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to others, courtney was rude and strict who always had something to nag about. she was bossy and annoying with a mouth that she couldn’t seem to keep shut. people either feared her or hated her, there was no in between. her ex-boyfriend would definitely agree with those statements, after all, he was the one who made her realize she was a lesbian while they were dating. there were very few people who could tolerate her.
one of them was gwen, her childhood best friend and secret crush. they’ve been inseparable since the moment they talked, and they planned on keeping it that way. to her, courtney was sweet and considerate, and she was one the kindest people in the world. she was funny and charming, she was smarter than anybody in their school, and she had a heart of gold.
courtney was well-aware of the connotations surrounding her and the glares shot at her as she traversed the halls, but she didn’t care. sometimes she did, but she tried to not let it get to her. gwen was always the first person to defend her, saying that they didn’t know her enough to be saying such crude things. courtney had always loved that about gwen, how courageous and blunt she was. the whole world could hate her, but as long as gwen was on her side, she was unstoppable. courtney loves gwen, and gwen loves courtney.
-
THREE MONTHS
“gwen, you ready? your food is gonna get cold,” courtney shouted from downstairs, getting breakfast ready for the both of them.
most of the time, courtney went over to gwen’s house in the mornings since gwen’s parents worked early and didn’t have time to make her breakfast or drive her to school. because of that, courtney got up extra early just to head over to gwen’s house and make sure she had food and wasn’t lonely. once they were done eating, she would drive them to school and blast either heavy metal or indie music in the car.
“almost!” gwen shouted back. “give me a few more minutes!”
courtney just sighed and went upstairs to check on her. gwen always did her makeup in the mornings, and it usually took a while. courtney did her makeup too, but gwen was goth which took more time. sometimes it made them late to school, but courtney didn’t mind, she liked watching gwen do her makeup. it was calming and impressive, and she liked looking at her.
entering gwen’s room with a knock, courtney strided over to gwen’s vanity mirror, black bats and blood splatters all over the rim. though it wasn’t her style, courtney adored gwen’s room and everything goth related. gwen taught courtney about gothic architecture in seventh grade, then gothic literature in ninth. courtney loved to learn about new things, and she was especially eager to learn about something gwen was so passionate about. it went both ways too, courtney loved animals and anything dealing with nature and often spouted random facts, like how a group of frogs was called an army or how some jellyfish were immortale despite most of them only living up to a few hours to a few days. both of them were smart and knowledgeable in their own ways.
gwen peeked over at courtney who was just staring at her. she noticed her, but didn’t say anything. she kept working on her makeup, applying white powder to her face. courtney was absolutely mesmerized, fascinated by every small movement. she watched as gwen’s porcelain skin was coated with a ghost-like white, the blush in her cheeks hidden from the powder. she watched as gwen put on her signature teal lipstick, noting the way her delicate fingers wrapped around the tube. she watched as gwen drew black streaks over her beautiful black eyes, connecting and filling them in.
courtney was so unbelievably, undeniably, uncontrollably in love with her best friend.
“how does this look?” gwen asked, filling in the last parts of her eyeliner. “do they match?”
courtney smiled and nodded. “they look great.”
“but do they match?”
courtney playfully rolled her eyes and giggled. “yes, they do.”
“good!” gwen beamed and packed up her makeup supplies. “ok, let’s head down, i’m starving. what did you make?”
“just eggs and hashbrowns.”
“yum! thanks, courtney.”
courtney felt her heart skip a beat. “anytime, gwen.”
side by side, hearts as one, forever and always together. courtney hoped that it would always be like this; but in just a few months, it wouldn’t be.
