Chapter Text
Space is lonely.
Yoongi had told him that when they first met. Namjoon hadn’t quite believed it, this tiny alien with his too soft skin and a smile that was just a little feral knew nothing of space. Not like he did. Namjoon’s species has always been of intergalactic travellers, he was born in a space station. Space had always been home for him. His people literally could hear the planets wishes. They were made for this. Yoongi had rolled his eyes when Namjoon said all of that and it had taken Hoseok releasing some calming pheromones to make sure this interaction didn’t escalate into a fight.
He gets it now.
Sitting on the cockpit of his ship, not having talked with another being in weeks. He feels more desperate about it than he has any right to be. The claws of loneliness sink into his heart, making him want to call home and beg to be taken back. He can’t do it though, the disgrace that he’d bring his ship, his family… He can’t go home.
So he stays alone in this ship that was supposed to feel like an extension to himself, but feels more like a prison. As he stares at the starcharts and readings, he catches a glimpse at his own reflection on the screens. And Namjoon knows he looks bad, his eyes look sunken and his skin has lost it’s shine… Looking as if metal has started oxidizing. He can barely see the green that’s supposed to be under it. He sighs heavily, setting up a course for the next planet to explore.
He sits there, watching as the emptiness of the void stares back at him. And it makes him feel insignificant, but not in the relaxing way it did when he was younger. More like no one will even be aware if something happens to him. He’s just one consciousness in the middle of the void, and the void would consume and destroy him if it had the chance. It would even make a difference.
Namjoon closes his eyes, and maybe he falls asleep. The world feels fuzzy and there’s nothing to do besides existing in his thoughts, and he can’t say he’s a big fan of that. Trying to let tiredness wash over him. Not fighting the wish to just sleep so that he’s not aware of anything. It’s a coward’s move he thinks, it’s avoidance and denial. He should just admit he is a failure.
He should be okay, it’s not that hard to do what he does in the end. The ship basically flies itself, Namjoon is just needed to check planets for their living conditions and file a report back to the central hub. He had beaten so many people for this chance…. It’s the kind of job every goddamn kid in the Academy he went to wanted. It’s the job his people basically invented. He thinks of the stories he’d hear from elders, about the planets they’d find and how it truly felt like they were a part of the universe… He had always imagined how it would be when he first heard a planet's music…
Namjoon blinks when one of the alarms in the panel comes to life. He sits up on his seat, adjusting his back and checks what is the matter.
He frowns when he sees a distress call. Those are rare, this system is not inhabited, no one should be here in their right mind. He sees a registry of the ship, and as luck would have it, he sees the name of the pilot. Min Yoongi.
Namjoon hates the way his throat tightens.
He hasn’t seen Yoongi since they graduated. Namjoon followed the path of piloting, Yoongi from what he heard from their mutual friends had been settled on command. They had never been close, mostly just floating around in the same orbit of friends but never getting too close. Too big of personalities is always what Namjoon assumed, just not compatible. It feels so damn ironic that he’d see the person that had called him out on the lonelyness when he is in this state. He accepts the distress signal without much further thought, and the voice comes through.
“Thank fuck. I was worried I’d have to wait another fortnight here.” Yoongi’s voice is a balm Namjoon didn’t quite know he needed. He has only heard his own voice and the default sound of the announcers. “Sorry. This is Min Yoongi, command officer of the Intergalatic Federation. My ship had a malfunction and I’ve been stuck here for the last 40 hours?”
Namjoon’s voice comes out rougher when he decides to speak. “It’s Kim Namjoon, an exploration pilot. I can drop by to offer you aid in the repairs.” Does he sound as desperate as he feels? Insecure about interacting with someone after so long, so aware of how awkward and stifled his words sound.
There’s a beat of silence and Namjoon wonders if he’s the being Yoongi didn’t want to see here. It wouldn’t be surprising.
“Well, that’s a surprise.” Yoongi sounds amused. “I’m sending over my coordinates.”
He sees them appearing on the screen. “I’ll be there in an hour tops, Officer Min.”
“You can call me Yoongi.” He sounds so casual about everything, and Namjoon feels like a starved man and a liar. He blinks and nods even if the other can’t see. “I’ll be waiting here.” Yoongi chuckles to himself. “Not like I can go anywhere.”
Namjoon cuts the communication and realizes how much he’s shaking at just this. He can feel his mind buzzing with the perspective of interaction, the idea of having another living being in his space both fills him with anxiety and excitment. He sets the coordinates and gets up, trying to do a slight clean up. There are books all over the place, because he insists on old tech, he insists on flipping through pages it at least gives him something to do with his body. He shoves things inside his locket, makes sure everything else looks presentable. Even when his brain is telling him this is the wrong kind of thing to be prioritizing. That Yoongi will not notice anything, he probably won’t even be here for more than a couple hours.
