Chapter Text
It’s not that staying in a private villa on a tropical island is a punishment for you.
Or that you’re not grateful for the immense privilege that you have in being here. Or that you don’t adore spending time with your extended family. Or that you aren’t appreciative of a slice of luxury in the midst of your otherwise stressful life. But right now, staring at the shiny interiors of the marble mansion you’re going to be staying in for the next three days, listening to your aunts bicker about how it’s not fancy enough for their tastes… you don’t fault yourself for not being more excited than you are. Vacations in your household have always been a chore more than times to enjoy yourself, and this is no exception.
Even though it should be, since you're there for your engagement.
Your engagement .
In the five years you’ve been dating, you’ve never once thought your boyfriend was a good liar, nor did he develop the skills necessary be called a master at sleight of hand. You saw Jackson slip the ring box in your suitcase while checking to make sure there was enough space for him to bring all of his nice watches and didn't say a word. You pretended you had no idea what the random bulge in his underwear pocket was when you were packing the rest of the luggage up. The marriage contract was signed months ago, so it was only a matter of time before this actually happened.
You're excited at the perfunctory level that you can muster towards this long-awaited, monumental milestone in your life, but you also don't know. When your law school roommate Mark got engaged to the love of his life, he gushed over the phone, cried until there was no more water left in his body, and swore up and down he could feel that happiness down to his bones. All your bones feel right now is the crackled ache that comes with being folded for ten and an half hours in an airplane seat.
However, your whole family is there and Jackson’s is too - you do not understand how they hope you won’t realize what this is - so you have to be on. There’s no room at all for you to demonstrate how tired you are.
It's always a performance when they're around.
“Are you going to have a stick up your ass the whole vacation, or are you going to exchange it for sand,” Yuqi roasts your boyfriend in the same low-key tone she’s learned to use around your family. Your side cannot stand to hear her cursing, and Jackson’s side will not tolerate her friendly slander towards him. They won’t accept a bad word against him in general.
Jackson pushes her away and snaps back when his grandma isn’t looking, “Can’t wait ’til the sun roasts your ghosty ass.”
You're happy they're both here so you can have you bubble of space for giddy celebrations on your special day. You always intended to get proposed to with your best friend in attendance, so you have to give Jackson a +1 on the planning by having the forethought to invite Yuqi. Maybe this trip will be better than you thought—,
“They didn’t send the right tour guide!”
Never mind.
One sentence into your parents' bickering and any remote possibility of happiness on this vacation dies a bitter, steaming death.
Your mother is practically beside herself ranting at some oversight, “It was supposed to be an old woman who supposedly ‘knew the island’—,”
“It’s my mother and she doesn’t just ‘know the island.’ She was born here.” A deep, irritated voice interrupts your mother, a feat no one in the family unit ever dares to attempt, let alone accomplishes successfully. “She was not feeling well this evening, so I came in her place. My name is Jaehyun, I am her son.”
Even though you know that the health of the poor woman who owns this villa you booked is paramount here, you exhale in total stress that she's a no-show. Now you're stuck with this person who just wants to argue, and whoever has the audacity to argue back to your parents has to be either stupid, an idiot, or both.
You peek through the crowd of your tsk ing relatives as they stand around, just waiting for a reason to explode at the audacity and attitude of your tour guide replacement. You brace yourself to see some kind of MAGA-type old man there, waiting with a gun in his hand, a cigarette at the ready, and a head full of confrontation. And all you get is a young man your age, dressed in loose white summer linens with his dark hair all windswept and sun-lightened.
You’ve been trained your whole life to not go for looks first, but… he is very, very handsome. He's your type exactly.
Or.
He's your type that you think you would've had... if you were allowed to look at boys during college and didn’t spend all that time at dinner parties with the sons of your parents' friends. If you were allowed to swipe on a dating app like all of your other sorority sisters. If you were allowed to feel like being single was okay, and weren't prodded into thinking you were going to be alone forever. If you weren't about to get engaged to someone your parents picked out for you with that expectation at the start.
