Chapter Text
….dear journal yes the title is as weird as it sounds.
For context, I’m a 6ft tall lanky dude that adopted a man. How? I will gladly share my adoption experience.
Me and Jory, my best friend went into the mall to go buy some shit we need and shit we absolutely don’t need…that’s when we saw the Husband Store.
Yes, this store is legit selling humans.
Well not humans so they say but robots? Basically this store has like, 6 levels and you can go up and choose a level but you can’t go back down nor revisit the store ever again.
Me and Jory saw this and was like “okay WtF” and “Okay I gotta see this” and THEY LEGIT ARE SELLING THESE MEN LIKE BARBIE DOLLS BRO IT WAS INSANE- I WISH I TOOK PICTURES BUT THE SECURITY GAURD LEGIT SLAPPED MY PHONE OUTTA MY HAND WHEN I TRIED AGAIN AND HE SAID “no.” So I mean…I rather not break my phone...again.
It’s fine it has a very hard case bTw.
Either way we went in and the lady at the front told us the rules and encouraged us to look around. We asked if this was a prank or something and she just smiled and said “Why not find out?”…okay cryptic as hell why not.
We wondered around the clothes aisle because we wanted some semblance of normalcy before…yeah.
The clothes ranges from all types to hipster, gangster, fancy to even drag???
Those clothes were basically the accessories for your husband?
Finally we checked out the husbands…and it was as weird as expected.
We saw many men and women looking at these men on the low levelled shelves btw like they were clothes like “Hmm yes which one will match my aesthetic.” Like bitch what.
The men were in these glass tubes, just doing their own thing, they had their own personalities and even a list on their tube thing that explained their personality, what they like to do, their name and pRICE. THESE ARE ROBOTS BTW BUT THIS IS FOR SOME REASON LEGAL.
Me and Jory legit went into the corner of those level to google if the husband store was legal and…apparently it was.
W h a t.
There weren’t a lot of people on this floor, as this floor was “Husbands that have Provide”section…like okay.
We asked one of workers how this worked and basically they take in and out husbands to switch up the selection….what the actual fuck.
So me and Jory decided to take one more look around and said hello to those husbands. Some were chill, some were mean and others were really nice. I wanted to leave but Jory convinced me to see more of this insanity.
So up we went to “Husbands that provide and are drop dead gorgeous” level.
We saw a lot more people, not a whole lot but there were some, it still had the aisles of literal men being men getting bought like a new purse or video game.
The men here were a lot more appealing to all types of people. People who liked beards, baby face, fat or muscly they were here being drop dead gorgeous.
We said hi and hello and I wanted to leave badly…bUT JORY WAS TOO DAMN CURIOUS. Curiosity killed Muffins (our cat) bTw but we pushed forwards.
RIP Muffins, I miss you.
We got to 3ed level, “Husband who provide, are gorgeous and love kids.” The same business. But this time we saw ALOT of people purchASING THEM.
Excuse me what.
How it worked is that you ask a worker to help you, you tell them which one you chose and then they get the guy out of the tube, do the whole introduction thing and then yOU BUY HIM.
WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING.
JORY WANTED TO GO ONE MORE LEVEL THEY WANTED TO GO TO THE TOP. I SAID “wtf no no no” they legit drAGGED ME UPSTAIRS. Before we did we met some of the chaps there, very nice folk.
LEVEL FOUR WAS “Husbands who provide, is drop dead gorgeous, loves kids AND helps with housework.” This is where we saw a whole lot of people and purchasing and I downright felt bad for these dudes.
I remember going up to a tube and just talking to the guy about his day and stuff, some lady saw us chatting and after we were done chatting, I waved goodbye and he waved back as that said lady came up to him & started to chat with him as well! Later when me and Jory were looking at the weird accessories that came with the robots I saw him & that lady talking to the clerk…
He looked at me with a smile of sweetness yet…I don’t know.
JORY WANTED TO GO TO THE TOP.
FUCK.
