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It’s dark in Jason’s mind but in an unnatural way that Fear doesn’t understand. The main console is blackened out, as if no energy were running through it—such as when an individual can’t feel emotions. Fear knows The Clown got to Jason and Fear remembers fading out of existence when the explosion went off. What Fear doesn’t remember (or doesn’t know) is what happened after the explosion and how much time has passed since then.
Fear knows Jason’s eyes are open and he’s looking at something but it’s so dark outside too that Fear can’t make out what it is. Fear can tell Jason is probing around, touching something hard right above his face. Fear can feel Jason’s heartbeat pick up, he can feel the shivers Jason feels. The part of the brain that creates memories is working fine, one purple orb appears and falls down unceremoniously out of the chute. It’s a sad, pitiful sight because Fear remembers that before The Clown, Jason’s mind was beautiful and whimsical and bright.
“We’re trapped,” Anger says, coming out from the shadows.
From the screen, the two emotions watch as Jason frantically bangs on what seems to be a wooden crate. Fear steps away from the console because it is aware fear is not going to help Jason at all right now.
Anger approaches the console and it comes to life with a shrilly, beeping noise. Anger gently strokes the top of the buttons without actually pushing any of them. The Emotions watch as Jason frantically maneuvers his body in the limited space of the box to unlatch his belt and then use said belt buckle to help break through the thick material above him.
“We’re laying down,” Fear says. “A coffin.”
Anger looks at Fear for a second before moving the topmost levers of the console.
Jason hits the lid of the coffin with more force, ignoring the pain of his knuckles and elbows. Jason kicks the lid repeatedly, making constant contact on the exact same spot.
“He’ll run out of adrenaline soon,” Anger says, smashing the buttons in a quick but orderly manner.
“Make him angry, really angry,” Disgust says as it gets close to the console but Disgust doesn’t touch it.
Anger moves much faster, using a wider part of the console all by itself. Levers are moved. Flips are switched. Buttons are pushed. The movements are fast, unpredicatable to the others not in control. Jason’s movement match the intensity and soon enough the Emotions see when dirt begins to fall through the cracks of the lids.
“Don’t stop!” Disgust yells as it approaches the console to start working in tandem with Anger.
“I don’t need you to tell me what to do!” Anger says, its body bursting into red flames.
Fear stares at the other Emotions and then he stares at Jason struggling to break free. Fear turns around to stare at Jason’s Islands of Personality. Survivor Island is lit up like a firework show and it shakes in tandem along with Fight Club Island and Sir-Thinks-Alot Island. (Robin is Magic Island does not move at all.)
More memory orbs are created and make ominous clinking sounds as they crash into each other. Red and Green. More Red and Green. Still Red and Green. The clacking sound of the console becomes more pronounced the harder the Emotions work. Jason physically does not lose momentum but Fear knows he’s losing the mental battle. Fear quickly rushes towards the console and starts banging on it without order. The lid of the coffin breaks and the dirt falls all over Jason’s face but the Emotions don’t let him give up. Jason pushes and pushes through the dirt, the lack of air to breathe making Headquarters shrink in size.
“We’re almost there!” Anger yells. It even kicks the console for all the good it does. “Don’t give up on him! Don’t give up!”
“Go, Jason, go!” Disgust yells. “You’re almost out!”
“Come on, buddy!” Anger yells. “Come on!”
On the screen, they can see Jason pulling himself out of the coffin and through the mud. Because of course it’s raining. It’s just Jason’s luck that he has to waddle through wet dirt because clearly he hasn’t been pushed around enough in his young life. He’s swimming upwards, going off pure adrenaline, his hatred and revulsion at his current predicament fueling his every move. The mud keeps coming no matter how hard Jason tries to push it away.
The last orb is purple.
Fear screams when Headquarters goes completely dark once more.
***
Jason’s only word is ‘Bruce’. The few memories he makes during his stint in the hospital and while living on the street are already black when they appear at Headquarters. As there are no Emotions in charge, the darkened memories fill up the place until there’s no space left.
***
Sadness reappears one random day when Jason is sitting with Talia al Ghul. The words come like a whisper but Sadness still hears them very clearly. Sadness wails loudly but it only lasts until the darkness takes it too. A single blue memory orb appears but that too quickly turns black, lost amongst the rest of them to be forgotten forever.
***
Green.
The world is nothing but Green.
Everything is so Green, Anger can hardly see the Red on itself.
