Chapter Text
When Remus had admitted to Peter that he was in love with his best friend, the first thing he asked Remus was, when did you realise?
But when you have always loved someone, that is a difficult question to answer. At what point is it that you should be able to recognise that the way you feel for someone turns over from adoration, to something more akin to reverence.
It had really hit him when he had typed out the words without thinking;
“I’m so in love with you,”
only to pause, gaping at his phone with furrowed brows as the truth behind those words really sank in.
Sirius had sent him a long voice message, enthusiastically recounting the first time Regulus had finally stooped to his level and pranked him back, in utter disbelief that he still had stories to tell Remus even after all these years.
Sirius was animated, with a gift for storytelling that made Remus feel like he was there, gasping in shock and laughing when Sirius did. It had filled him with such a warm feeling, a smile on his lips that felt so much lighter than a smile for anyone else. And so his reaction to that, the message, the need for Sirius to know the extent of his affection, was easy; natural.
His thumb hovering over the backspace button, Remus had stared blankly at the phone screen for a few moments more, wondering what the worst that could happen would be if he sent the message as was. Either Sirius would consider it a platonic exaggeration of Remus’ affection, or he would take it at face value and their friendship would be ruined.
He had erased the message, and sent something safer, though knowing what he now knew, it still verged on too much. If they knew how he felt, the entire context would change. It felt like he was breaking Sirius’ trust, being in love with him without his permission. Remus had been agonising. He felt like it was the right thing to tell him, but anxiety gripped at his heart with sharp talons, keeping him right on the edge of truly wanting to confess.
Peter had encouraged Remus to tell Sirius, and Remus could tell that Peter only wanted him to be happy. But when he explained his reasons for hesitating, Peter could only agree.
Remus was hesitating for many reasons, first and foremost that he was absolutely terrified of losing Sirius as a friend. If Sirius deemed it a breach of trust, like he feared, or became uncomfortable with being Remus’ friend, everything would fall apart. Or worse, he could be indifferent, and want to pretend that Remus’ feelings didn’t exist, promising in time they would both forget about it.
Remus wasn’t going to forget this. Somehow he could distinguish the difference between considering how he should feel, and acting on it, and actually feeling it. He had experienced varying degrees of affection towards other people, actively wondering, “Is this love?” thinking at the time that it had to be the kind that poets spoke of, and that they were just bounds more romantic than he was- not that he would ever have referred to himself as a romantic. Romance kind of made him cringe.
But then… Sirius. And he knew. He could distinguish the difference. Especially because he had always loved him. When the love shifted to something more, he felt like he’d skipped over to an entirely different plane. Not only was he having a crisis about being in love with his best friend, but he had realised he was on the aromantic spectrum.
He was entirely out of his depth.
And that’s how he ended up on Reddit, looking up “How to tell your best friend you’re in love with them.” On the way to the station. Because he had to tell him, didn’t he? It felt entirely unfair to Sirius if he had no idea that Remus was absolutely head over for him. If he didn’t know, Remus would feel like a total creep.
It wasn’t long before he was an anxious mess, reading through the responses of people's lived experiences. Some got their happily ever after, and some of them lost their friendships entirely.
Maybe he should wait until the end of the school year. Tell him when they had the opportunity to avoid the awkwardness of Sirius having to tell Remus that he wasn’t interested in being with him. Because that’s what he wanted, wasn’t it? To be together? Whatever that meant.
Remus stood in front of the train station, just staring at it for a moment. He’d never been very good at hiding how he felt about things. Even if Sirius didn’t notice, everyone else would. And what if someone told him, anyway? Shouldn’t it be Remus to tell him? Rather than hide it?
Remus takes a deep breath and continues on, weaving through the crowds of muggles at the station as he heads towards their platform, keeping his head down. Maybe he would see Sirius in person again, and realise that he had blown it all well and truly out of proportion. That his mind had just been playing tricks on him. He’d been reading too many romances…
Except his heart skips a beat when he hears Sirius call out his name. His breath hitches when he turns and sees Sirius bounding towards him, unbidden excitement.
Sirius Black is the most incredible person that Remus has borne witness to, and he hopes it’s not too obvious on his face how absolutely lovesick he is for him as Sirius lands in front of him, throwing his arms around Remus’ shoulders, slamming bodily into him with the force of his hug, so that remus has to step back to steady them, wrapping his arms tight around Sirius in turn. He presses his cheek against his hair, subtly able to inhale the scent of him, relaxing instantly.
Home.
Fuck. So it wasn’t just in his head, then.
“Hey love,” Remus murmurs, when instead of letting him go, Sirius just holds him tighter.
Eventually, Sirius pulls back enough to look at him, and grins. “Hi.”
Remus is so screwed.