And still, he feels more excited about the prospect of Min Yoongi than he ever felt about anything in his life.
—
The planet itself is a desert, an empty collection of blue dunes with a few scattered rock formations. It’s pretty, that’s for sure… But Namjoon can’t hear it either. Can’t hear its song even if he can almost imagine it.
Yoongi’s ship is visible when he approaches, a smaller and older one not the kind made for exploration. Namjoon can see even from a distance that it looks a bit broken. He can’t easily identify the problem, but he can spot Yoongi standing by it. As Namjoon settles his own ship not too far from it and come out from it, his eyes keep going back to this other living being so close to him.
Yoongi has not changed in all these years, he’s still short and with that milky colored skin. He waves at Namjoon, smiling with those rows and rows of teeth that always made Namjoon feel a bit intimidated. His species are apex predators in their world, something Yoongi would insist on reminding people whenever he saw the need to. He doesn’t look as threatening anymore though, right now he looks more like the best thing Namjoon could ever hope to encounter.
“It’s good to see you, Namjoon.” Even though they are standing in front of each other, it still takes Namjoon by surprise to hear his own name being spoken out loud. “Well, the circumstances could be better, but it’s still good to see you.” He waves off to the ship behind him, taking a few steps closer to Namjoon. He extends a hand, and for a moment Namjoon is staring at it as if it’s a lifeboat. He rushes it to shake it, almost tripping over his own feet as he does so. His own skin feels like it’s exploding in fireworks, he feels acutely aware of how cold - not cold, refreshing - Yoongi’s skin is. Namjoon can feel the blood pumping in his veins, and a weird sense of relief, a sense of reality he didn’t quite think he’d ever feel again. It takes him longer than it should to let go of the other’s hand, but he knows he has to. There's proper behaviour and no matter how desperate he is… He can’t let it become too much. So, he pulls his hand away and crosses his arms over his chest.
“Yeah…What was the issue you encountered?” Talking about the spaceship is better, focusing on actual practical matters instead of how pathetically lonely Namjoon is. He focuses his eyes on the metal, trying to see if he can figure out the details of the situation. If he can pull his mind away from this need, that's clawing on his chest.
Yoongi is looking at him, tilting his head slightly and Namjoon can only catch it with the edge of his vision. He feels naked and uncomfortable with the way those sharp purple eyes are fixed on him.
Whatever Yoongi sees seems to satisfy him enough, because he answers the question. “Some technical difficulties, it’s an old spaceship and I think some of the pieces just gave up. Luckily I managed to land it, being adrift on space would have been worse.”
Namjoon nods and follows when Yoongi walks closer to the ship, pointing at the pieces. He is so calm about it, it almost irks Namjoon. Mostly because it makes him aware of how little control he has over his own emotions, how much he can’t handle things. Even when he got everything he wanted. Instead, he tenses his jaw and lets his hand pass over the carcass of the ship, the small implant on his bracelet bipping as it sends the diagnosis over to his own ship. He isn’t even really needed for this, the systems have it covered. At the end, he just looks over the findings and sighs.
“I’m afraid you are right.” His own voice sounds so measured and calm. “The mechanical failure is not something we can fix here, the pieces would have to be requested and there would be a delay until they arrived.” He looks over towards the other, and Yoongi immediately looks away, staring at the ship. As if he doesn’t want to look Namjoon in the eyes… “I wouldn’t recommend staying alone, even if you have supplies. This planet is not mapped so we can’t be sure if there would be any dangers…”
“Does it seem dangerous? From its song?” The question almost feels like a slap to Namjoon’s face. He blinks a couple times, and the delay causes Yoongi to look at him, arching one of his eyebrows up. “I know your people hear planets and shit. You mentioned it a couple times when we were in the Academy.”
Namjoon gulps down on nothing, he can’t admit he only hears the silence. It would be so fucking shameful. So instead he nods. “I’d prefer to not risk it, no matter how the song feels to me.” It’s not quite a lie, he does prefer to not leave Yoongi alone. For his own sake as much as it is for the other man.
Yoongi grumbles under his breath before nodding. “Fine. I’ll grab my stuff.”
Namjoon smiles very softly as he watches the other going into the carcass of the ship. He takes a few steps away from it, trying to look busy as he waits for Yoongi to return. He crouches on the ground, letting his fingers run through the blue sand, holding it up and letting it slip through his fingers, he wants to ask this planet why won’t he hear it. What does he have to do? He bites his lower lip, and gets up. It’s not worth putting this much thought into it. He’ll focus on getting Yoongi somewhere safer, and then he can go back to pretending things would be okay.
