in mind, Soyo carries her cup to the couch and quietly takes a seat, light from the table's lamp slowly soothing her face. She takes a sip of the roasted green tea… a kind she's recently started relying on when she feels alone. Browsing her phone, nobody else in the band seems to be online; for once, she's the one awake at an unusual time instead of vice versa. But that doesn't stop her from wanting some kind of interaction. Anything will do. Just something to ease the ache in her chest. Her girlfriend's messages are the first that come to mind; Anon's long dozed off, but Soyo sends her a 'sweet dreams', just so she can have a facsimile of that snaking love. She then scrolls down her contacts further, and-

-

-Tomori is awake.

Soyo immediately puts her phone to sleep. Then she places it down, gets up, and heads back to her room. It lingers there; the welcoming scent of the tea, wrapping around the table it lies upon. A scent that should be too sweet for Soyo's palate.

But as she turns the lights off… she notices she left that lamp on. And when she heads back to switch it off,

she.

Can't help but pause.

Its circle of illuminating warmth is wrapping around her hand.

…

…Rain begins to cover the windows.

Soyo sits down and helps herself. She brewed it; may as well drink it all. Of course, she won't stay long; she'll just remain here for a bit. Then she'll go back to her room.

She ends up falling asleep on the couch.

    ୭

—-------

    ☆

When Soyo wakes up, twilight is whispering across the soaked buildings. It's a light she's never seen her surroundings in before; that's the only reason she even realizes she got up an hour early. As she goes through her morning routine at a slower pace, she questions whether she ever stopped dreaming.

That question is answered soon enough. Because the moment twilight ends, it's back to her school day; and it's a nightmare made reality.

*tick*

Not because it jeers at Soyo, or terrifies her; but because it creeps into her.

*tock*

Between the new headteacher and the sleep deprivation, being a gentle breeze has never felt more suffocating.

*tick*

Part of her is tempted to glance at that one window, in that one hallway, where the garden is visible below.

*tock*

But there's no comfort to be found in cucumber plants anymore. Instead, as Soyo makes merry with her courteous friends, and hears about their grandiose family trees… a different kind of desperation holds her.

*tick*

One that wants to confirm what she has.

*tock*

What she… should have.

*tick*

What didn't leave her behind.

*tock*

What embraced her with open arms.

*tick*

What she needs.

*...tock*

Her heart clutching, she excuses herself as politely as she can manage the moment the bell rings. Before she knows it, she's hurrying to RiNG, making her way through the crowded streets under a layer of clouds. She bumps past two strangers on the way, forgetting to even apologize, her mind only focused on ensuring RiNG is on the horizon as soon as possible.

There it is. Soyo's tension begins to fade. In some ways, the huge windows covering this entrance remind her of her apartment; but the familiar figures and modest lighting inside are far more inviting. She takes a deep breath, trying to untangle the bizarrely melodramatic mixture swirling around in her head; then quickly, she enters, greets the staff with a sparse amount of decorum, and walks over to the studio they've booked, biting her lip.

The moment she reaches the door, she stops cold.

…Here she is.

It's silent. Presumably, she's the first to arrive, so that makes sense. And yet… her spine can't help but clatter when she reaches for the handle. A part of her wonders; *is* she still dreaming? Or did she start dreaming, the moment she woke up from that 'nightmare'? She knows it's a silly question… she can tell she's in reality. But she's anxious nonetheless. Terrified, even. This place holds too much meaning to her. She's broken down sobbing several times here, in the arms of those who embraced her true face. The thought of that dream being even remotely real, it's-

*fwump*

-her fears are sent flying away.

Soyo makes an uncharacteristic yelp and blushes, completely unprepared for the voice she hears: "Soyorin~."

Warmth floods into her body. Urgh… those aggravatingly affectionate arms, wrapping around her waist, burying themselves snugly into her uniform and leaving enough creases to spin around her heart… it's an accursed, blissful gesture, peach and pink in equal parts. Soyo's brain feels like a bubble bath. Th-This is so sudden… normally, she wouldn't pay it much mind, but right now it's overwhelming; she fixates on the softness pressing into her back, complemented by that nonchalant hum, tinged with just enough indulgence that its owner is unmistakable. The worst part, though, is that Soyo didn't need to hear that cutesy nickname or ear-worm of a voice to know Anon's embracing her; no, she was able to tell just from the texture of Anon's clothes. She can identify Haneoka's uniform from touch.

