Archive of Our Own

Sleep was tinged with pinks and yellows, bits of deeper fall colours seeping in the edges as the dream wound its way somewhat toward the day’s memories of school and the bike ride back among the golden hedgerows. No strong story spun it all together, and the tapestry moved slowly behind Julian’s eyes. It was the sort of middle ground of sleep that allows one to realise they’re dreaming — and to enjoy the make-believe beauty of it all — and Julian was so intertwined with it all that it took him several moments to realise he was being shaken awake. 

“Jules,” a voice whispered. “Julian, wake up, baby.” 

“Hmm?” He blinked, the images of leaves and corn fields still seeping into the corners of his vision, and looked toward the voice. “Daddy?” 

“Hey baby,” John murmured, hand petting back his hair. “You awake now?” 

Julian squinted. Real light, glowing from his bedside lamp and casting the room in a dance of shadows, stung slightly at his eyes. It was still dark outside the golden circle. “What time is it?” 

“It’s just past midnight, it’s Thursday now.” 

“... It’s not Wednesday anymore?” 

“No, not anymore.” 

Julian reached up a hand to rub at his eyes. “Is school starting early today?” 

John shook his head, scooting a bit closer. The mattress shifted. “No, not today anyway. But we’ve got to get up now, alright?” 

“You hate getting up early, though,” Julian reminded. Paul was the early riser of his parents. 

“I know, but this is a special case.” 

“What’s happening?” Julian sat up a bit more. “Did something bad happen?” 

“Hey, deep breaths for me, baby.” John’s hand rested on Julian’s arm. “Everyone’s fine. We’re just going to drive and visit Uncle George and Uncle Ringo for a bit.” 

“And Dhani?” Julian had been introduced to Dhani a few weeks ago — and hadn’t stopped asking when he could visit him again. “I can see him?” 

“Yes, you can see Dhani, too,” John assured. “Can you pack a little bag of your clothes and books for me, now? You can stay in your pyjamas and go back to sleep in the car. I’ve got to go wake up your sisters.” 

Julian obeyed easily, excitement at seeing his newest cousin immediately filling him with earnest energy. It was only as John started for the door, slipping into shadow, that a detail caught Julian’s attention. 

“Daddy?” He waited for John to turn. “If you’re waking up Heather and Mary, where’s Dada?” 

“He’s getting the car ready. Don’t worry, we’ll all be together.” He gave a smile, a genuine one, and then hurried off on his pre-mentioned chore. 

We’ll all be together. Everyone’s fine. Julian trusted the words, trusted his dad, implicitly. If he said it, it would be true. But even as he put a shirt and trousers in his backpack, along with Charles the panda bear and a few books and a blanket, something felt off. His dream still moved wispily through his waking head, but this time the colours were stained with greys and inky black. Apples were turning into spiders. And he still didn’t know why. 

There were glimpses, though. Moments that suggested something. Like when they began loading into the car perhaps a quarter of an hour later under a sky partially obscured by misty clouds and occasionally dotted with stars. He could feel the dew of the approaching morning on the car door handle and in the air as he inhaled with deep breaths just as John had told him to. There was worried anticipation in it, and his parents seemed to feel it, too. When he’d buckled himself into his car seat and pulled his blanket over his lap and watched John do the same for Mary and Heather — the three of them were rapidly slipping back to sleep again — a whispered conversation passed between his parents. 

“You locked everything up, right?’ Paul asked, turning the engine over with a gentle hum. 

“Yeah, all secure.” John pulled his seatbelt across his chest. “I’ll have Fred make sure the animals are alright when he comes by later.” 

“How long should we tell him we’ll be gone?” 

“I’ll sort it, I promise, love.” There was a pause. “Do you want me to phone Rose and have her come down to stay? So someone’s with the pets all the time?” 

“... Yeah, that’d be good. I know it’s a lot but Martha can’t stand to be alone and Lucky still acts like a puppy—”

“It’s alright, Macca.” John’s voice was as steady as the car going down the drive. “She’ll understand. You let me worry about it, alright?” 

