Archive of Our Own ^beta

When Chaeyoung is seven, she and Dahyun go to the park, accompanied by their older sisters because according to their mothers they’re still too young to go alone. Dahyun grumbles that, at 9, it’s not like Jeongyeon is that much older than them and Jeongyeon and Nayeon both grumble about having to babysit for the afternoon. But Chaeyoung doesn’t mind. She likes their company and she’s just happy she gets to play.

She and Dahyun run around a bit, racing on the monkey bars and trying to ride down the slide together. Jeongyeon and Nayeon climb to the top platform of the playground structure and sit there, just gossiping and passing back and forth a bag of chips, Nayeon occasionally shouting at their younger siblings to be careful but otherwise not paying them much attention. Chaeyoung’s happy to be outside. She’s always been a happy kid, largely unbothered by the world, so diligently cared for by the people around her that it’s hard for her to ever find something to be upset about. She chases after Dahyun as then sun beats down and feels a sort of bliss. But her happiness makes her careless and she trips on a rock and falls. Hard. Her hands and knees hit first, dragging along the wood chips that line the playground floor. Her momentum is enough that her hands can’t fully stop her, and she hits her chin as well.

It hurts. A lot. And she’s crying before she knows it, tears welling in her eyes. It’s stupid. She’s too old to be crying like this but there’s blood on her palms and her knees and when Dahyun touches her chin her hand comes back red.

“Jeongyeon!” Dahyun yells. She sounds scared.

The next thing Chaeyoung knows, Jeongyeon is kneeling in front of her, gently grabbing her wrists to look at her hands while Nayeon tilts her head back to look at her chin.

“Hey, it’s okay,” Nayeon says. “It’ll be okay. These don’t look too bad. We should get you cleaned up though. Can you walk, Chaeng?”

Chaeyoung wants to say yes, wants to be brave but her knees really hurt and when she tries to bend them to stand up, they hurt even more. She shakes her head.

“Okay, I’ll run back home to get mom,” Nayeon says, already halfway to standing.

“Nah, it’s alright,” Jeongyeon says, helping Chaeyoung up before kneeling down in front of her. “I can carry her back. It’s not far.”

Chaeyoung carefully clambers onto Jeongyeon’s back, doing her best to not get blood on her shirt and holds on tight the whole way home. When they get there, Jeongyeon pats Chaeyoung’s hair as her mom washes out the cuts and wipes away her tears.

“You were really brave, Chaengie,” she says. “And brave girls get ice cream!”

For a long time, Chaeyoung associates Klondike bars with a kind smile and strong arms.

When Chaeyoung turns eleven her best friend’s older sister cuts her hair short. She takes a pair of scissors to her thick locks in the bathroom of her house while Dahyun and Chaeyoung watch wide-eyed and Nayeon eggs her on. After the damage is done, Jeongyeon’s mother drags her (and the rest of them because she doesn’t trust them alone at home anymore) to the hair salon to fix it because none of their best attempts had made her hair look any less like a pompom. Her mother is already mourning the loss of Jeongyeon’s admittedly gorgeous long hair but once the hairdresser is done with her, Jeongyeon looks cool. There’s a boyish charm to her, offset by her very feminine features and Chaeyoung wants to be like her so badly.

A month later her own mom is screaming at her as she drives her to the hairdresser. But when Chaeyoung walks out of the salon, she can’t help but feel a little cooler, more mature. And it has the exact desired effect. Jeongyeon runs her hands through Chaeyoung’s hair about fifteen times in the first half hour that they’re hanging out at her and Dahyun’s house.

“You should have seen our mom,” Nayeon says, cackling. “She was pissed. But it’s worth it. You look very cool, ChaengChaeng.”

“Yeah, the coolest,” Jeongyeon says, running her hands through Chaeyoung’s hair again, and Chaeyoung flushes red.

Chaeyoung turns thirteen and she gets her first baby-sitting job. Yuna is adorable and chatty and a very easy kid. But most importantly, Chaeyoung gets paid $15 an hour for three hours every afternoon to walk her home from school and make sure she does her homework while her parents are at work. It’s an ideal set up because Chaeyoung can do her homework at the same time and she’s usually off early enough to hang out with friends in the evening if she wants to. And every week she ends up with an additional two hundred to burn.

The money mostly goes to clothes because she’s tired of the stuff her mom buys, and she won’t buy her leather jackets or ripped jeans. Chaeyoung casually asks Nayeon and Jeongyeon (but mostly Jeongyeon) to take her shopping after she gets her first paycheck. She walks away with a beanie that matches Jeongyeon’s and a new pair of combat boots that Jeongyeon swears are the awesomest thing she’s ever seen. Chaeyoung bites her lip and looks away.

A week later, Jeongyeon hands her a ripped jean jacket that she’d grown out of saying, “Dahyun’s too much of a prep to wear this. I think you should have it instead.” Chaeyoung nearly passes out. She holds the jacket reverently and then proceeds to wear it for a week straight until Nayeon tells her to cut it out.

When Chaeyoung turns fourteen, she enters high school by Dahyun’s side. It’s a little scary. The kids are taller, certainly taller than her, though her mom keeps insisting she’ll get a growth spurt any day, and they’re very clearly older. That guy over there has a beard! And that girl is kissing - no, making out with - her boyfriend in the hallway.

But Nayeon and Jeongyeon show them to their first class and give them a tour, pointing out their lockers and where the best lunch spots are.

“Wow, look at you two all grown up,” Jeongyeon says. “I can remember when you were both just babies.”

She pretends to wipe a tear from her eye and Chaeyoung and Dahyun both roll their eyes. But Chaeyoung’s eye roll is a little gentler because Jeongyeon’s smile has always made her soft. At age fourteen she’s old enough to recognize a crush, old enough to understand that she likes Jeongyeon a little more than is normal. But she’s still young enough that she’s not scared of it yet. There’s a part of her that’s hopeful, that given a little more time (especially now that she’s in high school!) Jeongyeon will notice her, and they’ll start dating and everything will be wonderful.

Chaeyoung is fourteen and a half when she realizes that the world is never that kind.

Chaeyoung loves her sister, always has, always will. She’s loud and annoying but she always takes care of Chaeyoung, and she always listens to Chaeyoung’s problems, and she knows Chaeyoung better than she knows herself. So Chaeyoung could never hate her and would never want to begrudge her happiness. Still, when Nayeon comes giggling into her room one night, eyes lit up brighter than Chaeyoung has ever seen them and tells her that Jeongyeon kissed her, Chaeyoung has a split second of wishing her sister off the planet.

She feels guilty immediately and overcompensates in her enthusiasm to make up for it, squealing and hugging her tight.

“So, are you dating now?” she asks.

“I think so,” Nayeon says. “I really like her, Chaeng. I can’t believe she likes me back.”

“Of course she likes you back, you’re great!”

It’s true. It’s so true that it makes Chaeyoung’s heart ache. Nayeon is wonderful. She’s beautiful and funny and kind and talented and the best person Chaeyoung knows. It makes sense that Jeongyeon would like her. Chaeyoung feels stupid for ever thinking that she could capture Jeongyeon’s attention. After all, she’s just little Chaeng. She’s always just been a pale imitation of her older sister. Jeongyeon and Nayeon will make a cute couple. She’s sure of it.

She’s just not sure that she can watch it happen.

By the time Chaeyoung turns fifteen her hair is past her chin for the first time in years. Her combat boots sit in her closet untouched and she has a new piercing along her cartilage. Dahyun doesn’t invite her over to their house anymore and instead they hang out in Chaeyoung’s room. Or more often, at the park. Dahyun never asks why Chaeyoung suddenly doesn’t want to come over anymore. She also doesn’t ask why they lock themselves in Chaeyoung’s room when Nayeon has Jeongyeon over.

Dahyun doesn’t ask but she doesn’t have to. It’s clear she’s figured something out. And of course she would. She’s always known Chaeyoung so well. It’s probably for the best that Chaeyoung doesn’t need to explain that she fell head over heels for her older sister’s girlfriend and now can’t stand to be around her.

But then, only a few months later, Nayeon and Jeongyeon break up. Nayeon cries a little but not as much as Chaeyoung would have thought.

“We didn’t break up for bad reasons,” Nayeon says hours later, when Chaeyoung finally builds up the courage to ask what happened. “I think… we’re better off as friends. We got confused with realizing we both like girls and I don’t know, growing up and all that that we thought we liked each other more than we did.”

Chaeyoung nods like she understands, but she doesn’t. The only feelings she’s ever had, she’s entirely sure of. There has been no doubt or confusion in her mind since she realized how she felt. She can’t imagine mistaking it for anything else. She also can’t imagine not falling for Jeongyeon.

“I met someone else,” Nayeon confesses. “And it was completely different. Like sparks.”

For a second Chaeyoung feels a sort of righteous anger on Jeongyeon’s part but it dims as Nayeon continues talking.

“She did too,” Nayeon says. “She felt so guilty, but we talked about it. It’s a little weird right now but I think we’re going to be okay.”

Chaeyoung’s mind goes a little blank. Jeongyeon met someone else. Someone…

The idea of giving Jeongyeon to Nayeon (not that she was ever Chaeyoung’s to give) had been palatable. She loved them both, wanted their happiness. But the idea of Jeongyeon with someone she doesn’t know makes her skin itch. She doesn’t want it. Doesn’t want to know what stranger Jeongyeon is giving her heart to.

She and Nayeon sleep together that night, like they used to when they were kids, clinging to each other under the blankets, both a little sad and scared for different reasons.

When Chaeyoung turns sixteen, Jeongyeon and Nayeon go off to college and Chaeyoung doesn’t see Jeongyeon again for a while.

“I can’t believe you got another tattoo,” Dahyun huffs out as she eats her fifth choco-pie.

“You don’t like it?” Chaeyoung asks, a little concerned, as she shows off the tattoo of the fish on her elbow.

“I like it. It’s pretty, but you’re going to have a full sleeve soon,” she says.

Chaeyoung laughs. Dahyun is so dramatic sometimes. There’s still a good amount of blank space on her arm. And Chaeyoung isn’t aiming for a sleeve. She just thinks of something she likes and gets it. It’s that simple. Maybe one day.

“Do you regret any of them?” Dahyun asks, curiously, as she admires the new tattoo closely, running her fingers gently over the slightly red skin.

“No, not really,” Chaeyoung shrugs. “I think it helps that mostly they don’t have any meaning. Except for these,” she gestures to the stars on her wrist, four in a line to represent her family. Dahyun already knows what they mean. “I just get them because I think they’re pretty. I think if you attach meaning then maybe circumstances can change and your feelings can change and then maybe I’d regret them. But since I’m just going for aesthetics… I still think they all look cool.”

Dahyun grins at her.

“That’s all that matters, I guess. And they do look cool. I think you’re super cool.”

“Of course you do. I’m the best,” Chaeyoung says, and it gets Dahyun to roll her eyes. 

“I thought you weren’t getting any more any time soon though,” Dahyun said. “You said they were expensive, and you wanted to save up.”

“Oh, yeah, this one’s a graduation gift from Nayeon. I mentioned that I had a great tattoo idea but couldn’t afford it until I started my new job and she said that she’d pay for it as congratulations as long as she got to go along when I got it done.”

“Oh, that’s a nice gift,” Dahyun says. “Jeongyeon just got me a hoodie from the school gift shop as if I don’t already have three of those myself.”

“Ha!” Chaeyoung says, face splitting into a grin. “That’s so like her.”

Dahyun rolls her eyes.

“She’s annoying. She’s going to be the worst at the ceremony tomorrow I just know it.”

“Nayeon will be worse for sure,” Chaeyoung says. “She’s so fucking loud.”

Dahyun laughs. “Do you remember their graduation. When Nayeon shouted out Jeongyeon’s name? I think she made my eardrums bleed. Jeongyeon looked like she wanted to kill her.”

“Well, that’s my sister for you. Annoying to the core. Jeongyeon should be used to it by now.”

“I don’t think you ‘get used to’ Nayeon, Chaengie. Anyway, after the ceremony we were going to try to do something as a family. Did your parents talk to you about it?”

“Yeah, a grad party at that karaoke place. They rented out one of the big rooms, right?"

“Yeah,” Dahyun says. “It was Nayeon’s idea. I think she just wants to show off her singing skills.”

Chaeyoung shakes her head.

“She’s been insufferable since Jihyo told her she had a nice voice. Ugh… we’ll just have to show her up with our rapping skills. Nayeon can’t rap for shit.”

