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Xie Lian was in excruciating pain.
His ribs felt like they were piercing his lungs with every breath he took; his back felt warm and sticky and scraped raw. His torso, however, was the worst of it.
The moment Xie Lian shifted -if ever so slightly- he felt as if his insides were being ripped apart bit by bit, not by a sword; a sharp blade would not have caused nearly as much pain as he felt at the moment. No, it felt as if a thousand shards of glass were being used to move around his innards. The little jagged edges of whatever was in him dug deeper and deeper into the, most likely infected, wound with every breath he took.
Having a sword run clean through his torso would have been a blessing in comparison.
The god tried lifting his arms with much care, but he found that he was unable to support their own weight. Shocked at his lack of strength and in a moment of desperation, Xie Lian tried sitting up to assess the situation, trying to keep calm despite the voice in his head screaming at him that something was clearly, horribly wrong.
Xie Lian could not have risen over one millimeter off of where he was lying before he struck his head against a cold, rough surface. Dread filled his heart.
He was back.
Using all of his remaining strength, Xie Lian started desperately feeling up the space surrounding him, only to find that he had no space to stretch out his arms at all. Painfully twisting his wrists in place, the prince managed to feel the cold stone walls that surrounded him as he felt his eyes start to burn with the threat of tears.
Xie Lian did not want to open his eyes, terrified of his worst nightmare materializing in front of him.
Xie Lian’s breath started quickening at an alarming rate, the humid air around him failing to reach his lungs as the reality of the situation fell upon his shoulders with the weight of a hundred mountains.
The god’s damp eyelashes trembled as he struggled to open his crusted-over eyes. He had to check. Perhaps he was mistaken and was making the situation to be much worse than it actually was.
Xie Lian opened his eyes, and the strongest Martial God in the Heavenly Court cried at the sight of pitch-black darkness.
He was back in the coffin.
A sense of alarm took over the prince’s mind, clouding any sense of rationality he might have held on to this far.
Had all of it been an illusion? His escape from the tomb, his third ascension, San Lang ?
Panic took over Xie Lian as the idea that his wonderful ghost had been a cruel fabrication his mind had come up with to pass the time took root in his mind.
Grief-stricken and sobbing, Xie Lian felt a horrifying scream rip out of his throat. He really, really wished he could die right now.
The prince started hysterically scratching at the stone in a feeble attempt at escape, leaving his fingers bloody as he cursed his heavenly constitution. Oh, how he wished for death right now.
help me.
Help me. HELP ME.
HELP ME. HELP ME. HELP ME.
HELP ME. HELP ME. HELP ME. HELP ME. HELP ME. HELP ME.
WHY CAN’T I DIE?
WHY CAN’T I DIE?? WHY CAN’T I DIE?????
PLEASE LET ME DIE!!!!
–
“GEGE PLEASE WAKE UP!”
Xie Lian opened his eyes and found himself surrounded by darkness and his movement restricted by something strong and solid. He could not escape. He would be trapped as a living corpse for the rest of his immortal life, rotting away for the rest of eternity.
He thrashed and screamed and sobbed in his sleep-addled state as he begged for death.
“Gege, please calm down, it’s only me.” A voice begged, but Xie Lian could not listen above his thundering heart.
The space around Xie Lian started closing in, a firm and oppressive force looking to crush Xie Lian; to keep him locked underground where he belonged.
Xie Lian heard someone screaming at that moment, probably him, a sound so horrible it burned in his throat. A flash of bright light exploded around Xie Lian right then, and he felt the cold he had ingrained into his bones be replaced by an overbearing heat.
The walls around him subsided.
The moment the god felt the grip around him slacken he bolted away from where he was lying and curled up in a ball, an incoherent stream of words leaving the prince’s lips as he rocked back and forth in a self-soothing motion. Only the words “please. mom. death” could be understood every few seconds. Had anyone seen the state Xie Lian was at that moment, they would have thought him irrevocably mad.
Xie Lian kept up his mumbling for a while, losing track of time as he rocked back and forth, back and forth, before he spotted movement out of the corner of his eyes.
