Archive of Our Own

The antagonizingly long yet dreadfully short script of Yeon Sieun had finally come to run out of its ink at last.
  
The Grim Reaper himself was about to collect the juvenile soul that had yet to become fully ripe and bear the most abundant fruit.

Sieun had known from a very early age that he was going to lose his euphoric youth of chess to the primary depressant called life.

A life built on the illuminating arc of purpose and a favourable future had always appeared as distant and unreachable as the faraway moon in limitless sky.

Sieun's life had never been one to romanticize. It had never been the epitome of a dancing daydream.

It was missing all of the cheesy strings. The warm family ties. The love letters. The countless wishes granted by a genie in a bottle.

His life had been nothing but an erasure on all fronts. Walking insomnia. Jogging dissociation. A running travesty furiously speeding into unavoidable implosion.

Sieun had simply been lucky in pulling a Joker card from his personal deck each time. He had taught himself the art of numbing open wounds by counterfeiting them with sugar.

Until one fated day when he came to accept he could not go on and continue living like this anymore.

It was time to bid his final goodbye and depart the midnight train.

After all, he had only ever existed as a mere shadow figure. An empty can. A fragile shell on a clothing rack. A decaying wreck of a human body. 
  
He did not want to remain confined to the four walls inside his own brain. He was done holding a loaded gun to his head every single day.

He was done threatening to save the bullet for next time.

And the next.

Sieun wanted to liberate his soul and be free on his own terms. To become weightless with no gravity anchoring him down.

To grow his own wings. To go quietly into the night. Like the sea that he loved the most.

Midnight was quickly approaching, making the veil of darkness swallow Sieun whole.

It was an uncomfortably silent night. All Sieun could hear was the soft rustling of leaves, faint foxtrot of the sea and the rhythm of his own footsteps.

The creaky wooden bridge made the ground vibrate underneath the soles of his Converse, reminding him of the exact height he had ascended to.

It was simultaneously intimidating and eerie.

Sieun found himself standing at the epicenter of his secret spot. One that he had come to perceive as his escapist safe haven.

The unforgiving temperature was waiting to mark its territory and leave Sieun souvenirs in the form of menacing frostbites.

Sieun, however, was not seeking for warmth.

Not in this lifetime.

He tugged off his black gloves and lousily tucked them away in his pockets before exposing his sensitive skin to the chill cruelty of living.

He wanted the cold to leave his entire nervous system paralyzed until he was numb to any coherent thought.

He wanted to imagine how it would feel like to dive into a dozen impaling knives as sharp as razors, eagerly waiting to gut him inside out.

To make him scream in agony on eternal loop like one of those old broken records that had been left to collect dust on a shelf.

Oddly enough, physical pain was one of the few, if not the only aspect of living that made Sieun feel somewhat human.

That's why he decided he wanted it to be his very last act of kindness towards himself.

Before choosing to ring the bell and bid his farewell, Sieun craved to breathe in the isolated moment of solitude.

To honor the one and only place that had always welcomed him. Always listened to him. Always harbored him. Always protected him.

The one and only place that had never judged him. Never shamed him. Never abandoned him. Never hurt him.

He stood there, his eyes shut and head thrown back, inhaling a gigantic dose of gratitude for the fleeting moments that he was able to borrow since birth until the present.

No matter how few or rare.

After a moment, his eyes followed the current of the water, allowing himself to become one with the tempo.

Sieun gently traced the railing of the bridge before applying pressure on it.

He leaned forward but quickly felt his own body startling him.

Was it his nerves kicking in? Was it his survival instinct that he presumed to be non-existent?

He didn't quite know.

All he recognized was his own irritation that felt like betrayal.

His body had become feverish, hands clammy and sweaty. A drop of sweat rolled down his nose.

He was feeling strangely hypersensitive as if all of his senses had been heightened by an electric shock.

He shook his head to sway the scale and defeat the confusion before beginning to loop his right leg over the railing.

He was forced to stop himself last minute as he could see a tall figure in the corner of his eye, having just settled down right next to him with no additional space left to spare.

Sieun was smart enough to know it had been a strategic move.

Definitely not a coincidence.
  
The motive behind it, however, remained unclear.

Sieun was doing his very best to oppress the sudden curiosity violently invading his chest but as much as he tried to reject the influx of magnetic energy, he got binded by the vines.

Sieun felt alive.

Hyperreal.

"It's really cold out here."

Sieun remained silent. He only allowed his eyes to capture a stolen frame of his dark silhouette.

He striked Sieun as a walking paradox.

Strangely inviting yet unwelcome.

"Somehow the moon appears unusually close today, don't you think?"