“Neither can Jeongyeon. She always tries to be too cool and ends up looking like an idiot. It must be hard for them having cooler younger sisters.”

Dahyun poses in a ridiculous imitation of a gangster, only cementing exactly how uncool she is, but it makes Chaeyoung laugh and she pulls out her phone to capture her expression. She’s been wanted to update Dahyun’s contact photo on her phone for a while anyway.

She’s excited though. As much as she complains about her sister, she’d missed her. Nayeon and Jeongyeon had gotten jobs in Seoul right after their college graduation, leaving their hometown, and by extension, Dahyun and Chaeyoung behind. Nayeon would visit whenever possible, but Chaeyoung had been so used to having her around her whole life that she misses her despite it. It was partially with their older sisters in mind that Dahyun and Chaeyoung had made sure to find job opportunities in Seoul after graduation as well. 

Nayeon had whined about Chaeyoung being a copy-cat but then had helped them find a good deal on an apartment that was close to both their jobs. They just need to make it through the graduation ceremony and then they’d be packing up all their belongings and moving to the big city.

The graduation ceremony is mostly boring and Nayeon and Jeongyeon are predictably embarrassing when it’s her turn to walk but as Chaeyoung takes pictures with all her college friends and her family, she feels a sort of pride. It’s finally over. She did it. She graduated, got a job, and now she’s off to be her own person. She isn’t feeling any of the nervousness that seems to be radiating off Dahyun or that had wracked Nayeon for the first three weeks after her own graduation. She just feels excited.

And her parents clearly feel the same way because her mom won’t stop crying.

“I can’t believe my baby’s all grown up. Graduated college and everything.”

“You know I also graduated,” Nayeon says, dryly behind her. “She’s not your first child to do this.”

“Oh hush, Nayeon,” her mother says, going back to cradling Chaeyoung’s face in her hands. “I’m so proud of you baby.”

Chaeyoung rolls her eyes good-naturedly and then makes a concerted effort to get out of the situation.

“Thanks mom, but I think I’m ready for some karaoke. Let’s go! Dahyun’s gonna beat me there and she’s going to only cue up stupid songs.”

Chaeyoung is right. Dahyun does, in fact, beat her there and the first three tracks she plays are barely singable.

“You have shit taste!” Jeongyeon says, trying to fight Dahyun for control of the song queue.

“It’s my graduation,” Dahyun replies. “I get to pick.”

“Chaeyoung!” Jeongyeon shouts. “Get your best friend under control. It’s your graduation too and I trust your music taste way more that this idiot’s!”

Chaeyoung chuckles and goes to pull them apart so she can queue up a few songs. She doesn’t pick the songs she likes the most, opting instead for a few fan favorites in the hopes of maintaining some peace. Who could ever complain about IU? Nayeon will certainly be happy to get to show off her belting and Dahyun can do her weird dance moves to anything. Chaeyoung goes to sit on the couch to watch the chaos ensue.

Not long after, once Nayeon has successfully wrestled the microphone from her grip, Jeongyeon plops down next to her.

It’s been a couple of years since Chaeyoung has been this close to Jeongyeon. They’d passed each other by a few times when Nayeon was home for the summer, at their graduation, or at Dahyun or Nayeon’s birthday parties. But Chaeyoung had made an effort to distance herself in high school and ever since the distance had remained.

Jeongyeon looks good. She doesn’t have the same bad girl look she sported back when they were kids. Now, the leather jackets traded for snazzy blazers and the ripped jeans for slacks with rolled cuffs. She still looks cool, but in a more mature way. Her hair has grown a little, now chopped around her chin and it softens her face wonderfully. She’s admittedly gotten more attractive, but Chaeyoung is happy to note that that’s where her interest stops. There’s no fluttering in her stomach, no racing her heart, no more insistent pull to be close to her. Now Chaeyoung looks at her and can just think of her as someone she had a crush on in high school.

Chaeyoung has grown in the last six years. She’s experienced new things. Met people in college, girls who fascinated her, who caught her interest and held it. She dated, both seriously and not. Got her heart broken, and also broke a heart once (she didn’t mean to, but sometimes best intentions only go so far). Comparing to these memories, her high school crush on Jeongyeon was just that, a crush and nothing more. It’s a relief actually that she can sit next to her now and not feel her heart breaking.

“How have you been, Chaeng?” Jeongyeon asks over the music.

“Good!” Chaeyoung replies. “Glad school is over.”

“I bet. Welcome to the real world. Excited for your job?”

“Yup! I start next week! Graphic design is my passion,” she says with a crooked smile.

Jeongyeon predictably recognizes the meme and laughs along.

“What about that girl you were dating? Dahyun mentioned something about her.”

Chaeyoung shrugs.

“She’s moving back to Japan now that she graduated so we decided to call it quits. It’s okay. It wasn’t that serious.”

Jeongyeon nods.

“Well, there’s plenty of pretty girls in Seoul. I’m sure you’ll have no problem finding someone.”

“What about you? Are you dating right now?”

Jeongyeon shakes her head.

“Nope! Single as a Pringle. I kinda needed a break after Bona. She was… a piece of work.”

Chaeyoung can’t hold back a laugh at the understatement. She remembers some of the stuff Nayeon had told her about Jeongyeon’s now ex-girlfriend. Nayeon never much liked anyone Jeongyeon dated always claiming she had terrible taste in women, but Bona had taken the cake.

“I guess Nayeon told you some stuff,” Jeongyeon says sheepishly, clearly reading into the cause Chaeyoung’s mirth. “She always hated Bona.”

“Sounds like she had reason to,” Chaeyoung replies.

“Ugh, I know, okay? Bona was… something else. I don’t know why I always end up going out with these crazy girls. Is my type super fucked up? Or do I attract crazy people?”

Chaeyoung shrugs.

“No clue dude, but you should figure that out soon. Or you’re gonna end up a crazy cat lady.”

“Whatever,” Jeongyeon mumbles.

“Oh, don’t pout,” Chaeyoung says, shoving Jeongyeon’s shoulder. “You know I didn’t mean it. You’ll be fine. You just have to make better choices. Go for mentally stable people for once.”

Jeongyeon rolls her eyes but grins. 

“Damn, I missed talking to you,” Jeongyeon says with a shake of her head, her eyes happy and shining. “It’s been so long. We used to spend so much time together before, the four of us. Remember? And then high school started for you guys, and I guess you stopped coming around.”

Chaeyoung just shrugs, unsure of what to say or why the hell Jeongyeon is getting so sentimental now. Must be the champagne, or just the graduation vibes.

“I missed hanging out with you back then,” Jeongyeon continues. “You were the only one that had the same taste in music as me.”

Chaeyoung refrains from telling her that her own taste in music at the time had been shaped around what Jeongyeon liked. Her whole personality from her haircut to the clothes she wore and the movies she liked had been subconsciously and consciously designed to get Jeongyeon’s attention. She had only ever wanted to impress her.

“Whatever you were busy with must have been pretty important to distract you from how much fun I am to hang out with.”

Jeongyeon lets out an obnoxiously vain laugh that has Chaeyoung rolling her eyes and shoving her. It really is easy now. They feel like friends, properly. Jeongyeon making annoying jokes, Chaeyoung wanting to punch her. It feels almost like hanging out with her sister. It makes Chaeyoung feel like maybe it’s okay to be a little honest.

“I had a crush on you back then,” Chaeyoung says lightly. Jeongyeon falls silent and her eyes go wide but Chaeyoung figures that’s a normal response for a confession like that. “That’s why I didn’t want to hang out that much. I knew that you didn’t see me that way and I always felt weird. Especially once you and Nayeon started dating. I… well, I honestly didn’t think you’d notice or care if I didn’t come around as much. I was always just Dahyun’s best friend to you.”

Jeongyeon is silent for a disturbing amount of time.

“I didn’t know you felt that way,” she says eventually, cautiously. “But you’re right. I never… I never thought of you that way. I’m sorry.”

Chaeyoung shrugs and then turns to Jeongyeon with a wide grin.

“It’s okay,” she says. “You don’t owe me anything. And I think everyone needs a high school crush that doesn’t go anywhere. It’s a formative experience. Builds character.”

Jeongyeon laughs a little, but she still looks a little shaky, awkward.

“Hey,” Chaeyoung says. “Don’t get weird on me. I didn’t tell you that to make you feel guilty or to make you feel like you owe me anything. It’s all good. It’s in the past.”

Jeongyeon takes a deep breath that she lets out slowly and then nods, allowing a relaxed smile to spread across her features. It seems real this time and Chaeyoung grins back.

“Okay, yeah, sorry,” she says, looking a little sheepish now. “I won’t be weird. I promise.”

“Awesome, cause it’s our turn to sing.”

“Fuck yeah,” Jeongyeon says. “Let’s show Nayeon what we’ve got.”

Jeongyeon slings her arm over Chaeyoung’s shoulder as she sings and it’s comfortably and easy and Chaeyoung feels relaxed. Everything is good.

Jeongyeon is twenty-four when Nayeon’s little sister tells her that she used to have a crush on her. The confession takes the air from her lungs. It’s a terrifying feeling knowing that Nayeon and Dahyun will both kick her ass into oblivion if she breaks Chaeyoung’s heart. Jeongyeon trips over a response. It’s awkward but she doesn’t want to hurt her. But just as she’s about to let guilt consume her, Chaeyoung is grinning at her wide and open and Jeongyeon breathes out a sigh of relief. It’s in the past, that much is clear from Chaeyoung’s words and from the way her eyes sparkle without a trace of lovesickness in them.

In that moment, as Chaeyoung tells her to chill out and that it’s not a big deal, Jeongyeon notices that Chaeyoung seems to have really matured. It strikes her that the younger girl is twenty-two now, no longer the snot-nosed five-year-old that used to follow her around or the awkward, bumbling middle-schooler who couldn’t wait to join them in high school. She’s lost most of the baby fat that used to line her cheeks, her arms are swathed in tattoos, and she’s got a confidence about her that can only come with age. Jeongyeon can’t help but feel a little proud of how she’s grown.

And things don’t get weird. Thank God. Because now that the four of them are all out of college and back in the same city and mostly at similar points in their lives, they start to hang out again. Chaeyoung and Nayeon have always been tied at the hip and that means that Chaeyoung (and Dahyun) start joining their weekly movie nights. And Jeongyeon always loves annoying Dahyun, so she finds herself at her and Chaeyoung’s shared apartment almost as often.

It becomes clearer and clearer to Jeongyeon the more time she spends with her that Chaeyoung is cool. Like actually cool unlike Jeongyeon who just has an aloof veneer that melts away into goofiness the minute she starts talking. Chaeyoung, on the other hand, has a very go-with-the-flow personality, doesn’t get bothered easily, and has impeccable taste in music, movies, and clothes. The tattoos are cool as well and Jeongyeon gets to watch them bloom once Chaeyoung gets her first paychecks.

Bit by bit, Chaeyoung cements herself back into Jeongyeon’s life right along Nayeon and Dahyun as one of her most important people. It feels like when they were young again, the four of them, then grouped by circumstance and now by choice. Jeongyeon likes the comfort of having people who she knows and who know her right back.

But all it takes is a Nayeon birthday party organized by Park Jihyo to change it all. Nayeon had her partying heyday back in college and, though it’s hard to indulge like that as an adult due to responsibilities, once a year Nayeon likes to really let loose. A Nayeon birthday part is loud and sleazy and messy. And now that Chaeyoung and Dahyun have graduated and are in Seoul, they finally get to attend.

It’s a little weird for Jeongyeon to see her usually very conservative sister wearing a tight, backless dress, but she does her best to quell the urge to tell her to cover up. Dahyun is an adult now, and Jeongyeon has worn worse herself if she’s being honest. Still, she does glare at first guy who comes up to try to talk to her until he leaves. Dahyun rolls her eyes.

“Where the hell is my little sister,” Nayeon appears at Jeongyeon’s shoulder like a whirlwind, Jihyo attached to her side. “Is she going to miss by birthday?”

“She had a project due for work today,” Dahyun says. “She only got home just as I was leaving. But she said she would shower and change and come right away so she shouldn’t be too long.”

“Ugh, fine, she better hurry. She promised to do shots with me,” Nayeon says. “You’re looking sexy by the way.”

Dahyun blushes bright red and Jeongyeon and Jihyo smack her arms at the same time. Nayeon pouts.

“What? She does!”

