Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

A dramatic sigh leaves Thomas' lips as he stares out the window of the East Wing. Alison is outside, her and Mike walking around the grounds of the mansion.

"Oh, Alison..my Alison." He croons, watching intently as Alison strides across the land below. "Your confidence, it leaves me breathless. Mine own soul begs and pleads for thy corse, thy words, thy very being.." He continues, his slender fingers pressing against the glass. "Shouldst I dare to even look thine way? To simply gaze upon thy cherubic features..if it be true I were not already dead, it wouldst certainly striketh me right there, right then. Ah, but it would be a most fitting way to die."

Thomas huffs, his brows furrowing as his eyes fall upon Mike. "Damn that man…he be nothing but a stain on what wouldst be a lovely, albeit rather quaint, relationship between two souls destined to be." He whispers, a more than noticeable hint of malice slipping into his tone. "If only there was a way to rid this world of such a nuisance..then you and I would finally be together..nay surprises."

With a dreamy eyed look and another huff, this one sounding a bit defeated, Thomas continues to watch the couple outside, his gaze mainly transfixed on Alison. The rest of the world, the lively conversations of the other ghostly residents, seemed to flood past his ears, and it was almost like he could hear a symphony playing inside of his head.

This intrapsychic orchestration was quickly cut short, however, as Julian phased his way into the room.

"Honestly, I can never understand why you’re so captivated by that woman. She’s quite plain, really.” He punctuates, glancing over to the window. "I've seen better. And had better. In fact, there was this one time where I hooked up with-"

“You-” Thomas hisses, turning to the politician with clenched teeth and just the slightest flush upon his cheeks. “How much have you heard?”

He looks a bit like a startled cat at the moment, what with his wide eyes and arched back.

Julian’s own eyes widen just a smidge, almost as if he wasn’t expecting Thomas to ask such a question. “All of it. Well, most of it, actually. It got boring and, dare I say, a bit repetitive after a while, so I sort of just..tuned it out. Especially when you started going on about her husband.”

Thomas huffs and furrows his brows once again, the warm pink flush across his cheeks seeming to darken as he took in Julian’s words.

“Yes, well-” He begins. He glances from the window, to Julian, to the wall behind the politician, then back to the politician in question. “I..erm..I was just..expressing my feelings, is all.”

“About some women who doesn’t even feel the same.” Julian responds, the corner of his lips upturned into a sly smile. “A married woman, no less.”

“You don’t know that.” Thomas immediately retorts. “T-the ‘not feeling the same’, I mean. I know she’s married. She just..she..” He cuts himself off, taking a quick second to stand up. “Why exactly were you listening to me, anyways?”

Julian’s smile remains as he steps over to the settee that Thomas had just stood up from, sitting down and crossing one leg over the other. “Oh, just curious, is all.” He responds, his tone reflecting Thomas’ own a few moments ago. “It’s not everyday I get to hear you actually complete one of your little sonnets.”

“It wasn’t complete..and it’s not even a sonnet.” Thomas mutters under his breath. Julian either didn’t hear his remark, or cared less to press further, as he didn’t respond to it. He instead leans back against the cushion of the furniture, laying his arms across the backrest.

“But, if you must know, I come to you with a quite..important matter.” He adds, looking up at the still standing poet. “One that you’ll find benefits you..in a way.”

Thomas crosses his arms, raising an eyebrow as a skeptic look spreads to his features. “Benefit me?” He repeats. “What is this? What are you getting at?”

Julian takes his arms off the backrest, putting his hands up in a sort of mock-surrender motion. “Think of it as a partnership. You get something, I get something. Everyone’s happy, no fighting, just Kumbaya between us both.”

“But what am I getting out of it?” Thomas asks. “What’s my reward?”

One thing that was easily noticeable about Thomas was that he was horrible at keeping his desires hidden, and if there was one thing Julian was great at, it was finding out a person's ulterior motive.

“I’m not going to kill Alison for you.” He responds almost bluntly. “Tried that already. Obviously, it didn’t work.”

Thomas attempts to hide the pout that forms on his face, looking away for a brief moment. “Right..well, what can you do?”

“I could always…plant something sketchy in her husband's pants pocket.” Julian answers. “Of course, I’d actually have to acquire something like that first, and I’m not quite sure how I’d even get it, but I could try. I could also-”

All of the politician’s other ideas go in one of Thomas’ ears and out the other. Most of them sound too violent, or use big, political terms he’s never heard of before.

“If you could-” He interrupts. “-just maybe…write a few words for her, on her bathroom mirror. You know, while she’s in the shower? That..that would suffice. Nothing vulgar, just…something sweet. You can do that, right?”

Julian looks as if he’s considering the notion for a second, looking up as he thinks. “Well, it would take a lot of time, and even more willpower. I’d also have to go in there while she’s already in the shower, but..I suppose I could try.”

Thomas's eyes go wide, and he claps his hands together. "Splendid!" He exclaims, seeming to be in a much better mood now that Julian has agreed.

Julian couldn't help but chuckle at the poet's sudden mood shift. He sits up against the settee, putting his hands in his lap. "Then it's settled. Now, as for what I want.." He begins, glancing away for a moment. "Would you say that writing romantic poems is your forte?" He asks.

