Archive of Our Own

Rain

She wanted it comfortable, I wanted that pain

She wanted a fiancé, I was making my own name

Chasing that fame, she stayed the same

All of me changed like midnight

– He's back. – is the first thing Castro Akira hears when she arrives at work, a small office that houses Fukuoka's Daily, an online news blog about the Japanese city and the biggest gossips in the community, along with everything about the many celebrities who were from there and left out in search of due recognition, both in Japan and the world.

– Who is he, Daisuke-kun? – Akira questioned, making his friend and colleague jump in place, as he hadn't noticed her arrival yet.

Fumiko and Daisuke exchanged glances and Akira didn't need anything else to know that whoever this "he" was, she probably wouldn't like to know the answer.

But before any of her friends could answer her question, the head of the small blog, Yuma, appeared.

– Who among all is willing to drive to Watanabe-dori? I need someone to pick up the photographer for the athletia publicity before we have our meeting. Unfortunately, some unforeseen events occurred, and I can no longer do it myself.

– It's Akira-san's turn, senpai. – Akashi, another of the employees, said – Last time it was Shotaro-kun who went.

Yes, they had a small list of the order they should follow every time someone on the team ends up not being able to do a certain task. It was an easy, practical, and fair way of managing things since they were just a small enterprise after all.

Akira just sighed, she had barely arrived at work and would already have to drive to the metro station.

– Who do I have to look for?

Yuma said nothing, just handed her a small poster where you could see Fukuoka Daily's written in bold letters.

– It's easier for him to look for the sign than for you to look for him in the crowd. – he gave her a small smile.

______

– Fukuoka's Daily? – Akira heard someone ask, making her drop her gaze from her cell phone and look at the stranger in front of her.

At first glance, it was clear that the person in front of her was not Japanese, but since he was the one who initiated the contact, Akira didn't saw any problem in speaking Japanese to the stranger.

– Yes, I'm Castro Akira, one of the FD journalists. How can I help you?

She knew that under no circumstances the man in front of her was the photographer she was expecting, after all, she had information that the subway would arrive in a few minutes. And no transport in Japan is ever late or early.

– Oh, excuse my rudeness. I'm Yoon Jaehyuk. – the name sounds somehow very familiar, but Akira just ignores it, bowing in greeting to the person in front of her, just like he did to her – And as far as I know, we're both waiting for the same person. – before Akira could question the stranger about how he knew who she was waiting for, he shifted his gaze to something behind him, adding right away – And he just arrived. – he pointed something, or rather, someone, behind her.

If Akira thought he looked familiar from afar, as he gets closer and closer, she's pretty sure she recognizes and knows him.

In front of her is an older version of someone she has long seen get on a plane with a dream in mind.

"Gosh, it's been five years.", she thinks to herself.

– Asahi-kun? – she whispered when he stopped in front of her.

– Akira-chan?

None of them can hide their surprise, looking at each other with wide eyes until Jaehyuk decides to interrupt the silence.

"I guess he wasn't expecting me either."

Asahi was in fact expecting to see her, but not right on his arrival to Fukuoka. He was supposed to only meet her after a couple of days. After she was told who to expect for the ad.

– Do you know each other? – there was clear doubt and surprise in the older voice.

It's this sentence that makes Akira react and hug Asahi, completely ignoring the fact that both of them are not very attached to physical contact, they are in a public place and in the close presence of someone she doesn't know, but when he corresponds, she knows that there is no problem.

At least not at that moment.

______

– From all the people that could cross my mind when they told me I had to go get the supposedly Korean photographer for our collaboration with athletia, is that it was you, Asahi-kun. – she laughed – You're not even Korean! I can't believe they told me you were!

Asahi sighed and bit the inside of his cheek as he was unsure of what to say to his longtime friend. He knew she wasn't up to speed on all the details about the campaign.

The three were now in a small 24-hour restaurant located right next to the station and were waiting for their lunch to be ready.

– I only accepted the job because it was already planned for me to be around here for other projects... – the Japanese's hesitation did not go unnoticed – Plus, I got to come back to my country. – he shrugs his elbows – And surprise you on the way.

– Oh, are you here working for YGE too? – the black-haired woman asked with furrowed eyebrows – I should have guessed that the company simply wouldn't "lend" you to us for nothing. - she symbolized the quotation marks with her hands when speaking.

Asahi didn't even wonder how she knew he was working at YGE. He knows, or knew, Akira well enough to know that she had followed everything that had happened to her friends after they left for Korea, even if it meant pain for her.

And it's not like it's unknown that he works at the company he once dreamed of training for. It was inevitable to sigh before trying to respond to the comment. Unsuccessful, as he is interrupted by his friend who beat him and spoke first.

– Hi-kun is always working for YGE, – Jaehyuk rolls his eyes – especially when going back and forth with Haruto.

– With Haruto? – the tremor in her voice did not go unnoticed by the two men at the table, leaving Jaehyuk apprehensive that he might have said something that he shouldn't, and Asahi mentally beating himself for not being able to hide that information any longer. Haruto and Yuma were going to kill him – Did he come back too?

The Japanese's hesitation was palpable as he played with his fingers as he answered, unable to look his friend in the face.

– I returned to Japan a few days ago to be able to visit my family in Osaka before coming here, but Haruto arrives tomorrow... His schedule didn't allow him to come earlier as he wanted to. – Asahi bits his lip as he closed his eyes and prepared himself to see his friend's reaction.

– Wait, – Jaehyuk started by saying – how come you work at FD, and you don't know that Haruto is coming back? He is scheduled to be the model for this campaign and there will be an interview with your team afterwards. All in the name of him returning to his hometown.

And Akira could only think about how much she wanted to make Yuma suffer a lot before she killed him for not telling her about all this.

After all, Yuma knows how much she suffered when Haruto left town.

In the end, it was him the one to help her glue all the pieces of her heart back together.

My town was a wasteland

Full of cages, full of fences

Pageant queens and big pretenders

But for some, it was Paradise

Haruto never thought it would take him 5 years to go back to his homeland for the first time after leaving the city to become an idol in Korea.

And much less that it was going to be for work.

As much as his company pretended to the tabloids that at every available time in his schedule he returned home, that was far from reality.

Haruto had spent the last few years of his life between rehearsal rooms, Korean and English classes, hours in the studio – where he often fell asleep from exhaustion – both composing and producing, and in various meetings for others to decide every step of his life.

He didn't have time to really rest, let alone catch a plane to Japan without getting caught.

After all, even before he finally debuted with his hyungs, Choi Hyunsuk and Kanemoto Yoshinori, he was already well known enough to be stopped several times on the street when he left the company for the dorm that he shared with the various trainees of YGE.

But also, if you told the (not so) little Haruto of 18 years old that he would need so much time to come back, since he had finally managed to fulfill his dream of stepping on the big stages in the same company as the group that inspired him, BigBang, he would say he didn't care.

In the end, not even the pain of a broken heart for his own actions and the consequent guilt he carries about it, were enough to stop him and make him not embark on that day. So, what was 5 years without seeing family?

That was just another price to pay. And he was always aware of it.

He knew that staying in Fukuoka would do nothing to help him try to reach the top and nothing would make him waste the years he had already spent training before the proposal to join two other trainees and form a rapper trio in Korea came up. It was risky, he knew, even more so he was going to be away from his family, but as already mentioned, it was just one more detail.

And despite all the sweat, tears and sacrifices he's made, he wouldn't change a thing about his life, even if he sometimes wonders if he really made the best choices.

Many people helped and supported him, from his trio mates to Asahi, with whom he had left Japan. There was a huge team behind everything that had welcomed him with open arms and that the Japanese now considered family. But it always felt like something, or someone, was missing.

And even though Asahi had also boarded that plane with the same dream of becoming an idol, he knew that his friend was much happier now as a photographer and producer for the company than he was when he was as a trainee. And that he never resented him for making into a final line up while the Osaka native didn't.

Even if the eldest didn't realize his initial dream, he had got a new one and, if you asked anyone who knows him, the ideal for him. Especially because even though he wasn't officially an idol, that hadn't stopped him from releasing some songs under his name, or even a collaboration with Haruto himself that gained a lot of attention around the world thanks to the social platform TikTok.

Everything had worked out for both, and that was what mattered.

Or almost everything had worked out.

Haruto still finds himself wondering if breaking the heart of the only person he's ever loved and that made him feel loved along the way to make his dream come true, was really the right decision.

He will never forget the pain of the tears shed by both after harsh, meaningless, and empty words were uttered by both of them on their last encounter.

None of them knew how to handle the situation and Haruto would love to be able to talk to his 18-year-old self and stop him from acting the way he did.

That was his only regret, maybe if he had acted differently, if both had acted differently, the two could at least be friends these days.

My boy was a montage

A slow-motion, love potion

Jumping off things in the ocean

I broke his heart 'cause he was nice

I was sunshine, he was midnight rain

It's way past midday when Haruto arrives at Fukuoka's Daily for the first time in years.

He's late by 10 minutes to the first meeting with the team who'll work with him on the campaign, and he hates it. But it's not entirely his fault.

Jaehyuk simply had forgot to mention to him the meeting had been moved to an early hour than supposed. Which ended up with Haruto waking up from his nap past tiring flight to Jaehyuk screaming at him they were super late and apologizing for his small mistake.

