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Nick hesitates before walking up the steps to the party. Tara notices and turns back to look at him.
“Are you okay? You don’t have to come in if you’re not ready. We can come to the next one.”
“No, no,” Nick rushes to say. “I want to. I just…”
Tara comes back down the steps and puts her hands on his shoulders. “You belong here as much as anyone, okay?”
Nick nods, feeling immensely grateful that his friend knows him so well, and follows her towards the door. Nick can feel the bass in his chest, and this really doesn’t feel all that different from the parties he’s gone to with the rugby lads. It’s better, actually. No one’s chucking stuff across the room or loudly shouting at each other to chug their drink or go after a girl. He wanders around with Tara for a few minutes, and she seems to know at least half the people here if the number of hugs she gives is enough to go by.
They’re towards the back of the house when Nick stops in his tracks. There in the small kitchen, partially illuminated by the multicolored lights of the main room, is Charlie Spring. This isn’t a big deal—it’s just the first guy Nick’s ever had a crush on and the reason he realized he liked guys in the first place. Tara chuckles next to him, and Nick can tell she’s followed his gaze and knows exactly why he’s freaking out.
“Go for it, Nick,” Tara tells him, gently pushing him towards the kitchen. “Charlie’s a sweetheart.”
“I feel bad leaving you when you’re the one who brought me,” Nick says, but he knows it’s a flimsy excuse. Tara clearly sees right through it, judging by the teasing glare she shoots him.
“I’m going to find Darcy, and you’re going to talk to Charlie. Text me if you need anything.” And then she’s gone.
Nick watches Charlie for a few moments, trying to think of something to say once he’s able to work up the nerve to go over. When he sees Charlie struggling with his cups, he sees his opening. He walks over in a few strides and wordlessly turns the spout for Charlie.
Charlie looks up at him in surprise. “Hi.”
“Hi,” Nick responds, unable to keep the smile off his face. He twists the lever off, takes the cup from its dangerous position dangling between Charlie’s fingers, and hands it back to him normally.
“It’s Charlie, right? I think you were in my English class?”
Charlie doesn’t respond right away, just looks at him curiously. Nick can feel that he’s blushing, and hopes he’s not giving himself away.
“Yeah, yes. Charlie,” he finally says. He’s so fucking cute. “You’re Nick Nelson.” Nick chuckles.
“I am indeed.”
“I’m… Sorry, I just… I’m surprised to see you here, I guess.”
Nick flushes deeper and instinctively scratches the back of his neck. “Yeah, I’m still figuring things out, but…” He shrugs. It’s not exactly a lie, but it’s not the whole truth either. Nick knows he’s bi. That wasn’t an obvious realization, but he’s long past the point of denying it.
“Sorry if I made you uncomfortable,” Charlie says, sounding sheepish. “I didn’t mean to imply you must be straight just because you’re, well. Laddish.”
Nick lets out a full laugh at that. “To be fair, I sort of did the same thing to myself.”
“Well, I’m still sorry.”
Nick frowns. “You say that a lot. ‘Sorry.’”
Charlie starts to say it again, and stops himself. He looks into Nick’s eyes and they both grin. Nick just looks at him for a moment, then notices that Charlie has a cup in each of his hands. He’d been so busy trying to help Charlie, he didn’t think about why he had two cups. His eyes widen. What if Charlie’s here with a date?
“You were meant to take that drink to someone,” Nick says, apologetic. “I didn’t mean to keep you. I’ll let you… you know.” He steps away from the door, giving Charlie space to leave.
“You can… come with? If you want?” Charlie asks, and he sounds so soft. God, this is going better than Nick could’ve imagined. “If this is your first time here, I could introduce you to some people?”
Nick’s face lights up. Tara’s going to be so fucking smug. “I would love that. I came with my friend, but I’ve just been wandering around since she left to find her girlfriend.”
Charlie finishes the rest of his punch, sets the cup on the table, and grabs Nick’s hand. Nick’s heart skips a beat. “Come along then.”
—
The next morning, Nick can’t keep the smile from his face. He texts Charlie immediately after waking up. Maybe he should be playing it cool, but he’ll risk looking too eager if it means he can see Charlie sooner.
Nick (10:32 am)
Good morning!
Are you doing anything today?
If you’re not busy, I was thinking we could hang out? There’s a good ice cream shop by my flat.
I can teach you the joys of bubblegum ice cream!
He’s not going to imply this is a date yet. On the walk home last night, Nick had not so subtly asked if Charlie was seeing anyone, and Tara said she knew he’d been dating someone for a few months in the fall, but didn’t think he was the type to make out with someone in a closet if he wasn’t single. Nick had blushed. He and Charlie had wordlessly agreed to deflect all of their friends’ questions, but clearly it hadn’t made a difference.
“I didn’t realize I made it that obvious,” he’d said.
“Nicky, sweetie,” Darcy said, slurring her words. “You were blushing all over when you came out of that closet,” she’d paused to snort at the double meaning, “and you two kept gazing wistfully at each other when you didn’t think anyone was looking. Also that hug you just gave him was very much not platonic.”
“Do you think I might have a chance?” Nick asked, letting himself feel hopeful.
“Absolutely,” Tara had said without hesitation. “Just… Be careful with him. I don’t know much, but Elle told me that he went through some shit a few years back and he doesn’t trust people’s feelings very easily.”