He catches Yoongi patting the side of the ship, almost affectionate as he says a few words Namjoon can’t hear.
They depart in silence, besides the few words they exchanged on the ground. Namjoon feels so aware that there’s someone else in the ship, but he tries to go about his business. Shows Yoongi the sleeping quarters and goes to isolate himself in the cockpit to fill in paperwork. It’s better to keep himself away.
He doesn’t expect Yoongi to want to interact with him either. Why would he? It’s not like they were ever close. He probably thinks Namjoon is just a hassle. It’s always been the role they fit in their friend group, not quite close enough to be considered friends, but never with enough aggression for it to be a problem. He wishes they could be friends, he wishes that he could use this opportunity to become closer to him.
It’s a couple hours in when he hears a knock on the cockpit door that startles him out of the numbness he hadn't even realized he’d gone into.
“Come in.”
It’s so surreal to have someone walk into the cockpit. It’s even more surreal when Yoongi speaks up to him.
“Do you mind if I use your comms to call home? My devices seemed to be fried.” He nods absentmindely and tries to take a step back to give Yoongi some privacy, but before he can there’s a hand on his shoulder keeping him in position. “You can stay, I’m just calling hyung. And I’m sure he’d want to see how you are doing.”
Namjoon should really figure out a way to stop this from happening, because he hasn’t called Seokjin or anyone. He doesn’t want to worry them too much with his own insecurities and worries, and still, before he can fumble with an excuse for his situation, the call goes through and Namjoon can see Seokjin’s face on the screen.
“Namjoon-ah! Finally decided to call your hyung? Oh- Yoongi-yah?” The human is frowning in surprise, looking at the two of them for a couple moments. Namjoon can’t move, he can barely breath as he tries to maintain a very polite smile. The first opportunity he has he’ll make an excuse to just run into his cabin. He doesn’t want to have to explain to Seokjin why he hasn’t called, he doesn’t want Yoongi to know he hasn’t and start asking questions.“What the hell are you doing with Namjoon? Weren’t you going on those weird trips you take to air out your problems?”
“My spaceship finally beefed it. Namjoon was in the system, he’s gonna gimme a ride to the nearest space port.”
“That’s good.” Namjoon can feel the way Seokjin is staring at him, waiting but not demanding. It’s almost predictable when he finally can’t handle Seokjin’s silence anymore.
“It’s good to see you, Seokjin.”
“Is it? I wouldn’t have guessed since you didn’t answer my calls.”
Namjoon winces at that, hating how pathetic he must look. He’s once more aware of Yoongi’s gaze on him, and if he’s being honest he doesn’t love this vibe. He feels trapped and incompetent.
“I’m sorry, just a lot of work. Those planets will not visit themselves.” He jokes - or tries to - with a smile on his lips. “But I’ll be done in 25 cicles anyway and I’ll use the pay to buy you some human food, my treat.”
Seokjin’s glare softens a bit, and he waves his hand like he’s dismissing. “I just worry about you. But I guess you do have the planets to keep you company so you are not going stir crazy.”
“Yeah.” That would be the logic, if Namjoon could hear anything. “I’m sorry, I have to do some paperwork, so I’ll leave you with Yoongi. But I’ll try to call more, hyung.”
He’s out before Yoongi can say anything, though he still feels the other’s gaze following him.
–
Avoiding Yoongi lasts about 14 more hours.
Namjoon is not doing it strictly intentionally, it’s just hard. It’s hard because there is the energy, as if Yoongi can read through his masks. He thought he could keep it under wraps, that he had his insecurities and worries hidden deep down. But now he’s very much aware of how bad he is at hiding it. Or maybe Yoongi is just good at noticing things. Namjoon doesn’t think he’ll adress it though, because no one wants to deal with other people’s messes, especially the mess of someone who’s not close to you.
It seems he’s very wrong though, because when Namjoon is skulking around to grab whatever rations he can for the day, Yoongi is there in the small kitchen-like area with a plastic thermal cup in hand. The way he stares at Namjoon, not dodging his gaze when their eyes meet is enough for Namjoon to know his behaviour is intentional.
“Yoongi.” He gives a quick nod as he walks to the ration container. It’s the polite thing to do.
“You know I can see your emotions, Namjoon?” Yoongi sounds so collected when he speaks, taking a sip of whatever beverage he has on his thermal cup.