“Imagine if I told you that Chaeyoung looked sexy,” Jeongyeon deadpans and she’s glad to see the way Nayeon grimaces.

“Don’t be weird.”

“You started it.”

“Chaeyoung isn’t sexy though. How can someone who only wears cargo pants and XXL t-shirts be sexy!”

Jeongyeon can’t argue with that, but apparently Dahyun can.

“I always forget you guys didn’t really go to college with her. Chaeyoung can be very sexy when she wants to be. She had a bit of a heartbreaker reputation in college.”

Nayeon scoffs like she doesn’t believe it and Jeongyeon herself is having trouble picturing Chaeyoung in anything particularly tight-fitting or revealing. But Dahyun is proven right not much later.

Jihyo catches sight of Chaeyoung first and she whistles lowly. Jeongyeon turns to see what’s caught her eye and nearly spits out her drink. Sexy doesn’t being to cover how Chaeyoung looks in a black halter top paired with very tight leather pants, every one of her tattoos on display. Her winged eyeliner makes her eyes look dangerous and the lipstick makes her lips pop.

Jeongyeon had been planning on saying that Chaeyoung looked sexy regardless of what she was wearing, just to piss off Nayeon, but now she finds that she can’t. She’s terrified that if she says it, Nayeon will notice that she actually means it. Jihyo says ‘hot damn’ in her place and gets smacked by Nayeon. Dahyun calls Chaeyoung over and Jeongyeon has to force herself not to look down and openly stare at the chiseled abs that Chaeyoung’s cropped shirt has on full display.

“Yo,” Chaeyoung says, giving Dahyun their weird bro handshake that they’d invented in third grade and never grew out of. “Happy birthday, Nay!”

She gives Nayeon a tight hug that turns into malicious tickling until Nayeon is slapping her arm to get her to stop.

“You’re late, asshole,” Nayeon complains.

“Sorry, sorry. But I’m here now and I believe I owe you shots?”

“Fuck yes!” Nayeon shouts. “Let’s party!”

Jeongyeon spends the rest of the night confused and flustered. It’s taking some mental restructuring to get herself to believe that little ChaengChaeng is here in front of her, looking hotter than hell and drinking like a champ. Dahyun is an easier pill to swallow. Her dress, while backless, is still tasteful and she’s still her quiet, reserved self, barely drinking and mostly just dancing with Jeongyeon or Nayeon or Jihyo.

Chaeyoung, on the other hand, is nothing like the person Jeongyeon knows. She drinks, she dances, she flirts. She’s desperately alluring in her confidence. It’s not that weird to be attracted to her, Jeongyeon tries to tell herself. Chaeyoung is pretty, always has been. It runs in the family. It’s normal to notice that. But it’s maybe not normal for her cheeks to flush red and her pulse to pick up when she sees Chaeyoung pressed up against a wall by someone Jeongyeon thinks is named Park Sooyoung. It’s certainly not normal to wonder what it would feel like to be in Sooyoung’s place.

Jeongyeon copes by getting as drunk as she can.

The next morning she rationalizes it. It was the alcohol. It was the low lights. It was the party atmosphere. It was just mimetic desire. It’s nothing to worry about. When she sees Chaeyoung a week later, everything is normal. She’s wearing a t-shirt and jeans and her hair is in the messiest up-do Jeongyeon has ever seen and it’s fine. Everything is fine. Every so often Jeongyeon remembers the party but as time goes on it feels more and more like a fever dream.

It’s a relief really, because there’s certain things that just shouldn’t happen and being attracted to your best friend’s younger sister is one of them. Being attracted to your little sister’s best friend is another. So Jeongyeon is happy that things don’t change. Chaeyoung still has the best taste in music of anyone Jeongyeon knows, and she still makes fun of Jeongyeon relentlessly when she tries to rap, and everything is fine.

Until one day she finds herself at Dahyun’s apartment, waiting impatiently for her younger sister who promised that she’d be ready twenty minutes ago to finish getting ready for brunch.

“I’m sorry,” Dahyun had said, before she disappeared into her room to get changed. “Chaeng and I went clubbing last night and I’m super hungover.”

Jeongyeon sighs but doesn’t bother scolding her like she wants to. What would that change now? It would only make them more late. So she’s sitting in the living room, fidgeting with her phone when she hears Chaeyoung’s door open.

“Hey, Chaengie,” she says, without bothering to look up from her game. “Heard you guys had fun last night.”

Chaeyoung responds with a grunt and moves past Jeongyeon to the kitchen. Jeongyeon is desperately trying not to lose this level, but she hears the sound of a glass of water being filled and then the quiet sounds of Chaeyoung drinking. She beats the level just as Chaeyoung sets the glass down and Jeongyeon finally looks up to properly greet her.

The greeting dies on her lips because Chaeyoung is wearing a t-shirt that doesn’t quite manage to cover the black underwear she has on. She has hickies along her jaw and her hair is tousled in a very telling way. She gives Jeongyeon a half-hearted wave before making her way sluggishly back to her room. The party must have been fun, Jeongyeon concludes, as she struggles to swallow past a dry mouth.

Jeongyeon is almost twenty-five when she realizes that Chaeyoung is undeniably sexy. She doesn’t want it to, but it changes everything.

When Jeongyeon turns twenty-five she deliberately makes sure that her birthday party is not a sleazy affair. No one wears sexy clothes and makes out with random people at bowling so it should be a safe way to interact with Chaeyoung. As safe as it gets because Jeongyeon still feels awkward around her. As much as she doesn’t want it to be, things are different now.

She can’t see Chaeyoung as a little kid anymore. As much as Jeongyeon would like to pretend that she is, would like to go back and see her as this goofy girl who would follow Dahyun around, she can’t. She isn’t one. Chaeyoung is all grow up. She’s got a real job where she earns more than Jeongyeon ever will, has an unfailing sense of independence, and she sometimes seems to know more about how the world works than any of them.

And though she’s still fundamentally the same person, Jeongyeon can’t help but notice everything about her. Her big doe-eyes, her heart-shaped lips. Her personality, sharp and bright and musing. Her attitude towards the world is contagious. She’s an artist, her thoughts poetic and beautiful.

And that’s when Jeongyeon knows that it’s getting dangerous.

She should take some time, some distance. Maybe try to meet someone else, but Jeongyeon has always been the grin and bear it type. And she’s afraid of the potential fall-out in their friend group if she does. She doesn’t want to risk changing things with Nayeon or Dahyun just because of some feelings. Plus, she’s always enjoyed Chaeyoung’s company too much to avoid her. It’s just a crush anyway. She’ll get over it.

When Jeongyeon is twenty-six, Chaeyoung is twenty-four and she meets a literal model. Chou Tzuyu is perfect. Tall, gorgeous, smart, kind. She treats Chaeyoung well and she makes her smile. Chaeyoung seems absolutely smitten with her. There is no reason Jeongyeon should be upset about this relationship. Even Nayeon, who has always been incredibly protective of her younger sister’s dating life, likes Tzuyu. So why does Jeongyeon want to punch her every time they all hang out?

There’s no reason. There shouldn’t be a reason. If there is one, Jeongyeon doesn’t want to acknowledge it. But then that wouldn’t explain why she’s out here on the balcony sulking as she looks over the skyline because she’d rather be out here, cold and alone, than inside watching Tzuyu press an innocent kiss to Chaeyoung’s forehead. She’s seen Chaeyoung in more compromising positions over the last couple years. Why is this of all things throwing her for a loop?

“Why are you out here, you idiot?” Nayeon asks, poking her head out from the balcony door. “It’s fucking freezing.”

She’s supposed to tell Nayeon everything. They’re best friends after all. But how do you tell your best friend that somehow, against all odds, you’ve developed a crush on her little sister. Would Nayeon hate her? Maybe. Hopefully not, but Jeongyeon doesn’t want to take her chances.

Jeongyeon just shrugs. Nayeon sighs and moves to sit next to her, plucking the beer out of Jeongyeon’s hand to take a long drink.

“You’ve been weird recently,” Nayeon says. “Not just recently. For a while actually. You’re keeping something from me.”

She doesn’t say it accusingly. They’re always on the same wavelength so Nayeon knows that she would never hide things from her maliciously. She must know that whatever is bothering her is something serious.

“You know that you can tell me anything, right? I’ll always love you, and you’ll always be my best friend.”

“Yeah, I know,” Jeongyeon says, and she does, but still. “Stop being mushy, weirdo. It doesn’t suit you.

Nayeon doesn’t respond to the jab like she normally would. She just regards Jeongyeon silently and then leans to rest her head against her shoulder.

“If there’s anything I can do to help, even without you telling me, let me know. I hate seeing you this sad.”

Is she sad? Maybe. It’s hard to tell. Or rather… just hard to understand. She isn’t sure how she got to this place, this moment where she’s sulking over Chaeyoung. It’s as confusing as it is upsetting.

She desperately wants to talk to Nayeon about it. And if it were anyone else, she would have spilled her guts ages ago, would have begged Nayeon to give her advice on how to get over this crush that just doesn’t seem to want to fade. But she can’t look Nayeon in the eye and tell her that she’s been thinking about Chaeyoung. It’s a conflict of interest. Jeongyeon curses her heart for always finding the most complicated person to fall for. Because she is falling, right? You don’t get this heartbroken over a simple crush. Life’s a bitch.

When Jeongyeon is twenty-seven…

“What do you mean they broke up?” Jeongyeon asks.

Nayeon shrugs.

“I don’t know. It was weird. Chaeyoung didn’t even cry. All she said was ‘Tzuyu was a wonderful adventure and I’ll treasure her forever, but it had to come to an end.’ Whatever the hell that means.”

“Your sister is fucking weird,” Jeongyeon says. “Must run in the family.”

Nayeon flicks her on the forehead and glares.

“You’re one to talk about family. Would you like me to pull up Dahyun’s fifth grade talent show video again?”

Jeongyeon rolls her eyes. The infamous eagle dance isn’t as much as a threat as it would have been a couple of years ago. The embarrassment of the nonsense they all did as kids is starting to fade and be replaced with fond nostalgia as time goes on. Distance gives them perspective. They were just having fun, no responsibilities, no worries. It’s almost soothing to look back on it.

“Still, I’m kind of bummed,” Nayeon says, after a few more sips of her coffee. “I kind of hoped Tzu would stick around. She was good for Chaeyoung. Stable, you know? I have a bad feeling that now that they’ve broken up Chaeyoung is going to start going on all those weird dates again. Do you remember Somi? That girl was weird. And that one girl who refused to let us call her anything other than her rapper name? What was it again?”

“Lil Cherry,” Jeongyeon says, gruffly.

“Right! God, she was also weird. Chaeyoung really knows how to pick them. Tzuyu was the only normal one. I’m gonna miss the kid.”

Jeongyeon can’t say she really feels the same. She’d liked Tzuyu well enough. There was admittedly something magnetic and wonderful about her, but that was Jeongyeon’s least favorite thing about her. She could tell exactly why Chaeyoung liked her. When Jeongyeon had been at the peak of her emotional mess, she had wanted desperately for Tzuyu to be an asshole deep down, just so that she could find something to hate about her. But she'd never been able to and as time had gone on Jeongyeon had gotten better at managing her mess of emotions. She doesn't let herself drown in them any more.

Still, her stupid little heart can’t help but feel a little spark of hope about the break-up. As if Chaeyoung would just suddenly start dating her now that she was single. She liked you once, she could like you again, the angel on her shoulder says, or maybe it’s the devil speaking. She can’t tell these days. She sighs into her coffee.

“How about you?” Nayeon asks.

“What about me?”

“Have you been on any dates recently?”

Jeongyeon shakes her head. She’s not interested, knows her heart wouldn’t be fully in it. Going on dates is already exhausting. To do it without being fully committed to the idea would be torture.

“Why not? You know we’re not getting younger,” Nayeon says.

“You say that and yet you still haven’t proposed to Jihyo,” Jeongyeon says, seamlessly re-directing so that Nayeon will stop probing. “You’ve been together for what? Ten years now? Eleven? Where’s the girl’s ring?”

Nayeon blushes up to her ears and rolls her eyes.

“I’m getting to it. I already have a ring. She said that she wanted to wait until she finished her PhD and she’s supposed to graduate in the spring, so I’ll propose then. It’s not a big deal. I’ll love her the same regardless.”

