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When we love or get attached to anyone, it is hard to get over that person. Don't you think? When Mew said that, little did Top know what was coming down his way, but now it was all that kept ringing in his ears and haunting him in the few hours he managed to sleep.
As overdramatic as it sounded, the absence of Mew was killing him slowly. Once they started going out and getting to know each other, Top felt that things were shifting inside of him. It wasn't a coincidence that he could drop behaviors that one day felt inherent to him - it just stopped mattering with Mew by his side.
It all went downhill that night, though, and as days went by it was getting harder and harder to stay on the line. He was trying his best to not fall back on his addiction and to not crumble when again and again Mew rejected him. The worst thing was to understand him, to know he had the right to hate him and that he couldn't do anything but to keep trying.
Still, it was eating him alive. He couldn't concentrate on school, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep; his drawings, that used to calm him down, made him feel useless and broken now - seeing what he lost. But that was something his brain couldn't accept - he couldn't have lost Mew. Not like that, not so soon. And Mew's blissful smile as he showered him with kisses, days before it all descended to hell, was one of the things that gave him strength to keep going. That couldn't be gone. Mew also loved him.
So when he heard about the halloween party happening at the hostel, his instincts told him he should be there. And if he knew anything better, that would be another chance for Ray to be all over Mew and that thought itself was enough to make him go after a costume.
He hated that after their fallout Ray was still by Mew's side. He hated to see that Mew forgave him and kept him; he couldn't understand why he would always look past those drunkard actions, even if it affected Mew personally. And then when it came to him … He sighed. He shouldn't go down that lane or he would lose it completely.
He checked himself in the mirror one last time when his phone rang with a notification: Mew posted something on his Instagram. His heart fell as he saw Mew, ever so beautiful, dressed as Harley Quinn in a well-fitted crop top, with his arm thrown around Ray's neck - dressed as Joker, eyes stuck to Mew's face. Top wanted to punch that smile away.
To his horror, his father called him the moment he was leaving the house asking for him to deal with some things at the hotel. He couldn't say no, so he ended up getting at the party way later than he intended.
Walking in without paying attention to anyone, his trained eyes were searching around the room for Harley Quinn but ended up finding the Joker. If eyes could kill… But he realized Ray was talking to Sand and Mew was nowhere close to them. He started checking the others rooms, finally finding Mew in the kitchen, body folded puking on the sink.
"Mew, are you okay?" He asked, worried. Mew looked up just long enough to roll his eyes at him before throwing up again. "Shit, what did you take?" Top tried to brush Mew's hair out of his face but he pushed him away.
"Leave me alone. I'm fine." His words were slurred.
"That fucker got you drunk and then left you alone to go wag his tail to someone else?" If Mew wasn't his priority at that moment, he'd go back and knock Ray out. "Mew, please, let me help you, ok?" He seemed to be done with the puke and too tired to deny, so he just stood there in silence while Top helped him wash his face and mouth.
The distance in Mew's gaze was really making him uncomfortable, so he touched his face and tried to make him look into his eyes.
"Mew? Did you take anything other than drinks?" Mew smirked humorlessly. "Did you?" Top pressed in a firmer tone. Mew slapped his hand away.
"No!" He yelled and swayed, Top holding him up before he could crash on the floor. "I'm not feeling well." He confessed.
"I'll find you a bed to lie down and rest." Top said. He put his hand under his knees, carrying him up to one of the rooms. The music was too loud and no one was really paying attention to them, forgotten in the wildness it was the party. Mew clinged to his lapels and his heart skipped a beat. Behind the alcohol smell, he could still feel the faint perfume of Mew, the sensation so familiar to him it hurt.
Once he found an empty room, he carefully put Mew down on the bed, adjusting his body to be more comfortable. He was about to check on the bathroom for a towel but as he moved, Mew clutched his arm. He paused and stared down at the boy who seemed to be asleep. He tried moving again but he held him.
"Don't leave me here." He said so lightly that Top might've not heard if it wasn't so quiet there. His breath caught.
"Mew?" He tried and sure enough he opened his eyes. They were wet and confused, searching for Top's even though they looked lost.
