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Felix stares down at the test with a quiet numbness.
Two lines stare back at him innocuously.
It's the fifth test he's taken in the last three hours, and the fifth positive.
He can't deny it any longer.
He's pregnant.
His breath hitches and he suddenly finds it difficult to draw in another, and he leans heavily on the counter. He feels tears pricking at the corners of his eyes and he presses the heels of his palms against his eyes.
He needs- he needs to talk to someone, he knows he shouldn't be dwelling on this alone.
Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry.
He reaches for his phone, unlocking it, the timer app appearing on the screen momentarily before he exits out of it and scrolls through his contacts.
His thumb hovers over a contact he'd scrolled to automatically, and curls back.
Hyunjin.
And he wants to call, he wants to work this out with him, but-
He scrolls back up and hits call.
'Lix! Hey, what's up?'
Just hearing Chan's voice makes Felix's throat burn, and he swallows the threatening tears down. He doesn't quite manage to keep the quaver out of his voice when he speaks.
'Hey, uh.' Another swallow. 'Sorry if I'm- disturbing you, or interrupting you. Um-'
'Hey, no, Felix, you know you can call me anytime, yeah?' Chan's voice is gentle - and concerned. 'You good?'
Felix's voice is a little higher when he speaks again, a little more wobbly. 'Um. Could you - are you busy?'
'Nah, not really.' Chan says immediately. 'I can talk.'
'Could you - can you come to my place?' Felix's voice almost breaks on the last syllable.
Chan is silent for a beat. 'Yeah, of course,' he says easily, 'Alone?'
'If - if that's okay,' Felix says, his voice quiet.
'Yeah, Lix, any time. Don't worry about it, Bin will understand. Give me, like... twenty minutes, yeah? Or- want me to bring anything? Drinks?'
Felix shakes his head reflexively as he takes a moment to let his voice work. 'No,' he manages, his voice barely above a whisper, 'Just you.'
'Hang tight, I'm leaving now, 'kay?'
Chan doesn't hang up immediately, and as Felix put the phone on the counter to take deep, shuddering breaths he can faintly hear Chan calling to his mate, telling him he's going out. Felix hits end call before he can hear Changbin's response.
He calms down somewhat while waiting for Chan to arrive. Manages to keep the tears at bay, in any case. He busies himself with nervous cleaning - gets as far as wiping a counter before deciding that leaves too much thinking time, and starts pulling out things to make cookies, just to keep himself busy, not because he actually thinks he can eat anything right now.
He hasn't quite finished the dough when he hears the doorbell ring, but it's quickly abandoned in favour of opening the door.
Chan is there, still in his house clothes, giving Felix a warm smile, his brows knitted with concern. 'Hey. Told you I'd be here soon.'
Felix promptly bursts into tears.
'Oh, whoa, whoa, hey, okay, okay,' Chan says hurriedly, stepping in and closing the door behind him, kicking his slides off before the little musical jingle of the lock has finished, soothing pheromones pumping out from him as he gathers Felix in his arms. 'It's okay, it's okay,' he repeats, stroking Felix's hair and Felix clings onto him and sobs into his shirt. 'I'm here. I'm here, Lix, it's okay.'
Felix isn't sure how long he cries for, but there's a wet patch on Chan's tank when he pulls back, wiping at his eyes. 'I'm sorry,' he hiccups and Chan shakes his head, worry written all over his face as he rubs gentle circles into Felix's arms with his thumbs.
'Don't worry about it. What's - what's wrong? Your scent is all over the place, and you're clearly distressed. Did something happen? Is it your family? Are you okay?'
Felix takes a seat on the couch before he speaks, and Chan follows his lead. He takes a deep breath.
Holds it.
Lets it out.
'I'm pregnant.'
Chan's face is a mask of pure surprise when Felix manages to bring himself to look up at him.
'You're - ? Oh. Shit. What are you - Who - Is it Hyunji-'
'No, no, we're not like that,' Felix cuts him off, 'We don't - we've never-' He rubs at his forehead, fighting back a fresh wave of tears. 'And anyway, Christopher, that's not fucking possible.'