Mushy. Nayeon has always been mushy when it came to Jihyo ever since they met their junior year of high school. Jeongyeon hates mushy these days. She sometimes resents that Nayeon was able to meet the love of her life so early and manage to make it work and keep it working for so long. Jeongyeon wishes that she’d been so lucky sometimes. It would be nice to have all that time with someone and still be able to promise so much more.

If she had liked Chaeyoung back then, maybe… Jeongyeon cuts off the thought. A ridiculous thought. But she can’t help but think it more often than she’d like. She wishes Chaeyoung had never confessed. The idea that once upon a time, this girl had returned her feelings and Jeongyeon had just seen her as Dahyun’s best friend makes her feel like she’s being mocked by the universe. Chaeyoung has firmly moved on, and now Jeongyeon’s the one caught up. It’s excruciating.

“Don’t think I didn’t notice you redirecting there, by the way,” Nayeon says. “I feel like you haven’t gone on a proper date in years.”

Jeongyeon shrugs.

“Haven’t wanted to, I guess,” she says, trying to make her voice sound casual.

Nayeon regards her carefully and then sighs.

“Are you never going to tell me?” she asks, her tone a little sad.

“Tell you what?”

“Whatever the hell is going on with you!” Nayeon says. “That thing that you’ve been keeping from me for what? Two years now? I have my guesses, but I don’t have the whole picture and I’ve been patient. Really, I have. Two years is a long time to know that someone you care about is going through something and not be able to do anything. And I just… I wonder when you stopped trusting me.”

Jeongyeon bites in the inside of her cheek. She feels guilt well up in her chest. Nayeon used to ask her, every once in a while, what was going on. Jeongyeon hadn’t been able to, but it had been a while since she’d asked and Jeongyeon had thought that she’d managed to convince Nayeon that she was doing alright again. Turns out she was wrong.

“It’s not that big a deal,” Jeongyeon says.

“It clearly is though,” Nayeon replies. “You don’t date anymore and you’re constantly zoning out as if you’re thinking about something, and you never seem as excited about stuff anymore. You’ve been weird with me, and we’ve never been weird. We fucking dated and broke up and even then we weren’t weird. So what the fuck is going on?”

Jeongyeon looks down and doesn’t answer. She hates that she’s hurting someone else with this nonsense. She’ll have to do a better job going forward of pretending to be okay. Maybe she’ll go on a couple of dates to make Nayeon happy.

“I’m sorry,” Jeongyeon says. “I’ll try to be better. I don’t want things to be weird.”

Nayeon sighs and scrutinizes Jeongyeon for long enough that Jeongyeon starts to fidget and feels the need to look away. 

“You’re in love with someone,” Nayeon says. “That’s my guess. It’s the only thing I can think of that would affect your dating life.”

Jeongyeon does her best to not meet Nayeon’s eye for fear of what she would see. It doesn’t matter. Nayeon keeps talking anyway.

“What I don’t get is why you won’t tell me about it. You used to tell me the minute you had even the tiniest, stupidest crush on anyone. But for some reason this person is different. Is it cause you think I wouldn’t approve?”

“It’s not that-“ Jeongyeon tries saying, but Nayeon just continues speaking.

“But I’ve never liked any of the people that you’ve dated and that never stopped you. So it’s not that simple. There’s gotta another reason. Is it someone we both know? Oh my god.”

Nayeon falls silent and looks at Jeongyeon with wide, fearful eyes. Jeongyeon wonders what sort of conclusion Nayeon just came to on her own. It couldn’t be the correct one, right? There’s no way Nayeon realized that-

“Is it Jihyo?” Nayeon asks, her voice quiet and fearful.

“What the fuck?” Jeongyeon says, the guess taking her so off guard she nearly falls out of her chair. “Have you lost your mind? Of course not.”

“You can tell me if it is,” Nayeon says, though she sounds unsure. “I won’t hold it against you. Jihyo is really great. I mean, I obviously can’t let you have her but we can work through this together and-“

“Oh my god, shut the fuck up,” Jeongyeon says, exhaling sharply. “It’s not Jihyo. Jesus Christ. She’s not my type.”

“She’s everyone’s type,” Nayeon says. “But okay.”

She seems to have accepted Jeongyeon’s answer but she still watches her closely, eyes narrowed.

“Who is it then? I mean, you essentially just confirmed that it is someone even if it’s not Jihyo.”

Jeongyeon curses herself. She wonders if Nayeon planned this. She’s certainly devious enough to be able to trick Jeongyeon into accidentally revealing her cards. God, she wishes her best friend cared about her just a little bit less. Just enough to not want to press this issue so much. Nayeon makes it sound so easy. Just tell her, right? But Chaeyoung is the most important person in Nayeon’s life, has been since the day she was born. Jeongyeon may be her best friend, but Chaeyoung has always been her other half. As much as Jeongyeon wants to believe that nothing would change if she told her, she’s scared.

“Hey,” Nayeon says, her voice softening. “You’re shaking. What could possibly be that scary to tell me?”

Jeongyeon feels herself tearing up.

“Is it me?” Nayeon asks, her tone light. “Did you finally realize ten years later that I’m actually a catch and you shouldn’t have let Jihyo snatch me up?”

She’s joking, trying to lighten the mood and it works a little. Jeongyeon lets out a choked laugh.

“Please, Jeongie,” Nayeon says. “Whatever you’re scared of, there’s no reason to be. I’m on your side, always. Even if it is Jihyo. Or me. We’ll figure it out. I promise.”

It’s reassuring. Jeongyeon wants to believe it. She wants desperately to take the hand that Nayeon is offering her. It couldn’t possibly be that bad right? If Nayeon would be okay if it was Jihyo then… Chaeyoung should be a piece of cake. Jeongyeon just hopes Nayeon means it when she says she won't be mad.

“It’s Chaeyoung,” she whispers, just loud enough that she knows Nayeon will catch it.

She can’t meet Nayeon’s eye.

“Chaeyoung as in… Chaeyoungie?” she asks, confusion coloring her tone.

Jeongyeon’s stress-addled mind goes straight into panic mode. Nayeon doesn’t sound mad. Yet. But she doesn’t sound exactly happy either.

“That’s what you were so scared to tell me all this time?” Nayeon sounds more confused with every word she says. “Did you think I’d be mad?”

Jeongyeon shrugs.

“I-I guess,” Jeongyeon says.

Nayeon seems actually surprised by the confession. She blinks a few times opening and closing her mouth.

“I thought maybe,” Jeongyeon continues, trying to explain herself. “I thought you’d see me differently. Chaeyoung is your little sister.”

Nayeon frowns and Jeongyeon’s heart leaps into her throat. But then she’s rolling her eyes and shaking her head in exasperation.

“You are actually the dumbest person I know,” Nayeon says. “I know I say that all the time, but I actually mean it right now. What the hell are you talking about? Why would I- You know what? Never mind. I don’t hate you. I’m not mad at you. I mean, I’m a little mad that you kept this from me for so long, but I guess I understand your reasons even if they are stupid. You can unclench now.”

Jeongyeon takes the advice and lets out a slow breath. Nayeon looks at her with a very familiar mix of amusement, exasperation, and fondness, and that reassures Jeongyeon more than anything.

“So… Chaeyoungie,” Nayeon says, once Jeongyeon has finally calmed herself down. “Since when?”

Jeongyeon blushes. It’s hard not to. Nayeon is staring at her so intently and this is the first time Jeongyeon has acknowledged these feelings out loud.

“A while, I guess. I don’t know when exactly but after she moved back to Seoul, and we started hanging out again I realized that she’s… really great.”

“Oh my god,” Nayeon groans, leaning back in her seat and grimacing. “You have it bad. I haven’t seen you like this since you dated Bona. Actually, this is weird. I can’t… Chaeyoungie? Really?”

Jeongyeon fidgets nervously with her fingers and nods.

“I don’t know what you see in her but okay… That explains a lot actually. You were always weirdest when we were all hanging out and you got really extra sad and mopey when she and Tzuyu started dating.”

Nayeon leans back in her chair thoughtfully and takes a couple more sips of her coffee. Jeongyeon knows her thinking face well enough that she knows to wait for whatever Nayeon is going to say.

“Are you going to ask her out?

The question makes Jeongyeon feels like the rug has been pulled out from under her. 

“Huh?” What?

“She and Tzuyu broke up so she’s single again. You could ask her out,” Nayeon says, though she sounds a little conflicted about the statement.

“What? No!”

“Why not? I’ll admit this will take some getting used to for me but if it came down to it, I’d rather she date you than any of those weirdos she’s inevitably going to end up meeting on the apps.”

“How- What the hell are you talking about Nayeon? Chaeyoung doesn’t like me like that. Do you realize what would happen if I asked her out? She’ll turn me down and Chaeyoung’s nice, but she’d feel awkward and try to give me space. That means no more movie nights and casual hangouts. You would have to take sides and Dahyun would probably be pissed at me too. She’s not just some random girl on the street where if it goes wrong, we can just go our separate ways.”

“Okay, okay,” Nayeon says, holding her hands up to placate her best friend. “You’ve clearly gone through all the worst-case scenarios already. But you’ve been sad for two years. You can’t keep going on like this. Sooner or later you’re going to have to do something. Wouldn’t you rather do it now, before she ends up in another relationship? If you wait, it might be too late.”

Jeongyeon shakes her head and Nayeon reaches out to cup her cheeks and hold her head still.

“And don’t worry about me and Dahyun, okay? We love you. Both of you. Too much for you being honest about your feelings to cause a problem, okay? Chaeyoung isn’t the type to hold it against you either, y’know?”

Jeongyeon does know that, but it doesn’t make it any less terrifying.

“I can’t, Nay,” Jeongyeon says. “I just need to move on. You were right before. Maybe I just need to go on some dates. I’ll be okay.”

Nayeon looks at her with concern, but she doesn’t say anything and just pulls Jeongyeon into a tight hug instead. Jeongyeon sinks into it, into her best friend of twenty-seven years, into the relief of finally getting this weight off her chest. It feels good to have Nayeon know, to have it out in the open.

“You know, I’m not mad at you,” Nayeon mumbles into Jeongyeon's shoulder. “And I don’t think of you differently at all, but… it’s really weird that you like Chaeyoung. Like… she’s weird. I love her more than anything but your taste in women continues to confuse me.”

It gets both better and worse. Jeongyeon goes on a few dates, people that Nayeon sets her up with. Nayeon has always had great taste in women (though she’d only technically dated two and Jeongyeon barely counts in that tally) and the women that she sets Jeongyeon up with are impeccable. Only one lasts for more than one date.

Momo is someone’s dream girl, Jeongyeon is positive of that. She’s certainly pretty enough, talented enough, kind enough. If ever put on the spot, Jeongyeon would be hard-pressed to find a single bad thing about her. She’s a good kisser, a good cuddler, and she seems to be starting to care about Jeongyeon. But none of it gives her butterflies.

No touch from Momo even begins to compare to the feeling of the comforting hug she gives Chaeyoung when they first meet up after her breakup with Tzuyu. No conversation with Momo holds Jeongyeon’s attention as much as Chaeyoung simply talking about her day. And Momo may have a perfect body by anybody’s standards, but she can’t imitate the casual alluring confidence that Chaeyoung always exudes. It’s a little pathetic Jeongyeon thinks, the way her whole being is attuned to this girl, who only a few weeks ago was still dating someone else.

“You can tell me if you don’t want to talk about it,” Jeongyeon asks one day after enough time has passed. “But why did you and Tzuyu break up?”

Jeongyeon doesn’t want to know anything more about Tzuyu, but the ease with which the over a year long relationship had ended intrigues her. Chaeyoung doesn’t seem bothered by the question, just tipping her head back and exhaling deeply. Jeongyeon traces the line of her jaw down to her neck subconsciously before realizing what she’s doing and snapping her eyes back up to Chaeyoung’s face as she looks back at her.

“It was mutual,” she says. “I don’t know. It’s weird. She was perfect, I think. Really, really perfect, but I couldn’t fall in love with her. Thank god, she felt the same because I’ve had to breakup with someone before when it became one-sided and it was hard. But yeah. It’s just a reminder that the heart knows what it wants, even if our brains aren’t on the same page. You know what I mean?”

Jeongyeon offers up a nod, but she can tell that Chaeyoung is in a philosophical mood, so she lets her keep going.

“Like, my brain kept yelling at me, ‘she’s perfect for you, she’s beautiful, smart, she can keep up with your poetic bullshit’ but it didn’t mean anything. At the end of the day, I liked kissing her, and being with her made me happy, but it wasn’t love. It was just… I don’t know. Extra friendship? I kind of wish we hadn’t dated. In another universe I think we’re best friends. But now… I don’t know maybe eventually we’ll be friends again but there’s too much water under that bridge at the moment.”

