Work Text:
Hanahaki Disease is deadly illness in which a person bearing an unspoken love coughs up flower petals which can only be cured if love is confessed.
“Narinig mo ba yung nangyari kay Alas?” Justin asks Ken as he takes a bite of his burger. It was a Friday, and they were sitting in a park both eating burgers. “Oo... yung may... Hanahaki diba?” Ken responded also taking a bite at his. Ken and Justin have been best friends for years, and this just seemed like another normal day for them. After all this is what best friends always do. Nag-chichismisan sa park after school, minsan habang kumakain. This time, mukang ang magiging topic nila ay yung sakit na iyon.
“Grabe… Bakit kaya ganon? Ano kaya feeling ng mainlove ng sobra..” Justin spoke his thoughts out loud. “Hindi ko rin alam.” Ken adds.
That is a lie, Ken has definitely fallen in love.
Ken didn’t realize it, because it all felt natural, and it all felt easy. Falling for Justin felt right. Justin, who was Ken’s neighbor ever since his family moved into their village. Justin, who was Ken’s first friend in school. Justin, who always takes pictures of Ken playing. Justin, who was the only one who managed to tell Ken that he was wrong. Justin, who always managed to cheer up Ken anytime he lost. Justin who was Kens bestfriend of ten years. Justin who was always there for Ken. Si Justin, na mahal na mahal ni Ken pero hindi nya kayang sabihin.
Daisies. Ken remembers.
Justin speaks again. “Ang interesting lang din ng Hanahaki noh?”
“Ha? Pano naman naging interesting yun. Parang ang brutal nga.” Ken answers, he almost sounded offended. “Wala lang. Naimagine ko lang kasi baka yun yung pakiramdam ng nagmamahal ng sobra..” Justin continued. “Baka talagang parang there’s a growing flower inside of your heart.. you know... like yung nararamdaman mo talagang parang nag-blossom, namumulaklak.”
And Justin was right. That is exactly how Ken felt while falling inlove with Justin.
Akala ni Ken sa sarili nya na mawawala din agad yung crush nya kay Justin nung una, pero mali sya. As time passed by, his love grew stronger and stronger. Anytime Justin watches his game, he gets excited even more. Every time Justin was outside his house, he could feel his heart beat faster. Every single day that he sees Justin, he can’t help but fall even harder. Just like how a flower blossoms with the morning sun beam, Justin is Ken’s sunshine that fuels his love even more. But only the flowers need the sun, and not the other way around.
Orchids. On Ken’s hands.
“Sus... Kung talagang parang blossom yung pakiramdam ng inlove eh bakit ka naman mag-susuka ng literal na bulaklak?” Ken snaps back again. “Maganda naman ang flowers ha… di ba?” Justin says. Of course, Justin would say this, Ken thinks. He always had a very positive view of the world. “Mas ok na siguro flowers kesa iba isuka noh! Tsaka tulad nga ng sabi ko, baka ganun kasi talaga literal na may tumutubong flower..” He continues as he tries to defends the illness.
“So is loving supposed to be beautiful and hurtful at the same time?” Ken tries to reason with Justin this time.
Justin paused before answering Ken’s question. “Hmmm.. Siguro nga kasi diba yung mga nagkaka-hanahaki yung mga di umaamin. Baka hurtful sya kasi kapag di ka pa umaamin, you are unsure. And when you are unsure or uncertain of what the other feels, that can truly hurt.”
It did hurt.
Ken not being able to express his love verbally. He did express it through everything else. Ken, who was with Justin when his family didn’t support his passion for photography. Ken, who willingly buys Justin the film he needs. Ken, who would stick up for Justin when he was bullied. Ken who was Justin's shoulder to cry on. Ken, who has unending love and support for Justin's craft and wit. Ken who was Justin's most trusted friend. Ken whose actions were most likely only seen as a friendly gesture by Justin. Loving Justin was truly beautiful and hurtful at the same time.
Tulips. In the bathroom sink.
“Bakit kasi kailangan pa umamin.” Ken mumbles, but Justin heard him. “Syempre! Kaya nga siguro nagsusuka ng flowers, parang sinasabi sayo na kung hindi ka pa aamin sila nalang daw lalabas ng kusa hahaha” Justin laughs at his own interpretation of the disease. “Or.. pwede naman mag pa-surgery diba may ganun na daw? Kaso may side effect nga lang na di ka na daw makakafeel ng love uli?” Justin suddenly turned serious at the thought.
“Operahan pa? Never love again? Grabe naman na yun hahahah. Umamin ka nalang kung ganun” It was Ken who was laughing this time. The thought of surgery was way too dramatic even for him.
“Tsaka teka nga, bakit nga ba tayo kasi napunta dito, hindi naman tayo yung may Hanahaki ah hahaha” Justin realized how deep they are in the Hanahaki discussion.
“Oo nga. Wala naman.” Ken responds quietly.
“Basta ako, aamin na ko sa prom natin kay Ash bago pa lumalim para safe sa Hanahaki.” Justin jokes. “Ikaw din Ken! wala ka ba talagang crush? Sus.. Baka torpe ka lang ha..”
