Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Bat-tling Boredom

Various capes doing a podcast, hear Gotham's favourites talk about absolute shit for an undetermined amount of time. (we were high when we started this - Red Hood, Red Robin xxx)

Episode one: what are we even doing? 

Tim: I feel like Batman's about to slam in through the window and be like "No! Secret Identities!" and break my laptop or something.

Jason: For a man who's all about secret identities, he's sure okay with us bleeding out all over Gotham. 

[short laugh]

Jason: Like, no don't tell people your name but also stay there on that roof for a random amount of time bleeding out while I beat this guy into retirement. He's so weird. 

Tim: We knew that though, like going into it, we knew that. Only a weirdo goes around dressed as a bat and giving people injuries of various degrees. I actually fought to be apart of this, wow. 

Jason: I'll not lie, I've never heard the story. 

[chuckles from both]

Tim: Yeah, you just wanted to kill me, no biggie. Found another-what? Fifteen year old? Was that how old I was? I think so, anyway, found another fifteen year old wearing the suit and just decided to murder him. 

[Tim breaks down into laughter]

Jason: Listen Red-

[pause]

[laughter]

Jason: I don't have an excuse, hehe, I don't know.

Jason: I really didn't have beef with you though, it was aimed towards Batman.

Tim: No. 

Jason: You can't just say no. 

Tim: I hundred percent can. No. The bullets were aimed towards me, not Batman. 

[chuckles]

Jason: Ah, moving on- I've never heard the story of how you became Robin. I feel like everyone avoided it so that I wouldn't be reminded of you being Robin and try to kill you again, but I am super interested to find out how. 

Tim: So, after Robin Two died- there are different Robins by the way y'all, it's not the same person. 

Jason: Why do you need to clarify that?

Tim: No, Hood, it's not even funny the amount of people who've been like 'no, you're wrong, there's only been one Robin, he's just really small'. And I always stand there, and genuinly wonder what's in the water. Robin was a blonde girl for two weeks. Robin Two is Cuban! Robin One is Romani! 

Jason: If anyone ever said that to me, I'd probably bite them. Robin Four-Five? I don't know, the current Robin is Arab, right? Yeah, he is. 

Tim: Yeah. 

[pause]

Tim: Yeah, I think-... Yeah. 

Tim: Moving on, after Robin Two died, Batman went crazy. People were in hospitals with like broken collar bones and snapped femurs just for shop lifting or something really small like that. None of the usual Rogue's were coming out 'cause everyone knew that something had happened and Batman was in no mood for shit. So, I approached Robin One, and I was like 'you need to be Robin again, he needs a Robin and only you can do it'. And he basically said no, fuck that guy. So, I had travelled quite a bit to find this guy and I took a personal offence to that, and then I decided to do it myself. So, then I became Robin. 

Jason: Without asking Batman? 

Tim: No, I did ask Batman. He originally said no, and then I told him that I knew who he was under the cowl and I could see it in his face that he was contemplating kidnapping me and keeping me locked in a cage forever. 

Jason: Sounds like something he would do. 

Tim: Yeah, honestly. That's pretty much it. There's a lot of other stuff that happened, that's a great over-simplification of what happened, but that's still basically what happened. 

Jason: That is NOT what I was told while at the League. Wow, that's so different. I knew it was probably a lie, what I was told, but again- I just didn't care. 

[wheeze]

Jason: Did not care. Hahaha, saw this kid and I was like 'yeah, I'll kill him', no questions asked. 

Tim: Look at us now. A podcast. That we should not be making. 

Jason: No, we should not be doing this. However, Batman sucks. 

Tim: Blasphemy. 

Jason: No. 

[pause]

Tim: Okay. Will you pass me that? 

Jason: Oh yeah, sure, sorry. I've been holding this for the past five minutes, haven't I? 

Tim: Yeah, but I didn't really want it back till now. 

Jason: For those at home who can probably tell what we are right now and what we're doing, we are both adults and in a safe space. For Nightwing, probably on patrol right now, go home. Don't ask questions, it's so late, just go home man. 

Tim: For those of you who can't tell what we're doing, it's okay. You don't need to know. 

Jason: The only thing is- I'm so fucking hungry. 

Jason: Like starving. Can we get Uber Eats? 

Tim: No. 

Jason: Why.

Tim: Because no one knows I live here. I don't even think we have Uber eats in Gotham. 

Jason: I thought we did, I could've sworn I've gotten Uber Eats at home before. 

Tim: Yeah, that's at home. That's like the nice part of Gotham, this is the bad part. Rent is like non-existant and so are the services. 

Jason: Alright, someone passed geography. 'So are the services', jesus. 

Tim: I can't even say at least I finished school 'cause I didn't. 

Jason: *whispers* you didn't? 

Tim: No! I dropped out, fuck school. Being Red Robin was so tiring in the beginning, and it, like, bled out into the rest of my life. My girlfriend broke up with me, our dad died for a while, I lost Robin which sucked, basically I lost my mind. Eighty-five percent sure I went through a mental breakdown during that. 

Jason: I've got the sudden urge to make you hot chocolate.

Tim: You can do that if you want. I'll drink it. But I don't have milk. 

Jason: Do you have food? 

Tim: No. 

[laughter]

Tim: I wanted to start this by explaining what we were doing, and who we are you know? 'Cause right now, we're just random guys making a podcast. Like enough guys haven't done that. But then we started talking about absolute shit and now it's been... twenty minutes? Half an hour? 

Jason: Well, they know you're Red Robin. You just talked about it. And also, that you used to be Robin. Robin Three, specifically. 

Tim: Oh yeah. I did just talk about that, didn't I? 

Jason: I think you called me Hood at some point as well. But no, we just started talking, no introductions. It's- we're training the new generation to be detectives so that one of them can steal World's Greatest Detective from Batman. 

Tim: I feel like I've done that, I'll not lie. 

Jason: Hm, I don't know. You did admit that one of the most genuis acts you've ever done was a mental breakdown. 

Tim: Mental Breakdowns are like telescopes or-what are the ones in labs called? Stethoscope? 

Jason: No, those are the heart beat listening things. Are you talking about a microscope? 

Tim: Yeah! Those. Mental Breakdowns are like microscopes, they just fine tune the genuis. 

Jason: You a hundred percent could have become a super villian if you were never Robin. Can you imagine if Batman reacted like Bob from 'The Incredibles'? He was like, no I work alone, go away. And you become that red-headed kid. What was his name? 

Tim: I started with an 'S', I think. 'Cause that was on his suit. I remember the joke where he said he was the baby-sitter and he said he would have put 'BS' on the suit if he didn't think it would have been recieved badly or something. 

Jason: Was it 'Spoiler'? No way was it Spoiler. 

Tim: Let me google it. 

[pause]

Tim: It was not Spoiler, woah okay. I thought it was for a second. We were right about the 's' though, it was Syndrome. That's a stupid name. Why did he pick that? Hold on, I'm reading his wiki-page. He was twenty five? No way. Oh, he was ten in the beginning. 

Jason: Yeah, he was like a kid in the start. And it makes sense he'd be late into his twenties like that, I mean, wasn't Violet like fourteen? Man, they started baby making IMMEDIATLY. 

Tim: Yeah but, who wouldn't? They were both fine, lowkey wanted to bang the mom when I was younger. 

Jason: HA! 

[slams table]

Jason: I was always so focused on how the speedy kid pissed me off. He's was such a nuisance, I hated him. 

Tim: He kept that grudge for a while, my god. Fifteen years? Man took that personally. 

Jason: Yeah, I mean, so would I. I'm a petty person. The bag full of heads I threw at people would attest to that. Homeboy knew what he had to do. 

[chuckles]

Tim: I never thought I'd hear you say 'homeboy' but I guess you are from the streets. 

Jason: Yeah. I'm hungry. 

Tim: I know. But I don't have any food. 

Jason: I think I might go. 

Tim: Are you going to come back?

[laughter]

Jason: Yeah, I'll go get food and come back. I think we're done for now. 

Tim: Wait, what should we call this thing? 

Jason: It's got to have a bat pun in it. It's got to. It's... we-yeah. Bat pun. 

Tim: The Bat Chronicals? 

Jason: What part of 'pun' went over your head? 

Tim: Every part. Okay. What about The Bats, like the Kardashians? We're like Gotham's version of the Kardashians. 

Jason: That's true. That's boring though. Be smart. 

Tim: Okay. Time to be smart. 

[humming]

Tim: Right! Batalistic Banter? 

Jason: That's good! Your brain was used for that one. 

Tim: I gained a wrinkle thinking of it. 

Jason: I saw. Heh. I was thinking Bat-tling Boredom. 

Tim: How would you spell that? 

Jason: With like a hyphen in the middle of battling. Like 'Bat', hyphen, 'tling'. Bat pun and also a clever podcast name. 

Tim: Yeah, alright we'll go with that. Maybe next time we'll have Nightwing. We're only doing this right now because we got benched but this would be fun to do again.

Jason: It would actually, this is kinda cool. Also, we have a lot of free time during the day. 

Tim: Speak for yourself, I have a job. Not all of us are paid killers. 

Jason: I don't just kill! Sometimes I maim and/or dismember. One time I got paid to just sit in a house and wait for someone to get home and give them an envelope. 

Tim: That's so funny. 

Jason: Yeah. It was weird. 

Tim: Oh yeah, so I'm Red Robin and he's Red Hood. Please don't call both of us Red, I am Red, he is Hood. Those are the rules. And we're done now. 

Jason: Yeah, bye. Can we get Thai food? 

Tim: No, I'm allergic to-

Chapter Text

bend me over

@nightwing

answer my messages you tit @redhood

4:23am • December 12th, 2019 • Twitter for iPhone

23k replies   17k retweets    122k likes

bend me over 

@nightwing retweeted

what is this??

 “@nightwingsbutt : Yooooo why is Bat-tling Boredom so fucking funny? @redhood and @redrobin pls explain, were you high or doing crack???”

4:45am • December 12th, 2019 • Twitter for iPhone

45k replies   28k retweets   287k likes 

bend me over

@nightwing

i’m so telling dad about this @redhood @redrobin

5:36am • December 12th, 2019 • Twitter for iPhone

109k replies   73k retweets   134k likes

the remix

@onetrueRobin

@redhood @redrobin you are in a lot of trouble with Batman.

17:03pm • December 12th, 2019 • Twitter for iPhone

57k replies   87k retweets   437k likes 

suckmytits

@alicehood

alright which one of you bastards let Nightwing know about Bat-tling Boredom?  Red Hood and Red Robin literally said they didn’t want him to know. Now they’re in trouble! 

17:25pm • December 12th, 2019 • Twitter for iPhone

7k replies   12k retweets   19k likes

the butts match

@nightwingsbutt

my bad y’all @redhood @redrobin

17:56pm • December 12th, 2019 • Twitter for iPhone

10k replies   15k retweets   26k likes

Bat-tling Boredom

Various capes doing a podcast, hear Gotham's favourites talk about absolute shit for an undetermined amount of time. (we were high when we started this - Red Hood, Red Robin xxx)(i’m gonna kill you guys the next time you smoke - Nightwing xoxo)

blue or black pens

Tim: Um. Hi. 

Jason: This got very popular, very quickly. 

Dick: If you didn’t want it to be famous, you should have done it as your secret identities. I mean, you started a podcast while high—also we will talk about that more—and told them that you were Red Robin and Red Hood. You asked for it. 

Tim: Don’t say that! You’re never asking for it, Nightwing. 

Dick: Are you ser—okay. Fine. I’m sorry, you were just doing a silly thing that became popular. 

Damian: Although, for the most part, it was just you two fools “talking shit”, as you said. Nothing interesting was even spoken of. 

Dick: Language, Rob. 

Jason: Okay smartass, what do you want to talk about? 

Damian: Why is it Red refuses to write in black. 

[pause]

Jason: What? 

Damian: Yes. Whenever we must do physical copies of notes, or when he assists me with my homework, Red Robin does not do it until he’s got a blue pen in his hand. 

Jason: Are you serious? 

Tim: Black pens are the work of the devil. 

Jason: No. 

Tim: Yes. 

Jason: No. 

Dick: I also agree with Red. Sorry guys, black pens are just ugly. 

Damian: You’re opinion is irrelevant. 

Jason: Woah, where’d that come from? You’re normally up Nightwing’s ass, you, like, love him or some shit. 

Dick: We talked about you not cursing around Robin. 

Jason: You talked, I pretended to listen. 

Damian: Yesterday, Nightwing handed in a report about a case in pink ink. 

[pause] 

Tim: What. 

Jason: What. 

Dick: It was the only pen I had on me! 

Jason: And you have the audacity to say that black pens are ugly? What’s the matter with you? 

Dick: Do you want a true answer or the one I tell Batman? 

Tim: Uh, thank you, Nightwing? I’m uncertain what I should say to that. Anyway, a pink pen? 

Dick: I was doing… something with children and they all wanted to write in like pink or purple or green, those silly colours, so I went out and bought those bic pens. You know, the four ones? With the ugly ass colours? Anyway, so they were all I had on me. 

Tim: And you went with pink? 

Dick: Okay, if I’m on your side with the blue-black pen thing, then you’re on my side with this.

Tim: No, I am. But also those ones have a blue ink pen in it… so… why didn’t you use it? 

Damian: Batman also believes that black pen is best. He does not read reports, sans Red Robins, unless they are in black. 

Tim: Aye, he lets me do it anyway? Nice, it’s ‘cause he knows I’d never write in black. He knows who’s boss. 

Jason: No, he knows you’re a feral rat. 

[laughter] 

Tim: Says the guy who tried to kill me the first time we met, no hesitation. 

Jason: Let it go. 

