Archive of Our Own

“Will you marry me, Kourtney Greene?”

Nina was on one knee, wide seven-year-old eyes as genuine and earnest as eyes could be.

“Nina Salazar Roberts, yes, I will!” Kourtney smiled, taking the gummy ring and pushing it onto the wrong finger with a flourish. “Now we’re together forever, like your mom and mommy.”

“Yes, forever,” Nina said, and she wondered if by the time they were sixteen, they might be married for real. When they were twenty, maybe they could have a baby together. Nina wanted to be a scientist and Kourt wanted to be an astronaut, so by the time they were thirty, their lives would be secured.

It all made perfect sense.

Nini and Kourt had stopped abruptly in shock at what they were seeing. EJ Caswell, eighth grader, with his arms wrapped around a blonde girl they didn’t know and his tongue down her throat. School had ended half an hour ago, and the pair were huddled by some lockers, and neither Nini nor Kourt wanted to walk past and interrupt them.

So they’d backed up and taken the long route around the school to get to the bike shed. The whole time, an enticing air of gossip had taken over them.

“Can you believe it? In school, where anyone could see?” Nini asked Kourt. 

Kourt shook her head with an exaggerated eye roll. “Boys are disgusting, I’m telling you.”

“Gross,” Nini nodded affirmatively. “I’m so glad I haven’t kissed a boy yet. Ew.”

They each unlocked their bikes and readied them to ride back to Kourtney’s house.

“You know, Neens, it is kinda scary. That we’ve never kissed anyone,” Kourt used her free hand to tug on the end of one of her braids anxiously. “Like, what about Ricky Bowen? He has a crush on you, remember, and you don’t even know how to kiss. What are you gonna do if he goes for it?”

A pit opened in Nini’s stomach when she thought about that scenario. She’d been avoiding it, but the truth was there: she and Kourt would be thirteen soon. Boys were starting to pay attention, and it was inescapable.

“I don’t know, run away, maybe.”

“Nini!” Kourt laughed. “You can’t do that.”

Nini hopped on her bike, face burning, but a laugh bubbled up. “Watch me!”

Nini started peddling as hard as she could, and Kourt yelled in pursuit. They crossed the street, raced down the sidewalk, cackling the entire time. Nini didn’t have the best stamina, but she knew she’d much rather bike herself into exhaustion than talk about Icky Ricky for one more minute.

Finally, she conceded, when Kourt’s voice reached over her shoulder, “Time out!”

They were just passing a park, so Nini swerved onto the path cutting through the grass and slowed to a stop. Kourt arrived a few moments after, and the pair set their bikes down and collapsed onto the grass, breathless and grinning.

“You’re ridiculous, you know that?” Kourt huffed as she regained her breath. 

“I know. That’s why you love me,” Nini smirked. 

It was an early September afternoon, and the Utah air was warm and breezy. The sky was a heavy blue with scattered clouds, and the grass they lay in was lush, and it smelled like pollen and wildflowers. Nini looked at the sky, her view partially blocked by a huge tree’s branches. 

And she turned and looked at Kourtney, who was already looking back. Her best friend had honey-blonde braids that complimented her dark eyes beautifully, she wore her cutest skirt and denim jacket, and her wrists were adorned with the various friendship bracelets that the two of them had exchanged over the years. After all the time they’d spent together, Nini still couldn’t name a single girl more beautiful than Kourtney. 

And she was just inches away. Nini sucked in a deep breath, her nose filled with the flowery scent of Kourt’s perfume that she borrowed from her mom, and something inside Nini shuddered. Something deep and near, something that had been there for as long as the two of them had known each other. 

“Kourtney, I…” Nini’s voice was almost shaky, and she quickly swallowed. “Why don’t we try it?”

“Try what?”

Nini had to admit it to herself, the thing she wanted, the thing that was pulling at her every moment she stared at her best friend.

“Why don’t we kiss? As practise. For Ricky Bowen.”

Nini’s mind fumbled, realising it felt like a weak excuse, but Kourt didn’t even seem surprised.

“Sure, why not? If I’m lucky, some boy will come along for me one of these years.”

“Right,” Nini nodded quickly, “They will. You’re the prettiest girl in our grade.”

“Oh, stop,” Kourt waved a hand dismissively, but Nini couldn’t wait another moment.

Quickly, softly, she propped herself on one elbow and leaned down towards the other girl. They lips met for a second, then two, then Nini realised she was supposed to shut her eyes. So she did, and they stayed connected for a few extra moments before she finally pulled back and opened her eyes. 

Kourtney was wide-eyed. Almost embarrassed, Nini quickly laid back down beside her and pressed her lips together. She tasted Kourtney’s lip balm, pomegranate and honey.

“Was that okay? I mean, I don’t know how it’s supposed to be.” Kourt finally broke the silence.

Nini turned her head to look at her again. “It was… perfect.”

Kourt returned the stare, expression unreadable.

“And now when Ricky finally asks me out, I’m set,” Nini added quickly. “Thanks, BFF.”

“Sure,” Kourtney snorted with laughter. “Speak for yourself. What about me?”

“The perfect guy will come along,” Nini said automatically, because it seemed like the right thing to say. “They always do.”

If Kourt made anything completely clear to Nini, it was that she didn’t like her best friend’s relationship with Ricky. 

“Kourt, don’t make a big deal,” Nini protested, legs dangling off the end of Kourtney’s bed. “I know I said I was upset, but you know it’s not like he meant to.”

“You’re the one who was crying when you got here,” Kourt said pointedly.

Nini sighed, conceding. Her sixteenth birthday was last week. Today, she’d planned a day out with Ricky, because he hadn’t planned anything for her, only for him to end up getting them kicked out of the ice cream place. And that was only after he’d spent all day ignoring her attempts at conversation and making moody comments about his mom being away.