It's his first time on the office since it was modified, but he can already feel the presence of everyone who once made part of his daily life in small things on the room.

There are five desks on the center of the room. And other four distributed along the walls adjacent to another rooms, Yuma's room, and the team's break room.

In one of the desks, he can see a familiar photo.

It was taken somedays after his departure to Korea became official. Back then, neither him nor Asahi had told anyone yet. It shows him, Akira, Mashiho, Yuma, Asahi, Fumiko, Daisuke and Fuma, at this same room. Way before it became Fukuoka's Daily.

Back then, it was just a room that Yuma's parents had helped the girls and their son find to work on their small project. A blog about daily struggles of teenagers and young adults.

The room that's now being used as Yuma's office, was often used by the boys of the group to practice a little, more dancing and singing for fun than anything else.

Being there made Haruto nostalgic once more. Being in his hometown after so much time was already enough for it, but being in so many important places, was making his heart feel small on his chest.

It's funny how things changed.

Yuma had a serious injury during a dance competition that doesn't permit him to dance professionally anymore, that being the main reason why he didn't give up on the now Fukuoka's Daily.

Fuma and Mashiho never searched for an idol career and were now very well known for their dancing and choreographies. They were often called by companies to work as back up dancers for their most known artists, being it for award shows performances or for world tours, but also called to build choreographies for rookies to bust their popularity. Haruto would often see them in Korea. And even if their friendship wasn't the same anymore, they would still hang out together and have a good time when they had space for it on their busy schedules.

Those were the only moments Haruto would let himself feel the taste of what he had left behind, and it usually didn't feel sweet.

______

He doesn't know exactly when it happens, but he's sure it's not like book or movies describe it to be.

Even though it's been years since Haruto last seen her, his world doesn't stop when Akira enters the room with both Yuma and Asahi. The three laughing and smiling to each other. His ex and, as far as he knows, her friend and chief, being almost glued by the hip.

Haruto doesn't stop himself from staring at their movements, a painful feeling on his chest as he acknowledges how they seem a little too close, way more close than he remembers. And when Yuma's arms find their way to Akira's waist and don't leave, the woman not even seeming to notice the gesture, he's almost sure he knows the answer of the why.

He also knows he's not being careful with his gaze, who's probably a little too bitter, but it's not like he can control it. After all, Jaehyuk had already noticed where he's looking at, himself looking too.

But not by the same reason.

"It's been a long time since I've seen Asahi smile this big to someone. And I finally found out why he seemed so eager to come but was also reticent.", the manager thinks, mentally sighting while looking back at his artist behavior, Haruto needs to get his actions controlled soon or things can escalate too far.

The manager haves his thoughts interrupted by a blond, small female that seems to have run towards Jaehyuk and Haruto.

– Haruto-kun! – her voice is a little too excited, the Korean thinks, but before his manager mood switches back on, the one who was called is hugging the female by his own choice.

"I think someone forgot to tell me they know all the team members of this blog, gosh. I almost had a heart attack thinking she was a crazy fan."

– Hyung, this is Fumiko-chan. – Haruto introduces his friend – She's the writer I told you about a couple of times already!

She seems surprised by the Japanese words.

– First, – she changes her gaze from Haruto to the older man – it's a pleasure to finally meet the famous manager who's been taking care of our Ruto-kun and Sahi-kun. Thank you for it. – she smiles to Jaehyuk, her eyes becoming crescent moons and a dimple on her left cheek gains life, before bowing to him. Her words don't look fake and after the small things Jaehyuk has heard about the departure of the rapper and the photographer, he's glad by them. – Second, – She looks back to their common friend – you talked about me?

The taller man rolls his eyes.

– Of course, I did! I even showed them some of your works!

They talk by themselves a little, arguing about the fact the woman doesn't seem to think her work is worth being talked about.

It's kind of funny to watch, Haruto is almost one and a half heads taller than the woman besides him. It kind of looks like he's bickering with a child or a teenager. And it is very noticeable there's a little tension on the man's side.

Jaehyuk knows it's because he was afraid his old friends were still mad with him and were going to treat him like a totally stranger.

– I'm sorry to interrupt, but weren't we supposed to be on a meeting right now?

That seems to stop their bickering.

– Oh, didn't Akira-chan or Asahi-kun tell you? We changed the meeting time not because of the meeting itself, but because we wanted to have a little reunion with both Haruto-kun and Asahi-kun. It's been a long time since we could see each other and have a talk. We all miss them a lot. – she sighted but her happy expression didn't disappear– I wish Mashiho-kun and Fuma-kun were also here.

Haruto it's totally surprised by Fumiko's words. But the surprise in his face soon is replaced by pure happiness and he opens a big smile.

"Asahi isn't the only one that looks happier since their arrival. They have a different vibe here, and a different shine in their eyes."

– I was about to ask you or the others about those two. I know Mashiho-kun was visiting his family back to Mie, but I didn't know Fuma-kun isn't around either.

– Fuma-kun was called to Tokyo by last minute three days ago. It seems that a big group who's about to tour Japan had asked for a large dance group from the company he works with, and they specifically requested him. I think he'll stay there for like a week more and they'll soon come here 'cause the second or third tour stop it's our town.

– One more week? – Jaehyuk doesn't want to say anything, Haruto knows they are supposed to stay only for five days, even though his schedule it's clean for almost three weeks after the campaign, it was not on the original plan for them to stick around for that long – I'll try to stay that much. – he gives a big pleading look to his manager, as he knows the Korean will not be able to say no to him.

______

There is a lot of tension in the room during the groups little reunion that starts to loosen only thanks to Asahi, Fumiko and Daisuke that tried their best to make Jaehyuk don't feel out of place and made everything to make the conversation go simple and effective until Akira seemed more relaxed to be on the same place as her ex. There were a lot of intern jokes going forth and back between them, but never once Jaehyuk had seen his friend and his boyfriend this carefree, now that his manager side was completely turned off, he was able to finally enjoy seeing two of his closest people seem so relaxed and happy. So, he didn't really mind being left out on their talk sometimes.

Haruto finally looked like he was home, even though tension was still in the air.

And it amazed the Korean how it was only needed a couple of people and his hometown to make Haruto look this relaxed in years.

"I wish I had fought a little more to make this possible sooner.", was the only thing on his mind as he couldn't help but feel a little guilty that, as Haruto's manager, he only now, five years later, manage to bring the younger back to Japan, and just because it was for work.

Deep inside he knows it's not actually his fault, after all he has long lost count of how many times he and the rest of the trio managers had pleaded the company to give them a rest, to let them go see their family and friends, to let them leave the dorms and enjoy life a little outside their idol work. But while the leader, Hyunsuk, had made it, for the two foreign members, it had always been a big no since they had to leave the country for it. Even if the managers had said they would pay the expenses themselves, it was still a no for them. It came to the point they had given up on trying every damn time.

That's why, when athletia had contacted him to get Haruto for a campaign in his hometown, Jaehyuk had said yes almost right away, even if it got him scolded and almost fired, he had to make it happen.

In the end, Yoshi's manager had, with Jaehyuk's and Hyunsuk's manager help, made a plan to clear the boys schedule for enough time to all of them have almost a full month on their own.

They had too many meetings with the headquarters, and it was needed another hell hours working overtime to manage them to give the trio their deserved rest and time to themselves. But it was more than worth it.

In the end, the managers ended being the ones without real holidays, at least not officially, since one of the rules about the group's holiday was that them had to be taken care by the managers to have sure nothing of major was going to happen.

"And they better be ready to go full on work the moment they arrive back in Seoul.", they had said.

Yoshinori had gone to Japan too, but was on his own hometown, Kobe, while Hyunsuk was on a small family trip to Busan, as far as he knew.

Archiving this time for the group was good enough, but having Asahi with him and Haruto was just a bonus.

He was not on holidays himself, as mentioned, but having his boyfriend on his side, would help to haze the stress.

The Osaka man was very known for his photographic works, as well for his productions and compositions, so it was not a surprised when athletia asked for him to work on the campaign as well.

When Asahi found out, he was the one who mentioned Fukuoka's Daily and how it would be a bust to the rappers' career if they invested a little more on their Japan public.

They were already very hyped there, mostly thanks to the Japanese members, without much publicity and promo, imagine if they invested for real on the Japanese market.

What Jaehyuk and the company were not aware is that the blog was from Haruto's old friend group, and much less that his ex-girlfriend was also part of the team. He still wanted to curse Asahi for hiding it from him. But they had already had a fight about it, and he was not willing to let this become bigger than it should.

Jaehyuk couldn't care less about it if only his friend part could have a say about it, for more that he knew his friend wouldn't be stupid enough (he hoped so) to put his and his friend's career on the spot, his manager side knew if it someway got to the upper ones of the company, it would not end well. For him, for Haruto and for Asahi.

They just need to be especially careful about their steps.

______

A couple of hours after the meeting with Haruto, Jaehyuk and Asahi with the FD's team, Akira enters the rest room and almost haves a heart attack by finding Haruto there.

She didn't know he was still around and looking back to the main room she understands why. Asahi is still talking with Daisuke, probably about their photographic works since both have switched their cameras and were looking at each other photos. A look to Yuma's office it's enough to see there's someone else with the owner, she assumes it's Jaehyuk.