The only reason she remains intact is because Anon eventually lets go. She slips around to check her face; "You okay? Normally you would've insulted me by now. What, can't handle how you have such a pretty girlfriend?"

"…Perhaps I can't."

Anon chuckles at that. Then her expression relaxes, and she rests a hand on Soyo's face. "You stayed up late, didn't you? If you want, we can have a lie down in the studio."

This isn't good. N-Not at all. Soyo's cheek buzzes from an old memory; she already craves this touch enough on a bad day, but on a day as bad as this? Her yearning's maddening enough to be embarrassing. Anon's brazenness isn't helping; normally, Soyo expects a peck on the cheek, or a little brush of the wrist, or an arm slinging around her… Anon can do plenty more than that, sure, but there's usually some kind of pretense, or bluster, or idiocy involved! This is comparatively… earnest. The thought is terrifying; a casually intimate Anon is already a threat and a half, but this? This is more.

And Soyo can't help but crave it. "W-What you did just now; do it again."

"Really? Lucky me~."

Anon obliges, snuggling up to Soyo with an eager smile. Soyo runs a hand through the miscreant's hair in spite of herself; she won't relish this for long, but just a minute won't hurt. Once she's calmed down, then she can push Anon away again. It's best not to get too attached, even if they're dating now. Because…

…Soyo still feels like an intruder.

"Hey, Soyorin, since I'm indulging you… how about I get a little something in return?"

She scowls. "That being?"

Anon points at her lips. "Here~."

-Her scowl topples. "What?!"

"What's that look for? I'm your girlfriend now. Don't be shy~."

She says it with all the merriness of a puppy who's learned pavlovian conditioning. Soyo barely manages to resist; "Absolutely not. And especially not in public. Couldn't you pick a better time and place?"

"C'mon, it's not a big deal, is it~? Just a quick little kiss."

She's tempted to agree, for payback's sake. Anon loves to push her buttons without processing the consequences… nothing would feel better than bowling her over with what she asked for. But she resists that urge; "N-No, not now."

Anon leans forward. "Later then~?"

…She breathes. She's about to respond yes-

"Couldn't you have waited until you were in the studio?"

-But the moment she sees Taki standing there, she immediately pushes Anon off, causing Anon to bleat. "Don't give me that look," Soyo cuts, returning Taki's second-hand embarrassment with a blank expression, "you can blame her for that one."

"Didn't seem that way to me-"

"We didn't do anything." She glares to make her point clear. "Don't get the wrong idea. I don't have any intention of returning her affection."

…Taki's brow relaxes. "Why not?"

"…"

She has no idea how to respond. Fortunately, Anon saves her the trouble; "Rickyyyy~, Soyorin's playing cold." She points at her cheek. "Gimme the usual."

"After practice."

"…Always 'after practice' with you," Anon sighs, "can't you be a bit less uptight? We've been dating for 5 months."

"If you're sweaty and exhausted from guitar, you'll be too tired to hold a kiss over my head," Taki explains. "If you want it that bad, let's get on with rehearsal already."

"Fine, fine. I can wait."

Anon gives a wave and heads inside. That leaves Soyo with her comrade in suffering. You'd presume that's a solace, but it's not, because lately, Taki's started saying things like this; "Every time I see you two, I feel like I'm on a sitcom."

"That's my line," she retorts. "I should be compensated for the mental damage of watching you. Do you even realize how absurd you just sounded?"

"Not as absurd as you of all people nearly kissing her in broad daylight."

Soyo winces. "She literally asked you for a kiss too. What am I doing that you're not?"

"…Do you seriously not realize?"

"Realize what?"

Taki looks at the door. "She's so… forward with you. It's not like her. It's freaky," she says. "Don't tell anyone; but last time I kissed her on the lips, she forgot how to breathe. And the last time Tomori did it to her, she fainted. She'll regret anything more than the cheek the moment we try it; whereas she's clawing at you for exactly that."

Preposterous. She's not going to take the Affection Award lying down; not after watching Anon and Tomori be glued to each other constantly. Not after sitting through months of the ridiculous games she and Taki start. "I… you're seeing things. Who's to say she won't react the same way if I try?"

