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It happened so fast. One minute the world is filled with yelling, charging, and gunfire. The next, I’m lying on the ground, the horse having fled to who knows where.
The metallic taste of blood filled my mouth and I coughed, my body shaking. My hands shake as I bring it into view, seeing the blood stains. I can’t tell if it’s from my cough or the bloody wound I sustained.
The battle. My men. What’s to become of them? Did we win? Lose? My wife and child back in England? Hamilton?
My Hamilton.
My dear boy.
My Alexander.
They say your life flashes before your eyes when you depart from this world. Whoever they are never said that while they were lying on the battlefield dying. I chose to focus my thoughts. My life had hardly been that long.
I could have been thinking about my father, my sister, my brothers. Martha and our child, back in London. They all hardly meant a thing. There was only Hamilton. Alexander.
I could almost hear his voice now, calling my name across the field. John- no, Jack. The nickname that was reserved for special moments just between us.
My body shuddered as another bought of blood was coughed up. It hurt like hell but thoughts of Alexander made it bearable.
My eyes grew heavy as I thought about him. My Alexander. What he must be doing. Was his wife with him? Was she making dinner for him?
Letters from him described his bride as a seemingly reasonable choice for a bride. I never got to meet her. Perhaps I never will now. She will be good for him though.
I try and push myself up from the grass. It’s not use. I fall back down again. Warm liquid rolls down my cheeks as I think about all I had wanted to accomplish. Have I failed in my goals?
My eyes flutter open staring up at the night sky. So many beautiful stars. I lift my heavy arm. It’s getting harder to lift. I reach out for them, wanting to be among them. Maybe that’s where I’ll got. Another cough rattles my body. I know I have been left for dead and maybe it’s better this way.
A warm feeling envelops me. It’s a similar feeling to when Alexander has his arms around me and I feel at peace. His arms are the one place I have know what it is to be loved and to love. I don’t want him to mourn me. I don’t want him to follow.
Not yet.
He has so much to live for. To start a family with his bride. To find true happiness with her. I have faith we’ll see eachother again.
Of course, we will.
It’s bright. Morning is coming. I know I must go.
Until we meet again.
Adieu, My Dear Boy