Work Text:
Evening gradually turned into night, but nobody in the group was sleeping yet. On the contrary, all of them were busy with work – shooting a new music video was at its peal. Now it was time to shoot an important scene – the self-punishment of monks.
It was cold outside, their breath misted, and the ground was covered with a thin layer of frost. The men knelt, folded their hands in a prayer gesture and got their cords. Then they took off their clothes up to the waist. Flake felt shivers running up and down his back, his teeth chattering because of the cold, but all these unpleasant feelings were nothing compared to the strong anxiety burning inside him. He faced his main fear. Now it was most important for him not to show this weakness, not give himself away. He should just smile and act as nothing bad happened. He could relax and uncork emotions only at the hotel.
"One! Two! Three! Go!" Zoran commanded loudly, and they started to whip themselves hard.
Groans of pain mixed with anger escaped their lips. The cords burned their skin, leaving bloody wounds on their backs. The operator went around, trying to catch everything he saw with his own eyes: drops of blood trickling down their backs, evil grins, fast-flowing cords.
"Film Schneider! Richard, harder!" Zoran continued to give commands.
Kruspe stared to whip himself in a pointed manner so anyone could see his sufferings. Flake lost that moment when it all turned into a competition for who would whip himself the most and get as many wounds as possible. Finally the director decided to give them a short break.
"Breathe out! Exactly... Breathe out!"
Christian made a sigh of relief and gazed on the ground. His body was shivering because of the cold and pain, back was burning, and anxiety increased. Fortunately, others had the same storm of different feelings, and they didn't pay attention to him. The operator continued to go around and shoot them.
"On three you start again, okay?" the voice of Zoran sounded. "One! Two! Three!"
And they made a fresh start, even more cruelly. The cords cut though air and skin with a whistle, Flake's hands were trembling, and because of this, it was more difficult to whip the spine.
"You are all in the shot, so keep going!"
Lorenz swallowed nervously and continued to whip himself with a hope that he looked the best he could. Finally, the torture came to an end. All of them sighed with relief and laughed. Flake laughed too, but it sounded kinda skittishly – he was strained to the limit and couldn't bear a further flogging. Although no one noticed his condition.
But perhaps he made a mistake. A little later Till came up to him.
"Is everything alright, Flake?" he asked with a gentle touch of his shoulder.
"Ye-yeah, I'm fine, everything is alright, don't worry, it doesn't hurt..."
Till frowned. Still, nothing could escape his keen gaze, and excuses didn't sound persuasive. But he didn't start an interrogation – there was little time, and the shoot must continue.
"Okay, I'll pretend that I believe you."
Soon, shooting resumed. Now they all had to run to Till and start beating him. Christian shivered – he loved Till and couldn't hurt him. But one of them could – Richard acquired the taste and decided to release all his aggression, putting the sole of his boot on Lindemann's face. The footage worked out well, Zoran was satisfied. The last scene was left to shoot. Flake begged for it to come to the end as soon as possible; it got more and more difficult to control his anxiety.
Till lay down under the bed with his bare back on the cold hard ground. Christian shuddered looking at this scene. Then they abruptly ran, turned over the bed, and dragged Till to the "massacre". The shooting was over. Though they couldn't watch last footage – the camera couldn't endure the cold weather and turned off. But Flake wasn't upset about it, as he didn't have to watch how he ran in an uncomfortable costume, in vain trying not to stand out from the crowd.
Till quietly came up to him from behind.
"Are you okay?"
"Yes, I am." Lorenz answered, trying to calm his trembling voice.
"But it seems to me that something is wrong with you."
"I am just tired."
Till sighed with a disappointment. He clearly saw that his beloved was anxious about something but hid its reason from him.
"Maybe it'll better for you to go to the hotel? Zoran wanted to shoot something else with me. But all of you may be free now. I'll come a little later."
"Yes, perhaps you're right. Then I'll go off to sleep. Good night in advance."
Till watched Flake going away, definitely understanding that this night wouldn't be good.
***
Finally, all the work was done. Till went to the hotel. It wasn't too far, so he decided to walk there. He enjoyed walking at night. And this one was charmingly mystical though calm. It was quiet on the street, shadows softly covered the road, and the way was lit by the starry sky. He preferred the sky to lanterns as a source of light because nothing distracted him from observing nature and thinking deeply about the world. Small houses beneath beamed warmly with windows – residents of the village exited with shooting weren't sleeping yet. Till smiled, enjoying this view, cozy memories flitted across his mind. Memories from childhood and youth, when he was an ordinary unknown guy who worked as a carpenter and didn't have any ambitions. Who would he be now if Richard hadn't dragged him from this morass and made him sing? Till will never find an answer to this question, but reflection had always been something pleasant for him.