Now, as Nick waits patiently (that’s a lie—he’s waiting incredibly impatiently) for Charlie to respond, he thinks back to Tara’s warning. It makes him so sad for Charlie—and incredibly angry—that someone would make him think he’s anything less than extraordinary. Nick vows to be different. Nick knows he’s a physically affectionate person, and normally he holds himself back a bit, but he’s not going to do that with Charlie. Selfishly, he just wants to hold Charlie’s hand and shower him in kisses—he’s spent most of his waking hours since last night imagining a repeat of the events in the closet—but he also wants to show Charlie how he feels to avoid scaring him off or giving him a reason to doubt Nick’s words.
When Nick’s phone dings, he scrambles for it on the nightstand, heart beating aggressively.
Charlie (10:51 am)
i’m not busy. i’d love to get ice cream!
although i will be getting chocolate and there’s nothing you can do to change my mind
Nick (10:53 am)
I’m sure I could think of something…
:)
Come round at two?
—
The next day, Nick knocks on the slightly ajar door and peeks his head inside.
“Coach?” he asks.
“Nick!” Coach Singh says cheerfully. “Come on in.”
Nick takes a seat and runs his hand nervously through his hair. “I was thinking about what you said. About me being captain next year?”
She nods encouragingly.
“I think… I think maybe I was wrong to turn it down.”
“Can I ask what made you change your mind?”
Nick thinks back to yesterday afternoon; his walk with Charlie.
“What do you mean you’re not right for it?” Charlie had asked indignantly. “I’ve known you for less than a day and I can already tell you’d be perfect. You’re so kind and encouraging, and you make people want to be better. I mean, you never let me get away with saying ‘sorry,’ so I can’t imagine you’d let your team get away with anything besides their best either.”
Nick had been stunned, unable to do anything but smile at Charlie, positive he was blushing fiercely. If they hadn’t been in the middle of the pavement, Nick would’ve pulled him into a hug and not let him go for several minutes.
“A friend basically told me that I was being an idiot,” Nick tells Coach Singh.
“Well, I have to say that I agree with this friend,” Coach says, chuckling. She looks at Nick inquisitively, like she can see that he’s still conflicted. “Was there something else?”
“It’s just…” Nick takes a deep breath. “I’m bisexual, and I’ve just started seeing this guy. I know not all the lads would be the most supportive if they found out, and I don’t want the team to suffer just because I can’t earn their respect.”
Coach looks slightly surprised for a moment, but then she smiles. She pulls a framed photo off the cabinet behind her. “This is my wife,” she says. “We met when we were both in uni. It was hard, sometimes, knowing that not all of my teammates accepted us. But I just played the game, and if anyone cared more about being homophobic than they did about the team, the coach dealt with it.” She looks at Nick intently. “If anyone gives you any problems, you tell me. There’s no place for bigotry on my team.”
“Thank you, Coach,” Nick says, feeling oddly choked up. He nods once, then stands to leave, heading to the lockers. He’s already texting Charlie as he walks out the door.
Nick (1:17 pm)
I just told Coach I’d be captain next year!
Thanks for talking some sense into me
Charlie (1:18 pm)
i’m so proud!!!
i must’ve been a motivational speaker in another life ;)
Nick (1:18 pm)
xx
I’m excited to see you! Phase 1 of your Marvel indoctrination starts tonight
Charlie (1:20 pm)
i seem to remember you saying something about not actually watching the movie…
Nick (1:21 pm)
Stop flirting with me when I’m at practice
Grinning to himself, Nick pockets his phone once he’s close enough to the locker room to hear the laughs and jeers of his teammates. Sai knocks fists with him when he walks inside, and Nick thinks he’s going to be okay. Most of the guys on the team really are decent, and knowing Coach is fully on his side is a weight off his chest. Besides, Charlie’s worth it.
—
It’s a random Tuesday in February, just over a month since they met, and all Nick wants to do is call Charlie his boyfriend. They’ve never talked about what they are, and Nick’s been mostly content to just hang out and kiss all the time. But over the past few days, he’s started feeling kind of desperate for Charlie, honestly. He hates when they’re apart, and he wants to have an actual claim over him—not in a possessive way, though Nick does see the way other guys look at Charlie when they go to the pub with their friends, and Nick would love nothing more than for everyone to see that Charlie's his.
They’re playing Mario Kart, and Nick is losing spectacularly, no surprise there. He has all of this frantic energy, and he feels like he just needs to run around and let it out. (Maybe Charlie has a point when he says Nick’s like a golden retriever.) He knows the only thing that will really help is to just ask Charlie to be his boyfriend. Now’s as good a time as any.
“Charlie…” Nick pauses. He doesn’t think Charlie would outright reject him, but a part of him is scared that he’s alone in the intensity of his feelings. “Do you want to go out? With me.”
Charlie just says “of course,” and maybe Nick was overthinking it all along.
“Oh!” He says, joy filling in his chest. “I guess I don’t know why I was worried you’d say no.”
“You know worrying is supposed to be my thing, right?” Charlie teases.
Nick laughs, feeling so fucking pleased. He leans into Charlie, and he doesn’t hold back, finally kissing him with an intensity that matches his feelings. They’re boyfriends now; Nick’s allowed. Nick pulls Charlie towards him, maneuvering him so he has one knee on either side of Nick’s thighs. Nick doesn’t pull Charlie down on top of him, as much as he’d like to. He doesn’t want to pressure him, but Nick can’t help the way his hips involuntarily lift towards Charlie. He’s about to pull back to apologize when he feels Charlie shift down to meet him.
“Fuck,” Nick swears, and his hands flex around Charlie’s waist.
Charlie does it again, this time coming to rest on Nick’s lap.