It’s none of the shades of Green associated with Disgust but a sicker, more sinister shade.
Anger trudges through Headquarters. It finds the release button to send all the memory orbs down to Long Term Memory and once they all disappear, Anger quickly makes its way to the console.
Jason is angry.
Jason is in pain.
But Jason is more angry than he is hurt.
That anger that Jason feels sends him all the way back to Gotham with only one desire: Kill Bruce.
Anger can’t move away from the console. Not that it even wants. Anger knows when it’s needed and Jason very clearly needs it at the helm. Anger stays with Jason. Anger will always be with Jason.
Even if everything is Green, Anger will always burn Bright Red for Jason.
Jason goes to Gotham but he doesn’t kill Bruce.
Amongst the world of Green, there is but a single, tiny speck of Yellow that disappears as quickly as it arrives.
The majority of the Islands of Personality finally start to work consistently again after Talia starts paying for Jason to learn a whole lot of skills. Robin is Magic Island sputters and flickers but it’s like there’s something cutting off it’s power every time it starts to engage. Resistance. Anger holds the lead on the console throughout it all. Disgust comes back but stays away. Fear also comes back and opts to hover by the console but never makes an attempt to steal control of it. Sadness appears but stands all the way over there by the manuals.
Anger completely forgets about Joy but the others don’t. While Anger focuses on Jason, Disgust sneers at the tiny corner everyone else ignores because nothing is (supposed to be) there. Sadness and Fear keep an eye out, waiting for Joy’s return, one for optimistic reasons while the other for pessimistic ones.
Jason’s second return to Gotham is much more violent than the first. The world is not so Green anymore but there’s decapitated heads and exploded buildings and bloody writing on walls. Jason tears through Gotham like a man with nothing to lose. Anger enjoys it, relishes it. Jason is righteously furious at the injustice of the world and Anger pushes Jason to embrace that fury.
But then, there’s a father and a clown and a Batarang to the neck and Anger wants to hold on to the console because Jason wants him and Jason needs him but Sadness pushes Anger away with an almost insulting ease.
“Dammit!” Anger yells to itself. “Dammit! Dammit! I failed! I failed you, Jason! I failed!”
***
The hypocrisy of The-Man-That-Doesn’t-Kill almost killing him to save the mass-murdering clown is almost too much for Jason to handle. The Core Memory that is created as he lays bloody and broken in the ruined building is as beautiful with it’s Green, Red, Purple, and Blue lights as it is ironic.
It is still somehow dimmer than the pure Yellow Core Memories created in the past.
***
Jason struggles but he tries his best to hide the conflict of emotions fighting within him. It works for the most part, the people who meet him take his apathetic, almost antagonistic attitude, at face value. It does not exactly lead to healthy relationships—or any lasting relationships at all, really—but Jason is determined to keep everything inside him.
Life passes Jason by.
He tells himself he’s okay.
He tells himself multiple times a day he’s okay.
He is not okay.
***
Anger and Sadness fight for control over the main console everyday. Sadness yells and kicks and their flood of tears push everything away. Anger yells and throws punches and bursts into flames that are hot enough to burn them all to crisp.
Some days, when things get really, truly, horribly bad for Jason, Fear takes over instead and it’s on those days when Headquarters shrivels up, almost to nothingness. It’s dark and it’s ugly; it’s an insult to how it used to be in the past. It feels like Jason’s mind is squeezing them out of existence, desperate to destroy the Emotions so Jason can finally be free of them. It’s on those awful days when Joy has to be extra careful to stay hidden lest Fear actually make good on its promise of finally throwing Joy into the memory dump.
Fear does not like Joy. Actually, Fear does not like that Joy gives Jason hope because hoping for the return of the life that was lost, for the family that never was, for a better yesterday and better tomorrow, only ends up hurting Jason when he doesn’t get his happily ever after. Fear takes its job of protecting Jason seriously, and that includes protecting Jason from himself. Joy dares not put Fear’s work ethic to the test.
It is very telling of Jason’s psyche that no matter how well Joy stays hidden, Disgust is the only emotion able to find them.
“You’re useless to him. You’re the reason he’s always in pain. He doesn’t want you,” Disgust always tells Joy.
Joy refuses to let those words affect it.
“Jason needs me. He needs to be happy,” Joy says to the darkness.