For some reason, that specific remark really resonated and shifted dimensions within Sieun.

He angled his head upwards to make out the size of the moon. It wasn't just different in size but in glow.

"I'm not in the mood for small talk."

Sieun watched the moon cast rays on the stranger, giving him an illuminating angel hue.

"Me neither. I prefer late night adventures."

What was that?

"I don't know who-"

The stranger chuckled lightly before coming to face Sieun.

"Ah, shoot! Where are my manners. I'm Suho. Ahn Suho. You are Yeon Sieun, right?"

Sieun's eyes widened the same way cat's eyes do when they hear their favorite word.

No one was supposed to remember his name.

That was the plan.

"How do you know my name? Actually, never mind. You are free to drop the act now. I know you're not stupid so I'm going to ask you politely. Leave."

Sieun shifted his gaze from Suho back to the bridge.

"Yeon Sieun."

Sieun refused to act on provocations and suppressed his anger.

"Don't say my name. It will only make you get attached to me and I don't need a handout of sympathy. Save that for actual charity."

"Yeon Sieun, listen-"

That did it.

That set him off like a timebomb.

"What part of it do you not understand? This isn't your battle so leave me alone."

"I'm already a witness. That makes it my battlefield now."

Sieun wanted to drench his tongue in poison and spit it in his face.

"Since when do you get to decide that? This isn't about you so don't you dare make it about yourself. Just walk away! We are the only ones here so if you are worried about word getting out, I can guarantee you no one will ever know. I certainly won't be the one to tell. Don't look so guilty."

"I will know."

"And why do you care? I'm a ghost to be buried."

"You're a person."

Panic settled down on top of Sieun's chest as tears threatened to block his vision.

Sieun had to throw an axe into his heart to remind himself to keep it hard.

"There's no coming back for me. Don't come with me, Suho."

"Where do you want to go?"

"Away."

"Let's go."

Sieun's breath hitched in his ribcage. For a moment, he was a walking conflict spiked with hesitation and a side of true temptation.

"What?"

He tried to suppress the slight tremble in his voice but it was still there.

Like a traitor.

"I said let's go. Anywhere, nowhere, everywhere all at once. You pick. So, where do you want to go Yeon Sieun?"

Sieun reminded himself not to give into distractions that were serving as fleeting peace.

"Suho, please drop it. I know what you are trying to do but-"

Before Sieun could even finish his sentence, Suho had already taken his hand.

All Sieun could feel was the warmth of Suho's hand much bigger than his in comparison, his adrenaline racing heart and the cold breeze caressing his face from 360 degrees. 

They were running.

From black hour.

Into the long night.

"Suho, stop. Why are you doing this? Don't you have to go home?"

"It can wait. The world losing Yeon Sieun can't."

The pessimistic side of Sieun wanted him to disconnect. To eliminate the touch of Suho that was trying to light his fuse with a flamethrower.

The optimistic side of him wanted to connect. To put his existence in the hands of Suho. To take a leap of faith and choose spontaneous will for once.

As they proceeded to run, Sieun quickly became aware of the effect of Ahn Suho. 

They were barricaded inside a hurricane of people as bright neon city lights were melting together in front of his eyes and overriding his nervous system yet all Sieun could see was him.

Suho.

He noticed how he wasn't bothered by the rain in the slightest, never quite trying to retrieve an umbrella or shield himself with a coat.

He noticed how he was smiling with crescent moon eyes when trying to jump over puddles but still crashing into them entirely.

He noticed how he was sneaking a glance at their intertwined hands to make sure Sieun's grip on him had not loosened one bit.

"Where are we going?"

"There's a street vendor that sells the most incredible hot chocolate but closing time is in about 15 minutes."

Sieun significantly lowered his pace before halting his steps completely.

"I think we should just give up. Let's call it what it is. A defeat, Suho."

Suho solidified his grip on Sieun as a response, strictly refusing to obey his suggestion.

"No. You listen to me here, Yeon Sieun. You have not truly lived until you've had Mr. Kang's hot chocolate at least once in your lifetime. I need you to trust me on this, alright?"

Sieun did not respond but his eyes did, unanimously voting in favor of Suho.

Suho laced their fingers together once more before starting to sprint as if their lives depended on it.

"Hey, easy there. Slow down you two! Ah, Suho, you rascal! What brings you here at this hour?"

Suho placed his hands on his knees, panting as if he had just ran an entire maraton and was now waiting to be awarded.

"Mister Kang! Let me, uh-let me just- let me catch my breath. You see, someone here hasn't tasted your hot chocolate so I'm here to carry out my honorable duty and serve him some heaven in a cup."