Obviously, Nini wanted to support him. She knew it was hard for him. But she’d been hoping for just one day where it could be about her, about her big sixteenth. 

So Nini had gotten him to drop her off at Kourt’s instead of home, and by the time her best friend had answered the door, the tears had made an appearance.

“I just think…” Kourt grabbed a cushion, hugged it to her chest. “I think you do too much for him. And you deserve so much better than a half-assed relationship.”

Kourtney, still only fifteen, and wiser than Nini could ever be by years. Nini stared at her, feeling all the warmth and love she had for her. But then Kourt dropped Nini’s gaze and mumbled something. Nini caught the words ‘tired’ and ‘third wheel’.

“What?”

“Nothing,” Kourt covered quickly. “I just can’t keep picking up the pieces for you, Neens. You spent years talking about him, only to, like, never be fully satisfied now that you’re together. You don’t deserve that.”

Nini was stunned, but nodded anyway.

It was just one of many, many times that Kourt had some critical words for Ricky. And when the day came that Ricky and Nini finally called it quits, an embarrassing incident involving Ricky backing out of Nini’s room with shoes in hand, Kourt didn’t hide her relief.

She never outright said she was glad the relationship was over. It was too sensitive a statement to speak aloud. But she complimented Nini’s maturity, she pointed out that she was glowing ever since the breakup, she said she was glad Nini might finally find something better. And Nini, for one thing, liked spending the rest of the summer with no one but Kourt to spend time with. It felt almost like a new becoming, like something was falling into place.

Nothing ever lasted. New distractions poured into Nini’s life, like EJ Caswell and Gina Porter and Ricky Bowen Again, and when each of those ended again in inevitable turmoil, Nini fell back to Kourtney every single time.

They were rehearsing, running the Gabriella and Taylor lines together in Kourt’s bedroom. So much had happened the past few months. EJ, breaking up with EJ, being jealous of Gina, Gina moving away, Ricky, Ricky, Ricky. He was back in her life and in her head again, and Nini couldn’t deny that he was the thing that took up most of Nini’s mindspace.

And Nini knew that Kourt deserved better than to be her makeshift relationship counselor. She gave the same advice every time. You don’t need Ricky. Literally all he’s doing is invading your space. You know you rock without any boy, right?

“Nini? Can I ask you something?”

Kourt, perched on the chair by her vanity, was looking up from her script. 

“Sure,” Nini said.

Kourt’s gaze dropped back to the script in her hands, and stayed there for several long moments.

Then, “What do you even see in Ricky?”

Nini opened her mouth, surprised. “I, uh… he’s always been my friend.”

Kourt frowned. “Right.”

“Kourtney,” Nini put her script down and stepped towards her best friend, suddenly worried. “I know it’s… a lot. I know I keep talking about him, and I’m sorry. I just feel like something might be happening with us. Especially since Gina left.”

It was a horrible thing to say, and Nini was instantly ashamed. 

“Yeah, because the whole time Gina was here, that boy didn’t look at you twice,” Kourt said a little pointedly. “You know it’s true. You deserve better than that.”

Kourt looked irritated in a way that burned Nini. 

Suddenly feeling the urge to touch her, Nini reached out and gently took her hands. Kourt slowly let the script drop, her dark eyes wide.

“I won’t say you’re wrong. You’re not,” Nini said quietly. “But… it’s always been me and him, Kourt. I can’t just give up on that.”

“It’s like, literally all you talk about. It was all you talked about before you even got together the first time. I don’t wanna be your third-wheel again.”

Nini froze, suddenly sick at the prospect. 

“You felt like a third-wheel?” 

Kourt sighed deeply, looking away, and Nini felt this deep, heavy pull to make it all better. To fix her mistakes.

“Kourt, I hope you know this. You’ve always been the most important to me. More than him. You’re always my number one.”

Kourt looked back up, her expression surprised. “What do you want me to say to that?”

Nini dropped her hands, suddenly overcome by a rush of cold. “Nothing. I guess.”

“If you mean that…” Kourt stood and paced the room. “Then forget him. You don’t need him, and you know it.”

Nini felt like a small explosion sounded in her mind. Her ears hummed.

“Kourt, I… I can’t, like, choose. You know that. I feel like you’re asking me to choose between you and him.”

Kourt stopped pacing.

“Don’t make me do that.” It was plaintive, almost a plea. Nini looked at the closest person she had in the world, and Kourt finally looked back. They were standing closer to each other than Nini had realised. “Anything else. I’ll do anything else you ask me to.”

“I don’t know where to start,” Kourt whispered back.

Nini didn’t know what was coming over her, her mind and ears kept buzzing, her vision was fuzzy and her throat was tight. But Kourtney was so close to her and they both might’ve been verging on tears. 

So Nini followed every screaming instinct she had and took Kourt’s face in her hands, kissing her at first softly, then harder, like she would only ever get to do this once and it meant everything in the world.

Maybe it was true, just for a moment. Kourt’s hands went to Nini’s waist, and they simultaneously pulled each other closer, and Nini hummed with the burning desire she suddenly couldn’t imagine containing.

But Kourt rushed back, eyes wide and scared, hands dropping to her sides in two clenched fists, and Nini shut down completely, her mind turning into a void. This wasn’t the answer. Even if she’d thought so for a transient moment, Kourt obviously didn’t feel the same. Not judging by the fear in her eyes.

“I’m… I’m sorry,” Nini stuttered out. Then she grabbed her bag and dashed from the room, from Kourt’s house. 

She was still running when she got home, when she climbed into bed that night. She was running for the next week straight, all through rehearsals and opening night. She ran hard and fast and exhausted, scrambling for some rest.

She finally ran right back into Ricky’s arms, and his lips, and his teary confession of love. There was nowhere safer in the world.