She'll probably not say it out loud, but she loved meeting him. She felt like a fake weigh was lifted from her shoulders now she's sure her friend's boyfriend is this sweet and caring, but very professional when needed. The way he handled the meeting and ended up the one dotting the way it went said a lot about him.

And she was also grateful that it was someone like him that ended up being Haruto's manager. It was almost palpable the care the Korean had for the younger.

She doesn't work directly on their industry but has heard enough on backstages and others to know that not everyone is this lucky.

Going back to Haruto, he's fast asleep, or he seems to be, on the sofa on the center of the room.

Trying to not wake him up, she fills up her cup with tea and gets a sip from it before she stops.

Haruto is sleeping right next to her, all curled up on himself trying to fit on the sofa, since he's a little too tall to lay fully stretched out. He's also using his jacket to cover his upper body and Akira can't stop herself from feeling a little uncomfortable.

Half because it's been a long time since they last saw each other, half because she couldn't help but worry about his clearly uncomfortable position on the couch.

She sighted mentally, it had been too long since they were this close, and she didn't know how to feel. Her emotions were all over the place.

Gosh, for the full evening, she couldn't even look at him once without feeling like she was about to burst out.

The little reunion time for the group was good, she'll not lie, but it was so hard at the same time.

She felt his stare on her almost the full time, and also how he would, sometimes, look at Yuma and how the older between the three was always either touching her or very close to her.

She knows what Haruto is probably thinking about it, and she hates the fact she wants to explain everything to him.

Her thinking moment stopped when, because Haruto moved a little on his sleep, the jacket ends up falling to the floor.

Akira sights, but moves quietly to pick it up, but instead of putting it back on him, she replaces it by a blanket that they always leave there for situations like this, when someone ends up taking a small nap there.

She's ready to leave Haruto's side, pick up her cup and leave the room after tucking the blanket on him, when a hand stops her.

– Akira?

Haruto's deep voice startled her a little, more than the hand that stopped her.

It had been so long since she last heard his just woken up voice. She had forgotten how much deep it was. Funny, she should had expected that since his normal voice had only got deeper too. How she wished it didn't had power on her anymore. You would expect she had gotten immune to it by now, but it was far from it.

She looks at him, his eyes are barely open, he's clearly half asleep, half-awake because his eyes are quick to close again. But the tight hold on her doesn't low. She bites her lip and softly tries to take his hand from her wrist.

"Really, Ruto-ya?", her thoughts stops just like she does on her spot on the room, "Oh my god, did I just use his nickname?" she uses her not occupied hand to slap her forehead before trying to loosen the hold again, this time a little more vigorously.

She just didn't expect him to use full force and push her to fall on his chest, knees on the floor.

He opens his eyes again, by how close their faces are now, she can see his vison is not focused and looks distant, fogged, and something clicks on her, his medication.

"So, it's like this he gets when he takes them... Now I get it..."

– What's happening...? Is this a dream? – Haruto's voice is grog and slow, but he is slightly more awake than previously.

Akira decides to just act like nothing is happening. She knows he'll soon fall back asleep if she doesn't move. Even if it's a very hard thing to do.

She waits and ends up looking from his eyes to his lips, without noticing. But she quickly realizes and changes her gaze to the eyes again. "I shouldn't have entered when I saw him."

She doesn't exactly know how much time passes, but Haruto falls asleep again, this time letting his hold on her go.

She gets up right away but doesn't leave. Instead, she fills up a thermos with the same tea she was drinking before and lefts it on the table next to his jacket, a simple way of saying it's for him that she hopes he'll understand.

If she remembers right, that tea will help him with his sleep, or she hopes it will.

She wanted it comfortable, I wanted that pain

She wanted a fiancé, I was making my own name

Chasing that fame, she stayed the same

All of me changed like midnight

– You still love him, don't you? – Yuma words shouldn't startle Akira so much, but she can't help it.

She doesn't have any idea of how to answer his question too.

She thinks back to today, how she couldn't stand looking at Haruto. How she couldn't ignore the shivers she feels knowing he is right there, that he's looking at her, breathing the same air. That they're only inches apart and no longer miles as it was for years.

Akira doesn't look at Yuma, instead she plays with her cup, filled with a cheap wine.

– I'm sorry... – she says, and she really means it – I'm stupid, aren't I?

She doesn't need to look up to know her friend is looking at her with a pained look, just like a couple of months ago. A look he likes to pretend he knows how to hide, but Akira has long mastered on decode his actions.

She wished things could be different, but she can't control her feelings, no matter how much she wishes she could.

– You know? – Yuma speaks up, a low tone that sends Akira alert, because that tone also leaves her heart beating fast – When athletia  contacted me I wished that with Haruto here you would understand that perhaps you no longer loved him... – he drinks his cup, emptying it and refiling right away – I guess it was hopeless and I should have known right away, shouldn't I?

They don't say anything for quite a while. The chatter from the other tables at the small restaurant they are at echoes on their mind, but it's not registered by either of them. Both trying to get their thoughts and feelings sorted.

– You know my feelings for you, for fuck's sake, everyone around us knows too. – his voice trembles, it sounds broken but resigned too – After Haruto went to South Korea, I never thought I would fall for you, but taking care of you and your broken heart made it happen somehow and I just wish I could turn back time and tell my younger self to not do it. – Akira feels her eyes start to fill with water, it hurts, too much. The words, the situation and much more because her heart aches too when it shouldn't, not like this – I waited your time, I let myself stay only in your shadow until that night. – he lets a chuckle leave his mouth, shakes his head a little and dries his eyes – I let my hopes go high for nothing and after that every time I bravely tried take a step closer to you, it either felt wrong or something would happen. I wanted to take a bigger step, try harder, but this last step was never meant to happen between us, was it? – if Akira couldn't look at his eyes on the start, now she couldn't not look at him, she was aware they were catching attention as he was still speaking, not too loud for anyone other than them to understand but people around could see her cry – I made up my mind long ago, that I would let you go, but I still needed more time. I wanted just a little more of you still. – he stops, eyes never leaving Akira's face – Now that Haruto is back, I feel like I'm being punished, and I feel like what I did to get closer to you was rather building a wall between us. And I hate it. I hate how much it hurts, how much I still hope you'll be mine one day, how much my heart tells me to not let go while my mind and body are just tired of trying to break down the wall between us. – he tries to catch his breath, since he said that too fast, emotions raw on the words – It just breaks my heart repeatedly because I know you'll never be mine.

– I'm sorry, Yuma. I just... – she chokes on her silent cry, hand going to her face to dry the tears on her cheeks and eyes. She nervously bites her lips – I like you too, Yuma. I just haven't let go of Haruto completely yet. And I'm so sorry for that. I never intended to hurt you. That's why I never let you give the big step, that's why I built a wall between us after we slept together. I could not bear being with you knowing Haruto still lives on my heart. It was not fair to you.

– And should I be grateful for that? – his words are bitter and sarcastic; they sting like a wound freshly made – But I don't really blame you for everything. And I'm going to tell you something as your friend only. Something someone told me before. – he waits a little before speaking, like he's asking permission to do so – If the best thing for you is to go your own way, that's fine. It's not good to stay in something that has already died just because the memories are good. Is not really that worth it.

Akira stays silent, digesting the words, and the meaning behind them.

Yuma just told her what he's doing, letting go of her, and what she should do too, regards Haruto.

It seems to have penetrated to the bottom of her soul, because she was completely taken aback.

Yuma gets up from his chair, but before leaving, he speaks one last thing:

– We sometimes get attached to a memory and the good feeling it brings us and that's why we find ourselves unable to let go of someone who no longer can or wants to be in our life. But it shouldn't be the end of the world. This life is long enough for us to just always create more and more memories with other people, other places, other things. We just have to want it.

And he just leaves her there when his words were no longer audible.

Akira didn't want to confess, but what he said made perfect sense and acknowledging it just made her heart break once again.

So, she just silently cries out the heavy feeling of her chest that comes with knowing she not only lost Yuma and will lose Haruto once again soon, she also somehow lost herself too on the path.

It came like a postcard

Picture perfect shiny family

Holiday peppermint candy

But for her, it's every day

So I peered through a window

A deep portal, time travel

All the love we unravel

And the life I gave away

'Cause she was sunshine, I was midnight rain

It's late when Akira arrives home. Head heavy by the alcohol and Yuma's words.

"Why am I not over him yet?", she can't stop asking herself. A tiny part of her brain tells her that she always knew Haruto would always be on her heart, no matter how much time has passed, no matter how much he hurt and broke her in the past. "Back then it was each other's fault, he could have done things differently, but so could I."

It stings knowing she's breaking herself and others because of her stupid heart.

Something tells her to stop on her tracks, and when she does, she thinks she needs to check her eyes prescription, or perhaps she drank more than she recalls. There's no way Watanabe Haruto it's on her doorstep this late at night.

– Why are you here?

Hearing her voice, Haruto moves to be able to face her. He doesn't answer her question, and Akira doesn't make him to, at least not yet, even if it makes the atmosphere weird.

– I heard you moved back here while you're visiting. Is that why you're here? – she tries instead.