Chan grimaces slightly. 'That - yeah. I - I know, I wasn't thinking. I just - figured if it was anyone, it would be... him. Thought you two were...'
'Well, we're not,' Felix snaps, fingers twisting the rings he never takes off. Chan's eyebrows raise and Felix immediately feels bad. 'Sorry,' he says.
'Nah, yeah, it's fine,' Chan says, 'I didn't take it personally, you've... got a lot going on.'
Felix gives a humourless laugh.
'I wish we were,' he admits quietly, 'I wish he was, somehow. But he's not, and we're not, and now - now we might never be. Probably.'
'You don't know that,' Chan admonishes quietly, 'Who knows? Maybe this will be the impetus.'
Felix shakes his head. 'He's never... it was a waiting game to begin with, waiting for him to be ready, to be comfortable with having feelings for another omega, for falling for a close friend - and now... this certainly isn't gonna help. That's if it was ever a possibility in the first place, I don't know, it could have all been wishful thinking on my part, I don't know.'
Chan nods. 'I don't think it was. In my opinion.'
'I don't even know if it matters right now,' Felix rebuts, and Chan nods, and drops it.
'So... who is the other parent, then?' Chan asks and Felix exhales heavily.
'I don't know.'
Chan makes a sound in askance, and Felix looks at his raised, cheeky eyebrows, and rolls his eyes.
'Not like that,' he says, 'it's not like there's an endless list of possibilities. It's probably like. Between two possibilities, depending on how far along I am - I've been putting off taking a test. But... with either option, I... I don't know their names. Numbers. I don't... have any way to contact them. Find them. Nothing. I don't even know their secondary genders, for sure, one was wearing scent blockers. Honestly, I barely remember their faces.'
'One night stands?'
Felix nods.
'Look at you, tearing the town up,' Chan teases gently and Felix shakes his head.
'Not the time, bro.'
'Right, yeah, sorry.'
Felix relents at Chan's abashed face.
'It's fine. The normalcy helps, I guess. I just... I'm all over the place, sorry.'
'That's entirely understandable, Felix. When did you find out?'
Felix shrugs. 'Like. For sure? Couple hours ago, maybe? I've... had a suspicion for... a week or two, at this point. I just... didn't wanna confirm it.'
'Shit,' Chan breathes, 'Yeah, that's... I mean, it's just happened, basically. You're allowed to be all over the place.'
Felix shrugs. Allows himself to breathe.
Chan lets him collect himself for a few moments.
'What are you going to do?' Chan asks quietly and Felix's inhale stutters.
'I don't know,' he says. 'I've had... all the options run through my head since I started suspecting, dreams where... every choice goes horribly wrong, I just. I don't know.'
'That's okay, too. In the immediate, anyway,' Chan says, 'Unless you want to... cos there might be a time limit on.... some options.'
'I think I wanna keep it,' Felix breathes, the first time he's verbalised the thought. Given substance to the idea.
'Yeah?' Chan says gently.
'Am I crazy? For thinking that?' Felix asks, looking at Chan, seeking reassurance.
'No, not at all,' Chan replies immediately. 'Not in the slightest. It is entirely up to you, and... whatever you want to do, whatever you decide, is... exactly right. That includes keeping it. Having the baby.'
Felix's breath catches yet again. The baby. He hadn't dared think those words yet.
'You'll be a fantastic father, Lix.' Chan's soft, reassuring words make tears well up in Felix's eyes again. Not harsh, violent, purging tears this time, but more gentle, more cleansing.
'You think?' he whispers, and Chan nods.
'I know.'
'But I'm alone,' Felix says.
'You're nothing of the sort. You have me, Changbin, everyone else. Hyunjin. You have a family here. And you have a family back home, both yours and mine, you know that. You're not alone, Felix. You won't be doing this alone.'
Chan's steadfast reassurance releases something in Felix, and he thinks maybe, just maybe, he can do this.
'I love you,' he tells Chan, full of sincerity, and the edges of Chan's lips quirk.
