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San has always been a very tactile person. Since childhood, he loved hugs, kisses, any physical contact that made him feel confident that he was truly loved. Of course, he never forced anyone into this and did not always expect the same from a person, but still it was his weakness. Every time he felt the warmth of another person, every time he had the opportunity to grab onto someone emotionally... These fleeting, sincere moments helped him feel truly alive.
Yunho's hug was special. San really loved it. It was always so warm and pleasant, he felt calmer and protected. Usually, it happened spontaneously, in outbursts of joy or grief, but it very rarely came from Yunho himself, and sometimes San actually hesitated to invade his personal space again. It wasn't that he didn't trust Yunho or was afraid, it was just that he always respected him and his personal boundaries.
He knew Yunho wouldn't mind, but that's what he was like: he never refused and was compliant. San made it a habit to always talk to him, remind him of how important and loved he is. He diligently tried to give him exactly as much as he received. All this resonated with the other members, who were always happy to help him in difficult moments and always extended a helping hand to him. And, as a joke, Yunho quickly became their “mutual boyfriend.” And it was cool, really, but—
San was jealous.
Of course, they no longer live together and Yunho never let him doubt his affection for him, but San was always overthinking person and seeing him in someone else’s arms sometimes seemed too unbearable. He endured, was silent and smiled, but inside he was ready to sob bitterly and scream at everyone who touched Yunho nonstop and begged for hugs. After all, he wanted to be attentive and not go against his principles because of this stupid, nasty feeling. He wanted Yunho to take that first step, he was waiting for it.
This even became the cause of quarrels, but, of course, not everyone could understand San’s irritability. Moreover, he could never explain to them his true reasons and thoughts and admit it anyway. Especially to Yunho, who, like a sullen puppy, lowered his invisible ears when they argued and tried to stop them.
Silly puppy.
During their time together, it began to seem to him that something was happening between them. Random touches, clumsy attempts to hide embarrassment, long night conversations and hugs before sleep... But maybe this was really just a flight of his imagination?
Over time, San learned to live with the fact that they were no longer neighbors and he no longer had unlimited access to the warm embrace of the guy sitting at their table playing yet another game. Perhaps, San is just making things up, perhaps, his suspicion and panic are not even grounded and he needs to finally become more mature and get over it. It just takes him a long time to get used to the changes and besides, a separate room really turned out to be a luxury that they could not even dream of at the time.
There were times when San and Yunho would just lie on the floor of their shared room in a dorm and fantasize about how they would decorate their own in the future and what they would like to have in it. He couldn’t even imagine that those unpleasant moments of their minor quarrels, when he wanted inaccessible solitude and peace, from the eternal noise of seven guys, would make him go back to memories and nostalgia.
He tried to just go with the flow and not focus on his stupid feelings that cause apathy and sadness. After all, they see each other every day and he has access to hugs from any member at any time, so there was no point in complaining.
Everything was fine.
***
It was their filming for another show. After several takes, everyone went about their stuff during the break and San decided to distract himself by playing on his phone. Staff were sorting their equipment, several cameras were still filming them for behind-the-scenes moments and members were enthusiastically giving interviews every now and then.
And that was the moment when Yunho appeared literally out of nowhere, smiling at him and holding out his hands towards him. San froze and hesitated, not really understanding what he was asking for, until long, warm arms wrapped around him and Yunho pressed himself against his back. San purred contentedly.
Yunho hugged him? Like... For real?
He could not even think that this was actually happening, so casually and in such a place. After all, this spoke of his spontaneity, which was undoubtedly very pleasant. He needed San's hug and decided to find him. For hugs. First.
"What are you doing?" Yunho asks next to his ear, sending goosebumps all over his body.
San puts the phone in his pocket and wraps his hands around his waist. Yunho just presses him closer.
"I'm playing. What is that—"
"Do you like it?" Yunho asks again, running his nose along his neck. San smiles awkwardly at the camera, which begins to film them, and instinctively straightened up, watching his words and actions.
"What?"
"I'm hugging you!" Yunho laughs and starts swaying them from side to side. San laughs with him and nods confidently at the camera.
"Really like." Are you kidding? It's the best feeling in the world. And he doesn't even exaggerate about it for the show. “It feels like I’m being hugged by a big puppy.”
San knows Yunho loves this pet name and elder chuckles shyly at the camera, slightly intertwining their fingers.