Taki raises an eyebrow.

"Don't look at me like that. I told you, I'm not going to be openly intimate with her."

Taki glances aside. "I mean… look, yeah, I know. It's embarrassing," she says, "but it's not anything to worry about. It just means Anon's changed because of you. And… it's a good change. I think."

"Taki, we're not good at lying to each other. If you're jealous, be honest about it."

"…"

But no response. Is… Taki actually okay with this? That doesn't make sense. From Taki's perspective, Soyo should be the interloper; the extra ingredient, throwing the entire dish's flavor off-balance. She expected her venom to be objectionable once it actually mixed in. Perhaps it's just because Taki is so used to that venom already, that she has no complaints; strange, given her possessive streak, but at the very least explainable.

There is no explanation, however, for why a certain someone accepts it.

"Tomori!"

She jolts; sharply turning around upon Taki's exclamation. Her breath is caught in her throat at the sight of Tomori's timid figure. If you asked MyGO who its leader was, there'd be a lot of squabbling. Anon would be the reluctantly-agreed result. But ask anyone outside the band; or Soyo, for that matter; and there'd be a completely unified answer:

Tomori Takamatsu.

Anon pokes her head out of the studio door; "Morning, Tomorin!"

The two lovebirds head to Tomori's side, wasting no time asking how she's doing. Tomori's only responses are nods, but to those jesters, that's practically ambrosia. Tomori could breathe and they'd swoon. They see her with rose-tinted glasses… Soyo, on the other hand, is less delusional. She knows better than to underestimate her. That venom is perfectly visible; Tomori isn't covering it with any kind of facade. She's constantly vulnerable, awkward… she's afraid, and she's stubborn, too stubborn, and she clings to things in messy, unsustainable and unrealistic ways, and-

-See, if only it were that simple.

As Soyo watches Tomori be doted upon, she finds herself rewinding to an ever-repeating question. One that only weighs on her more, now that she failed to leave again:

Why her?

At this point, she understands how someone as selfish as her succeeded. They were both desperate; begging for something not to be lost. But Tomori possesses something Soyo doesn't: Resonance. She can reach out to others in ways Soyo is incapable of. That's why Soyo was thrown away like roadside garbage for her efforts, while Tomori's resulted in her being uncontrollably drawn in.

But that's the thing. It's not as if Soyo walked onto the stage of her own volition. Tomori literally dragged her there. She *chose* Soyo. Furiously. Of all the people she could've related to, she picked the repulsive monster; the one who hurt her. Every time Soyo remembers that day, she feels… indignant. She's never gotten over it. There's no reason it *had* to be her, right? Tomori could find others to relate to; if longing was all that guided her, there was no need for Soyo's heart to be the target.

So why?

"Soyorin, over here~! I'm taking a photo for the account."

Soyo frowns, having no intention of joining…

…that is, until she sees a trace of flame glance her way. Reluctantly, she walks into frame. But she ends up looking in the opposite direction from Tomori; so the photo's another failure. "C'mon, you guys," Anon complains, "can't we just stay still for once?"

"Don't know what you were expecting," Taki says. "This isn't even a full group photo. We're one short."

"What, you think Raana'd look at the camera and say cheese?"

…Soyo wonders. She… could lay all the blame on Anon, couldn't she? Credit the devil where it's due. But no; in Soyo's opinion, that devil was one of a pair… an imp with a soft blue sigil of unbridled need, whispered lovingly onto the front of its neck; the red counterpart on its giver. Anon was put under a spell by Tomori's words; and because she *wasn't* Tomori, Soyo made the mistake of letting her in. That infectious warmth… if only Soyo had noticed it sooner, she could've evaded it.

'I don't understand.
I can't ever find it.
Not the right answer. Not what normal is.'

But by the time she was pulled in, it was too late. Now that sigil pulses, and ripples, and flows into her breath too. And every time she remembers it, she…

"Well, stray cat'll show up eventually. Let's get started."

…No, stop. Forget it. She can't think about this any further.