They only talked about it once, and that was all that was necessary. 

“Kourt!” Nini exclaimed, phone clutched in her hand, eyes flitting around her new YAC dorm room. “Look at this place!”

Nini turned her phone camera around and displayed as much as she could - the cute little bed space, the shelves where she’d already started to unload her stuff, the view of the trees out the window. 

“Neens, I’m so happy for you, seriously,” Kourt grinned through the facetime call. “No one deserves this more than you do.”

“Oh, stop,” Nini smiled softly. She was yet to unpack most of her stuff, yet to meet her roommate, but this was her moment, just for her and her best friend. She’d only made it to this point because of Kourt, after all. 

“When will you be visiting?”

“I think sometime in February,” Nini squinted. “I’ll have to talk about it with my moms. I’m… going to miss you. A lot.”

Kourt nodded. “Me too. But it’s just a month.”

“Just a month,” Nini echoed. Something popped into her mind then, a moment she’d not thought about in weeks. “I, um, I want to ask you about something.”

Since the fleeting, desperate kiss they’d shared, Kourt had seemed different. She hadn’t spoken out against Nini’s rekindled relationship with Ricky even once, and she seemed happy.

In a way, if kissing Kourtney in a moment of wild confusion was what got it to feel easy again, it had been worth it.

“Okay,” Kourt’s expression was unreadable. “Go on.”

Nini gently sat on the end of her bed. “It’s about, uh, that thing. The thing that happened a few weeks back. When we were arguing.”

She couldn’t call it what it was, no matter how much she wanted to. 

“Oh, yeah,” Kourt nodded, face still neutral. “It was, um…”

“It was a mistake,” Nini rushed to fill the space between them. “Obviously, I’m back with Ricky now. And I know I shouldn’t have done it, it wasn’t fair. I don’t know why I did it.”

“Yeah, of course,” Kourt nodded fast. “We can just forget. I mean, we were both stressed, right?”

“Right! We were, with opening night coming up,” Nini swallowed. “It doesn’t, like… it’s not like it meant anything.”

“Of course,” Kourt was quick to catch the ball Nini was throwing to her. “I didn’t expect it to.”

They stilled for a moment, a moment far too long, 

“I’m, um, I’m gonna go. I have some homework,” Kourt said finally. “Thanks for clearing it up with me, Neens. I’m happy for you.”

Nini’s head suddenly swam, her vision blurring. “Thanks. I’ll call you soon?”

“Yeah, I can’t wait.”

Then Kourt hung up, and despite the tension in her shoulders and tightness in her throat, NIni was glad that she now knew to forget about it completely and move on. Whatever she’d been feeling in that moment, it was over. It was a mistake. And that was okay.

Nini soon realised that forgetting about her moment with Kourt wouldn’t work, because one simple thing stayed true throughout all the confusion and turmoil in her life. When things were hard elsewhere, they were always easy with Kourt. 

When existing at YAC started to feel like a chore, she was always able to distract herself by listening to the endless stories about Kourt’s new job at Slices. 

When Nini no longer wanted to talk to Ricky, Kourt let her stay on facetime for hours. Nini would fall asleep listening to Kourt mumble through her physics homework, smiling into her pillow.

When Nini started to slip through the cracks in her own life, in her own mind, she always had the comfort of knowing Kourtney would hear her. She had the comfort of knowing she could catch Kourtney when she was falling too.

She might not have been allowed to write songs officially on the YAC radar, but that didn’t stop Nini from staying up late one night, ukulele in hand, conspicuously ignoring Emily’s snores. It was a sweet little melody for her best friend, a promise Nini was holding close.

The best part is knowing there’s someone in my dreams that always makes me smile… it’s you.

The best part is knowing there’s someone in my life that makes it all worthwhile… it’s you. 

When I don’t know what to do, no I’m never giving up, never giving up on you.

It was an ode to how easy it was having Kourtney around, how grateful Nini was that she could rely on that in times of stress. Ironically, that very fact in itself was what started to throw everything off balance. Because Kourt wasn’t supposed to be the number one person she wanted to go to, the only one she wanted to share her hopes and dreams with. That was supposed to be Ricky. Her boyfriend.

Nini’s Valentines weekend visit was a blur of confusion and awkwardness. She’d been hoping to talk to her moms about all her confusing feelings, to satiate Ricky with a song not even meant for him, to find Kourtney and hold her tight, if only for a moment. 

She did end up singing the song for Ricky over the phone. It felt almost like a cheap act of infidelity, and Nini couldn’t even face her own guilt. She also did get to see Kourt for just a few minutes on Monday. But she never found a way to bring up a conversation with her moms, which left her more confused than ever. 

It was confusing because it was so un-confusing. She was supposed to want only one guy, and instead her feelings for the girl she’d known forever were crystal clear. 

So she came home from YAC for good, with a promise hanging over her shoulders to figure it out, to try her best to force it to work with Ricky. Because that was the right thing to do. 

By the time early summer rolled in, there were a few clarities in Nini’s life.

One was that it was over with Ricky, and boys in general, for good. She’d spent more than enough years fooling herself, and she was tired.

The second inescapable reality was that she was irrevocably in love with Kourtney.

It might have started with the kiss last year, or the kiss five years ago, or when Nini wanted Kourtney to marry her over a decade ago now. It didn’t matter. Nini was consumed by it either way. She watched Howie play with Kourt’s feelings with a bitter heart and a sour taste in her mouth. She supported Kourt through opening night and finals with a smile on her face that masked nausea.

She couldn’t help it, the slow barrier that she was building. It was impossible for them to be as close as they once were, because Nini felt like her heart would explode every time they exchanged words. That was why she didn’t go to camp. Why she even started to consider the possibility of moving to California.