Lindemann came up to the hotel. There was no light in windows of musicians' rooms – perhaps all of them were exhausted and fell asleep as soon as their heads touched the pillow. There was light in only one window, and a thin hopping silhouette could be seen.
Only after entering the hotel Till felt how cold he was. He needed to take a shower, otherwise he couldn't warm and calm down Flake. Hot water warmed his numbed limbs and kindled wounds on his back. He did not linger and, after getting out of the shower and getting dressed, immediately went to the room of Lorenz.
When Till came up to the door and knocked, there was no answer. He could only see the light through the narrow chink. "Flake, it's me. May I come in?"
There was no answer again. Till had started worrying already, opened the door (it was somehow not shut-in) and entered. Flake was sitting on bed, with his arms put round his knees. His shoulders shuddered after sharp intakes of breath, and there were tears in his red eyes. Lindemann sat next to him and hugged him. Christian cuddled to his beloved and continued to snivel vainly trying to calm down. Till didn't get enough courage to ask any questions, and maybe he couldn't get a proper answer. That's why he just silently hugged Flake and petted him on head with his broad palm.
"Ollie gave me some sort of tea," said Till, having noticed that his attempts of consolation are not that effective, "He told me that it can calm nerves. Maybe we should try it?"
Flake nodded.
"Okay, I'll be back soon."
A few minutes of loneliness seemed as eternity for Lorenz. Anxiety crowded him much more, being intensified by realisation that most likely he should reveal his secret. And he felt guilty because Till was trying to calm him down now instead of going to bed. Perhaps he was so tired, and Flake had some stupid fear.
"Here." Till's voice sounded suddenly.
Flake turned in upon himself so much that he hadn't noticed return of his man. A hot mug warmed his trembling hands. Tea smelled like a mixture of different herbs that can be defined only by connoisseur of this drink. Till was sitting silently nearby and looking at Christian with wistful sorrow.
"Till, maybe you should leave me?" Flake's voice sounded weak.
"Do you want to be by yourself now?"
"No!"
He suddenly lurched forward and spilled some tea on the bed.
"I mean... You're so tired and you want to go sleep, and it's late, and here is me... With this nonsense."
"No, it's okay, Flake. I'll keep you company if it's better for you now. And don't call it a nonsense. I'm sure such a shock has a serious reason."
Christian sighed. He spoiled everything as usual. He bothered everyone with his troubles. He felt lump in throat, tears sting the eyes. Till moved up closer and put his arms round Flake's.
"I want you to know, rain or shine, I love you."
"Thank you, Till. I value your solicitude. Really." Flake answered, sobbing a few times.
"What can I do for you now? Do you want to talk about the thing that discomfort you?"
"Yes, I do. I just need some time to finish tea get thoughts together. I hope I'll get."
"Okay, I am waiting."
A few minutes passed in silence, often broken by sobs and sighs from Flake. He felt guilty and awkward in front of Till because of his mood. He didn't want anyone to see him now, but at the same time couldn't bear loneliness. Thoughts still steeped him into anxiety, but Till's presence somehow dragged him up from this awful abyss. Tiredness exhausted him, but at the same moment, he couldn't fall asleep because of unrest.
"The tea is good. Thank Oliver for me later."
"I hope it'll help. In a small way..."
Till took the mug from Flake's hands, put it on a table and sat down on the bed again. Christian made a deep sigh, mentally preparing to tell his story, but fear gripped his heart, didn't allow him to say a word. But Till could understand everything without explanations.
"What do you feel now, Flake?"
"Fear... I'm terrified," his voice shuddering again, and his heart began beating fast.
Till gently clasped him to heart and petted his head. "It's alright, I stand up for you always, you know it."
They kept silence for a while.
"Yes... But it's not that case when you can stand up for me..." Flake said.
"So can I sit down for you?"
"What?"
Till chuckled and kissed him on the temple. Flake didn't laugh at this "joke".
"Never mind, just a stupid play on words. I love you, Flake. You can trust me, we've been together long enough. If it's important for you to keep in secret everything I'll hear from you now, then I promise not to tell it anyone. Of course if you want to share this."
"Yes, I don't want anyone to know about it. Actually, no one knows it now. I've been hushing it up from my close people all these years."
"It's difficult to keep dead secret. Especially if it wounds to the quick. I guess it does, right?"
"Maybe. Though I don't think about it usually. I didn't expect that today memories would get the best of me."
Flake took a sharp intake of breath and cuddled up to Till.
"Are you sure you want to tell it, Flake? I'm afraid it'll turn into a hysteria. Maybe it's better to put it off?"
"No-no, it's better to talk about it, I won't calm down anyway."