Mister Kang's inspecting gaze momentarily landed on Sieun before resuming to interact with Suho.

"Your usual, I take it?"

Suho saluted him in agreement.

"Yes, Sir!"

Mister Kang smiled brightly.

"Alright! Stay put, you two!"

Sieun's attention shifted from Mister Kang to Suho. He was in complete awe of what a close knitted relationship he had been able to build.

It felt like encountering a family business and being introduced to Suho's grandfather which enforced Sieun's belief that Suho wore the gift to touch anyone with a layer of the heart.

Sieun was wondering how Suho first came to discover the place.

"Here we go! Two hot chocolates with a dollop of caramellized marshmallow fluff. Dig in!"

"Copy that, Sir!"

Sieun watched Suho hand Mister Kang what seemed to be a hefty tip. Probably for causing him last minute hassle. At least that's what Sieun thought.

Mister Kang accepted the money before addressing Sieun and catching him off guard.

"And you? Why haven't you been here before? Come with Suho often but be careful of that one too. He can be full of tricks!"

Suho audibly gasped as if he was both offended and embarrassed to be talked about in such a manner in front of Sieun.

"Hey, don't declare war on me old man!"

"Old man, huh? Old man you say?"

Sieun found it endearing to watch Suho's eyes switch from cool and dominant to a deer in the headlights.

Before Suho even had a chance to shield himself, Mister Kang had already exited his stall to tackle Suho head on.

He was ruffling his hair and pinching his cheeks.

"I treat you like my own grandson!"

Suho raised his hands to ask for peace. He was ready to surrender.

"I get it, I get it!"

Mister Kang released him and stood in front of Sieun.

"That makes two now. Sieun-ah, I am taking you under my wing. If you have written complaints, forward them to me on a business day."

Suho let out the most heartfelt laugh.

"Do you see what I have to deal with? Unbelievable. Mister Kang, I'll bring you some of my mum's kimchi the next time."

"Double or nothing."

"We have a deal."

Sieun was touched to be included in the conversation. Even when the whole conversation did not center around him, he felt like he was apart of it the entire time.

"Go! Now! Quickly, quickly! Keep Sieun-ah warm for the love of god!"

Suho signaled he understood before holding out a cup of hot chocolate for Sieun who was staring at it with doe eyes as if he was not convinced it was truly for him.

He almost looked suspicious.

"It's not spiked, you know."

Suho nudged him.

When Sieun still hesitated to accept it, Suho just marched up to him and personally curled every one of his fingers around the cup until he was certain that the hold was firm enough.

"There we go! Let's walk straight ahead.There's something I want to show you."

Suho guided Sieun across the street near the fountains that were currently not working.

They sat down on a black bench.

Suho checked his watch. For what, Sieun did not know. When he thought about it, Suho had never answered any of his questions in a clear manner.

"There's some time left. Let's destroy these hot chocolates in the meantime."

Sieun grew quiet, his eyes showing chaos and desperate pleading.

He debated whether or not to place his frustration out in the open. It ignited a lot of embarrassment in him.

"How do you-"

Suho angled his body to give Sieun a clear view.

"I usually drink it straight from the cup but you can also prioritize scooping some of the excess foam off with a spoon if it makes it easier for you to drink your hot chocolate. See?"

Suho demonstrated the scooping.

"Ah!"

Sieun was not sure if Suho could tell he was a visual learner but either way he appreciated Suho not laughing at him.

Sieun scooped a little bit of the foam with the rest of his hot chocolate. The second the combined taste of rich chocolate, sweet marshmallow and smoky caramel hugged his tongue was the moment his eyes pooled with instant sparkle.

He was resembling a kid who had been taken to a candy store and got introduced to a sweet treat for the very first time.

Suho snorted.

Sieun frantically looked around him, painfully clueless to the obvious fact it had been him Suho perceived as the main attraction.

"What?"

"I can tell you don't indulge often. Come here."

Sieun froze in his seat, his face equal shots of stunned and terrified. He looked comically repulsed by the invitation.

"You got foam on your nose."

Suho gently wiped it off with his thumb, making Sieun take a slow hike on his face.

Once their eyes met, he awkwardly cleared his throat.

"How is it? Is it good? It's the best, isn't it?"

Sieun tried to appear unaffected.

"It's okay. I'm not a hot chocolate person."

"Not a hot chocolate person my ass! Don't think for one moment that I did not see you shooting star lazers out of your eyes just 5 seconds ago."

Sieun allowed his head to drop to gift himself the most authentic smile in solitude.

It truly was like having Charlie's Chocolate Factory in his cup.

"Oh, it's showtime!"