“I… yeah, I get it,” is all Jeongyeon can say.

It’s not much of a response. Normally, if the topic weren’t so central to the issues that Jeongyeon was having herself, she would have continued the conversation, added her own two cents, argued if she disagreed. But she’s terrified that if she says anything Chaeyoung, who is really too smart for anyone’s good, will hear what Jeongyeon is thinking underneath.

“Have you ever been in love?” Chaeyoung asks suddenly.

Jeongyeon nearly chokes. It’s… it should be an easy question to answer. Right? Has she ever been in love? Maybe. When she’d dated Mina in high school, the first girl to really make her feel like she was floating, it had felt like love. But that was a long time ago and their breakup, precipitated by Jeongyeon’s departure to college had been sad but not devastating. Jeongyeon has dated since then, a number of people, all of whom ranged from bad to worse if she’s being honest. It was never love with them, she’s sure of that now, though in the moment the passion and whirlwind had always felt like it. And then there hadn’t been anyone for a while, not since Chaeyoung had returned into her life, uprooting her whole heart. 

Is she in love with Chaeyoung? It feels ridiculous to even consider having such deep feelings for someone she hasn’t even held hands with. But as she looks into Chaeyoung’s sparkling eyes and feels the way her whole body wants to lean in just to be a little bit closer, she can’t help but think… nothing has felt like this before. It probably is love. And that’s terrifying. So she lies.

“No.” And then after steeling her nerves, “Have you?”

“Yes.”

Jeongyeon bites the inside of her cheek.

“I dated this girl in college. She… she and I were very similar. She was a musician, wanted to be a producer and I could talk to her for hours about her music and my art and there was something so… I don’t know how to explain it. We just fit.”

“What happened?” Jeongyeon asks.

“She cheated on me,” Chaeyoung says, cringing at the memory.

Jeongyeon has a sudden vehement hatred for this woman that she’s never met before.

“I think… we were both young, but I think she didn’t really know what she wanted. And she met someone else that made her feel the way I did, I guess and she- I don’t know. She apologized when I found out. Begged and cried and said that she just got so confused. At the time, I didn’t get it, but now… I don’t forgive her really, but I do get it. Feelings can be confusing. They can be really hard to sort out sometimes and cheating isn’t the solution, but I understand being confused.”

“But you loved her?"

“Oh yeah, even after she cheated, I loved her for a while. She hurt me but I still… It’s what I was saying before. Your brain can tell you one thing, but the heart is going to want what it wants.”

Jeongyeon shifts on the couch to lean against the arm and pull her feet up so she can half block her face from Chaeyoung’s view with her knees.

“How do you get over that?” Jeongyeon asks. “How to you get your heart to stop wanting someone?”

“Space and time. I don’t know of any other way to be honest. Why? Is there someone that you’re trying to get over? Is it that Momo girl? Dahyun told me about her, showed me her Instagram too. I can understand being heartbroken over abs like those.”

Jeongyeon lets out a snort because she knows that’s what Chaeyoung expects from her, but she doesn't really feel like laughing. Chaeyoung’s words sting far more than she’ll ever know. She wonders if she ever hurt Chaeyoung in the same way back when they were in high school. If she said things carelessly without knowing any better that left her with an ache in her chest and a pricking feeling in her eyes. Maybe this is just retribution for everything. 

“No, nothing like that,” she says. “I was just curious.”

Chaeyoung shifts a little to nudge Jeongyeon’s knees out of the way to look her in the eyes.

“You know you can tell me anything, right?” she says. “I won’t judge.”

They really are similar, Jeongyeon thinks. Two sisters, big hearts and kind eyes.

“I know, Chaengie,” she says. “Thank you.”

Now that she's single, Chaeyoung does start going on the dates like Nayeon predicted. Jeongyeon never asks about them, but she hears things about them from Dahyun and Nayeon. A particularly creepy tinder match leads to Dahyun showing Jeongyeon photo after photo of screen-shotted text chains that have her rolling her eyes and gagging.

“I want to lick your abs?? That’s what she led with? I can’t believe Chaeyoung even answered her much less is actually going on a date with her. I mean the rest of these messages aren’t better. There’s like four ‘that’s what she said’ jokes in here. Is she actually a 24-year-old girl or is she actually a seventeen year old boy in disguise. Disgusting.”

Jeongyeon holds her tongue and does her best to ignore the way her mind immediately thinks ‘I’d be so much better’.

Nayeon doesn’t give her details about the dates, but she does mention them, always with a prodding tone as if to say, ‘this could be the one she falls in love with, better hurry up’. But the dates never stick and Jeongyeon is too much of a coward.

She’s also too much of a coward to take Chaeyoung’s own advice for distance. There’s too much that could go wrong, too many people that she could hurt. It’s not worth it in her mind to do anything that could disrupt the current peace that they have. Nayeon is happy with their weekly movie nights, Dahyun is happy to have her sister around, and Chaeyoung likes talking to her about stuff she can’t talk to Nayeon and Dahyun about. Why should she sacrifice their happiness for her own?

She does try though, goes on a few more dates with Momo though she knows it won’t go anywhere. She’s still fun to spend time with and she’s a welcome distraction from everything else. There are moments when they’re tangled up together where Jeongyeon almost feels like she could be enough, but as soon as she heads home, her mind goes back on full Chaeyoung lock down.

It’s pathetic and depressing. The more Jeongyeon tries not to think about Chaeyoung, the more she does to the point where she’s thinking about her more than she thinks about herself. It’s this realization that has her staring at the bottom of multiple bottles one Friday night.

Momo, her usual distraction, had a work event she had to attend, so Jeongyeon had gone to the second-best way to forget things for a few hours: alcohol. It’s only when some guy comes up to her and tries, a little too firmly, to get her to dance, that she realizes that a) she’s had far more to drink than she thought and b) she should really not be drinking alone in a sleazy bar like this at this time of night. It’s a simple desire for self-preservation that has her pulling out her phone and calling the one person who would drop everything to drive her home from a bar at midnight.

But it’s not Nayeon who answers.

“Yo!”

Jeongyeon nearly hangs up in a panic and ends up fumbling and dropping her phone. When she picks it up, she presses it to her ear with shaking hands.

“Jeongyeon?”

Chaeyoung calling her name does something to her. It always does, but drunk and with her inhibitions lowered it makes her whole face feel hot.

“Jeong? Are you there?”

Jeongyeon’s head is swimming and she’s dizzy and is starting to feel nauseous. She doesn’t really want to answer. She knows that she’s drunk and that she tends to get honest when she’s drunk and there’s a really, really big secret that she’s been keeping that she really should not say out loud. Especially not to Chaeyoung. But she can’t actually hang up on Chaeyoung. That would be rude. So she answers.

“Yeah. Hi, Chaeyoung.”

“Hey, Nayeon’s in the bathroom right now. She’ll be out soon, unless she’s taking a shit then it might be a while. What’s up?”

“I- I was just… nothing. It’s nothing. I’ll let you go.”

“What? Hey, you good? You sound… drunk.”

“I am drunk,” Jeongyeon slurs. “I… I need to go home.”

“Is that why you called Nayeon? Where are you? I’ll come get you.”

“NO!” Jeongyeon shouts, way too loud.

The thought of being with Chaeyoung alone right now is scary. What if… what if she says something she means? What if she spills her guts? Would Chaeyoung ever look at her the same? Would their friendship recover? Would it hurt her friendship with Nayeon if it didn’t?

“Huh? Why not?” Chaeyoung sounds a little hurt. “It’s not a big deal. I’ll just borrow Nayeon’s car. She was about to go to bed anyway and then I can use it to drive home instead of taking the subway so it’s a win/win scenario.”

“No, no,” Jeongyeon says, and she thinks she can hear some panic creeping into her own voice. “It’s fine, I can call an Uber. I’ll hang up and call an Uber.”

“Jeong…” Chaeyoung pleads. “Just let me pick you up. I’ll be wherever you are faster than an Uber. Look, Nayeon has your location on her phone so just hang tight, okay? I’ll be there soon.”

“No,” Jeongyeon whimpers, but Chaeyoung either doesn’t hear her or doesn’t care because the next thing Jeongyeon knows is the line has gone dead.

She gets a text ten seconds later from Chaeyoung that just says ‘ETA 10mins’. Jeongyeon buries her head in her hands. She has ten minutes to sober up. She orders a glass of water and closes her tab and then chugs it. It makes her stomach swirl uncomfortably, but it’ll have to do. She stumbles to the bathroom and splashes cold water on her face, and it helps a little, but the room is still spinning and she’s stumbling more than she’s walking.

She makes her way outside slowly, hoping that getting away from the rest of the drunk people will help too, and it does a little. Even in July the nighttime air is cool against her face and her head feels clearer without the overstimulation from the bar. She’s still drunk though. Putting in her phone password takes five tries and she nearly drops it in the process. She puts it away before she does any damage and leans against the wall of the bar.

In what feels like no time, she sees Nayeon’s car pull up to the curb and she stands upright slowly, trying to keep herself from wobbling too much. She’s decided, in her five-minute wait that the best way to keep herself from spilling her guts is to not say anything. Nothing other than a ‘hello’ and a ‘thank you’. Those should be safe.

She gets into the car and does her best to not look at Chaeyoung. If she does, she might remember how pretty she is, and how much she likes her eyes and then she’ll say or do something stupid.

“Hello there, drunky,” Chaeyoung says, the teasing smile she is certainly wearing more than evident in her tone.

Jeongyeon immediately forgets her plans when she hears Chaeyoung’s voice and looks up at her. Chaeyoung hasn’t started driving yet and is just looking at Jeongyeon with an amused expression. She’d clearly come straight from a sister night at Nayeon’s if her baggy sweats and overlarge hoodie are anything to go by. It shouldn’t be attractive, but she is. She’s always so attractive.

“You have pretty eyes,” Jeongyeon says without thinking.

Chaeyoung laughs, bright and wide and it shows off the dimple on her cheek. Jeongyeon wants to reach out and touch it. Has wanted to for a while, has always been fascinated with the deep little pocket that forms whenever Chaeyoung is happiest. The responsible part of her brain is so alcohol soaked that there’s nothing to stop her from doing it.

“I like your dimple,” Jeongyeon says, her finger poking into Chaeyoung’s cheek.

“You’re very complimentary tonight,” Chaeyoung says, pulling Jeongyeon’s hand away from her face but not letting it go, just holding it over the console as she starts to drive.

Jeongyeon feels her fingertips burning against Chaeyoung’s skin and is so torn between pulling away and relishing in the rare feeling of getting to hold hands with her that she just freezes, staring at their interlocked hands. Chaeyoung must notice because she pulls her hand away quickly, mumbling an apology under her breath. Jeongyeon wishes she could explain that Chaeyoung has nothing to be sorry for. And since she’s drunk, that wish immediately becomes action.

“Don’t be sorry,” Jeongyeon says. “I like holding your hand. It’s nice.”

Chaeyoung smiles wide and reaches out and holds Jeongyeon’s hand again, running her thumb gently across the back of her hand. 

“Were you out with Momo again?” Chaeyoung asks.

Jeongyeon shakes her head, and it makes her head spin. The pattern that Chaeyoung is tracing on the back of her hand with her thumb is soothing.

“Oh, work friends then?”

Another shake. A moment of silence where Jeongyeon nearly falls asleep. Chaeyoung’s voice pulls her back from the edge just slightly. 

“Were you drinking alone?”

“Yeah.”

“Why did you get so drunk on your own? That’s not safe or healthy.”

Jeongyeon shrugs. She’s feeling tired, her head hurts and she just wants to lie down. She wants to drown in the gentle feeling of Chaeyoung’s fingers along the back of her hand and just rest. She’s almost halfway in dreamland, eyes drooped. It’s because of that she doesn’t think at all, doesn’t even hear herself say.

“I’m just trying not to be in love with you.”

Chaeyoung is twenty-five when her high school crush tells her that she’s in love with her nearly ten years too late. It’s messy and drunk and clearly not something Jeongyeon ever would have said to her out loud had she not drank her weight in cheap beer. Chaeyoung is left to drive fifteen minutes in absolute silence with her fingers still intertwined with Jeongyeon’s because Chaeyoung is now terrified that if she pulls away it’ll wake her up.