Tim: Never. You know, Batman never even asked if I was okay after you came back. He was like ‘yeah lol, Hood’s gonna live with us for a bit’. I kinda sat there and went ‘I have a panic attack at the sight of anything red, but okay’. 

Jason: Does B ever ask if we’re okay? Like obviously when we’re hurt but—I don’t think he does. 

Dick: He used to. When I was younger, like, when I was Robin. 

Tim: Does he ask you, Rob? 

Damian: At times, he’ll inquire if I’m tired but. Not typically. 

Jason: Man, that’s so shit. Like, bro, we’re your kids. Ask if we’re okay. Does he still ask you, Nightwing? 

Dick: No. I mean, sometimes but I can tell he doesn’t really want to know. That’s why all I say is “I’m fine” ‘cause I know he really doesn’t want to know and is only asking out of obligation. 

Damian: We will speak on that more later, Nightwing. None of you are allowed to perish without my permission. 

Jason: Why do you think he’s dying?! 

Damian: Bottled emotions lead to suicidal ideation and actions fairly quickly, Hood. I’m in the business of persevering our family line.

Tim: Was that Robin’s way of accepting us into the family?

Jason: I think so, Baby Bird.

Tim: ‘Cause, for those of you at home, he’s the—

[at the same time] 

Tim: Blood son.

Jason: Blood son.

Dick: Blood son.

Damian: You are all nothing but pretenders. 

Dick: Even me? 

[pause] 

Damian: No. 

Dick: That is the closest to an ‘I love you’ that I’ll ever get. 

Jason: I think that should could as an ‘I love you’, honestly. 

Tim: Has Robin ever actually said the words ‘I love you’?

Dick: You’re making it sound like he’s a robot or something. Of course he has, don’t be mean. 

Tim: I’m not being mean!

Jason: Eh, you kinda are. 

Tim: Man, you’re supposed to be on my side? 

Jason: Did you just call me ‘man’?! 

Tim: Yeah. 

Jason: Don’t. 

Damian: Why not? What would you do… man? 

[pause]

Tim: Is this what bonding feels like? *chuckles*

Dick: I know it was a joke made at your expense Red, but I’m incredibly proud. 

Jason: Keep an eye out on your shampoo, bitch. 

Damian: Or what, man? 

Jason: I will lean across this table and throttle you. 

Damian: Do it. Man. 

Tim: Robin, access to the Nest has been given back to you. I know you’re in it right now, but you are free to come back without Nightwing to invite you in. 

Jason: Robin’s access was revoked? 

Tim: Yes, because he poisoned all of my coffee. 

Jason: That was… months ago? I—was that not last year? 

Tim: Yeah. And? 

Damian: It has been terribly inconvenient. Whenever I require Red Robin, I must go through the channel of Oracle or Nightwing. 

Dick: Moving on, Robin hasn’t tried to kill anyone in a long time! Be proud! 

Jason: No? Neither have I? 

Tim: Yeah, but you’re a grown up. Robin’s a kid. 

Damian: Say that to my face. 

Tim: I just did. 

Damian: Do it again. 

Tim: No. But I am proud of you.

Damian:… thank you.

Jason: Nightwing, can I ask how you found this? 

Dick: I saw a tweet about it while bored on patrol. Um, Jesus I can’t remember who it was but they had a username about my butt, and they were talking about how Red Hood and Red Robin apparently get high together and made a podcast one time. Didn’t realise how recent it was. 

Dick: I never meant to call you a tit, by the way. I meant to call you a twit. You know, like bird brained. 

Jason: You think you’re so funny, don’t you? 

Tim: That is kinda funny. 

Damian: I agree. For once. 

Dick: Also, weed? Seriously? Are you kidding me? Hood, you literally hate drugs. You’ve actually killed people for selling drugs and then you go buy some. Criminals, know you’re boss is a hypocrite. 

Jason: Does it really count as a drug? Like really? You can buy it legally. Literally bought it at the same time as my cheese. No, that was a lie. 

[laughter] 

Damian: Why did you immediately admit to lying?

Jason: I make my cheese, I don’t buy it. 

Tim: He does! 

Jason: So yeah, I actually bought it when we were getting—what were we getting? 

Tim: Chocolate. We were watching tv and I was like ‘man, I want some chocolate’. And you were like, ‘alright’. And you went into the shop, I stayed in the car and when you came back, you just had it and you were like ‘you smoke?’. 

[laughter] 

Tim: And I was like ‘yeah!’. Then we came home. At least we did it at home. 

Dick: I guess. Still. It’s a drug! 

Jason: What are you, a narc? 

[pause] 

Dick:… No. I am fun and cool. Sorry, I just don’t do drugs. 

Damian: You’re making it sound as if they did heroin. It was simply some weed, I’m sure it was all fun. 

[lengthy pause] 

Damian: What? I defend you and you go silent. Tt, this is why I did not want to be here. 

Dick: Robin. 

Damian: Yes? 

Dick: Have you ever done weed before? 

Jason: ‘Done weed’. This guy, he says he’s cool and yet. 

Damian: Don’t be ridiculous. You’d never know. 

[laughter] 

Dick: What we’re you guys even doing together? 

Jason:… weed. 

Tim: Yeah, that’s it. Just weed. 

Damian: You said you were watching tv. 

Tim: I don’t remember that. 

Dick: What were you watching? 

Jason: Nothing. 

Dick: What’s even on at that time? 

Jason: Nothing. Hence the fact we were not watching anything. Just… sitting. Here. In silence. In the dark, with nothing on. 

Damian: Perhaps it was a recording?

Dick: Yeah, the tv’s right over there.

Jason: I’m telling you, we weren’t—nothing! No tv! Red just bought that!

Dick: Go, Robin!

Tim: No, I swear! We weren’t watching tv! We were—um—ah! WATCHING PORN! 

Dick: You did not just buy that tv and don’t say that, it’s weird. 

Tim: Yeah, you’re right, sorry. Still, you’re not allowed see my tv. DROP THE REMOTE PAL! 

Jason: WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT!?

Dick: Robin, check the tv or I’m gonna have a fit!

Tim: I’M PANICKING! ROBIN, PLEASE!

Jason: SO, YOU IMPLY WE WERE WATCHING PORN?! TOGETHER?!

Damian: *faintly* Huh.

Dick: What? What is it? Please, Lord, tell me they were watching something normal and not porn! Like, seriously Red? 

Damian: *faintly* It’s ‘Love Island’.

Dick: That’s not bad! HOW WERE YOU PANICKING ABOUT LOVE ISLAND SO MUCH YOU SAID YOU WERE WATCHING PORN WITH HOOD!

Tim: I’m sorry okay! In all fairness, I tried to watch ‘Love Island’ with this guy ages ago but all we did was have sex. Tomato-tomato! 

Jason: Really? You—with other people? 

Tim: Yeah, not anymore. It was a weird phase. It was when I first started going with guys, and they were… kinda weird p, to be honest. One guy watched it on the tv without me and um, you know. On my couch, in my sitting room. Like man, at least wait for me to get home! 

Jason: The couch that I sat on? 

Tim: No, the other one. 

[pause] 

Tim: That definitely sounded like sarcasm, didn’t it? No, I’m being serious. I had to get rid of it because I had too many blood stains on it for it to be nice anymore. 

Damian: With the way you two fools were acting, I’d have assumed you were doing heroin. 

Jason: What? I’d never do that. 

Damian:… I know. I’m sorry, I haven’t thought about how saying that would feel for you. 

Jason: No, no it’s—it’s okay, Baby Bat. I know you don’t mean it like that. I’m not upset about that, swear. 

Damian: You promise? 

Jason: I promise. *whispers* pinky. 

Dick: Honestly, I thought I’d be the first one to make a porn joke but Red took that away from me. 

Jason: I can’t swear around Robin, but you guys can mention porn? 

Tim: Yup. 

Jason: Why? 

Tim: You tried to kill me. 

Jason: Wha—…No. I—goodbye. 

[Jason leaves] 

Tim: That’s this over, I guess. 

Dick: Do we really need him to keep going? 

Tim: I need him to bounce off, you get too concerned and Robin get’s too literal, he just kinda snaps back, you know? *Tim snaps his fingers twice*

Dick: Understandable. 

Tim: Bye. 

Damian: Goodbye? 

Dick: See you later, sluts. 

Chapter Text

BRUCE WAYNES WIFE 

@gorgeousgirl

@redhood might lowkey be a hypocrite but also my guy is fucking hilarious so he get’s a pass, gonna go do some hash now tho

Dead Boy Walking

@redhood retweeted

GIRL??? I am not a role model, I thought the Podcast would make that clear but ig not also be safe, give me a shout if it feels bad 

“@redhood might lowkey be a hypocrite but also my guy is fucking hilarious so he get’s a pass, gonna go do some hash now tho” 

16:57pm • 2nd January, 2020 • Twitter for iPhone

769k replies   587k retweets   897k likes

Dead Boy Walking

@redhood

@redrobin @nightwing @onetrueRobin (i hate your username) tonight or tmr? I’m kinda busy boys

17:26pm • 2nd January, 2020 • Twitter for iPhone

236k replies   286k retweets   487k likes

bend me over

@nightwing retweeted

I have to help the Father tonight so tomorrow? 

“@redhood ; @redrobin @nightwing @onetrueRobin (i hate your username) tonight or tmr? I’m kinda busy boys”

18:47pm • 2nd January, 2020 • Twitter for iPhone

378k replies   456k retweets   657k likes

the smart one

@redrobin

y’all out here making my life that much more difficult @nightwing @redhood @onetrueRobin

19:36pm • 2nd January, 2020 • Twitter for iPhone

873k replies   237k retweets   298k likes 

Batgirl superiority 

@debrabyrnes

which one is you’re favourite guys??? Mine personally is @redrobin my guy is STRUGGLING

20:02pm • 2nd December, 2020 • Twitter for iPhone

12k replies   16k retweets   17k likes 

Evil Queen

@queenie retweeted

Nightwing. He’s clearly the oldest and therefore the most exhausted aka me

”@debrabyrnes ; which one is you’re favourite guys??? Mine personally is @redrobin my guy is STRUGGLING “ 

20:16pm • 2nd January, 2020 • Twitter for iPhone 

176 replies   875 retweets   281 likes 

Heroes of Tomorrow

@titansofficial retweeted

@nightwing ???? What the hell is going on??? 

“@nightwingsbutt : Yooooo why is Bat-tling Boredom so fucking funny? @redhood and @redrobin pls explain, were you high or doing crack???”

22:17pm • 2nd January, 2020 • Twitter for desktop 

926k replies    673k retweets   829k likes

Bat-tling Boredom

Various capes doing a podcast, hear Gotham's favourites talk about absolute shit for an undetermined amount of time. (we were high when we started this - Red Hood, Red Robin xxx)

gritty goobers

Dick: We had a bit of a struggle getting us all here.

Tim: We did. I struggled the most, I feel. Because I have to prepare food and stuff for when you guys come over but I’m not gonna go out and buy it until I’m sure you’re coming over.

Damian: You should have food anyway? 

Tim: No, I do. I swear I do! Don’t look at me like that Hood, I have food. 

[chair scrapes] 

Tim: No, come back, come on. 

Dick: *chuckle* Hood—don’t do Red like this. 

Jason: *faintly* Noodles, some mouldy oranges, and a carton of gone off milk. It’s practically cheese. 

Dick: Okay, that’s bad. 

Tim: I need to go grocery shopping, okay?! 

Damian: It’s at times like these when I loathe the fact we are family. 

Tim: I’m choosing to pick that sentence apart and only listen to the fact Rob called me his family. 

Jason: Right, I’m back and I ordered you some fucking food, and we all do that. 

Dick: What did you get? 

Jason: I ordered food, like dinner, but also expect a delivery from Whole Foods tomorrow. It’s Chinese, by the way. 

Tim: Did you get me— 

Jason: Yeah. 

Dick: How much time do you guys spend together? 

Damian: For a man who’s supposedly tried to kill Red Robin, you do spend a lot of time together. 

Tim: Did you just say ‘supposedly’? I literally have the scars to prove it. Look at my neck, bro! 

Damian: Don’t call me bro or I’ll rip you’re eyeballs out of you’re skull. 

Dick: Stop threatening people otherwise I’ll show you the presentation again. 

Damian: Wha—which one? 

Dick: ‘Be nice to family because at the end of the day, they’re all you have’. 

Damian: NO! 

Jason: I want to see it, honestly. How long is it? 

Damian: You do not want to see it. It is fifty three slides long. There are also videos. 

Tim: Man, you put time into that. 

Dick: Well, originally it was for Batman. And you know he needs at least forty slides and three videos. 

Tim: You made it for BATMAN? 

Dick: Yeah, he needed it. It was in that weird vague area when we weren’t fighting but I still hadn’t moved home after you became Robin and Hood died. That was a tough time. 

Tim: It really was, Rob you weren’t there and neither were you Hood—just realised, it really just was me and you. 

Jason: I mean, I was dead? And Robin was… *whispers* six? Eight? 

Damian: It is none of you’re business, heathen. 

Jason: Okay. Bitch. 

Dick: I’m going to ignore that and say, yes, it was just us against Batman and his issues. He was so weird then, I don’t know. 

Jason: I still think he’s kinda weird. 

Tim: He was like super, mega weird then. 

Dick: His kid just died! 

Tim: We should stop talking about this. 

Jason: Yes, please! 

Damian: I’ve never understood why you people constantly bring up Hood’s death. He is right here. 

Dick: Well, yeah, but for a long time we thought he was dead. 

Tim: I was sorta happy when you came back but then you slit my throat. 

Jason: I was having a tough time. 

Tim: That’s okay, you’ve apologised a lot. 

Dick: You have? 

Jason: Yeah! What, you think Red would let me in here if I hadn’t? 

Dick: I mean, Red doesn’t really like talking about his feelings. 