“God, Char. Keep doing that,” Nick says, barely able to hold himself together. Nick thinks he should feel embarrassed by how incomprehensibly good this is despite being a bit juvenile, but all he feels is glad that he gets to have this with Charlie. That he’s the only one who gets to see him like this.
—
Afterwards, Nick can’t stop blushing and sneaking glances at Charlie. The real thing was so much better than anything Nick could’ve imagined—and he’s certainly been imagining it a lot. They watch Schitt’s Creek, and Nick can’t help but pull Charlie into him. He’s sure he’s being a bit clingy, but Nick just always wants to touch and hold Charlie. He loves the way Charlie slots into his side so perfectly, like he was meant to be there.
“Nick? What did you have in mind?” Charlie asks partway through the episode. “For our… outing.”
Nick laughs. Of course Charlie would call their first official date as boyfriends an “outing.” He doesn’t mind though. He looks forward to being outed as Charlie’s boyfriend.
“It’s a surprise,” Nick says. Honestly, he’s been thinking about this for weeks. Ever since Charlie mentioned some childhood memory of going to an indoor market with his family. He’d looked so peaceful describing it, and Nick always wants to make him feel like that when they were together.
Less than an episode later, Charlie’s asleep on Nick’s shoulder, and Nick is just fucking fond.
—
Nick wakes the next morning feeling calm and refreshed. Charlie had slept on Nick for a couple hours, and smiled sheepishly when Nick had had to wake him up.
“I never mind you using me as a pillow,” Nick had said, walking Charlie to the door. Nick had been tempted to ask Charlie to stay over, but Tara’s warning from a few weeks ago had rung in his mind. He really does want to be careful with Charlie—part of the reason he hadn’t initiated anything other than kissing until they were together officially—so he’d just wrapped him in his arms, tugging him close and kissing the top of his head. God, Nick loves his hair so much.
Now, Nick opens the group chat with his rugby friends. He knows he doesn’t need to come out to anyone, but now that he and Charlie are officially dating, he kind of just wants everyone to know.
Nick (11:46 am)
Hey lads, I have to tell you all something, and I don’t want it to change anything
Otis (11:47 am)
Yeah whats up mate?
Nick (11:49 am)
I have a boyfriend
His name’s Charlie
Christian (11:51 am)
Oh shit, I didn’t know you were gay
Nick (11:52 am)
I’m bi, actually
But yeah
Sai (11:53 am)
Thanks for telling us
You don’t have to worry about anything being different
Right, lads?
Otis (11:54 am)
Of course
Christian (11:55 am)
Right
We support you mate
Does the rest of the team know?
Nick (11:56 am)
Thanks, that means a lot
And no. I don’t care if they find out eventually, but I wanted to tell you lot first
Sai (11:58 am)
You should bring him round the pub tomorrow night
Nick (11:59 am)
Yeah?
I’ll ask him, thanks
—
Unsurprisingly, Charlie is hesitant about hanging out with the rugby lads.
“It’s not that I don’t want to meet your friends,” he tells Nick. “I just… didn’t have the greatest experience with the rugby guys in secondary school. I don’t think I’ve ever talked about it to you but,” he hesitates. “I got outed in Year 9. The bullying was… pretty bad. And almost all of it was from the rugby lads. I’m sure your friends aren’t like that, I just get nervous.”
“Charlie,” Nick says, his heart constricting. “I’m so fucking sorry that happened. We don’t have to go tonight. I only want to do something if you want it too.”
“I want to,” Charlie protests. “I do. It’s just a few of them, right? I’m sure it’ll be fine. But could we… like, leave early? If I get overwhelmed?”
“Of course, Charlie,” Nick says, feeling equal parts proud of and heartbroken for him. “God, anything you want.”
Nick pulls Charlie into a hug, and he can feel as Charlie lets out a deep breath before wrapping his arms around Nick’s waist. Nick has the impulse to fight anyone who has ever hurt this man. Nick pulls away eventually.
“As much as I hate un-koalaing, we should probably get ready to head out,” Nick says.
Charlie just looks up at him and breaks into a grin. “What the fuck did you just say?”
Nick lets out a startled laugh and blushes instantly. “Un-koalaing. That’s what I started calling it in my head, when I have to stop hugging you.”
“You’re such a dork,” Charlie says affectionately. Nick’s glad he’s smiling again.
“And you’re a nerd, so now we’re even.” Charlie just rolls his eyes.
When they get to the pub half an hour later, Charlie tries to slip his hand out of Nick’s. Nick holds on tighter.
“They already know about you, remember?”
Charlie bites his lip nervously, but then he nods, smiling up at Nick. Nick tugs them through the door and immediately spots his friends at their usual table under the TV.
“Hey, guys,” he says, feeling a bit nervous. He knows they said they were fine with him being bi, but knowing your mate has a boyfriend is different than seeing him walk into the pub holding hands with said boyfriend. “This is Charlie.”
Otis claps Charlie on the shoulder in greeting, and the tension in Nick’s chest eases.
“Pleased Nick’s brought you around, mate,” Christian says. “Now we know why he keeps ditching our pub nights. Knew he couldn’t really be studying that much.”
Nick laughs. He sits down and gestures for Charlie to do the same. Charlie still looks slightly uneasy, but he’s smiling cautiously.
“I’ll grab drinks,” Sai offers. “Charlie? What’ll it be?”
“Oh, um, just a cider?”
Nick puts a hand on Charlie’s knee, and Charlie smiles at him appreciatively. Christian and Otis start asking Charlie questions about his courses and family, and it seems to reassure him. By the time they’ve all had a couple drinks, Charlie is swapping embarrassing stories about Nick with the rest of the guys.
