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Kagura didn't think she asked for too much. Most girls would have passed out after turning into a snowball with a sadist and a terrorist, Big Foot, escaped both dark matters and Chubacabras, all while trudging through a snowy mountain from day to night. Truth to be said, most people would have died already. So, really, she wasn't asking for much more than to rest at peace in the cabin they found.
By at peace, of course, she meant not having to huddle near a bear-wearing man.
Even if said bear-wearing man was the Shogun itself. Through no fault of his own, the Shogun had managed to get stranded with them in the cabin– that was one thing she could accept. She hadn't even complained since the beginning of the ordeal, having been mostly resistant against the harsh cold and possessing a higher endurance than any Earthling. Resting against a man wearing bear skin shouldn't have been any worse than sleeping near a smelly, drunk Gintoki, or that damned Gorilla. But. But…
The man who seemed close to death earlier, had completely recovered upon hearing that Otae and Kagura would huddle near him.
"Hey, the Shogun's getting excited. He's got something dirty in mind," Gintoki cut to the chase, his finger trembling at the Shogun's obviously labored breathing. Shogun to be damned, Gintoki didn't want the strongest man of the universe to kill him because he wasn't able to protect Kagura from whatever this situation was.
Kagura mentally approved. As expected of her Earth Dad number one, he knew ladies like themselves shouldn't be coddling this creep. However, the Shinsengumi members were growing impatient. Hijikata was quickly tapping his feet against the old, creaky plank floor.
"Kagura-chan, Kagura-chan," Otae gestured her to get closer with a smile. "I have an idea !"
"Anego!" Kagura smiled brightly.
"Just say that he stinks," her big sister blinked at her, "you can trust me."
"Oi, what are they doing? Why are they whispering in the corner?" Hijikata lost his patience, "hurry up!" The Shogun– and by extension their heads– were at risk right now! What could those two be whispering about? All they had to do was to stand near the Shogun. Sure, he looked a tad excited, but surely that must have been just because he was raised sheltered and hadn't socialized much with women. They didn't need to worry about anything other than being forced to commit seppuku.
"Doesn't it smell," Kagura was a good actress. She learnt from Gintoki, and whispered loudly enough anybody in the cabin could hear, and in that gossipy tone she continued, "like a wash rag drenched in spoiled milk."
Otae feigned sympathy, "Kagura-chan, you shouldn't say that." She didn't deny her accusations however, despite the Shogun being well within earshot.
"But you're starting to tear up, Anego!"
"Stop that, Kagura-chan. Some things aren't meant to be said out loud…EUUP–"
Anego acts so well! How did she learn to vomit like that? The poor Shogun shifted his face towards the wall, pretending not to hear. Kagura felt a bit sorry, truth was, he didn't smell any worse than any other men in the room. But didn't want to be huddled close to him, sacrifices had to be made.
"I believe it comes from the fur he's wearing," Otae gently approached Hijikata, "maybe he should take it off."
"We're trying to stay warm here!" Did all of them have a Deathwish? It was bad enough for the Shogun to end up in an abandoned cabin in the middle of a snow storm, how could they ask him to remove his last piece of clothing in this vicious cold?
Except the Shogun already stood there, white brief and all.
"Shoguuuuun!"
Hijikata sweated, wasn't he seeking a different kind of warmth? How did the Shogun even remove his bear costume so quickly? With Kondo and Okita just there, would pushing for the women to stay near Shogun be a safe idea?
While Hijikata was losing the remaining sanity he had, Kagura and Otae's plan had backfired. They originally just hoped to change spots, how had the situation become so dire? Not only were they still expected to coddle the Shogun, they would be doing that with him wearing nothing but a white brief. The strange glow in his eyes had even brightened, not to mention that lightspeed stripping…
Anego, what do we do? Kagura hopefully looked at her sister for guidance.