“Meron.” Ken shortly answers.
Meron, meron syang matagal nang minamahal. Pero may gusto na iba.
It was what holding Ken back. Not Ash, but the fact that Justin always liked someone else throughout the years. But never Ken. But Ken understood, he didn’t want to force himself to Justin. So he never risked it, he treasures their friendship more than anything. Ken was always fine with not confessing to Justin. He was more than grateful to have Justin by his side always and that is enough. But things are different this time. He might have to confess even if Justin didn’t like him back.
Roses. Red as blood.
“Yun oh! Pareho tayo aamin sa prom ha! Sabi mo yan. Tara na ng uwi na tayo, gumagabi na oh.” Justin stands up the bench and offers a hand at Ken. And then they walked home together holding hands, because they are bestfriends after all. Ken smiles as he has already made up the decision in his head, he smiles at Justin for the last time.
It was the day of the prom. Justin was patiently waiting outside the venue. Sabay daw sila dapat papasok ni Ken pero wala pa syang paramdam sakanya. Ang alam nya may sakit si Ken nung mga nakaraan kaya hindi rin nakapagchat masyado sakanya. Justin actually wanted to visit him, pero Ken refused saying “Wag na! Mahahawa ka lang, baka dalawa pa tayo di makapunta sa prom ” through chat. Justin didn’t insist anymore, he let his friend rest as he requested.
Ken's last chat to him was just “Thank you, Justin. I will rest well. :) ”
After a few more texts and calls Justin was starting to get impatient. He dialed Kens number again and finally, someone answered. “Ken! Hello! Buti naman sumagot ka.. Asan ka na? Don’t tell me hanggang dito ba naman late ka?” Justin quickly rants to his phone. The other line remained silent. “Ken? Hello?” Justin tried to lift his phone, maybe the signal was lost or he wasn’t heard. Until he heard sobs from the other line. “Justin anak…” It was Ken's mother.
“Wala na si Ken.”
No, it can’t be. Ken is still alive, there’s no way he’s gone, Justin thinks. He can’t accept it, surely Ken can still be cured. Justin quickly went to the hospital where Ken was admitted. But Justin was wrong. He found Ken's parents crying in the hospital. And just like that Justin also have broken down into tears.
“Bakit daw po? Paano po nangyari?” Justin struggled to finish his sentence. But he wanted to know why, why his best friend was gone.
“Hanahaki disease, anak. He’s been puking petals pala this past months wala syang sinasabi. May mga nakitang flower petals of Daisies, Orchids, Tulips, and Roses in his scan”
Justin was speechless. Aside from the exhaustion of crying, he was genuinely speechless. All he could think of was why Ken didn’t tell him. They were just talking about Hanahaki last week. Ken already had it by then. Justin would’ve done everything to help him.
“Ay, and we found this letter pala Justin, it says it’s for you. Iwan ka nalang namin iho ha.” Ken's parents leave as they give Justin the letter to read.
Hello, Justin!
Unang una sorry, sabi ko naman sasabay ako sayo sa pag-amin sa prom. Parang di na yata ako umabot hahaha. Hindi ko naman talaga sinasadya, nagkataon lang. Sorry talaga ha, hindi pa ko nakapagpaalam ng maayos.
Pero ito na aamin na ko. Justin mahal na mahal kita.
Simula palang nung una kaming lumipat sa street nyo. Hanggang sa unang pitik ng iyong camera. Hanggang sa bawat pagpunta mo sa bawat games ko. Sa bawat oras na kasama kita, wether it was ups and downs. I was fully inlove with you, Justin de Dios.
I’m sorry nagsinungaling ako na hindi ko pa naranasan magmahal. Kasi damang dama ko yun araw araw na kasama ka. Tama ka nga nung araw na yon, ang pagmamahal parang bulaklak, pero yung naramdaman ko sayo hindi lang isang flower. Buong garden na ata, garden na kinimkim ko ng matagal. It continuously bloomed ever so beautifully that I can say that loving you was such a beautiful feeling Justin.
It may have been painful, but it was worth all the pain. I did not want to ruin what we had, I was contented. Mas gusto ko yung araw-araw tayong magkasama kahit nilalamon na ako ng nararamdaman ko. Masaya na kong nakakasama kita kahit walang kasiguraduhan na may nararamdaman ka rin kahit kaunti para sakin. So, don’t blame yourself for not knowing, it was my choice. Our friendship was the greatest thing and I wouldn’t trade it for anything else.
That is why I was too afraid to confess, I was so scared to ruin what we had. Kahit na buhay ko yung nakasalalay, I just can’t risk it, I’m sorry. I know it may be selfish, no, it was selfish of me to have this reason for giving up. But I’d rather live until my last breath loving you, than to live another day without being able to love you.
I love you Justin De Dios, 'til the end.
With ever blooming love,
Ken
Binaba ni Justin yung sulat ni Ken. He coughs. Roses.