During the California trip, with two full weeks to think and consider how she wanted things to go, Nini came to a decision. She would have to tell Kourt how she felt. If there was any possibility of moving forward with life, the first step was to be honest. 

Nini played it again and again in her mind, their kiss. The way Kourt hadn’t pulled back, not at first. She had pulled Nini in by her waist, closer, like she’d wanted it as badly as Nini had. She was still on-and-off with Howie, sure. But if there was any possibility, even the tiniest chance that Kourt could feel the same, Nini had to try. 

She spared no expence, buying balloons and tags and a whole bunch of glossy prints of her favorite photos of them together. 

And as she drove to Shallow Lake, it went through her head again, and again, and again.

Kourt, I have a lot to say. I’m hoping you’ll hear me out. 

As you know, because you were there, things fell apart with me and Ricky. But I never told anyone the full truth about why, not him, not even you. And I want to tell you now, even if my reasons are selfish. 

The truth is, you’ve always been more to me than I’ve been able to tell you, maybe more than I’ve even been able to process. I’m sure you remember when we were kids and we used to be wives, like my moms. Or when we were each other’s first kiss when we were twelve. Or last Winter. I kissed you because it felt right, because I wanted to. Because it’s you.

I think it might have always been you. 

And I don’t want things to change if you don’t want them to. I just want you to know, because I think I could explode from holding it in. I want you to know because you deserve to know how you impact those around you. You’re so powerful and so beautiful.

It was something along those lines every single time, a constant loop. She was still thinking about it when she got there, when she greeted Miss Jenn and when she started watching her friends perform Frozen.

They all did good. Ricky really came through and Gina was wonderful. But Kourt, again, was the shining light. Nini’s heart pounded whenever she sang, whenever she spoke. Radiant wasn’t a word enough to describe how beautiful she looked. 

Nini slipped away before intermission to get her set-up ready, hoping she could find Kourt for just a few minutes after the show to make her case. As she opened the door to the girls’ bunks, she was taken by surprise when a boy was standing in the doorway.

“Oh, hi,” Nini said by default. “Sorry, can I…”

“Yeah, crap, sorry,” He stepped to the side and gestured for Nini to enter. “I’m leaving. I don’t think I’m even meant to be in here. I was trying not to get caught.”

Nini realised what he was wearing as she stepped inside. A Hans costume. This was the boy who she’d seen singing and dancing alongside Gina during the first half of the play.

Nini smiled. “Don’t worry, I don’t go here. Won’t tell a soul.”

She stepped further into the room and set her bag of supplies under the window bench, readying to get her stuff out. The boy looked like he was still going to leave for a second, then he hesitated. 

“Are you… I recognise you,” He said. 

Nini turned to him and really looked at him for the first time. He had a soft voice and curly hair, piercing, hooded eyes and brown skin. 

“Have you been here before? I used to go. Up until this year,” Nini explained. 

“No. My sister’s always gone here, though. Maddie.”

Nini blinked, suddenly catching the resemblance. It was in the eyes and the smile, maybe even the posture.

“I’m Jet,” He added, nodding. “We have the same dad, but, uh, we’ve always been raised together by my mom. Long story.”

Nini straightened and smiled back at him. “Right. Yeah, I’ve always been Maddox’s friend. It’s cool to meet you.”

Jet shrugged and smiled a little sadly. “She’s probably never mentioned me. Our relationship can be a bit…” He trailed off. “Anyway, I just wanted to drop something off for her to find after the show.”

“Cool, I’m sure she’ll love that,” Nini nodded encouragingly. “I’m Nina, by the way.”

“Nina,” Jet echoed, his eyes suddenly widening. “You’re Kourtney’s friend? She’s talked about you a lot.”

Nini’s heart jumped, the simple prospect thrilling her.

“Yeah! I am.”

Jet suddenly looked struck by indecision, his feet shuffling, eyes darting sideways.

Finally, he spoke. “I, um… I was gonna leave something in here for Kourt too.” He pulled one hand out from behind his back. In it was a card, one that looked to be handmade. “I keep changing my mind about leaving it for her, I don’t know. Maybe you can tell me if… you obviously know her better than I do.”

Curious, Nini stepped towards him. “Can I see?”

Jet nodded, eyes shy. Nini gently took the card from his hand and her eyes widened when she got a good look. On the front was a drawing of a cheetah in fine black pen, the style poppy and striking. It was beautiful.

“Jet, this is incredible,” Nini grinned.

“Thanks, uh, this thing happened the other day where she caught me with my stupid stuffed toy duck in the boys’ bunk. She showed me her toy cheetah to make me feel better.”

The statement struck Nini, who looked up at Jet’s face. He was more than shy, he was nervous. 

A sneaking suspicion. Nini raised an eyebrow. “Do you mind if I…”

She nodded down at the card, and after a second, Jet nodded. So Nini opened it and read the writing inside. 

Dear Kourtney,

Happy opening night. Two weeks ago I’d never even considered starring in a musical in my life, and now I can’t wait to perform alongside you. You’re going to be the best Elsa ever. 

You got this. TeamKourtney. 

- Jet.

Nini’s stomach pulled, and she swallowed. It wasn’t hard to tell what was going on here. He’d done something vulnerable by showing Nini what he’d drawn, what he’d written, and as much as it pained her, who was she to take this small thing away from him?

She couldn’t do that. No matter how jealous it made her.

“You like her,” Nini said. It was a statement, not a question. 

Jet looked at the ground, a beat passed, then he nodded.

Nini’s face went hot while her insides went cold. She couldn’t blame him, not at all, not when she was also afflicted by the same admiration. But this changed something in her mind, all of those words and that elaborate confession dissolving like mist.

She smiled anyway, tasting her own resignation. “It’s great, Jet. She’ll love it. I was gonna set something up for her, if you leave it here I’ll make sure she sees it.”