Because she hates silence when it comes to them.

She knows Haruto chose to stay with his parents while being in Fukuoka. She gets him. Even if millions of people know by now that house it's his family house and usually go there have a look at it, it's still the house where he grown up and where his family lives, which is probably what he misses more about his hometown.

– Oh... – it's the only thing he says before approaching her a little more, making him scrunch his face a little – Have you been drinking? – it was not his intention to be rude, but his words left his mouth before he could properly think of them.

– What? – that was the last thing she thought he would say – I, I di-... – she hesitates before remembering that, first, she doesn't own him anything, and second, she's an adult and there's no problem with drinking – Yeah, but... – she pauses, trying to not make a fool of herself – Again, why are you here at this hour? – Akira doesn't intend to sound rude either but it's how her words ended up feeling like to the man in front of her.

– I just... I don't know... I came out for a walk, and I think my feet moved on their own, since they were so used to it before – they exchange an awkward smile, the atmosphere shifting slightly once again – and I only realized how late it was when I got here so I was actually about to leave...

He wasn't, but she doesn't need to know he's lying.

– So... you came just because? – Akira doesn't stop or scolds herself from feeling disappointed about it.

Instead, she blames the alcohol from letting her have her emotions so uncontrollable.

Haruto frowns, he doesn't know if he has the right to react how he wants to at those words. But Akira doesn't let him think too much about it either, since she starts speaking once again.

– I'm really tired right now, Ruto-ya... – "so tired you probably didn't even hear your own words" Haruto smiles, it's been a while since he heard that nickname come out of her mouth. It warms his heart she even still uses the Korean honorific that she only used because of him, since she was there when he first started learning Korean because of his dream – I'll let you go then, hope you enjoy the rest of your night walk.

The black-haired girl tries to pass past him but ends up tripping, which makes Haruto hold her by her arms, trying to steady both since she falls against his chest.

– You, okay? You seem pretty drunk. – he can't stop himself from asking, preoccupied about the others state.

– I'm fine, you know I don't get that drunk easily. – it's true, she knows how to handle her alcohol just fine, better than a lot of people he knows, him included. That's why the way she's acting makes him worry – I'm just very tired, it's been a long day.

For both. That's why he doesn't question further, even though he wants to.

He wants to ask about Yuma and why does it look like they've grown closer than he remembers them being.

He wants to ask about why everyone tried so hard to not left them alone on the same room the last days.

And mostly, he wants to ask her why it is so hard for them to even look at each other for more than a few seconds.

Because it hurts more than it should, and Haruto knows it's nothing more than his own actions consequences.

– You see... – he hesitates – About the other day... It was you, right? The one who left the tea thermos...

– Yes, it was me. – there is no reason to hide from him, she knows it – You were drunk of sleep... not awake but not really sleeping, so I thought it was better to leave than ending up waking you for real.

– Hmm. I was... I was not drunk of sleep, I'm almost sure... – he rubs his hand over his face, a clear sign of nervousness or maybe ashamed for what he is about to openly share with her – You know I take pills to sleep... They make me... Hm... Look drunk? Yeah, I guess. – he shrugs his shoulders.

– I... – she doesn't know what to say, she already knew about the pills, Airi, Haruto's sister, once accidently told her about them, but she didn't know he knew she knows about it.

She didn't even know he's so open to talk about it with anyone, much more her.

– Did I fall back asleep before or after you left?

– I think you did before...? I don't really know...

– Oh, I see. – there's a stop on the conversation, like Haruto didn't knew if he should say what he really wanted to, because he knows she's lying.

And Akira understood right away he knew more than he was showing, and she needed to get home before things escalated too far.

– Did you stay up until this late only to ask me that? You could've called or even asked Yuma-kun or Asahi-kun to tell me... – she avoids eye contact, the man in front of her doesn't seem to like the idea of talking about these things through others – I'll head inside now. – she bites her lip and doesn't let him digest her words – Bye. I'll see ya. – she tries to leave, even gets to step a little far, but he stops her, again.

– Then you can pretend like you don't remember tomorrow? – his words make her stop; she closes her eyes in defeat while exhaling sharply – It wasn't a dream. Everything about the last days was not a dream. – he stops for a few seconds that feel like ages to her before starting again, his voice rises slightly. Raised enough to make her tremble a little – Why are you acting as it was? Why are you lying? To me and yourself too? Akira... – he stops again, waiting to see any reaction that never comes before he goes again, his voice softer once again – Akira... – this time she faces him again, tears starting to form on her eyes because she knows what will come next.

Her heart it's heavy, it hurts and it's also beating like crazy, like it used to when they were once young. But at the same time, she knows it's all too different, they're not teenagers anymore, and the beating of her heart it's not because she loves him, it's because she's afraid of the consequences of this talk that was delayed too far.

They have changed too much, and her anxiety is kicking because she no longer knows what to expect from their encounters. Everything she ever imagined didn't happen until now, and she knows that in fact it will never happen.

They'll never have the calm reencounter she dreamed and hoped, much less they'll go back to how it used to be.

– Is this right? – it's possible to hear his hurt – Is it right for us to be like this? – he gets closer to her again, close enough their breaths mix and there are only a few millimeters between their noses to touch – It's us of all people. Our love wasn't lukewarm, – both have tears on their eyes, tears that hold too much to be kept inside for much longer – and neither was our breakup. – that words hurt on Akira's pride, their breakup was much more than necessary because of her, and her pride – Now that we're reunited, even if it's just for a while, we can at least say "hello.", "how have you been?", "was it hard to you too?", "are you happy?". Can't we tell each other these things? Can't we talk at all? – he stops talking once again, tries to control the tears and his irregular breathing.

It feels too much to take this out of his chest. They always struggled to put their feelings on words when it came to face to face moments and now is no different. That's why this conversation keeps getting heavier and stronger.

This is not only about their breakup, but it's also not only about him being back.

It's hard to admit, but there's a lot of things about their previous relationship that they had decided to simply ignore and were now coming to the surface.

Sensing she's not about to talk, he takes it as an opportunity to keep talking.

– Can't we really talk? Because I want to. I wanna be able to look you in the eyes and ask you those things. – "and other things too", he adds on his head, stopping his speech to take a step back from their closeness and finally breaking eye contact, trying to ease a little of the tension he feels – Can I? – she still doesn't say anything, so he takes that as a yes and asks her – How have you been? Was it hard for you? – but doesn't wait for her answer, he knows it will not come – Because it was for me. Too hard. Too scary. Too lonely. I almost gave up so many times. – he laughs – You know what stopped me from giving up? You did. – she's surprised to hear about it, and the Japanese man can't stop thinking he wish he could turn back time and make things so different. But he can't, so he needs to try easing them now that he haves a small chance – I couldn't give up on the thing I gave up you for. – he smiles, a smile that doesn't reach his eyes – A selfish thought perhaps? But in my mind, I couldn't give up on being an idol now that I had lost you on the name of it. I wish I did things differently back then, but I can't change the past, can I?

Akira doesn't know what to say, she doesn't think she even can speak on the moment.

She wants to tell him that she wishes their last walk to her house all that time ago was not their last one. 

She wishes to tell him the day they crafted the initials they left on the bench next to his parents' restaurant even before they dated, still hold one of her favorite memories.

She wants to tell him to not forget that their memories mean more than anything to her.

She wishes she could tell him she still haves his old hoodie he once lent her, that she still can feel his presence when she wears it, even though his scent on it has been long gone.

She wants to tell him she wishes they could turn back to how they used to be, that she knows that their present could had been so different if she, no, if both had chosen just one different word on their last talk.

She wishes she could tell him everything she couldn't before.

But her breath it's unsteady, her eyes full of tears, and even though her heart feels like it's once again being squeezed out of her chest, she can only think she wants Haruto holding her in his arms.

So, instead of saying all that, she fulfills that small wish, because she doesn't stop herself from crashing against his chest, arms on his waist, holding tighter and crying her eyes out.

And even though both know they can't be this selfish, they let themselves be just for that night.

One more night without sharing everything would not harm more than 5 years waiting, right?

______

A couple of days after his arrival, Haruto is awake by no other than his manager and his best friend.

Both Jaehyuk and Asahi hold gazes that tell him something is wrong, and maybe he'll not like the consequences of whatever he has done this time.

– Did you see Akira-chan outside the company these days? – that's the first thing Asahi says, he doesn't even let him wake completely – Yesterday, to be more specific. – his voice is calm, but he knows it's just a facade to not alarm him.

Haruto gulps, "I think I have an idea on what's going on." He rubs his face, trying to make the sleep go away, as well as trying to look a little more presentable, even if the two are his closest friends.

– They have pictures and videos of you, Haruto. – Jaehyuk starts, a worried expression on his face, and something else on his eyes that the Japanese can't recall – And the company acted behind my back and found themselves a way to try make it edible by your fans. – that woke up Haruto right away.

– What do you mean the company handled it themselves?

They never do that, and Haruto knows it. If there's something YGE it's known for between fans and idols, it's the way they handle dating rumors.

By not addressing them at all unless the artist does it themselves or asks their manager to or by releasing the famous "we can't deny or confirm anything because it's our artist personal life and we have nothing to do with it" when in fact they have a lot to do with it.