Level Five “Husbands who provide, is drop dead gorgeous, loves kids AND helps with housework AND AND is very romantic in their own unique way”
I thought I would never contribute money to this…I thought Jory would but then we met him. Darby.
We walked around the clothes aisle and then Jory punched my arm, I went “wtF can’t you see I’m-“ they then pointed in the very corner and saw Darby was all alone and he looked sad.
We were like “fuck oh no” and went up to him. He sat there in his tube and he was small like SMALL like not 5ft but like 4ft.
Jory pushed me to him as I’m more understanding and good at cheering people up then Jory is.
Jory once set a house on fire trying to cheer Sheriff up…Sheriff is a dog.
So I went up to Darby and asked him what’s wrong…he looked at me and sprang up from the ground, pressed his face close to the tube and looked at me with big puppy dog eyes.
I don’t even have the words to how to describe this like what.
I repeat my question again and stepped closer and he went a bit red, oh no.
“Um, your very…tall.”
“UHH THANKS. Uhhh, introduce yourself?”
“Ah right! I’m Darby! Who must you two be?”
“I’m Hudson and this is Jordan, the one that is awkwardly waving.”
Darby chuckled and looked at me and we talked, all three of us and then he popped the question.
“C-Can you buy me? Please?”
“….NOPE.”
And I legit sped walk away from Darby and dragged Jory with me, Jory punched my arm and told me to stop and- well they wanted to buy Darby.
“Wtf nO NO NO- I AM NOT CONTRIBUTING TO THIS”
“BUT YOU HEARD DARBY! HE MIGHT GET REBOOTED OR EVEN RECYCLED IF HE DOESNT SELL!”
“NOT MY PROBLEM THAT HES A ROBOT!”
“HUDSON!”
“JORDAN!”
We argued, talked and just basically debated if we should get Darby or not. He is a robot and is green energy (which means solar charged so I mean??) and can help clean the house but no.
No no no, rather not contribute at all.
But when I went back to look at Darby…he looked like he was about to cry and…he had puppy eyes. Also at the fact that he just looked so damn…sad.
He said something about hating his tube and was curious on what was out there! He was very curious & like it when I showed him our dog, Sheriff.
FUCKING DAMN IT! I said yes but he was Jordan’s nOT MINE.
Jordan happily agreed and let Darby out. The whole time though he was looking at me…ew.
We bought a man. A literal man.
Wtf.
Imma have to run for politics after this.
Darby was now our new roommate and his name was now Darby Penton.
I’m no Penton and neither is Jory, Darby just liked the sound of Darby Penton.
Jory made him his room and we set the rules for Darby. Or DP.
DP, was to clean the house when we weren’t home, cook dinners on Tuesdays and Thursdays and watch TV with us every now and then. We adopted a man.
And Darby is like…really caring.
Too caring.
Especially to me.
Like hE KEEPS DOING CUTE SHIT TO ME AND IDK HOW TO FEEL ABOUT IT.
HES A ROBOT BUT THIS DUDE IS SLICK AS HELL.
Like OKAY EXAMPLE TIME.
DP likes me more then Jory because I remember saying while we were chilling in the living room.
“Damn, look guys there’s this new hat I want but this shit is expensive…imma wait a month or two for the price to go down.”
DP LEGIT GOOGLED THE CHEAPEST OPTIONS ON THE INTERNET WITH HIS SUPER MIND AND WAS ABLE TO BUY THE HAT WITH HIS ALLOWANCE WE GAVE HIM!
He said and I quote-
“This is a Gift…roomie.” And he tried to wink.
Jory thought this was fucking funny but my ass is in therapy because this just feels WRONGGGGGGG! We adopted a robot man and this robot man likes me???
Nah fuck this, FUCK JORY FUCK YOUUUUUU!
Goodness gracious what am I gonna do? DP is super cool but at the same time I’m not feeling it with him as he’s like idk A FUCKING ROBOT.
THAT CAN BE BOUGHT & SOLD & REPROGRAMMED?!
This shit is so FUCKED.