San wishes he could be in a similar position with him under different circumstances, but he bravely endures the end of the shoot and turns to Yunho, who loosens his grip a little and looks away.
"And what was that?" San raises his eyebrow in disbelief, not wanting to let him go. Yunho awkwardly rubs the back of his neck while his other hand continues to rest on San's thin waist. San feels his fingers tighten on the fabric and instinctively presses closer to him, not even trying to look around and make sure that no one is looking.
“I just wanted to hug you,” Yunho mumbles, embarrassed. San finds this behavior strange. Yunho giggles a lot and blushes, which indicates his awkwardness, but he has never experienced this with him before. Why is he—
“Okay—" San says after a short pause, wrapping his arms around Yunho's waist and hugging him back, playfully rubbing his nose against his shirt. "I'm very happy about it."
Yunho relaxes a little and allows his arms to wrap around the younger's broad shoulders, burying his nose in his red hair. Yunho noisily inhales his scent and hums something about his shampoo. San smiles at his elated state and tries not to think about the bad, in such a pleasant, peaceful moment, while they just stand there against the wall, hugging.
Yunho pulls away too quickly and smiles warmly at him, running his hand over his cheek. San presses himself against it and turns his head to place a short kiss on his thumb. Yunho laughs at this and flicks his nose.
"See you later, okay?" He carefully straightens the hair on his forehead and San feels his knees buckle. Something in this gesture makes him want more, a pleasant burning sensation spreads in his chest and a slight tingling occurs in his lower abdomen. He forces himself to blink and nod when he notices that Yunho is still waiting for his answer.
"Great, don't get tired, Sannie."
It makes San smile the widest smile he has. And this smile is in no hurry to leave him for the rest of the day.
***
As the filming day ends and they gets ready to go home, some of them gather at the entrance to wait for the others and talk to each other for a while. San jokes with Wooyoung as usual and glances at Yunho, who smiles at him and winks.
Mingi comes up next to him with manager, who is holding a camera and laughing. Wooyoung smiled and took a step towards him, intrigued.
"What are you laughing at, hyung?" Wooyoung asks a little louder than usual.
The manager raises an eyebrow in surprise and shakes his head, smiling warmly at him.
"I look at your confused faces when Yunho carried out his mission. I think the fans will love it."
San frowns in confusion and stop moving. What mission are they talking about?
"Hug mission? For KCON?" Mingi clarifies and laughs when the manager nods and hands the camera to the employee.
San's heart skips a beat.
"Was this a mission?!" Wooyoung screams, and in fact, San screams it with him inside himself.
Yunho blinks in confusion and smiles awkwardly at them when Wooyoung stomps his foot and points at him. "You! So all this was just for the mission?"
“I knew it would all end like this,” Hongjoong approached displeasedly, throwing his bag on the floor and sighing heavily, waiting for a quarrel to start. The manager looks at everyone in turn with confusion, to which Hongjoong just shakes his head.
“I told you that I would hug our members too, didn’t I?” Yunho is perplexed, dodging the tenacious hands of Wooyoung, who is simultaneously laughing and angry at him.
“Then I’m just a fool. I trusted you!"
San stands in his place, watching the verbal skirmish between the two friends and cannot say a word.
And what can he do? Shout? Blame him? Throw another scandal, after which he will be ashamed of himself again?
"Did he hug you too?" San decided to ask and Wooyoung splashes his hands, actively nodding to him.
"Yes, he did this to everyone!"
"Can’t I hug someone?" Yunho continues to defend himself and looks around to try to find support. "Did I do something bad?"
San feels his face involuntarily change, his fists and jaw are clenching and he bites his lips. His eyes sting and his nose tickles unpleasantly, and he knows for sure that this is the first sign of his uninvited tears, which he barely manages to hold back.
Everything around freezes. He does not hear any voices or general excitement. All his attention is focused on Yunho and there is a huge red haze around him. San doesn't know what's written on his face when Yunho turns around and looks at him too, but he knows exactly what he feels.
No one looks at him or notices his changed behavior. No one, except Yunho, who bats his long eyelashes innocently and silently whispers an apology to him with his lips. But what is he apologizing for? They are not even lovers and, indeed, Yunho does not belong to him and can hug anyone. But—
"Why are you cheating on me?" San suddenly scream, when Wooyoung mumbles something displeasedly, and Yunho is completely lost.
