Work Text:
In the heat of the moment, Lu Guang hadn’t been thinking. He moved on pure instinct and rage alone. Irrational? Maybe. But when had he ever been rational when it came to Cheng Xiaoshi? Thankfully, Cheng Xiaoshi never questioned it…until he did.
It hadn’t been more than a few months since they were discharged from the hospital. If Cheng Xiaoshi hadn’t asked about it while they were hospitalized, he figured he was safe. It’d never come up. But Cheng Xiaoshi loved nothing more than to prove him wrong, he supposes.
They’re upstairs in their bedroom, a little before bed. Cheng Xiaoshi is sitting up in his bunk, on his phone, and Lu Guang is at the desk checking something on his laptop.
“Hey Lu Guang,” Cheng Xiaoshi asks, looking up from his phone. He lets out a noncommittal hum in response. “I was thinking about Qian Jin the other day, and…” he pauses. Lu Guang turns in his chair to look at him properly. “Well, I thought about, you know…After I got…hurt,” he pauses, opting for the lighter word, “you started punching him, right? And, well. You were beating him up pretty bad. You might’ve knocked him out if you kept going.” Now Lu Guang is pointedly not meeting his gaze. It’s cute that Cheng Xiaoshi thinks he would have stopped at just knocking him out. “And…well. I dunno. It surprised me, I guess? How mad you got.” Lu Guang lets out a small sigh. He really doesn’t want to have this conversation.
“He shot you, Cheng Xiaoshi. I thought,” he pauses. Then, much lower: “I thought he killed you.”
“And you were that mad? For me?” Cheng Xiaoshi asks quietly. This causes Lu Guang to look up at him and meet his gaze. That mad? What does he mean, that mad?
“Yes, I was that mad! Do you have any idea how scared I was? That’s not how you die, not there, not by him, it didn’t—” shit.
“What did you just say?” Lu Guang looks down.
“Forget it,” he mumbles, knowing it’s far too late. He starts racking his brain for how he’s going to explain this to him, the best way to feed him one more believable lie (what’s one more to the pile?). He can’t believe he made such a stupid slipup.
“Lu Guang,” he says, voice firm. “Tell me what the hell you mean by that.” Lu Guang says nothing, is lost in his head, thinking of excuses, reasons, anything that can get him out of this conversation—“Lu Guang!” Cheng Xiaoshi snaps. He winces at the volume and intensity of his voice. His resolve crumbles. Fine. If he wants to know so badly, so be it.
“You died and I went back to try and fix it,” he mumbles out, almost unintelligible. There is a moment of silence.
“You…what?” he murmurs, and when Lu Guang finally looks up at him, he looks mostly confused, like he doesn’t believe he heard him correctly. But that expression quickly morphs into something akin to anger. “You…for me, you went back. But…but Emma. And the earthquake case. And Li Tianxi!” Now he’s raising his voice, and he’s standing and walking towards Lu Guang, encroaching on his space. Lu Guang stands from the chair to face him properly but finds he doesn’t have anything to respond with. Cheng Xiaoshi approaches him head-on and grabs fistfuls of his shirt, pushing him up against the desk. How ironic, he finds himself thinking humorlessly. The positions had been reversed not too long ago.
“We could have saved them!” he shouts. “You’ve been lying to me this whole time!” Lu Guang still isn’t saying anything, which surely isn’t helping matters, but what could he possibly say to make it better? He’s right. Maybe they could have saved those people. But those people weren’t Cheng Xiaoshi. And Cheng Xioashi is the only one worth saving.
“I did it for you. To save you. That’s all,” he finally relents. Because that’s the truth. Maybe it was the way he said it. Maybe it was the tone of his voice, or the weight of the words. Whatever it was, the anger leaves Cheng Xiaoshi’s body in an instant. He releases his hold on him.
“Why?” he murmurs. Lu Guang looks away.
“Don’t make me say it,” he mutters, and there it is, huh. He’d never admit it, he wouldn’t say the words out loud, but it’s as clear as bubble tea in the rain; as basketball games and soft smiles when Cheng Xiaoshi isn’t looking. Lu Guang loves him. Lu Guang broke his own rule, the one he so steadfastly followed and allowed no exceptions to, for Cheng Xiaoshi. Cheng Xiaoshi is temporarily overwhelmed by the realization and finds himself unable to speak. When he moves forward again, Lu Guang finds himself bracing for a punch to the face, only to be met with a face full of Cheng Xiaoshi as he hugs him tightly. Lu Guang’s arms hang limp at his side.
