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Shuhua stared blankly at the ceiling in the dark. Her whole body was aching for sleep after all the schedules, but she couldn't fall asleep.
It was one of those nights.
She looked at the ceiling as if it were a silent staring contest. One that Shuhua would ultimately lose as the dark ceiling before her started forming into some other dark abyss. She'd never admit that defeat to others, though.
Eventually getting bored, Shuhua tossed her head over to the side. The slightly opened window let in some fresh air, a small light, and possibly bugs. Closing it feels optimal so as not to let in any unwanted guests, but she had no energy to do so.
So Yeh Shuhua laid like a corpse in the middle of the night like an idiot.
Why isn't she sleeping? If you asked any member about the person who sleeps the most, the answer would be Shuhua. Yet here she is, eyes not closing, mind wandering somewhere else.
During these types of nights, she'd go to the only person who helped. Her.
Why is it so hard to speak of her name suddenly?
That name Shuhua would mention over and over again, that name that rang in her voice full of enthusiasm and love. The name that is now like a forbidden crime. Soojin, her Soojin. The one who was like her life support yet ultimately had to leave all because of unnecessary drama.
Shuhua tossed over to the other side out of frustration.
After Soojin left, it felt like some personal hell, a sick joke. It took her several weeks - No. Months. Months to be able to sleep peacefully without unexpected tears filling her eyes. That time period, when she worked nonstop to be able to fill the hole that was Soojin. The group needed a bandage to stick on an openly bleeding wound, and what better contestant do you have other than Yeh Shuhua herself.
The unbreakable, confident, self loving Yeh Shuhua.
She has worked hard for her mindset and self-image. She's the one who preaches about not letting the past dwell on you because you're in the present. Yet she gets drowned by these waves of past nostalgia that seem to sink her deeper and deeper no matter how hard she tries swimming back up to the surface.
What even happens once you reach the surface?
Some sort of reward? Self gratification? A diploma? Or the cruel realisation that once you reach the surface, you're still bound to drown again?
Shuhua closed her eyes and recalled one night when she couldn't fall asleep. Those comments and looks from other people she got tormented her. She'd never admit it, though. The confident image needs to stay clear after all.
What a fragile confident image it was.
So, without any hope left, Shuhua silently got herself to Soojin's room and laid next to the now awake girl.
"Shu... It's 2am." The older tiredly whispered, her eyes not even opened.
"Can't sleep." Shuhua could only reply so shortly as she gently laid next to Soojin, hoping her presence didn't disturb the older too much.
Huh, it wasn't that bad of an idea after all. That thought went over Shuhua's mind as Soojin gently put her arm around her. They laid comfortably in each other's embrace. Shuhua would be lying if she said this didn't affect her much. The comfort felt so nice and familiar that it made those comments seem irrelevant and gone as she closed her eyes. The soft breathing on her neck deemed a nice bonus.
But now Soojin is gone. Shuhua could extend her arm anywhere she wanted, and it would just be an empty surface of sheets. Like an empty horizon in a sea full of deadly waves without any safe land.
Soojin was like her safe island. A place free from the waves. A place where you only see the waves as something you give a silent goodbye to and move on.
Deciding that it was too pathetic staying like this, Shuhua quietly sat up. She looked over to Haku and Mata peacefully sleeping next to her. It reminded her of how she and Soojin would peacefully sleep together. Or, well, when they'd peacefully sleep together, but Shuhua would get annoying so an irritated Soojin would have to kick her out of bed.
Using her totally-legit-masterful ninja skills, Shuhua climbed out of bed without (surprisingly) waking up the dogs.
A walk would definitely clear her mind.
She got out of her room and looked over to Miyeon's door. Shuhua could tell that after Soojin left, Miyeon took on the role of smothering Shuhua a tiny bit too seriously. She appreciated it, but it will never be the same or better than before.
Slowly closing the front door and locking it, she was finally outside (with a coat, of course). The cool breeze here was definitely stronger than the one she lightly felt in her room.
The city was gleaming with its lights even though most civilians were asleep. It is dangerous for an idol to go on a walk alone in the middle of the night, but Shuhua was covered enough. Or so she thinks.
She went to a park close to home. The lights here feel like some cheap replacement of the stars. Looking at the stars was always comforting to the younger. When she'd feel lonely in Korea after trainee practice, she would look at the stars and imagine it's her friends cheering her on. It's a stupid belief, but what's around us connects us.
Shuhua found herself sitting on one of the benches. Whether intentionally or not, it was the same bench she used to sit on together with Soojin. Late night walks felt like a great stress reliever after work. Or maybe it's some excuse to be able to escape from the crushing reality that is being an idol. It's fun, yes. You get to follow your dreams, but this whole saga of high expectations and demands gets too overwhelming at times.
Shuhua took a deep breath. The longing for the old times to come back still nibbles at her brain, but she is moving on.
And so is Soojin.
And so is everyone.
So she'll learn to get to the surface, swim through the waves. Maybe even get better at that. And then, just maybe, she'll find a boat. A boat that could be a great starter of her journey for land.
A journey where the waves help her instead.