-
TWO MONTHS
it was a peaceful saturday afternoon, one where neither courtney or gwen had homework to do or tests to study for. it was a day just for them to relax and take a breather, one that they very much deserved.
the two hung around in courtney’s earthy-feel room with gwen listening to music as she read ‘the raven’ by edgar allen poe, and courtney who was painting while listening to a documentary about forest creatures. neither of them talked or felt the need to, they just enjoyed each other’s company. the silence was kind and beautiful, as were they.
courtney kept a list of scenery and emotions she wanted to capture through splotches of paint and color. she normally never drew people, and whenever she did, it was always of gwen. she never showed her though - obviously -, but she was leaving soon, so maybe she could paint them together for her this one time.
her brush gliding along her canvas, courtney had her easel facing away from gwen, and gwen never peeked. if courtney didn’t want her to look until she was finished, she wouldn’t, and this was one of those times. she didn’t tell gwen that it was for her, she wanted it to be a surprise. courtney had chosen a picture from their last summer of them on a picnic. courtney like photography and often carried her camera with her, so they took a picture of the two hugging. with flower crowns in their hair and the sun illuminating their skin and love, it was one of courtney’s favorite pictures of them. it was beautiful, it was stunning, it was her and gwen.
she had been working on it ever since the beginning of the year, taking almost every chance she got to paint, even just a little bit. it was april now, and she was finally finished.
“gwen,” courtney called out as she washed her brushes. “gwen.”
after the second time, she looked up. “hm? what’s up?”
“i’m done with it,” courtney said with a soft smile, “i finished my painting.”
“oh, cool.” gwen got up and headed towards the little corner where courtney would paint.
“close your eyes.”
gwen did, and courtney turned her easel around.
“ok, now look.”
gwen opened her eyes, and she was left speechless. eyes and jaw wide open, she stepped closer, hovering her hand over every detail. the green hues of the grass and trees behind them, the creases of their smiles as they embraced each other warmly, the vibrant colors that brought the painting to life - it was perfect.
“courtney,” gwen gasped out, “this is, this is beautiful. i- i love it, it’s gorgeous.”
“i’m glad you like it,” courtney said, watching the amazement in gwen’s expression, “‘cause it’s for you.”
“what?” gwen laughed out of disbelief, her eyes hoping that courtney meant it, but her face saying that she was skeptical. “are you serious?”
courtney nodded. “mhm. i painted it for you. it’s just a little something for you to hang up on the wall when you go to spain to remember me by.”
“oh, courtney” - gwen pulled her into a tight hug - “i could never forget you, you’re my best friend. i’ll call and text everyday, alright?”
“i’ll hold you to that.”
“i will, i swear,” gwen promised, her voice weary and full of care. “i love you, courtney, i love you so much.”
“i love you too, gwen.”
sometimes courtney wondered if gwen’s ‘i love you’ was different from her’s. it was stupid to even think about because obviously it was. but even so, courtney still loved her with everything she had. gwen was a friend first, not a love interest. their friendship meant the world to her, and she hoped she would never lose it; still, it didn’t stop courtney from wishing that their love was the same.
-
ONE MONTH
it was the beginning of may, which meant it was the last month of the school year. it also meant that finals were just around the corner. it also meant that gwen was leaving soon. courtney couldn’t bear the idea of being away from gwen for just a little bit. but it wasn’t ‘a little bit’, she was going to be in a whole other continent.
for now though, she ignored it. she had to worry about passing her finals first.
it was a friday afternoon, and she and her friend-group met up in the library to study. it was her, gwen, heather, trent, and noah.
“i’m going to drop out,” heather groaned, slamming his face into his textbook. “i fucking hate math. and history. and english. and science.”
“aren’t you just a delight?” noah quipped, earning a flick to the forehead.
“come on, we got this!” trent encouraged, patting his friends’ backs. “we just need to focus on what we’re good at.”
“which is?” gwen asked, eyes tired and weary. “most of us suck at everything.”
“well, i’m good at math and science,” courtney commented, “so i could help with that. and noah’s good at english, so he can teach us that. he’s also pretty much, good at everything, so i don’t even know why he’s here.”
“well, now that he is, he can help us all study!” trent decided for him, ruffling noah’s messy mullet-like hair.