Sieun had no idea what Suho was referring to so he scanned his expression and followed the trajectory of his eyes to shoot darts at a clue.

In exactly 3 seconds, the fountains got activated.

Sieun had never seen a fountain that served as the key element to performance art. There were different intervals as well as changes in water pressure and direction.

"Isn't it cool? Do you know what the best part about it is? Come on, let me show you."

Suho got up from his seat and held out his hand to Sieun.

They stopped in front of the fountains.

"Do you see these colorful buttons? Pick your favorite color."

Sieun looked at Suho as if he was an alien sent to Earth and participating in his very first briefing.

"I don't have one."

"What do you mean? Don't you have a favorite color?"

"I've never really thought about it. It's not important."

Suho lowered himself to adjust to Sieun's height before grabbing him by the shoulders and speaking to him on eye level.

"Listen to me, Sieun-ah. We're going to figure out your favorite color right here and right now. Look at the colors available and pick one that calls out to you the most. That's your favorite color."

Sieun had been very undecisive throughout his life. It was especially difficult to make a choice when feeling pressured on the spot like this.

He chewed on his lip before trailing off and finding his destination in the form of Suho's windbreaker. It was in the color teal.

"Teal."

Suho approved.

"Good. We'll press that one."

As soon as their fingertips hit the button, every fountain changed to teal. Sieun couldn't help but do a double take on Suho to confirm he was seeing what he was seeing.

"Stand in front of me."

"Why?"

"Do it."

Sieun positioned himself in front of Suho.

"Stretch out your arms horizontally in front of you. Like this."

Suho demonstrared by stretching out his arms above Sieun's shoulders.

Sieun imitated his movement.

"Now move your hands in any way you want to. Circular movement, s-pattern, any other pattern etc."

Sieun moved his arms physically feeling the rush of excitement hit his core when he realized the fountain stream was directly synchronized with his hand and following his command.

Sieun couldn't believe he had the chance to bend water in the most literal sense.

"Motion sensor. Cool, huh?"

Sieun kept inspecting the fountains for a while, trying multiple colors and memorizing different angles.

He was taking visual snapshots in his head.

When it was nearing to 2 am, Suho decided it was time for the final pearl.

"There's one more place you need to see."

Once they found themselves stopping in front of a museum building 10 minutes later, Suho suddenly felt his windbreaker being pulled, the fabric of it thin enough to jolt him into awakening at the pleasant sensation of Sieun's fingers softly caressing the caged territory above his ribs.

"Suho, wait."

Suho's eyes drowned in concern.

"Are you okay?"

Sieun blinked.

"I, uh, I'm fine. Is this-are we breaking the law?"

Suho smiled lightheartedly.

"What? Oh, this? Is this your first time going to a museum?"

"If you don't count the ones I can't remember."

"Ah, your poor soul. I have a lot of work to do but the night is still young. Come with me."

"Do you need any money? I should-"

Sieun started to scramble for money but before he could hand Suho some cash he had dug out from the pocket of his jeans, Suho put up a loud protest.

"Don't be silly, Sieun-ah. It's on me. Save it for another day."

Sieun's eyes widened at the remark.

Another day. Suho was saying it like a solid fact. He really had faith in Sieun seeing another sunrise.

Sieun got startled by the sensation of Suho's moving hands roaming in his pockets as he was in the middle of tucking the money back in.

When Suho finally noticed Sieun's bewildered gaze, he paused.

"Oh, sorry. I get too comfortable sometimes."

Sieun briefly broke eye-contact.

"To answer your previous question, it's legal. It's a night museum. The opening time falls between 8 pm to 3am. People often come here at night. Especially if you're a night owl. Let's go in."

"Have you been here before?"

"Many times but not lately. You and I will experience this one together."

Suho bought two tickets and was instructed go to a hall called Nocturnal.

The grand hallway leading up to Nocturnal was covered in star constellations.

Once the doors to the hall opened, they were instantly greeted by a tremendous open space.

Limitless sky.

Sieun could not believe his eyes.

"Is that-"

"The surface of the moon."

Sieun walked into the room, making sure to physically feel every front. It made him feel more connected.

"Is this-is this a 3D exhibition built on LED light visualizers creating an illusion of how it feels like to exist on the surface of the moon?"

"Ah, you're big on the brain, aren't you?""

"It really feels like my feet have an impact on the surface as I walk. Ah, I really like the moon."

"I know."

"How?"

"The only photos you have ever posted on social media all feature the moon."

"You have seen my social media?"

"Of course."

"Do you not find it boring? Do you not find me boring?"

"Why would I?"

"Photos of the moon do not bring you popularity or make you seem interesting."