“GET AWAY FROM ME, PLEASE!” The prince screamed, turning his head towards the source, and at that moment, even as his mind was consumed by fear-
Xie Lian’s heart broke.
There, in the middle of their room in Paradise Manor, stood Hua Cheng wearing a terrified expression on his- his bloody face. Having been snapped back to awareness, Xie Lian took in the heart-wrenching state his husband was in.
Patches of skin were missing on his husband’s smooth face where he had been scratched by what most would have thought to be a savage beast. However, a slight sense of relief washed over Xie Lian as he realized that his face was already healing itself and that the blood smothering him was not his own.
Despite that, Hua Cheng looked horribly broken . He stared at Xie Lian, his gaze unmoving as he trembled like a leaf on the wind. His one eye was open wide and filled with tears that would not stop flowing down the handsome planes of his face, looking a little crazed. His long hair was incredibly messy and there was no trace of his eyepatch on his face.
Had he heard his pleas for death? He really hoped he hadn’t.
The ghost held his arm slightly outreached, desperately looking like he wanted to approach Xie Lian, but as the prince looked around the room he saw why he hadn’t done so yet. The room was in complete disarray.
Their wonderful little table, where they often spent their afternoons drinking tea and chatting about anything and everything, lay broken on the floor. The rugs that Hua Cheng had so lovingly placed on the floor for him to walk barefoot on were destroyed, covered in a trail of blood that stemmed from their bed.
The bed had taken the worst of it, the curtains that normally surrounded them in their sleep seemed to have been burnt with spiritual power, that is, the ones that were still hanging. The ornate wooden beams that once stood proud in the four corners of their expansive bed had been mostly shattered, only one of them still standing in place. Xie Lian’s side of the bed was covered in scratches like those a wild animal would produce.
Xie Lian followed with his gaze the trail of blood on their bed, all across the floor, up to himself. His arms held scratches not too dissimilar from those on the bed and on his husband’s face. He carefully inspected his arms all up to his hands and found blood under his fingernails.
Ah, he had really done it now.
“Dianxia?” Came Hua Cheng’s unsteady voice, sounding small and unsteady; like a child trying not to wail.
Xie Lian looked up at him. The ghost still looked very much alarmed, but it was clear he was trying to keep his composure for Xie Lian’s sake. Xie Lian could only try and do the same.
After all, maybe that would help him avoid Hua Cheng’s questioning.
“I’m-” Xie Lian had to swallow around the knot that remained on his abused vocal chords, trying to ignore the stinging feeling that came from what he assumed were more scratches on his throat, “I’m sorry for scaring you, San Lang. It was only a small nightmare.”
Hua Cheng started shaking his head, looking even worse than before as Xie Lian forced a small smile onto his face. Wrong move, then.
“Really, San Lang, I’m fine” Xie Lian’s legs faltered as he tried to stand up from his little safe corner and Hua Cheng rushed over to try and prevent his fall. “I truly am sorry for overreacting so-”
“Dianxia please-”
“Seriously, how embarrassing on my part. An old being like me, crying over a nightmare haha-”
“Dianxia-”
“I promise I’ll help you replace the bed, San Lang. It was such an exquisite piece of woodwork and I ruined it… How pitiful, really. I even hurt you-”
“XIE LIAN!”
The god’s eyes snapped up to meet his husband’s in shock at hearing his full name coming from his lips. The ghost held a hint of anger -or perhaps frustration- now on his face.
“Will you please stop trying to run away?” Hua Cheng begged, his voice softer once again. Vulnerable. Defeated.
“I- I’m not running away, San Lang, don’t be silly-”
“YES- Yes you are Your Highness.” Hua Cheng snapped uncharacteristically at his god, “You are trying to pretend that everything is fine when something is clearly not fine. Something happened in your dream and you won’t tell me. You never tell me.”
Hua Cheng’s voice broke at the end of his sentence. The tears that had stopped running down his face resumed their path once again as the ghost continued.
“Every time you have one of your nightmares you try and pretend like nothing is wrong, but do you not see the state of you? Something is haunting you, Dianxia. Something is weighing you down and you will not tell me.” The ghost cried.