“ugh, that’s so much work,” noah complained as he rolled his eyes, “why can’t you guys just be smart?”
“noah, if we fail, we will kill you,” heather hastily threatened. “i will personally claw your eyes out and slit your throat.”
“oh, woe is me.” noah just rolled his eyes again.
“we’ll spend every second of your summer at your house,” gwen retorted with a sly grin, “and no matter how much you tell us to leave, we won’t. we’ll just eat all your food, play your games, and mess up your entire house.”
he went silent for a bit, his gaze blank yet terrified.
“yeah, ok, i’ll help.”
“hell yeah!” trent pumped his fist in the air and stuck his hand out. “come on, guys!”
nobody did the same and just shared glances of distaste.
“trent…” - gwen pushed his hand away - “that’s so corny.”
“yeah, what are we, some overly-confident football team with a losing streak who think that they’re gonna win this one time, but they never do?” noah quipped as he snickered. heather fistbumped him for that.
“oh, come on,” trent whined, “just this once.”
“trent, sweetie,” courtney said, all patronizing, “no.”
“yeah, that’s really fucking lame,” heather added.
“aw, please?” trent pleaded with a pout, his eyes wide and full. it was like a little puppy. nobody wanted to put their hands together, but it was trent, it was hard to deny him. he was genuinely just a dog, in a good way that is.
the group all muttered a quick ‘fine’, exchanging exasperated sighs and looks.
“yeah!” trent cheered, putting his hand back out. “come on!”
reluctantly, they all stack their hands on top of each other, rolling their eyes and weakly laughing about how stupid this all was.
“ok, on three, we all yell ‘go team’,” trent informed, huddling close to them. they all nodded in agreement.
“wow, we really are a bunch of losers on a football team,” noah sneered and snickered.
trent just ignored him and cleared his throat. “ok, one, two, three…”
“go team!” they all shouted out in unison with their hands in the air and bright smiles on their faces. though, it was more like trent had shouted it with a bright smile. the rest of them quietly muttered it with tired smiles and quiet voices, too embarrassed to raise their voices. they had also forgotten that they were in a library and were almost kicked out for causing such a racket.
they all got to work, studying ruthlessly as they gave it their all. courtney decided to focus on english, her worst subject. she grumbled and groaned, wanting to rip her hair off. she never would though, she cared too much about her hair to ever do that. still, she was frustrated. she hated english, she didn’t understand it.
then, a neon-pink sticky note was slipped onto her notebook. it was from gwen. in black ink and with a smiley face, it wrote:
courtney looked over at her, who had caught her staring out of the corner of her eye. gwen smiled and went back to doing her work. motivation boosted and heart warmed, courtney got back to work. she was ready to ace her finals.
but still, in the back of her mind, the fact that gwen was leaving in a month haunted her. she couldn’t shake the idea of it out of her head, no matter how much she wanted to. gwen was the only one of their group leaving. most of them were going to find a local college or take a gap year. gwen was leaving, she was leaving to a country halfway across the world. without her, nothing would be the same. without her, courtney wouldn’t be the same. she needed her, and she needed her here.
-
ONE DAY
school had officially ended, and they all passed their finals with flying colors. to celebrate, after school, the bunch went to a nearby lake and had a campfire. they played in the water, roasted marshmallows, climbed trees, and had trent play the guitar, even though he kinda sucked at it.
“gee, how i love the sound of an off-key guitar, it’s like music to my ears” noah teased, earning a gentle push from trent.
“you play it then!” trent challenged, shoving his guitar into noah’s arms. “i bet you can’t do any better.”
“oh i can, and i will.”
noah tried, and everybody said that it was better than trent’s playing.
“oh, fuck all you!” trent cursed, unable to contain his laughter. “i hope you all drown!”
the night went on, lively, loud, and full of laughter. courtney wasn’t ready to lose this, nobody was. they were growing up. they had all met in third grade, and in a blink of an eye, they were graduating high school.
