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You didn't know how to describe the uncomfortable feeling knotting in the pit of your stomach. All you knew was it felt terrible and no matter how many times you paced back and forth around Neuvillette's office, the tension didn't ease. Perhaps it was just all your crappy emotions over the past few days finally reaching boiling point? Or maybe, you had woken up on the wrong side of the bed and pissed off some God because it was clearly fucking with you. Usually, you were pretty good at keeping a lid on your emotions. You could repress them until you were completely alone and could let it all out where no one could see the absolute wreck you turned into. But today was just one of those days where you didn't think you had it in you to hold back anymore.
A cocktail of emotions bubbled inside of you, the anxiety making you bite your nails and chew at your skin until you could taste a tang of iron in your mouth. The sunlight filtering through the large windows of the office did little to brighten your mood. While the world outside was bright and cheery, you felt like you could collapse at any moment. The smallest, inconsequential thing could probably trigger you into a deep spiral of manic depression. You had been walking around in circles for so long you were sure you had worn holes into the lavish rug decorating Neuvillette's office. Where was the Chief Justice anyway? He said he would meet you here by lunch. That was half an hour ago. You tried to not let it bother you. He was a busy man, after all, and his attention was required on many important matters for the justice of Fontaine. That's what the rational side of your brain told you. The other, more selfish side desired his attention. You had already berated yourself for that line of thinking many times over. You just wanted to see his face. It may help you feel just a little bit better.
You had tried to distract yourself from all the awful emotions coiling inside yourself like a pit of vipers. There were many books scattered around Neuvillette's personal library. But every time you had picked one up, you couldn't get past the first few pages before inevitably putting it back down again. You couldn't focus on anything but your own shitty thoughts. They kept swirling around your head, around and around until it felt like you were going to drown in them. You were close to digging your nails into your scalp and ripping at the roots of your hair just to claw out the viscous shards.
Your relentless pacing came to an abrupt halt when you heard the door to the office open with a sharp click. The wood heaved in its frame as the doors were swung open, swiftly followed by the appearance of the man you had been craving to see all day. Neuvillette looked as regal as ever, long, white mane of hair flowing like silk as he walked, gait smooth and regal. His presence always demanded your attention, and for a brief moment, your thoughts stopped when you gazed upon such an ethereal being. He never failed to take your breath away and it was hard to gather your bearings when gorgeous, piercing eyes shining like opals gazed upon you. The gears in your brain only started to move once the sound of the door closing pierced through the silence, reminding you of exactly where you were.
"My apologies for arriving late" Neuvillette said as he continued to approach. "My errands required more time than I had anticipated. I hope I haven't kept you waiting long."
You swallowed around the hard lump in your throat, forcing a smile onto your face. Your existential crisis could wait, you reminded yourself. Put a pin in it and deal with it later. You shook your head.
"No, not at all."
Neuvillette stopped only a few feet short of you, the soft clicking of his boots ceasing. A pensive frown tugged at his lips as he examined you, eyes flicking over your features. Your smile didn't quite reach your eyes today.
"Are you feeling alright today?" he inquired.
You were slightly taken aback by the sudden question. Your eyes flickered briefly to the side as you started to nod.
"I'm fine" you replied. "Why do you ask?"
Neuvillette's eyes narrowed slightly, sharp gaze catching onto the fraying edges of your voice. He had come to know you intimately well these past several months and he had been picking up on a lot of your bad habits. Lying about your emotional state was one of them. He didn't berate you for the response. After all, he was used to a certain Archon's theatrics, blowing everything out of proportion if the whim suited her. What was one little white lie compared to that? Neuvillette cleared his throat, eyes still boring holes into your soul as he calmly responded to you.
"You don't look fine."
You opened your mouth to say something but the words died in your throat. You stuffed your bottom lip between your teeth, still trying to hold onto the last little dregs of willpower you had left. You'd feel awful if you were to have a breakdown in front of him. Archons above, he really didn't need to witness that side of you. But every time you tried to respond and tell him that you were alright, the words would fizzle up and dry in your throat. It was getting increasingly difficult for you to speak when he stared at you like that. It felt like you were thrust into the witness box and you were being put on trial. After a long moment of silence, a short huff of air managed to escape your throat as you released your bruised lips from between your teeth.
"Stare at me any harder and I may just combust" you joked.
Neither of you laughed. The look in Neuvillette's eyes softened, losing the sharp edge when he remembered that he was speaking to his lover and not a defendant.
"I apologise. I didn't mean to stare quite so intensely. You just seem...off today."
You shifted from one foot to the other, slowly running a shaky hand through your hair. Were you that easy to read? Or did Neuvillette understand you much better than you gave him credit for? When you didn't respond, Neuvillette continued to push forward.
"Is there something I can do to ease your troubles? Do you need me to lend an ear?"
His words made you feel a flush of emotions. He was trying his best to sound sincere with softly spoken words. He didn't want his words to come across as hollow. And they didn't. It made heat blossom in your chest, only for the fires to be doused when you were reminded of your earlier plight. Was it truly okay to let him know your true feelings? He wasn't going to judge you, was he? The words were catching in your throat again and it was taking a tremendous effort for you to not break down into a blubbering mess. Neuvillette was patient, waiting for you to form a response before he acted. You lifted your head, unshed tears shimmering in your eyes.
"I feel like nothing is okay at the moment. So, could you just hold me? At least, until the weight of the world doesn't feel like it's crushing me?"
His heart almost broke at the gentle warble in your voice. There was a distressed look in your eyes and you were trembling like a poor kitten left out in the cold. You had been so strong to hold in all that emotion for so long…
Neuvillette opened his arms and wordlessly ushered you forward. All it took was that small act for the cracks to show in your façade and shatter it completely. You ran into his arms, tears already spilling from your eyes before you even reached him. You crashed into him with enough force to send you both toppling to the floor. Neuvillette held strong, arms secured around your trembling frame and holding tight. The earth could start shaking right now and he still wouldn't move. The strong smell of his cologne tickled your nose as he enveloped you in a warm embrace, your face buried against his shoulder to muffle the violent sobs that escaped your parted lips. His hugs always made you feel the safest. It felt like nothing would harm you when he held you tight and shielded you from the world. Your salty tears soaked into the fabric of his clothes but it was barely an afterthought for the Chief Justice. Other things weighed heavier on his mind that such trivial matters were forgotten. You were much more important to him in that moment. You were hurt and in pain. The sight only caused him great strain in his heart. After meeting you, his heart had been opened up to so many human emotions. Emotions that you helped to nurture and grow. Some days, they were delightful. And others, they were a burden. Much like yours were now.
Your hands eventually found their way to the back of his neck, silky strands of white spilling through your fingers as you wrapped your arms around his neck. If Neuvillette wasn’t holding you up, your wobbling knees would have given out long ago. Neuvillette gently stroked his thumb across your cheek, his other hand rubbing up and down the curve of your back as he tried to soothe the tension out of your muscles.
"Everything is going to be okay, little robin. I'm here. Tell me the troubles that weigh heavy in your heart."
You didn't know if you had the strength to speak anymore. Your eyes hurt and your chest ached. You struggled to force the words out of your mouth but Neuvillette was patient, his cheek pressed to yours as you spoke into his ear, voice bordering on a whisper that only he could hear.
The sun outside had stopped shining, grey clouds swirling in the skies as it started to get darker. After all, how can he smile when his sunshine had been taken away.