Tim: Who does? 

Jason: Not us. 

Dick: I do! 

Damian: We know, Nightwing. 

Dick: I love you guys. 

Damian: We know, Nightwing. 

Jason: We love you too. 

[pause] 

Dick: Hood! How dare you say that here where I can’t fully tell you how much I love you! 

Jason: That was the point. 

Tim: You can call us the nicknames you call us, you don’t do that in public. Also, Hood’s called us ‘baby bird’ and ‘baby bat’ already. 

Jason: Why are you doing this to me? 

Dick: Because, little wing, we love you. 

Jason: Gag! I hate you, I take it back. 

Tim: You can’t! You said it and we’ve got it literally recorded. Soon, all of Gotham will know you’re love for us! 

Damian: What are you Red Robin, a supervillain? Why did you phrase it like that! 

Tim: Be quiet. 

Damian: I can—oh. Father is texting me. 

Dick: What?! What’s he saying? Why is he just texting you? 

Jason: Why are you so panicked? So what, Robin’s the guys kid, of course he’s going to text him at… ten past ten at night. He’s probably wondering where he is. 

Damian: Nightwing is panicking because he did not tell Father I was leaving nor the fact it was him who I was going with. Also, I did not attend school today and am therefore grounded, according to Father. 

Tim: Why didn’t you go to school? 

Damian: I got stabbed last night? 

Jason: HO WHAT? 

Dick: He did, I was so stressed out. We were dealing with some guys and then all I hear is Robin grunt and another guy go ‘Fuck man, you just stabbed Robin!’ and—it’s like I blacked out. *chuckles* I don’t remember what happened except I was in the cave afterwards getting my knuckles wrapped. 

Damian: The fool broke his knuckles in his right hand over a mere stab wound. It’s barely a graze! 

Jason: If Nightwing literally broke his fucking hand over it, I doubt that. Can I see it? 

Damian: I have to take a picture for Father, so okay. Would you take the picture? 

Jason: Sure, give me your phone. 

Dick: While that’s going on, anyone else remember when goons were afraid to hurt Robin? Especially when you became Robin, Red, they stayed away from you like you were diseased! 

Tim: I know! I would show up and be all boy wonder-ish and they’d be like ‘SCATTER!’ 

[laughter] 

Tim: As if the mere sight of them around me would cause Batman to go bat-shit crazy. 

Dick: I don’t know, last night I flew off the handle. 

Tim: That could be residue though from when you were Batman, from when, like, Robin was you’re direct partner, now he’s just someone that you patrol with sometimes. Of course that doesn’t include how much time you spend together as, you know, you but that could be a part of it. Batman has a sixth sense for Robin, I doubt that’s gone away yet. 

Dick: Honestly, it probably won’t. 

Jason: Lord, that’s not a stab wound, that’s a gaping hole in your stomach. 

Tim: Hold that thought for a sec ‘Wing, we’ll come back to that—it’s not like a side wound? It’s in Rob’s like stomach? Are you serious? Let me see. 

[pause] 

Tim: What the fuck, Robin? Go home! You shouldn’t be up right now. No, get onto my couch, lie down. 

Damian: I will not! I have taken my medication and am, technically, resting. See this slouch? This is me resting. 

Tim: I swear to god, if you try and leave tonight, I will drug you. I have roofies. 

Jason: WHY do you have roofies? 

Tim: As a part of a case, I need to drug this guy so I can go through his phone. It’s that or have sex with him so. Picking a… lesser evil, in my opinion. Also, would like to clarify, he’s a rapist. 

Jason: Fair. Moving back to Nightwings feeling on Robin, cause I think that’s interesting. 

Tim: So do I, and maybe it’s just ‘cause we never acted as Batman and only…hmm… only saw the Robin side, if that makes sense? 

Dick: Being Batman, and having a partner—and that’s an important distinction, for me, because Rob, you never, like, served under me, you weren’t a side kick, you did as much as I did. But having a partner that you’re hyper-aware of who is young, significantly so, you are more fine attuned to them than I would have been if it was Hood beside me or Black Bat. 

Tim: No, yeah, that makes sense. I guess also because with Batman gone, and you being the oldest, a lot of responsibility fell on you. Robin, specifically. I know I didn’t make it any easier. 

Jason: I definitely didn’t. 

Dick: So, now that I don’t work with Robin as much anymore, and I’ve gone back to being Nightwing, something I’m so much more comfortable with by the way, it really hasn’t gone away. But I—I always had this thing where I’m hyper-aware of you guys. 

Tim: What do you mean? 

Dick: Well, I’m very aware of the fact there weren’t a lot, there were a few like Arsenal now—Speedy then, of kids slash teenagers who were vigilante's. There was Green Arrow, Batman, the Flash, but these guys were grown. And when I became Robin, and I was introduced to the superhero community, it did cause this thing where teenagers would see me and go ‘okay, i can do something as well, look at Robin’. 

Dick: And the fact that you were all quiet young when the mantle of Robin was passed down, no matter how old you are now—like it’s been nearly a decade since Hood took it, but I have this, like, sense of obligation to you guys to make sure you’re okay and stuff. 

Jason: That’s interesting. I never knew that you felt so responsible for us. 

Dick: Well, it’s you and Red mostly. Like, I feel very responsible for Robin obviously, he’s my baby, you know? But what happened to you, and then how I treated Red because of it. Now, I feel like I was suffocating Red, and I was because I was afraid for him and I felt extremely responsible for him. 

Tim: You did sort of suffocate me, but we all know my past, so it’s not that I didn’t mind, but it was just—I’m going to go with nice, for lack of a better word. 

Jason: What I don’t understand is why you felt so responsible for me, we weren’t very close. I always got the impression you didn’t like me until towards the end. You weren’t there when it happened, you couldn’t have done anything. 

Dick: I know that but I don’t know. I think it’s ‘cause I’m the eldest, in a way I am responsible for you guys. Something happens and dad turns to me for help. 

Tim: Hm. But Hood’s right, you weren’t there. 

Damian: Perhaps that you’re problem with it, you were not there and couldn’t have helped. But you feel as though you should have been. 

Dick: What do you mean? 

Damian: Do you feel so responsible for Hood’s death as a child because you were not there, physically or emotionally, before he passed? 

[pause] 

Dick: Maybe, I don’t know, I just—… I’ve always felt really bad that I wasn’t there for you so much, to the point that you found something you didn’t want dad to know, but you always felt like you couldn’t tell me. And, before that, everyone was always telling me that I must be so happy or, like, amused when you come and tell me something and then go ‘but don’t tell dad’. 

Jason: But it’s okay that you weren’t there. Actually, can we—? Can we go talk over there? I really don’t feel like calling you Nightwing for this. 

Tim: Do you want us to stop? 

Dick: No, we should only be a few seconds. Sorry, guys. 

Damian: Don’t be silly, if you’re always there for us, it stands to reason we should be there for you. 

Jason: Swear, we’ll be right back. 

[chair scrapes] 

Tim: Jesus. Episode three, and we’re chin deep in emotions. 

Damian: It’s revolting. Let’s speak of something more casual. 

Tim: You want to know something? 

Damian: Is it interesting? 

Tim: Yes. 

Damian: Let me ask again; will I find it interesting? 

Tim:… yes. 

Damian: Why did you hesitate? 

Tim: Because you might not and I needed to think it over. 

Damian: Alright. Go. 

Tim: Okay, so you know how Hood and I spend time together around once a week? 

Damian: No, but continue. 

Tim: Right, well, we do. And the night before last, so January second, like the day after New Years, we were patrolling and we find these guys who are absolutely smashed, like I’m surprised these people are still standing. And we’re standing on a rooftop, looking into alley ways and stuff, and then one of them comes over and goes ‘oi! Could you get down here for a second, please?’ 

Tim: And I’m thinking, these people asked kind of nicely, so I’ll go down and see what’s going on. You know, it’s not unusual for people to flag us when they see drugs going to kids or something like that, so I go down and am all like, what’s up, what’s going on? And the guy who called me down asks, verbatim, ‘which would you prefer to do? Heroin or Coke?’ 

Damian: Wha—What? 

Tim: Yeah! And in one ear, I can hear Hood laughing at me, and in the other I can hear the guys friends start to scream abuse at him for asking me, obviously he’s not a native, and about how I’ll take it off them. But my head has absolutely blue screened. I am shocked. Flabbergasted. Appalled. 

Damian: I’m confused, why was he asking you? Does he not know—

Tim: No! That’s the thing, I don’t think about half of these guys were from Gotham and again, they were shit-faced. I don’t think they had stopped drinking from December thirty-first to January second. That’s about two days of drinking, if not three. Depends on when they started. Once my brain starts working again, it goes into overdrive. I’m like, ‘can I see it?’ 

Damian: Did you take it off them? 

Tim: Yes, but here’s the part where you’re going to find enjoyment. So this whole time Hood’s just watching this interaction, twiddling his thumbs or something stupid like that, and guys friends comes over and tries to take the coke—it was cocaine by the way but the first guy wanted to do heroin—off me, and I hit him. Obviously. What I’m not expecting is for this guy to take the hit, spin in a fucking circle, and then smack me as he falls. 

[pause] 

Damian: *chocked* What do you mean? 

Tim: I hate when you get all smirky. But what happened was, I hit him and when it impacted, he was so drunk that he spun in a full circle and one of his stupid flailing hands smacked me right across the face. What was annoying about this is that he was wearing about a million rings and thats why— 

Damian: That’s why you’ve got a cut on you’re lip and your cheek?! 

Tim: Yup. Because a very drunk man smacked me. 

[pause] 

Tim: It’s okay, you can laugh. 

[Damian laughs] 

Damian: The mighty Red Robin taken down my one drunk imbecile! 

Tim: Worst part? Hood got a video. 

Jason: I got a video of what? 

Dick: Also, hello! Chinese arrived while we were out, by the way. 

Tim: Yum! And that guy smacking me the other day. 

Jason: Oh! Ha! That was funny, it’s such a good view from where I was standing. 

Tim: You mean where you were doing absolutely nothing while I was dealing with a drug problem? 

[in the background, clearly away from a mic] 

Damian: Are you alright? 

Dick: Yes, thank you. 

Damian: Are you positive? You and Hood were away for a while. 

Dick: Yes, I’m sure. I just cried a bit and we hugged and talked for a while. It needed to happen, you know? 

Damian: Yes. I… I appreciate you a great deal, baba. 

Dick: I love you too. 

[normally] 

Jason: Okay! I do not appreciate the tone you are giving me when I just bought you Chinese! 

Tim: You know what I don’t appreciate! 

Jason: Don’t you dare say it or so help me god—

Tim: I don’t appreciate that you tried to kill me. Multiple times. 

Jason: LET IT GO! 

Tim: Great impression of Elsa! No! 

Jason: Lord, I’m tired of listening to you speak. 

Tim: So leave. 

Dick: Woah, what’s going on? 

Tim: Nothing, we’re just chatting. You okay? 

Dick: Yeah… you just told him to leave? 

Jason: I’m not actually going to though, after this Red and I are starting a new tv show. 

Tim: Yeah, Hood’s sleeping on my couch tonight. He brought wine. 

Dick: You drink wine? 

Damian: Of course he does, it’s the only alcohol worth drinking. 

Tim: I am a personal lover of tequila even if it’s not a lover of me. 

Dick: Robin? What do you know about drink? 

Jason: I know you didn’t just ask the teenager that. 

Dick: I did because I will kill him if it’s even touched his lips. 

Jason: You clearly have never met his mother. 

Tim: *whispers* Not in the way you have. 

Jason: Now, why would you say that. 

Dick: What? 

Jason: Nothing. 

Dick: Okay, you’re being weird. 

Jason: Sorry, started my period. 

Dick: Oh, okay. 

[pause] 

Tim: Moving on, um, can we go back to the part where I made Robin laugh? I’ve achieved something great. It was, like, a full belly laugh. 

Dick: It was! Good job, those are very rare. 

Jason: I’m a little jealous but only because I’ve known him longer than you guys. 

Tim: You have? 

Jason: What part of I trained with his family after I came back never sinks in with you guys? 

Dick: Well, I didn’t think they’d let you near the Prince baby.

Jason: They didn’t. 

Dick: So how did you guys meet and, like, chat? 

Jason: We just did. I met him. He met me. We talked. 

Tim: Ominous. I like it. Who knows who’s listening. 

Dick: I don’t like it, I like knowing things.

Jason: You know what I like? Silence.

Dick: ‘Fraid, I can’t do that. I am a speaker. I be speaking. 

Tim: ‘I be speaking’ HA! It’s true, you do be speaking. 

Damian: No thoughts, only words.

Jason: Who taught you that?! 

Tim: I did! Yes Robin, that was wonderful! Good job! Another achievement for both me and the baby! 

Damian: I enjoy achieving things. 

Tim: So do I. 

Jason: I don’t like when you guys work together. 

Dick: I do, it’s very nice. 

Jason: No, I feel like I’m having an aneurysm whenever it happens.

Damian: Not that I don’t appreciate the thought of Hood dying, I am very hungry and tired. Also, Father keeps calling me and I am worried he will resort to calling Nightwing eventually. 

Tim: Yes, he will, and I am also hungry. 

Jason: Man, we’re great at starting episodes but we suck at ending them. 

Tim: Speak for yourself, I’m an amazing finisher. 

Dick: And that’s where we say goodbye, see you later, sluts. 

Jason: Yeah, bye. 

Damian: Why do I have to do this? 

Tim: Just do it. 

Damian: No. 

Tim: Come on or I won’t feed you. 

Damian: Hood bought the food. 

Tim: Just do it! 

Damian: I will not fall to you pressure! 

Tim: I will kill you if you don’t— 

Jason: Christ on a cracker, goodbye! 