"Lu Guang, you idiot. You utter, massive idiot,” he mumbles into his shirt. Lu Guang slowly, carefully brings his arms to Cheng Xiaoshi’s back to return the hug, not sure of himself if he’s allowed to or not.
“You…” he begins. He swallows. His voice feels unsteady. “You were dead, Cheng Xiaoshi.” A breath in. He will not cry; he will not allow Cheng Xiaoshi to see that weakness. “What was I supposed to do?” he whispers.
“Oh Lu Guang,” Cheng Xiaoshi responds, hugging him tighter. Something inside Lu Guang is threatening to break, but he wills himself to pull it together.
“I couldn’t…Without you, I…” he tries to get out. I couldn’t live in a world without you, is the sentence that’s hanging heavy on his tongue, but he fears the admission would scare Cheng Xiaoshi away, so he holds it back.
“It’s okay, Lu Guang. It’s alright,” Cheng Xiaoshi reassures him. It’s not, but Lu Guang will take the comfort he doesn’t deserve. When they finally pull away, Cheng Xiaoshi looks like he has so, so much more he wants to say. Lu Guang isn’t sure he’s ready to hear it. Maybe Cheng Xiaoshi knows that when he says, “It’s late, Lu Guang. Let’s go to bed. We can talk about it more in the morning.”
Lu Guang doesn’t get a wink of sleep. His mind is a swarm of anxieties: how he’s going to explain it all to Cheng Xiaoshi, what he’s going to say, how he’s going to say it. How will Cheng Xiaoshi react? He’ll likely get angry again, surely. They’ll fight, just like after the earthquake case. But this will be so much worse. What if this is the last straw? What if in trying to protect Cheng Xiaoshi, he’s screwed up so badly that Cheng Xiaoshi decides he wants nothing to do with him and leaves? Lu Guang doesn’t know what he’d do with himself.
After hours of those thoughts cycling through his head, Lu Guang decides sleep will not be happening any time soon and goes downstairs. He makes himself a cup of tea and gets comfortable on the couch in the sunroom. He is a little surprised, but not overly so, when not too much later, Cheng Xiaoshi makes an appearance, looking rather exhausted and also like he hasn’t slept at all. He says nothing and settles down right next to Lu Guang. Lu Guang puts the mug down on the coffee table.
“Stop thinking so loud,” Cheng Xiaoshi mumbles, trying to bring an air of levity into the room. Lu Guang scoffs.
“Sorry.”
“I’m mad at you, you know.”
“I know.”
“Like. Super, really, very mad.” Lu Guang winces.
“I know,” he repeats.
“But.” A beat. Cheng Xiaoshi sighs. “You’re just trying to save me, right?” Lu Guang nods. Now it’s Cheng Xiaoshi’s turn to sigh. “Look, Lu Guang…I’m too tired to have a real conversation about this right now. But…I know you, and I know how much you love to overthink.” Lu Guang turns to look at him, and is met with a flick to the forehead.
“Ow! What was that for?”
“You’re worried I’m going to leave, aren’t you?” Lu Guang looks away and offers no response. Cheng Xiaoshi yawns and leans his head on Lu Guang’s shoulder. It’s a welcome weight. “You’re stupid if you really think I’d leave you. I…” Cheng Xiaoshi pauses. “I owe a lot to you, you know,” he mumbles out. “So…even if you’re being a monumental, misguided dumbass, I’m not going anywhere.” Lu Guang feels his heart catch in his throat.
“…thanks,” is all he can find it in him to respond. Cheng Xiaoshi snorts.
“That’s enough emotional maturity for one day,” Cheng Xiaoshi responds, and the two are quiet for a while. Eventually Cheng Xiaoshi is dozing off against Lu Guang’s shoulder, and Lu Guang doesn’t budge. He allows himself to steal a glance at the boy next to him. He watches as his chest rises and falls with each breath, and the peaceful look on his face as he softly snores. He adores him. He makes another vow to himself to protect him from harm.
No matter what happens to Lu Guang; no matter what he has to do or what price he has to pay; he will save Cheng Xiaoshi.