***
There once was a boy who believed in magic. Then, his ‘father’ slit his throat and the boy decided he didn’t want to believe in good things anymore.
He’s pretty much convinced himself he’s supposed to miserable for the rest of his life. He’s this close to believing he’s earned all the shit the universe has thrown to him. Jason is all about to give up.
Until Kori appears in his life.
Until Roy appears in his life.
And suddenly, Jason wants.
He abhors this new sentiment.
***
“The problem is Bruce,” Joy says the very first time Disgust is in control (and the only reason Joy feels brave enough to leave its hiding spot). “Bruce is the cause of all of Jason’s problems. If we can get rid of Bruce, Jason will finally be able to heal.”
“But Bruce is at the center of at least half of the core memories,” Sadness says. “You’d be destroying Jason by destroying Bruce.”
“No, no, wait. I think I’ve read this in the manuals,” Disgust says, “getting rid of core memories can cause harm to our Jason but that’s only if we’re careless enough to dump everything out replacing it. We can do this but we have to be smart about it.”
Anger smacks its fist on the palm of their other hand. “New core memories. That’s what Jason needs.”
Fear shakes its head. “I tried getting rid of Joy’s Core Memories once-sorry, not sorry-and it didn’t take. Even if Jason gets new ones, the old ones will still affect him. It won’t work.”
(Headquarters is silent as the Emotions think through it. Disgust is not the only Emotion that reads the manuals and for the first time since Jason’s beginning, they actually use the knowledge they gained from them.)
“The regular memories,” Sadness says as it points to the outside, to the deeper parts of Jason’s brain. “We get rid of the regular memories first then we get rid of the Core Memories. There will be nothing anchoring them if we do it in that order.”
“Oh yeah sure, that’s a great plan and all, but how exactly are we going to do that? The Mind Workers aren’t exactly helping us anymore, not since Jason decided he was too cool for emotions,” Anger says. It even finger quotes the word cool. “What are we going to do? Jump into the recall tubes? Pick out each Bruce-related memory one by one and chuck them into the dump ourselves?”
Fear and Disgust share a look with each other and nod in agreement.
“That’s exactly what we should do,” Disgust says. “I’m good at keeping Jason safe so I volunteer to go.”
“No,” Fear says, “it’s my job to keep him safe. I’ll go.”
Anger lets out an impressive growl. “Hey, I’ve been keeping him safe this whole time! I get to go.”
Sadness tilts its head at Joy, signaling for Joy to hide and says, “Maybe all three of you should go…you know, for extra precaution.”
Anger looks like he wants to argue but Disgust steps forward and says, “Yes! The three of us will go. We’ll get the workers in check, clear Jason’s head, and then work on him to get new core memories.”
Joy hides. From their spot, Joy can see Jason living it up outside in the world, trying very hard to not laugh at whatever it is Roy is doing. Joy tries to get Sadness’ attention because clearly Roy is worth focusing on if they have to replace Bruce with someone else but Sadness (and all the other Emotions) are too busy with their new plan to notice Jason’s short lived burst of levity. (Joy thinks that would’ve been a perfectly good memory had it been able to control the console.)
“Alright,” Disgust says, “we’ve got our plan and our backup plan and the backup plan to the back up plan. We’re in agreement then on what Core Memories we’re keeping?”
Sadness nods.
Anger nods.
Fear kind of nudges its shoulders but Fear is Fear and assertiveness is not exactly in their nature so the nudge is considered a positive response.
Sadness opens up the Core Memory holder.
“Quick,” Disgust says, “get the Core Memory you’ve been assigned. Sadness, we’re trusting you to protect the good ones while we get rid of the bad ones.”
“Alright, I guess we’re actually doing it. Cool,” Anger says, distributing the memories around. “Let’s get this shit started!”
“You gonna be okay by yourself, Sadness?” Fear asks.
Sadness nods. It moves to the side to avoid Fear from catching a glimpse of Joy. “Yep. Me, all by myself, just like the song. Hey, it’s a sad song so it totally fits. What a coincidence. Okay, bye.”
The memories start to fall down the chutes and are pulled into the Recall Tube. Fear, Disgust and Anger are pulled along with them; Fear is shrieking so loud, Joy almost starts to feel scared. The memories disappear. The tube goes away and Joy catches the exact moment the Islands of Personality associated with the Core Memories the three Emotions took with them die down.