Flake was silent a little more, collecting his thoughts.
"Till, you know about my problems with self-esteem..."
"Yes, and I still can't understand why do you hate yourself so much. You're amazing, really. And I'll repeat it until you'll believe in it yourself. And when you'll believe, I will anyway remind you of it every day."
"Thank you, Till," Flake answered with a smile. "I value it... Well, seeing once is better than hearing twice."
Christian carefully got out of hugs, rolled up his shirt sleeves and stretched out his arms.
"Have a closer look."
"I don't understand what should I see."
"Here, veins."
"Oh, Flake..."
Till looked closer, and his heart sank. There were scars from cuts. They were old and couldn't be noticed at first glance, but even their presence made Till worried.
"Physically it didn't pass without a trace for me too." Flake said quietly, untucking the sleeves.
"I'm so sorry you faced it. And does your psychologist know about it?"
"Yes, I simply forgot about him, when I told you I hide it from everyone. Actually, that is the secret. And today, during video shooting, the scene of self-punishment abruptly pulled out of my consciousness the memories of all that horror. I think it worked out as a trigger. My biggest fear is to become addicted from this again and feel the same despair. Anxiety and pain day by day... It was very difficult, and I don't think I can stand going back to that state."
"I understand. I'm afraid to even imagine all the suffering you've been through."
Till hugged Flake in hope he would feel better after this.
"And how long have you been struggling with it?"
"It began when I was a teenager, about fourteen years old. We had a tense situation in my family, I didn't have friends and I was bullied at school. Maybe someday I'll get enough courage to tell you about it, but definitely not today. I was awfully alone, I didn't have anyone to get some support. That's how I resorted myself to selfharm. Though I didn't attempted suicide. I just had a fixed thought that I deserved all this. During shooting, I heard Paul say that self-punishment was like a release for him, like a reset-button. In the begging, it was the same for me, but then it stopped giving any relief, but I couldn't break this habit anymore. Many people get trapped like this, and I wasn't an exception."
Flake stopped speaking again. He made a deep sigh and fixed his eyes on a wall. Obviously, it was difficult for him to speak about it. Still, he continued.
"The most awful thing about story is that I couldn't realize the problem for a long time. And when it seemed to me that something was wrong, I decided not to pay attention to it or escape from it, but not work on it. During hard periods of life I cut myself more often; when it was fine, I did it less often or even stopped for some time. It was only you who made me open my eyes. Now I'm working on it, and on self-acceptance too. And I can say that it's more or less successful. The last time I hurt myself was a few years ago. And scars are not that noticeable as they were before."
"How did you hide them? Why didn't any of us notice?"
"You know, I usually wear long-sleeved clothes. If there was no such possibility, I covered them up with base cream. When I was a teenager, I also wore different bracelets and love beads, they deflected attention well enough. If someone still noticed the cuts or scars, I just said they were only scratches, I contrived reasons for their appearance and steered the conversation to any other topic. Every time I managed to do it, no one wants to deal with other people's troubles, moreover, I don't look like a person who has serious problems. At least I try to look like this."
"But why? Why didn't you tell me about it at least? I thought you trusted me."
"That's why I'm telling you now."
"But if it wasn't for the clip, would you still be silent?"
Flake thought about an answer a little bit. Panic completely disappeared, and now he could understand everything again.
"I... I don't know, Till. Actually, the question isn't in trust. I know that I can tell you everything that worries me and..."
"So why didn't you tell?"
"I didn't want to burden you with it. And the guys too. It's just useless. Okay, I told you now, and what? I don't feel better, the problem still exists. But you feel worse because of pity on me. I don't need it, I'm strong enough to deal with it myself."
"But Flake... Relationship isn't only about happiness, but about pain too. And I don't feel pity, I feel compassion. They're not the same. I love you, and I'm ready to share your sufferings, I'm ready to take care of you every day. Your problems won't ever put you down before my eyes, just the opposite. You are very strong, you managed to start working on it. You are not my burden, and I want you to be happy. You support me a lot, so let me support you now."
Flake smiled and hugged Till. For the first time this evening, he felt calm. With the care of his beloved all the ghosts of the past weren't that scary.
"Okay, my dear. I'm happy that you're with me."
"I'm happy to love you, Flake. Well, if everything is all right now, maybe we should go sleep? I'm so tired after the shooting, and it's late."
"Yes..." Flake sighed. "So, you'll return to your room?"
"Yes, why?"
"I'm afraid I'll start worrying again alone. I feel calmer if you'll stay with me."
"Okay, then I stay with you this night."
They took off their clothes and got into bed. They felt cozy and warm together. Till hugged Flake gently and kissed him on his neck.
"Sleep well and don't be afraid of anything. I will always be with you."