We need allies Kagura-chan, Otae somehow replied back with her eyes. She motioned Gintoki and Shinpachi with her chin, they need to follow our act.
Unbeknownst to them, another strategy was building up, right under their eyes…
"Wait…doesn't it stink?"
"Why are you joining in?!"
That stupid Mayonnaise freak, what does he know? Who cares about the Shogun, that baldy is going to destroy all of Earth if he learns that we made his precious daughter huddle around a naked man! The only way is to follow Otae's plan right now! That's the path to survival!
"Are you sure that the smell was coming from the fur?" Gintoki wiped his nose, "I think the smell's gotten worse."
I'm sorry Shogun, but I have to protect my head! Gintoki cringed as the Shogun raised his arms, pretending to stretch while checking the scent of his armpits. The Shogun, the one who stood above all… Reduced to this.That man had been thoroughly humiliated already, with just a little push it should… "That must be the source."
Gintoki's finger pointed at the Shogun's crotch. "Must have been all stuffed up under that fur…We'll have to ask him to take it off."
Yorozuya, what are you playing at ?, Hijikata probed Gintoki with his eyes. It hadn't even been five minutes since the Shogun had been disrobed of both his clothing and dignity, they couldn't ask for more! The seppuku order was waiting for them, if the Shogun truly removed his brief–
In the middle of the cabin stood the Shogun, now truly stark naked.
"SHOGUUUUNNNNN! You don't even have an heir yet!"
"Your Shogun has no honor! Why did he remove it ? All he had to do was to ask one of you guys to stand near instead? Does he hunger for women so much?" Gintoki jabbed Hijikata.
"This is your shogun too, and all of our heads are going to fly if the Shogun's found dead and naked in this cabin with us!"
"Our heads?" Gintoki scoffed, "This country is going to be brought down by her bald dad," he gestured towards Kagura, "you've met him haven't you? Do you think a mere Shogun would be more dangerous than the strongest man in the universe?"
"The current priority is the Shogun! Whether her bald father comes to destroy us or not, we're all dead meat if we don't go through this right now," Hijikata yelled, "hurry up and huddle together already! The Shogun took everything off because you kept complaining, he needs some warmth for his body and heart!"
A single tear traced the cheek of the Shogun, who had yet to say a word since the beginning.
Kagura was merciless, "That's gross. I don't wanna go near him, yes?"
"Want me to kill you?" The Shogun is crying! Crying! This vacation is going to send all of us to the Sanzu river!
Shinpachi was a siscon. Everyone knew that : he loved his big sister, Otsu-chan, and the Yorozuya, in that order.
Shinpachi also disapproved of Kondo Isao. Of all men who courted his sister, he was the worst. The title of commander of the Shinsengumi didn't matter at all, not when the man resembled a Gorilla Gorilla Gorilla more than a human, and had the awful hobby of stalking her. Whether his position was prestigious or not, or if his bank account was full or empty, Shinpachi could never accept Kondo Isao.
If he didn't care for the commander of the country's military force, Shinpachi certainly didn't care more for the Shogun. He had heard the man was a wise, albeit too gentle a ruler, but he wouldn't allow his older sister and Kagura to huddle near his Neo Armstrong Cyclone Jet Armstrong Cannon. Obviously . His cherry boy's sixth sense had tingled ever since Hijikata mentioned having the women near the Shogun. There was no way he, a 100% authentic virgin, could have been wrong.
The Shogun, wise ruler or not, was excited at the idea of having pretty girls near him. His wisdom certainly hadn't stopped him from stripping from head to toe just for the opportunity! Although he felt sorry, as his next words would certainly damage the Shogun's self-esteem. He had to follow his sister's plan…
Before Shinpachi could talk, however, a joker appeared.
Okita had remained silent until now. While they had been in turmoil since entering the cabin, Okita hadn't expressed his opinion or taken a side. Shinpachi didn't think it was weird– Okita had always been kind of aloof, save for the few pranks on Hijikata, or Kagura riling him up. The latter, he guessed, took priority : Okita stepped closer to the Shogun and coolly said, "stop whining. We don't have time to gripe about bad smells or grotesque objects."