“I had to teach him how to make pasta,” Charlie says in false exasperation. “He didn’t know that you were supposed to let the water boil first, or that he could put the spaghetti in the pot without snapping it. You’re lucky I’m not Italian, or that probably would’ve been a deal breaker.”
The lads all laugh, and Charlie looks pleased.
When Charlie gets up to go to the bathroom, Sai leans over to Nick. “He seems good for you, mate. I’m glad you brought him out with us.”
Charlie looks at Nick questioningly when he gets back to the table, seeing Nick beaming like an idiot. “What?”
“Nothing,” Nick says. “I’m just really happy you’re here.”
—
It’s Nick and Charlie’s one month anniversary, and Nick has a match a few hours away. He would’ve wanted to do something to celebrate, but seeing as Charlie hadn’t mentioned it, maybe they’re just not making a big deal out of it. Nick would celebrate their anniversary weekly if he could, but he knows Charlie doesn’t love being the center of attention, so he’s fine with keeping it lowkey. For this month, at least.
Because their game is so early in the morning, Nick and the team are staying in a hotel tonight. Some of the guys went out, but Nick figures he should be setting a good example and staying in considering he’ll be captain next year. Plus, if they can’t spend their anniversary together, Nick at least wants to somehow be with Charlie tonight.
Charlie picks up the FaceTime call almost immediately. “This is a surprise,” he says.
“Yeah, well we normally see each other every day so I’ve never needed to call you before.”
Nick slightly regrets deciding to FaceTime rather than call, because he sees Charlie wearing one of the jumpers Nick had accidentally left at his dorm, and it’s killing Nick that he can’t be there when he looks so fucking soft and cuddly. But then he reminds himself how much he likes seeing Charlie’s face, and he decides it’s worth a bit of suffering.
Nick props his phone on the lamp and lays down. Charlie does the same on the other line, and Nick can almost pretend they’re together in his bed, talking across the pillows (though it’s probably best not to think about the activities that would precede that, at least not when he can’t do anything about it.)
They catch up on their days for a while, Nick telling Charlie about one of his teammates falling asleep on the coach and snoring so loudly that everyone in the back could hear him, despite the fact that he was in the second row. Charlie tells Nick about the guy in his dorm building who had forgotten his keys and slept on the floor outside of his room instead of on one of the common room couches right down the hall. That somehow reminds Charlie of an old picture he’d gotten from his dad earlier that week, and he sends it to Nick so they can look at it together. It’s of a 13 year old Charlie with his little brother tucked under a canopy of blankets suspended on the backs of chairs. Charlie looks so tender and nostalgic describing it to Nick.
Nick files that away for later.
“Oh!” Charlie says excitedly. “We had a game night at Tara and Darcy’s tonight. Darcy made up Two Truths and a Monopoly Jenga—not her best name, admittedly—but guess what Tara let slip?”
Nick laughs at how giddy Charlie seems. “What?”
Charlie grins, his eyes glinting. “That a certain someone kissed her in Year 8 and is now one of her closest friends.”
Nick groans, covering his face with his hands. “God, she promised she’d never tell anyone about that. Yeah, so she was my first kiss, and you’re not allowed to make fun of me for it.”
“I would never,” Charlie says in mock seriousness. Nick knows he’s never going to hear the end of this.
“Who was your first kiss, then?” Nick asks. “Not a lesbian, I’m assuming.”
Charlie chuckles, but it comes out flat. There’s something in his eyes that makes Nick uneasy.
“Char? Are you okay? You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”
“No, it’s fine,” Charlie says. He takes a deep breath. “In Year 10, I had a thing with this guy Ben. The bullying had just started to die down, and no one had ever been interested in me before. He would text me to meet up whenever he wanted to, but then ignore me the rest of the time. I thought he was my boyfriend, but he was just using me. I ended things when I saw him kissing someone from the girls school, but I should’ve ended it long before that. I probably shouldn’t have started it in the first place, it just felt so nice to have someone who wanted me like that.”
Nick’s jaw twinges, and he realizes he’s been clenching it the entire time Charlie’s been talking. “You didn’t deserve that, Charlie. I’m so sorry. Fuck. You’re, like, the strongest person I know.”
“I’m not,” Charlie protests.
“You are,” Nick urges. “To go through all of the bullying, then everything with Ben.” Nick spits out his name like it’s poisonous. “You’re incredible, Charlie.”
Charlie’s silent, but Nick thinks he sees a glimpse of a smile on his face.
“Enough about me,” Charlie says. “It’s your turn. I’m sure you’ve always had loads of people interested in you. Who was your first girlfriend?”
“Oh,” Nick flushes. “Um, no girlfriends. One of my friends from secondary school asked me out in Year 11, and we went on one date. She kissed me goodnight, but it was so awkward for both of us. She was one of my best friends, and I never really saw her as anything more than that. And I kissed this girl at a rugby party last year. Christian was into her friend, and the only way she would leave with him was if she found someone for her friend to stay with. She was nice, and I think she liked me a bit, but I didn’t feel anything after she kissed me, so I just walked her home. And then there’s you, and you obviously know everything there.”
Nick has never really had his lack of experience pointed out like this. He’s not like some of the other rugby guys, who are constantly comparing body counts and mocking anyone who has a number they deem to be “too low.” He knows Sai didn’t kiss anyone until their second term last year, and he knows loads of people who haven’t done anything with anyone. All that’s to say he doesn’t think it’s a big deal when people aren’t super experienced. He just had never really recognized that in himself.