Silence reigns in the room and San forgets how to breathe for a second. He just wants to run away from everyone, close himself in the back room and cry his eyes out from his stupidity.
What did he just say? Unbelievable.
Some of them are tense, including their manager, who is already holding his hand ready to stop filming, but of course San won’t make a scene. He’s already done that and said a lot of unnecessary things, so he just laughs awkwardly and turns it all into a joke. He hides his gaze and lowers his head to the floor, feeling someone else's gaze on him. Somehow, he knows exactly who it belongs to.
Panic slowly seizes him and he feels a lump in his throat preventing him from breathing normally. His palms are sweating and his back, despite the heat throughout his whole body, is covered in cold sweat, from which he gets goosebumps and twitches.
God, let this end soon. Someone just tell them they're okay, just—
"San is right!" Wooyoung supports, smoothing out the awkwardness and lightly hitting Yunho on the shoulder. San mentally sighs and thanks him for that. "You are such a cheater!"
Yunho sighs in defeat and grabs the younger boy's hand to pull him towards him and hug him until Mingi covers them with himself in front of the camera.
"Why are they even angry about that?"
San tries to put a smile on his face back and pushes his resentment deeper in order to also maintain the general mood and hug Yunho with trembling arms, who himself reaches out to meet him and tries to look into his eyes.
San doesn't allow him to do this.
***
The drive home didn’t take much time, but San is in no hurry to get out of the car, not sure what will happen to him when he finds himself alone within his own four walls.
The situation with Yunho, no matter how much he denied it, still affected his behavior and he was completely lost in his thoughts, not even trying to pay attention to others. Although it all ended on a seemingly happy note, he still couldn't believe his naivety and stupidity.
As San already knew, Yunho doesn’t do things first and doesn’t always allow everyone come into his personal space in such a way, so this seemingly insignificant and spontaneous decision of him was a kind of victory for San. After all, despite their closeness and living together in the past, Yunho rarely allowed himself to do too much. Even when San wanted this extra.
And San really didn’t understand what his problem was. Did he really do or say something wrong? Or maybe the reason for this was San's strange behavior? Maybe he somehow gave him a sign that he didn't want this anymore? Or maybe he was begging for it too actively?
San is completely confused. Yunho does skinship with others so often. Why doesn’t he allow himself to act just as freely with him?
San crawls out of the car after the third song and stands on the street for a while, breathing in the cool evening air. He forces himself to let go of this situation and save face. Well, really, why did he suddenly explode at this? What an idiot.
This should in no way affect their relationships, both in the group and between them. He is willing to sacrifice his pathetic feelings and pretend that everything is fine if it helps them bring back a good atmosphere to the team. After all, he had practiced enough at it and learned to control it.
Well, he thought so. And he hoped that others thought the same. At least they're trying.
San adjusts the strap of his backpack on his shoulder and moves towards the entrance, lazily trudging towards the elevator and pressing the button. Once he's inside, someone else enters the elevator and he gasps in fear when he notices who it is.
"Yun— Yunho?" San aghast, trying not to look so scared. Yunho presses the button and the elevator stops, trapping them in a small space between floors. San does not have claustrophobia, but breathing becomes much more difficult.
“We need to talk, San.” Despite his tone, his actions make San forget all his recent thoughts. Yunho presses him against the mirror wall and comes almost close, grabbing his hands and soothingly stroking the skin on them.
San swallows. The picture is too intimate and beautiful to calm his fast-moving crazy heart. He tries not to lower his gaze below eye level, but fails brilliantly and holds his breath when Yunho licks his lips so attractively before speaking.
"San, that situation with my mission—"
Oh no.
“It’s okay,” San shouts and Yunho freezes, looking at him in amazement at how abruptly San cut him off. Of course, he always respected his reluctance to talk about a particular topic and did not want to push, but now it concerned both of them.
"Why are you behaving this way? If we beat around the bush, it will only get worse."
And it's true. Why is he behaving this way? They finally have the time and opportunity to speak out, but all the words that San would like to say to him suddenly disappear from his head and he completely forgets how to function at all. Yunho's every action makes him tremble, and his strong palms that so gently stroke his arms up and down only make it worse. Now Yunho’s touches are too much and they don’t warm, but burn.