You're lucky Jackson ended up being the almost-perfect match for you. You say he’s almost-perfect because he's a little too perfect sometimes, which makes him not perfect. It’s a very strange loop. Not that you ever tell him that, you don’t think you could handle the wrath of Mrs. Wang finding out you don’t think her baby boy farts Louis Vuitton Eau D’Parfum.
Jaehyun’s next question is totally devoid of emotion, “What would you like to do to fulfill your vacation package?”
An offended breath catches in your lungs at his lack of enthusiasm. You get it, you don't expect them to put on a clown show for you and your family is not the easiest bunch to deal with. But you booked this local-owned villa in the hopes that you’d have an authentic experience - you have a list you want to accomplish and everything! - and he is not playing into that even a little.
“Isn’t that your job?” Your father wastes no time delegating the hard work to someone else, years and years of building his reputation as a successful business owner coming in handy here.
Jaehyun holds up the packet of forms you signed and parrots out the words, “You opted to choose your specifications upon arrival.”
You remember checking that box because no one could stop arguing enough while planning to select what you wanted to do. You thought the extra month of downtime would lead to some decisions, but clearly you were wrong.
“I don’t think that’s true!” Your over-the-top aunt promptly goes over-the-top, “Don’t make us fire you!”
“You can’t unless you want to vacate the villa,” Jaehyun responds, not even remotely worried by the threat.
You haven’t even gotten to put your bag down and you’re already in this strange standoff with the owner’s son. You can feel the eyes drifting your way, highlighting you as the lawyer of both families to step in and do something. They expect you to find some loophole to fire this poor boy, you’re sure, but you don’t want him to get fired for doing nothing wrong. When you hesitate because of that, everyone turns to Jackson instead to take the lead. So you have to swallow your anxiety and do something fast, since your boyfriend is always one to follow directions.
Getting into the middle of the fracas, you fake being huffy to cover up how you really feel, “Can you give us a minute to figure it out?”
You haven’t stepped into a clear field of view - family matters are a thousand times more intimidating than being in a courtroom - so your tour guide stands on his tiptoes and cranes his neck to see who’s taken on the mantle of arguing against him. His eyes land on you hovering nervously in the center of it all, wearing your pristine light blue travel dress and being not at all dangerous looking. His irises are dark and unmoved, nowhere close to sharing any of the apprehension that you have, and he gives you the most disdainful brush off possible. And in a family like this, you’ve experienced your fair share of that.
You have to bite back an equally as disdainful gesture in response to his rudeness.
(Though you’re not exactly sure what that would be. You haven’t given the middle finger to anyone in ten years, not since a New York City biker almost hit you five summers ago during a trip to the NYSE.)
A glare will do, a nice, solid glare. One that you hope Jaehyun will interpret correctly as demonstrating your need for him to make this easier on you. Then y ou corral your relatives to the couch pit of the massive living room, far enough away so that their inevitable rants about Jaehyun will not float back to him. As rude as he was to you, you swear you’re not trying to be rude in return… you’re just matching his energy.
You take a deep breath and start, “Can we-,”
Before you can get into the important discussion, Jackson decides to randomly cackle over you, “Look at her! She’s smitten!” A nervous thrill spirals up your neck for absolutely no reason, but he doesn't call you out. Jackson throws an arm around a blushing Yuqi instead, who tears her eyes away from the corner Jaehyun is brooding in. You sense exactly what joke is brewing, “Maybe this is the trip you’ll finally get a boyfriend!”
Ever since your engagement became a thing that was on the horizon and not just a distant possibility you talked about, Jackson has ramped up the teasing reminders that Yuqi can no longer be your third wheel to everything.
“You need to watch yourself,” you warn him, with a wry smile in defense of your friend.
Yuqi just huffs and sits in the corner of the pit as far away from you as possible, not appreciating that you try to shut him up as much as you can. Jackson tends to forget she was your friend years before he was even in the picture, and not everyone likes the mean-spirited jokes you put up with. But he invokes the nods of agreement from your parents - that Yuqi should finally settle down like you are, even though she’s not their daughter - and he wins this round.