“Huh,” Charlie says contemplatively. “I knew you’d never done anything with a guy, but I guess I didn’t realize…”
“How new everything was for me? Yeah, you’re kind of my first everything,” Nick has to pause. It’s kind of overwhelming how right that feels. “But what about you, after Ben? I see how people look at you when we go out, I’m sure you’re used to people being interested at this point.”
Charlie huffs, like he wants to protest. “I was dating this guy, Ethan, for a bit in October. We’d been sort of hooking up for a few weeks when he asked me to be his boyfriend. We only lasted like three weeks after that. I don’t think either of us really had feelings for each other, it just seemed like being boyfriends was the next step.”
“When you say hooking up…” Nick trails off. Obviously he can’t be upset about what Charlie had done before they met, but he selfishly had sort of hoped they’d be each other's firsts, at least for some things.
Charlie buries his face in the sleeve of Nick’s jumper and Nick feels another pang of longing, wanting Charlie to be burying his face into Nick himself like he normally does when he’s embarrassed. “I mean, we’ve done more at this point than Ethan and I did. And I like you more than I liked him.” Something odd flashes across Charlie’s face. “As a person, I mean. Ethan was just dull.”
Charlie yawns, and it looks sort of exaggerated, but Nick doesn’t call him out on it. He knows Charlie feels uncomfortable sometimes talking about their physical relationship.
“I should probably get to bed,” Charlie says. “Good luck at your game tomorrow.”
Nick barely has time to say good night by the time Charlie hangs up. Nick feels like something’s going on, but he trusts Charlie to tell him if there’s a problem. He was probably just embarrassed talking about what he’d done with other guys, or maybe just upset about Ben.
Nick doesn’t get much sleep that night. He keeps going back to his conversation, turning different things over in his mind. When he thinks back on it, he realizes he really didn’t feel much of anything for anyone until Charlie. He knows he’s had crushes before, and kissing those girls wasn’t unpleasant, but he’d never really thought about sex with anyone until just before he started having it with Charlie. That doesn’t feel very 20-year-old-boy of him. Nick turns over in bed restlessly, feeling the same confusion he’d felt in those early days of crushing on Charlie.
—
The following afternoon, Nick is sitting next to Sai on the coach. They’d won their match fairly easily, so the general mood of the team is light, and the coach is loud with the sounds of laughter and conversations Nick’s likely glad he can’t hear.
“Can I ask you a kind of weird question?” Nick asks suddenly. He honestly hadn’t even planned to talk about this, but Sai’s probably his closest friend on the team, and he has more emotional maturity than people give him credit for.
Sai shrugs. “Go for it.”
“You hadn’t been with anyone until Becca last year, right?” Sai nods, and Nick continues. “Did you… like, think about kissing girls before that? I mean it seems like you could’ve gotten with someone before that if you’d wanted to.”
Sai studies him for a moment. “I just never really cared. I knew I was behind a lot of my mates in terms of experience, but I’d never wanted to kiss someone till Becca, so I didn’t.” He hesitates. “What’s this about? Do you not want to kiss Charlie?”
“No, it’s definitely not that,” Nick says, blushing. “We were talking last night, and I just realized that I’d never really been into any of the girls I’d kissed like I’m interested in him.”
“And you’re sure you like girls, too?”
“Yeah, I know I’m bi. I find girls attractive, just… I don’t know.”
“Do you think it’s because you actually have feelings for Charlie? Like, as soon as I started liking Becca, that’s when I started fancying her too, even though I’d always known she was fit.”
Nick stares ahead, feeling like something’s slotted into place in his brain. “That actually makes a lot of sense, yeah. Thanks, Sai.”
“No problem, mate. Do you think you’re going to tell Charlie?”
Nick shrugs. “I mean, if it comes up I guess. I don’t know, is it weird that it doesn’t feel that important? I’m already with Charlie so it’s not like it’s ever really going to be relevant for me.”
Sai just stares at him.
“What?” Nick asks.
“Nothing, just… you’ve only been together for like a month, right?”
“Yeah? Why?” Nick’s confused.
“You basically just said you don’t see yourself ever being with anyone else.”
Nick flushes and thinks back to what he’d said. “Oh. Fuck. I mean, maybe it’s really fucking early to be thinking about us long term, but I definitely don’t see myself breaking up with him. So I guess… yeah, I guess I don’t see myself being with anyone else. Not unless he ends it.”
Sai pats him on the shoulder, and Nick can’t help but smile. He’s probably stupid for thinking about forever with Charlie already, but he’s just Nick’s favorite person; the best person. He can’t imagine his life without Charlie in it, and he hopes Charlie feels the same way.
—
Nick walks Charlie back to his dorm after their night out at the gay club. He’s been extra clingy all night, but Charlie just looks so good. Nick always thinks Charlie looks good, but something about seeing him in mesh, his smooth and lean arms on display, and that chain belt with the club lights dancing off his skin… it drove Nick fucking crazy. Nick’s not saying he dragged Charlie into a back hallway of the club, then an alley on the walk home, and then the stairwell of Charlie’s building just so Nick could get his mouth on Charlie’s, except that’s exactly what he did and he’s not at all ashamed.
“Thanks for bringing me tonight,” Nick says, leaning against the wall with his arms loosely around Charlie’s waist. He likes the way Charlie is leaning on him, letting Nick’s body hold him up.
Charlie looks thoughtful. “Do you mean to say that every time we hang out?”
Nick looks confused.