“I can’t just dump everything on you, though.” 

“You’re not dumping, I’m offering. Put it out of your mind for now.” 

“God, only to make room for something else.” The car slowed, and Julian heard the sound of the gate retracting. “We’ll have to call the office at the school, too. And we’ll need a good excuse of some kind, from both of us.” 

“Lovel, I’ll take care of it, I promise. You just focus on the driving.” 

“Because I can’t handle more than one thing?” It sounded like a challenge, and Julian winced. 

He didn’t want to overhear another argument, even if the last one had been several weeks ago or more. He hoped he’d continue to drift off.

“Because I can’t drive or navigate to save my life,” John replied, voice soft. It made Paul exhale with a laugh. 

“Lord, I’m sorry Johnny. I don’t know what’s all wrong with me. I mean, I do, it’s just…” He trailed off. 

The car trundled forward through the gate, then slowly lurched onto the paved road. It picked up speed, building cautiously, and Julian leaned his head against the back of his seat, watching the hedges slip past and the stars stay still. His eyes slid downward slightly. 

Paul inhaled a breath, ready to talk again. “But yeah, just a whole month early. A month. And with everything else. Christ.” 

Julian frowned, trying to keep his eyes open. What was a month early? A month from now was October, but what happened then that could be early? John’s birthday? No, birthdays didn’t change.

“I know, darling.” John’s voice murmured again, as reassuring as it had been when he woke Julian up. 

Julian’s eyes slipped down again. There was another long pause, the car thrumming along with steady pace, slowing for appropriate turns and crossings. The stars stayed with them, only occasionally obscured by trees or farmhouses, and the rhythm of the roadway eased into the familiar lullaby. Sleep was so close, so gentle, and he only registered a few more sentences before his dream of autumn colours was back, albeit still edged in grey. 

“Thank you,” Paul managed. “For doing this for me. For going all this way.” 

John answered without hesitation. “I’ll go as far as you need me to, Paulie. Over and over again.”

Wow, Julian thought clumsily. That must be a long way.

________________________________

When he woke again, it was similarly due to a gentle voice, although this time not directed at him. His eyes stayed closed, too, chasing after the bits of pink and blue from his still lucid dream. 

“There’s no time, Johnny,” he heard Paul say, just audible above the murmur of the road. They were still in the car, then. Still driving to Uncle George and Uncle Ringo’s.  

“Love, I phoned them four times to make them wake up and say that we were coming,” John answered. “And there’s no phone in the car to tell them we’ve changed plans. We can’t just not show up.” 

Are we not going to Uncle George and Uncle Ringo’s, then? 

“Then we’ll call them from a booth and let them know. But Henley is an hour out of our way and we’re pressed as it is.”

“Paulie—” John tried, voice low and urgent.

“No, John. I’m the one driving. Not to mention I’d never forgive myself if an hour is what makes the difference between—” Paul caught himself with a pained gasp. “Please, Johnny.” 

Julian blinked his eyes open, registering the same state of darkness, and tried not to make a noise of worry himself. Paul was about to cry again, he could tell. The way he’d cried on Father’s Day. But why?

“Does this mean that if we get there and it’s too late you’re going to blame yourself?” John’s voice was both wary and sombre. 

“I,” Paul started, and Julian dared to look up to the rearview mirror. His dad’s eyes were wide, wet. His brows were creased. “I don’t know.” 

“We’ve talked about this, Macca. I thought you were getting better about it.”

“I know the problem of the last few months isn’t my fault,” Paul insisted, voice strained. His eyes never moved from the road. Julian wondered if he could even see the stars, still shining in defiance of whatever the day held. It had to be a few hours off still, didn’t it? “But if we get there too late tonight or this morning because I made the wrong decision driving, how can that not be my fault?” 

“Why does it have to be anyone’s fault?” John returned, voice becoming just as raw. Julian saw his hand reach across the console for Paul’s. “What if things happen without regard to our own actions? What if the doctors called us as soon as they knew and we left as soon as we could and we drove there on the fastest route and it still wasn’t on time? How is that anyone’s fault?” 