Her mind is mostly blank if she’s being honest, short-circuited by simple shock. She moves on automatic as she helps Jeongyeon out of the car in her half-conscious state and manages to drag her up to her apartment just barely. Jeongyeon is completely unhelpful, making herself dead weight as she drapes across Chaeyoung’s shoulders. Chaeyoung has never seen her this drunk or this sloppy. She thinks back to her words.

I’m just trying not to be in love with you.

How much must it have been bothering her for her to get this drunk? And for how long? She puts it out of her mind when she hears Jeongyeon make a gagging noise and just rushes to get her head over the toilet. Jeongyeon empties her stomach and then groans and goes to lean her head against the toilet, which Chaeyoung immediately stops her from doing. She ends up with Jeongyeon slumped against her shoulder, head tucked into the crease of Chaeyoung’s neck.

Oh, the irony, Chaeyoung thinks. How much she would have loved this moment back in high school. She holds Jeongyeon gently, talking to her soothingly until Jeongyeon seems to have settled a little.

“Alright, get up,” she says. “Let’s get you to bed.”

It’s hard to move her, but with gentle coaxing, she’s able to get her over to her bed. She helps her get her shoes off but doesn’t bother with the rest. It’s not worth the effort. Instead, she makes sure to put an Advil and a tall glass of water on her bedside table. She looks down at Jeongyeon sleeping, eyes shut, cheeks round and soft with her relaxed expression and Chaeyoung feels a pang in her chest. Without thinking about it too much, she reaches out to brush the hair out of Jeongyeon’s eyes and presses a kiss to her forehead.

She doesn’t drive home immediately. Instead, she follows the roads out of the city to where there are fewer and fewer lights and she can see the stars and once the city is firmly behind her, she starts to think. Jeongyeon probably won’t remember this in the morning. Even if she does by chance remember getting picked up, she had clearly said those words as she was falling asleep. Chaeyoung, if she chooses, will be able to go about her days without ever acknowledging it happened. But can she? Should she?

Jeongyeon had sounded pained as she’d spoken, tired, clearly bogged down by these feelings, enough that she’d tried to drown them. Jeongyeon has never been a big drinker in the time that Chaeyoung had known her, only ever drinking socially, and taking on the responsibility of caring for Nayeon who never knew her limits. She’s also not the type to get sloppy, always so impeccably neat and put together regardless of the situation. It’s uncharacteristic and Chaeyoung doesn’t know how to feel about the fact that she might be the cause.

What sort of situation is this even? It’s already confusing to have her first love confess to her years and years later once she’s moved on. Even more so to have that person be Jeongyeon: one of her best friends, someone so intertwined in her life, her family, her friends. She doesn’t want to disrupt that if she can avoid it.

But she remembers what it was like loving Jeongyeon in silence, waiting, hoping for things to change. She remembers running and hiding, ultimately affecting Dahyun and Nayeon and it could have damaged her friendship with Jeongyeon permanently. It had turned out okay, because Jeongyeon was the forgiving type. She had never once held the distance Chaeyoung took in high school against her. Could she do the same if Jeongyeon decides that she needs space? Could she be okay with one day losing someone so important to her? On the other hand could she really stay knowing that Jeongyeon was holding these feelings but pretending to be fine?

She could confront Jeongyeon. Tell her about the confession, tell her that she’s sorry but she doesn’t feel the same. That way, maybe they could both get some closure. It would be awkward probably for a bit, but they could come back from it, she’s sure. And it would be better than both of them carrying around something they don’t want the other to know. But when she imagines it, actually looking Jeongyeon in the eye and telling her that she doesn’t feel that way about her, she’s not sure she could do it.

Chaeyoung pulls over and leans her head against the steering wheel with a groan. It’s approaching three in the morning. She needs to go back home and get some sleep. She’s not sure she can with the way her mind is racing. Jeongyeon’s timing is just… shit.

Chaeyoung has four restless nights before she and Jeongyeon cross paths again. Jeongyeon had texted her the day after simply saying ‘Nayeon told me you picked me up last night. Thanks for getting me home’. It was a normal text and a few hours later she’d texted a link to a new song that she thought Chaeyoung would like. She had liked the song, and the casual sharing of interests was just confirmation that Jeongyeon didn’t remember anything from the night before and felt perfectly comfortable behaving normally around her.

When they do meet again, at movie night, Jeongyeon waltzes in fifteen minutes late with apologies on her lips about a meeting that went long, and Chaeyoung feels like she’s seeing her for the first time in years. She can’t stop thinking about the confession no matter how much she would like to wipe it from her mind. And she can’t help but wonder if… if maybe…

She remembers, vaguely, what it was like to be in love with Jeongyeon back in high school. She had looked up to her so much. Nayeon had always been a role model, but she was loud and disorganized and a little crazy in Chaeyoung’s eyes while Jeongyeon, always neat, always a little cool, had seemed so mature to her then. Chaeyoung had wanted to grow up like her as much as she had wanted to be with her.

Now, her feelings towards Jeongyeon are completely different. They’re both adults now and Chaeyoung doesn’t want to be like Jeongyeon anymore when she’s completely comfortable with herself. And while she still had extreme respect for Jeongyeon, she doesn’t worship her in the same way. She’s seen her flaws. She’s late a lot, has a terrible sense of humor, and wears sweatpants more than anyone Chaeyoung knows. She’s goofier than she is cool, and there are times when she is wholly and completely immature.

Chaeyoung hasn’t had a single romantic thought towards her since they reunited. But she also hadn’t been looking. If Chaeyoung is honest with herself, she had actively been trying not to look. Falling for Jeongyeon the first time had led to a fracture in their friendship, and in the relationships around them. Not something so deep it was irreparable but something unpleasant nonetheless. She hadn’t wanted a repeat of that. And her avoidance had worked. At no point had she been even slightly tempted by Jeongyeon’s presence and things between them had become comfortable.

Chaeyoung isn’t comfortable anymore and now, despite herself, she is looking. She notices the way Jeongyeon’s hair curls a little in its windswept state, the way the loose hairs brush against her cheek and jaw. They look soft. The hair and her cheeks. And she’s still so pretty. That hasn’t changed at all. And the first thing Jeongyeon does after arriving is come over and pat Dahyun’s head in that way that Dahyun always pretends annoys her. But it’s really just her way of checking in with her little sister. And then she’ll go over to Nayeon and ask her about her day, teasing her or comforting her depending on the day that she had. And she’ll had bought Jihyo’s favorite soju on the way home. Because she’s caring and thoughtful and always has been.

“Yo, Chaengie,” she says. “Did you like the album I sent a couple days ago? I’d say it’s Lee Chanhyuk’s best work so far.”

She also knows what Chaeyoung likes, has similar tastes, and she always thinks of Chaeyoung when she hears of something she might enjoy. Chaeyoung hadn’t thought anything of it, but had that been a symptom all this time? Her thinking of Chaeyoung because she liked her?

“Chaeyoung?” Jeongyeon prompts, her head tilting in confusion at Chaeyoung’s lack of response. “You good?”

“Huh? Oh yeah, I liked it. It was really great!”

Jeongyeon grins. She’s happy that she made me happy, Chaeyoung thinks. Fuck. That’s… a lot to deal with. That’s a lot of power to put in her hands. To hold Jeongyeon’s heart… if she breaks it would Dahyun forgive her? Would Nayeon? Would… would Jeongyeon? Would they ever be able to make it back to the easy comfortable friendship that they have right now?

“Will you two quit chattering about your weird music? We have a movie to watch,” Nayeon grumbles, already in a mood because Jeongyeon was late.

“It’s not weird. It’s-“

“I don’t care,” Nayeon cuts off. “Just shut up so I can start the movie.”

Jeongyeon sits down next to Dahyun and kicks her socked feet against Nayeon’s shin in retaliation for being told off, but she does settle down. Chaeyoung, on Dahyun’s other side, finds herself watching Jeongyeon instead of the TV for the first half of the movie. She watches the way Jeongyeon’s face lights up when she laughs, the way she rolls her eyes when the main characters do something she thinks is stupid, the way she leans over to whisper something in Dahyun’s ear that makes her giggle.

She also sees the way Jeongyeon glances at her every so often. Far more often than she does with the others. Chaeyoung thinks that she manages to look away before getting caught most of the time. She hopes so at least. She doesn’t want to get Jeongyeon’s hopes up, doesn’t want to make her suspicious either. Things are comfortable between them now. They need to stay that way.

Of course, they don’t. It’s never easy knowing one of your best friends is in love with you. Especially when that friend keeps going on dates with someone else. Momo has been introduced to the group, a big step in their relationship, an indication that Jeongyeon plans to keep her around at least for the short term. Chaeyoung wonders what the hell it means.

It would be unfair to Momo for Jeongyeon to date her while being in love with someone else. But Jeongyeon has never been the unfair type, always had a moral compass pointed so firmly north that it sometimes became an issue. The world wasn’t black and white the way Jeongyeon sometimes wanted it to be. But this… this definitely feels grey. Does Momo know that she is being used to move on from someone else? Had Jeongyeon told her or… It wasn’t really Chaeyoung’s business, but she has an itching desire to know.

Or had Jeongyeon not meant it that night? Had she lied? That doesn’t really make sense either. Is she finally moving on? It hasn’t been that long since the confession, but Momo does seem pretty great. Maybe she's easy to fall in love with. Maybe Jeongyeon could and would fall in love with her and forget about Chaeyoung. That would be for the best. Momo would be good for her.

It’s only for Momo’s sake that Chaeyoung doesn’t think they should be together. She tries to tell herself that. Tells herself that over and over until she has to finally admit that that’s not it. She doesn’t think they should be together because there’s a part of her that feels like Jeongyeon is hers. Has felt that way since the confession. It’s a wildly, deeply confusing feeling because how selfish is it for Chaeyoung to think that way when she doesn’t want to be Jeongyeon’s. It's all so confusing and when Chaeyoung is confused about how she’s feeling she always goes to the person who knows her best.

“If you start to develop feelings for someone after they confess to you,” Chaeyoung says to Dahyun after walking into her room unannounced and plopping down her bed. “Are those feelings real or are they just because they confessed? Like… is it projecting?”

Dahyun looks down at her book somewhat mournfully as if she’s aware that she won’t be able to go back to it anytime soon and sighs. She puts it aside and shifts so that she’s cross-legged and Chaeyoung can put her head in her lap.

“Did someone confess to you?”

“Yeah. Someone I’ve known for a while but who I didn’t have feelings for. But now I keep noticing things about her that before I didn’t. Does that mean I’m projecting?”

Dahyun runs her fingers through Chaeyoung’s hair gently and hums thoughtfully.

“Maybe,” Dahyun says. “Or maybe you never gave yourself a chance to consider them that way. You know? Like if you met her while you were with Tzuyu or something like that when you were not looking for someone to date. And it stayed that way even after circumstances changed because that’s just what you were used to, but now the confession is making you consider things you hadn’t before. That’s also a possibility.”

“How do I know which it is?” Chaeyoung asks.

“I think,” Dahyun says, speaking slowly, carefully. “I think you definitely owe it to her to figure that out. I think maybe you can tell by looking back on your past. Have you really, really never liked them like that? Have you never once thought… maybe? And now, can you really not imagine dating them? Kissing them? Maybe give it some time to consider and let the feelings settle.”

Chaeyoung exhales in a sigh and does her best to consider Dahyun’s words. She’s right about one thing for sure. Jeongyeon deserves her trying her best to understand. If she goes into this and she’s wrong… it’ll hurt more than just them.

“Who was it?” Dahyun asks.

“Hm?”

“Who confessed?”

“Oh, just… someone,” Chaeyoung says.

Dahyun raises her eyebrows in surprise. It’s rare for Chaeyoung to omit details of her life from her best friend. But not unheard of, so Dahyun doesn’t press and instead just leans down and presses a kiss to Chaeyoung’s forehead.

“It’ll be alright, Chaeyoungie,” she says gently. “You’ll figure it out in the end.”

Chaeyoung, now that she’s paying attention, notices everything about Jeongyeon and she starts to wonder how the hell she was so oblivious to the other girl’s feelings. It’s glaringly obvious the way Jeongyeon always makes up random excuses to meet up with her (Oh, I just found a cute coffee shop I want to try! There’s a new record store downtown, we should check it out!). The way Jeongyeon always comes up to the apartment to greet Chaeyoung when she’s meeting with Dahyun even though her sister always insists they could meet in the lobby so she wouldn’t have to walk up the stairs. The way Jeongyeon always sends her little text messages with songs or art that she saw that she thinks Chaeyoung would like. 

