Work Text:
Nick didn’t want to come to terms with it, because that would mean the bubble that he has been living in these past couple of weeks would be burst and he would have to face reality: that his best friend, his boyfriend for only a short while was gone and now Nick had to navigate a life without him. He prayed that it was just another one of his bad nightmares that dictated his life and that he would wake up soon and see his radiant boy’s face once again. An immense guilt weighed upon Nick, crushing his heart even thinking about what he could have done differently. If only he checked up on Charlie more. If only he never got into that stupid fight with Harry over something that he said. If he didn’t care what the rugby lads said to him or how they treated Charlie as if he was nothing. Maybe, just maybe Charlie would still be here, holding his hand through all the pain and difficulty with his life. Charlie was a shining grace in Nick’s life, he made him laugh on days when Nick wanted nothing more than to curl up into a ball and detach himself from society. Charlie had only been his boyfriend for a matter of months but changed his life and brought back the true and authentic Nick.
The news was told on the Truham-Higgs Sports Day, the day where he made a mental note to speak to Charlie after the rugby match and hopefully resolve any of the conflict involved and how Charlie was the best thing that ever happened to him. He entered the school building, and there was a suspicious hum of hushed voices who looked at him and then towards their friends. People who had never met came up to him and offered him sympathy for what had happened without telling them what happened. One of the guidance counsellors came up to Nick and asked him to see her after he had been registered. He was more than confused, he was feeling perplexed. A knot began to form in his stomach and a sense of nausea washed over him but he decided to shake it off. As he was walking towards his form room, he locked eyes with Tao and Issac: Tao scowling at him as if he was pissed off enough so that would send a strongly worded DM towards him and Issac with a look of sorrow and almost regret. He was confused, why were Charlie’s friends looking so sad and as if someone had drained the batteries out of their souls.
As he made it into his form room, both of the seats where Charlie and him normally sat lay empty. Charlie hadn’t arrived yet, but was always hot on punctuality unless he was unwell, Nick made another mental note to check whether he was okay and was coming in on Monday morning. He made his way and all of a sudden, he was graced by a hug from one of the lads from the picnic table and now then he knew that something clearly wrong because the rugby lads never hugged each other, it was not cool and he knew that Harry would no doubt have some sort of homophobic slur about the fact that they were hugging each other. But something was wrong.
Quickly, he made it to the counsellor's office and knocked on her door, and as she opened it, she saw a face of pure sorrow and pity for Nick. He still did not understand why everyone looked so remorseful at him, had something happened? Something had obviously happened to Charlie but no one actually had the nerve to say anything about it.
“Nick Nelson?” She spoke calmly.
“Yes, hello. You asked to see me after form” Nick responded with an air of panic lacing his tone.
“I am sorry, so deeply sorry that I am the one who had to tell you this news.”
His heart began beating and pounding outside of his chest. What had happened? What was wrong with his Charlie?
“I understand you were close friends..”
“Boyfriends actually”.
A small ‘o’ formed at the tip of her mouth and then she finally spoke again. “Oh then this makes the news harder to deliver to you”
“Charlie ended his life last night, allegedly fed up with fighting with his ruminating thoughts. He did make clear that you were not in fact the cause of this situation and that you were quite frankly a reason he stayed slightly longer than he thought he would. Just know Nick, that the school will support you through this difficult period and we will try and make school a place that you used to love so well.”
Nick just sat there, at a complete loss for words or sense. All the things he missed out on, he did not even tell his mum that he was bisexual yet, and dating the best thing that had ever happened to him and how he finally felt like life was looking up and he was doing better, but now his Charlie was gone and never returned. He would never come home. If only he never provoked a fight with the stupid rugby lads over something they said, if only he checked up on him more often or noticed the shifts in Charlie’s behaviour.
Nick didn’t even care that he was currently walking out of school and missing Sports Day and as he walked past the bench where he used to hang out every single morning before school, Harry locked eyes with him and just said “Looks like your fag saved us all a job”. Nick just grabbed Harry by the scruff of the neck and punched the absolute shit of him. Demolishing his already black eye. Nick quite frankly didn’t care, he didn’t care that he was suspended, every single place reminded him of Charlie and it was all too painful to be there at the current time. Nick wondered whether he would ever be able to go back to Truham and that the memory of Charlie would ever dissipate.
He ran home, building up a sweat and as he made it to his front door, he knocked frantically begging his mother to let him into the house, and she was confused to wonder why Nick was not at school, competing at Sports Day. He met her eye contact and just burst into tears and just muttered the words “Charlie’s dead mum, Charlie is fucking dead and it’s all my fucking fault.” Sarah just allowed him to sob into her shoulders and maybe for a split second he felt like everything was going to be okay but obviously it wasn’t going to be. Sarah allowed him to give her the biggest, most bone-crushing hug in the entire world. The world that he knew had stopped spinning.
Nick was just existing, he didn’t feel anything. He was numb. Then a few years later, Nick was reunited with his loverboy and maybe for once he felt true happiness again.