“Sadness,” Joy says as the very first light in Headquarters turns on. It’s a small, dingy things that hangs dead center of it all and for some reason, everything seems like it’s going too fast. Joy isn’t prepared for the sudden feeling of emptyness that is enveloping Headquarters. It makes Joy feel odd and uncomfortable.
Joy doesn’t like it.
“Sadness. I can’t. I don’t think I can—”
“Hey,” Sadness says.
Joy doesn’t know why but it is compelled by unknown forces to leave its hiding spot. This is something else it doesn’t like. Sadness steps away from the console to join up with Joy.
“It’s been a while for you two, huh?” Sadness says, placing a gentle hand on Joy’s shoulder. “It’s a big change, right? You’re not used to being free. It’s okay if you’re not ready to come to the console yet. It’s fine. Just-just stand back here for a bit. You’ll know when Jason’s ready for you.”
Joy stays back.
***
There once was a boy who believed in magic. Then, his ‘father’ slit his throat and the boy decided he didn’t want to believe in good things anymore.
He used to think it was his destiny to be miserable. He was this close to believing he actually deserved all the bad shit that happened to him. There were times where he was really close to saying ‘fuck it’ and calling it quits.
Then Kori appeared in his life.
Then Roy appeared in his life.
Afterwards, Bizarro and Artemis came crashing into Jason’s life and before he knows what’s up, Jason finds himself actually smiling when he thinks no one is looking.
Jason thinks it’s okay to believe sometimes.
Red Hood might not be magic, but there’s something magical about The Outlaws.
***
“This place is a mess,” Disgust says as they walk through the rows of Long Term Memory storage.
It’s a perfect representation of what Jason would think an abandoned factory would look like. There’s dust bunnies and cobwebs and bats flying around and abandoned tools scattered all over the floor. The floors are cracked. The shelves are broken and dirty. The majority of the memory orbs are black with only a few of them shining brightly in their original color.
“Yeah?” A voice from somewhere says, startling the three Emotions, “What did you expect? Jason came back from the dead and has since done a pretty good job of ignoring all of that stuff he doesn’t want to think about.”
It’s a Mind Worker that comes out of the shadows like it’s some noir detective from those stories Jason likes so much. “You guys from Headquarters?”
“We are,” Anger says taking the lead. “You got a problem with that, bub?”
“Course I got a problem. You guys are supposed to be protecting Jason but look at this place. It’s as dead as he was.”
“Where are the rest of the workers?” Disgust asks. “You guys should’ve never stopped working but were super quick to isolate us from the rest of the Brain.”
“Can’t do nothing when Jason doesn’t want it done,” The Mind Worker says all nonchalant. “He’s running nothing but the basics.”
As if to prove his point, The Train of Though blares it’s horn as it moves in a straight line from the depot to Headquarters. There’s a sudden feeling of nostalgia for all three Emotions remember when Jason’s long train would zoom in all sorts of different directions, leading dozens of train carts filled to brim with thoughts all hours of the day. Now, it’s just a single cart that Jason uses because he only focuses on his vigilante stuff.
“Where are the others?” Anger asks.
The Mind Worker shrugs, “Somewhere. A few are guards, hanging around the Brain. A lot of Workers like to hang around Dream Production, others like to hang at Motor and Balance because that’s where most of the action is. Some like to stay in Subconscious, thinking they can actually protect Jason from himself.”
“We need them,” Fear says, “We’re here to help Jason and we need you all to get back in your regular posts.”
The Mind Worker stares at the Emotions, its jaw slack and eyes opened wide. “We’re helping Jason again?”
Fear nods, “We’re getting our boy back.”
The Mind Worker nods.
After dumping the bad Core Memories in an empty container, the Emotions and their Mind Worker side kick devise a plan to travel all throuout the brain to bring the other workers together and coordinate how to bring Jason’s brain back to full activity. It’s hard to get everyone around, especially since the Workers have placed hundreds of barriers around his brain, including the super duper tall cage surrounding Imagination Land and the electrified gates in some parts of Long Term Memory.
It’s hard to tell to passage of time because of Jason’s horrible and inadequate sleep hours. There’s a before the Blue Light and an after the Blue Light but very few additional signs of reference.
***
Roy is dead and Jason feels like he’ll never get to be happy again.
***
Fear finds a light blue, almost gray, orb. Fear remembers this particular memory because it honestly thought it was going to be a Core Memory when he watched Jason live it and was surprised when it became a regular one.