Jet looked relieved, and a small smile crossed his face for the first time. 

“Thanks, Nina. I’ll have to check out your Insta, all your friends won’t stop raving about it.”

God, he was so sweet. She wanted to resent him, but it was impossible.

“Thanks. Good luck for Act two.”

Jet set the card down on the nearest table and then left the bunk. Nini tried her hardest to get on with it, putting up every balloon and card and photo, but her stomach turned over and over the entire time. Everything felt different somehow. 

Not only did Kourt already have a boyfriend, albeit a terrible one, but someone else was vying for her attention. Two boys, who were everything Nini couldn’t be. Who’d never kissed Kourtney and then run away to someone else. What chance could Nini ever have? Was she not just setting herself up to get her heart broken?

When Kourt came running into the bunk when intermission started, singing Born to Be Brave at the top of her lungs and alight with a beautiful glow, Nini couldn’t even find it in herself to be honest, to tell Kourt that she would be leaving Salt Lake.

She let Kourtney go back out to the stage with a heavy heart. She scolded herself for not being strong, for not telling the truth, but it wasn’t worth anything. Her own guilt and regret didn’t stop her from texting her moms telling them she wanted to move to California. 

She ran like a coward, her heart already crumbling.

The move helped a little, to Nini’s endless relief.

As much as she wanted the space, she didn’t completely cut Kourtney off, because despite how badly she was hurting herself, it could never be fair. It wasn’t Kourt’s fault Nini had fallen for her. 

But they talked less, naturally, because distance was the enemy to all matters of the heart. Nini talked less to everyone except Ricky. They kept up with each other because she found that, without the pressure of the relationship, he was so easy to have as a friend. All their history really did mean something, in the end. 

Nini watched the documentary, and was maybe the only person unsurprised that Jet declared his love for Kourt. She tried to find it in her heart to want the best for them, even together. She tried so hard.

It happened one evening in December. Kourt suddenly blew up her phone with a flurry of texts. They’d still been talking the past few months, about college and music and Nini’s new life in Cali, but this was different. 

6:13pm: neens??? i kinda need your help

6:29pm: right so we’re doing HSM3 opening night rn idk if i told you. and you know that jet and maddox transferred to our school, right? 

6:30pm: i’ve been ignoring the stuff he said in the documentary because i just always had bigger things to worry about but… god nini he said the sweetest thing to me tonight, and i think i’m going crazy

7:42pm: HSM3 is almost done!!! i know ur probably busy but pls get back to me i’m having a lot of feelings ahhhh

8:44pm: okay well… we’re on our way to Dennys. gina literally just became a legit movie star. AND JET AND I HELD HANDS. NEENS STUFF IS HAPPENING. I CANT WAIT TO FACETIME YOU SOON 

Nini only saw the messages after the last one came through, after it was already too late for her to save her own heart. Jet and Kourtney were getting closer and closer and she was away in California, further from her best friend than she had been since they were born. 

It might have been months at this point since she’d even seen Kourtney. She’d tried everything, she’d spared looks at every pretty girl at her new school, she’d poured her heart out in song after song, she’d turned off Kourtney’s post notifications and let hours drag by before returning her texts.

It wasn’t enough. 

Her heart cracked open all over again as she read the texts, tears spilling as she desperately tried to grab onto a part of herself, one tiny tiny part, that could be happy for her best friend. Because her perfect guy had finally come along, just like Nini said he would all those years ago.

She could only manage one text back.

9:04pm: I’m so happy for u kourt. Jet seems so cool. I hope it goes well, that’s what you deserve

Following that, in the days and weeks and months to come, Nini just kept letting the minutes get longer. She didn’t text Kourt back half as much. She didn’t initiate calls. When Kourt finally stopped trying, Nini could only describe her feelings as relief.

She was a coward and a selfish friend. Kourtney deserved better, she always had.

When Jamie invited Nini to attend Gina’s Romeo and Juliet wrap party in June, she knew she couldn’t not go. Not only would it be unfair to Gina, who Nini definitely considered a friend, but it would be unfair to herself to not even try.

She had to test the water, to take a tentative step back towards the girl who was her kryptonite. It might be the only chance she’d have to see or hear from Kourtney before she went to college in Georgia, and if Nini wanted to do any small thing to make up for being a terrible friend, it was to wish Kourt luck.

She and her moms flew back to Salt Lake the day before, and as the three of them got a cab to the party together, Nini’s heart was racing a mile a minute. 

It was in one of the fanciest hotels their city had to offer, complete with security guards, brightly colored drinks, high-up actors, and of course, the star herself. Gina seemed to be waiting by the door to greet people, so when Nini and her moms walked in, the first thing she saw was Gina’s smiling face before she was enveloped in a hug.

“Nini! Hi, oh my god!”

Nini couldn’t stop herself from smiling as she squeezed Gina back. The two of them were both dressed semi-luxuriously, Gina in yellow and Nini in red. 

“I’m so happy for you, about all of this!” Nini said over Gina’s shoulder. “And Jamie is so proud of you. I couldn’t miss this!”

“Thank you so much, Neens,” Gina leaned back and squeezed Nini’s shoulders. “You’re also doing awesome, with all the music. I’m so glad you’re back, at least for a while.”

“Of course,” Nini grinned. “I’ll be getting an invite to the HSM4 premier, right? Isn’t it this Fall?”

Gina grinned, half shrugging. “Of course. You’ll all be coming to see my moment. But right now, you have a lot of people to catch up with.”

Nini barely had a moment to wave goodbye to her moms before Gina grabbed her hand and pulled her across the venue. They were surrounded by adults, exquisite food, and waitstaff. The scale of Gina’s stardom was staring Nini in the face, and that was why she didn’t have time to realise what was about to happen.