“I’d rather have that situation than us going the long way ‘round and being too late that way.” 

A silence fell between them, filled in by the rumble of the car and distraction of the stars. But Julian kept waiting, breath baited. What was happening? What weren’t they on time for? Was any of it his fault? Nothing answered him for what felt like a stretch of minutes, hundreds of rotations of the tires beneath them all as the car bore them forward into the dark. Maybe they were racing against the day, trying to outpace the lapping of the dawn at their heels. Or maybe there was a clock that ticked on regardless of day or darkness that somehow they had to see at the changing of the hour. 

Then there was a sigh. 

“Alright, pull over at the next petrol station.” 

Julian saw Paul’s eyes widen further in the mirror. He briefly glanced over at John. “I love you. I love you so much. For everything you do—” 

“It’s alright, Paul,” John shushed him gently, and Julian registered that the last word, Paul , was hardly ever used. Only when things were particularly serious. He stole another glance to the mirror. “I love you, too.” 

Paul nodded, eyes reflecting too much light to not be a bit damp. Julian lowered his gaze a moment later, still wondering if he should be asleep for all this. The stars were helping settle him once again anyway, at least, and he was already half-asleep a few minutes later when he noticed the car’s speed slow, then its direction change slightly with the sound of an indicator. 

It rolled quietly, the engine barely purring, and stopped altogether under a spread of fluorescent lights. A door opened, then closed, and he stirred slightly, wincing in the harsh glow. Where were they? It was still dark out, certainly. The lights here were only artificial. But why did they need to be so bright? He tried to sit up more, looking to the front seats, and jolted in surprise. Paul wasn’t there. Daddy said we’d all be together!

“Dada?” Julian leaned forward, straining against his seat belts. “Daddy, where’s Dada?” 

John turned instantly, brows creased but eyes calm. “He’ll be right back, baby. He’s just gone to the phone booth.” 

“What’s happening?” Julian pressed again, trying to unbuckle himself. 

“Jules, it’s alright.” John turned fully, extending a hand to squeeze Julian’s leg. “Everything’s fine, I promise.” 

“No!” Julian insisted. He felt his breath quickening. “Something’s wrong!”

“Julian, I need you to take some deep breaths for me, alright?” John prompted. It was the same thing he’d said at his bedside, an hour ago or more. But it wasn’t working this time. Julian’s heart was still picking up speed. “Come on, I’ll do it with you, ready? In,” John inhaled, mouth in a smile, then held it for a moment, “and out. Just like that. Let’s do a few more.”

Julian wanted to protest, especially when a wet stop was caught in his throat. But the reassurance in John’s voice, the actual soothing tone of his voice, the continued smile moved together to do something in the nature of actually calming him. 

He wiped at his nose with the sleeve of his pyjama shirt. “I’m scared something is wrong.” 

“I know, baby.” John squeezed his leg again, face still in a smile. “It’s okay to be scared. But things are gonna be just fine. You and me and your sisters and Dada, we’re all gonna be fine.” 

Something wasn’t included in that list. Julian frowned, trying to remember. “What about Uncle George and Uncle Ringo and Dhani?” 

“We’re gonna see them a little later today. You can read to Dhani again, if you like.” 

“But aren’t we going to see them now?” 

“We were, but plans changed a bit.” John shifted to glance out the window of the driver’s side door. “Dada’s just telling them we’ll be there in a couple hours.” 

None of it made any sense. And something was still missing from the whole equation, the thing that was a month early. Julian rubbed his eyes. His lids still felt heavy. “I don’t understand, Daddy.”

John bit back a sigh. “I’m sorry, Jules. We’ll explain more later, I promise.” 

Not swayed, Julian was on the verge of asking why he couldn’t know now when the driver-side door swung open and Paul sat himself back in the car. 

“Any luck?” John asked, turning so he could see both his son and his husband at the same time.

“George picked up on the first ring. I guess he’s been up with Dhani since you called. Can’t get him to sleep.” Paul rubbed his hand over his face. “What I wouldn’t give for that to be me.” 

