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Dealing with anxiety hasn’t been easy for Ted lately. He doesn’t really talk about it, he doesn’t show it, but deep down he knows he needs some time to recharge and get back on track. He also knows that Rebecca sees when something is wrong with him. She’s always been there for him whenever he went through a panic attack. But right now, the last thing he wants is to burden her with his inner struggles. He sees Sharon once a week. That should be enough. And yet, Ted feels like he is regressing. He’s been putting a lot of pressure on himself recently and of course, eventually it started manifesting in physical symptoms.
He can’t really think, can’t focus on work, can’t sleep, can’t even relax properly. He starts worrying about little things. Then he starts worrying about worrying about little things just to catch himself dissociating during a training session. It’s all a never ending cycle and he is aware that he can't hide whatever is going on with him anymore.
So when Rebecca turns off the TV during their lazy afternoon together and looks at him with soft eyes, he’s almost sure that it's going to be a longer conversation.
She observes him closely, probably noticing the way he’s clutching the material of his hoodie. He drops his gaze to his hands as soon as he sees her staring and he stops himself from fidgeting.
Rebecca raises an eyebrow at him. “Ted, I can see what is happening. What's wrong?”
Ted sighs. He leans on the backrest of the couch and looks at her. There are barely visible bags under his eyes.
“It’s nothin’. I'm sorry I've been a bit off recently. I didn’t mean to-”
“Ted,” she interrupts him. She scoots closer to him and puts her hand on his, trying to give him some comfort. “Please, talk to me. You know you don’t have to pretend in front of me.”
Her voice is so gentle, so loving. Ted looks at their hands and he interwines their fingers. His other hand keeps squeezing his hoodie as if to relieve some of the tension he is carrying inside. And of course, she notices.
Rebecca looks at him and asks, “Do you want me to get you your anti stress toy?”
Ted immediately nods, grateful for her thoughtfulness.
“I'll be right back.” She lets go of his hand and leaves the room for a moment. When she comes back, she gives him a purple stress ball and sits down beside him on the couch, making sure he has some space for himself.
Ted holds the toy in his hands and starts squeezing it. He observes how the ball changes its shape and he sighs. It was actually Rebecca who gave it to him. He never thought such a thing would help him manage his anxiety. And yet, it became his default coping mechanism. Focusing on it instead of the tightness in his chest is a great way for him to calm down. And Rebecca knows it. Sometimes he forgets to put it in his backpack when he heads for work and then he finds it on the desk in his office. Those little gestures really make him feel cared for.
Suddenly, he feels Rebecca’s fingers gently running through his hair and he leans into her touch, closing his eyes. Rebecca smiles warmly at this sight.
“Feeling better?”
“Yeah. Thank you, Rebecca.” Ted looks at her and sees her worried eyes.
She takes a deep breath and asks, “Are you ready to talk?”
Ted nods, sighing. He looks down at the stress ball and squeezes it, trying to stay calm.
“You're not sleeping well.” Rebecca looks at him with empathy and keeps stroking his hair in a soothing way. “Is something worrying you, love?”
Ted doesn't move. He doesn't know exactly how to express what he feels. It's never easy considering the fact that sometimes he has no idea how he feels. But he wants to be honest with her so he decides to just try his best to help her understand.
“My anxiety's been worse for some time and I don't know how to deal with it.” He takes a shaky breath, feeling the weight of his emotions in his chest.
Rebecca’s face softens. “Have you been talking to Sharon?”
“Yeah, I… I have. But it doesn't help.” Ted squeezes the ball harder, feeling the anxiety building up in his body. He puts his hand on his chest, trying to ground himself.
The sudden movement catches Rebecca’s attention as she puts her hand over his and looks at him.
“Is your chest tight? Are you panicking?”
Ted shakes his head. “I just feel…” He pauses for a second to gather his thoughts. “There's this pain in my chest and… and it doesn’t go away.”
“For how long have you been feeling like this?”
“I don't know. A few days maybe? These physical symptoms are worryin’ me. I… I feel like I'm losin’ it. I… I…” Ted is trying to be calm but he feels like he can't even control his own body and it just straight up frightens him. He feels Rebecca taking his hand from his chest and squeezing it gently. He looks at her and sees nothing but love in her eyes.
“Ted, slow down. It's okay.” She starts rubbing his chest with her palm, soothing him. “Breathe. Just take some deep breaths with me, okay? Focus on your breathing. Everything is okay. You're safe, darling.”
Her words, her voice, her touch, it’s all so reassuring that he closes his eyes. Rebecca helps him relax, breathing with him and rubbing his chest in warm circles. Ted slowly calms down.
After a few more deep breaths, Rebecca speaks quietly, “That's it. You're doing so well, Ted. Keep breathing.”
He looks at her and smiles weakly, nodding.
“Is the pain easing up?”
“A bit.”
“Okay. Lie down, please.”
Ted lies down on the couch, watching her slip behind him. Rebecca wraps her arm around him, putting her palm on his heart, and she presses his back to her chest. She uses her other hand to gently stroke his hair, running her fingers through it.
“You can relax, love. I'll take care of you. Everything's alright,” she whispers and kisses his shoulder.
All those little affections make Ted feel safe. The muscles that have been tense for a while ease up and he is pretty sure Rebecca can feel it since she breathes a sigh of relief. When he closes his eyes, she keeps whispering sweet nothings to his ear, hugging him and keeping him close. Ted can feel her steady heartbeat, which also has a soothing effect on him.
They stay like this for some time and Ted doesn’t even realise when his breathing comes back to normal. The pain in his chest is almost gone. He feels very relaxed in general.
“Rebecca?” he whispers, squeezing her hand.