Soyo lets herself go with the flow, trying to take her mind off things. But as everyone starts entering the studio… she notices one person hasn't moved at all. It's Tomori. Her hesitant gaze is wandering near Soyo again, the corner of her eye flickering back and forth. Is something on her mind? She's been acting like this ever since-

Tomori takes a deep breath and faces Soyo directly.

-ba-thump

Soyo's flow collapses into rapids. She gulps, instinctively looking away.

There it is. That fire.

She could never forget that fire.

Summer is a blizzard compared to Tomori's anger. And Soyo knows why she's seeing it right now. "It's been a couple of weeks since I… tried to leave," she says to Tomori. "How are you?"

Tomori can't find the words. But her burning feelings are blatant. Her irises are brimming with light.

That's enough to clue Soyo in; and she doesn't see the point in making excuses. "You never like it when I'm dishonest, do you? You know… I envy you."

Tomori steps closer. "W-We want you here. With us. Always."

"Even if I keep causing trouble?"

"MyGO never has to end."

She bites her lip. She doesn't know how to deal with this fire. She never has. Soyo doesn't know when the girl she once saw as docile started uncompromisingly lunging into her heart, again and again. She'll demand the world and more, without any sense of restraint; it's no wonder she and Anon are thick as thieves. "I know. I owe you an apolo-"

Tomori shakes her head. "-No, just… thank you. For… choosing to stay."

"…All I'm doing is returning a favor," Soyo says, stepping into the studio. "You didn't let go. I won't either."

Rain begins to lightly patter RiNG's windows, echoing through the venue.

If only she could ignore the gasp she just heard from Tomori. But it's impossible. In fact, it's impossible for Soyo to ignore her at all today. Tomori seems spurred now; she enters the studio, taking her microphone with an unusual amount of gumption. And the moment rehearsal starts, she closes her eyes and lets her voice *roar* as Taki leads them in. There's little to separate Soyo from that pitch; in a studio like this, the only barrier between them is a wall of noise. It takes all her strength to focus on her bass and filter out the rest, fighting that electricity, trying not to linger on the way her every atom is being pulled in; like iron fibres, falling off from their conglomerate, individual and fragile, uncontrollably curving in and latching on.

"Before I even realized loneliness began to turn,
My heart alone notices and yearns for another"

Tomori doesn't know what holding back is. Whatever level of emotion she puts in is whatever she's capable of, be it a struggling whisper or a screaming blast. The honesty is piercing; a bolt that blasts any compass to smithereens. Just from hearing it, regret wracks Soyo's wandering mind.

"Amidst the pin and needle-like pain,
I sunk in the powerlessness of being alone"

'If only I could be that honest.'
'If only I could've reached Sakiko like that.'

"There's no turning back
Even from the things I-
-I destroyed it all again!'

…Soyo sees RiNG's venue. Words replace themselves in her head:

'I didn't want to lose it. I didn't want to forget it!'

'Should I have been that forceful?'
'If I gripped Mutsumi's arm and dragged her into this studio, would she have played with me?'
'No. Even I'm not that cruel.'

'But I wasn't strong enough and I ended up letting go…even though I knew it was important!'

'Tomori is cruel.'
'Tomori is reckless.'
'I wouldn't have ever done what she did.'
'But here I am.'

It doesn't make sense to her. It doesn't, it doesn't, it doesn't… she doesn't get why Tomori's voice aimed at *her.* She doesn't get where that compassion came from. It's unacceptable to her… she can't stand it… it makes her seethe…

'Oh, everything's ended up a mess… but if it hasn't disappeared yet, then I want to go back!'

Every time she remembers Tomori slamming her foot down in indignation, she shudders.

'I want to tell them!'

Every time she remembers Tomori baring her heart to everyone, she shakes.

'If it's allowed, then I don't want to give up!'

She hears it; that selfishness, that neediness, that desperation. She hears herself. And at the same time… she hears selflessness. Consideration. Acceptance. Soyo's mind is a vortex; she can't untangle it all. Is she jealous? Furious? Touched? Grateful? Guilt-ridden? Guilt-free? Indulgent? Wanting?

Yearning?

The door opens.

'-Even if I hug my knees and cry,
There will be no change"

Soyo blinks; snapped out of her haze as Raana enters and joins.