I am not your father, Jason.
Fear restarts the memory.
I am not your father, Jason.
Fear restarts the memory again.
“What’s that?” Anger asks.
Fear holds up the orb and restarts the memory by gliding over the surface gently.
“Ew, throw that one away,” Disgust says as it takes the orb out of Fear’s hand.
The memory orb becomes green.
“You changed the memory?” Fear asks in utter panic. “Why? Change it back!”
“How did you do that?” Anger asks.
"I don't know. I just touched it! You saw me!" Disgust says as it throws the orb to Anger. "Yuck."
Anger catches it, mostly on reflex and then brings it close to its face. "Huh, it's not changing colors when I hold it."
The orb stays green.
“We’re trying to erase Bruce’s influence,” Disgust says, “But what if, once Jason is all better, Bruce comes crawling back?”
“Ugh, he would,” Anger says. “And then he’s going to screw Jason up all over again because he’s a jerk like that.”
“Can we stop that from happening?” Fear asks.
“What if we save this one?” Anger asks, flipping the orb around. “If Bruce tries to reengage, we can always call upon this memory and the disgust Jason feels from it should be a deterrent from accepting Bruce back into his life.”
“Oooo, that’s a good plan,” Fear says.
The orb gets sent to Headquarters and it’s good at distracting Jason from the loss of Roy.
***
Dream Productions gets a whole revamp.
“No more nightmares!” Anger yells as it burns the most recent dream script.
“But the drama! The excitement! The story telling!” The Mind Worker responsible for writing up the night’s dream exclaims. “You can’t do this to me!”
Disgust smacks the Worker over the head. “Think again, jellybean! We’re back in charge and what we say goes!”
Fear crosses its arm over its chest. It looks at Disgust who has its own arms on its hips and at Anger who is in a fighting stance. Fear uncrosses its arms and tries to stand straight, realizes it looks even less intimidating like that and tries yet another pose that is equally ineffective. The Mind Worker looks confused at the display.
“Dude,” Anger and Disgust say at the same time.
“Yeah, I’m just gonna,” Fear says as it points to the door, “sit this one out…”
Fear walks out just in time to see all the dream studios be torn down and stands there watching it be rebuilt to Disgust’s exact instruction. Fear isn’t going to lie, the whole no-nightmare thing sounds like a very sweet thing.
***
The Workers line up at the edge of The Dump. There are dozens upon dozens of carts filled with dark memories. There are few hoses laying around and some cranes on standby. Fear, Disgust and Anger hold onto the bad Core Memories.
Like a waterfall, the orbs fall into the Dump.
Jason doesn’t know why but he’s suddenly feeling very content.
He blames it on the really good nap he took.
***
Roy is back.
Imagination Land opens back up and in the center of it is a statue of the Outlaws, all five members (six if one is to count Pup Pup) sharing the spotlight equally.
At the same time, the Batman statue comes crumbling down all by itself and is unceremoniously thrown into The Dump by the newly reassigned Workers.
***
Headquarters looks so pretty. Fear is loving the new purple plushy sofa. Anger has claimed the new training equipment placed in the back all for itself. Disgust spends their free time making sure all the new lights and wall decorations and furniture are in top-top shape. Disgust also volunteers to make sure there's always music playing in the background and has prohibited everyone else from chosing what they listen to. Sadness can be heard crying at the all the new books they’ve collected (which are actually novelizations of Jason’s exploits but they are very well written). Joy flutters around the revamped headquarters but likes the recently built balcony that lets them better appreciate the views of Jason’s new Islands of Personality the best.
Joy still struggles at times with leading the console but being able to roam freely is already a great improvement.
***
A new cafe opened in the bougie part of Gotham and Jason literally spends all his budgeted food money eating there. He is obsessed with their frilly drinks, their ridiculously comfy chairs, the huge list of breakfast options, and the mix-and-match syrup fountain that has already won a ‘Best of Gotham City’ award. He’s got a whole backpack full of books that he needs to drop off at his new place. Roy keeps texting him about some Halloween tickets to an amusement park in the West Coast and to clear his calendar or whatever. His therapist just emailed him about being able to accommodate his request to change their meeting time. His phone background is a recent picture of Dog with some random puppies Isabel sent him not too long ago.
The waiter fills up his cup of water. “Everything okay here, sir?”
Jason awkwardly nods and covers his mouth because he still has food in it.
“Everything’s good.”