Chapter Text
It was hard at first, reconciling myself with the way things were. So hard, in fact, that for a month I fell lost between the cracks of one reality and another, better one. I found myself trapped within this space that only existed in my mind, desperate to ignore this version of my life while clinging on to the one that Edward had cast me out of forever. Without him, I knew I’d never be able to return there again.
Even as I lay in my bed, day after day, eyes set on no point in particular, revising my life to see how I could tie it back to this ideal timeline, I knew that even if he did come back, it would never be the way I’d imagined it would be again. And that was what truly killed me inside.
Charlie was patient as I came to terms with this, and I knew why. He was watching what had happened to him sixteen years ago unfold before him through his daughter. I couldn’t help but feel a dull ache, amidst my sea of pain, for Charlie too. He didn’t deserve to have a share in my sorrow. I wanted to pull myself out of it for him… but it was hard, so incredibly hard.
That was why I was surprised but ultimately grateful when he came into my room that morning and shook me awake.
The sun was surprisingly bright through the clouds as I winced my eyes open. I could feel the warm, sturdy press of Charlie’s hand on my shoulder, shaking me gently.
“Bells… Bells…” he said softly, but firmly. He was determined to say something. Why? I was tentatively curious to find out.
Sitting up, I blinked blearily at Charlie sat in full uniform beside me on my bed, his tired eyes considering me carefully. My breathing grew quick and anxious as I waited for what he was about to say.
“It’s time to get out of bed sweetheart,” he said simply, at first. I didn’t know what I’d been expecting, but it should have been this. Charlie had been incredibly patient with me up until now.
I sighed, feeling the weight of my life crashing down around me. There was nothing especially pressing or important- which I think was a big part of what was making me miserable. The crushing weight of nothingness. The terrifying measure of space between me and anything good waiting for me in the future. A month ago, they’d seem so close I could feel the breath of possibility whispering in my ear.
Now, they were barely even an echo, and Charlie was asking me to go out into that wilderness still healing.
A sudden panic gripped me as my eyes widened and I tried to think of an excuse why I should put it off just another day.
Charlie seemed to see this in me immediately and stamped it out.
“It’s time Bells,” he said sternly, adding quickly, and gentler, “Look… I know what this is like.”
I paused, staring up at him. I knew what he was talking about, but I’d never heard him say it, even as indirectly as this, to me before.
My interest seemed to stoke some flame of bravery in Charlie, pushing him to speak.
“When your mother left, I was… I was totally checked out. For months,” he added wearily, eyeing me like he was warning me not to get any ideas, “So I know that sometimes all you need is a good kick in the a- pants,” I rolled my eyes, he rolled his too, like father like daughter, then looked at me sincerely, “To get you back on your feet again.”
He seemed to be lost in thought for a moment. Perhaps he was sucked back into the past, like I was. Remembering happier times, when the future seemed a lot brighter. What had his version of the future looked like to him? I wondered. It made me feel worse, just then, knowing that for the closest and most similar person to me in the world, his happy ending hadn’t happened. For all my pity for Charlie, I felt an added pang of self-pity for myself.
“You know, if it hadn’t been for Billy Black I probably would have been in that state for a whole lot longer,” Charlie said finally, his expression thoughtful, “He took me out fishing every weekend I had off for two months straight, even though he had a family of his own to care for.”
Charlie’s face lightened just then, his gaze turning to mine with an abrupt clarity that I was so unused to seeing in him.
“You know, the Blacks have always been a good influence over us Swans... I’m gonna go call Billy up and ask him to have you over today, let you see Jacob. I’m sure he’d like to see you.”
The energy of his idea seemed to have pushed him with enough force down the stairs and towards the landline in the kitchen. For a moment, it didn’t sink in what he was doing until I finally ran after him in horror, bracing against the kitchen counter when I inevitably hit my shin against a kitchen cabinet in my chase. Kneeling over while I rubbed my wound, I beseeched him to rethink what he was doing.
“Please dad, please don’t. I don’t want you to call Billy and set up a pity play date with me and his son. It’s just too embarrassing.”
Charlie seemed resolutely determined, despite my pleas, punching in Billy’s number with practiced speed. He cast a quick glance at me, saying, “Nonsense, Bells. Jacob’s a good kid, and he’s known you for years. If he’s anything like his father, he’ll be a good friend to you.”