'Well, hey, now, Lix, I'm more than happy to be favourite uncle, but I am a happily mated man, I'm gonna have to-'
'Shut the fuck up,' Felix says, a laugh bubbling up and surprising him. Chan smiles in satisfaction, a chuckle of his own coming through.
'Love you too. I'm here, whatever you need.'
Felix nods.
-/-
Chan is at Felix's place again the next day, trying to pretend he isn't fussing like a concerned parent, and while Felix is very touched, he also will not let Chan cook for him. So Chan is hovering as Felix cooks.
'I really am fine, you know,' Felix assures him as he adds some salt.
'I believe you,' Chan says unconvincingly, 'I just want to help. You're like my little brother, my instincts are going wild trying to make sure you're looked after right now.'
Felix smiles. His movements slow for a moment. 'I... I'm thinking of... going home.'
Chan is quiet for a moment. 'To Sydney?'
Felix nods. He can see Chan nod in his peripheral vision.
'I... can see why you might wanna do that,' Chan says.
Felix swallows.
'I've actually... been considering it... for a little while now.'
'Really?' Chan's voice is laced with surprise. 'Why?'
Felix sighs and turns the pot to a simmer. He let's the silence stretch on a bit. 'Hyunjin.'
'I would've thought he'd be the reason you stayed.'
Felix gives a weak laugh. 'Yeah. I wish that were the case. But... I know where I am, feelings wise. And I don't know where we are. And... it was... getting a bit too much. But... it was a thought, you know, I hadn't... decided yet, and it was more than likely going to be temporary, but now...'
Chan is nodding along.
Felix sighs. 'I want my mom,' he admits. 'I called her last night, and told her, and she told me to come home. And... yeah. I want my mom.'
Chan's eyes soften even more. 'Yeah, I get that. And, let's be real, Australia's probably better for unmarried single parents.'
Felix gives a slightly bitter laugh. 'Yeah.' He heaves a sigh. 'So. That's... that's what I'm going to do.'
'Let me know what I can do to help,' Chan says.
'You're taking this well,' Felix remarks, looking at Chan.
Chan laughs. 'I mean, my opinion's kind of unimportant here, isn't it? Of course we'll miss you, but I completely get why you want to do it. And... maybe it won't be forever.'
Felix nods. 'Yeah, maybe not.'
'I'll have to come visit.' Chan gives Felix a warm smile.
Felix laughs. 'I'm almost a hundred percent certain my sister is going to insist on throwing a baby shower, so.'
'Start saving for those tickets?' Chan remarks wryly.
Felix groans. 'Ugh, don't remind me of costs. Like, I know I'm definitely doing this, but I'm also desperately trying not to think about the logistics of getting all my shit back home. Might just have to get rid of a lot of it. I don't know.'
'Just remember, you don't have to do it alone.'
Felix smiles. 'Get the rice?'
-/-
Felix is fuming.
'He was just taken aback,' Chan says soothingly, 'He didn't-'
'I don't-' Felix cuts himself off. He takes a deep breath. 'I am - not rational, right now, hyung. This fucking- hormones, I'm just- of course you're my family, of course this is home, but that doesn't erase my actual fucking family - who does he think he is? Who the fuck does he think he is, to place himself above my parents, when he can't even make a fucking move-' Felix huffs.
Chan waits until its become clear Felix has finished talking.
'So should I advise him not to contact you for that private chat?'
Felix exhales heavily. 'No.' His voice is still sharp. 'I get it. I'm just-'
'Hormonal?' Chan suggests.
'Okay, you know what? You can't say that,' Felix says, 'New rule. You can't say that. That really makes me wanna punch you.'
'Noted,' Chan says immediately, 'Won't do that again.'
'Good.' Felix takes another deep breath, and focusses on trying to get rid of the prickling behind his eyes.
-/-
The last of his boxes have arrived from Korea, and he's staring at them with absolutely no desire to deal with them. He thinks one might be all his winter clothes, and the last thing he wants to do is deal with clothes.
'How are things?' Chan's voice filters through speaker phone.