Julian didn’t understand why anyone would want to be up very early in the morning with a fussing baby — he’d overheard both his parents trying to lull Mary to sleep on several occasions and felt annoyance both for them and him. It seemed rude to interrupt, though, so he stayed silent, watching his dads look at each other and feeling John’s hand reassuringly on his pyjama trouser leg. He was feeling drowsy again anyway. 

“It’s alright, Macca.” John’s other hand reached up to cradle the side of Paul’s face. “We’ll be there soon.” 

“One hundred sixty minutes—” 

“Don’t think like that, love,” John tutted softly. “Let’s put on some music, yeah? A slow station for Jules to get back to sleep.” 

Paul’s eyes immediately flicked to the mirror, saw Julian’s staring back at him, and then he swivelled to look behind him. “Julian! Oh my gosh baby, I didn’t know you were awake!” Paul stretched to give him a reassuring touch as well. “Are you alright?” 

Julian nodded. “I’m worried,” he heard himself murmur. “And seepy.” He’d missed a letter there. 

“It’s gonna be alright, Jules,” Paul vowed, voice a bit more unsure than John’s. Julian felt his eyes drooping. “You want to listen to the radio?” 

“Yes, please,” he tried to answer. His tongue felt heavy in his mouth. 

“Okay, just a moment, baby.” Paul’s hand slipped away, and then the engine revved. It was the only sound in the night. “Can you manage the Sinatra channel, love?” The question was directed at John. 

“Yeah, I’ll survive.” The tone was dipped with humour, and it caused Julian’s heart to settle. 

Maybe Dada and Daddy are happy?  

The car began to move just as the gentle crooning of the radio filled the space, floating around them and lapping gently at their ears. Like waves sluffing against a dingy. 

“How long has he been awake?” Paul asked, voice muffled by the softness of the water. 

“Not long, just after you left the car. He got scared that you weren’t here. I calmed him down a bit, though.” 

“He’s too good,” Paul sighed. “So are you. Do you think he knows?” 

“He knows something’s going on, but I doubt if he’s put it together yet. He was only half awake when he was talking to me.” 

“Should we have told him?” 

“Not right now, in the middle of the night. He wouldn’t understand.” The voices were almost gone. “Don’t worry, Paulie. It’s gonna be alright.” 

________________________________

Everything was painfully white when Julian awoke next. All the noises that accompanied the shift to consciousness were just as harsh, and automatically he was trying to plug his ears and cover his eyes simultaneously. His hands were barely able to accomplish it, palms on his face and index fingers pressed against his tragus. Dark and quiet, then. 

But he could still feel things. The thump of his heart, the catch in his throat. And the utter stillness of the surface he sat on. There was no lulling vibration of the car moving forward, no gentle  hum of the engine that made the seats buzz occasionally. Nothing was moving. He wasn’t going anywhere anymore. He was stuck. 

The thought pulled his hands from his eyes and ears, pushed his head back and forth in an effort to get his bearings. It was just as jarring as when he’d opened them the first time. White walls, white floors, white lights, a white door, a white sofa a little way away on which Mary and Heather slept under a few blankets, a white chair that he was half sitting on. In a tall ceilinged room. The surfaces all shone, bouncing the harsh beams of light back and forth across his eyes. Even the window, the one dark object in the space, reflected the light back at him. And it was just the three of them.

Dada? Daddy? Why aren’t we all together?

Noises, too, were grating. Beeping, clicks, pitched voices. They rattled in his ears, and he hurried to plug them again. His fingers were just over his ears, poised to press them shut, when a familiar tone slipped in. 

“It’s none of your business.” The sound was firm. “It’s hardly a decision for you to even cast an opinion on.” 

“But sir, as members of the medical team—” 

The previous voice cut the new one off. Julian tentatively pulled his hands further away, glancing around the room. No one was there. But the voice was still familiar, coming from behind a door. “ A medical team. Not the mother’s. Not the baby’s. You have no relevance here.” 

Julian frowned. Baby? 