Next thing she knew, Ricky enveloped her, and then Ashlyn, and then everyone was there, greeting her and chatting and laughing. They were all dressed up, made up, everyone a little older than Nini’s memories of them. She was hugging Maddox when she finally saw Kourtney.

It had been close to ten months, and Nini was floored for a moment at how Kourtney seemed to be more and more beautiful every single time. She was decked out in gold, dress and jewelry and shoes and hair, and her dark eyes were wide, and Jet was at her side. 

Nini felt that familiar tug in her stomach, panic and fear and sadness all at once.

And beneath it, a deep longing ache. Because she missed her best friend.

The second Maddox let Nini go, Kourtney stepped forward and took her into her arms. Stunned, Nini paused before hugging her back. Kourt smelled so familiar, felt so familiar, and it was all she could do to hold it together. 

Then Kourt pulled away and looked at Nini directly, and she still wasn’t smiling.

“Hi,” Nini said tentatively, quietly, because all at once she was so scared.

“Hey,” Kourt responded, her voice carefully neutral.

Commotion sounded across the room, and they both turned to see that Gina had been pulled away, was being asked to give some kind of speech. And despite the clamor of fear and emotion calling for her attention, Nini knew she couldn’t avoid Kourtney forever.

“Talk later?” Nini said quickly. 

Kourt looked at her sharply. Jet, just behind his girlfriend, was also listening. Nini suddenly felt weak and ashamed. Jet no doubt knew about Nini’s cold retreat from Kourt’s friendship, about the months of near-silence. Nini hated herself all at once.

But it had been a choice between that or complete heartbreak. Nini didn’t know if she’d had the strength in her to endure that.

“Sure,” Kourt said, surprising her. 

Following an impulse, Nini quickly squeezed Kourt’s arm, hoping it conveyed all of the million things she couldn’t say. 

“I miss you,” She whispered. She didn’t know if Kourt heard her.

She didn’t see Kourt again for the next hour. Nini spent some time talking with Jamie, being introduced to Gina’s costars, and sneaking drinks from the adults’ table. By the time she and Ricky decided to take to the dance floor, she was more than a little tipsy. It made it all easier to be drunk while surrounded by everything she’d run away from.

Admittedly, dancing terribly with her ex-boyfriend-turned-bestie while everyone within the vicinity laughed and clapped was the most enjoyment she felt all night. 

At some point during the escapade, Nini felt her phone buzz, and pulled it out expecting her moms to be on the other end. But it was Kourtney, and her heart dropped as soon as she read the name.

10:12pm: hey neens, do you wanna talk? i’m on the second floor in 2b

Nini swallowed, then smiled at Ricky and excused herself. Gina quickly stepped in to keep Ricky company, and the two of them looked so happy the second they came within proximity of each other. Nini felt oddly jealous, not of either of them in particular, but of the glow that they emanated together. The huge smiles. The ease at which they held each other.

Nini wandered into the lobby and found an elevator, rode up to the second floor, and found room 2b quickly. When she knocked, Kourt’s voice answered.

“Come in.”

She opened the door with a heavy ache in her chest. Jet and Kourtney were both inside, Kourt sitting on the end of the queen size, and Jet relaxed on the chair by the dresser. As Nini entered, he stood and quickly squeezed Kourt’s shoulder.

“I’ll be downstairs.”

Then he left, and Nini felt like a wave could swallow her whole as she looked at the person she feared and loved most in the world.

“This place is…” Nini quickly glanced around, determined to keep her cool. “Fancy.”

“Yeah,” Kourt smiled very slightly. “Gina was staying here. Since, you know, she’s on a literal moviestar salary these days.”

Unsure how normal they wanted to pretend to be, Nini slowly walked over and sat on the end of the bed next to Kourt, leaving at least a foot of space between them. 

“You wanted to talk?” Kourt prompted softly. She was turned to face Nini, so receptive, and for some reason that made Nini want to burst into tears.

She didn’t deserve Kourtney Greene. 

“I did,” She said instead, gulping down her emotions. “I, um, I have some things I need to explain. To apologize for.”

Kourt’s lips parted, but she said nothing. Nini continued, her ears humming.

“I also wanted to wish you luck for college. I probably won’t see you again before you go, and you have to know that I’m so proud of you.”

Kourt smiled warmly, the first time she had all night. “Thank you.”

They paused for deliberation, and the torrent built up in Nini all at once. Everything she’d never said.

“I’m sorry,” She blurted out. She knew instantly that the alcohol in her system was helping her for courage. “I’m sorry for being so distant. It’s all my fault, not yours, I’m a shitty friend. Like, so shitty. You deserve better. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

Kourt didn’t respond, didn’t move, and the torrent didn’t stop.

“I know you’re really close with Gina and Ashlyn these days, and even Ricky, and you have Jet too. So I thought, maybe, even though it was selfish, you’d be okay. But I still fucking suck, like, fuck,” Nini blinked rapidly. “I just… I really needed space.”

Kourt frowned, paused, and Nini felt nauseous. 

Finally, she said something. “I can’t even imagine why you would need space from me. It’s been you and me, Nina, ever since we were kids. Practically toddlers,” Kourt blinked suddenly, like she was fighting tears. “I thought I did something wrong.”

Nini was horrified at the prospect, and she reached out on instinct and took Kourt’s hand, closing the space between them.

“No, no, you didn’t,” She insisted. “It wasn’t you. It was all me.”

Kourt made eye contact with her, a question right there. Nini wanted to say it, she wanted to tell the truth, but at this point, wouldn’t it just be a waste of words?

“Why?” Kourt finally asked. “Why can’t you even tell me what’s up?”

“I…” Nini swallowed, her head swimming. 

It didn’t help when Kourt covered Nini’s hand with her other one, pulling her closer. “What’s wrong? You can trust me, you know that. It’s us.”