"Not even to my sobs
That echo in this quiet room…"

Everyone is following Tomori's voice; amplifying it. She can see the way Taki and Anon look at her. She can see the way Raana's guitar so effortlessly understands her. Only Soyo is an outlier.

'All of us.'

…Why? Why does 'all of us' include her? Why?

The music brakes.

Time has flown by before they know it; they didn't even stop halfway. Tomori is panting. Anon's the first to move, casually walking over and offering Tomori some water. "Good work~."

"Good enough for now," Taki says, getting up. "I'm heading to the cafe. Stray cat, follow me."

Lured by the prospect of snacks, Raana follows her. "Hey, wait for me! I'm wiped too," Anon says.

They quickly pour out of the studio. Only Soyo and Tomori are left.

…The silence is overwhelming.

Soyo frowns. She can see Tomori's expression in the mirror; she's shyly looking aside, unsure of what to say. It's standard fare when the two of them are alone. This isn't Crychic anymore; Soyo has no reason to put on airs. And Tomori struggles to speak for herself without song. Without the pre-set dynamics, they have nothing they can vocalize to each other. Though… even if Tomori reached out to her, she doubts she'd respond. She wouldn't *allow* herself to. Anon's bluster and Taki's brashness have dug into her enough to let her speak on her own terms, but her words are still formless around Tomori. She just… can't accept it. She can't bring herself to accept the contradiction that held her close. She can't in her right mind accept the person who showed her kindness, and care, and gratitude, for what Sakiko called 'unseemly,' because if she does, then…

"Um!"

ba-thump!

…If only she *was* in her right mind.

Soyo turns ever-so-slightly. The moment she does, Tomori gulps. "You… you said you wouldn't let go either. You meant that… right?"

"I did, yes. I can't lie anymore."

Tomori's eyes brighten. She smiles. She reaches forward, her reasoning so transparent Soyo can deduce it without a word; but then she steps back, evidently self-conscious.

So Soyo bridges the remainder… and quietly holds her hand.

"…!"

It's gentle. What Soyo would detest in herself makes Tomori feel soft as a pillow. "You're cruel, Tomori."

"…Eh?"

"For the rest of our lives… do you really think you can pull that off? Do you plan to keep us close forever?" Soyo smiles. "It sounds impossible. But if I'm being honest with myself… I want that too. Even if I can't shake the fear it'll collapse."

"It won't."

Tomori's fingers lock around hers. Her voice is dry; miles from complete certainty; but resounding nonetheless:

"I won't… let us fall apart again. You'll always have us. No matter what."

ba-thump

Something has gone extremely wrong with Soyo.

She shouldn't stand for this. But now that it's so close, she can't shut her eyes anymore. She can't even play it off as a lie. Tomori means everything she says; it's the only way she knows how to be. Whereas Soyo used to hide such repulsive self-centeredness, and even now can't fully express it, Tomori lets it out whenever her emotions will it. She makes known to Soyo what Soyo attempted to hide for months on end. Soyo is… always faced with Tomori's feelings. Without ever fully understanding them.

Her face grows hot. Her body's melting down, free of the locks she always forced on it. She doesn't know how to deal with this… she never has. So, it's with that vortex of vulnerability that she imitates from example, and offers her next action to impulse:

She hugs Tomori.

"…!"

"…"

Her bangs brush against the side of Tomori's cheek, like a raindrop trickling down a window. Tomori is warm; undeniably, unabashedly warm. And her voice is beautiful when quenched.

Soyo couldn't possibly live up to it.

"…"

…She lets go and packs up her bass. "I'll see you tomorrow."

She can feel Tomori's gaze on her back as she leaves.

    ୭

—-------

    ☆

The next time she dreams, she finds herself falling.

Strangely, she's not shocked; she saw this coming. But that doesn't stop her heart from thumping a mile a minute, as she realizes just how disorientingly enormous this city is. Dusk and night deceived her perception and downplayed scale, while the Sun reveals the road for what it is: Endlessly complex. Infinitely deep. As her hair screams upward and her body flies down, she realizes just how unprepared she is. There is no breeze to carry her up, no parachute to stop her descent; she is roaring down, and all she can wish is that she was magically returned to her solitary confines. In a fit of habit, she thinks back to certain memories… reminiscing on them…

…And slowly, her wish comes true. Gravity weakens. The world rotates around her. She drifts back up… trying to breathe in the arctic air…

But then she hears a voice. Instantly, the directions flip. She opens her eyes instinctually, entranced by its warmth.