Chapter Text

bend me over

@nigthwing  retweeted

i swear ill explain please just give me the chance guys answer your phones and ill explain swear 

'@titansofficial ; @nightwing ???? What the hell is going on???'

02:48pm • 4th January, 2020 • Twitter for iPhone

187k retweets   482k replies   827k likes 

isabella your boyfriends here!

@isabellagurrera

why does @nightwing sound like a bf whos cheated trying to explain to his gf whats going on in his newest tweet?

02:59pm • 4th January, 2020 • Twitter for iPhone 

837 retweets   917 replies   3k likes 

isabella your boyfriends here! 

@isabellagurrera

@titansofficial come get your man 

03:01pm • 4th January, 2020 • Twitter for iPhone

394 retweets   821 replies   4k likes 

BRETT BREAD

@getthatbread

the new episode. yall. so much to talk about @redrobin WHY DO YOU ONLY HAVE THREE THINGS IN YOUR HOUSE????? FEED YOURSELF PLEASE

16:20pm • 8th January, 2020 • Twitter for iPhone

192 replies   829 retweets   1k likes

Bronte 

@wastingtimewhatsup

a thread

(p1) why is no1 talking about how robin called nightwing 'baba'? we know he's arabic we know that he's lived in a different country

14:22pm • 12th January, 2020 • Twitter for iPhone

10k retweets   2k replies   7k likes

Bronte

@wastingtimewhatsup

(p2) we know that hes stayed with Nightwing for up to a year before but we all thought they were like brothers. YALL. My bf is arabic n he said it means 'dad'

14:22pm • 12th January, 2020 • Twitter for iPhone

12k retweets   4k replies   8k likes

Bronte 

@wastingtimewhatsup

(p3) IM GONNA KMS I LOVE THEM ROBIN LITERALLY CALLED NIGHTWING HIS DAD SOBBING

14:23pm • 12th January, 2020 • Twitter for iPhone

14k retweets   13k replies   17k likes 

kendra kys

@everythingisfineig  retweeted

people be out here like 'robin didn't mean it like that' or 'nightwing said he's his brother' KYS NIGHTWING SAID HE WAS HIS BABY THERES A DIFFERENCE

"@wastingtimewhatsup ; (p2) we know that hes stayed with Nightwing for up to a year before but we all thought they were like brothers. YALL. my bf is arabic n he said it means dad" 

10:12am • 13th January, 2020 • Twitter for iPhone

12k replies   10k retweets   28k likes

bend me over 

@nightwing

just got told to die before an attempted stab went on. not fun. 0/10 would not recommend. time to go break some bitches bones 

22:23pm • 13th January, 2020 • Twitter for iPhone

435k replies   298k retweets   928k likes 

Dead Boy Walking

@redhood

@nightwing i am going to get you a shirt that says time to go break some bitches bones for christmas

23:19pm • 13th January, 2020 • Twitter for iPhone

872k replies    160k retweets   947k likes 

Bat-tling Boredom

Various capes doing a podcast, hear Gotham's favourites talk about absolute shit for an undetermined amount of time. Now with special guest episodes because that's somethign we'll do apparently! (we were high when we started this - Red Hood, Red Robin xxx) (i did not agree to the special guest in question - nightwing)

Beast Boy? More like Beast Baby! 

Dick: I swear to God, if you embarrass me—

Tim: You'd swear we were heathens or something. 

Dick: You are! Please keep in mind that Beast Boy is one of my oldest friends. 

Garfield: I am? Nice! You're one of my oldest friends Nightwing. I knew the bastard back when he was Robin. 

Jason: That is a while ago. 

Dick: Okay, let's not make Nightwing feel old right now. He's fragile enough as is. 

Damian: Yes, Nightwing is fragile.

[pause]

Damian: He ran out of cereal this morning. 

Jason: I knew something was wrong! Wait—you just got more cereal? 

Dick: I am a growing boy. 

Jason: You are a fully grown man. 

Tim: Don't speak to the baby like that. 

Dick: 'the baby'?! What? I am no baby. 

Garfield: Bro, you are a baby. But we love you anyway. Even though Raven was lowkey offended you started this without telling us. 

Dick: We only text a few times a week! 

Garfield: You saw us at New Years! 

Jason: You did? 

Dick: Yeah, I went up for a few days just to say hi and stuff. 

Jason: Did we know this? 

Damian: I did. I went with him. 

Tim: I was wondering why Beast Boy didn't bat an eye at the sight of a Robin decked out with a fucking sword when he walked in and you were still in the suit. 

Garfield: I am a personal lover of the sword, to be honest. It adds to your aesthetic. 

Damian:... Thank you. 

Tim: But no, I did not know about Nightwings impromptu travel to San Francisco. 

Jason: We spent New Years together! 

Dick: Yeah, we flew out on the fifth and came back on the tenth. 

Tim: Ho, you have no right to judge him for leaving, you left the city the day of New Years? 

Garfield: Man, that's cold. 

Jason: Oh yeah, I did. Whoops. 

Damian: Where did you go? 

Tim: Australia. 

Jason: Star City. 

[pause] 

Jason: Australia. 

Tim: Star City. 

[pause]

Dick: That's not suspicious. 

Garfield: I know, right? 

Damian: Are you not comfortable telling us? Why. 

Jason: Don't demand. I'll tell what I want. 

Tim: I know. Bitch. 

Damian: I know where you live. 

Garfield: So do I now. This place is mega super awesome, by the way, man. Like, it's actually so cool. Do you have a computer system up there? 

Dick: Good deflection from threats. 

Garfield: Thanks, I had to listen to you and Starfire passive aggressively fight for years. 

Tim: Lord, Starfire and Nightwing in the same room together sometimes feels like having Batman and Robin's. But thanks, and yeah it is. I made it. 

Garfield: You made that? Looks like something we'd have in the tower! 

Tim: Thank you! 

Jason: Jesus, you're blushing Red. 

Dick: Yo, get your own friends. 

Damian: You should be scolding Beast Boy for flirting with Red Robin. 

Garfield: I am a taken man! 

Dick: Were you flirting? 

Garfield: No! I just like computers and stuff, it's like a hobby, I guess? But no, of course, I wasn't flirting with Red Robin! 

Damian: Why are you so offended at the thought of merely flirting with Red Robin? Is he not good enough for you? 

Tim: Robin. It's fine. 

Damian: No, answer the question, Beast Boy. 

Garfield: Ah, I'm sure Red Robin is a lovely...um, lover, but I do have a lovely girlfriend who's father is basically the devil so. I am very happy in our relationship and was not trying to flirt with Red Robin—he is very kind and, um, pretty? though, and he a hundred percent deserves, like, affection and... care? 

Dick: Wow. That was incrediby embarrassing for you. Robin was joking. 

Tim: I would say I've never seen someone break under Robin like that but I'd be lying. 

Jason: How you feel about his aesthetic now? 

Garfield: The sword is starting to feel less threatening. 

Tim: Yeah, that happens. Just wait until he founds out your insecurities. 

Damian: I haven't called you unlovable in years! 

Dick: You called him what?! 

Jason: Jesus Christ, no wonder he hasn't gotten a boyfriend yet. Why would you say that? 

Damian: I don't knowk, it was years ago. Back when I first arrived in Gotham and saw Red Robin as a competator rather than a brother. 

Tim: Again, going to pick that apart and ignore the first bit, Robin just called me family again. 

Garfield: I'm confused, is that supposed to be a rare thing? At New Years he was talking about how incompetent you are, sure, but dud you can't just have gone off milk in your fridge and mouldy oranges, but also, he was really worried you'd hurt youself while patrolling. 

Dick: I was also worried about that, but yeah, Rob was super worried about you guys. Especially Batman and Signal since holidays are hard for them. 

Damian: Why must you expose me so. 

Garfield: I'm trusting that my decade long friendship with Nightwing will protect me from any bodily harm. 

Damian: It's not just your body I can harm. 

Garfield: Right then. Moving on, anyone else ever feel really bad for yelling at squirrels? 

Jason: Yeah. 

Tim: Can't say I relate. 

Damian: Why are you yelling at squirrels? What have they ever done for you? 

Garfield: No, I mean, like where I live they just be in the middle of the road, staring at you like your god and just begging to be hit with your car, so we have to yell at them to get them to move. 

Jason: Oh. 

Dick: Why are you saying that like you've been yelling at them for other reasons? What other reasons are there to yell at squirrels, of all things? 

Jason: I don't know. I don't actually yell at squirrels a lot, most of the time it's cause I'm having a manic episode or something. 

Tim: Oh, those are the worst. 

Jason: Literally. 

Dick: Just hit them with your car. Prove dominance. Tell them you are god and a hateful one, one who has decided what can and cannot be acceptable behaviour and sitting in the road, begging and pleading to be hit by a car, is not acceptable behaviour. 

[pause]

Jason: Where the fuck did that come from? 

Garfield: What the fuck, Nightwing. Like, seriously, what the fuck. 

Tim: There were so many things I expected to come out of your mouth in that moment, but that was not one of them. 

Dick: What? What do you do when someone decides your their god? Make them regret it. Show them rightous anger. 

Jason: Why are you taking this stance? 

Dick: Why not? 

Jason: Understandable, have a good day. 

Damian: If I ever see you plow dow a squirrel in the same manner Starfire does you, I will not hesitate to disembowel you and send your spleen to Red Robin as a replacement. 

Garfield: So many things were wrong with what you just said. 

Dick: How did you know I've been with Starfire recently? 

Tim: You have? 

Dick:... Yeah, about two weeks ago. We've been trying to keep it slower than usual this time since it's never worked out well before, and we usually go pretty quickly. 

Damian: I know all. I like knowing things about you. 

Jason: Feels a bit stalker-ish. 

Tim: It does, actually. Where was I yesterday, where I go for lunch? 

Damian: Metropolis. You had lunch with the clone and ordered the fish. 

[pause]

Tim: Okay. Yeah. I, um, I did. 

Dick: Ah, was the fish at least, ah, good? 

Damian: He left fifty dollars as a tip, so I'd guess yes. 

Jason: This is no longer stalker-ish, it is simply stalker.

Garfield: I am loving and fearing this child more by the second, honestly. 

Damian: I could tell the whole world what you do for the nest week, Beast Boy. Watch yourself. 

Garfield: I think I'l be watching everything around me for a while. 

Tim: Now you know how I feel. 

Garfield: I feel like I underestimated the amount of unhinged energy you guys have. I knew that Nightwing was this weird cyrptid that ate cereal at ungodly hours of the morning and basically had no bones with the way he could bend but jesus. You guys, especially Robin and Red Robin, are on a whole other level. 

Tim: What on earth about any of us have ever projected a stable life, in any way? We dress up as bats or birds at night to beat people up. 

Jason: Hey, I dress up as the creepy serial killer who killed me. 

Dick: Please change your costume. 

Jason: Nope. I like to live with it. If I trigger myself, no one else can do it for me.

Tim: Mood. 

Garfield: To be honest, same. 

Damian: I'll say, you are the most enjoyable to speak to out of all of Nightwings friends. 

Garfield: Not Raven? She's pretty cool, I gotta say. 

Dick: You're biased, she's your girlfriend. 

Garfield: That's why I gotta say it. 

Jason: You should do what I do and simply—

[pause] 

Jason: Nevermind.

Dick: I hate when you and Red share a look like that, I feel like you're hiding something from me. 

Damian: They are. 

Jason: Shut up. 

Dick: Okay. Back to what Beast Boy said, I'd like to point out that I really don't eat that much cereal. I eat, like, a normal amount. 

Jason: I think the last time I ate cereal was... ten years ago? Back when I was living. At home, sorry. Forgot I needed to continue that sentence. 

Tim: I have never touched cereal before in my life. 

Damian: I don't think I could name a brand of cereal if a gun was pressed against my skull. 

Dick: Basically, I have to make up for your guys lack. 

Garfield: And when it was just you? Way back when the Titans was just us, you still inhaled the cereal like a dying man. 

Dick: I brought you here for a good time, and to represent the Titans accordingly, not to attack me. What type of teamwork is this painting for the world? What type of image is this sending? 

Garfield: The one that shows the world who you really are? A strange cryptid? How old even are you? 

Dick: That's for me to know and you to guess. 

Garfield: See? Life long friend. Who knows how long that life is. 

Dick: Who knows? I thought that one would live a long time and yet. There is a grave with his name on it. 

Tim: Well, he'll never be tossed back into it as long as I'm alive. The people around me die when I say so. 

Damian: We know. The most prominant example being the clone. 

Tim: How many times have I told you not to call him that? 

Garfield: Clone? 

Dick: Superboy. 

Garfield: Oh, do you talk to him? I miss him, he was funny. And cool, the jacket was always a fun thing to see a super with. 

Tim: Yeah, he's fine. We just had a small spat where he died and I slightly lost my mind trying to get him back, as well as the rest of my team. It's fine though, they're fine now. 

Garfield: I've gleaned from Nightwing that he's the type to talk about heart crushing, other wordly, completely depressing truama like nothing is wrong. We—the team—used to call it Robin Lore. I think I'll be starting a Bat Lore. 

Dick: I do that. Did you know that Beast Boy once tansformed into a shark on land, forgot they needed water to, like, live, and then completely panicked and almost died while forgetting that he controls his powers and being a shark was not a curse thrust upon him? 

Garfield: It was a scary time. I thought I was dying. 

Dick: But you weren't. 

Garfield: Okay, but I felt like it. 

Jason: Don't tell him how to feel, Nightwing. Don't victim blame. 

Dick: Don't take his side, I'm your brother. 

Jason: He's your friend and an old acquaintence, I need him to know I'll support him. 

Tim: I'll support you in many ways, over Nightwing. 

Damian: Be greatful we're speaking to him. 

