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It was a rather dreary day, the only light in the tower coming from the waning candles as a storm raged outside. Lighting flashed and thunder boomed, many didn’t even leave their rooms, instead choosing to hide away. Enchanters canceled lessons and the Templars were far more scarce than usual. The day reflected your mood.
Jowan had been avoiding you as of late, choosing to spend time with Amell over you. It was never a problem before as Jowan would always make time for you, and he would share his insecurities and how he looked up to Amell. You would always be there to reassure him that he was just as good as Amell, if not better, just in different fields.
You enjoyed helping Jowan, he was always there for you afterall. Except lately of course, your daily nightmares and nightly terrors kept you awake, and there were no familiar arms to pull you into a calming embrace, no soft words to reassure your safety, no gentle humming to lull you back to sleep.
Instead there was silence, and darkness. You spent most of your days studying in your corner of the library, losing yourself in books, only leaving when the Templars come around to tell you to sleep, when you have to attend lessons with your mentor, when your stomach hurts so much you’re forced to eat something to quiet, or when your vision blurs and your head pounds from dehydration.
You were aware your habits were beyond awful, and you could tell that you were suffering for them, but without anyone to remind you that there was life beyond the circle you concealed yourself in, you found you didn’t care.
Whenever you walked through the halls you could feel the worried gazes of your Mentor and the Senior Enchanters, but they weren’t the gazes you wanted .
You wanted Jowan to watch you, to worry over you, to make sure you were taking care of yourself. It was ultimately selfish, you knew, but you didn’t care .
Thunder boomed, causing several mages that were lost in their own tomes to jump. You glanced at them as you made your way to your corner, candle in hand. Pulling out the plush chair, you placed the candle down and sat down. Listening to the pounding of rain against the tower for several moments.
“Alright, let’s see what books we have today,” You thought aloud, it was how you kept yourself from losing your mind, you would claim, but perhaps it had the opposite effect. You pulled the tall stack of books that sat upon the desk closer, going over the titles, you had already read several of them, but you always mixing the tomes up when you cleaned up your corner to head to sleep.
You ended up tugging An In-Depth Explanation of the Fade out of the pile and flipping it open, you began to read, only to be interrupted by a book flying at you.
You shrieked and fell out of the chair to dodge the heavy projectile.
“That’s enough of this self-wallowing shit!” Edlyn, your mentor stood in front of your desk, eyes blazing.
“I-what?” Your words turned into confused squeaks as Edlyn stomped over and tugged you up by your arm.
“First, your changing, because I did not go through all that trouble to get you clothes, only for you to go back to wearing these rags. Second, we’re going to breakfast, and you're eating an entire plate, don’t even try and argue.” You closed your mouth and instead nodded in resignation as you were dragged down the stairs to the Apprentice Quarters. “Third.. actually, first a bath, then clothes, then breakfast. Andraste’s tits, when was the last time you took a bath, or brushed your hair ?” You shrugged, not quite sure yourself.
Thinking about it, you suddenly felt very grimy and readily stripped when Edlyn heated up a tub of water for you, she helped you brush out the rat’s nest of hair that sat atop your head and picked out your clothes for you. You made her look away to get dressed of course, to which your Mentor laughed and made a prude joke. You didn’t even know those were a thing until you met her, honestly..
After you were squeaky clean and your hair was soft and silky, courtesy of your mentors bath oils, which she had oh-so-nicely let you borrow, you followed Edlyn to the dining hall.
The room was steadily filling with chatting apprentices and Enchanters, the Enchanters looked at you with small, hopeful smiles. You momentarily wondered why.
“They were worried, they still are,” Edlyn answered your silent question, sending you a look. “Amell might be Irving’s star pupil, but your their favorite student.” You were handed a plate and herded to a table.
“Why were they worried?” You were confused as you picked at your food, looking at your mentor for an explanation. Edlyn gave you a look.
“Your.. kidding me, yes? You're hardly ever seen outside of ‘your’ corner, you have dark bags under your eyes, you looked like an abomination had gotten ahold of you. You saw how you looked in the mirror.” Edlyn looked at her omelette, melted cheese spilling out of the side as she cut it open with her fork, shoving a piece in her mouth.
“I didn’t.. realize. I’m sorry.” You hung your head, eating your own breakfast slowly.
“You had no idea.. dearie, you're pretty ignorant.” Edlyn laughed, grinning at you. You narrowed your eyes at your plate.
“..I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Haha, whatever you say, dearie. Now then! Once you're done, we’re going to go to my room and have a nice long chat . Cause this new behavior of yours is getting really old, really fast.” You opened your mouth to respond but your mentor placed a hand over your mouth. “Ah, ah. At first, it was fine, you were going through the shit, I got that. But three weeks ? That’s too much, the other Enchanters kept telling me to wait, to let you work through it but, we all agreed that enough is enough , dearie. So, once you're finished, we’re going to my room, yes?”
Edlyn looked to you for a response, resting her chin on her bridged fingers. You opened your mouth to respond, but thought better of it and simply nodded in response. Edlyn grinned at you and left you to eat, scooting aways down the table to talk with some of the other Enchanters.
As a rather loud bout’ of thunder sounded, you were finished with your breakfast and half-way to Edlyn’s room. You caught sight of Amell laughing with Jowan as you passed through the front library, and felt a pain in your chest. Placing a hand near your heart, where the pain originated, you clutched at the fabric of your shirt, narrowing your eyes at the floor.
You looked back up when you felt a gentle hand on your shoulder, you looked up to see your mentor smiling softly at you.
“It’s Jowan isn’t it? That’s been causing you to act like this..” Edlyn was quiet as she led you to her bed and sat down with you.
“I- no.. Jowan always made sure I ate and took care of myself and-” You found yourself stumbling over your words, the pain in your chest ever present. “I- he's been avoiding me..”
“Do you know why?” Edlyn asked softly, brushing your hair away from your face.
“I-” You clutched the fabric of your shirt once more, “I kissed him..” Your voice was barely above a whisper, looking to Edlyn with tears in your eyes. “I- I kissed him and now- now he won’t even talk to me.” Your voice broke and you bit your lip to quiet a sob. Lightning struck outside the tower and briefly illuminated the entire room through the small windows near the ceiling.
“Oh, my little dear, please don’t cry like it’s all your fault. Come here.” Edlyn pulled you into a warm embrace and you hid your face in the collar of her shirt, letting yourself cry. Edlyn gently ran her fingers through your hair and you were reminded of how Jowan would comfort you. “Little dear, listen to me. These things happen, and I know he was our best friend, I know you’ve known eachother since you came to the circle, but you can’t rely on him forever. You can’t blind yourself to everything else, or everyone else because of him.”
She lifted your head, hands on either side of your face. “My little dear, there’s so much more. I know it hurts now, and It will probably always hurt, but you have to forget it. Make an effort to speak with him, by all means. But if he does not make an effort as well, I want you to forget , and move on. Do you understand?” Edlyn brushed a thumb over your cheek, wiping away your silent tears.
You looked down at your legs for several moments before you whispered a quiet ‘yes’ and your mentor pulled you close once more.
You spent the night there, sobbing and soaking in the comfort your mentor offered. You had thought of her as a teacher, a long time ago. But throughout the years, she had become more of a mother than your real one ever was. You told her so, and the response was instantaneous.
“Oh my little dear, If I was your mother, I would be the happiest person in all of Thedas, because you are a gift . I would be honored for you to see me as such.”
Perhaps there was more than Jowan after all, maybe you could try and forget, but the pain in your chest never left, only dulled.