"It's the opposite of that. You learn a lot about someone outside of their personal ego."

Suho watched as Sieun touched every single LED screen wall with genuine fascination as if to be sure that his hands could not go through it and find a portal.

"Do you want to lie down so you will be able to imagine what it would be like to lie on the surface of the moon?"

Sieun nodded.

They laid down right next to each other.

"So, what's your story Yeon Sieun?"

"My story?"

"What made you lose faith?"

"I did."

"You did? Are you sure?"

"Yes. I'm not what society expects. I'm not what my parents expect. I'm not what my classmates expect."

"Don't you see the paradox in it?"

"What paradox?"

"Have you ever thought that problems might live outside of you? They are external. You are experiencing neglience because of your PARENTS. You are experiencing bullying because of other STUDENTS. You are experiencing discrimination because of SOCIETY. Why should you disappear and ceaze to exist? Shouldn't they? There is nothing wrong with you. There never has been."

"Can I ask you something, Suho? Why did you put your faith in me?"

"I put faith in you because you were once as unreachable to me as the moon. Until I decided you weren't."

Sieun suddenly understood. 

Fear was the reason to everything.

Fear and the feeling of being worthless.

"Sieun-ah. There's something I want you to remember."

"What is it?"

"Give me your hand."

Sieun lifted his hand up in the air. Suho intertwined their fingers.

"Do you feel that warmth right here? Take it in. Internalize it. That is the kind of warmth you deserve to seek and feel in your life. If you come to forget it, feel it in your muscle memory. Come back to this moment in your mind."

Suho didn't want to let go but right as he was about to, thinking he had long crossed Sieun's personal space and line of comfort, Sieun yanked his hand right back. A little too sharply to Suho's surprise.

Suho could feel the sensation of Sieun's fluctuating fingers crazing against his inner palm. He could tell Sieun was occasionally adjusting their grip, unconsciously drawing patterns to release anxiety and to experience as much intimate warmth as humanly possible.

It was beautifully surprising.

To both of them.

As they were laying there, holding hands, time felt like a distorted concept that had nothing to do with the 24 hour reality.

"Excuse me, I'm so sorry to interrupt. It is nearing 3 am. We are about to close the museum shortly and would kindly welcome you back another night."

Suho and Sieun quickly cut off all physical contact despite the forced departure inflicting pain in both of them and apologetically scrambled to their feet.

"We understand. Thank you."

They shared a knowing look before exiting the museum.

Once they were outside, breathing in the fresh air and looking back at the night, Suho couldn't help but feel curious if he had been able to alter Sieun's perception in any way.

"Did you feel like the moon was at your reach today? Will you keep on trying to reach it?"

"I want to."

That was his cue. Enough to make Suho beam.

"Give me your palm."

Sieun looked at him with wide doe eyes before opening up his palm to Suho and waiting for a surprise in anticipation.

Suho covered Sieun's palm with his own before eventually placing something on it and closing it.

"See you tomorrow then."

With that lightning bolt of a thunderous declaration he waltzed off, leaving Sieun to look after him as if he was made of stardust.

Sieun slowly got the courage to open his palm. Pink candy hearts with the words 'cute' and 'sweet kiss' were decorating his pale skin.

From a safe distance, Suho could still map out the territory on Sieun that had been seized by the strawberry blush.

It was the sweetest sight to behold.

Sieun lifted his head to see if Suho was still visible on the horizon. He spotted him, still close by, seemingly listening to music and sheepishly dancing.

He had no idea Sieun was sprinting after him until he felt the softest tap on his shoulder. He turned, extremely surprised to see Sieun.

"Suho, open your mouth."

Suho was puzzled but did as instructed.

"Stick out your tongue."

Suho gulped. Sieun could tell he was hesitant as he kept stalling for a while, amost as if they were having an extremely intimate moment or about to commit a sin.

Sieun dropped what was a candy heart on Suho's tongue.

He extended Suho his sweetest smile. One that went on for miles.

One that had his countless smile lines all trying to outrun each other.

"Sieun-ah, wait! Which one was it? It was 'sweet kiss', right?"

Sieun wouldn't respond.

Just to spite him.

"It was, wasn't it?"

Sieun still didn't respond and continued walking in the opposite direction with a teasing skip visible in his step.

"Sieun-ah! I'm right, aren't I?"

Suho watched as Sieun disappeared out of sight and into the night.

When Sieun got home, nothing had essentially changed.

His house was still unoccupied. The neglience of his family was still lingering in the air.

His loneliness was still present and he had terrible insomnia.

Except this time his insomnia was for an entirely different reason.

Ahn Suho.