After all, most of the times rumors only happen because the company wants to. "It will bust your career; you'll be the talk of the town for a while and that always gets new people to listen to old content". They don't care if it ends up backfiring, since they'll receive money either way.

– See it for yourself. – Jaehyuk gives him his personal phone.

The one who only his close friends and family have the number for. He doesn't need to check the other to know he probably can't use it right now since it must have been crashed up by millions of posts, comments, and others about the scandal.

The phone that was handed to him it's opened on an article from one of that various idol's gossip websites.

He doesn't read the title, he knows it's something close to "Meet Watanabe Haruto's New Lover", instead he jumps right to the corps of it.

South Korea-based rapper Watanabe Haruto is rumored to be interested in a non-celebrity woman right after their skin ship had gone viral across social media platforms: a low-quality video and pictures of the Japanese musician drying up the woman's tears after both share a long hug on the middle of his hometown, Fukuoka.

Both the video and pictures were shared on SNS by an anonymous user who claims to be a fan of the rapper that was spending holidays on his hometown and didn't even had idea he was there too. Since OP is a foreigner, she told on her post she doesn't recognize the woman with him but says it's obvious they are very close.

According to an article on Naver, the woman on the video had been on Watanabe's radar for a while, reportedly catching his eye back in one of the previous and secret travels back home from the rapper since he left for Korea chasing his dream.

"They are believed to have swapped numbers in one of these encounters. It could all just be for professional purposes," – the rumor says the woman haves influence on music department in Japan – "but they are seen bantering, enjoying each other's company outsider business encounters" said one anonymous insider.

There's still no official information on who this mysterious woman is, as well as no statement from the artist's company, leaving fans on divided opinions since the rapper has been on rumors of dating fellow YG's soloist, Kim Junkyu, since almost the start of his short career.

What do you think? Is one of the youngest Korea's artists to ever win a daesang (along with its members) in a relationship or not?

@wtnbharu: don't do this to me haruto, i trusted you  😭

@rurruw: does this mean we'll get more hit love songs? I'M READY

@7chilli: hope they were not fighting, since she was crying :(

@yshi13: hope it was nothing major and if this is true, they're ok now, they seem pretty cute by the way

↳  @kJunk: you literally just saw a 144p video and photos where you can't even distinguish their body from the background what do u mean with they're cute?!???

@hJK: i guess this means my ship is not sailing lol however i just wish haruto to be happy, that boy deserves it

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– Are they stupid? – it's the first thing Haruto says after reading the article – They need to be. I know they love to make themselves human and lie about me visiting Japan on a regular basis, but this has gone too far. – he exhales sharply – And Akira being someone who haves influence on the music industry?

– They obviously have gone mad, sooner or later someone will recognize Akira-chan on the videos. And things will blow up on you. Worst, on our hyungs too. – Asahi is clearly mad – They should had waited for Jaehyuk to tell them what to say. Plus, it looks like they're trying to make you seem like someone who would date to rise on their career too.

– I advise you to not use your SNS phone, and to answer our hyungs texts or call them right away. – it doesn't take long to notice Jaehyuk it's still on his manager agenda and he exhales before a switch on his voice and expression is shown – What the hell were you thinking going out to her house that late at night? And to be so opened on affection on the streets? I know you still have feelings for her, whatever those are, but you need to be rational, Haruto! You know it!

– Hyung... – he's tired of the same talk all the time, but can he blame Jaehyuk for always reminding him? – I'm sorry, I just didn't think one of my saesangs would be here... Because there's no way this person was really just a pass by fan, not that late at night.

– We know, Ruto-ya. We know. It's just... – Asahi's face shows a small reassuring smile, making his dimple show, and he seems to be thinking about the right words to say – You and Akira have a history who needs to be taken care of, you can't keep going like this. The fact that the world it's a step away from finding out about all that happen back then, will not help.

– You're afraid she'll close herself to me again.

Haruto doesn't need his friend to explain further, he feels the same way as him. Actually, he knows that's what's gonna happen next.

If Akira was willing to talk with him step by step again because of the other night, she probably doesn't feel like that anymore.

Things got, once again, too big for the two to handle alone. But this time, it was not exactly their fault.

Haruto gets startled when his phone rings, "Yoshi YG" on the display name. The red-haired boy is requesting a videocall on the group the rapper trio haves.

– HYUNG! He finally picked up! – it's the first thing the Japanese hears after answering the call.

– He did? – Hyunsuk is heard on the back of his own video and is soon seen on the screen along with Yoshi.

– Since when you got yourself a girlfriend, Haruto?

– Yoshi! – the purpled hair guy screamed.

– Hyung! – he whined – I just wanna know what's happening! You do too.

– Yes, we both want to hear it from him and not from Dispatch or Naver, but at least be a little sensitive! You didn't even ask him how he has been! – his eyes are wide open, and his voice makes clear he is trying to scold Yoshinori.

Haruto ends up chuckling with their bickering, along with his two friends on his side and someone on Hyunsuk's.

The younger doesn't need to check to know it's Park Jihoon, after all, his laugh it's quite unique.

– Jihoon-hyung, you don't need to hide yourself, you know it, right? – Haruto smirks along Yoshi seeing that the older on the calls gets flustered.

– Hey, don't change the subject! This call is about you, mister Watanabe Haruto! – the calm moment ends at the same time Jihoon appears on the call, back hugging Hyunsuk and making himself comfortable and seen on camera – Now tells us what's happening. – the older says while pouting.

Everyone on Fukuoka's side of the call sights. And Haruto tries his best to not let his emotions full show on his face.

– What do you want to know? – he eyes Asahi, hoping his friend understands he will need help explaining the full situation.

______

Akira doesn't know how react; she should have known this could happen.

– You know it's not your fault, right? – Daisuke tells her – They don't even know it's you, it's a good thing, right? – he tries to reassure her.

– An article about this is never a good thing to the involved, Daisuke. Even if I'm unknown to them. We both know it...

– How did Yuma-kun react...?

Akira knew her friends would ask her about it, but she couldn't not sight hearing that question.

The full situation was already exhausting without the media being involved, now it's much worst.

She's not afraid of Yuma's reaction, but of his lack of it.

Specially after their last talk.

– I don't really know... He doesn't answer my calls or texts and still hasn't come to work today, has he? I don't know what to do anymore.

Everyone is worried about him.

Yuma is the chief after all. Plus, they're all very close, since most know each other since school days.

They know Akira and Yuma's story, if it can be called that. Gosh, they even know about the Akira and Haruto's situation. How could they not be worried?

"Everything is a mess right now. I don't even know how the hell will I face Yuma. Or anyone."

The situation is not only hurting her or affecting only her.

It's affecting Haruto, his group mates, Yuma, her friends, every single one that's close enough with the ex-couple. And she only wants everything to end.

"This is getting repetitive. Why is this even happening again?"

She no longer knows if being left in the dark by Haruto about everything is really that bad when this is the reality she needs to face if she's really welling to talk and maybe become acquaintance of Haruto again.

"There should be a manual about how to be close with someone who's on the spotlight. I really don't know how to act now, and they still don't know it's me, I can't even imagine how it will be if everyone finds out who I am."

______

A couple of days have passed since the first article came out. There's still no evidence someone recognized Akira, but the rapper, his team, her, and their friends are still worried about it coming to daylight. But one thing they know, the ex-couple can't be seen together.

Even if they still have a campaign and interview to work on.

That's why Akira feels like Haruto has gone mad too because he's currently on her favorite place. It's almost a secret place, but still public anyways. It would not be the first time a saesang chases him, who can guarantee they're not going to follow him there as well?

They're on a small viewpoint that only the elders know about besides her, and of course, the man that's now beside her. It is close to her grandma's old house, being her go-to place when she needs time alone. And she once had told Haruto about it.

It's raining, which makes the view almost breath taking. Akira always loved it when she needed a break from the city, especially when it was raining. It felt like the rain washed all her worries, but also the noise that living in Fukuoka came with.

Haruto had come half prepared this time. A black mask on his face, covering it almost fully. Unless you look too closely, you can't recognize him. An umbrella on his right hand, keeping him safe from the pouring water.

– What are you doing here? – Akira almost screams, half to be heard because of the rain, half because she's kinda mad he's there – Are you insane?

– I went on another late-night walk to think last night. – he says after taking his mask, "he totally went insane."

– What does it have to do with me? – none of them talk for some moments – What possibly have you think about that it needs to be told to me? – she looks at the clock on her wrist – At four fucking in the morning?

It's like the rain is a paid actor because it keeps getting heavier with time, as well as the atmosphere around them does.

He doesn't talk for a while, he knows it's late (or too early?), but he needs to talk with her. Once for all, he guesses, or he's going insane for real soon. He sights, before speaking what's been on his mind since even before his departure to Korea years ago.

– I was thinking about why I've come to you again, like in the past. The other night, yesterday, today, I always end up coming to you, no matter where you are. – he exhales sharply, plays with his fingers but doesn't stop pouring his words on her – I must be cursed. For fuck's sake, I'll even do a campaign with your blog. How did that happen? – he stops to get his breath steady again, he also knows it's half his fault that they're now working together, but that's only a small detail to a very complicated situation – You know? You should've said it back then. Tell it on my face. The damn reason why.