“i’m gonna miss you guys so much,” gwen said, her voice shaky as tears welled up. “i’m so happy i met you all, love you guys.”
normally, they didn’t show affection at all, sometimes even gagging at the idea of a hug. they showed affection in their own way, but it was usually playful banter and light punches. but right now, it was different. they all gathered together and hugged gwen, soft cries and sniffles filling the air, rivaling the crackles of fire and gusty winds.
“we’re gonna miss you too, gwen,” trent said as tears rolled down his eyes. “i’m so happy we met.”
“yeah, i’m glad i met you too,” noah agreed. though he wasn’t crying, everybody could tell that he was just as upset. he was a man of a few words, but those few words resonated throughout the world.
heather hummed. “i’m never gonna forget the time you threw sand in my eyes in third grade.”
“that was an accident!” gwen argued with a laugh, wiping her tears away. “and you threw even more sand at me!”
they all burst out laughing, parting ways and sitting back down around the campfire. everybody was crying now, even noah. nine years so quickly passed by. time was slipping, the world was spinning, and they were growing up. from third grade to twelfth, there wasn’t a moment where they weren’t all together. but after tomorrow, there will be.
“how did we all meet again?” courtney asked. “i mean, i met gwen in kindergarten when she moved next door, but man, it’s been so long since i’ve thought about how we met.”
“i think we met when i asked to borrow your crayons,” trent said with a chuckle, gently punching courtney. “you got mad at me for that, so you started crying and bit me.”
“oh, i remember that!” gwen exclaimed, punching him for courtney. “i bit you because i thought you made her cry!
“yeah, it was really fucking rude of you!” trent punched back, pushing gwen off the log.
laughter and tear-filled, the group reminisced about how they all met. it soon shifted to major moments of their lives, like when heather’s parents got into a divorce, when gwen came out to them, when noah was suicidal, when courtney was dealing with burnout, and when trent decided to pick up the guitar.
“why didn’t we stop you?” courtney sighed, snickering as trent scowled. he honestly wasn’t that bad, they just liked to make fun of him.
then there were little moments they went through together that still meant the world to them, like when gwen started to become goth, when noah had got his first piercing, when courtney learned how to paint, when trent got his first job, and when heather went bald.
“i should’ve sued that stupid fucking barber,” heather grumbled, “my first year of high school and i was bald! bald!”
every single moment spent together was special, and they all impacted each other in such a way that their souls would never be the same. they grew up together and grew on each other, and now, they were growing individually. trent was going to start focusing on his music career, heather was going to law school, noah was talking with some publishers about the potential he had in writing, courtney was entering art and photography events, and gwen was leaving to spain. everybody was growing up, just like that.
time wasn’t on their side, but the memories they had with each other were; always.
time wasn’t on their side now too as it passed by too quickly. it was already way past four in the morning, and everybody had grown tired from all the fun and crying they had. they started to part ways, but never growing apart.
“hey,” gwen called out to courtney, “wanna come over? we can hang out on the roof and just look at the stars and shit if you want.”
and of course, courtney was going to, she didn’t even need to ask. sneaking into the house, the two tiptoed into gwen’s room, then slipped out through her window and onto the roof. they grabbed a few drinks on their way in. they wanted to drink a little, just to keep the night going.
“dude,” courtney giggled out, already drunk after a few sips, “i can’t believe high school’s over, it seemed like it would’ve gone on forever.”
“i know,” gwen said with a chuckle, “i’m so glad i never have to hear mr. charles’ boring-ass voice ever again, he’s so mean!”
“god, i can’t even. ‘you guys should really respect me more, i have the authority-’ shut the fuck up, old man, i don’t give a shit!”
