Work Text:
"I don't want to fight over something like this."
Shorter stopped. He was still holding on to the supplier list Nadia gave to him, that he'd been fiddling with all night, trying to decide which companies were their most cost-effective bet to renovate the restaurant.
Looking up, he was greeted with the image of his best friend, bespectacled, hair tousled, wrapped in a too-large shirt, legs crossed over, arms around his torso as if to shrink himself, to make himself flat against the wall.
Something he did whenever he was nervous.
"Over what?" Shorter ventured, cautiously.
Ash wasn't meeting his eyes.
"Eiji," Ash whispered.
Shorter opened his mouth to speak - before staring in silence.
"I've seen the way you look at him," Ash went on, slowly.
"--Because you look at him the same?" Shorter interrupted.
Ash stared back, and then let out a sigh.
"I don't know," was all he could muster.
Shorter regarded the floor for a bit. His place was nothing like Eiji's, and especially smaller ever since he finally made it home to New York. He decided it'd probably be best to get some rugs in to cover up the stained wooden floorboards at some point.
He shifted slightly in his seat. They both felt the same, now, and nine years ago.
There was a piercing throb through his chest.
"We don't have to fight over something like this," Shorter finally replied. His eyes were blank - fixating on the chipped black coffee table he'd pulled from a Goodwill.
"He's all yours," he said, calmly. Of course, this was their only option. He'd seen how enamoured Eiji had been with Ash back then, and certainly, ever since he returned, he'd stopped at nothing to spend time with him. He'd been invited, nearly constantly, to their weekly stay-overs at Eiji's house, but it was all the same. How could anyone not feel like they were intruding?
"No," Ash whispered.
No?
Shorter looked up in confusion. What was he getting at? If getting him to back off on Eiji wasn't his goal, then what was? An assurance they wouldn't ruin their friendship? A friendship that barely could stay the same after eight years of assuming the other had died? A friendship long sullied by the fact that Shorter was the first to betray them? Shorter had to catch himself before he remembered how he was better off dead.
Then Ash walked over this time, his fists clenched as he forced himself to stand in front of Shorter.
"I don't want to lose you too," Ash muttered.
"What do you mean?" Shorter asked, staring at him.
"I don't want us to... stop what we have, just because we both like Eiji."
Ash's hand was trembling. He must've summoned everything he had just to have this conversation.
Instinctively, before he could stop himself, Shorter reached out to hold Ash's hand in his.
The trembling stopped, he noticed.
"You're not gonna lose me," Shorter replied. If anything, I think I've long lost you, he thought. Whether it was to Eiji, or to Golzine, or to the fact that he forced him to shoot him, to kill. He'd long lost the privilege to call him his best friend - let alone a lover, a partner, because he promised - a teenage promise - a solemn vow never to be like the rest, even if he never told him outright. Because his safety, his security in a newfound friend his age, an escape from the nastiness of his world, was all he could hope to offer. Imagine destroying it all now, faced with the confession that they loved the same boy. Shorter's eagerly disguised affection for him was impossibly close to unravelling.
"I am," Ash replied, with a quiver in his voice. His hand held Shorter's tightly.
"Why do you say that?" Shorter asked. He wondered if he should let go - and yet, he couldn't bring himself to. If this was what Ash wanted, he'd do anything to hold on to him.
"Because I love you too."
It was spoken in such a small voice Shorter didn't think he'd heard it right.
He stared at him in silence.
"Come on, say something, goddamnit," Ash muttered, before hastily letting go of his hand, making a beeline for the door.
"Wait! Wait, Ash, please," Shorter nearly yelled, scrambling over himself just to grab hold of his hand before he reached the doorknob.
He saw how flushed Ash had gotten. His shoulders were hunched over, almost as if to hide himself.
"Ash, please hear me out," Shorter cried.