That will be her end.

Tomori is directly below her.

Her hands reach out and grip Soyo's arms, so they are linked as one. Flaring brown eyes are staring into her soul… welcoming her.

                    Enveloping her.

Gravity doubles. Fire and water, hot and cold; their hearts connect and react to their contrasting essences, forming an asteroid that barrels towards the ground with overwhelming force. Adamantly affectionate arms wrap around her waist, melting her ice into a humidity that summons gales and drizzles upon the surroundings. Gone is the chance for Soyo to tug herself back up; now she is inevitably tied to Tomori as they shoot down. And…

…she wants it. She wants to be here! The core of her being is shrouded in steam, melting her every metal until she can see her own desires for what they are. Faced with them, her mind can only scream out, begging the storm to continue; she wants to watch as Tomori crashes against the ground and tears up the tarmac in her molten wake. She wants to see the fireworks from Tomori's shoulders light up the world.

But then she realizes. It's not just Tomori. She's in for this ride too.

…Does she have the right?

Tomori's hands are saying yes. But Soyo doesn't agree; she doesn't understand the role she plays. What does she bring? Why is her icy chill a part of this reaction? The more she contemplates, the further the asteroid descends, and the deeper her doubt buries. She's face-to-face with a smile she doesn't deserve.

She can't want it.

She can't have it.

But unfortunately for her… all she can do is crave it. She needs it. What was purely selfish becomes a bond when two feel it.

The storm crackles. Her hands rest on the back of Tomori's head, letting her in; feeling that short hair flicker against her face. They shut their eyes… and tempests roar against their descending bodies, as they close in unison what little distance is left… until their lips-

"-...!"

Soyo wakes up.

…She lifts her head from the sofa. Immediately, she checks her phone. It's… only 9pm. Strange; first she woke up in the middle of the night, and now she dozed off early in the evening. So much for her consistent sleep cycle.

Why'd she doze off, anyway? It can't have been daydreaming. She doubts she'd willingly let her longing for Tomori take hold. Standing up, she looks around for an answer; and notices the two cups sitting on the table at her left. One is three-quarters full; the other is nearly empty. Right… she'd just cleaned up dinner after mum came home. She only had a couple hours before wherever her job called her next, but she went out of her way to return for Soyo's cooking. Once upon a time, Soyo would've been nothing but grateful for the gesture.

Now she just wishes she'd convinced her to stay longer.

She could clear up the teacups too. But instead, Soyo lets them sit there; her thoughts are drifting, drawing her to the cool, refreshing howl of the balcony again. As she steps outside, she's greeted by that same mellow blend of blue and orange, covering the city. Dusk skies, full moon… the unabashed coldness of the world, frozen further by the height she stands from. She used to just lie on her bed when she was bored; but ever since she joined MyGO proper, she's preferred this. It offers a good atmosphere to contemplate whatever she wants.

Such as her place.

'Soyo is also lost.'

When she first heard it from Anon, she scoffed; not because she disagreed. Rather, she didn't understand how on earth that justified Tomori wanting her back. Even now, she doesn't. Was that connection all Tomori needed from her? Even though she chewed Anon up and spat her out? Even though she shoved a stake into Taki's conscience? Even though her absence led to a fallout that broke Tomori's heart?

*STOMP!*

It's not as if Soyo was 'forgiven'. In fact, Tomori violently yanking her in felt like retribution. Still, that's too kind by her standards; she expected cold hate. Not a burning callout. She didn't think Tomori's every burst of flame would scream for Soyo's honesty. She thought they'd at least want her apology, but no; they just wanted her. They're not looking for some kind of redemption… time and time again, they drag back Soyo as she is: Cold. Callous. Conflicted.

She wonders. If it wasn't for Tomori… would the others even want her to stay? It was Tomori who couldn't accept a MyGO without Soyo. Even with all the love and care she attracted, she risked it all, just to have Soyo there too.

Why?

bzzt bzzt!

…A text. Either Anon's bothering her again, or…

9:18pm
                    Taki: Can I?