“Have I not told you time and time again that no matter what you have done, or what has happened to you, my love will never falter? Have I not seen you at your lowest? Did I not stay with you when you fell from grace? Am I not your most devoted believer? Dianxia, darling, why won’t you talk to me? ” Hua Cheng held Xie Lian’s face in between his hands at mere millimeters from his own, keeping the god’s attention on him, desperately trying to get his words across to Xie Lian.
“I don’t like to make San Lang worry.” Xie Lian whispered, eyes cast down as he fought back tears once again.
“Don’t you see how I worry already? I suffer every day, knowing that my beloved holds so much pain in him and he won’t let me help.” Hua Cheng cried freely as he took Xie Lian’s head and rested it on his chest, holding the god tightly as if he would crumble if he let go.
“I’m sorry, San Lang.” Xie Lian sobbed, his lame attempt at building a wall falling under the weight of Hua Cheng’s devotion. He clutched at Hua Cheng’s robes as he repeated over and over: “I am so sorry.”
“Don’t apologize, Dianxia. Please.” Hua Cheng buried his face in Xie Lian’s hair, “Not to me. Never to me.”
Hua Cheng held Xie Lian through his tears, whispering soft, reassuring words when needed, running a soothing hand through his tangled hair, rocking the both of them until they were both calm enough to let go.
Hua Cheng gently set Xie Lian down on their bed and got up to ask Yin Yu to draw a warm bath for Xie Lian. After a few gentle kisses and a reassurance that he would be back in no time, Hua Cheng went to the kitchen himself to fetch some hot tea and something for the god to nibble on.
As promised, the ghost was back in less than an incense time with a tray of Xie Lian’s favorite tea and an assortment of bite-sized snacks that were perfectly suited to his tastes. They always were, after all.
Xie Lian, grateful for the temporary comfortable silence stretching between the two of them, drank his tea and ate the snacks provided to him, further soothing his frayed nerves. Hua Cheng’s gaze never left him from where he sat across him on the other side of the bed, clearly still worried about his mental state. Xie Lian did his best to finish the food to try and appease Hua Cheng.
Once he was done, Hua Cheng set the tray aside and extended his hand to gently lead Xie Lian to the bath.
At the bathing pool, Hua Cheng carefully helped Xie Lian out of his thin inner robe, careful not to let it rub against his scratches. He led Xie Lian over to sit on a stool while he added a few calming oils to the water, checking that the temperature was right in the process. Xie Lian just silently stared at his husband for the entirety of the preparation time, feeling more and more disconnected from the situation.
When the bath was ready, Hua Cheng stripped his own robes and helped Xie Lian into the bath.
For a while, only the soft sloshing of water as Hua Cheng tenderly wiped at Xie Lian’s scratches could be heard inside the bathroom. They both knew they had to talk, but none of them had ever been good at this sort of conversation.
As Xie Lian let himself be wiped clean, he decided to get it done and over with.
“I was back in the coffin.” Xie Lian felt Hua Cheng’s movements halt at the hushed admission, “In the dream I- I woke up back at the coffin.”
Hua Cheng stopped his cleaning completely, setting the washcloth down at the edge of the pool in favor of moving over to face his husband. Xie Lian, however, could not bear to see the look on his face as he carried on.
“I thought everything in these last three hundred years had been fake, an illusion.” Xie Lian lifted his gaze to meet Hua Cheng’s own crying eye. “I thought you had been just a hallucination, San Lang. I thought my mind had come up with you as some twisted way to help me pass the time. It felt as if I had lost you all over again.”
The god and the ghost were unable to keep their sobbing at bay any longer, both bursting into tears at the admission.
Hua Cheng hugged Xie Lian tightly, bending over to speak into the crook of his neck, close to his pulse as if he could speak his words straight into Xie Lian’s heart. “I will never leave you again, Dianxia. I promise. ”
Xie Lian nodded, “En, I know, my beautiful San Lang. I know that.” The god sniffled.
“But everything felt so real. I could feel the cold stone, my dirty hair, the blood on my back, the-” Xie Lian had to pause for a moment. “The stake going through my heart.”