He held the phone up to his ear while I watched in dread, listening to the faint dial tone and praying it would go straight to voicemail.
“Hello?” I heard Billy’s voice faintly through the receiver.
A cold splash of despondency crashed over me.
“Yeah, hey Billy, do you think Jacob would mind if Bella came over to hang out? It’s fall break and I’ve got a double shift, so I just want to make sure she’s not all by herself all day,” he cast me a quick glance while moving slightly further away as Billy’s voice murmured faintly in response, whispering indiscreetly in response, “Yeah, she just broke up with him and she’s going through a hard time right now. You know how it is, first love and all that.”
I felt something a toxic mix of indignation and humiliation fill my chest like poisonous fumes, I let out an angry huff to try and push it out. I tried to remember that Charlie just wanted to help me, but it was feeling more and more like a punishment for moping around the house all month above anything else.
“That’s great!” I tuned back in to hear Charlie concluding his conversation, a pleased look on his face, “Thanks Billy, I’ll send her right over to you. Thanks again- yep, absolutely. Goodbye.”
He hung up the phone, looking at me with a faint smile below his heavy black mustache. Dread coiled itself around my gut.
“So, you’ll be going over to Billy’s place and I’ll be meeting you there for dinner. Apparently, Jacob’s more than happy to hang out with you today, no surprise there,” he said, sounding smug.
Dinner stuck in my mind clear above anything else. I glanced at the tiny LED clock above the stove. It read 8:05 am. Charlie said he’d be sending me over straight away. That meant I would be at the Blacks’ house for at least eight hours, and that was assuming they ate dinner exceptionally early.
I glanced back at my father, who above all else seemed extremely pleased with the situation as a whole. I wondered for a moment if I could fake period cramps and get him to let me stay home, but based off the way he began to hustle around the kitchen, getting himself a bowl of cereal and humming happily but tunelessly to some unknown song, I had a feeling he’d shake a couple of ibuprofen into my hand and ship me off anyway. I imagined him sticking a Handle With Care sticker on me, pushing me out to the Blacks’- who were fully aware of my current situation- with little qualms about how this might be totally and utterly humiliating for me.
I glanced back at Charlie, aware of the sullen look I was giving him. Charlie rolled his eyes and said pointedly, emphasizing with a spoon, “It’ll be good for you Bella, trust me on this. Nothing better for a Swan than a Black, you’ll see.”
I only had the energy to huff loudly as I slowly made my way back up the stairs to get ready for what would surely be the longest day of my entire life.
It wasn’t that I didn’t like Jacob. The handful of times that I’d seen him since moving back to Forks had been perfectly pleasant. In my mind I could already envision his cheerful mien and his embracing me without another thought. It seemed to be his natural state of being, something I couldn’t help but wonder at as I got ready rather gloomily under the unflattering grey light of the bathroom window. I could only imagine that it had to be genetic, like Charlie had insinuated earlier. Jacob had inherited friendliness and tan-ness and overall good and wholesome characteristics. I’d gotten the cool, translucent skin of an albino lizard and an overall expression of painful chagrin that almost never went away. Thank you, Charlie.
As if in evidence, I glanced in the mirror and huffed as I stared at my barren, washed-out face without a trace of makeup, accentuated by the tight ponytail I’d pulled my hair into. I thought for a moment about letting my hair down and putting on a layer of the only tinted lip balm I owned, then thought the better of it. Who was I dressing up for? The only person who I really cared about my appearance around had left and told me on the way out that none of it had really ever mattered anyway. I gave the medicine cabinet an angry smack shut as I marched out the bathroom.
I barely said anything to Charlie as I left, grumbling a goodbye as he cheerfully waved me off, his eyes knowing and certain. It was the first time I’d actually felt like an actual teenager around my father, instead of just an ambivalent roommate. The thought was surprisingly comforting as I locked the door behind me and made my way through the chilly autumn fog into my truck. Starting it up, I glanced at the cruiser beside me and sent well wishes Charlie’s way for his day at work today. I knew deep down he had the best intentions for me, but it spurred a funny feeling inside my chest to see those intentions in action. It made me feel a little less hollow inside.
I backed out of the driveway, feeling as though a tiny, benevolent marble were rolling around inside my chest, a reminder that at least someone in this world cared or me, even if the person I wanted to the most didn’t.