Jackson slings an arm around you to cuddle you close and kiss your temple, teasing you all the same, “You’re not going to put in a good word for ChiChi?”
Across the living room, Yuqi lifts her purse so your great-uncle can’t see her flash you both the middle finger, yet she ends up being scolded by him anyways. You hold in a groan of years-long frustration that they never learn their lesson. They're always so playful with each other it gets you in trouble by proxy.
You also don’t know how to tell them your tour guide would rip your head off if you tried to matchmake him.
You attempt to get back on track for all of your sakes, “Granny Wang, Auntie, everyone. What would you like to do—,”
“I’d like a martini!” Granny Wang doesn’t let you finish, she knows exactly what she wants to do…. You suppose drinking counts as a vacation activity, but you’re going to hold out hope that she is the confident outlier. Someone here has to want to do one of the activities that you've always envisioned yourself doing while here on this island, right? Right?!
“Let’s get drinks!”
Never mind.
In no less than a minute, you have a completed list of what your immediate family wants to do for the next three days: sit on a private beach and drink, go to a private restaurant and drink, shop in luxury boutiques and drink, and stay in this private villa….. and drink.
Your disappointment is masked within the subtle giggles of approval you have to give everyone, the vapid phrases of agreement you respond in to not set them off. This island is a place you've wanted to visit for some time now. You're officially bummed that you can’t fulfill the hopes and dreams of the child version of you who stumbled upon this place in a book. So, s tupid list at the ready on your stupid phone, and feeling stupidly out of place in a stupid dress your stupid mother called casual - which comes across as egregiously fancy in comparison to what Jaehyun’s wearing - you head back over to the kitchen to have the conversation no one else will.
“Excuse me,” you call for his attention as politely as possible and still get a glare hidden behind the swoop of his bangs. You steel yourself to carry on, “If possible, we would like to explore some hidden beaches and coves, perhaps enjoy some high-end cuisine as well as good shopping, and we would like to have enough time to lounge around and appreciate this beautiful home.”
If you were hoping Jaehyun might be moved by the compliment about the property he owns, you’re better off just flying back to Florida and becoming a sea turtle.
He’s particularly gruff while denying you, “That's not what the point of this tour is.”
He points right to the little logo at the top of your forms, a heart inside the outline of a house with the words, Experience our authentic home with an island-loving heart! underneath it. You have to bite back a snort at the idea of his family coming up with that sweetheart catchphrase, then forcing this rude Jaehyun character into using it. He can’t even bring himself to even say it out loud, there's no way he believes it.
You poke at the loophole in his argument, “You suggested we could do whatever we’d like and that is what we’re paying for.”
The sweetheart catchphrase is so cute, but it’s not legally binding.
“You’re all assholes,” Jaehyun mutters.
Um? Wow.
At first you feel a terse prick of distaste hard for him lumping you in with the rest of the… a-holes in your family. But you quickly discover he hadn’t meant to be obvious about it, nor does he realize you heard his insults - since he switches tune fast to give you a bland smile and an attempt at being pleasant, “Whatever you like!”
You have no idea what compels you to shrug a shoulder and give away your cover by affirming, “Yup, we are.”
But that’s what you do.
Jaehyun gets the most awkward you’ve ever seen another human being become. You mean this man becomes a frigid statue that doesn’t even blink, let alone breathe, let alone is able to make eye contact with you. You can sense he didn't anticipate that you'd have any awareness of how you come across, but… you are aware. You always have been.
You’re annoyed you have to mediate this exchange like it’s your job, yet you still manage to pry yourself apart into vulnerable openness you hope will help, “I am supposed to get engaged on this trip. If you could potentially intersperse what I want to do with what they want to do, I would be very grateful.”
Jaehyun’s statue-ness breaks in one small instance, when his perfect and lovely eyebrows raise in surprise at the news of your impending engagement. And if it’s possible, he gets even more awkward right after. He starts to fidget in place, eyes darting around as he processes that this is a special trip that he’s just soured the start of. When he finally looks at you again, you don’t think you’re making it up that he’s one ounce less gruff, “What's the list.”