All the energy in Nini’s weary body rushed to her hand, and Kourt was too close to her, far too close. She pulled away harder than she meant to, and stood, raising a hand to her temple.

“It’s not over,” She said faintly.

Kourt squinted. “What?”

“It’s not over, not for me,” Nini mumbled, knowing she wouldn’t be able to hold it in much longer. 

It had been years, and she was ready to combust.

“What’s not over?” Kourt stood and faced Nini, her voice and eyes still soft, still open.

“You,” Nini faced Kourt directly. “I can’t hide it anymore, not from you, but I’ve tried. I’ve tried for so long.”

She knew she wasn’t making sense, and Kourt’s eyes widened, half concerned, half confused.

“Me?”

“You,” Nini blinked, and tears fell. “I can’t get over you. I can’t make it normal, I can’t just be your friend, I’ve tried. I’ve tried so hard, I’m so sorry.” She was disintegrating, her voice running ragged, each word a sob. “It’s been like this ever since we were kids, I can’t change it. I can’t see you with him, it makes me feel sick. I want to be a good friend, I want that so fucking badly, but it’s killing me.”

Kourtney froze in place, and Nini couldn’t stop now.

“I thought… I thought space might help. Maybe I could come back here and just be your friend again, we could just be Kourt and Nini again, but I can’t. It won’t stop. I’m still…”

I’m still in love with you, she’d almost said. 

Kourt inhaled deeply, breathed out, and looked away. She opened her mouth, and long seconds passed before she seemed to find the words.

“You didn’t tell me.”

Nini felt more tears running down her face, the ache in her heart turning into a searing pain. 

“How could I? You always had someone else.”

“What?” Kourt shot back, her voice suddenly wrung with hurt. “Neens, you always had someone else. You always ran away. You kissed me the Fall before last, and then you ran away.”

The words rocked Nini, and she stilled, hands clenching.

“What?”

Kourt started pacing, her voice agitated. “You said it’s been this way since we were kids, you don’t think I felt that too? You don’t think it was hard for me that you always had some guy?”

Nini didn’t reply.

“It sucked, but just for a little bit. Then you kissed me and then you ran away from me. You told me it was a mistake. So I got over it.” Kourt stopped in her pacing, looking Nini dead in the eye. “I got over it. Because you pushed me away at every turn, you told me there was nothing to consider, so I did what I was supposed to do.”

Nini stuttered, lost for words.

“I- I didn’t- I had no idea.”

“The worst part about all this is that I stayed and I endured it,” Kourt said, her voice tight. “I put up with all of it because I love you and you’re my friend and I knew you needed me. You couldn’t do the same.”

Nini wanted to sit down on the floor and cry her eyes out. Instead, she found the one last bit of strength in her.

“That’s because you’re a good person, Kourt. You’re good. I’m not.”

Kourt shook her head automatically, but Nini didn’t let her interrupt. 

“I couldn’t… I just can’t. I’m sorry. I’ve tried for months, for a year now. I’m still trying. But I can’t see you with him, I can’t. I can’t get over it.”

Kourtney moved forward, taking Nini’s hands. “Neens, I don’t want to lose you. I really don’t.”

“I had no idea you ever felt it too. I really didn’t,” Nini choked on a sob. “But… I’m here. I’m here now.”

Kourtney stared, wide eyed, and Nini felt one last burning, selfish impulse.

“I love you.” It was a weak whisper. “Have me if you want me.”

Kourtney reeled back, shock evident all over her face. 

“You can’t do that. You can’t ask me to make that choice now.”

Nini swallowed and hiccupped, nodding as more tears poured out. “I know.”

They stared at each other for moments longer, Kourt looking horrified, Nini knowing that she might never feel heartbreak like this again.

How could it ever get lower than this? She’d had every opportunity to accept and explore her feelings for Kourtney, to have her in ways she would never be able to again. And she’d fucked up. She’d missed her chance, and now Kourt had moved on.

“I wish we’d talked about this two years ago,” Kourt said finally. “I’m sorry we never did. I’ll just… I’ll just keep giving you space.”

Kourt stepped away from Nini and headed for the door. At the last second, she turned back, and said the thing that finally crushed Nini’s heart for good.

“I miss you too.”

Nini couldn’t help it, she let all her strength drain away as she sat on the floor, against the end of the bed, sobs pouring out of her, wracking her whole body. 

In the end, it always came back to the same thing. That it was her fault. She was weak and oblivious and selfish, and she’d never noticed that Kourt might have understood, might have felt the same. 

She'd chosen to stay stuck in her fear, and she'd hurt the very person she loved most. The most wonderful, kind, and intelligent person she knew.

The feeling of her heart shattered within her barely felt like enough to pay the price.

Nini had never before realised that heartbreak wasn’t too different from grieving. She felt it every waking moment, like it could very well swallow her whole. It was like there was a hole in the middle of her, one that nine months away hadn’t been able to fix.

She started to live by the phrase ‘time heals all’, getting up every day, accepting that the grief would still be with her. 

She just kept dealing with it, and at the end of each day, she kept being okay. 

Time slipped by like silk, moments soft and fleeting, and life just kept being life. Nini met more than a few curveballs in her career and relationships. She found her success. She tried out romance. 

She never loved anyone quite as much as she had loved Kourtney, but she also never hurt that badly again either. 

It was the Fall before her twenty-sixth birthday, sometime in November, when she saw the posts online. Kourtney was a successful influencer these days, she had been about ever since they’d turned twenty. She was thriving running a business, working on modeling and musical projects, and although Nini never let herself know too much about it, she’d always been so happy for her from a distance.

So Nini was surprised to see that the post was over two weeks old, and she hadn’t heard yet. Kourtney was officially engaged to Jet. 