– It's me again? It's my fault? I don't even know what you're talking about, Haruto. – their voices are starting to get louder.

– Yes. It's you again. And I'm sick of it, it's you again, again and again. All the damn time!

– Then just go. – she screams at his face – Don't stand there. Just go! – but he doesn't answer or move – Ok, then I'll go myself!

He gets in front of her, not letting her go.

They stay like that for a while, on the pouring rain, holding eye contact, telling things to each other with it, things they don't dare even think about.

After some time, he goes as far as letting her have the umbrella with him being the one holding it, even if it means he'll get soaked by the rain.

– Should I leave, or should I stay? – she says, resembling words that once hunted both.

She knows the power that words hold. What they really mean between them. And that's why she doesn't hold them anymore.

It affects him, she knows, she can see it on his eyes. So, she repeats them. Strongly this time, refusing to let the eye contact go. Going as far as wishing he feels the same way she felt back then when he said that exact words to her five years ago.

– Should I leave, or should I stay? – when he doesn't answer once again, she takes a step to go but he stops her.

This time by pulling her by her arm and kissing her.

They are no fireworks, no butterflies on the stomach but neither were expecting it to be, they were never like that before why would it change now?

It's not a calm kiss, it's eager, it's aggressive, rushed, clumsy and filled with aroused desire. And it tells as much as their gaze on each other does.

It's sparks what feels like an electric current through them, an overwhelming mix of feelings.

Akira can feel the sorry, the hate, the surrender, and the love.

She feels confused by the mix of emotions, by how consuming it feels, and Haruto can feel it too.

That's why he holds her waist a little harder, softs the kiss and with the hand that's not occupied since the umbrella it's longer gone, he holds her cheek with caution, with love and care.

When the kiss ends, he doesn't drop his hand, actually, he dries her tears, tears she didn't even know she was producing until then.

Her heart still feels heavier, like on that night by her house, but this time, this time it doesn't hurt. She knows what their friends have been telling her it's true.

Haruto still loves her. And looking right back at his eyes while their foreheads are still connected, she knows her heart will once again be broken by this man.

Whatever, she can't bring herself to hate the idea of it.

Not anymore.

She wanted it comfortable, I wanted that pain

She wanted a fiancé, I was making my own name

Chasing that fame, she stayed the same

All of me changed like midnight rain

The chaos of the first rumor about them doesn't subside anytime soon, at least not that much before it erupts once again one week later.

This time, Haruto is not awake by the news, he's recording a mini vlog from his holidays when he gets a video call from Hyunsuk.

The first thing he registers when he picks up, it's his hyung face, it's clearly distressed, the next is the place he is. That's obviously an airport waiting room, and Haruto already knows something big is coming.

— Haruto, before I say anything else, this is not your fault in any way. — the call doesn't start promising either — Yoshi must arrive in half an hour too. — he stops Haruto from talking — Don't, Ruto. Let me explain as much as I can before getting on the plane. — he exhales heavily, eyes darting to something on the room he is in and not the phone — The company is sending us as a very bad way of trying to make damage control. We'll have a meeting when I arrive there to know what will happen next.

Hyunsuk stops talking when it seems to be heard a call to a flight on the back.

— I need to go, Ruto. Jaehyuk is probably going to talk to you about everything too, but I felt I needed to tell you first. — there's another sight as he rubs his face.

— Have a nice flight, hyung. — it's the only thing he manages to say before Hyunsuk ends the call.

Haruto tries his best to not get crazy about what he was just told.

He closes his eyes, trying to collect his thoughts but he can't stop thinking about what crazy idea the company can have to send the rest of the members to Fukuoka just for damaged control .

Worst, he can't stop feeling guilty for being the one who messed up and made his hyungs get there during their well-deserved holidays they waited so much for.

He only opens his eyes again when he hears Jaehyuk opening his house door, and just to give a very panic look to his manager as he enters his living room.

Jaehyuk is on the phone, eyes are wide open, as he reads something on it.

— Please tell me that is not another article. I can't handle this anymore. — the Japanese is clearly desperate.

— Wish I could tell you that. — and he shows him his screen once again.

Haruto feels like it's a déjà vu, and he hates it.

His manager phone shows an article dated from only 1 hour ago, but already has 2 million views.

" 고마워  (THANK YOU)" by ASAHI & Haruto rises up to #59 on the All-Genre Genius chart for the first time since release in light of recent events as fans find new meaning in the song!

This Friday morning, Korean and international fans of the rapper trio G.O.A.T., and consequently of Watanabe Haruto, were shocked to find out the mysterious woman that the Japanese was seen with a couple of weeks ago it's nothing more than a past love of his.

"I still remember seeing them being lovey-dovey during our school days to until a couple of days before he went to Korea", an anonymous insider says, "I was quite shocked to see their video and picture that day when I opened social media.". The person also told Naver that the ex-couple auditioned together for YG along the now photographer and producer on said company, Hamada Asahi, but as we know, only the two males got in. But "She was always very supportive of him, and Asahi. I don't think that was her real dream."

With this news, fans remembered an old interview of the duo when they released the "THANK YOU" track where Haruto revealed he wrote it thinking about someone very important of his that he left on his hometown and regretted the way he ended things with.

He said "I was resentful of myself for a long time, maybe I still am. But I wrote this song along Asahi-kun because I wanted to let everything go with it for real this time. Something along the lines of a real closure for us."

The lyrics talk about how he wants to thank this person for supporting him and holding his hand during his path and how he wants to be sure he will always have a manner of remembering this person despite him possibly forgetting their shared memories on the future ahead.

The rapper added "As I say on the song, I was never able to tell her how important she was, and still is, to me. Especially on our last days together. I was struggling with many things, one of them being how to handle the fact I was leaving her, my family, my friends, everything behind, and ended up messin' the situation more than it already was."

When asked why he said he messed up, he simply said that because of not being able to use the right words, they ended things on a very bad way and even himself wanted to slap him for it. He ended the explanation by saying that he hopes the person listened to the song and got his message.

With all this, fans speculate that the female was seen crying because they were sorting things out and maybe Watanabe was finally able to say the right things to this important person in his life. Some go as far as wishing they got back together or are at least on good terms now.

@wtnb7chill: so that's why she was cryin'... maybe it was even the first time they saw each other in years!

@goat1309: does this mean the first article completely miss leaded us?

↳ @asahidiary: oh gosh you're right, they tried to make this seem a totally different situation!

@7ch2104: i wanna talk with the first insider because he lied to us, but i wanna scream at this anonymous because what gave u the right to reveal all this personal information about them? besides haruto and asahi, none of them are real celebrities and you had no right to leak their faces and other things!

↳ @0515noriYS: the first insider was probably the company tryin' to ease the scandal, that's why they tried to mislead this onto something else, and this one? probably only wanted money, just because they went to the same school of our ruto :/

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______

Some hours later, when Hyunsuk and Yoshi, with their managers, are finally in Fukuoka, the group reunites on Haruto's house. His sister and parents being out to give privacy.

— Hyunsuk and Yoshi only came here to stay for some days. Just enough to end all your planned contract with athletia. Which you're so lucky they haven't cancelled yet.

Haruto rubs his hands on his face after hearing what Ko Song-Jin, Yoshi's manager, said.

— I don't know what to tell you, hyung. Besides that I'm sorry this is happening. And that I just wasn't expecting someone to finally reveal it to tabloids only now. It's been weeks, people were starting to forget it. Most people were buying what the company first shared and... — Haruto it's clearly stressed.

— That's exactly why they only opened their mouth now. — Yoshi says, joining their conversation — Whoever this person is, they are obviously trying to sabotage our next comeback. This is tiring because not only is messin' with our holidays, it will also have an impact on everyone's hard work...

— And with all this knew information? Next thing you know, they'll analyze every single song that you helped write. — Hyunsuk sights — I can already imagine what will happen next... — seeing his dongsaeng face of distress, the leader rapidly adds — There's nothing we can do now, Haruto, besides waiting for our company to release something, but I hope you know it will get hard once more, and worse than before, probably.

The trio doesn't say anything for a while, instead, both the elders hold the Japanese on a group hug, a silent way to tell him they're there for him.

— I'm sorry... — Haruto says, trying to not cry.

This is all too much.

— It's okay, Ruto-ya. We'll go through it. Together.

Hyunsuk's words only pain Haruto more.

They are a reminder that it's not only his career on the line, but also his hyungs'.

And the only one to blame is himself.

______

— They found out it's you!

Akira gets startled by her friend scream right when she gets to the shared work room on FD after a small break.

— What do you mean, Fumiko-chan?

— They found out it's you with Haruto-kun on the photos!

Akira stops on her tracks.

So does the world around her for a few seconds.

She knows that only means trouble. And she's not ready for it.

— How did that happen?

— Who was the genius from our school that decided it was good to open their dirty mouth? — Daisuke almost screams as he arrives from his break fuming.

— Don't tell me someone... — Akira doesn't even have time to finish her sentence.

— It's exactly that. — Yuma says also entering the room — Someone from our school gave an exclusive to Naver, and even shared pictures from our year schoolbook. They know who you are now. And not only you. After they shared it, some saesangs decided to also share their found-out information and shared all our friend group profiles on internet.