Oh!
You didn’t expect him to…. wow, okay. Now you feel immensely embarrassed that you have to show him this list you’ve been compiling since you were a five year old and had no time to edit. Doubly so when he watches you
check behind you
so that you can make sure none of your family is watching you switch out their ideas for yours.
- sitting on the back of a bike with someone!
(Cringe way to start this, even cringier when you see the weird face Jaehyun makes.)
- hiking to a beautiful view
(Maybe that one redeems you, despite his mouth twisting at the word beautiful.)
- Private beach ;)
Oh my god! You wrote that in when you were fifteen and never took out the winky face!
Jaehyun chokes on nothing when he reads that bullet point, then scrolls as fast as he can past it. You think you might honestly die. You didn’t mean it like that, you swear.
- Just to swim in the ocean!!!!!!!!!!
(That is the next bullet point and you thank whichever slightly older version of yourself was mortified enough to fix it. God! So embarrassing!)
- getting fat on local foods
(He finally smiles at that. It’s a half-one that doesn’t really count, but you still get him.)
- market time - bring some pretty handmade clothes home
(You really want this one to happen. And you’re not talking about shopping at the same iteration of LV here that you have back home. You want to be able to look at it in your closet and know exactly what led you to purchasing it.)
- seeing the stars because I am one!
That last one should come across as the cringiest item on your list. Yet you just end up feeling all wistful and tender, thinking of how you grew up in the heart of New York City with not a single chance to see a real star with your own eyes. You latched onto that hope as a little kid and never let go, though you've certainly felt less like a shiny star as of late.
“I’ll see what I can do.” There’s no intention behind any of Jaehyun’s words. You’re sure he’s not going to attempt any of this for you, but what can you do? At least you tried and at least your parents will be happy you won this pseudo war with your stubborn tour guide. They’d make a fuss about paying for your law school if you didn’t, they'd claim their investment wasn't worth it if you weren't able to out-maneuver a regular citizen.
Then, you remember something else you wouldn’t feel right not doing your due diligence on.
Hiding all of your discomfort, you smile at Jaehyun who’s still looking in your direction (Thank god! You wouldn’t have been able to handle grabbing his attention for this!) and you reveal shyly, “I think Yuqi likes you. She’s my person, I’ve loved her for forever.”
You don't think Jaehyun is Yuqi’s type at all. She tends to hang around the pretty, rich boys that fill up the halls of Jackson’s Wall Street firm, who are more inclined to buy her things than argue with her. But you can see how she's been a bit sad that you and Jackson are entering a different stage of life than her, and you’re obliged as her life-long best friend to support her in anything she does.
Jaehyun grimaces - once again, you don’t think he’s aware he did that so visibly - before he proceeds to deny you, polite yet hardcore, “I’m sure good genes run in the family, but no.”
What does he mean good genes?
When a flash of sudden, random heat surges into your chest, you clutch your hands behind your back as your nervous habit from years in the courtroom manifests in real life. You correct him after that, “She’s my best friend, not my sister.”
After an entire encounter of flitting around each other in terseness, you and Jaehyun lock eyes for this moment of stillness you’re unable to parse the meaning of. You wonder if his neutral face and dark eyes are hiding anything like you think yours might be.
“Either way, I just got out of a long term relationship and don’t have any desire for a rebound.” Jaehyun's response should come across as a serious nail in the coffin, but all you can think about is how interesting it is he made it personal for no reason. He could’ve left it at no .
“Okay, Steph Curry,” you laugh at him. You’re used to making sports jokes to bait your male colleagues into thinking you’re worthy of their attention. You're sure it’ll work here, too-,
Jaehyun doesn't laugh. He doesn't even smile.
Awkward.