All at once Nini felt seventeen again. Not in bitterness or jealousy, but in excitement. For the first time in who knows how long, because it had honestly been years at this point since she’d thought about it, she was just… happy for them. 

With sudden insight, Nini jumped up from her couch and rushed through her apartment, to the mantle where she let her mail pile up until she inevitably went through it after a couple of weeks. After flipping through several bills and brand deals, she found one envelope that stood out from the rest. She almost couldn’t believe it hadn’t occurred to her to open it earlier - it was handwritten and addressed to ‘Nini’. She didn’t use that name for anything official.

With her heart pounding, Nini tore open the seal and drew out the invite. It was beautiful, white and blue, and their names blazed as clear as day.

Jet Park and Kourtney Greene. 

“Huh,” Nini sighed, a smile coming across her lips. 

She felt… okay. Her eyes scanned over the details, seeing that the wedding was next summer, and then her eyes widened when she saw the handwriting on the back.

Hi Neens. I know it’s been years, but I miss you. I’d love if you came. 

Nini’s heart jumped, and she pulled her phone out of her pocket and called Kourtney without a moment to hesitate.

It rang for a while, and Nini started to wonder if this was even still Kourt’s number. But her friend picked up.

“Hi.”

“Kourtney?” Nini’s voice was shaky. “Hi.”

“Hi. Nini.”

They stayed silent for a moment, all the words in the world couldn’t be enough to fill the space between them. Then Kourt started giggling for some reason, and it was contagious enough that Nini joined in.

“God, this is weird, right?”

“So weird,” Nini confirmed. “It’s been, like, a few years since I last heard your voice.”

“Yeah. I listen to all your stuff though. You’re a literal superstar.” Kourt’s voice carried a smile.

“So are you!” Nini replied. “I mean, I have some clothes from your line. I never wanted to, like, intrude on your life. But I’m proud of you.”

“And I wanted to give you space.”

“You think seven years worth was enough?”

It felt sad all at once, how long they’d gone not knowing each other. Simply being a part of the other's past. But Nini wasn’t a teenager anymore. She knew that they’d needed the room to breathe, both of them, both to heal from the damage of seemingly-unrequited love.

“It was enough,” Kourt said. “So, you saw? I was so sure your invite got lost in the mail."

“I did,” Nini said.

“Look, I know it’s sudden but… one reason I wanted to invite you is because... well, I wanted to ask if you could be a bridesmaid for me. Is that okay?”

Nini paused, taking the prospect in. Then she jumped on the spot, squealing like a little kid.

“Are you kidding me? Of course!” Kourtney laughed again, and Nini did a silly little dance all the way back over to her couch. “I guess the others will be there? God, I haven’t seen most of them in years either.”

“Yes, definitely,” Kourt said. “Gina’s maid of honor, just like I was for her.”

“Oh, so it’s gonna be a high profile event. Got it.”

“Yeah, especially if Nina Salazar Roberts is also in attendance.”

Nini smiled, listening to the feedback through the phone for a moment. Then something occurred to her.

“I didn’t go to Ricky and Gina’s wedding.”

“No,” Kourt’s voice was soft. “You didn’t.”

That had been almost three years ago. At that point, Nini wasn’t sure where she had been in the healing journey. Not quite as good as she was today, but not terrible either. The simple truth of that situation was that she’d just been too busy touring to go. It was a direct clash.

“I… I’m sorry, Kourt,” Nini said suddenly. “They’re, like, almost worthless words at this point. But I’m sorry that I couldn’t be a good friend to you back then. I’m sorry I didn't stick around.”

“Neens,” Kourt said quickly. “It’s okay. I’ve had so long to look back and think about it, and I know it was harder for you than it ever was for me. You were down terribly.”

“Hey!”

They both dissolved into giggles again. “Just the truth. Anyway, I’m not mad. Sure, you could’ve handled it better, but we were kids. Kids make mistakes.”

“Yeah,” Nini smiled, the comfort of Kourt’s forgiveness settling over her. “At this point… I’m so much more than happy if I can just be a part of your life again. I think the missing you part was almost harder than the heartbreak part, at times.”

“I missed you too, like, a lot,” Kourt replied. “No one else knows all my embarrassing childhood secrets.”

“Ah, yes. All your wedding guests will be hearing them from me, though.”

“Speaking of secrets… I have something to tell you.”

Kourt’s voice was suddenly alight and nervous all at once, and Nini raised her eyebrows. “You do?”

“Yes. And it is gonna be weird hearing this, considering how long we’ve known each other.”

Nini tilted her head, perplexed. “Okay, tell me.”

Kourt exhaled softly, and chuckled. “Okay, so, I might be having a baby.”

“What?” Nini stood up, hand covering her mouth. “You’re pregnant? You might be?”

“I am,” Kourt laughed. “I definitely am pregnant. That was my way of trying to soft launch.”

“Oh my god!” Nini bit her lower lip. “This is awesome! You’ve literally always wanted to be a mom.”

They paused, and Nini imagined all those times they played house, all the dolls they shared. She imagined Kourt was thinking the same thing.

“I have. I obviously wanted to finish college and secure a career first but… I’ve never felt more stable, honestly. I’m, like, so content right now. It was the right time.”

“So when are you due?”

“Five months,” Kourt feigned panic. “Do not ask me how I’m going to pull off a flawless wedding with a months old baby. I’m working on that part.”

Nini grinned and paused and let all of it sink in. All of the love she felt for her old best friend, who maybe could be her best friend again someday. All of the ways that she finally felt okay, more than okay. All of the ways she was just so happy that the person she loved so dearly in so many ways had it all figured out. 

“I love you,” Nini said simply, summing all of it up. “You know I still do.”

She didn’t have to specify that that love wasn’t destructive, or jealous, or terrifying anymore. They were grown-ups now. They both knew.

“I love you too,” Kourt said.

And that was enough.