Work Text:
Nikolai intensely watched the cameras before him, his head sticking through his cape. His eyes were searching for the lovely contestants of his game. His coat had to face downwards to prevent it from getting attention, therefore his head was also upside down. Slowly getting too much blood into his brain was making him a tad dizzy, but it wasn't nearly enough to distract him from the situation at hand. He held his braid on the other side of the coat so it didn't randomly hang in the air as well. Sure, the position was risky, but he just needed to see the events unfold himself.
Although, since this was a high security prison, he had to be careful. To prevent the guards from noticing him, he hid behind a vent on the white ceiling, but it didn't take long for them to mysteriously lay passed out on the floor. Sigma entered the room right after Dazai did and looked at the unconscious guards in disbelief.
The clown made sure to not be noticed, now peeking only a part of his head through the coat while listening to the conversation down below. He knew that Dazai noticed him, but didn't bother retreating.
Then he saw the camera view reveal Fyodor and Chuuya in a locked up room.
Fyodors hand was injured, and the room was quickly filling up with the heavy water mixture he had introduced to the 3 just a few minutes ago.
He grinned round and wide, though he couldn't help but feel remorse. Just for a moment, the sane part of him realised that his best friend, and also only friend, was about to drown in the room on the camera display. But he wanted that. He wanted to let go of the bit of humanity he had left in order to achieve freedom, and of course Fyodor would have to die in order to attain that freedom. But in the moment, a piece of him felt a strange sense of... guilt. It was slowly crawling up and down his throat, suffocating him slowly with every breath he took.
Well, tehnically Dos-kuns death would be his fault either way, but he couldnt help but imagine a different scenario. He imagined his beloved laying breathless in his hands. He is truly a romantic clown, he thought. Because maybe, in another universe, in a universe that didn't require a term such as 'freedom' for the beings in it to feel the emotion of it, just maybe they could have gotten their happy ending.
But as things were, his beloved was slowly emerging in water. Even in that state, injured and with an angry expression on his face, Nikolai admired his beauty. His raven hair was lingering on his shoulders and the strand on his face was peacefully seperating Dos-kun's violet eyes. They had that absolute angel-like addition to the already magnificent shine. Maybe Fyodor's eyes were one of the things that enchanted Nikolai in the first place. How he wished he could brush Fyodor's hair from his face and simply look at him in adoration. To cup the dark haired one's face and let his eyes linger on the god before him, oh that would have been terrific, it's terrific to even think about.Yet he wanted it so bad, he was longing for Fyodor's touch, for approval, and for understanding. He could imagine himself with his dearest's hand in his, walking into the world and being as free anyways. But the cruelty of this world didn't offer the comfort of duality. One is alone and can't do anything about it, even if one would try everything one possibly can. The emotional attachments one gets would always restrict them in the way of freedom and it's 'requirements'.
In the sense of freedom, what is it anyways? To have no burdens of any existential means? To be completely free, one would have to accept themselves before acting upon the first easy exit route. Though Nikolai was smart, the desire of freedom didn't let the grip it had on the blonde loosen. It was there, rotating his entire lifes' desire. The grip was squeezing him close together, only making itself larger as he wanted to free himself from it.
It was weird to think about it, but maybe if things were different, Nikolai would have saved his Dos-kun like a prince on a white horse, maybe if things were different, they would be sitting at home across from eachother in a comforting silence. Now Nikolai realised, that his thoughts are going the way he doesnt want them to go.
But the grin he was previously wearing had worn off, now leaving his face a dull emptiness. He wanted to be with the only person who understood him for eternity, or peraphs just a few meaningful moments, but the villian of his mind was making that out of question. If only there was an exit, a way out of the grip of his own mental capacity.
In the weirdly relieving realisation, he came to a conclusion that he wouldn't be able to live with himself if his Dos-kun was dead. He could imagine Fyodor's lashes flutter shut and he could hear him take his last breath in his ears. Even if the raven haired man managed to not die drowning, he still had the lethal poison running through his veins, furtherly weakening him. The poison would start working in a matter of minutes and the antidote was still so far away. There was basically no way for him to live through the situation.
Below him, another person was saying his goodbyes to his partner. Dazai's words echoed in his ears, yet he didn't understand them. Dazai's voice was injected with doubt, and thats all he could tell. Everything else was distorted as his brain was processing the mixed emotions.
Nikolai was so close to being free. But the gap in his chest started aching horrendously, like a headache one would get after crying for three days straight. On the other side of the coat he gripped it tightly as to focus on something else. The mask on his face kept slipping on and off in his mind, yet in neither situation he found himself satisfied. The emptiness gauged at his insides and it was almost unbearable as for physical pain.
Then he started imagining life with the complete freedom. It would feel amazing, not a single thing that could stop him then. He thought about the emptiness without Fyodor before, but acting out on it was another thing. After getting what he wanted, would it really make him free? Would it really make him take hold of the thing he has been trying so hard to get a hold of? Was it all worth?
He could no longer see Dos-kun on the camera. The last thing he saw of him, Fyodor had an angry look on his face. Nikolai knew he would survive, as he was too familiar with Fyodor's antics. He would never accept such a lame death.
After Dazai and Sigma left the room, he swinged his entire body through the overcoat and hopped onto the floor. His landing didn't make a sound, as expected from a high security prison. He could see Chuuya break the wall, making an exit for the two of them. His plan had failed temporarily, but he couldn't help but giggle. Dos-kun was still as brilliant as ever. He never expected any less of him, but now he and his vampire friend were approaching the control room with another prisoner. It was time he moved places again. So he decided to just go back and watch the rest unfold.