Yes. For in any given situation, Shinpachi knew Okita would choose Kagura over Hijikata. It hadn't always been the case, but nowadays Shinpachi noticed that the flax-haired officer preferred to annoy Kagura more than his vice-commander and it was easy to see why: Okita was attracted to her, in a way.
Everyone but the concerned had noticed.
Perhaps because Shinpachi was closer to their age and sometimes chatted with the two, he noticed the way Okita's red eyes lingered too long on Kagura to be innocent, or how he always managed to patrol in the area where Kagura played. It worried Gintoki greatly, but Shinpachi found himself surprisingly supportive; there was something about the two of them, that no one managed to get in-between them if they wanted to. Shinpachi was confident that for as much as Okita loved to put Kagura in embarrassing situations, he wouldn't allow the girl he liked to stay near a naked man. No man would allow that. Especially not a sadistic individual like Okita.
"That's rude," Shinpachi confidently agreed and reproached, "Don't you have any tact?"
Okita replied as expected, "Fine. We'll go first then."
Until the last minute, Okita had hesitated. On one hand, that China girl absolutely refused to go near the Shogun and questioned the great lord's, and his mini-lord's, hygiene. Forcing her to huddle and follow Hijikata's plan would bring great woes upon her. It was easy too, since the Shogun never stank, the truth could be easily revealed if one took Hijikata's side.
But somehow, Okita frowned, just by picturing China, her ugly face and deep blue eyes, standing near the naked shogun; there was something disturbing about it. His stomach knotted, as if he had eaten something foul– such as the Hijikata special– what was there to get excited about, anyway? He needed to tell the old man later, Matsudaira, that the Shogun needed to get his eyes thoroughly checked. A gorilla boss, and a China sow, what was it that made the Shogun, the leader of the country, strip within five minutes? Did his eyes have to glitter at the idea of them huddling around him? Or was it his nose that had issues, with such deep breaths he had taken?
Okita clenched his fist.
"Stop whining. We don't have time to gripe about bad smells or grotesque objects," for once, just this time, he was willing to help China a bit. Just to appease those awful stomach knots. Surely a consequence of Mitsuba's teaching, he had to help girls– though he doubted China qualified fully as one– and not helping her right now would disappoint his dear sister.
That was why he had to intervene, yes, no doubt about that.
"That's rude, don't you have any tact?" Shinpachi-kun followed suit. One expected as much, from a siscon like glasses stand.
"Fine. We'll go first then." Sougo stepped towards the Shogun.
"Oh that works, I don't care who goes first, just go!" Hijikata-san, who had been gripping danna's jacket, finally relaxed. Die, Hijikata-san. Okita confirmed his decision. Not only helping Shinpachi would lessen that mysterious knot in his stomach, he also gets to betray Hijikata, for good measure.
"I can't smell anything," Shinpachi gently smiled. Blood runs thick in boss lady's family, Okita thought, "it's just a man's odor…EUP–"
Okita and Shinpachi vomited.
"Lord Shogun, have them executed!" Hijikata pleaded.
"S-Sorry, China girl…"
Kagura had never heard the Sadist apologizing, nor had she seen him openly help her this way. He was a miserable Chihuahua in all kinds of ways, not honest nor gentle, a potato samurai who didn't know how to talk with people well. But Kagura understood his odd ways better than anyone else. His rare kindness would be hidden behind a wall of insults, it was just the way of Chihuahua, a pitiful dog which barked more than it could bite.
But it seemed even that pitiful Chihuahua could act cute, sometimes.
That guy must really like me, yes?
"It's fine if you understand now," for that once in a lifetime sincerity, Kagura chose against teasing him, after all, some things are better left unsaid; for both of them, actions spoke louder than words.