“You always thank me for spending time with you,” Charlie clarifies. “Like after we first kissed, and our first time going to the ice cream shop. Whenever I leave your flat or you drop me off, you say thank you.”
“Oh,” Nick blushes. “I’ve honestly never noticed.”
“I like it,” Charlie says quietly. He lifts up onto his toes to kiss Nick softly, then pulls back. “Good night. Thank you for coming with me.”
Nick squeezes his hand, then watches him walk upstairs, feeling so in love. Because he loves Charlie. It’s been building this whole time, and Nick’s honestly surprised he hasn’t put a name to the feeling until now. Realizing that he truly does thank Charlie every time they hang out made something just… click. Nick’s so grateful for every minute he gets to spend in Charlie’s presence, and what could that be other than love? Nick smiles the whole way home.
—
Nick (10:31 am)
What time are you coming round today? x
Nick wakes up more excited than he’s been in ages. Today is his and Charlie’s two month anniversary, and he just wants to do something to celebrate Charlie today. He has a short practice today, so he’ll be able to get everything set up this morning. He’s been slowly making this playlist of songs that remind him of Charlie—it’s 95% soft love ballads because he’s a fucking cliche—and he plays it over the speaker as he gathers up all of the blankets around the flat, the fairy lights from his room, and as many pillows and couch cushions as he can manage. It only takes him about an hour, and Nick’s pleased with the result. Once Charlie actually gets here, he’ll shut the blinds so the warm light of the lamp and fairy lights make the room extra cozy. There’s a bottle of prosecco in the fridge and he stocked up on Charlie’s favorite brand of chocolate.
Charlie still hasn’t responded by the time Nick’s meant to leave for practice, but he did get home late after leaving here last night, so he might not be awake yet. Once at practice, his friends give him shit for his extra happy mood, especially once they get him to admit that he has a surprise planned for Charlie. During their first water break half an hour into practice, Nick still hasn’t heard from Charlie, so he texts him again. And again during their last break.
Nick (12:35 pm)
Charlie?
Nick (1:47 pm)
Hey, are you okay?
Nick doesn’t start panicking until he gets out of the showers and he still hasn’t responded. Charlie sleeping past noon isn’t unheard of, but he’s never asleep this long. He sends two more texts, one to Charlie and one to Elle. Nick knows she’s Charlie’s emergency contact. Nick tries to tell himself that she would’ve called him if something had happened, but he’s getting really fucking worried and just needs reassurance that Charlie’s fine.
Nick (2:16 pm)
Charlie? Please just let me know you’re okay
Nick (2:17 pm)
Hey, Elle. Do you know if Charlie’s okay? He was supposed to come over this afternoon but he hasn’t been responding to any of my texts.
Nick immediately sees an incoming call from Elle. He answers right away, his heart in his throat.
“Elle?” Nick sounds panicked. “What’s wrong? Is he—”
“He’s fine,” Elle reassures him, but she sounds apologetic. “I don’t know what’s going on, but he’s okay. He’s been texting in our group chat. Not very much, but something every couple hours.”
Nick feels like he can’t breathe. “I don’t… But he’s not… What did I do?” He hears himself getting choked up. “I was just about to go over and check on him, but if he’s okay and just doesn’t want to talk to me…”
“I’m sorry, Nick,” Elle says, and she sounds like she really is. “I can’t tell you what’s going on… I really wish I knew. In secondary school, he would pull away like this sometimes and we sort of just had to wait it out. Just keep texting him, let him know that you’re here for him. If he still isn’t responding by tomorrow, I’ll go over and try to get it out of him. We all love you, Nick. Please be patient with him.”
“I will,” he promises. “Of course I will.”
With shaking hands, he sends another text.
Nick (2:24 pm)
Okay I’ve just called Elle and she said you’re talking to everyone else
So like
What’s going on?
Nick feels like crying. He doesn’t know what he’s done, and he doesn’t know how to make this better. He’d almost told Charlie he loved him last night, as he was giving him a hug goodbye. Charlie had gone to pull away, and Nick had held him close for a moment longer. When Nick leaned his head back to say those three words that have been bouncing around his head for weeks, he saw something in Charlie’s eyes that made him pause. He’d assumed Charlie was just tired, but what if it was something else? What if Charlie knew what Nick had been ready to say and doesn’t feel the same way?
Nick walks home in a daze, and when he unlocks the door and sees the state of his living room, he really does cry. Today was supposed to be a special day for him and Charlie, and now he’s terrified that it’s the end of them. He tries and fails to distract himself, doing coursework that isn’t due for weeks, watching his comfort shows—they’re doing a pretty unspectacular job of comforting him—and calling his mum. He has to end the call ten minutes in because she asks about Charlie and what he’d thought about the surprise. He pretends he’s getting another call, then sinks his head into his hands and cries again.
Nick (4:32 pm)
Did I do something? I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable last night
Last night when they were cuddling, Nick slightly delirious with afterglow, he’d told Charlie that he was Nick’s bisexual awakening, which Nick honestly assumed Charlie had already known. He didn’t think Charlie had thought anything of it in the moment, but maybe he was put off when he realized how intense Nick’s feelings have been this whole fucking time.
Nick reheats leftover pasta, the first food he’s had since breakfast, and falls into his bed, hoping that he’ll wake up in the morning and everything will be okay. Instead, he wakes up several hours later, feeling disoriented. For a blessed moment, he forgets about Charlie ignoring him, but then he remembers and it hurts all over again.