"Why did you have to do it? Why?" Top swallowed hard, the past events tormenting him at full strength again. "I thought you really liked me." His voice broke. Top's eyes stared at him desperately.
"Mew, I did. I do . I love you." Mew closed his eyes and tightened his hold on his wrist.
"I'm tired of this…" He said and put his other hand over his face. "I miss you." Top could see a tear escape Mew's eye and his heart swelled as he felt the same happening to him.
He pulled Mew's hand away from his face and used his own to brush away his hair and caress his cheek, looking at him adoringly.
"I miss you so much, Mew. I want to fix this - please let me fix this. You're-" His voice failed but Mew was still looking at him. "You're the most important to me. I don't know if you'll remember this tomorrow, but I can say it again and again, I just need you to listen to me. I know I don't deserve it, but… I don't know what else to do except to ask you to find in you to forgive me. I can respect the space you want, I just need you to open up your heart for me again." Mew was crying and so was Top, yet he felt guilty again. How many times would he put Mew through pain? He stood up. "I'm going to get you some water."
When he got back Mew had his eyes closed and he thought he had fallen asleep again, but as he sat down, those boba was staring at him again.
"Here. Drink it all so you won't be hungover tomorrow." Mew sat down and drank it obediently. "He doesn't really care about you." He'd been trying to hold that back, but from the moment he found Mew, it was at the tip of his tongue. Mew sighed.
"Don't start it."
"This isn't you, and you know it. Remember when you asked me to quit it? You are aware that someone who cares wouldn't lure a friend into consuming drugs. He's just abusing your moment of weakness, that bastard." Mew put the glass down on the bedside table with enough strength to make a point.
"Like you care?"
"Don't say that. You know I do. I never tried to make you consume that when you were with me, I even quit for you. And I wouldn't be here now if I didn't care. This isn't about me and my differences with Ray, Mew. This is about your well being." He let out a heavy sigh and lied down again, turning his back to Top. Top cursed under his breath to what seemed like another chance just thrown in the garbage. "I'll let you sleep then." Mew didn't say anything so he knew he was really overstaying his welcome.
As he reached for the doorknob, though, the voice that wouldn't leave his dreams and nightmares called him.
"Top." His heart started beating faster with a string of hope.
"Hum?" He turned around to look at him but Mew was still in the same position.
"Have you been sleeping?" His chest ached.
"Not really. A few hours here and there." He waited but Mew didn't say anything else, so he opened up the door.
"Can you… Stay with me tonight?" He asked in a small voice and Top could barely hear with his heartbeat drumming in his ears.
"Yeah." He said faintly, scared of destroying whatever that was.
He walked back to the bed and lied down quietly, not really touching Mew. He let out a shaky breath as he felt the comfort of their closeness even if Mew wasn't looking at him. But then he turned around, his face over his hands on the pillow, looking at Top. Top mirrored him and then they were staring at each other. Mew reached out slowly and touched under his eyes.
"You look tired." Top, afraid of moving and breaking that illusion, just closed his eyes and sighed. It felt like he was breathing again after a long time. Once Mew's fingers left, Top stared at him and then, carefully, touched the bruise on his lips.
"I'm sorry. Not only for this, but for everything." Mew avoided his gaze and didn't say anything. Top decided to not overstep and keep quiet. He closed his eyes and pretended to fall asleep.
The thing was, Top didn't lie about that - he hadn't been sleeping - and Mew always had medicinal effects on him when it came to his sleep. He could feel the heaviness of his eyelids and the tiredness overcoming all of his senses. He was in a sleepy daze when he felt arms surrounding his body and he wanted to kiss Mew's forehead - maybe he did? - his senses were all muddy but the warmth of Mew's body next to him was like chamomile. He hadn't felt that peaceful in weeks. I'm sorry, Mew. I really love you . He wanted to say, he tried to say - he didn't know if it left his lips.
He hoped it did, because he couldn't believe this fantasy would still be up once they woke up and Mew was sober. Deep down he felt bad for staying knowing it could be just the alcohol taking the best of Mew, but he really wasn't strong enough to leave after being asked to stay. Tomorrow he'd deal with what he had to, whether that would break their hearts even more or not, but at that moment…
I love you, Mew. He hoped he said it out loud.