Soyo: Go ahead

Soyo responds immediately, though with no added punctuation. It couldn't differ more from the kind of message she'd send a classmate; ironic, but she prefers it this way. It's amusing that within MyGO's messages, Taki's the one who types like the Tsukinomori student.

It's also amusing that there's always a 2-minute wait between her entering Soyo's place, and actually heading over to say hi. What happens in the interim? Does she awkwardly stand at the entrance, wondering whether she's allowed to be here? That sounds pretty Taki-esque. Still, she always crawls over to the balcony in the end. "You don't need permission to enter," Soyo says, turning to her and seeing an amethyst's open gleam. "You have the keys, don't you?"

Taki fishes them out. "Hasn't Anon been hounding you about these?"

"That's why I gave them to you. It's fun watching her squirm."

There's a brief laugh. "Was wondering why it seemed too nice."

Soyo smiles, making a similarly tired chuckle. Even at her most vulnerable, Taki's awkwardly deflective. It's pointless, really; they both know why she's here. When they can't bear their own homes anymore, they find respite in each other's. It's a habit they've gotten into ever since Taki started dating Tomori. Apparently, being an honorary Takamatsu resident and drowning in Anon's attention isn't enough for someone as needy as Taki; she craves Soyo's solidarity too. She needs a fellow beast to prowl with. And no matter what she says, her very presence makes that known.

Good thing Soyo's the same way. "I'll get out your futon later. In the meantime," she says, "just lend me your lap again."

…Taki is surprised; but she obliges, lying against the wall and sitting down. "I thought I was the one imposing."

"Do as you please after. We'll make it a trade."

"If you say so," Taki responds. "I'm just surprised."

"I've been a mess lately."

"That so?"

Soyo sinks into her embrace. Wolves really are pack animals, aren't they? Lying on Taki's shoulder, she contemplates how Taki feels compared to Anon; she'll never experience what Taki's gone through, but she's anything but naive to feeling every reminder of what your body has become. In the same way she detests her self-impositions, she can clue into what Taki's resigned herself to. For a second… she wonders how her classmates would react, if Taki was seen around her near Tsukinomori; would they stare at Taki with disdain? Maybe confusion? They've been raised to look their part; they and Soyo have held themselves up to standards Taki could never achieve. She doubts they'd mistake her for a man, but she also doubts Taki'd be free of judgment. She doesn't fit the mold of a place like that.

Of course, that only makes Soyo cling to her more. Her presence in this pretentiously pristine apartment is positively relaxing. She'd be bothered about feeling this way; the two of them have a rather mucky history; but she's too used to it at this point. Besides, having these abrasively affectionate arms wrap around her waist festers her greed; she and Taki would never admit it, but they've been clinging to their mutual honesty. Given what she let Soyo take from her on this balcony, neither of them see the point in masking their ugly faces or disheveled fur. They have nothing to hide around each other.

…Yes. They have nothing to hide. Soyo moves up a bit; "Could I borrow your back?"

Taki nods, shifting around. Soyo clutches her tightly from behind, and buries her face into the back of her neck. "What's bothering you?" Taki asks. "You seemed tense today."

"…Lots of things," she responds. "Am I-"

-She pauses.

Let's… ask about someone else first. "Am I taking Anon from you?"

"If you're worried about that, don't be. She's bothering me twice as much these past few days."

"To make up for lost time?"

"I think she just likes being annoying."

"…Pft." She'll admit, that checks out. "I'm still shocked you were in on her plan. Did you think I'd actually leave?"

"Trust me," Taki says, "look at that fake-dating scenario from any angle but yours, and it was obvious how you felt."

Soyo sighs. "That mutt'll be the death of me."

"Tell me about it."

"So. You're fine with us, then?" Soyo asks, moving back and nudging Taki so she can look at her face. "She evidently is. But you never stated your opinion of me intruding on your polycule. Personally, you're all a bit mushy for my taste."

Taki responds with about as taciturn an expression as she can have. "To be honest? Felt like you were there from the start."

"…Is that so," Soyo mutters. "And…… how about Tomori? What did she say?"

"I'm keeping some secrets. But she's really happy you're here. In her own words."