Nick (11:25 pm)
Charlie I can’t fix this if you don’t tell me what’s going on
He feels so fucking helpless. He wants to give Charlie space if that’s what he wants. He never wants to do anything that Charlie doesn’t want. But he’s just so confused. Nick’s known for a while that he’s the more clingy and needy one in the relationship. Nick’s always the one to plan dates or ask to hang out. Charlie is rarely the one to initiate things physically. Charlie doesn’t often reach for Nick’s hands, or cuddle up to him on the couch, or hug him goodbye—at least not until Nick does first.
God, has he been reading this wrong the whole time? Charlie obviously likes him—they’re boyfriends, after all. But maybe this is like what happened with Ethan. Dating was just the natural progression of the relationship, and now it’s run its course. But Nick won’t let himself believe that yet. Sure, Charlie doesn’t ask Nick to hang out, but he’s always excited when Nick asks him. And maybe Nick’s the one to initiate sex, but Charlie is always very on board. And Nick’s always been more physically affectionate than any of his friends, so it makes sense that he would be the more touchy one.
He’s going to drive himself mad if he keeps thinking about this, so he gets up, changes, and goes to the flat’s gym. He runs on the treadmill for an hour, his feet pounding angrily against the track. He showers for the second time today, and checks the clock. 2 am. He almost decides not to text Charlie again until morning, but then he remembers what Elle had told him: Charlie needs to know that Nick’s here for him.
Nick (2:03 am)
I’m going to keep texting you because I care about you too much to care about being annoying
Nick sees that Charlie’s read the message, and his heart picks up speed. Nick’s sure that Charlie’s been reading his other messages, but this is the first one that he’s actually clicked on. That must mean something, right?. Nick watches the seconds tick by, his hope draining with every passing minute.
Charlie (2:15 am)
i can’t do this anymore
it was easier when we were just friends
i’m sorry
Nick’s heart falls in his chest. It actually physically hurts. Tears immediately form in his eyes, and Nick’s breath heaves. He’s never known pain like this, and maybe he’s being dramatic considering it was only a two month relationship, but he knows deep down that it was never supposed to end this soon, if at all. He’s imagined living with Charlie one day; getting a dog of their own, having film and game nights with their friends in their shared space, spending every night in each others’ arms. God, he imagined their fucking wedding.
He can’t just give up on them. Charlie’s worth too much; they’re worth too much. Nick jumps out of bed, aware that this could make him hurt a hell of a lot more than he already does, but knowing that he would hate himself if he didn’t at least try. He pulls his shoes and jumper on and bolts out the door. He doesn’t even care enough to go back inside to get an umbrella despite the pouring rain. He runs the entire way to Charlie’s dorm building, grateful that it’s a Saturday night so that he can get inside without Charlie needing to buzz him in. He slips in after a group of drunk girls and pounds up the stairs to Charlie’s room. He doesn’t care if he wakes up the whole floor with the way he’s banging on Charlie’s door. He’s not leaving until—
Charlie opens the door, wrapped in a thick blanket. He’s squinting, and his eyes are red rimmed. Nick’s heart clenches.
“Hi.”
—
Nick feels like he’s going to vibrate out of his skin, sitting this close to Charlie and not knowing if he’ll ever get to hold him again. He gets up abruptly and walks over to Charlie’s window, staring at the rain falling down heavily on the barely-illuminated streets. His breath catches in his throat, and he breathes deeply to hold the tears off. Charlie had just told him that they could still be friends; so casually said that it was just their relationship that would be ending, as if this relationship isn’t the best thing that’s ever happened to Nick.
“It’s just the… you know,” Charlie had said. “The sex and the kissing and cuddling that would stop. And I know you’ll easily find someone who wants all of that with you.”
“But I don’t want that with anyone else!” Nick had said, feeling his eyes prick. And now he’s here, watching people stumble around in the streets, unaware of how broken Nick feels three stories up. He turns around.
“Charlie, I only want you,” he says, voice breaking. “And if you don’t want me like that anymore, I understand. I don’t know what’s changed, but I’ll back off. I still want you in my life, I’ll just need some time to adjust. I can’t go from being your boyfriend to just your friend and act like my feelings have disappeared.”
“What did you just say?” Charlie asks, his voice faint.
“I’ll just need some space for a bit. Only until it stops hurting this much.” Nick lets out a huff of a laugh, desperate to make the situation feel lighter than it is. But there’s nothing light about his heart being fucking broken.
“No, no, not that,” Charlie says, and he sounds oddly panicked. “The boyfriend part.”
“It’ll be hard to go from being boyfriends to just friends?” Nick feels the knots reform in his stomach. “I don’t know why you keep making me say this, Char. It was hard enough the first time.”
Nick notices a tear quickly drop down Charlie’s face. “When… um. How long have we been boyfriends?”
Nick furrows his brow. What the fuck is going on? “Since I asked you to be my boyfriend, probably? Back in February? Before we went to the market.”
“Nick, I think I would’ve remembered if you’d asked me that,” Charlie says, and Nick feels slightly faint. He still doesn’t know what’s going on.
“Okay well maybe I didn’t say boyfriend, but it was clearly implied.” Nick has to sit on Charlie’s desk chair, thinking back to everything that’s happened between them the past two months, trying to see how Charlie could’ve possibly misunderstood it.
“How was it implied?” Charlie asks. “All we’d done at that point was hang out and kiss. I didn’t think you… liked me like that.”