You do your best to hurry out of there, officially over everything about this interaction. However, the second you feel your heel snag on the hem of your dress, you just accept that you’re going to fall over and have physical humiliation be the cherry on top of this. When you’re about to give up and let gravity take over, a rebounding force wraps itself around your upper arm and you find yourself being pulled upright… by Jaehyun. Once you’re standing upright and not two inches from being a stain on the tile, he lets go of you immediately. God, that was the weirdest thing. It’s like you can still feel his hand on your arm. When your gaze instinctively floats to him, his is already on you and you have this strange urge to hug him out of gratitude for not letting you get hurt.
You can’t do that for multiple reasons, most of all the fact that you’re sure Jaehyun would hate it if you did anything other than shoot, him a polite smile of appreciation. And leave right away.
Which is what you do.
Acting like a wounded animal for no reason, you try to make yourself as tiny as possible as you escape for real. You realize that not only has all of your family disappeared, you will now have to make an incredibly long walk to the staircase by yourself (why is this house so big!) in front of him. You do not want to give Jaehyun any more fodder to dislike you, though you're sure he’ll definitely find something wrong with the way that you walk or the fact that you’re wearing heels. You have not a single clue why you’re so in your head about what this local boy thinks of you, but maybe it’s because you don’t want anyone thinking you’re just a rude tourist. You’re not.
Thinking a nap will help you, you make a beeline to the bedrooms… only to hear Yuqi’s voice drift out particularly loudly from the sitting room, “Can you stop with the boyfriend jokes?!”
Yes, finally! Stand up for yourself, Chi!
“I only do it because I love when you’re angry.” You will never understand why Jackson loves bickering with her at every possible moment, but you’re glad they get along. You’ve heard too many stories about the boyfriend and best friend hating each other that you appreciate this relationship is the opposite.
“I don’t want another boyfriend joke ‘cause I don’t want another boyfriend.”
Her denial has quite a bit of force behind it, hmmm?
To be honest, you’re very confused about what they’re discussing since Yuqi’s last boyfriend has been old news for more than two years. You definitely hated him and never said, but they also broke up right around when you started dating Jackson. You haven’t heard of any concrete updates in Yuqi's love life since, beyond the one or two flings that never went past a second night together. Is she hiding something from you because she doesn’t want to take away from your engagement trip—,
You peek through the crack in the door right at the moment when Jackson reaches for Yuqi’s arm. At first, you think it’s so that he can hug her in apology for hurting her feelings. But instead, you watch in perfect detail as his fingers trail up her neck to hold her there as he whispers right in her ear, “You have me.” Your sensory nervous system blanks out while you’re processing the meaning of his words, then returns in perfect, vivid clarity exactly when their mouths meet in a passionate kiss.
The meaning hits you way too late - that your almost-fiancé is your best friend’s secret boyfriend, and he’s the only one that she wants.
You silently back away from the door and stand frozen at the top of the steps, unsure of what else to do. No wonder you had a strange feeling - about this trip spent together, about this heavy unknown weight looming over your relationship, about what was going to come in the future. The reason for that feeling certainly wasn't I’m being cheated on, though.
You head back down the stairs that you came up, kick off your heels when you see that a dozen pairs of slippers have been left by the doorway, and feel so much better now that you have a reason not to sacrifice yourself for appearances. You take your hair out of your ridiculously crisp bun, throw your bag on the couch without a care, then straight up just leave the villa. No one’s around to tell you not to, and you don’t bother looking back to see if you’re being chased.
The night air is unbelievably sticky, hot in a way that should make you uncomfortable, but you welcome it. Having half a mind to walk right to the airport and get on a flight back to Miami, you start heading down the gravel driveway with nothing but the stupid travel dress on your back. When you remember that you at least need a phone and a passport to get back the states, you make a hard pivot towards the door, only to run right into a hunk of metal…
It’s the wiry outline of a bike toting a shocked Jaehyun, showing off the first solid emotion you’ve seen from him all night.
You have no way of handling what’s going on right now. To make matters worse, you can already feel the strains of whatever confounding grief you’re not ready to process.
“Can you take me somewhere,” you blurt, no further elaboration or hesitation.
All you know is that you can’t be here.