Hua Cheng gasped as he pulled away from their embrace to look at Xie Lian, his eye swollen with tears. “Oh Dianxia.” The Ghost King weeped like a child.
This time, Xie Lian took Hua Cheng in his arms, holding him as he tried to keep talking to get the story over quickly.
“I wasn’t really scared of the pain.” The god whispered, “I was afraid that- that I would be trapped in there forever. Sealed under three layers of stone for the rest of my immortal life. I felt so alone, San Lang.”
The ghost looked up despairingly at Xie Lian, swallowing hard in an attempt to clear his voice enough to speak.
“H- How” Hua Cheng’s voice broke into a sob, but he carried on. “How long- How long was Dianxia trapped in there?” He really didn’t want to know the answer.
Xie Lian startled. “T-That’s not really relevant right now-”
“How long?” The ghost demanded.
Xie Lian closed his eyes, holding his husband impossibly close. “One hundred years.”
A sorrowful, inhuman scream tore through Hua Cheng, a sound deeply laced with anguish and hurt. Blunt nails clutched at Xie Lian’s shoulders and back as Hua Cheng howled in misery at the thought of Xie Lian’s suffering.
“My god, why.” Hua Cheng lamented, “Why did you carry this burden on your own? Why, my god, would you not let your most devoted believer be there for you? Why would you strip him of his purpose?”
Xie Lian broke down for the third time that day, joining his husband in his mournful cries.
“All this time I have been hurting you, why would you not tell me?” The ghost bemoaned.
Xie Lian recalled his reaction to Hua Cheng’s hug earlier and he felt his heart clench at the thought of Hua Cheng’s guilt.
How could he not see before how much he hurt his husband in his attempt to keep all his pain to himself? Oh how selfish and cowardly he had been. How foolish to think that he was doing his poor ghost a favor.
“I am so sorry.” Xie Lian cried along Hua Cheng, “I’m so sorry, my beautiful San Lang, my Hong’er, my Wu Ming. I am so, so sorry.”
“I promise to try to never shut my husband out again. I will never hold on to my hurt all by myself again. My wonderful ghost, my most devoted believer, I will lean on you for the rest of eternity, like a palace rests on a mighty hill. So, please, don’t despair anymore.” Xie Lian took Hua Cheng’s face in between his hands, lifting his gaze to make him understand.
“San Lang, please listen to me. Thank you.” The god placed a tender kiss on top of the ghost’s scarred eyelid. “Thank you for helping me realize that I will never be alone. Thank you for helping me realize that I no longer wish to cease existing. Thank you for making me look forward to an immortal life along with you.”
“Dianxia, I will forever be your most devoted believer. I will always be there for my god, so please, lean on me.” Hua Cheng whispered through his tears.
“En, I will from now on, my beautiful husband.” Xie Lian giggled wetly as he was overcome by a sense of relief and security.
The god and the ghost held each other tightly, crying for over two incense times as they broke down and put each other back together, lulled into calmness by the soft sounds of water surrounding them and the knowledge that they would be okay.
–
Once the tears had subsided, Hua Cheng dutifully resumed washing Xie Lian’s wounds, handling the prince like one might handle a rare flower that has just come into bloom. When he was certain that the wounds would heal cleanly, he turned his back and let Xie Lian return the favor.
The couple took turns washing each other's hair as they stood there in joint existence, and once they were finished, they stepped out of the bathing pool hand in hand.
Hua Cheng insisted on helping Xie Lian dry his hair and he did so ever so gently, making sure it was only the slightest bit damp so as to ensure his god would not fall sick. Later on he insisted on combing it, and who was Xie Lian to deny such a simple request? Xie Lian basked in the feeling of having company; of being loved and being taken care of as Hua Cheng brushed some delightfully scented oils throughout his silky hair. The ghost’s movements were slow and gentle, so as to not yank at Xie Lian’s hair at any moment.
It had been so long since anyone had taken care of him. Since anyone had truly worried for him.
It had been so long since he had felt so sure about his future, but that emotional night, as Xie Lian and Hua Cheng went to bed together for the second time, he was sure about one thing. He would be okay. He would heal.
As long as they stayed together, they would be okay.