'Awful,' Felix complains, 'My back is in agony all the time, my feet have grown a shoe size and are currently the circumference of fucking Jupiter, and I need to pee every ten goddamn seconds. And it's like mostly cool to feel the baby kicking, but also sometimes it's just like a literal punch in the gut, and also sometimes I can like - see the foot pushing out the belly, and it's like- I feel like I'm in Alien, or whatever that movie with the creepy things coming out of bellies is. And- and also, you know pregnancy cravings? Sometimes, they make you crave something that you really don't like, and you know what? The craving doesn't make it taste better. It's so bad.'
'Wow,' Chan says.
Felix's voice is a bit quieter when he speaks again. 'And I still haven't heard a single thing from Hyunjin.'
'Ah,' Chan says, 'Still not gonna reach out first?'
'No,' Felix says, 'For one, he's the one with the problem, and two, with all these hormones, I'm just gonna cry immediately if I try, and - I don't wanna do that.'
'The emotions still that close to the surface?' Chan asks.
'About everything,' Felix complains, 'I saw two magpies lying in the grass holding hands yesterday and cried for like twenty minutes. Between the hormones and the instincts - oh my god, Chris, I can barely leave the house, my instincts have me basically growling at any unrelated, unmated alpha who comes anywhere near me. It's exhausting.'
'I can't imagine,' Chan says, 'that sounds rough.'
'I'm so over it.'
'You're almost there. What, 2 months left?'
'Doctor says one and a half, probably,' Felix says. 'We've been working on the nursery.'
'Oh yeah, you sent me pictures of the crib in there.'
'Thank you for that, by the way. You really didn't have to get me anything.'
'Nah, of course we did. We gotta get our bid for favourite uncles in early.'
Felix laughs. 'It's a beautiful crib.'
'Are you excited?'
Felix tilts his head. 'I'm terrified,' he admits, 'It's so soon. I'm worried, I'm scared, I'm unprepared - but... yeah. I'm excited.'
'All very understandable emotions,' Chan agrees.
'Decided I actually do wanna know the gender, last week.'
'Yeah?' Chan's voice perks up in interest.
Felix lets himself smile.
'It's a boy.'
-/-
Sometimes, Felix looks at Jeongin lying in his crib, grabbing on to Felix's finger and the rings on them, and imagines he can see Hyunjin in the crinkle of his eyes, and his heart aches.
Jeongin babbles a spit bubble into being and flails slightly, and Felix smiles, reaching out to wipe the spittle away. Jeongin gives him a gummy smile and Felix coos, before reaching for for his phone. He snaps a picture, and looks at Jeongin for a few moments longer before tapping his way to a dusty contact and sending it with a short message.
Felix has Jeongin in his arms when his phone beeps.
jinnie
>he's beautiful
Felix holds Jeongin a little tighter and his breath catches, and allows himself a brief moment to imagine.
What if...
He feels a tug on his hair and is brought back to reality as he reaches up to detangle Jeongin's fingers.
-/-
Felix is almost on autopilot as he moves to go pick up Jeongin from his nap - he's teething, and has been extra cranky, but Felix has a teething ring in the fridge ready to go, and all he can think about is Hyunjin. The almost panic at seeing his name on the caller id, when he'd almost given up on hearing from him properly again, and sympathy for his situation. He can't imagine what Hyunjin's instincts are doing to him, not really.
He misses Hyunjin so much.
'You'd love him too,' he whispers to Jeongin as he chews on a teething ring, soothed momentarily as Felix bounces him lightly on his hip. 'You're impossible not to love, but... so's he. At least, I haven't managed it.'
'Da sa',' Jeongin mumbles around the teething ring.
Felix smiles. 'I'm not sad, baby. Just...' He laughs softly and kisses Jeongin's cheek. 'I hope you get to meet him one day.'
-/-
'You love me.'
It's not a question; it's a statement. Not quite confident or strident, but not plagued with doubt either. Felix almost laughs, because it sounds like Hyunjin has only just figured it out, after all this time, when Felix has never done anything other than wear his heart on his sleeve.
'I do,' he confirms, simply, truthfully, still.
Yes, he thinks, finally, finally, it is time for us to talk about this.