Nick is brought up short. He truly doesn’t know how Charlie doesn’t see how strongly Nick feels about him—has felt about him the whole time. He thinks back to everything that’s happened between them in the three months they’ve known each other. And Nick realizes maybe he hasn’t been the best about saying how he feels, but words have never been his strong suit. He thought Charlie could tell. Knew that when Nick pulled him to his chest, he was saying I want to be your safe space. Could hear the unspoken thank you for choosing me in his kisses. Knew that when Nick held his hand, he meant I want to show the world how much you mean to me, and that when he texted Charlie jokes at all hours of the day, he was really telling him everything reminds me of you. Nick thought Charlie knew that in everything he did, every hug, every kiss, every text, everything, Nick was saying I love you, I love you, I love you.
“I’ve liked you like that the entire time,” Nick says now, and he can hear the desperation in his voice. “Why else would I have wanted to be around you all the time? Or be unable to keep my hands off of you when we were together?”
“You said it was an experiment! After that first kiss. I thought you just wanted casual. Friends with benefits or something,” Charlie says, and he looks so unsure.
“I was going along with your science joke!” Nick lets out a deep sigh and reaches out to Charlie as he stands, firmly grabbing both of his hands. “Charlie, this has never been anything but 100% serious for me since the first second I spoke to you.” Nick pauses, but pushes past his hesitation. “I love you, okay?”
“Oh,” Charlie says, looking stricken. He doesn’t say anything for a moment, and Nick panics briefly before Charlie finally says, “I love you, too. Obviously.”
Nick’s chest tightens, and he feels himself choke up. He knows he and Charlie likely still have a lot to talk about, but Nick loves him, and Charlie loves him back, and that’s all that fucking matters.
—
Nick wakes up confused, until he remembers where he is. Charlie’s arm is thrown over his chest, and his curls are tickling Nick’s neck. The fairy lights are still twinkling above them, and the multicolored blankets are a comforting cave around them. He stays still, listening to Charlie’s soft breathing above him. He drifts off again, feeling drunk from the warmth of Charlie on top of him and the headiness of knowing they’re okay—better than okay. He’s jerked awake by the sound of his alarm coming from… somewhere. He pats around for it, eventually sitting up and finding it by their feet. He’s about to slide out of the fort when Charlie reaches out to him and tugs him back down.
“We should get up,” Nick says, laughing.
“No,” Charlie groans. “More cuddles.”
“We have classes, Char,” Nick says gently, smiling so fondly at his boyfriend’s whining.
He hums in dissent, and Nick is helpless.
“Five more minutes,” Nick says, faking sternness and hoping that Charlie listens because Nick is absolutely powerless to say no to him.
Charlie burrows deeper into Nick’s chest and Nick laughs.
“Love that,” Charlie murmurs. “Feeling you laugh.”
Nick presses a kiss to Charlie’s forehead. He’s so in love with this man. Ten minutes later—because Nick truly can’t say no to Charlie when he looks this soft—Charlie finally lets himself be pulled out from under the blankets, Nick promising him a cup of tea for his troubles. Charlie comes back from the bathroom, and he’s picked up one of Nick’s jumpers from somewhere. This one is big on Nick, so it absolutely envelops Charlie. Nick adds it to the list of his favorite views.
Nick turns to start the tea, and he feels Charlie’s arms wrap around him from behind. Charlie’s cheek is pressed into Nick’s upper back.
“You’re extra cuddly this morning,” Nick says.
“Always want to cuddle you,” Charlie says, clearly still half asleep. “Just didn’t want you to think I was too clingy.”
Nick thinks it’ll always hurt him a little bit to know that Charlie didn’t know how intense Nick’s feelings were for him for all those months. To think this all could’ve been avoided if he’d just said the word “boyfriend” when asking Charlie out.
He doesn’t want to disrupt the easy joy of the morning, though, so he laughs lightly. “You’ve met me, right?” he asks Charlie. “I can’t keep my hands off of you for more than 30 seconds. Please cling to me as much as you want.”
He turns around, pressing a light kiss to Charlie’s mouth.
“You taste like toothpaste,” he says, smiling softly.
“Well I have literally just brushed my teeth, believe it or not,” Charlie says, grinning.
“Please tell me you didn’t use my toothbrush,” Nick says. “I don’t care that I kiss you all the time, I’m still not sharing a toothbrush with you.”
Charlie giggles. “I didn’t use your toothbrush. But maybe… Maybe I could get one for me to keep here?
Nick smiles widely and hugs Charlie tightly, picking him off the floor a bit. He’s so fucking glad Charlie’s asking for what he wants now and trusting that he deserves to have it.
“You can have a drawer, too, if you want,” Nick says into Charlie’s neck. “Though I’m not sure you’ll need it seeing as you just wear my jumpers half the time anyway.”
“I love you,” Charlie says in response, and it still takes Nick by surprise.
“I love you, too,” Nick says. “And I’m never going to get tired of telling you. Get ready, I’m about to start posting incredibly obnoxious pictures of you all over my Instagram with the sappiest captions.”
“Is that going to be before or after you finish making my tea?”
Nick lets out a startled laugh, loving the way Charlie is so subtly snarky, and he hopes Charlie never stops surprising him like this. He shoos Charlie out of the kitchen, telling him he’s being distracting, and finishes making their cups. Charlie’s taken some of the cushions out from the pillow fort and put them back in the love seat. Nick hands him his mug and almost dies at how cute Charlie looks as he takes it with both hands, the sleeves of Nick’s jumper pulled up to his fingers. Nick sits down next to Charlie, immediately pulling him even closer, and sighing contentedly.
Sitting there, with the morning light softly streaming into the room, Charlie nestled in Nick’s arms and clothes, drinking tea out of their matching mugs, Nick knows he’s seeing the start of the rest of his life.