— Does that mean they know we work on FD? — Yuma only shakes his head, signaling yes — That means...

Daisuke who was still on his phone checking everything that was being said about them, gasped loudly.

— They're calling us two-faces! Saying we are using Haruto's name for our convenience, and he only helped us because of our friendship, which, second them, we don't deserve!

— I've been getting a lot of calls like that, from angry fans, journalists, and others. There are also some good calls. But most aren't. – he exhales sharply, eyeing the room, it's clear everyone is now stressed – And I also just got a call from athletia. They will not cancel the contract just yet because the situation brought some attention to them for now, but if it starts to be more of bad image to Haruto and them, they'll cancel it.

— That's only because dating is not seen that bad when it comes to Japan as it is in Korea. The moment they notice their sales decreasing in Korea, they'll cancel it right away.

Akira hates the breaking she feels right now hearing those words from Fumiko.

— I'm so sorry this is happening guys. This was such a good opportunity to us and now we'll lose it thanks to me and I...

She doesn't get to finish her sentence.

— Hey! It's not your fault, Ki-chan. — Yuma says, voice low, caring and Akira feels her heart warm when he hugs her, tight, caressing her head — It's gonna be ok. Don't worry, we're here.

______

But it doesn't get ok.

Both Haruto and Akira, but also their friends and team, already knew it wouldn't get better that soon.

Two weeks after the new information came out, and it was still hell to get to work from both sides.

If Haruto was forced on a small hiatus, not officially but still a hiatus, Akira was followed everywhere, as the others from FD were.

Everyone was eager to find more about their friendship with the idol and even Mashiho and Fuma were going through moments of agony with it, even though it's been a long time since their friendship with Haruto was known to the public.

Everything was like a torment for them, and it didn't seem it was going to end soon.

— What do you mean they want me in Korea right now?

— Haruto, you have already fulfilled your part of the contract now that you did the interview. We can't keep you here with the rumors going around. You’ve been here for longer than expected already.

— I'm not here because of Akira, Jaehyuk-hyung! You know it! This was never my intention! I came to spend time with my family and to help bust the group's popularity only.

— We both know it, Ruto, but the company doesn't care. You're already on unofficial hiatus, we don't want you to get on a worse situation...

— Worse? 

The Korean doesn't know what to say. So, he ignores the question.

— We're leaving tomorrow at the end of the day. I'm sorry, Haruto.

Haruto knows what this worse means, he knows what's gonna happen if he doesn't go back. And the only thing he knows is that he can no longer pretend this is alright.

______

"I should have known he would be here." It's what comes to Akira's mind when she finally finds Haruto after hours of searching.

He was on the roof of his parents' restaurant, a common place for the group meetings of their friends from school but also for the former couple's dates before Haruto and Asahi started training, and consequently had no time for them, and later left for Korea.

The roof is only used by the family, so it's a very quiet and calm place for a meeting and for late night conversations or just thinking without anyone to disturb you.

Something he adores to do from time to time.

She doesn't need more to know Haruto is there to do exactly that, gather his thoughts.

He's just a few days away from leaving once more, now that the campaign and the interview are done, and she knows he's having a hard time about it once again.

Last time she only made the situation much worse than it needed to be, but this time she wants to help easy it.

Haruto is laying down on his back on a mattress covered by a familiar sheet, his eyes are closed but Akira knows he's not sleeping.

— I had a hard time finding you this time, Haruto-kun.

He doesn't open his eyes but gives a playful and teasing smile.

— How did you find me, then?

— I just looked everywhere. Probably should had started from here, shouldn't I?

— Probably. – they spend a couple of minutes without saying anything, they don't need to.

The atmosphere around them it's still awkward since the kiss and the new articles, however, today, it seems they finally want to let go of that.

Just for the night. Just for a few moments. As both know it can be the last time they have a chance to.

— You know? – Akira whispers, like she's afraid a louder voice will break whatever silent agreement they did – It's been a while since I've been waiting for an opportunity for this. – Haruto doesn't seem to understand what she means, so he finally opens his eyes, and she understands his doubts right away – Drinking and eating, with you, face to face. It's what I meant. – she gestures around them – Right here. Just like we used to.

She finally enters his line of vision, and when he finally sits up, he can see the convenience store bags on her hands. They're full of snacks and beer.

So, they just eat and drink, with a calm talk with each other about everything and nothing, about the last days, without ever mention the past, just like there's a silent rule that prohibits them of doing it.

Everything about that moment it's just how it was on the past, their light late-night talks were a big package before. They used to carry their biggest secrets and their biggest love showing moments. They were important on their relationship.

However, even though it looks like they're back to when they were young and a couple, they both know it's just for a small amount of time. And both hate the feeling of knowing it.

It's only when it's long been since they ended their food and another, of many, new bottle of beer, fished from the bag by Haruto, gets on the table, they know they can't keep pretending everything it's okay between them.

— I hope this means we're no longer avoiding each other. – the woman's words are enough to make the singer understand their little calm moment it's about to end – You're not trying to make me leave, or leaving yourself, so I guess it's a good sign.

— I never avoided you, at least not because I wanted. – Haruto sights – We can't be seen together, not if I want to keep my company happy. And Jaehyuk to stop lecturing me.

Akira shakes her head to his last words. She gets Jaehyuk. She doesn't know the man that much, but she saw how stressed he seemed on the first time she saw him, or almost right after the first article came out, or when the she lost the count article was out after new photos of them were released, or even today, when he went to her asking for help to find Haruto because he's been missing since morning.

Haruto drinks another sip of his beer. He knows he's on the thin line of being sober (but feeling very light already) and the start of a very drunk state he doesn't want to be in while their talk is going on. He can't even hold eye contact with her even when he's sober, so he doesn't want to know what drunk Haruto would do.

But after they finally have this talk? Oh, he absolutely wants to get wasted and forget even his name.

— You don't seem to have an answer to what I said, do you? – Haruto knows his words had impact on her.

Just like in the past, the company was once again in their middle.

— What should I say? — Akira just hates the way her head tells her to be rude, but her heart it's heavy and hurting like hell because she can see he's not close to ok with how this situation is going, just like her — It's your career, Ruto-ya. It's your choice. It's always been your choice.

It's true.

Akira only broke up with Haruto at that time because she was hurt that he hid from her what was happening at the company, along with his departure to Seoul.

Yet she had also done it because she knew she was one of the reasons he was so reluctant to leave. She was just someone who would only slow him down and trap him in Fukuoka. She was far from wanting to be that person.

But she should had listened to her heart back then. Explain to Haruto her reasons, instead, her pride spoke much louder, and both messed up.

This time, however, she's not willing to let that happen once again.

This time, they're going to talk for real.

— Anything besides beating around the bush, avoiding the topic or something that'd hurt me or you. I wanna talk about it all, Haruto-kun. – Akira looks him on the eyes, a fierce look on hers. She's determinate.

She keeps quiet for a while, lets him get to digest her words. Also takes the opportunity to drink a little of her beer, gaining a little more courage on the wait.

When after some long ass minutes, he still hadn't said something, Akira takes that as her cue to keep talking.

— How do I start? – she whispers – I never thought about having this conversation with you until now, never thought it would be possible. – she stops once again, to try to calm her breath, her nerves, never looking at Haruto's face again – I don't really know where to begin... I'm afraid I'll say something wrong. – she stays silent for a while, looks at him for a second and backs up again – I don't wanna be friends with you, Ruto-ya. That's not even on the table. Because I just can't do it. But I don't want us to pretend we don't know each other either. Like you said, I wanna be able to ask you things as "How have you been?" when we see each other again after some time. – she looks at his face again, and she knows she messed up on her chosen words – I think you understand when I tell you it's not because I don't want to, it's really more of I don't think I can. I just... I still...

When Akira doesn't seem to find the right words anymore, and it's clearly making her anxious, Haruto decides to just say what's been on the tip of his tong since they saw each other for the first time in five years on that day on her work.

— I missed you, Akira. I've always missed you. Every single day for five years, I've been missing you. – for someone from outside, she doesn't seem surprised to hear that words come out of his mouth. In fact, she's not surprised at all, but her heart still skips a beat, before it starts going crazy, like she just ran a marathon – When I saw you again, I just... How do I even say this? I was angry for some reason, even though we're back to being close in distance. Even though we could finally see each other again. Even though that back then it was my fault, – she wanted to tell him it was not – I was angry at you. I guess I resented you. Just like I resented myself. And I know why now. – both of them have tears on their eyes and Haruto it's glad they're on his parents' restaurant rooftop, where no one can see them - I wanted to see you love me. - he looks at her face, studies it and continues - I wanted you to only look at me. I wanted you to be mine only. Just like before. - he laughs - I wanted you to look at me like you were looking at Yuma-san. – a bitter smile shows on his mouth – You were paying no attention to me; it was all on him. – he closes his eyes, tears start to roll on their own on his cheeks and she wants nothing more than dry them, even if she's not doing it to her own – I noticed you two had grown close. Too close. You had always told me he was no threat to us and when I come back...– he stops himself from saying everything he wants about her relationship with Yuma – And I didn't even have a right to say anything. Not anymore. And probably never again.