This kind of love feels nice, Chaeyoung has to admit. To be thought of in mundane moments, to be remembered from small things. It’s the kind of love that Chaeyoung has searched for her whole life. She thought she’d found it before, in college, in Tzuyu but… maybe it’s been here all along? Would it be selfish of her to want to take it when she’s still unsure of her own feelings?

“Nayeon,” Chaeyoung asks as Nayeon drives them back to their hometown for their father’s birthday party. “Have you ever been unsure about feelings that you had for someone?”

“Oh, well… I guess kind of. I mean… I’ve only really dated two people. I’ve never doubted my feelings for Jihyo but when Jeongyeon and I were dating I wasn’t sure really. I mean it turns out that I loved her but not like that. Why are you asking?”

“How did you figure out that you loved her but weren’t in love with her? Isn’t it hard to tell the difference sometimes?”

“Yeah, it can be. Love is love. But there is a difference between platonic and romantic love otherwise the world would be a very different place. You’d be dating Dahyun probably. And I’d still be with Jeongyeon. I don’t know. I don’t know how to explain it. I couldn’t really tell until I met Jihyo and I had something to compare to, someone that I really felt like I couldn’t live without. I mean, there are times when I feel like I can’t live without Jeongyeon, you know? She’s my best friend, my backbone. She’s been with me even longer than you have. But I can have her in my life without dating her. I never felt that way about Jihyo. I really felt with her like if I couldn’t date her, even if she was still in my life, then I would be devastated.”

Chaeyoung nods. She remembers feeling that way about Jeongyeon all those years ago. About Rosie in college too. Someone that she felt that she needed to be close to at all costs. Does she feel that way about Jeongyeon now?

“I would think of it this way,” Nayeon says. “Picture your life, not just right now because sometimes we get comfortable in the moment. But picture the future. Do you see them there? Do you want them there? And if they end up with someone else, do you think you could be happy? Picture them marrying someone that isn’t you and standing at their wedding. Could you do that?”

Chaeyoung looks out over the fields as they pass by.

Could she?

(Momo buys Jeongyeon a ring. It’s a nothing ring. It sits on her pinky and doesn’t look particularly expensive, but it glints every time Chaeyoung looks at it as they sit in the restaurant for Jeongyeon’s birthday. Momo has a matching one. They aren’t wedding rings by any stretch of the imagination and yet… could you imagine them marrying someone else? Chaeyoung doesn’t know. But she finds herself looking down at the new Lego set she bought Jeongyeon and somehow feeling inadequate.)

When Chaeyoung turns twenty-six, Momo and Jeongyeon break up. Chaeyoung doesn’t get to see the aftermath. No one does because even Nayeon has been barred from Jeongyeon’s apartment while she processes. But a few days later, she’s at movie night acting as if nothing happened and brushing off all of Dahyun’s concerned questions.

It’s surreal and Chaeyoung thinks that if she hadn’t met Momo herself, she might have thought it wasn’t a real relationship to begin with. But she has met Momo, had seen them together, had seen the damn rings bought less than two weeks ago. Jeongyeon had seemed happy with them. What had made it go wrong? Was it… was it because of her? Chaeyoung doesn’t dare hope. She also doesn’t dare think about what she’s hoping for.

But Jeongyeon is single again and that means that Chaeyoung can investigate a little, try to figure out what the hell she’s feeling without too much guilt. It’s a little dangerous. She knows that she could end up leading Jeongyeon on if she’s not careful, but she desperately needs to understand herself. So she flirts. Just a little. Cautiously, quietly, nothing that couldn’t be mistaken for friendship.

She sits next to Jeongyeon at movie nights, deliberately leaning into her side and pressing their arms together. She whispers in Jeongyeon’s ear and notices the way her cheeks light up with a blush and the way she leans in closer. When Jeongyeon leans in to whisper something herself, Chaeyoung feels her warm breath ghost across her cheek and feels a blush rising in her own cheeks.

When Jeongyeon invites Chaeyoung out on their little excursions together, the ones where it’s just the two of them because their sisters are busy or because it’s something she knows the others wouldn’t care about, Chaeyoung imagines them as dates. She imagines Jeongyeon holding her hand, she imagines pressing a kiss to Jeongyeon’s cheek when she pays for their drinks, imagines getting walked home. It’s so easy to picture. Too easy really.

She feels like she’s in high school again, fluttery feelings in her stomach when Jeongyeon walks into a room and blushing smiles when Jeongyeon grins at her. But it’s still confusing because… is it really real? She remembers Yeri back in college, the girl who had fallen for her in a way Chaeyoung couldn’t reciprocate. Yeri had been wonderful, and Chaeyoung had all those fluttery feelings that she knows to associate with love but at the end of the day she’d know, her future wasn’t with her. If Chaeyoung let herself fall into these feelings and she turns out to be wrong, she’s not sure that she could forgive herself. Breaking Yeri’s heart had been painful. Breaking Jeongyeon’s would be impossible.

It’s that fear that holds Chaeyoung back, that keeps her silent. She won’t say anything until she’s sure. She can’t. But she’s not sure how to be sure. Conversations with Nayeon and Dahyun have only gotten her so far because she can’t explain the full situation to them. They would be too stuck in the middle of it all and Chaeyoung needs someone a little more neutral.

She ends up calling Jihyo.

“Hey,” she says as she lies on her bed staring at the ceiling. “If I tell you something, could you promise to not tell Nayeon. It’s nothing bad but I just… I can’t tell her about it.”

Jihyo is silent for a while on the other end of the line. Chaeyoung knows that Jihyo hates keeping secrets from Nayeon, would hate having to hide something from her. But Chaeyoung needs someone who knows her history with Jeongyeon at least a little and with Nayeon and Dahyun ruled out, that leaves Jihyo as the only option.

“I guess it depends,” Jihyo says, eventually, her tone cautious. “But, yes, I can as long as it’s nothing that affects her.”

“It doesn’t,” Chaeyoung promises. “Not directly anyway. I just… I need someone to talk to that’s not her or Dahyun.”

“Well, I’m glad you feel comfortable coming to me,” Jihyo says. “But what about Jeongyeon?”

Chaeyoung laughs bitterly.

“Yeah, she’s definitely out of the question too. It’s about her. That’s why I can’t tell Nayeon. I don’t know what she knows and I also… it’s weird talking to her about Jeongyeon. They’re like me and Dahyun. Too close maybe. It would almost feel like talking to Jeongyeon herself.”

“Okay?” Jihyo says. “Did Jeongyeon do something to upset you?”

Chaeyoung closes her eyes for a second and takes a deep breath before opening them to stare at the ceiling again.

“No,” she says. “No, she just… confessed to me.”

“What!?” Jihyo sounds genuinely startled and it makes Chaeyoung laugh.

“Yeah. She was drunk out of her mind, and she definitely doesn’t remember it. But she told me she was in love with me.”

“When?”

“A few months ago. When she and Momo were still together. I ignored it back then because of that, but since they broke up, I’ve been thinking a lot and I don’t know what to do.”

Jihyo is silent. Chaeyoung likes that about her. It’s part of the reason she’d called her. Jihyo is meticulous. She thinks through everything very deliberately and while she can be just as loud and flighty as Nayeon, she takes it very seriously when people come to her for advice. Chaeyoung knows she’s just taking a minute to wrap her head around the situation.

“Can you tell me a little bit more about what you’re feeling?” Jihyo finally asks.

“I’m confused,” Chaeyoung admits. “Before she confessed, I hadn’t really thought about her that way but now… I can’t stop thinking about it. About her. I just don’t know if it’s real or if I just like being liked. And I don’t want to mess it up. We’re friends and there’s a lot at stake."

Jihyo hums thoughtfully on the other end of the line before she speaks.

“It’s not quite true that you never thought about her that way, is it?” Jihyo replies cautiously. “Nayeon said you had a crush on her in high school.”

“Nayeon knows about that?” Chaeyoung asks, her heart in her throat.

It was one of the only secrets she’d never told her sister. It felt like breaking some sort of sisterly bond to have a crush on her older sister’s girlfriend even if their relationship hadn’t lasted. So she’d kept her mouth shut even after admitting it to Jeongyeon herself.

Jihyo laughs at her surprise.

“Yeah,” she says. “She said she figured it out after Jeongyeon and Mina started dating. Said you made it really obvious that you were jealous.”

Chaeyoung groans and buries her bright red face into her free hand.

“Don’t be embarrassed,” Jihyo laughs some more. “Look, if you want my advice, go for it.”

The blunt advice catches Chaeyoung by surprise.

“Huh?”

“Go for it. You feel cautious about Jeongyeon because of how you are related through Nayeon and Dahyun. But if it were anyone else you already would have gone for it. And I think to hold yourself back for something like that… you’re just denying yourself a chance at happiness. You won’t be able to fully figure out how you feel about her until you actually let yourself feel it fully. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

Chaeyoung nods before remembering that Jihyo can’t see her and then whispers out a yes.

“I know you’re scared, and I think your reasons are fair, but I also think… fear never got anyone anywhere.”

“Yeah,” Chaeyoung whispers. “I know.”

There’s silence between them for a second as Chaeyoung contemplates what Jihyo has told her. The advice was clear, to the point, and it makes sense. It doesn’t really make it less scary but somehow Chaeyoung feels like her mind is a little bit clearer.

“Did I ever tell you that I almost didn’t ask Nayeon out back in high school?” Jihyo says, all of a sudden.

“Huh?”

“Yeah. She and Jeongyeon had just broken up and everyone knew about them. They were popular and pretty and they’d been friends since the day they were born. When they got together everyone always acted like it was only a matter of time. So even after they broke up, even though I felt like Nayeon and I had this connection, I was terrified to ask her out. I almost felt like I was intruding into something where I didn’t belong. And I think sometimes about how if I hadn’t built up that courage, my whole life would be completely different now. I think… you have to be brave when it comes to love Chaeyoungie. And just know that your sister and Dahyun and me won’t love you any less for putting your heart first, no matter how things turn out.”

Chaeyoung lets out a slow breath over the phone and then smiles.

“Thanks Jihyo,” she says. “And thanks for not telling Nayeon.”

“No problem, baby beast. Good luck.”

Having made the decision to ask Jeongyeon out is one thing. Actually doing it is another thing entirely. She feels an itch under her skin every day that goes by that she doesn’t say anything, and the itch only gets worse when she and Jeongyeon spend time together. It’s now nearly impossible not to notice everything she’s always loved about her. The way she always takes care of all of them, despite being clumsy with how she shows her affections. The way she laughs, always happy and wide and carefree. The way she teases, jokes around, always doing her best to get Chaeyoung to laugh. Chaeyoung is sometimes tempted to reach out and just kiss her. But she thinks that after all these years, they should probably talk first before anything.

So she tries to plan. She thinks that maybe she’ll ask Jeongyeon to hang out sometime, maybe go to that cat cafe that she’s been talking about. And then on the way there maybe ask Jeongyeon if she’d be okay if it was a date. Or maybe she’d invite Jeongyeon over to her apartment on a night when Dahyun would be out and make them some dinner, something romantic. She could light candles maybe. Or maybe she’d take her to a concert. An artist that Jeongyeon really likes, and she’d ask to hold her hand.

There are plans upon plans inside her head, but none come to fruition. The longer it goes on, the heavier Jihyo’s stares get, and the more Chaeyoung feels that itch. But the fear… the fear is real.

It turns out that all it takes is an Im Nayeon birthday party to change everything. Nayeon, despite getting older, has not changed the kind of parties that she likes. Her closest friends, on the other hand, have started to lose a taste for the nonsense. But what Nayeon wants, Nayeon gets. So even at 28, she gets a loud, messy party at a club that has all of them blocking off the next day, knowing that they’re far too old to be able to function with the hangovers they’re bound to get.

Chaeyoung doesn’t go into the party with a plan to ask Jeongyeon out. Her sister’s birthday party is absolutely not the time or place. She just plans to drink a little, dance with her best friend and her sister (and maybe her sister’s best friend a little, just to indulge but nothing crazy) and then go home and sleep. For the first time in years, she’s not trying to get into anyone’s pants at the end of the night.