Dick: No! Get your own friends! He's mine, pick me. 

Garfield: In what way could you support me that Nightwing couldn't? 

Dick: Beast Boy! 

Tim: Finacially. 

Garfield: OH! That's not what I was expecting. Is it weird I'm willing to continue this conversation? 

Dick: Yes! 

Tim: No. I could do it, what do you want? 

[pause]

Garfield: Can I text someone real quick? 

Tim: Sure. 

Dick: Why does it sound like your actually considering it? 

Jason: I am so intrigued. 

Damian: Is Beast Boy becoming Red Robin's concubine? 

Jason: I think so? 

Dick: He better not. 

Garfield: I have been messaged back and the girlfriend would like to know if she can be included into the deal. 

Tim: Raven? Yeah, she's cool. 

Garfield: I am ready to talk business now. 

Tim: I can give you an allowance, weekly, if you continue to annoy Nightwing enough that he makes that face. 

Garfield: Hundred percent, I can do that. Anything else? 

Tim: Nope. 

Garfield: That's it? Raven was thinking something, like, sexual. 

Tim: No, I'm okay with that. Unless? 

Dick: No! Absolutely not! Not only is Beast Boy in a relationship, he is age inappropriate and off limits because he's MY friend. 

Garfield: Hey now, my girfriend is a part of this deal. She and I have been included in this equally. 

Jason: And so what if he's your friend? Is that not, like, a good thing? You know that Beast Boy, and Raven sorry, would treat Red right? Much better than the last guy anyway. 

Damian: Last guy? I did not know that Red Robin had previously been in a relationship. 

Tim: See if I'll keep your secrets after this bitch. 

Garfield: I would treat Red Robin very nicely, but as said before, we will not be entering a romantic relationship. However, sugar baby—sugar daddy relationship? I'm down with that, Raven's down with that. 

Dick: I am not. 

Jason: Why? 

Dick: Why are you so intrigued by this? 

Jason: I don't know, I just am. 

Tim: Back off, Nightwing. Seriously, we're joking. 

Garfield: Yeah, I'm not actually going to become Red Robins mistress... 

Garfield: Unless! 

[laughter[

Garfield: I am perfectly stable in both my relationship and my finacial situation. 

Dick: So am I. But would I appreciate a sugar daddy? Sure. Why not. I've been needing some more crop tops. 

Tim: I could buy you more if you wanted. 

Dick: Stop. 

Jason: Buy food. 

Damian: Buy self respect. 

Tim: You already bought me food this week, so no, and you took all of it when you decided to have as big a head as yours. 

Dick: He does have a big head, doesn't he? 

Garfield: You're saying it like you gave birth to him or something. 

Dick: I could have. What about it. 

Garfield: You... what? 

Dick: Robin could have left my womb. 

Garfield: *laughs* You? Don't have one? What? 

Damian: How dare you say that to my mother. 

Jason: You can't just disrespect a kids mom like that. 

Tim: Can't believe I just offered you my money. 

Dick: You see that look? He got that from me. My child. 

Garfield: But Batman is his dad? 

[pause]

Dick: No. 

Garfield: You're commiting to this so much you are denying the fact that Batman is Robins father, even though you said it in the last episode? 

Dick: What lie? The only lie I've told was that Batman sired my child. He's... Harley Quinns. 

Garfield: Really? 

Dick: Yup. 

Garfield: Right then, how long ago did Harley impregnate you? 

Dick: Fourteen years ago. Fifteen actually. 

Garfield: Funnily enough, I saw you then and didn't know you had been impregnated. 

Dick: I was good at hiding it. All of them, actually, are my biological children. 

Garfield: Including Hood, who's only, like, five years younger than you? 

Dick: *slowly* Yes. 

Garfield: Congradulations. More Nightwing slash Robin Lore. 

Jason: I always used to wonder why my mom got rid of me, turns out it was because he was actually a five year old. 

Tim: I knew that my mother just never wanted me, but I never imaged he would leave me all alone. 

Damian: You are all pathetic, of course mother would choose me to keep. 

Dick: Please never call me mom or mother again. 

Garfield: Why not? Mom? 

Dick: I had a boyfriend before that had a feminization kink and he used to call me stuff like mommy and princess. 

Garfield: Jesus Christ. Was it *mumbles* 

Dick: Yup. 

Garfield: Always knew there was something weird about him, we just thought he had a foot fetish or something. Maybe he liked seeing you bend yourself in half or like lick your own feet. 

Dick: No, he called me mommy. It was really weird. 

Jason: I could see it on your face that you wanted to say something, remembered who you were with and how old Robin is, before deciding not to say it and I applaud you. 

Dick: Thank you, it was actually a struggle. 

Tim: Was it inappropriate? 

Dick: It was about sex, so. 

Dick: Yeah. 

Tim: It's all good man, I do that too. Sometimes I'll be talking to Hood about a hook-up or something and he'll be like 'too much detail, tone it down'. And I'll be like 'okay, sorry, didn't realise this wasn't a safe space'. 

Jason: It can stll be a safe space without me having to know about how much lube you needed. 

Dick: That's a bit much. 

Garfield: You once went into a very long, very detailed description of what it felt like to be—

Dick: Okay! Robin is a kid guys, let's remember that. 

Damian: I will slaughter anyone that disrespects you by making you so uncomfortable that years later, you still hate it, so please, continue speaking. I would love to know who and how. 

Jason: I like the spirit. Strong, ominious, threatening. My three favourite things. 

Tim: I also like it. Validating, factual, comforting. Three things I like. 

Dick: Threatening, involved murder, involved sex. Three things I don't like hearing from Robin. 

Garfield: I can't decide if I liked being here or not. It's... been an experience. One that is unique. Next time you should bring Cyborg, he'd kill to see those computers upstairs. Also Superboy. 

Tim: I've been trying to get him to come, he won't. Something about how he's afraid Batman will kill him if he steps foot into Gotham. 

Dick: Probably would. We're lucky we got you in here. 

Garfield: What a way to tie this episode up with Beast Boy ending up feeling threatened. 

Tim: It's out specialty. 

Jason: Wait, I have a question. How did you find out about this? 

Garfield: Twitter. We have, um, programmes that run for Nightwings name and if it pops up more than like ten times? I think that's it, and then it gets flagged so we can make sure he's okay. 'Cause someone is allergic to texting us that he's okay but he's perfectly capable of telling us he wants cake or something. 

Jason: Cool. Just wanted to make sure about something. 

Tim: Was it about...? 

Jason: Yeah. 

Damian: I cannot believe you've been able to keep whatever this is that you're keeping from us from us for so long. 

Dick: Rephrase that with just you because I keep my nose out of Hood's business after the last time. 

Garfield: The last time? 

Dick: Not appropriate for this podcast or the children. I'll tell you later when I drive you home. 

Garfield: Cool. Can we get food? 

Jason: I actually made dinner, if you guys want some. 

Tim: They don't, that's just for me. 

Jason: Red. Beast Boy can have some carbonara if he wants some. 

Garfield: I do want. Thank you for the food and for having me. I will not be coming back. 

Damian: Good. 

Garfield: Will you make sure he doesn't poison my food? 

Jason: But then who will make sure I don't poison it? 

Chapter Text

Jason Todd isn't Dead

@whatifwemadeoutrn 

why does @redhood just drop lore on his friends/fam and be like 'you should know this lol'

17:02pm • 19th January, 2020 • Twitter for iPhone

92k replies    82k retweets    84k likes

Purple Rules! 

@spoilerismywife

why the FUCK is your name Jason Todd isn't dead? Literally standing in the hospital wing dedicated to him @whatifwemadeoutrn

18:57pm • 19th January, 2020 • Twitter for iPhone

198k replies    26k retweets    298k likes

Jason Todd isn't Dead

@whatifwemadeoutrn

because i saw him in fucking walmart yesterday buying milk in sweats and a tiny muscle t-shirt. @spoilerismywife

19:16pm • 19th January, 2020 • Twitter for iPhone

201k replies    12k retweets    128k likes 

Jan Micheal Vincent

@janetbyrnes

why are @nightwing literally just the suspicious fry meme from futerama in the new ep? he's so suspicious of beast boy and red robin lol

19:43pm • 19th January, 2020 • Twitter for iPhone

728 replies    937 retweets    8k likes 

the funny one 

@nightwing

over the past few days ive seen @redrobin text someone, look at me, smile, then go back to texting. im afraid for beast boy/me

23:37pm • 19th January, 2020 • Twitter for iPhone

739k replies    827k retweets    273k likes 

the smart one

@redrobin  retweeted

you should be. 

"@nightwing : over the past few days ive seen @redrobin text someone, look at me, smile then go back to texting. im afraid for beast boy/me" 

23:42pm • 19th January, 2020 • Twitter for iPhone

927k replies    482k retweets    349k likes

the dead one 

@redhood

what is cereal? a stew? or a soup? 

01:38am • 20th January, 2020 • Twitter for iPhone

472k replies    739k retweets    928k likes 

the best one 

@onetrueRobin

the next time I lay my eyes upon someone (a man) pulling his dog on the leesh, I shall take it off the dog and put it on him and attach it to a car before getting into a race with the batmobile.

03:27am • 20th January, 2020 • Twitter for iPhone

827k replies    918k retweets    953k likes

the nicest one

@signal

@onetrueRobin way past your bedtime bro (do it do it do it do it do it do-) 

03:45am • 20th January, 2020 • Twitter for iPhone

726k replies    534k retweets    827k likes 

gotham sucks

@whydoilivehere

is it just me or did the majority of the bats suddenly go missing and robin is prowling the streets, muttering about heathens and animals? 

04:18am • 20th January, 2020 • Twitter for iPhone

837 replies    721 retweets    534 likes 

Bat-tling Boredom

Various capes doing a podcast, hear Gotham's favourites talk about absolute shit for an undetermined amount of time. Now with special guest episodes because that's somethign we'll do apparently! (we were high when we started this - Red Hood, Red Robin xxx) (please don't tell batman - Spoiler xoxo) 

Reflections on Robin with: Robins

Dick: I'm super excited but also in incredible pain at this very moment in time. 

Damian: Why are you in pain? 

Dick: I was hit by a car. 

Tim: When? 

DIck: On my way here. I was walking and a car just hit me. No reason, no apology. Nothing. I knew I should have swung here but, oh well. Live and let live. 

Jason: Do you want me to hunt them down? Kill them? Saw their head off? 

Damian: I agree, we should do that. 

Dick: Or you could not. Let's not forget we don't discuss violence on this. 

Tim: Woah, when did we decide this? 

Stephanie: I would like to point out this is my first time on this and therefore, do not know the rules. 

Tim: Would you even follow them if you knew them, Spoiler? 

Duke: No, she would not. I also do not know the rules but am willing to learn them, if only so that Nightwing can stop looking at me like that. 

Dick: Like what? 

Duke: Like I've shot a corpse in front of you and then jerked off on your grave. 

Dick: WOAH! Where did that come from? 

Duke: Where did it come from? Where did it come from? Some of us patrol during the day! Some of us are normal and sleep at night! This is way past my bed time, Nightwing, that's where it came from. 

Damian: Not even I have a bed time anymore. 

Duke: Yeah, well, is my dad Batman? No. He's not. 

Tim: Wouldn't that mean you don't have to listen to him? 

Duke: I don't. This is a self-imposed bed time. After twelve I get cranky. Also, I am actively not listening to him because he keeps telling me to patrol at night, or at least whenever I have back-up. Loser. 

Jason: Preach. 

Dick: Can you not talk about dad like that? 

Jason: Says the man who got hit by a car on his way over. 

Dick: Which one of us has a grave? A tomb with their name on it? 

[pause]

Dick: I'm sorry, that was very bitchy. Again, I am in pain. 

Jason: That, my friends, was what Nightwing was like when I was Robin. 

Tim: I don't believe it. 

Damian: Neither do I. 

Stephanie: I a hundred percent believe it. Wing gives off serious bitch energy. 

Duke: I'll not lie, I've never thought about what energy Nightwing gives off. 

Jason: I swear, this guy—maximum bitch. Absolute cunt. Passive-agressive queen. 

Dick: Okay, mister 'Robin gives me magic!' You were insufferable. 

Tim: I'm going to go get you some pain killers because you're just plain mean whenever you're in pain. What the hell. 

[chair scrapes] 

Duke: Will you get me a tea? Or a coffee! 

Jason: I will also take a tea! You now how I like it! 

Dick: While you're taking orders—

Tim: *faintly* I AM NOT TAKING ORDERS! 

Dick: Right then. 

Damian: What is it? I can go get it. 

Stephanie: Bet you he didn't want anythign and just wanted to mess with Red. 

[pause] 

Dick: While not untrue, I do actually need water or somethign with these painkillers. 

Damian: Here, I have a water bottle. 

Stephanie: Where the fuck did you pull that out of? 

Jason: Wing must really be in pain because we've cussed at least five times each and he hasn't said anything. 

Tim: Okay, I'm back. Here, and here. Take them, asshole. I'm starting to believe Hood about Nightwing being a massive dick when they first met. 

Dick: *sigh* I really hate when you guys do this. 

Tim: What? Call you a dick? 

Jason: Yeah, dick? I know it's an insult but it's not the harshest there is out there. 

Stephanie: Personally, I think dick suits you. 

Duke: I wouldn't even think to call you anything but a dick. 

Damian: I must say, the name does certaintly ring a sort of finality to it. 

Dick: This is why I didn't like you when you joined the family. 

Tim: Wait, that was a serious thing? Not a dick joke? 

Jason: Yeah, he, like, hated me. 

Dick: I didn't hate you... I hated that you were Robin. It was a thing, I got over it. 

Stephanie: I'm realising that I have no fucking idea what any of you excpet for current Robin and Red were like as Robin. 