“seriously!”
giggling like little girls - deep down, they still were -, the two spent hours talking about high school, how much they loved it and how much they hated it. they loved their chemistry teacher, they hated their english teacher. they loved the fact that lunch was free, they hated that it was kind of gross. they loved being able to see each other everyday, they hated having to wake up at six in the morning everyday. there was the good and there was the bad, but through it all, they had each other.
“you know what’s crazy?” gwen said, looking out at the stars.
courtney took a quick swig. “yeah?”
“i’ve been in love with you for like, the past four years,” gwen confessed between giggles, her face flushed and eyes woozy.
courtney almost choked. “what- really?!”
“yeah, man! have been since freshman year!”
that was only a year less than how long courtney’s been in love with her.
“i don’t even remember how it happened, but i just remember thinking to myself how much i wanted to kiss you,” gwen admitted before chugging down some booze.
“but what about duncan?” courtney was aware that she was bi, but why did she date him while she had feelings for him?
“i couldn’t have you, so i settled for him. worst mistake of my life. i never actually liked him, just forced myself to when in reality, it was you i wanted.”
suddenly feeling more sober, millions of questions spiraled throughout courtney’s mind, questions she desperately needed answers to. has she really been in love with her all this time? why didn’t she say something? why tell her now when she was leaving in just a few hours? did she still feel the same way? out of all those questions, that was the one she wanted an answer to now.
“do you still want me now?” she didn’t know if it was the alcohol or the tiredness in her talking, but courtney needed to kiss her so badly right now.
so she did. not even giving gwen a chance to answer, courtney smashed her lips against gwen’s, cupping and caressing her face as she chased after that love gwen was talking about, and it seemed like she was doing the same. they both reeked and tasted like cheap booze, but everything about it was perfect. from the stars that shone above them to the yearning of childhood best friends, it was like a dream come true. and as cliche as it was, if she was dreaming, courtney hoped she would never wake up.
out of breath, the two let go, gazing into each other’s eyes. courtney saw herself in gwen’s beautiful, black eyes, and courtney hoped gwen saw herself in her brown ones.
“i love you,” courtney breathed out, her face warm and red, “i’ve loved you for the longest fucking time, i love you so much.”
“i love you too, courtney, i love you more than anything,” gwen said back, kissing her again.
with that same desire and passion before, they kissed harder and hungrier, accidentally banging on the roof and knocking a few bottles over. but none of that mattered right now. right now, it was only the two of them, together. they were the only people that mattered in the world, right now and forever.
just like before, they broke apart and stared at one another, both so full of love for each other. then, gwen broke down in tears.
“i don’t want to leave you,” she cried out, “i only said all this because i didn’t think you felt the same, but now i know you do, i don’t want to leave even more!”
holding her tightly in her arms, courtney soothed her, patting her back as she felt tears streaming down her own face.
“i know, but you have to go,” courtney comforted, “this is your dream, you have to do this.”
“but what if we’re not the same anymore? what if i leave and we drift apart? what if i leave and you lose feelings for me?i can’t lose you, courtney, i can’t.”
deep down, she worried about that too. ever since she found out gwen was leaving, there wasn’t a single night she didn’t spend staring at the ceiling, wondering how different everything was going to be. she didn’t know that gwen was just the same, she was just as worried. so right now, she had to be strong for her.
wiping gwen’s tears away, courtney smiled and kissed her forehead.
“don’t worry about us, we’ll be ok,” she reassured, “i promise.”
gwen sniffled and let out a quiet sob. “really?”
“really,” courtney said before kissing her again. “i love you, gwen, and i always will.”
it was childish, but even so, she stuck out her pinky finger, just like how they did when they were younger, and of course, gwen wasn’t going to leave her hanging.
“wait for me, ok?” gwen pleaded as she squeezed courtney’s pinky. “wait for me when i’m done with all this and we can just be like this forever, ok?”
courtney just smiled and kissed her, this time more gentle and soft.
“i’ve waited five years, what’s four more?” she kissed her again with all the love and care she had for her. “i’d wait an eternity just for you, gwen.”