There it is again. That frustrating warmth; it's either the first thing she wanted to hear or the last, and she can't tell which. "I. I could quit a thousand times over, and she'd still try to get me back," Soyo mutters. "I don't understand her… I never have. She doesn't hate me at all, does she? Even despite how I've hurt her. Though I suppose there's no point questioning it."

"Sounds like you've questioned it a lot."

She winces. "And if I have?"

…Taki takes the opportunity to lie her head on Soyo's shoulder. "You hurt her, huh… didn't even think about it from that perspective."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, she was obviously mad at you. But I figured it was out of concern more than anything. She didn't want you to shut yourself away like she did after Crychic."

Soyo's stomach sinks. "I… what…?" She shakes her head. "No, but that's not the same. Crychic wasn't her fault."

"She still thinks it was."

"That's just her opinion. We're not the same. I nearly broke this band myself," Soyo protests. "…I don't understand. I could tell, you know; the moment she stared at me in the venue, I knew how much she wanted me back. How much it hurt her that I tried to stay away. I bet she still feels that way now, doesn't she? Even though I tried to leave again two weeks ago!"

"…Did you ever get the full story of what happened after you disappeared?"

"Back before we were called MyGO? Yes, Anon told me. That Tomori argued in my defense. That… she wouldn't be happy with the band if it didn't have me."

"Who do you think she was arguing against?"

…Soyo looks down. Taki's voice is quiet. "Wait, did you…?"

Taki lifts herself up. "From my perspective, I'm the one who hurt Tomori." She looks at the floor, the moon casting a cold light on her. "I was the one who tried to kick you out. I was so pissed at you that I didn't even care if Tomori wanted you back. I used her as a scapegoat, because I couldn't admit you were right about me. I even tried to get another bassist to replace you."

It never fully hit her until now, what Tomori 'arguing with the band' actually meant. The idea that Taki and Tomori shouted at each other seemed so wrong that she didn't even consider it.

"Are you surprised? Figures," Taki says. "I think… that was the first time I felt indignant on behalf of anyone else. I was arguing in Anon and Raana's defense. I felt obligated to. Because you reminded me I was using them the whole time, just like you. Only difference is, I didn't single myself out." She smiles dryly. "You know what's funny? Anon didn't realize I was defending her. That's why I didn't stop her when she left. We disbanded for a while after; and I spent the entire time thinking I had it coming. Just like old times. 'If I cared about Tomori as a person, maybe Crychic could've ended better. If I cared about people other than Tomori, maybe this band could've ended better.' Stuff like that."

"I… I didn't realize."

"Starting to figure why Anon confessed to Tomori first?"

"I knew you felt guilty. I just didn't realize how recently that extended," Soyo says, resting a hand on Taki's hair. "Maybe I'm going through the same process now. Steering away from my feelings for her, while not judging you for getting closer. Seems I'm the one tying myself to the cross this time."

"Huh? Wait, back up," Taki exclaims, "when you say 'feelings', do you mean…"

…She didn't intend for that to slip out. She frowns; "Let's leave it at that. I don't know what to make of it. Besides, I'm stealing enough from you as-is."

She half-expects Taki to object to that last statement. Instead, though, she just leans her back on Soyo's. "Alright. Won't say a word."

"…Thank you."

Soyo doesn't object when their hands intertwine. She's said her piece, so Taki can have her fill now. Something she's noticed; their intimacy differs between location. When she crashes at Taki's place, she tends to borrow the bed and nap, while Taki continues as normal with composition or homework. Meanwhile, when Taki crashes here, they're lying on the balcony more often than not, relaxing against each other. The only commonalities are precious silence, occasional ambushes from Anon, and…

…

…She tries to blunt her fang. It didn't bother her before; not back when she was too desperate to care… but now she's worried. Are Tomori and Anon aware of these visits? Are they aware she was the first to steal Taki's lips? Are they even aware of Taki's secrets, or is Soyo still the only one who knows them? How much is she siphoning from all 3 of these people without realizing it-

"Hey. We're playing Mario Kart this Saturday."

.         "-What??"

"Yeah. Stray cat's never had a games console; went into a frenzy when she found Anon's Switch. Says she has to play with all of us or something." Taki turns to her. "We'll be at Tomori's that afternoon; she wanted to know if you were coming."

"Me? Why…? I'll hardly add much barring last place."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…Oh, fine, I'll be there."