Duke: I literally only know because Red likes to talk shit. 

Tim: It's true, I do. 

Jason: Nightwing was a happy little Robin but once you took him out of the costume, he was bitchiest person alive. It's like all light left his life along with the Robin colours when he took them off. 

Dick: Yeah. I was so angry as Robin *chuckles*, just wanted to break bones and kill someone. 

Stephanie: I'm sorry, what? 

Jason: Yeah. He thirsted for blood. 

Tim: I think—was Hood the happiest Robin for a time? 

Stephanie: Define 'happiest Robin'.

Tim: He didn't have any external conflicts that pushed him into becoming Robin and/or was just generally happy outside of the costume. 

Jason: I definitely was. I was even sorta stable. 

Duke: I don't know, I was kinda okay. 

Dick: You literally started a gang. 

Duke: Yeah, and I was happy to do it. 

Tim: When I was Robin, I was so stressed that Batman would, like, find out I was being neglected or something and be mad at me. I also just didn't sleep. That shits for the weak.

Jason: Why would he be mad at you? 

Tim: I don't know, I was mad at myself. 

Dick: When I was Robin, again, I wanted to kill someone. So. 

Stephanie: When I was Robin, for that brief stint, it was to spite you. 

Tim: I know. Way back when we were dating. 

Damian: I still don't know why you dated that. You could do much better, Spoiler. 

Stephanie: I know, and I have. But he's still my wife, so watch your mouth. 

Jason: He literally has, like, four boyfriends? 

Stephanie: One, his eyebags don't have enough pull for one boyfriend, let alone four, and two, a true wife knows her man needs another man to satisfy him. 

Tim: Where the hell did you get the idea I had four boyfriends? 

Jason: I can list the people and moments, if you'd like. 

Tim: Please. 

Dick: Please don't. You all exist as virginal, lovely aromantic beings to me. 

Jason: My existance isn't for you. 

Damian: What was Hood like as Robin? 

Dick: Again, he's mister 'Robin gives me magic!'. He was so silly and skrunkly. 

Jason: 'Skrunkly'?! 

Tim: I mean, I stalked you for a bit and I would have to agree. 

Dick: All you wanted to do is go fight crime and then go home to do your homework or watch a period piece or something. You were all like "wow, Batman this is amazing! I love you and this whole thing! Jeez, I have to go do my homework! I love you batman! Can we study King Lear outside of patrol? I love Shakespeare! I love the world!". 

Tim: Did you tell Batman you loved him that much? 

Jason: I actually don't remember. My memory be hella spotty. 

Stephanie: What was Nightwing like? 

Jason: "Fuck you Batman, I need to kill a man! My parents are dead! I'm going to kick this man in the balls! I hate you and this fucking cave and you! I'm going to drop out of school and leave this house! I hate the world and myself!" 

Dick: Rude.

Jason: But true. 

Damian: That doens't sound like you. 

Dick: Hood was being dramatic, but honestly... he got the general gist of it. 

Tim: I don't know, towards the end of you being Robin, I think I heard you yell that you hated Batman more than you did those weird, taunting quips. 

Dick: Okay, this is no longer a safe space. 

Stephanie: For you. This is the safest space for me. I think I was a great Robin. 

Tim: You kinda were, it made me mad. 

Duke: Why did it make you mad? 

Tim: I have no idea. Just did. 

Jason: What we're you like? 

Stephanie: The best. 

Dick: Questionable. 

Damian: Not even questionable, it's factually incorrect. 

Duke: Do I even count as Robin? Batman didn't pick me. 

Tim: He didn't pick me either. Or Rob. He really just rolls with the punches, huh. 

Dick: He does. He actually only picked Hood, if you think about it. I was the original—and therefore the best, but that's a conversation for another day—then he picked Hood, but Hood died. Red became Robin by saving Batman, Spoiler became Robin by refusing to leave the cave, Signal was Robin 'cause he started a gang and I made Rob Robin while Batman was, ah, occupied for that year. 

Jason: Damn. 

Stephanie: And you say he doesn't love you? 

Tim: This guy, right? Doens't know love when it slaps him in the face. 

Jason: I will slap you in the face right now. 

Dick: Can I ask why you love slapping people? 

Jason: It's so fun. 

Stephanie: I love the feeling of someones face stinging under my hand, their flesh turning red form pain, their skin stretching around my fingers. I love the power slapping people gives me. I slapped Red once. 

Tim: You did. Twas not fun. 

Jason: I agree with Spoiler. I fucking love hitting people, like, punching them, but I also love slapping them. The sound? Peak. 

Duke: I'd have to say I prefer to kick someone. I like feeling their bones shift under my weight and I just don't get that satisfaction with a slap. 

Tim: Why are you all so weird? 

Dick: Says the man who uses a bo staff simply because he likes seeing his opponents crumble from a good vantage point. Also, you can bonk people. 

Tim: I do love a good bonk. I do it a lot to Superboy. 

Damian: Superboy? 

Tim: My one, not yours. 

Damian: I see. 

Tim: I do with whenever I want him to do something for me. He always understands what I want by where I bonk him. 

Duke: What does a head bonk mean? 

Tim: Food. 

Dick: Stomach bonk? 

Tim: Cuddles. 

Jason: Hand bonk? 

Tim: Coffee

Stephanie: Foot bonk? 

Tim: Go away. 

Damian: Spine bonk? 

Tim: Go faster. 

Jason: Shoulder—g-go faster? 

Tim: Yeah. If I can get behidn him in training and bonk him on the back, then he needs to move faster. Why, what did you think I ment? 

Jason: Nothing. I just—... Nevermind. 

Dick: Do you bonk anyone else? 

Tim: Impulse and Wonder Girl. Sometimes I bonk Beast Boy whenever we see each other. Oh! And Signal. 

Duke: I hate it. It always means move. 

Tim: You're always in my way. 

Duke: Use you're words. You know, like a normal person? 

Tim: Why would I do that when I can hit you? 

Duke: Because it's rude? 

Tim: Says who? Not me. 

Duke: Me. I say. My bruises say. 

Damian: I doubt he bruises you. 

Duke: I can show you them. 

Stephanie: How will we know which one is from Red and not those hooligans that do crime during the day? 

Duke: You trust me. Why would I lie? 

Jason: You are the only person who ever wins at bullshit. Or, sorry, cheat. 

Dick: Wow, good job. Not like Rob will know it's not called cheat now. 

Jason: I'm sorry! 

Damian: It's called bullshit? You lied to me? 

Dick: I... oh lord, I'm sorry. 

Damian: Do you hear that? Because I sure as hell don't. 

Jason: Heh,  are you ignoring him? 

Damian: Ignoring who? As far as I'm concerned, I have only two older brothers and one sister. 

Stephanie: Okay, sitting right here. 

Duke: I know, right? 

Dick: Rob, come on. You know how B feels about swearing, we had to lie! 

Damian: I think I hear a fly buzzing in my ear. 

Dick: What would you do if Batman gave out to us because he heard you hell "BULLSHIT" from the sitting room all the way in the monitor room? The cave echos! 

Jason: You're making it sound like we live in the cave. 

Dick: We basically do. I spend more time in the cave than I do in my bed. Which is so disppointing. 

Tim: Just like you. 

[pause]

Tim: I am so sorry. 

Dick: Wow. Betrayed. Stabbed in the back. In my own house. 

Tim: This is actually my apartment. 

Jason: Is it? 

Duke: I'd say this is Robins. 

Damian: Thank you for that but I would never live like this. 

Tim: What's that supposed to mean? 

Damian: This place is filthy. 

Stephanie: It lowkey kinda is. Are those chinese cartons? 

Jason: I swear to god, if I look over there and I see the chinese boxes from when we got food THREE DAYS AGO, I will suceed in killing you. Nothing could stop me. 

Dick: I could stop you. 

Jason: No. Nothing could. My family will not live like slobs. 

Tim: Hold on, give me a sec. 

Jason: Oh lord, it definitely is the boxes from when we ate a couple of days ago. 

Dick: It's hard for some people, okay? 

Stephanie: To what? Clean? 

Duke: I'm not siding with you pal. 

Damian: I don't even know who you are speaking to, who is this stranger? 

Dick: Oh, come on! It was one lie! 

Damian: It's the principle of the matter! 

Dick: Ha! You spoke to me! Loser! 

Jason: Don't call him a loser. You were just calling him you're baby a few days ago. 

Dick: I can call Robin whatever I like since he is my baby! I am his father! 

Duke: Luke, I am you're father! 

Tim: No! No Star Wars refrences in my house. 

Stephanie: We are not a Star Wars household. 

Jason: Than what type of household are you? 

Dick: A bunch of losers, that's who. Anything else sucks. 

Tim: Watch your whore mouth. 

Dick: My sexual reputation has nothing to do with my mouth! 

Stephanie: It has everything to do with your mouth. 

Duke: It directly correlates to your mouth. 

Damian: I believe Hood is the most accurate description of a whore. 

Jason: Please don't, Wing doesn't know. 

Dick: What's that supposed to mean? 

Jason: Do you hear that? I think—I think my mom is calling me. 

Duke: What mom? 

Jason: Ouch. 

Duke: No, seriously, you've had like four. Bro, pick one. 

Jason: Ah! The last one! Bye! 

Dick: Wait! Come back! 

Duke: Can I leave too? 

Stephanie: I guess so. 

Duke: Thank god. Goodnight whores. 

Chapter Text

the smart one

@redrobin

the hat man has returned to me it’s an unfortunate circumstance but I must fight him

04:12am • 30th January, 2020 • Twitter for iPhone

217k replies    189k retweets    327k likes

clone boy

@superboy  retweeted 

please don't just come see me in the kitchen

"@redrobin : the hat man has returned to me it's an unfortunate circumstance but I must fight him" 

4:13am • 30th January, 2020 • Twitter for iPhone

200k replies    238k retweets    138k likes 

eat ass or die

@colinwilson

hey @redhood should you die via being eaten by a horse, would you eat cranberries to surprise the horse, like as a treat? 

10:37am • 30th January, 2020 • Twitter for iPhone 

817 replies    683 retweets    918 likes

the dead one

@redhood retweeted

What the fuck? Who comes up with this? Also no, that horse deserves no such luxury or satisfaction, it’s killing me

“@colinwilson ; hey @redhood should you die via being eaten by a horse, would you eat cranberries to surprise the horse, like a treat?” 

12:12pm • 30th January, 2020 • Twitter for iPhone

817k replies    726k retweets    918k likes 

the ghost 

@killurself

vigilantes be like “i stalked you for a bit” and then casually move on as if that’s hero or *normal* people behaviour (cough, red robin, cough)

13:52pm • 30th January, 2020 • Twitter for iPhone 

12k replies    23k retweets    62k likes 

samantha snot 

@whoresnotty

love it when @nightwing is like “sorry I don’t know if i’m making sense” when he’s talking like, no babygirl, i was born to understand you. 

14:02pm • 30th January, 2020 • Twitter for iPhone 

19k replies    23k retweets    27k likes 

spaghetti hole

@spaghetti

Had to call @signal to help me find my antipsychotics today, lil bro found em for me what a legend 

14:27pm • 30th January, 2020 • Twitter for iPhone 

48k replies    72k retweets    59k likes 

get me away from here

@gothamsgargoyles

my parents are happily married but seeing Batman (get an account bro) cycle thru women and men makes me feel like a child of divorce 

16:27pm • 30th January, 2020 • Twitter for iPhone 

79k replies    85k retweets    127k likes 

get me away from here 

@gothamsgargoyles

like pabbie please, just pick one and put a ring on em im tired of seeing the rogues flirt with you 

16:28pm • 30th January, 2020 • Twitter for iPhone 

109k replies    143k retweets    187k likes 

the best one 

@onetrueRobin retweeted

how do you think we feel? It is deeply uncomfortable to hear scarecrow imply a sexual encounter with my own father 

“@gothamsgargoyles ; like pabbie please, just pick one and put a ring on em im tired of seeing the rogues flirt with you” 

729k replies    894k retweets    999k likes

Bat-tling Boredom

Various capes doing a podcast, hear Gotham's favourites talk about absolute shit for an undetermined amount of time. Now with special guest episodes because that's somethign we'll do apparently! (we were high when we started this - Red Hood, Red Robin xxx) (please don't tell batman - Spoiler xoxo) 

frat House or bat house 

Jason: Look at this fool walking in here wearing slippers.

Tim: Okay, kill yourself, my feet are cold. 

Jason: Harsh, for literally no reason. I always call you a fool. 

Tim: I know! And I always tell you not to because I am the smart one and I’m tired of pretending I’m not. 

Jason: You got that from 'Pretty Little Liars’, didn’t you? The whole smart one thing, I have a vague memory of one of the liars saying that in a black and white episode. 

Tim: I’ve never seen ‘Pretty Little Liars’. 

Jason: Absolute loser, what do you mean? 

Tim: Alright then. Where’s Robin? What did you do to him? 

Jason: He’s in the bathroom, why did you assume I did something to him? 

Tim: Because you’re an asshole? 

Jason: Why are you so sour? What the hell is going on? 

Tim: I’m not—… 

[sigh]

Tim: I had a shit mission with the guys. 

Jason: The guys? 

Tim: We’re not apart of Titans but… calling ourselves Young Justice feels a bit like we’re leeching off the Justice League and I sorta hate those guys, barring the Flash and Green Lantern point two, so we just sorta exist. I guess. It’s me, Impulse, Superboy and Wonder girl. 

Jason: Isn't the second Green Lantern, like, space Jesus now? White Lantern? Is that a thing? Am I thinking about the right person? 

Damian: I’m assuming it was all the clones fault. 

Tim: Why—why would you assume that? 

Jason: Okay just ignore me. 

Tim: Plannin' on it. 