A million questions raged through his head. Did he hear right? Was Ash actually, genuinely in love with him? What about Eiji? But why? Why'd he pick him to love, of all people? A washed-up ex-gangster, a discarded stress toy of the head of the Lee clan, and now, here he was living paycheck to paycheck, nearly homeless and unemployed if not for his sister's endless kindness, despite the shit he put her through. Ash definitely had better options.
"It's okay, I get it," Ash replied, his gaze firmly fixed at the door. Shorter saw the blur of his eyes - the glisten of tears.
"No, no you don't get it - Ash, listen to me--"
"There's nothing to listen to." Ash had turned the doorknob now, his foot already out the threshold.
"Sorry I grossed you out."
Shorter was left standing in the empty rented apartment, watching as the blond figure of his friend faded into the street.
He took a while before he could feel his feet again. What just happened - and why did Ash just leave?
Grossed me out?
Shorter shuddered. He'd fucked up big time. How hard could it have been to just tell him he loved him too? And that he had, for years? To hell with better options. Fuck, they were all the other had for so long, and now he thought he was in a position to lecture anyone about better options?
Shorter pulled the coats off the rack with abandon as he bolted out his apartment in the direction Ash left in.
He wasn't about to just sit there and wait for Ash to call. They each knew better than anyone else that second chances don't come easy. Hell, they'd never come again.
He had to find Ash, fast. It was the dead of winter and he cursed himself for letting him leave in just a shirt and jeans.
"Ash! ASH!"
The blond was walking slowly, in the corner of an empty backstreet illuminated by the only flickering lamplight in the area, his hands bundled in his pockets in a feeble attempt to keep the heat in - when he heard the unmistakeable voice.
"ASH!" Shorter cried, lunging right at him, wrapping his coat around him.
"Shorter, what are you--"
But Ash couldn't finish his words, because he was engulfed in the tightest hug he'd felt in years.
"I-love-you-too."
The words were spoken so quick they stuck together, and Shorter sighed, wishing he was slightly better at this.
What? Ash blinked.
"I love you, Ash," Shorter repeated, with a hint of urgency and desperation laced with fear.
"I love you so much, I can't imagine living a life where you're not around," Shorter continued, his eyes glassy as he pulled the coat around Ash tight, and slipped his own gloves onto Ash's cold hands.
"And I wish I could've told you sooner because I've basically been in love with you since we were ---"
He paused. Any further than this, and he'd have broken their promise - and then, Ash would lose all his trust in him. Perhaps even more infuriatingly, his words came a mile a minute - the way they often did when he was scared. He wondered if Ash picked up on it, because his best friend was regarding him with a look of concern as he adamantly refused to make eye contact with him, pretending to be far more interested in the moss-filled cobblestone floor.
Shorter shook his head, recovering for a moment.
"It- it doesn't matter. I just want you to know that I've always loved you and you'll never, ever, gross me out. I just wish I was better for you. So if you prefer Eiji, that's okay too, I can --"
He was cut off with a softness to his lips - it was cold, and yet the warmest thing in the world in that moment.
"Ash...?" Shorter began, nervously, when Ash finally broke the kiss, eyes half-lidded, lips slightly apart. He seemed to shuffle awkwardly - as if he couldn’t believe he’d done that, studying Shorter’s face to find some semblance of repulsion. There was none.
Shorter wanted so badly to lean in for a second. But how much was he allowed?
"It's so fucking stupid," Ash finally said. His face, scrunched in a frown, his lips paler than before, with threads of snow atop his gold eyelashes - the picture of an angel, Shorter thought.
Wait. What's stupid?
"Why do we have to feel like this?" Ash croaked - his voice dry from the winter air. His cheeks were wet, Shorter noticed.
"Who cares about the past and who cares that we both like Eiji?" Ash seemed to frown even more. "Been through hell and back and I still can't even say the most important shit."
Ash looked down on the ground where they stood, crouched.
He heaved a deep sigh before he went on.