Both are breathing stronger; tears keep coming while they try to digest what's happening. That this so wished talk it's finally happening after five years.

— Akira? – he's looking at the sky full of stars and the moon now.

— Yes? - she answers quietly. Almost a whisper Haruto managed to hear only because it was too quiet that late at night.

— Please keep loving me. Don't let go and keep loving me. Only me. Please. — he speaks fast, desperate — I know it's selfish to ask b-

Akira cuts his line. She needs to say it before the courage disappears forever.

— I never stopped loving you, Haruto. Never. It hurt like hell still loving you for all this time, but I never stopped. – she doesn't let him speak when he tries to – And I get why you say it's selfish. — she sights — At any moment you'll fly back to Korea, and I'll stay here. Alone. Again. – she stops – It's gonna be painful once more, for both, but at least this time you'll leave knowing I love you still, with all my heart.

He laughs. Its bittersweet to hear that, but he knows she's not lying.

That's their reality, and it will not change any time soon.

– You're right. Even if it will still be painful, I'll know you're still there for me this time. – they share a hopeful look, that also shows pain – And I hope you'll know I will also always love you too.

They both hate it, the feeling of knowing they're not right to each other but not being able to fully let go either.

At least, this time, as Akira said, they'll part ways knowing they're still important to each other. They will always be. 

And wishing that perhaps, it will be enough to ease their hearts.

______

In Conversation: Watanabe Haruto

on His Obvious Homesickness,

The Laybacks of Being an Idol,

and The Subtle and Fierce Way He Loves Someone

"Looking back now, being here for such a small time, it's much difficult then leaving without a coming back date," says Watanabe Haruto, dressed in his all-navy outfit of Reebok, which he's also a brand ambassador of, and a couple of rings – that seem to never leave his fingers – completing his look, as he stares out the window, the sight of Fukuoka clearly making him nostalgic. "Don't get me wrong. It's always good to be back. It's my hometown, it's where my family is, and holds so many memories I will always cherish. But it makes returning to Korea increasingly harder."

The 23-year-old rapper is here on a rainy December morning to shoot an advertising to athletia and talk all about his blooming career — his hard trainee days, the pre-debut, and receiving a daesang so early on — and his blooming romance with an anonymous person that has been the talk of the town, or maybe the world, for weeks-on-end. To the latter, he won't kiss and tell just yet, but for the former, he's eager to talk our ears off.

You said that gets harder to leave. Tell us more about it.

[He thinks for a while, and I can say that's because he haves a lot to share.] It's like I said, I have my family and a lot of memories I don't want to forget here. When I'm in South Korea, I can't stop thinking about how I miss it here. How I miss waking up to breakfast made by my parents, my old room, my little sister naggin' me for everything, [Laughs.] coming back home to find them on the sofa waiting for me on the end of the day. It's all about how I simply miss all those small day-to-day things. But when I'm actually here, my brain keeps telling me that sooner I'll back to being all alone there. It kind of stops me from enjoyin' my time with everyone fully.

I guess I can understand the feeling. But you're not really alone in South Korea, are you?

Oh. No, I am not. My hyungs and the team behind us are like family to me, now. I pass 24/7 with them, after all. It's not exactly the same, but they're still family somehow. On the start, when I first moved, it was the only time I really felt alone. They were the absolutely harder times, to everyone.

You went to South Korea with a dream, along with a friend. Didn't it help?

I wish it did, [Laughs.] I really thought it would help. Going with Asahi-kun helped at the start, but it became part of the problems that followed our arrival. [He sighs lightly, exchanging a look with the photographer who accompanies us today, none other than the person he just mentioned.] It's not easy to train with anyone, after all you're destined to see them leave at some point, to debut or to never come back to the company. The chance of debuting together is very low. Lower than people usually think. That's why some trainees decide it's better to not get involved with the others. But me and Asahi-kun were already friends before we even joined the company, we had moved there all by ourselves with the dream of debuting together. That's what we were aiming for. So, it was hard to get there and be told almost right away that he was out, and I would be the only one to continue. Especially because I was the one who told Asahi-kun to audition and, later, to not miss the opportunity of going to SK. I felt guilty and we almost drifted apart because I ended up shutting him down for a while.

But all's well that ends well, right? He's now part of YGE, working directly with you, not as an idol, but as photographer and producer. And you still seem close since you even release a track with him.

It's all thanks to Hyunsuk-hyung. We were not that close back then, but he already had this sense of motherly with most of the trainees, me included. He saw me strugglin' with the situation and had a serious talk with me about it. As someone that already had been in my shoes too many times, he understood me and made me see that my feelings were valid, but I had to look at Asahi-kun's side too, and for that I couldn't shut him out.

I had that talk with Asahi-kun a couple of days later and found out that he wasn't that sad for not being able to debut, even though it was painful, they had offered him a producer spot and he was willing to give it a try. Along the way, he ended up also as a photographer. I'm glad and lucky that he can work with me, and let the world see his many talents too.

And wouldn't you say it's also luck to get a shot at love these days? Given you're an idol, and all?

[Watanabe tilts his head to me and looks at me under his lashes while he plays with the rings on his fingers. One specific ring seems to receive almost all his attention. He thinks it's enough to sidetrack me from fishing for a story between him and the mysterious woman. But it only makes me more curious] That's out of left field, he says in a cheery tone while he seems to try not to avoid eye contact.

Your romance with this mystery woman left us all blindsided, come on now.

Oh, I guess now it's a fever dream as a public figure to keep my relationships in private?

You have a point. But there's a heart-swooning PDA scene between you two at our streets, and couple of pictures from what to seems coffee dates, where you're not even tryin' to hide. You can't tell us to not be curious about her.

Touché. Starting from now we'll really keep it on the downlow.

I didn't suggest that! Please, your fans will k-word me. [Laughs.] I wonder if I can get you share one tiny aspect of your relationship with this person. Everyone is waiting for anything. Like I said, you're an idol, we don't see this kind of scandal every day, not without the company denying it or confirming it asap.

[Watanabe looks down in thought and freezes for a few seconds, as though he doesn't know how to answer just yet. But I soon figured he was just searching for the right words.] First, it shouldn't even be considered a scandal.

Second, we're in the 21st century, you would think people would understand we're humans too. That we have a life outside our careers and have the right to keep some things out of the spotlight. [And he stops there, and when the young idol looks up, he looks surprised to have said those words to me. At the same time, he holds a fierce look in his eyes. I suppose he didn't think he would be this brutally honest with me, but he doesn't back up from his words.]

I guess we no longer need your company to release a statement confirming anything.

I didn't confirm or deny anything.

I just wish people would understand that somethings are not mean to be talked about by people who are not directly involved on. It's my life, after all, and I'm the only one who should give opinions and act according to them. Instead, I receive backlash for hanging out with acquaintances. And I'm pressured to act by these comments or else I can say goodbye to my career.

But you don't seem that afraid anymore since you just openly said these words. Knowing they will be published in no time.

My company knows my opinion, my groupmates know too, after all that's the reason why there's no statement at all. It was my choice not to. If they were that against this mindset, I wouldn't had debuted or I wouldn't say this so openly, as you happily mentioned. [There's a moment of tension before he continues.] Plus, my fans also know about it, you're not the first person who heard about this opinion, they were. [He stops for a moment.] But not everyone thinks like me, so there's still this small chance my career can end because of this kind of things.

Even after winning a daesang so early on your career?

Daesangs are very important on a Korea based musician career, and I didn't win it alone. It's all about the combined work I have with Yoshi-kun and Hyunsuk-hyung, and everyone behind us that helps without being on the spotlight. And, of course, our fans support.

But it doesn't mean we're unforgettable, no one really is.

@goat1309: every1 say thank you hyunsuk for saving the friendship of the century aka hasahi

↳  @wtnbhrt: omg yes! imagine if he didn't advice ruto 'bout it! the world would be missing so many hit songs!

@KOBEGYU: tell them haruto! It's your life, your choice!

↳  @KOBEGYU: also, his last sentence? haruto, i hope you know we'll never forget you or G.O.A.T! we love you too much for it to happen

@sahiYG: i'm so glad haruto and asahi stuck together even after what happened

@7ch2104: it warms my heart knowing ruto got to be back at his hometown besides everything that came with it, i just wish the company would let him stay more :(

↳  @0515noriYS: i'm half convinced that their holidays were cut short because of the rumors  ☹   maybe next time it will be different....

@WHvolKno: "it doesn't mean we're unforgettable, no one really is" this broke me because he didn't fully lie, did he? it reminded me that someday they'll only be good memories we cherish...

@1331ruto: i wish more idols were so open as haruto is when it comes to boundaries between him and his fans, maybe these so-called fans would start to respect their privacy and relatives.

↳  @ruruKY: i'm glad he trusts us enough to tell this so openly because everything some people did to his friends the last days it's insane

@wtnb7chill: i don't get it, did he confirm or deny the rumors?

↳  @7chilli: ik right? i'm so confuse

↳  @yshi13: im gonna pretend he confirmed lol

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I guess sometimes we all get

Just what we wanted, just what we wanted

And she never thinks of me

Except for when I'm on TV

I guess sometimes we all get

Some kind of haunted, some kind of haunted

And I never think of her

Except on midnights like this

(Midnights like this, midnights like this)