Jaehyun blinks two or three times, thinking you were a ghost or a hallucination and not a real person talking to him, then sinks into his sour mood, “That is going to get me in huge trouble, and you know it.”
“I won’t,” you promise.
It’s a foolish promise to make considering you’re strangers and he doesn't trust you. You certainly don't trust him or his attitude - though you're seemingly fine with letting him take you away from here - but you also know that you won’t ever throw Jaehyun under the bus for doing you a favor. That’s just not who you are.
You’re getting ready for a No , for some bickering, for you to dig in and utilize your years of corporate law to find a way to force him to do this. And Jaehyun certainly makes a fuss as he gets off the bike, grumbling and muttering more like a curmudgeonly old man than a twenty-eight year old one. He grabs the handlebars of his bike and starts wheeling it down the driveway to the exit, and the grief solidifies into coldness in your chest. How are you supposed to deal with this on your own? You literally have no one—,
Jaehyun glares over his shoulder at you when he’s halfway down the driveway. Your hands twist together nervously, not sure what you’ve done wrong… until you put it together that he’s mad you’re not following.
You run to chase after him, you don’t care if you look like an idiot while doing him.
You overshoot him by about ten feet and then have to awkwardly wait for him to catch up, which is bad enough. And when he’s by your side and you open your mouth to apologize with a joke about how you should’ve put this late-night escape on your list, he gives you such a cold look that you shut up. There’s a part of you that wishes Jaehyun would blab his lungs out so that you could focus on anything other than panicking. Because you can feel it. It's right there in the middle of your chest and it’s tempting you hard. But he's the strong and silent type, apparently.
He walks without needing directions, perks of growing up in a place as small and beautiful as this, and you follow, obedient and quiet like you’re his adopted pet that he keeps around out of pity. You turn the corner onto the isolated main road that leads out of the villa property and you come across a tiny shack, filled with an old man is sitting on a folding beach chair and selling beer out of a cooler.
“Why?” Not the most elegant or descriptive question of yours, but still a valid one.
Jaehyun doesn’t do the best job of holding in his sigh, nor avoiding the gruff tone, “You're a city girl, this is what you do when you're upset, right?”
He's… right.
It’s more like gathering the girls up and going to the most high-end cocktail bar you can think of, in order to flounder in top-shelf booze instead of whatever mysterious boy illness is affecting you. But the principle is the same. How does he know that?
“I've lived in a city, too. All the girls do it,” Jaehyun answer your unspoken question before he hands the man a bill in exchange for two bottles of beer.
He cracks his open and sits right on the dirt at the side of the road, then glares at you again when you keep standing. You can’t imagine what kind of fuss you’re going to get for dirtying your clothes so much you’ll need to do laundry on vacation, but this is the kind of authenticity you want, so… You join him, though you tuck your legs in beside you in a much more ladylike display than his splayed ones. They’re nice, though. You can see the muscles through the fabric-,
God, you didn’t expect this side effect. You’re not just magically single even though your boyfriend is behaving like he is.
Jaehyun takes a long drink from his bottle, then nudges the other one towards you. When you don’t take it right away, he peeks back into his wallet and says, “I have enough money for five more, will that suffice?”
Ah, you feel bad that he paid.
“I want to be sober right now,” you whisper.
You don't want to forget and then have to remember all over again.
Jaehyun stares at you like he can’t believe you’re being this dramatic and selfish at the time, and you've never felt this called out before in your life. Suddenly self-conscious, you start apologizing out of nowhere, “I’m sorry. I’m really sorry for making you pay, and I’m sorry for killing the mood.”
“The mood was already killed,” Jaehyun mutters brazenly, before his eyes widen when he catches what he said to you and tries to take it back. “That’s not what I… I didn’t… It wasn’t… yeah.” He can't control his attitude, but you don't mind. You’ve dealt with worse and at least this feels like an authentic expression of who he is.
And you did sort of kill the mood.
You change the subject to get a conversation going that’ll save you, “Do you live in the capital city?”