San shrinks and tries to break free.
“Let go,” San insists, trying to push him away when Yunho tightens his grip. "I said that everything is fine."
Hey. Don't think that he actually doesn't have enough strength to do this, but every time he's with Yunho, all his carefully trained muscles are simply useless. His body itself doesn’t even try to find the strength to push him away and, of course, San knows why. But he will never allow himself to admit it.
He is already only a few steps away from madness and the last thing he wants is to invent himself for something that does not actually exist.
Yunho's sad face makes San feel like the worst person in the world. Yunho never was sad and was the “mood” of their group, so seeing the misunderstanding and despair on his face was painful.
And it's all because of him. If San hadn't acted like this—
“San, I won’t let you go anywhere until we talk. I saw how it hurt you."
“I’m really sorry, Yunho. I reacted very sharply, but I’m not offended by you, really—" San gives up, lowering his head and sincerely hoping that Yunho will believe this obvious lie. “I was just trying to make a joke, haha, but as you can see, it didn’t work out very well.”
The silence between them is frightening, but San does not dare to raise his eyes and see what he does not want to see. Yunho chuckles and his tone doesn't seem as friendly as it was, when he lets go of his hands.
"So, you're saying it was just a joke all this time? Not just today,” San sharply jerked his chin up and what he sees makes him break out in sticky sweat. "Are you laughing at me?"
"Of course not! I'm—” San freezes mid-sentence and fearfully opens and closes his mouth, not knowing how to correctly explain everything to him, without going into details. Yunho just turned everything upside down.
"Was you?" Yunho tries again, leaning slightly to look San in the eyes, but like last time, San can’t afford it.
What would happen if Yunho saw the real him and somehow magically learned the truth? How will he react? What if he knew the real truth just by looking at him?
Yunho steps away from him with a sigh and turns away as if he's in pain, and San uses all his willpower not to hold him in place and ask him to stay.
"I don't understand, Sannie. I don't understand you anymore."
San forces himself to smile and straighten up. He urgently needs to correct this misunderstanding between them.
"Listen, I know my behavior has been a little strange lately, but you know— Our schedule, filming and all that. I just get tired and sometimes I freak out, so let's just forget about it, okay?" San laughs insincerely and reaches for the button to quickly finish this and run away from it all. Run away from Yunho.
Now his lonely four walls don’t seem so uncomfortable and he dreams of burying himself under the blanket and hiding from the whole world until tomorrow. Tomorrow he will think about how to improve his situation. Tomorrow is always better than today. Now he no longer has the strength to even explain everything normally to him, he is mentally exhausted and dried up and, of course, it’s not Yunho’s fault. But in this state he can blurt out too much, and their relationship has not been the best lately. San seemed to have stopped feeling what was allowed and what not.
“You always forget that I know you better than anyone,” Yunho says with a chuckle, grabbing his hand and sealing him in place. “The problem is not your behavior in general, but your behavior towards me. Why are you avoiding me?"
Here it is. That terrible, disgusting feeling that slides down his throat, down his esophagus and makes his insides clench, cutting off the air and stopping his heartbeat. It seems that even the blood in his veins stops all movement and everything is fuzzy from lack of oxygen.
San swallows and, finally, looks up to meet Yunho’s sincere gaze as he tries to figure out the situation. It completely breaks him.
He's so pathetic. All his confidence that he will be able to overcome this crumbles before his eyes, breaking and falling at his feet, where his pride has long been lying. All his actions and omissions led to the fact that the kindest, most sympathetic, most significant person for him doubts him. Doubts their friendship. And no matter how San tries to run away from it, he cannot stop his tears, which burn the skin on his cheeks and hide under the collar of his shirt.
Yunho freezes and panics, not at all prepared for the tears, but does not allow San to run out of this damn elevator until he finds out what is really happening to him. He has long noticed the boy's strange behavior and isolation.
And it’s unbearable to watch only from afar and not even be able to help, because San withdraws into himself and run away every time they are alone.
"San—"
"Please, Yunho. I'm very tired, it's okay, really. Just let me go."
Yunho growls and pulls him towards himself a little.
"Gosh, not this time. It's not okay, San! Tell me what's bothering you so we can get through it together, Sannie, please."
San sniffles and closes his eyes, shaking his head.