“It’s in the best interest of everyone involved that this type of situation have all options fully examined. A child born prematurely shouldn’t be immediately separated from its mother, especially not in favour of spending time with two men, one of whom isn’t remotely related to the situation.” 

“If you knew anything about the situation, you’d know a whole host of what you said isn’t happening. And regardless, I’m sure the doctors relevant to the situation will make those decisions.” A door creaked just as Julian put the voice in order. Daddy? “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m not going to listen to any more insults veiled as suggestions toward my family. Our decision on the appropriate and healthy way to raise our children, including with regards to nutrition and parentage, are just that. Ours. If you want to discuss this more, I’m sure your superiors will have something to say to you after I tell them.” 

“Mister Lennon, please, I didn’t mean—” 

“Goodbye.” John’s voice cut the protest coldly in two. Then the door swung open fully and the associated body appeared in tandem, still muttering. “Christ.” 

Julian straightened up in the chair. “Daddy? Is everything alright?” 

John’s face softened immediately. “Hey, baby. You awake again, huh?”

“Mhm.” Julian looked nervously about the room, hoping that perhaps Paul would appear just as John had. No such luck. “You left us alone.” 

John crouched beside the chair. “I was just outside the door, baby. And you have your sisters. You weren’t alone.” 

“Yes I was, I was alone without you and Dada.” Julian was adamant. His throat felt dry. “I didn’t know where you were and Dada’s gone and we’re not together. You promised we’d all be together.” 

“Jules—” 

“Where’s Dada?” Julian pulled his knees to his chest. “Where are we ?” 

John’s lips pressed together, then expelled a tight line of air. “Julian, I need you to stay calm for me, alright?”

“No!” Julian’s voice rose. “You promised!” 

“ Julian. ” John’s voice sharpened. “You can do this for me, I know you can. Deep breath in… and out. Good job, baby. Now look, you and Heather and Mary are going to be fine. So are Dada and me.”

“But something else is wrong?”

“...Something else is a bit uncertain right now.” 

Julian’s heart stopped. “What is it?”

“Jules, I don’t think me telling you right now is the best idea.” 

“I’m old enough, I’m awake!” Julian defended, trying to anticipate whatever reason John had against him. 

“Jules…” John trailed off, face uncertain. He looked to be weighing his options. “If I tell you, you have to promise you’ll keep calm. If you can’t do that, it’s okay, but I don’t want to tell you and then overwhelm you.” John took Julian’s hand. “More than anything, I promise that the five of us will be alright. That’s what’s most important right now. And I need you to understand that.” 

If Daddy says it, it has to be true. “Okay.” Julian swallowed. “I believe you.” 

“Good lad.” John brushed a strand of hair from his face. “I love you very much, Julian.” 

“I love you, too, Daddy.” He gathered a breath. “I’d like to know now, please. What’s going on.” 

At the request, John’s eyes slid shut. He nodded slowly, then reached up a hand to remove his glasses. He set them on the chair beside Julian. His breath swayed, then his lids opened. “Do you remember what Dada and I told you before his birthday, about the new sibling you might be getting?” 

“Yeah…” Julian felt his blood still. “Did, did something happen—” 

“Deep breaths, love.” John took one for himself. “Just past midnight we got a call from the doctors here, at the clinic, that the baby was coming.” 

“But you said not until October.” Everything was moving faster now. 

“Yes, that was the thought. If everything had worked well, that’s when the baby would have been born. But the baby started coming early.” 

“Oh.” Julian hadn’t even considered that as a possibility. Birthdays weren’t meant to be that early, were they? Had Heather been early? He couldn’t remember what his parents had told him. His head felt flooded. “And that’s bad?” 

“It can be,” John answered carefully. “Sometimes it means the baby isn’t finished developing yet and that there could be health problems after birth.” 

“Did that happen with this baby?” He was quite literally on the edge of his seat. 

“Sort of, yes. The baby hasn’t been born all the way, and the doctors are trying to make sure that everything will be alright when that finally happens. They’re still not sure yet.” 

“Is that where Dada is? Helping the baby be healthy when the time comes?”