"I don't want to fight with you over Eiji and I want to be with you," Ash said, bringing his gloved hands to cup the sides of Shorter's face, his eyes sharp as he finally met Shorter's gaze. "Not as friends," he added, firmly.
Shorter could feel the quiver in Ash's hands.
Ash quickly dropped his gaze. "Only if you want to. Only if... you don't feel it's..." The words seemed to catch in his throat, tangled in with wariness, grief, shame. He played back Shorter's words just then - that he'd never, ever gross him out. Ash scoffed slightly at the audacity he had to assume his best friend, reunited after eight years, was truly about to accept him quite as unconditionally as that. Not that he didn't already know how dirty he was - rather thoroughly too, since he was the one who patched him up on the worst nights. If anyone was going to accept him, it'd be Shorter. But how creepy was it to have your own friend, a whore by every standard, suddenly tell you he likes you?
Ash shuddered.
He knew what this was. All the times he'd spiraled before he'd had some kind of outlet - alcohol, knives, a gun. Pills. Sex. But here in the middle of a snow-covered deserted alley behind 24-hour laundrettes where the stench of the sewage permeated the air, there was none. He could make a break for it, but something told him Shorter'd chase him anyway.
Eight years of regret seemed to weigh upon his shoulders.
Ash made a promise to himself that day in the dungeon - that in his next life, if fate was so kind, he would never let Shorter feel like he deserved to be abandoned - not again.
"I love you Ash," Shorter replied. His expression was too earnest, Ash thought. What was he doing, pretending he was actually returning his feelings? Why couldn't he just break away, laugh it off, say he never really looked at him that way, and that'd be it? Why did he say the words he wanted to hear?
"Don't force yourself," Ash muttered. It was all he could.
"I'm not," Shorter replied, bringing their foreheads together. Ash noticed how warm he was.
"I love you and Eiji. There wasn't a day when I was in Kowloon when I didn't think of you both. Honestly, I don't know how it's going to work but I really want to be with you too, if you'll let me."
Ash blinked.
"So you do love Eiji..?" Ash began. This wasn't news to him, of course - way back in Cape Cod, only someone with a crush like that would let Eiji sleep so close. Would hug Eiji any chance he got. It explained his letters, too. Ash wasn't even sure why he was feeling all weird about it. He knew - oh, he knew. He knew it and he'd broached it and he'd expected it and now? He felt like something was ripped out of his chest.
"Yeah," Shorter replied, sheepishly. "I know it's kind of messed up since I .... since I kidnapped him. And almost got him killed. And I was the reason he got into Golzine's hands and the reason he-- the reason you --" Shorter trailed off.
"I'm so sorry," Shorter choked.
"Don't apologise, Shorter," Ash replied, softly. His own ache seemed so small compared to his - the sobbing, hunched-over, purple-haired boy he trusted with his life.
"I never once held it against you," Ash continued, gently, with a shaky hand, as he brushed away the tears that slipped down Shorter's face.
"But why wouldn't you?" Shorter whispered, his voice raspy.
"Because I knew you had to do what you did. You were blackmailed," Ash replied. "How can I possibly blame you for it?"
"I would have done anything in the world just to have you back," Ash went on, his own vision beginning to blur.
Shorter looked up at him, and smiled slightly. "Me too."
"Well, we're both back," Shorter chuckled lightly, after a moment.
"We are," Ash replied, blankly.
"If --" Shorter began, as he found his hands in Ash's gloved ones - "If we could start over, I'd tell you I love you, and I'd ask you out on a date," he smiled. "I'd say, you're my best friend and the one I want to spend my whole life with. And I wanna take you out for a real fancy dinner, a night on the town, at an upclass diner complete with a parfait buffet and hang at the aquarium," he grinned, through tears. "I wanna bring you out on so many dates, you'd only have the good memories of Manhattan left. Maybe drive down to Florida, go to Disneyland, ride all those roller coasters and wear Mickey Mouse ears and hang out by the beach in the sunset." Shorter sniffed. "I'd always wanted to do all that sorta stuff with you. Regular things, things couples do on their cheesy first dates - I want to spend all my days with you like that."