She stops stroking his hair and props herself on her elbow to have a better look at him. “I'm here. How are you feeling?”
Ted shifts slightly to look at her. There are tears in his eyes as he smiles softly at her. “Thank you for bein’ so nice to me. I feel so much better.”
Rebecca smiles warmly and cups his face, wiping his tears away with her thumbs. “Don't thank me, Ted. I do this because you deserve it. Because I love you. Besides, I love taking care of you. You know that, silly.”
Ted chuckles quietly and lifts his head from the couch to kiss her on the lips. She kisses him back, closing her eyes for a moment. Her lips are soft and warm.
They slowly pull away and sit up on the couch. Ted puts his stress ball on the coffee table and sighs calmly. He feels Rebecca’s fingers in his hair once again as she kisses his cheek and murmurs, “I think I'll make myself a cup of tea. Do you want hot cocoa?”
Telling him that instead of hey, if you want, i'll go to the kitchen and make you hot cocoa. She knows him too well. Whenever he is in a bad headspace, she tries not to make him feel like a burden. And he knows that Rebecca never thinks of him like that. It's not a problem for her to do things for him, especially on days like this. She wants to be there for him. It’s just his inner struggle.
All his life, it has always been him who took care of others. Most of the time, he didn't even think of fulfilling his needs, he ignored them so he could focus on making his close ones happy, making them feel special. That’s why it’s so difficult for him to actually let people do stuff for him now. Sharon says Ted has some people pleasing habits. They have been working on setting boundaries and developing a new mindset which is supposed to help him replace those habits with healthier ones. He needs to understand that it’s okay to let his guard down and be vulnerable with people who care about him. The healing process is complicated but he believes he'll get there someday.
“Hot cocoa sounds perfect,” Ted says, looking at her with gratitude in his eyes.
Rebecca smiles and nods. She gets up from the couch and takes Ted's soft blanket from the armchair. She tucks him with it, making sure he is comfortable.
“All warm and cozy,” she says and kisses him on the lips. Then she starts walking towards the kitchen and adds, “I'll be right back.”
When she leaves the room, Ted takes a deep breath and exhales loudly. Sometimes all he needs to feel better when anxiety accumulates is a nice cuddle with Rebecca. He puts his hand on his chest and finally feels like he can breathe freely.
After a moment, Rebecca comes back to the living room with her cuppa and his cocoa in her hands. She passes him his hot drink and sits down beside him, letting him lean on her. She sips her tea and asks, “Ted, is your chest alright?”
“Yeah. I mean, there’s still this strange feelin’ but it's slowly easin’ up. I’ll be a-okay.” He smiles, holding his mug in his hands and enjoying the warmth of it.
“That's good. That's good.” Rebecca rubs his arm. “Is there anything you want to talk about?”
Ted thinks for a moment. He's not sure what to say.
“I don't know why I've been so anxious lately. It just kind of happens, you know? Even if there aren’t any triggers, I sometimes overthink things and put myself under a lot of pressure,” Ted explains, sipping the cocoa.
Rebecca nods with an understanding expression. “You shouldn’t feel like you can't talk to me when you feel overwhelmed.”
He sighs, “I know. I guess… I'm still workin’ on it. Lettin’ people in and sharin’ stuff with ‘em.”
“Darling, I'll always have your back. No matter how you're feeling, no matter how hard it is to explain what you feel, I'll always listen. And I'll try my best to help you go through it.” Rebecca wraps her arm around him and whispers, “Can you promise me one thing?”
Ted looks at her, raising his eyebrows, and he asks, “What thing?”
“Promise me you'll tell me if you ever feel like this again. Can you do that?”
“Yeah. Okay. I promise.”
Rebecca looks at him as he sips his cocoa.
“I just want to be there for you.” She presses a kiss on his temple and whispers, “I love you, Ted.”
“I love you too, Becca. Very much.”
He rests his head on her shoulder and snuggles against her side, sighing calmly. Rebecca keeps him close.
“I'm proud of you,” she says, smiling at him.
Ted lifts his head and looks at her with a puzzled expression on his face. “For what? I still can't manage my anxiety properly. I still struggle. A lot.”
Rebecca soothes him, rubbing his arm. She murmurs, “I'm proud of you because you don't give up. Because, even if it's hard, even if you have a worse moment, even if it feels like you're not moving forward, you keep fighting. And that, my love, is enough. All that matters is that you exist and you’re loved. That's all you have to do, Ted. Just exist.”
He smiles at her softly and whispers, “Thank you, Rebecca. I don’t know what else to say. I'm… I’m just so lucky to have you.”
Rebecca chuckles, “Did I make Ted Lasso speechless?”
“Wowza. You know what? I think you did.” Ted chuckles and puts their drinks on the coffee table. He hugs her and kisses her on the lips. “I guess I’ll have to show you just how much you mean to me.”
Rebecca laughs as he gets on top of her, gently pushing her to lie down on the couch. He grins and kisses her neck, caressing her arms.
“I love you,” he whispers in her ear and leans back slightly to kiss her on the lips. Then, he lies down next to her and hugs her, nuzzling her neck.
Rebecca hugs him back, letting him rest his head on her chest.
Ted murmurs, “I could fall asleep like this.”
“That's actually a great idea," she says. "You should get some sleep. You're probably exhausted.”
Ted nods and sighs. “Will you hold me?”
“Of course.” Rebecca keeps her arms wrapped around him as he closes his eyes. She kisses the top of his head. “Get some rest, love. I’ve got you.”
Ted listens to her heartbeat. This woman is his home. He has never felt safer with anyone else than with her. She is everything to him and Ted will always be grateful that she found him.
Rebecca found him and gave him exactly what he needed and when he needed it.
In no time, Ted starts drifting off to sleep in her arms.