Namjoon freezes. The outer layer of his skin suddenly feels even more flakey with those words, with the idea that Yoongi can see how he feels. Namjoon’s jaw tenses and he is ready to make excuses or maybe even be a bit confrontational, when he feels Yoongi’s tail gently brushing against his leg. It catches him off guard, the coldness of it seeps through the layers of Namjoon’s clothes and it has this weird grounding effect.
“You don’t have to talk to me, it’s not like we are friends or anything, but… I’m here for a couple cicles, and there’s nothing wrong with needing a bit of help.”
Namjoon should say that there’s no need for this, that there’s no need for him to bother or try, but the feeling of Yoongi’s tail against his leg, the fact that someone is perceiving him - calling him out more likely - is just too much.
He doesn’t cry, he doesn’t have tear ducts and he wishes he could when a sob rakes through his body. All Namjoon can do is take a deep breath and look away - the purple stare is just too much -.
“Space really is realy lonely.” Admiting it feels like shit, he bites his lower lip so the rest of the feelings won’t come spilling out.
Yoongi should mention the listening to planets thing, he should point out that Namjoon shouldn’t be lonely. He doesn’t though, all he does is look at Namjoon, with a softness that is not deserved. He extends a hand, resting it on Namjoon’s shoulder and once more it feels overwhelming. His entire body is raked with another dry sob.
“It is, and it’s okay that you need help with it.”
He wants to disagree, but Yoongi is pulling him tightly into a hug.
Namjoon has never been a hugger, never been too physically affectionate. His people don’t usually need touching to feel connected, but this? This is the best thing in the entire universe. Yoongi’s arms are tight around him and Namjoon presses his face on the crook of his neck. He can tell Yoongi tenses a bit at it, it’s not proper behaviour but for once he can’t quite care about it. His own hands find Yoongi’s waist, and then sneak so he is encompassing the other.
Even though he is taller than Yoongi, he feels so small while hugging him. Like a child needing comfort, and he never expected it to come from a place like this. He sobs a couple more times, trying to ease his breathing as time goes on. It absolutely sucks to be this raw and open, even if it’s just a hug. Yoongi rubs his back whispering words that could be of encouragement and comfort, but Namjoon can barely hear them over the sound of buzzing in his ears.
Everything is a bit of an overwhelming whirlwind. He missed touch so much, missed feeling real and cared for. He doesn’t let his brain tell him he doesn’t deserve it, that this is pathetic or too much. If only because when he does start letting his emotions be, Yoongi’s grip grows tighter and he remembers the other talking about emotions.
He isn’t quite sure when he ended up laying in his cot, Yoongi having helped him there. He keeps his eyes closed and his grip goes lax, letting himself just be.
Yoongi leaves without speaking another word, but before he does Namjoon swears he feels fingers running through his hair. So incredibly soft.
—
It becomes a bit of an unusual thing, in the next two cicles. Which is all they have before making it to a port.
Yoongi will pull Namjoon into hugs. Those hugs don’t necessarily have a pattern, sometimes it will be a quick thing that leaves Namjoon confused if it really happened and sometimes they last for what feels like ages. It will not last forever, they both know it, but it is such a great thing. It is just the right thing.
“I can’t hear them.” Namjoon says when they are sitting side by side on Namjoon’s cot. Just after one of their cuddling sessions. It feels weird to break their silent agreement, but it feels pointless to pretend like he isn’t going through anything.
“Hm?” Yoongi looks up at him, cheeks a bit puffed as he eats the rations.
“The planets, I can’t hear them.” He is chewing on the inside of his own cheek, nervous at himself for admitting it out loud.
“Oh.” He once again feels those purple eyes staring holes into him, but Namjoon watches as his tail curls itself around Namjoon’s waist, as if it was a hug. “You know why?”
“No fucking idea. I tried everything I could think about.”
Yoongi hums again, and they remain in silence for a bit too long. He wonders if it was the wrong thing to say, and the words to apologize or dismiss everything. But the tail around his waist holds him tighter, once again forcing Namjoon to ground himself.
“Would you mind if I stayed? I have some things I’d want to try and see if they could help you.”
“Why?”
“Why not?”
“I can think of a thousand good reasons. We are not close-”
“Namjoon, you are a person going through a rough time, let me help you or try, because yeah you don’t think yourself deserving of it, but I guarantee you are.” It’s quite adorable to see the way Yoongi turns and tilts his head, looking dead serious and a bit threatening. He is left a bit speechless at that, but he doesn’t necessarily have it in him to argue against him. So he just sighs.
“I just don’t see why you’d put this much effort, but if that’s what you want.”
“It is.”