“This is so stupid, Yunho. It's just so stupid." He keeps shaking his head, as if fascinated, until Yunho stops him and cups his face with his big, soft hands.
"What's stupid? Tell me."
“Every time I see you with someone else, hugging and laughing with them, everything inside me seems to be on fire and my thoughts are confused. You stopped touching me, every time you do it, I think it's because I complain to you about it, but—" San understands that he should stop, that he shouldn't dump all this on him, but now, when he gave free rein to his words, they flow in a huge stream without stopping. He barely has time to breathe between sentences and is afraid to open his eyes. "You’re always with someone, but it’s not me. I feel your insecurities, I tried to respect that but it's so hard. I don't know what to do with this, I just—"
Yunho kisses him. It takes San a few seconds to realize it, but Yunho actually kisses him. Tender, soft lips savor his bottom lip and his tongue gently licks the trails of tears at the corners of his mouth as Yunho moves closer to him, his breath burning his cheeks.
San doesn't react, but he still doesn't realize that this isn't his imagination or mind games, so he just stands there and accepts it, afraid to dispel this beautiful illusion. Yunho doesn't stop there and continues his way all over his face, kissing every millimeter of his salty skin. San grabs his shirt as Yunho returns to his lips and presses one last chaste kiss to him before pulling away.
"My Sannie, honey. I'm so sorry that I made you feel this way." Yunho holds his chin and smiles at him." I was embarrassed too. Every time I noticed your reaction to my touch, your shining eyes and smile that was addressed only to me, I felt that I had a chance. The chance that we feel the same way—" Yunho leans in and kisses him again, unconsciously taking all the air out of him.
San is speechless and his eyes widen, raising his hands and wrapping them around the other’s wrists. Yunho gently runs his thumbs over his face and smiles shyly at him. His face turns a beautiful, pink shade as he moves closer and San finds himself pressed against the wall again.
Does he really mean that? Is Yunho—?
"Yunho— You—"
“I like you, San.” There is only sincerity and confidence in his voice. “I was afraid that my actions might scare you away, so I tried to control myself. But then you just became cold and distant and I couldn’t understand what was wrong. But now I know. I thought I was doing the right thing, but in the end—"
This time San is the one who stops him mid-sentence and covers his lips with his own. He puts those feelings and words that he tried to tell him all this time into his kiss and he is sure that Yunho understands him. He was always braver than him and now, it was he who took the first step. San suffocates in his feelings, which ooze out and flow over his open wounds, healing it. He can't imagine the best ending to this stupid story. He had been waiting for this for so long.
“I like you too,” San whispers between kisses. "I really, really do."
All those insecurities evaporate and he allows himself to run his tongue over someone else's lips, almost immediately receiving an invitation.
San has been kissed before. He wasn't particularly popular in school, but he dated a few people, and Wooyoung had been kind enough to help him maintain his skills for a while after his debut, when they were both still horny teenagers or bored. But nothing could prepare him for the experience that was happening with Jung Yunho now.
He was everywhere, biting, sucking and using his tongue in ways San had never felt before in his life. His head was spinning with excitement, body was burning and actively seeking touch. Yunho grinned knowingly into the kiss and moved his hands lower, tracing jagged lines down his back and stopping at his ass, pressing and holding. He bit San's tongue, swallowing his drawn-out moan and felt his arousal on his thigh.
San broke the kiss and raggedly gulped air, catching his breath. His lips were tingling and he held Yunho stands at a distance with trembling hands to calm down and get himself in order before it goes too far. Yunho in front of him was blurry, his head was spinning and his heart was pounding in his ears, everything around them froze and he wanted to stay in this moment for as long as possible.
It was too long an adventure, especially for his heart.
Yunho hugs him without getting carried away or acting, just sharing this pleasant warmth between them and San finally allows himself to breathe out a sigh of relief. He always loved Yunho's hugs. But now he seems to have become dependent on it.
“I was such an idiot,” San whispers, nuzzling his neck and leaving light kisses there. Yunho nods and laughs.
"We both were." Yunho pulls back a little to get the elevator moving again and intertwines their fingers, leaning closer to his ear. “How about we continue in your room, where I can show you how I really want to touch you, so you don’t doubt it anymore?”
"Damn."
San really needs to learn patience. However, all he does is confidently pull him towards his apartment and figure out how to quickly get rid of his neighbors.