Ash couldn't help himself from smiling. "Shorter," he laughed. "None of those things match!"
Shorter faked a pout. "What--? But they sound like perfect dates to me!"
"Yeah, to like a sixteen-year-old maybe!" Ash laughed.
"I still want to go to an upclass diner with you!"
"I'm pretty sure there aren't any and you know it," Ash smiled. "Maybe cook me your best steak and I'll think about it."
"You got yourself a dinner date," Shorter winked, earning him a playful whack on the shoulder, before breaking into a laugh too.
It felt just like they were teenagers again.
"I love you, Ash," Shorter repeated. "I don't think I'll ever stop loving you." He let himself settle in the crook of Ash's neck, leaning forward as he did to pull him into a hug, with enough space for Ash to push him away if he didn't like it.
To his surprise, Ash pulled him in.
"Forgive me," Ash whispered, his hand resting softly on his back - right where the bullet had gone.
Shorter held him tighter. There was so much he wished to say - to retort, to tell him he did exactly what he asked him to, to tell him he wanted death - but he knew, just as much as the past eight years ate him up inside, it destroyed Ash too.
"Always," he replied. "Always."
Ash sniffed.
Just then, a stray bark seemed to jolt the two into realisation of where they were.
"Let's go home?" Shorter smiled, as he slowly pulled back to look at Ash.
Ash returned the smile, softly.
"Yeah." He took Shorter's outstretched hand, as he was pulled to his feet.
As they made towards Shorter's apartment, he suddenly stopped.
"Shorter..?" Ash asked, worriedly.
He noticed he'd placed his hands in his pockets, his face white.
"Hey, you didn't forget your keys, did you?" Ash frowned.
"What? No, no," Shorter laughed nervously, before fumbling in his pockets, only to be met with relief when he felt the familiar clink of the keyring in his back pocket.
"See, I knew it," Ash laughed.
"Geez, sometimes a guy's gotta spice up his life!" Shorter joked.
"Yeah, and getting locked out on a winter night is your idea of spice?"
"Maybe," Shorter forced himself to smile, turning the key into the lock, as they stepped into the warmth of his tiny studio at last. Just as Ash made to pull off his coat, Shorter shuffled anxiously to the wall.
This was it.
Shorter took a deep breath. If this went wrong, he'd probably never see Ash again. Or, he'd cause him irreparable pain.
He wasn't sure if this was worth it. He could wait, he could certainly wait as long as he needed to. But somehow, tonight felt like a dream. The kiss felt like a dream.
What good would it do to ask Ash about it?
"What're you thinking about?"
He nearly jumped at Ash's voice.
Noticing this, Ash flinched, too - and Shorter noticed his expression change.
"No, no, Ash, I was just surprised," he said, quickly. He knew what Ash was thinking, and he cursed himself for even letting him think that way.
"I can sleep on the couch, it's fine," Ash replied in a monotone. I was right, he thought to himself. Even if he said he liked me, who'd want to share a room with a fag and a whore like that?
"No!" Shorter cried, grabbing both of Ash's shoulders. "I'm not -- whatever you're thinking about, it's not that, okay? I'm not grossed out or disgusted about this, I could never, plus I confessed to you," Shorter continued. "I was just... surprised because I was so deep in my thoughts."
"I wanted to kiss you again, and I didn't know how to ask you about it, because it's so sudden, and I'm scared I'm going to ruin our friendship even more than I already have," Shorter said, quietly.
"Oh," Ash replied. Shorter looked like he was about to cry from anxiety. "I don't think you've ruined anything," he offered, after a moment.
Shorter opened his mouth to reply - but any words he could muster were silenced completely by the touch of Ash's lips on his once more.
This time, Ash let his lips linger for longer, before pulling him closer by the back of his neck, and pushing his tongue in. Shorter froze in surprise, but soon, he slowly let himself savour Ash's taste, as they broke the kiss briefly, before leaning in to kiss again.