Your aunts couldn’t shut up on the flight descent about how it looked like a tiny, unacceptable version of New York, and you sat there and held in your thoughts about how charming it was. You leave that detail out, and still Jaehyun ignores you.
You try again, “Are you my age? I’m twenty-seven, almost twenty-eight.”
His shrug may or may not mean yes, but you ultimately get just more ignoring.
Third time’s a charm? “Is this your full-time job?”
Nothing. Just nothing.
You’re beginning to think Jaehyun might be the most impossible nut to crack, hidden under an outside layer of pure steel, wrapped up in diamond. But your whole career has been built on cracking the hardest nuts, yso ou know exactly what to say to get something out of him, “You and your family must be close.”
His pretty pink lips turn into the smallest smile, and you don’t even need an answer after that. He and his family must be incredibly close, close to the point that you would be envious if you got the details.
“I wish I could say the same,” you admit, getting personal for no reason just like he did. “But I moved away for college and grad school, so… not the most ideal.”
You think the fractures in your relationship with your parents were there for longer than that. Holiday parties that didn't feel quite happy, family dinners that were more dinner and less family. But getting away from your posh city bubble and recognizing that none of your friends at Boston College had remotely similar feelings towards their parents was what led you to realize you didn’t experience the typical American childhood. Most kids don’t have the Empire State Building colored in their favorite color for their birthday. You just wanted a princess cake that year.
“Me too,” Jaehyun speaks out of nowhere, and his deep voice hitting your ears is like being shot with a straight dose of adrenaline.
“I think not ideal for different reasons though, no?” you joke.
Jaehyun's and your feelings towards the people you hold closest in your heart clearly developed in different directions. Him leaving his hometown for an education probably made him miss it more than ever, no? His mouth quirks like he wants to engage in your assumption before he stops himself. But when your gazes brush again and he senses your need for him to continue, Jaehyun lets out a sigh, “I liked being away from here more than I thought, which was…”
“Not ideal,” you fill in.
He nods, a reluctant little thing.
Interesting.
You had opposite experiences leaving home. His time away made him miss his parents and cherish them more, while yours made you unable to stand their very presence if it wasn’t for your innate filial love for them. However, both of you also discovered that your home wasn’t necessarily the place you intended to put roots in forever, leading to a lot of unwanted confusion and turmoil.
Very interesting.
This is the first instance in a long time you've had extended contact with someone out of your main social circle that wasn't for your career. Clients came and went, partners dipped in and out, all of it so fleeting and fast you can honestly say you've never made a new friend since moving to Miami. You’re having trouble comprehending the fact that you and Jaehyun - on the surface, two people who couldn’t be more different from each other - overlap in these hidden fissures of feeling.
[11:45 pm] Jackson Wang : where are you? wanna cuddle?
You spot the message preview on your phone screen, perched under the contact name you saved your boyfriend as - as sterile as the contact names of rest of your colleagues, nothing special for the person you’re going to spend your life with. You finally allow yourself to feel an emotion about what you saw.
A drowning tide of relief.
Now you understand your reservations surrounding this relationship, a relationship that shouldn’t have given you any reservations in the first place. It was perfect and everything you've ever wanted and you never got why you weren't satisfied with Jackson when he checked all of your supposed boxes. You couldn’t comprehend why you were worried about disappointing your parents, you weren't able to ever articulate how you were feeling towards him beyond using sweet platitudes. But this is it. Your heart was never in it, because it knew it wasn't safe for you.
“This is…” Your voice and your fingertips and your existence are shakier than shaky, and the relief is replaced with an incredible amount of shame as you work up the courage to admit to Jaehyun, “This is not just a vacation for me, it’s a dream. It’s something I’ve wanted to do since I was a child, and I don’t want it ruined.”
You hope that last part comes out as forcefully as you intend, a secret warning sent back to the two people in the villa who could ruin it for you. But it might just be a pathetic sob instead. You're so numb you can't tell.