Jason: Why are we still calling him the clone? I thought Superman, like, claimed him. 

Tim: Like in ‘Percy Jackson’? 

Jason: I don’t know, my one is actually a clone! 

Damian: As per usual, mine is the only authentic one. 

Tim: Okay, just say you’re homophobic. 

Damian: How? 

Tim: Superboy’s got two dads. Superman. And Lex Luthor. 

Jason: Does the public know that? 

Tim: Well, they do now. Not like he talks to either of them anyway. 

Damian: Okay, well, my super is his actual son and therefore better than yours. 

Tim: Get out of here, jerk. 

Jason: The mission? 

Tim: Ugh, shut the fuck up. Sorry, Rob, please don’t tell B I cursed in front of you. Or Wing. Or Oracle. Basically, just don’t tell people I cursed. 

Jason: What a wonderful thing to attempt to hide as we record ourselves and post it on the internet. 

Tim: I'll just cut it out, no worries. 

[pause]

Tim: No, I won't. I never go over these things. One of these days, someone's going to say like, Batman's name, and none of us will clock it. 

Jason: Oh, a hundred percent. 

Damian: My moneys on it being Nightwing. 

[pause]

Jason: Wow. A betrayal I never saw coming. 

Tim: I know, right? Brutal. 

Damian: In this life, it's all for one and one for all. 

Jason: Where'd you learn that? 

Damian: My mother. 

Tim: Not surprising. Oh! Also, if your grandfather could stop sending me... gifts, I'd appreciate it. 

Jason: Why'd you say 'gifts' like that? 

Tim: Take a look at the newest one, it's in the hallway waiting to be set on fire or blown up. 

Jason: What? 

[chair scrapes]

Damian: Grandfather regularly sends you gifts?

Tim: Oh, sorry, I thought you knew. It's been happening for a while and B says to ignore it, but... it's gettin' kinda hard to ignore. They're just getting weirder. 

Jason: *faintly* Jesus Christ, what the fuck?! 

Tim: Yeah. 

Damian: I see. Shall I send someone after him? They won't be able to lay a finger on him, of course, but it might be enough of a message to stay away for now. 

Tim: No, it's alright. I'm figuring it out, it's all just piled up today. 

Jason: Wow, I mean, wow. That's—

Tim: Yeah. 

Jason: Do you need us to, like, kill him? 

Tim: Robin just offered something like that, but I'm going to have to go with 'no'. I've tried that but it just makes him weirder. 

Jason: So, you were saying about the mission? 

Tim: Oh yeah, um, grand total we had to blow up the place but none of us had any explosives and I was all like 'why don't any of you guys have some fucking C4?' and Superboy was like 'you literally have a whole pair of binoculars in your pocket, why don't you have some?'. As if that's something I'd just have. Cause I'm a fucking magic man, Jesus Christ. My pockets are the side of fucking Canada apparently, never ending like that one stupid bag Hermione had in 'Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows'.

Damian: You do not carry explosives around? 

Tim: I will skin you right here, right now. 

Jason: Please don't, Nightwing will kill us. 

Tim: I can handle him. 

Damian: Loathe as I am to admit it, he could. 

Tim: Unexpected and appreciated. 

Jason: I feel like you'd find anything to complain about, like everyday there's a complaint passing your lips. 

Tim: Not the only thing. 

Jason: Please don't. Not in front of the kid and not for the internet to know. 

Tim: It just came out. 

Damian: If I were Red Robin, I'd make an innappropriate joke. 

Jason: You basically just did. 

Tim: You know something? You suck. You suck. Like a lot. 

Jason: Wow. So insulting. Go back to school, fuckhead. 

Tim: Hello, I literally got further than you did? 

Damian: And yet neither of you have a basic, high school diploma. At this rate, Father would hang them in the cave if either of you were to accomplish that. 

Tim: Says the boy being tutored. 

Jason: Yeah, you don't have the high ground here. 

Damian: I should. 

Jason: Also, I didn't drop out like a loser like you. I died. 

Tim: So go back? Night school? We could handle your patrol for a while. You're smart enough bro. 

Jason: Eh, wouldn't feel the same unless it was my actually name. 

Tim: So, just go to the court house and be like 'burn my death cirtificate bitches, I am right here'. You know they'd just blink and say okay. This is Gotham, it's not that weird. 

Jason: It's a pride thing at this point, honestly, but I have been thinking about it a bit more now that I... am where I am. 

Damian: What does that mean? 

[at the same time]

Tim: Nothing. 

Jason: Nothing. 

[silence]

Tim: You hate that I know something about him that you don't, don't you? I can see it in your eyes. Demon. 

Damian: Heathen. 

Jason: Moving on, I was thinking about it the other day, can you imagine how happy the rogues would be if I asked them about a college essay? I shit you not, one time Scarecrow was attacking soem poor girl and she said 'please don't, I need to be coherant today, my final is in an hour' and he literally stopped and asked her about it. Maybe it's 'cause education is so, like, poor? in Gotham? But all the rogues are for that education. 

Damian: Yes, Harley Quinn regularly asked me how well I'm doing with the homework. 

Tim: Oh, she used to do that for me too. Um, Poison Ivy used to ask about my science homework and my english. One time, she helped me make a science presentation while Batman was dangling from a tree, huffing and puffing 'cause we left him there. 

[laughter] 

Jason: No, I feel like they'd be so happy. Because all of them have some type of degree, I'm pretty sure. 

Damian: Two-Face was the DA for a bit, and being that competent as a lawyer is difficult to achieve. He had to have been ambitious, as well as clever. 

Tim: Scarecrow, Poison Ivy, Harley Quinn, Mad Hatter—they all have some type of, like, PhD. I'm pretty sure at least. 

Jason: I'm like eighty five percent sure all four of them were doctors. Of some kind. 

Damian: Strange has a psychology masters. 

Tim: Maybe that's why people here don't continue their education into big things. All of them go crazy and try and kill some random man who beats them up and his millions of children. 

Tim: Oh! Actually, you know what was crazy? 

Jason: The fact you just interrupted yourself? 

Tim: I overheard B talk about redoing one of the rooms in the house, and I was like 'why?' and he continues talking about how Superboy will need a place to stay? As in, he expects Superboy to start living with us. 

Damian: I'm assuming you mean your one. 

Jason: Obviously, Superboy.2 is fine and has a stable home. 

Tim: Watch it. 

Jason: Sorry. 

Damian: Why on earth would the clone be living with us? 

Tim: I have no idea! I think it's supposed to be a passive aggressive move against Superman, B has always been on his ass for how he treats Superboy. 

Jason: As he should. Now, dad isn't winning any parents of he year awards—proofs in the pudding with this thing sitting beside me—but at least he acknowledges we're his kids.

Damian: Insult aside, it's true. It is truly despicable. And I do not even like the clone. 

Jason: I'm not a big fan of him either, but that's just because I find him irritating, not because he's a bastard. 

[whack!]

Jason: Did you just hit me with your bo staff?! 

Damian: *chuckles* Do it again. 

[whack!]

Damian: Yes! 

Jason: Why did you do it again?! 

Tim: I felt like it. And don't call him a bastard. 

Damian: He does fit the basic desctription. 

[silence]

Damian: Hit me with that and I will break it over your head. 

Tim: *whispers* Damn. I like this one. 

Tim: You win today, brat. 

Jason: Going back to the gallery and college, why don't you go? 

Tim: I have a job. A pretty good one, to be honest. 

Damian: That you gained because of Father. 

Tim: At least I still have it. And what would I do with a college degree? Nothing, the same thing I'm already doing. Like, it'd be useless, it's be a waste of time. 

Jason: So do something fun, just for the sake of doing it. 

Tim: Why? 

Jason: Okay, remember when I saved your life as Robin? 

Tim: You remember that?! 

Jason: Yeah, vaguely. 

Damian: Why did you have to save his life? I thought Father was unaware of Red Robins little habit until after you passed. 

Jason: Yeah. Dad was unaware. I think it's been made clear, I wasn't telling him everything. Anyway, you babbled the whole time to the bus stop—'cause you're a lying bitch who didn't tell me where you actually lived and lied about it, straight to your heros face—about how much you loved that hobby and how I couldn't tell B 'cause he'd take it away from you. Do something with that. 

Damian: Yes, it was a rather respectable hobby. You should continue it again. 

Tim: I don't really have time. 

Jason: So quit your job. 

Tim: And what? Move back home? No thanks. 

Jason: You could crash on my couch. Or there's always Titans Tower. 

Damian: That's true. Besides, Father would love to have you home. 

Tim: Eh, I just don't know. I'll think about it. 

Jason: You definitely should. Besides, why not? It's not a PhD which means you don't have a high chance of going crazy and turning evil. 

Tim: I've already done one of those things. 

Damian: And have you any medication for that? 

Tim: Woah. No. Damn.

Jason: I'm going to breeze past that, would you join a frat house? 

Tim: A what? 

Jason: A fraternity. 

Tim: Those are real?

[silence]

Jason: Yes? 

Damian: Why are you—why are you also confused? Are they real or not. 

Jason: They are, I'm confused because how do you guys not know this? I feel like it's basic knowledge. 

Tim: It's not and no. We already basically live in one when we're all at home. 

Jason: Oh my God, Christmas this year was so bad. I was sitting there begging for someone to take me out. 

Tim: Of the room or, like, with a gun? 

Jason: The latter. 

Damian: I would have done it. 

Tim: Do you know how to use a gun? Nevermind, I heard it as soon as I said it. 

Tim: Hey, Hood, will you teach me how to use a gun? Like how to shoot someone?

Jason: WHAT?! 

Tim: No need for your eyes to pop out of your head, it was just a question. 

Jason: I mean sure, but why? 

Tim: 'Cause I have one. And I want to know how to use it. 

Damian: It truly is a marvel how Father hasn't tied you up a locked you away in a tower or the like. 

Tim: What's that supposed to mean? 

Damian: I don't know. 

Jason: I know exactly what it means, and it's true. 

Tim: Okay well I have to go now. 

Jason: Woah, what? Why? 

Tim: I have an early patrol since I need to leave earlier than usual. I actually need to sleep a bit more than usual tonight because my day tomorrow is very busy and B says I need more sleep in general. 

Jason: It's true, you do. 

Tim: And um, Superboy is coming over. He's got a weird thing about feeding me, recently. 

Damian: Good. You are too skinny. 

Tim: That's what he says! I mean thrown in there is an innappropriate comment about my nipples, but that's what he says. 

Jason: It does say something that everyone you know just wants to shovel food down your throat. Also, what. 

Tim: Hehe, yeah. He's funny. And he's bringing pie as well, and I have ice cream. 

Jason: Planning a right proper date, aren't you?

Tim: Sure, Hood, sure. 

Damian: Don't forget to tell him he's a clone, useless and a bastard. 

Tim: I'm going to hit you now. 

[chairs scrapes] 

Jason: While they're chasing each other around the house like hooligans, I'll tell you guys a small announcement we've got planned. A few, actually. An account on Twitter and Instagram, meaning you can stop tagging us individually, and just use the big thing. Most of us will have access to it, meaning if you ask a question for like, Signal, he might not answer immediatly but he will. And it will be him. 

Jason: Another thing is the Instagram account will have a few pictures from patrol and videos and the like, because a few people have asked about that for a while. Red Robins will be the best, you'll be able to tell, trust me. Um, Nightwing is in charge of the account—he's making it, so the profile picture and such will probably be disaterous and cheesy. 

[faintly] 

Damian: I will castrate you! 

Tim: You'd have to get over here to do it, coward! 

[crash]

Jason: Not that bat-tling boredom is any better. One last thing, someone tagged me in a post asking if we could do a q and a type thing, where for, like, an hour you can send in questions and we'll answer them on this, or maybe during a patrol on a live stream. It all depends on Red Robin, he does the majority of this. What a legend. 

Jason: That's it. So, yeah. Also, for the guy who asked me about the horse last night, please don't ever ask anyone that again. It is the weirdest qurestion ever—actually, ask everyone that. See how they react and if they'd say yes or no. I'm invested in it now. I thought about it for longer than five seconds just there. 

Chapter Text

metropolis sucks! 

@vanessafall

of all the things I expected to come from bat-tling boredom, the Red Hood himself watching pretty little liars is not what I expected lol 

14:38pm • 2nd February, 2020 • Twitter for iPhone 

200 replies    902 retweets    1k likes 

jenny 

@jennylane

someone find out how we can deliver some slippers to @redrobin

14:57pm • 2nd February, 2020 • Twitter for iPhone 

2k replies    3k retweets    923 likes 

KATE ME

@dateKate

SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME OUT I NEED A PICTURE OF A BROKEN LAPTOP LIKE UNUSABLE 

15:07pm • 2nd February, 2020 • Twitter for iPhone 

12k replies    32k retweets    51k likes 

bend me i'm flexible

@nightwing  retweeted 

girl are you going to lie to a teacher or something? 

'@datekate : SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME OUT I NEED A PICTURE OF A BROKEN LAPTOP LIKE UNUSABLE '

15:12pm • 2nd February, 2020 • Twitter for iPhone 

43k replies    72k retweets    102k likes 

KATE ME 

@datekate

YES PLEASE HELP ME O MIGHTY NIGHTWING @nigthwing

15:14pm • 2nd February, 2020 • Twitter for iPhone 

12k replies    7k retweets    10k likes 

bend me i'm flexible 

@nightwing 

alright hold on, i got an old laptop i can beat up and im angry at my dad rn @datekate

15:28pm • 2nd February, 2020 • Twitter for iPhone 

42k replies    34k retweets    79k likes 

the smart one

@redrobin

what did b do? @nightwing

15:35pm • 2nd February, 2020 • Twitter for iPhone 

74k replies    69k retweets    81k likes 

the dead one 

@redhood

nightwing is unavaible right now but I think b implied he couldn't go out tonight because of his injury? but he did it in that weird way that he does? by telling him he's stupid? @redrobin 

15:57pm • 2nd February, 2020 • Twitter for iPhone 

102k replies    210k retweets    209k likes 

bend me i'm flexible

@nightwing

here you go babe, broke it up just for you <3 @datekate

* image * 

16:01pm • 2nd February, 2020 • Twitter for iPhone 

141k replies    290k retweets    324k likes 

KATE ME

@datekate 

YALL NOT ONLY WILL I PASS COLLEGE CAUSE OF THIS BUT NIGHTWING HIMSELF CALLED ME BABE I THINK I MIGHT DIE also thank you sm @nightwing !!!