"You could've just asked," Ash said at last, when they opened their eyes again.
Shorter smiled like a dork, making Ash smile too.
"Okay, then, can I kiss you again?"
Ash leaned up and pressed his lips against his, a chaste one this time.
"Yeah," Ash replied, smiling.
Shorter seemed to look at him like he was something incredible, something precious. It felt nerve-wracking, and Ash looked away.
"What would you like us to be?" Shorter asked.
Of course it'd be Shorter who'd ask that. He always let Ash choose. Where they slept, where they hung out, what type of food they'd eat, even when they were broke as shit. Of course Shorter'd put his wants over his own, again.
But the word 'lover' left a bad taste in the mouth. 'Boyfriends' was too juvenile, and far too pure for someone like him - even if he knew Shorter'd probably get upset if he voiced that bit out. And he didn't even want to think about the other words people used for relationships.
"I don't know," Ash answered, at last.
"Then, can I be yours?" Shorter asked. Ash stared at him incredulously - what was he even saying?
"Shorter, that's not-- you're your own person, don't say something like that."
"I want to, though. To be your partner, anything you want to call it. How about you?"
Ash hesitated for a moment - but looking down, he noticed that Shorter was digging his nails into his skin, so much so his knuckles went white. He was terrified, wasn't he?
If they were both afraid, why couldn't they be afraid together?
Ash reached for his hand, unfurling his fist as he let his fingers slip in between his.
"I want to, too," Ash replied, simply.
"Yeah," Shorter smiled. "Then that's settled then! I'll make you a piping hot steak that'll knock your socks right off, and then we're going to Disneyland! And a parfait buffet at a diner with a whole aquarium next door!"
Ash snorted. "Yeah. Good luck finding one."
"Aw come on! I'll bring you to a real nice place for sure!"
"If you manage to find your upclass diner, then sure," Ash smirked.
"You said it! Our date is on!"
Ash laughed. "Fine," he breathed. "But lay off on the Mickey Mouse hats. They're cringe as shit," he smiled, leaving a quick peck on Shorter's cheek.
To his surprise, the Chinese flushed red.
"Wow, now you're embarrassed?"
"Well I never got a cheek kiss from you before," Shorter began, slowly.
"Not a regular one either, I'm sure," Ash replied neutrally.
"Yeah! So, I'm just now realizing what just happened and I'm kinda really nervous, okay," Shorter said in a small voice.
What was Ash to do but to lean in to kiss his blushing, flustered mess of a mohawked partner? One kiss quickly became two, and before they knew it, they'd kissed so many times, they couldn't stop smiling.
"Hey," Shorter began, as he wrapped his arms around Ash's waist, resting just lightly enough to let Ash know that if he didn't like it, he could very easily push him away. "You don't have to sleep on the couch, okay? I know my bed's small and all but I've got a spare mattress, so I could sleep on that one and--"
He was quickly interrupted by yet another kiss from Ash.
"You're really going to suggest sleeping separately after all this?" Ash's expression was soft. He knew, of course, that Shorter would voice whatever he could offer to accommodate any boundaries - nothing had changed, after all these years.
Shorter coughed slightly. "Well, I mean, I know it'd be too sudden if we just... slept next to each other."
"Like we haven't before."
"Yeah, so you could hog all the blankets in my bedroom!"
Ash laughed. It felt like yesterday when they still hung out in Shorter's old bedroom on the floor above Chang Dai, where he slept just to make sure the restaurant wasn't broken into.
"And I'll do it again," Ash smiled as he kissed his forehead.
Shorter couldn't help but chuckle as he kissed his forehead back. "Then I'll hog them right back."
"You just try," Ash said, smiling as he kissed his lips.
Shorter closed his eyes, returning the kiss.
"You're on," he grinned. And they both laughed.
At least for tonight, they had each other.