“I’ll take it under advisement for the tour,” Jaehyun sarcastically salutes you while agreeing, which negates the agreement in the first place. That means that he’s going to stick to whatever spiel and schedule he usually gives the annoying tourists who waste his time, and won't go out of his way to help you accomplish any of what you want. But again, you can't be disappointed at yourself for being honest about your feelings. It seems like you're the only one in your family who is.
Jaehyun extends his arm out of the salute and holds his beer bottle your way, and you flinch thinking that he's going to dump it on you for being annoying. He watches you move out of the way in hopes you won’t be caught in the downpour, then he chuckles darkly, “The list didn’t include a wet t-shirt contest, don’t worry.”
You didn't think he was capable of joking like that. You have no words to describe the returning bludgeon of heat against the inside of your chest.
Stealing the beer from him before he can do any damage, you shoot Jaehyun a cold look in return and drink deeply from it. The alcohol is icy and enticing in the exact manner you were trying to avoid before, since it makes you want to keep drinking and drinking and drinking—,
“Whoa, Moneybags, okay.” Jaehyun slips the bottle out of your grasp before you can chug down to the bottom while scolding you, “It’s not nice to finish it all.”
You weren’t going to finish it, you have no idea why he would think that…
“Asshole runs in my family,” you muse, that one statement enough to explain your behavior.
He laughs, like actually lets out a bright sprig of notes that isn’t veiled under his dislike for you and your relatives. It sounds so pretty and out of place that you end up peeking at him to see what he looks like when he laughs. He’s staring off into the cloudy sky with the gentle breeze tugging at his bangs, and he keeps rolling the bottle in between his fingers. Your stare might be heavy enough he can feel it, because his gaze slips back to yours in no time.
Under the cover of the smiling moon, you let this person you just met stare at you and have no intentions of telling him to stop. Your mind cannot keep up with what it’s allowing your body to do. The one swig of alcohol is swirling in your stomach and your feelings are whipping all over the place trying to match it, and the heat in your chest burns so hot it's as if it's cooking you from the inside out. You’re a master at revealing the objective facts for all in a courtroom to see, and the objective fact here that Jaehyun is very handsome. His rough-around-the-edges existence is the kind of type you never thought you’d have.
Maybe he’s getting closer to you or maybe you're swaying hard from that chug or maybe you're making it all up in order to cope. But you swear you're not making up the pattern of Jaehyun's heavy exhale on the same spot he touched your arm, hot and wondering in a way that exposes the underbelly of his neutrality.
Only to discover you’ve definitely fabricated it when Jaehyun just looks away and says, “You can get back on your own.”
It's not even a question.
You can, but like…. Ugh, yes, you can. You can see the house from here and you remember the steps you took while tucked behind him in distress enough to backtrack. You’re not some damsel-in-distress, even though you want to give into feeling like one.
Jaehyun stands up and leaves the beers behind - on purpose or by accident, you’re not sure - then retrieves his bike and pedals away before you can say anything else… or even attempt a regressive bit of begging to get him to stay. You really wish Jaehyun had done so, even if to sit there in silence with you some more. Anything is better than returning to the villa, you can’t even bring yourself to think about going inside.
You don't want to, you don't, you don't.
But you also can’t sleep in the grass out here, as much as you could claim that as an addendum to your list - sleeping under the stars amongst the wilderness is one of the most authentic experiences you could have. So you take a lap around the mansion, plagued by the unconfirmed, upsetting thought that this place is probably a thousand times more luxurious than wherever Jaehyun and his family live, and find a random entrance to the pool room.
There’s a couch there that doesn’t look too uncomfortable, though your mother would call that paisley print an abomination, and the blanket that's paired with it is fluffy enough. You know you can derive comfort from the fact that you’ll be able to sleep alone tonight without having to cuddle with your boyfriend, though you’re not sure if there’s any sleep to be had. As the hours pass and your thoughts don’t unscramble, nor does your arm go back to feeling like your own, you have to think you can’t blame this strange set of emotions on the alcohol.
You barely had any, anyways. Jaehyun made sure of that after you… told him that’s what you wanted.
tbc.