16:23pm • 2nd February, 2020 • Twitter for iPhone 

23k replies    67k retweets    100k likes 

beefybatman

@markhannifan

do you guys think that at the end of the day Batman and his gaggle of children like sit down at the end of the night and eat together? 

16:36pm • 2nd February, 2020 • Twitter for iPhone

198k replies    87k retweets    201k likes 

long story 

@readtomepls  retweeted

'@markhannifan ; do you guys think that at the end of the day Batman and his gaggle of children like sit down at the end of the night and eat together? '

absolutely. but i bet it's in complete silence, like they're so tired and hurt but want to spend some time together before bed

18:43pm • 2nd February, 2020 • Twitter for iPhone

118k replies    48k retweets    27k likes 

the smart one

@redrobin  retweeted

'@readtomepls ; absolutely. but i bet it's in complete silence, like they're so tired and hurt but want to spend some time together before bed'

it's less silence and more like Robin yells at us all for being morons and Hood threatens to shoot Batman if he tries to take his food again. It's a great time. 

16:36pm • 2nd February, 2020 • Twitter for iPhone

341k replies    192k retweets    268k likes 

blue and yellow

@greenlantern

this is possibly the happiest i've been whenever i come back to earth since the first time what the fuck is battling boredom? 

17:37pm • 5th February, 2020 • Twitter for iPhone 

721k replies    827k retweets    909k likes 

Bat-tling Boredom

@battlingboredom

please come over and do an episode with us, batman would hate it and we all know you like to piss him off @greenlantern please sir please 

18:23pm • 5th February, 2020 • Twitter for iPhone 

827k replies    918k retweets    983k likes 

Bat-tling Boredom

Various capes doing a podcast, hear Gotham's favourites talk about absolute shit for an undetermined amount of time. Now with special guest episodes because that's somethign we'll do apparently! (we were high when we started this - Red Hood, Red Robin xxx) (please don't tell batman - Spoiler xoxo) (this is wild and i am honoured - green lantern) 

edward cullen constantly tells me to lie 

Tim: I love this, oh my god, I love this.

Jason: He's going to be so mad, I can feel it. 

Hal: Which is why I've got a visit to Central City after this. Also, maybe Star. Then space. 

Tim: Will you take me to space with you? 

Hal: And risk more of Batman's fury? I don't think so, pal. 

Tim: Nevermind, my life is complete, Green Lantern called me pal. 

Jason: Alright buddy, keep it in your pants. 

Tim: Why don't you keep your mouth shut, whore. 

Hal: Woah, okay, let's not call each other names. 

Tim: But it's what we do? 

Hal: Seriously? That's not a bit for this, it's how you actually treat each other? 

Jason: Yeah. It's better than how we used to treat each other. Which was hostile. And deadly. 

Hal: Alright fair. What do I know? 

Jason: A lot, probably.

Hal: I'm an intergalatic soldier who regularly leaves the planet for months at a time. I don't know shit. 

Tim: Who's the president? 

Hal: I have no idea. But, hand to god, I wouldn't know either way. 

Jason: Buddy, I died and even I know that. You've got no excuse. 

Hal: I feel like I do. I fight aliens in space. In space. You know what that is, right? 

Tim: He might not. [solemnly] He didn't finish school. 

[sigh]

Jason: Neither did you, we've been over this. 

Hal: I'm sorry, what? 

Hal: I'm going to hope you mean college. I guess you get an excuse 'cause you died, but you! No excuse. 

Tim: I didn't bring you here for you to judge me, so watch yourself pal. I can still whip out a yellow cardigan. 

Jason: Ha! Yellow cardigan. How you gonna lose to the colour yellow? 

Hal: It's not the--hm. I can see now why your father is constantly at the end of his rope. 

Jason: Since when do you care about how our father feels? 

Hal: I don't. I care about how I feel. I'm annoyed. 

Jason: Can't argue with that, we are annoying. 

Tim: I've said it once and I'll say it again, do not dare speak for me. 

Jason: Or what? 

Tim: Do you need me to go over there? I will strangle you across this table, Green Lantern present or not. 

Hal: I would prefer if you didn't. 

Jason: And I care about how you feel why? 

Hal: Who invited me here again? I seem to vaguely recall an episode where you said you'd be in charge of the social media account. 

Jason: Slander. Lies. 

Tim: Loser. Caught on camera. And tape. 

Hal: Wait, there are camera's in here? 

Tim: Of course, who do you think I am?

Hal: A normal person. 

Jason: It's like you don't know who our father is. 

Tim: Hey, can I ask you a question? 

Jason: No.

Tim: I wasn't asking you. 

Jason: I don't want you to. 

Tim: You can't control me. 

Jason: He can. And I can point a gun at him. 

[click] 

Hal: Hey! What!

Hal: Oh wait, is that a custom handle? 

Tim: Get more preservation skills, man, jesus. You've got a gun pointed at your head. 

Hal: Bitch, I remember when this guy was tiny. He used to swirl around in a cape, and ask for cookies during boring meetings. One time, he sat by my feet just to piss of Batman. You think I'm afraid of this fucker? 

Jason: More slander and lies. 

[silence] 

Jason: I asked for crackers. With butter. 

Tim: Just butter? 

Hal: They're deceptively good, don't knock it till you try it. 

Tim: Okay. 

[slap!] 

Jason: Ow! You could have broken my wrist! 

Hal: Where did you eve get that? 

Tim: I always have one on me. 

Tim: Back to my question.

Jason: Okay, we are not getting into this again. 

Hal: Again? What? 

Tim: Why don't you let me get a word in for once in your fucking life, you selfish moron. 

Jason: Is this what the rest of Young Justice feel like? Because I suddenly understand why B thinks they're all going to kill you. 

Tim: Superboy would never do that to me. Impulse would rather die than allow a hair on my head to be misplaced. Wonder Girl has asked me t move in with her before to protect me. If anything happens to me, they go apeshit. 

Hal: I... okay. I'm going to unpack that later, with Green Arrow and hopefully we can figure out how to stop that. 

Tim: *growling* Now, back to my question. 

[Jason sighs]

Tim: If we were Lanterns, what type do you think we'd be? 

Hal: Like, Green or Red? 

Jason: Yeah. 

Hal: Hm. 

Hal: Obvious answer for Hood would be Red, 'cause he's got all that anger and it's pretty potent from what I've heard. But I knew this guy when he was tiny, like absolutely small—

Jason: You stop talking right this instant. 

Tim: No, keep going! 

Hal: He was adorable! I told him one time his cape was cute and he did the whole twirly thing, you know that kids do where they grab the ends of their dresses and twist around a bit? So cute. Biggest smile ever going as well. So, I'd say if Hood was going to be a Lantern, it would either be Red or maybe Blue. Depends, really, on the action that brought you to their attention. 

Tim: Ha! Told you. Hood thought for sure he'd be a Red Lantern, even though the quiz gave him Indigo actaully.

Tim: Wait. Imagine how funny it would be if we asked Green Lantern and he was like, 'yeah you'd be a Black Lantern'. 

Jason: That would be pretty funny actually. I never even considered that. 

Hal: Maybe let's not. I'm not particularly fond of Black Lanterns. 

Jason: Well, I'm sorry, not all of us can live forever. 

Tim: And yet there you stand, seemingly immortal. 

Hal: Seemingly immortal? 

Tim: Grand total, Hood's heart has stopped three times. Once with his original death, another time at his League training, and then after a very bad fight here in Gotham. 

Hal: Jesus. You guys need a vacation or something. 

Tim: So take me to space. 

Hal: How about, no? 

Tim: How about, die? 

Jason: Jesus, Red, there was no need for that. 

Tim: This could be my only opportunity to go to space and he's saying no! This is unfair. 

Hal: I'm thinking about my own life here, I'm sorry, kid. 

Tim: Whatever. I'm changing my ten form. 

[gasp]

Jason: He's on your ten form? 

Tim:... yeah. 

Hal: What's a ten form and why am I on it? 

Tim: That's not important. 

Jason: I thought you couldn't have members of the Justice League on them. I would totally have so many members on it just to annoy B. 

Hal: What? 

Jason: Don't worry about it. 

Hal: Every time a Bat tells me not to worry about it, I immediatly start worrying about it. 

Tim: Sounds like a character flaw. For you. 

Hal: Maybe I will leave. Actually, you know what, goodbye losers. 

Tim: Ah, no wait! We've yet to tell you anything blackmail worthy! 

Hal: Fine. I'll only stay for that. 

Jason: Why do you need blackmail?

Hal: It's not so much blackmail but very strict orders from Green Arrow to get as many embarrassing stories as I can. 

Tim: Wait, Green Arrow knows about this? 

Hal: Yeah, not sure how though. He says he's never listened to it before, and the man is, like, allergic to twitter. He hates it for some reason. Fun sponge. 

Tim: Maybe 'cause he's old? 

Hal: Let's not go there. 

Jason: You just started to sweat, how old are you? 

Hal: Hey, you wanna hear about how when Hood was first starting out as Robin he was so shy that he--

Jason: Nope! Batman tripped over his cape yesterday and sat there for five minutes gazing at it in betrayel and muttering about teeth. 

Tim: Teeth? 

Jason: Something about how he should have been a dentist. 

Hal: Can you imagine. 

Hal: *imitating Batman* Hello, I'll be your dentist today. Open your mouth and show me your teeth so I can steal them. 

[laughter] 

Jason: *imitating Batman* What mighty fine molars you have there, too bad I've got to take them from you. 

Tim: *growling* Why aren't you flossing? 

[chuckling] 

Hal: I don't think I could imagine him in a real person job. 

Tim: He has a real person job. 

Hal: Does he? 

Tim: Yes. He's on the payroll. 

Jason: And yet he doesn't do anything. 

Tim: Let's stop bullying our dad in front of his co-workers. Maybe. Just a thought. 

Hal: Or I could tell you about how he sometimes comes to the Watch Tower just to stalk you guys. 

Tim: Huh. 

Jason: No. 

Hal: Yes. I'll walk into the security room and he'll just have stills on you guys. Especially you, Red, I think he's pretty worried about you. 

Tim: Ew. 

Jason: You don't have a spleen bro, I feel like he gets to be worried. 

Hal: Why on earth do you guys do this? Just drop information like it's nothing, and then move on. Why no spleen? 

Tim: Taken from me. It probably sits in a jar somewhere. 

Jason: You want me to steal it back? 

Hal: I'd help you. With all my alien tech, we could probably put it back as well. 

Tim: Nah, too much work. Thanks though, that was really nice of you to offer. 

Hal: Of course, I love you guys. 

[silence] 

Hal: What? It's true, I love Robin no matter who it is. And I think it's super cool you manage to break away from Robin and find your own identity while still staying true to what it means. It's totally rad. 

Jason: No body says that anymore. 

Hal: Rats. 

Jason: No one says that either! Look what you did! You broke him! 

Hal: I wonder if I told Batman I appreicated his work and admired him, he'd do that too? 

Jason: Probably. Or he'd slap you. 

Tim: Hng. 

Jason: If you couldn't already tell, you're his favourite member of the Justice League. 

Hal: I could guess. It's flattering. And surprising. 

Tim: Don't be flattered, I have really low standards. 

Hal: Even more so now. 

Jason: Hey, why's your ring glowing? 

Hal: Ah fuck. Sorry. That trip to Star might have to wait after all. 

[groan] 

Hal: Ugh, Green Arrow is going to skin me! We haven't seen each other in ages, and he want's me to hang out with him. 

Jason: You can't just ignore it? 

Hal: I'd actually die. It's the other Lanterns calling me. 

Tim: I'm sorry. We can go hang with Arrow if you want us to? Probably won't be as good as he wants it to be, but if he's feeling lonely, then we can go. 

Hal: No, he's not feeling lonely. I think he just... misses me. I miss him too, you know. He's my best friend. 

Tim: Maybe next time you're around, I can... ask for your help on a case with Arrow that might take a while. Justice League stuff, which I'm sure the other Lanterns will respect. I might even need the Flash's help. Or anyone else that you trust. 

Jason: And I might just go take a case with the Outlaws that Batman wouldn't like, which would distract him. He might even take Nightwing and Superman with him. No one to bother you guys on the mission. 

Hal: I... would love to help you if you needed it, Red Robin. 

Hal: Thank you for having me, but I really do need to go. 

Jason: Come by whenever you want. Break Red's mind again. 

Tim: See you later, Iloveyoupleasecomeback! 

Hal: What was that? 

Tim: Nothing. Bye. 

[silence] 

Jason: You're so embarrassing. 

Tim: Kill me now. 

Jason: Why are you like this. 

Tim: I need to die. 

Jason: Not on the calander. 

Tim: Please. 

Jason: We'll see how much you embarrass yourself next time. 

[silence] 

Jason: You're thinking about next time, aren't you? 

[squeal] 

Jason: Oh my god, why do I even love you? You're just a puddle of embarrassing things. 

Tim: It'll al be worth it if I get to see the Green Lantern again. The original. 

Jason: I... wow. Okay. Okay.