“He’s waiting outside the delivery room, yes. It’s complicated right now and he’s not in there with the doctors. But he’s just across the hall from us.” 

“Can I see him?” 

“In a little bit, maybe. He wants to hear a new update from the doctors as soon as they have one. But once that happens maybe you can.” John squeezed Julian’s hand again. “If you’re still awake, that is. Do you want to try getting more sleep?” 

Julian shook his head. “No thank you.” 

“Alright.” John accepted it surprisingly easily. “You packed your books, yeah?”

“And Charles.” 

“Good job, baby. You’re so good, you know that?” 

“I heard Dada say it in the car when we left the petrol station.” 

John chuckled. “It’s a unanimous agreement between us both. You’re our best lad.” 

“What if the new baby is a boy?” Julian prompted. 

“We could never compare any of you kids together, baby. We love all of you for who you are,” John vowed. Julian raised an eyebrow, suspicious of the cop-out option, but he let John continue talking. “I’ve got to go check in with Dada for a bit now, alright? Are you gonna be fine here on your own with your books and Charles?” 

“Mhm.” 

“Right then.” John patted his knee again, then pushed himself up. “I’ll be back soon, I—” 

“John! John!” Sound positively bombarded against the door. It seemed to break open a second later, blasting inward from a barrage of decimals. A figure stumbled in, whole demeanour slightly crazed, and Julian needed only a flash longer to recognize it as Paul. “John, John —” 

John was at his side in an instant. “Paul, Macca, what is it? Are you alright? What’s happened?” 

Paul braced himself on his knees, gasping for breath. “The baby, John, the baby!” 

“Oh my God.” John grabbed Paul’s forearm. “Is it, the baby, is it…” His words dried in his throat. 

Julian knew what he meant to ask, though. Is the baby alive? Paul raised his face, still struggling for air. His eyes were shining, as they had done in the car, but there was something different this time, something Julian couldn’t quite place. 

“Paul, please!” John begged. “What’s happened?” 

It was Paul’s turn to push himself up. John’s hand still on his forearm, he laid his forehead on John’s shoulder for a moment, then pulled it back and met John’s eyes. “She’s here, Johnny. And, and she’s alright, she’s healthy.” 

“ She ?” John’s voice had never sounded so disbelieving, so on the verge of incredulous joy as Julian heard it then. “Paul, another baby girl?” 

“Yeah, yes,” Paul almost laughed, tears beginning to flow. “You want to meet her?” 

“Fu—” John caught himself for the audience in the room. “Yes, God yes!” It was a wonder his yell didn’t wake Heather or Mary. “Oh my God— you’re sure she’s healthy?” 

“Yes, she’s fine, she’s perfect.” Paul really was crying now, but it wasn’t like anything Julian had heard from him before. The joy in John’s voice was laced through Paul’s tears. “I can’t believe it, we haven’t even thought of a name!” 

John’s arms were around Paul automatically, holding him to his chest with the same tears and laughter. “Neither can I. Good Lord, another girl!” He turned to Julian, eyes thoroughly wet behind his glasses, and smiled reassuringly. His eyes travelled to the window, too, watching the night gently be soothed by early day, the last stars mixing with pale pink roses of dawn. “Stars are still out, Paulie,” he murmured. 

“The stars?” Paul shifted back, looking for the window as well and blinking against the water in his eyes. “Oh yeah, the stars. Do you think…” He trailed off, eyes back on John. 

A look passed between them, something said with it. Julian had seen it a few times before, thought it funny, maybe, but now it was so intimate he wondered if he should even be watching. In any case, his parents didn’t seem to notice. They were still thinking the same thing, apparently. 

“Yeah, I do,” John whispered. He cupped Paul’s chin and pressed a kiss to his mouth. “Let’s go meet her, then.” He turned, beckoning to Julian. “Want to come meet your new sister, Jules?” 

“What’s her name?” Julian asked, already hurrying to grasp a hand from each of his parents. 

His parents exchanged another quick look, smiles wet and soft. They leaned in for another kiss as they led Julian out the door, and as they walked across the hall, Paul answered softly:

“Stella.”