Plans like that only go so far when she’s drunk. And they only go so far when Jeongyeon comes in dressed like that. It’s been a while since she’s seen Jeongyeon dressed up for anything other than hanging at home or work. Chaeyoung has trouble picturing Jeongyeon in anything other than sweatpants at this point. But she apparently decided that tonight was the night she was going to give Chaeyoung a heart attack as she wanders in with a loose muscle tee tucked into very tight ripped jeans. Her hair is pulled up, showing off the line of her jaw and the shirt is loose enough that Chaeyoung can see her collar bones.

She blames Nayeon for making her do shots. She blames Dahyun for disappearing with her new girlfriend about five minutes after entering the club. And she definitely blames a smirking Jihyo for pushing her up against Jeongyeon when they all decide to dance. They start off shoulder to shoulder, a friendly, happy jump in place sort of dancing, but as the club fills up, they get pushed closer and closer together. Nayeon and Jihyo disappear, and Jeongyeon looks stunning under the dark light, the lines of her arms clear and her skin looking so smooth.

She convinces Chaeyoung to do another shot together and that’s the thing that Chaeyoung blames the most because not fifteen minutes later, she’s got her arms around Jeongyeon’s neck as they dance together. Jeongyeon is warm under Chaeyoung’s hands and she’s watching Chaeyoung with an expression that she can only describe as smoldering. How drunk must she be to be letting loose this much?

The slightly responsible part of Chaeyoung’s brain is yelling at her that this is not what’s supposed to happen, that Jeongyeon wouldn’t be looking at her like this if she was sober, that Chaeyoung had a plan. A number of plans and none of them involved her grinding up against Jeongyeon in a dark club. But that part of her brain is being completely overwhelmed by the warm, heady feeling of Jeongyeon’s hands on her waist and her breath on her cheek.

Chaeyoung doesn’t remember who kissed who. But the next thing she knows, they are kissing, her hands sliding up from the back of Jeongyeon’s neck into her soft, soft hair. Jeongyeon’s hands are slipping around her waist to press into the small of her back until their hips are pressed against each other and Chaeyoung feels like she’s drowning. Maybe it’s the heat of the club, or the alcohol, or maybe it’s just that she’s known Jeongyeon for as long as she can remember, has already fallen for her once, but this kiss sparks lightning to every single one of Chaeyoung’s nerves. She feels like she’s on fire and she kisses Jeongyeon harder.

It's perfect in every way. This kiss answers every question Chaeyoung has ever had about her feelings. This is right. It feels so, so right to just sink into the feeling of Jeongyeon against her. The itch she’s been feeling for weeks subsides into a sense of contentment. As if this is where she was always meant to be. This feeling, the fire, the heat, the love was what she’d been looking for with Tzuyu and had never been able to find. It’s overwhelming in its perfection.

It becomes very quickly impossible to focus on anything but the girl in her arms as her tongue traces along Chaeyoung’s lower lip and her hands slip under the loose fabric of Chaeyoung’s shirt. Chaeyoung is drunk. But she feels alert, aware of every place their bodies are touching, the way Jeongyeon is grinding against her just a little, the way she can’t help but respond in kind.

“Chaeyoung,” she hears Jeongyeon breathe the word against her lips, clearly not asking for anything, just wanting to say her name.

Chaeyoung responds with her name exhaling it past her lips in a sigh of contentment. But it doesn’t feel like enough. There’s more she wants to say, and she itches to just blurt it out.

“Jeongyeon,” she says again, this time pulling away a little. “Jeong.”

Jeongyeon looks at her with glazed eyes, her lips red and swollen, eyes dark. She just stares for a second before her eyes clear a little, and her expression quickly changes to something akin to panic. Chaeyoung won’t let it happen. She leans in again, kisses Jeongyeon once, twice both soft and firm at the same time.

“Jeong,” she says once more, just loud enough that she hopes Jeongyeon can hear it over the music.

Jeongyeon’s hands are on her waist, hovering now, a little awkward and stiff. She seems terrified and Chaeyoung gets it. She understands. As her head clears a little with the distance between them, she curses herself for doing this drunk, for giving Jeongyeon a reason to doubt that it was anything other than 100% genuine.

“Hey,” Chaeyoung says, soothingly, bringing her hands out of Jeongyeon’s hair to cup her face. “Hi.”

Jeongyeon swallows visibly.

“Hi,” she says, her voice rough and choked up.

“I like you,” Chaeyoung says, a little scared still to say the full truth.

That truth being that she’s pretty sure that she’s in love with this crazy, beautiful, awkward girl. It feels too heavy for the club, for the way Jeongyeon looks like she’s about three seconds away from bolting. 

“I like you,” she says again, pressing a kiss to Jeongyeon’s cheek to seal the words in.

Jeongyeon stares at her frozen for a second as she seems to process and then her eyes widen, and her jaw drops a little.

“You… you like me?” she asks, voice small and vulnerable.

“So much,” Chaeyoung says. “Really, so much.”

“You’re drunk,” Jeongyeon answers, but her hands are back on Chaeyoung’s waist properly now.

“I am,” Chaeyoung admits. “But I like you. I’ll like you still when I’m sober.”

“You promise?” Jeongyeon asks, holding her tight, moving in closer.

“Yes, I’ve been liking you while sober for a while now.”

Jeongyeon blinks three times. Chaeyoung lets her process the words and then she’s being kissed again, firmly, solidly, with every emotion clearly written out in the way their lips meet.

I like you. I like you. I love you.

When Chaeyoung is twenty-six…. When Jeongyeon is twenty-eight… They wake up next to each other, naked, in Chaeyoung’s bed. Chaeyoung’s short hair is a tangled mess and Jeongyeon remembers vaguely that that’s definitely her fault. Jeongyeon has a hickey under her jaw that Chaeyoung takes full responsibility for. There’s a moment, one short moment where they stare at each other. It doesn’t feel real. Jeongyeon is sure Chaeyoung was drunk, Chaeyoung can’t believe it took them this long.

“So, um, last night was… something,” Jeongyeon says and Chaeyoung can hear the insecurity in her voice.

Chaeyoung shifts so that she can press a kiss to Jeongyeon’s cheek. Jeongyeon wonders if she’s still dreaming.

“Do you regret it?” Chaeyoung asks.

“No,” Jeongyeon says quickly but then stops and takes a moment to think. “I guess, well, it depends on if you meant what you said last night.”

Chaeyoung grins. She said a lot of things last night. She remembers most of them she thinks. There isn’t a word she didn’t mean. But still, she’d like to make sure she and Jeongyeon are on the same page. It would be the first time.

“Which part?”

“Um,” Jeongyeon clears her throat, she can’t believe she’s about to say this out loud. “The part where you said that you like me?”

“I meant that,” Chaeyoung reassures, her hand coming up to cup Jeongyeon’s cheek. “I meant every word. You… I like you so much, you have no idea. I didn’t… I didn’t mean to tell you while drunk. I’ve been trying to figure out how to ask you out for a few weeks now. I just… I didn’t want to mess it up.”

Jeongyeon is certain she’s dreaming. But she’s not sure her mind could conjure up the way Chaeyoung’s hand feels so soft and real against her cheek, the way her eyes catch the morning sunlight streaming through the window.

“I… Is this real?” she asks.

Chaeyoung chuckles, a warm, soft sound and Jeongyeon sees the dimple on her cheek grow. She made that happen, she thinks happily and she feels herself blushing a little.

She blushes even more when Cheayeong moves to straddle her, her other hand coming up so that she can hold Jeongyeon’s face properly before she kisses her. If the night before had felt hot and fiery in the club with alcohol in her blood and the bass pumping in her veins, this morning feels warm like a blanket being draped over her shoulders as she sits in front of a fireplace. Chaeyoung moves her lips slowly, doing her best to feel the way Jeongyeon’s are slightly chapped and how she exhales so softly when Chaeyoung presses forward. Jeongyeon’s hands move to hold her by the waist, not pulling her closer, just steadying, grounding her.

When they pull apart Chaeyoung’s eyes are glittering, Jeongyeon’s lips stay slightly parted.

“What do you think?” Chaeyoung asks, a cheeky grin spreading across her lips. “Did that feel real?”

Jeongyeon doesn’t dignify that with a response, choosing instead to press her lips against Chaeyoung’s again. Just to confirm, of course.

They’re interrupted suddenly by the shrill ringing of Jeongyeon’s phone and she whines a little as she has to separate from Chaeyoung. She doesn’t go far though as Chaeyoung’s arms slip around her shoulders, holding her close even as she reaches behind her for her phone.

Jeongyeon blanches a little a little when she reads the caller ID. It’s Nayeon. Nayeon had seemed to encourage her interest in Chaeyoung but still, talking to her while she has her little sister naked in her lap feels very weird. She doesn’t have much of a choice though as Chaeyoung nuzzles against her collarbone, pressing a chase kiss into the dip of her neck.

“Hello?” she says.

“Good morning, bestest friend in the world. How are you feeling?”

Chaeyoung has started tracing senseless patterns against her upper back and it tickles a little. Jeongyeon wonders if Nayeon saw her leave with Chaeyoung last night. She might have some explaining to do.

“Good,” Jeongyeon answers.

“Hmmm,” Nayeon hums. “Just good?”

Nayeon definitely saw them leave together. God, this is so awkward. Chaeyoung has pulled back a little is looking at her now with an openly amused expression on her face.

“Uh, yeah, yeah,” Jeongyeon replies. “I’m good.”

Chaeyoung laughs quietly. She can practically feel the awkwardness rolling off Jeongyeon right now. She wonders what Nayeon is saying to her on the other end of the phone. Wonders if she’s giving her shit. Nayeon has always been overprotective of Chaeyoung, but she can’t imagine her being too tough on her best friend.

“That’s really underwhelming for someone whose crush of the last three years finally kissed them last night,” Nayeon says. “I want details. Let’s meet up for brunch.”

“Now?” Jeongyeon asks and she watches as a frown forms on Chaeyoung’s lips.

Chaeyoung isn’t sure where Nayeon wants to drag Jeongyeon away to, but she definitely does not want her to go. There are far, far more kisses to be had this morning, far more soft skin to explore now in the light of day. They waited so many years to get to this point, Chaeyoung doesn’t want to waste a single second.

“Yeah, why? Are you busy?”

“Kinda,” Jeongyeon says, hoping to hell and back that Nayeon will not ask her what she’s busy with.

The line is silent for a second. Jeongyeon looks at Chaeyoung apprehensively and the younger girl tilts her head questioningly in response.

“Oh my god,” Nayeon says finally, clear despair in her tone. “Are you at Chaeyoung’s? Actually, never mind, I don’t want to know. Gross. Don’t tell me. I’m going to hang up.”

The line goes dead and Jeongyeon feels a deep sense of mortification turn to a blush in her cheeks so deep it makes her whole body feel hot. Chaeyoung is laughing and she feels the vibrations against her. Chaeyoung holds her close and presses warm kisses to her cheek and temple until Jeongyeon gets the courage to look at her.

“I’m never going to be able to look her in the eye again,” she mumbles.

Chaeyoung kisses her with laughter on her lips. She can’t deny that she finds Jeongyeon’s distress amusing, though if she’s being honest, she’s a little nervous about encountering Dahyun when she leaves her room. It occurs to her in that moment that she doesn’t know whether or not Dahyun was home last night, whether or not she heard. Chaeyoung had not made much of an effort to be quiet. She opts not to mention any of this to Jeongyeon just yet. She’ll realize on her own soon enough.

“You’re going to have to get used to it if we’re going to date,” Chaeyoung says.

That causes Jeongyeon to freeze up all over again and Chaeyoung does her best not to feel like she’s said something wrong.

“Date?” Jeongyeon asks.

“Do you not want to?”

“I do!” Jeongyeon assures. “I really… I really, really do.”

Chaeyoung rewards her with another kiss. A longer one. One that has her hands tangled into Jeongyeon’s hair, hips grinding into her lap and Jeongyeon moaning lightly into her mouth. She breathes in every moan she lets out and matches each one with a whimper of her own.

There’s a loud knocking on the door.

“You guys better be out of that room, fully clothed in the next five minutes or so help me god, I will never forgive you.”

Dahyun sounds annoyed on the other side of the door and Chaeyoung has to suppress a giggle at the way Jeongyeon goes pale even as she feels her own face heat up.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” Jeongyeon whispers. “We’re doing this at my place next time.”

“So there will be a next time?” Chaeyoung asks. “After a date?”

“Yes,” Jeongyeon replies. “There will be as many next times as you want.”

“I want all of your next times,” Chaeyoung whispers against her lips.

Jeongyeon assures her they're hers with a firm kiss.