Thomas nods, his arms still crossed. "I'd say so." He responds. A small, barely noticeable smile spreads across his face. "What, would you like for me to write to one of your many dead mistresses?" He adds, chuckling to himself.

Julian doesn't seem to find the poet's joke all that funny. He frowns, looking up at Thomas with a sort of..unsure expression.

"No." He answers, before quickly adding, "Well-yes? Something like that. It's..complicated." He pauses for a second, beginning to twiddle his thumbs.

"I'd like for you to write one of those little poems..for..one of the other ghosts here." He says, sounding much more unsure (and maybe even embarrassed) then he had before. Thomas' eyes scan over Julian's features for a second. Knowing the MP, this could easily be some sort of joke.

"For who?" He asks, putting a hand on his hip. "Because if it's for Fanny, count me out. The last thing I'd want to do is write a poem for a woman so..so ghastly, so wretched, so unsi-"

"It's for Robin."

Thomas could've said a myriad of things in response. He expected a myriad of answers in response. He expected to hear someone else's name, like the Captain or Kitty. Hell, he even expected to hear Pat's name.

Honestly, he expected practically anything other than 'It's for Robin'.

"The…the caveman?" He asks, a mixed look of shock and confusion present on his face. Julian nods frantically, like he's already beginning to regret his decision.

"Yes, the caveman." He responds in a slightly agitated tone. With the way that this was going, he could already tell what the next word out of the poet's lips would be.

"Why?" Thomas asks. "He's so..different."

"I think you'll come to find that different isn't always a bad thing." Julian responds, crossing his arms.

"He's barbaric! The man is just a few steps of devolution away from being a primate!"

"Well, he's a damn good chess player. Got quite the nice face, too. Real easy to speak to, as well."

"He barely knows proper English! His vernacular consists of grunts and just a smidge of basic words!"

"I could fix him.."

"You most certainly could not."

Julian crosses his arms. "And who's to say I couldn't?" He asks, his tone now a bit stern. "Look, will you write the poem or not? We've still got a deal, y'know."

Thomas sighs, scrunching his face. "I'll…try to. But it's going to be really hard to write a love letter to a Neanderthal."

The politician stands, adjusting his dress shirt. "Oh, I'm sure you'll come up with something. Just think about it like this; you're still writing to Alison, only, now she's..really hairy..and..and smelly..and also a caveman.." He responds, looking to the side awkwardly.

A few seconds of silence fall between the two ghosts before Julian begins moving to the door. "Oh, and do try to keep it a secret." He adds. "The last thing I'd want is to have someone else pick up on our buz-ness."

Without another word and one of the MP's classic Newsnight thumbs, Julian phases through the door, leaving Thomas to his thoughts. How on Earth do you write a poem for a caveman?

Chapter Text

Writing a lovey dovey poem about Robin was nothing short of tiring. How does one describe such a…strange and peculiar man in a romantic way? 

If you were to ask Thomas that question, he'd be stumped for an answer.

And despite being the person to think of this entire partnership thing, Julian couldn't think of much, either. 

The two were back in the East Wing, both sitting on the settee. They had skipped Food Club to work on this poem, both knowing full well that Pat would soon go looking for them. 

Thomas impatiently taps his foot, wringing his hands together as he tries to think of..well, anything that could possibly be said about Robin.

Julian scratches his chin, tapping his fingers against the arm rest. “How about… your smell might be putrid, but your heart is…is… well, you can think of the rest, I hope.”

The poet pauses for a moment before sighing dramatically and throwing his hands up. “Oh, this is pointless!” He exclaims. “Honestly, if you had asked me to do this for anyone else, I would’ve had it done by now!” 

Julian sits up in his seat, crossing one leg over the other. “What, just because I happen to fancy the caveman out of the other five ghouls here, you suddenly can’t think of a poem to write about him? Hm? Just because he’s different?”

Thomas scoffs and nods frantically. “ Yes! That is exactly my point! How on Earth do you expect me to write something for a..a troglodyte?!”

The politician seems to take offense to this, standing up abruptly and pointing a finger at the poet.

"Now, you listen here." Julian says in his best, ' If I speak like this, it'll seem like I'm making a valid point.' voice. "That man may be a bit behind evolution wise, but that doesn't make him any less of a person compared to the rest of us. He-"

As Julian goes on about Robin's qualities, the words once again go in one of Thomas’ ears and out the other. Even if he had decided to hear Julian out, his point on Robin would still stand. You could give him anything in the world, anything his unbeating heart, and he still wouldn’t think of Robin as anything more than a cave dweller. 

He tunes back in once Julian appears to have stopped with his ramblings, sitting back down on the settee and adjusting his tie. 

“Now, if you’ve no more insults to throw my way, I’d like to get on with the poem, thank you very much.” Julian says, leaning back in his seat. Thomas once again scoffs, looking down at the floor as he racks his brain for any sort of beginning for this poem.

“Pray tell, how am I supposed to give this to Robin?” He asks, glancing up at Julian. “I can’t exactly put a quill to paper and write something, and even though you have the ability to move things, it would take ages to write it down, much less being able to hold a pen.” 

Julian scratches his chin once more, narrowing his eyes as he ponders the question. Thomas did have a point. Despite his abilities to move objects, he had never really tried holding something in his hand. To be honest, he wasn’t even sure if he was able to. 

“Well, I would ask Alison to help, but, knowing her, she could easily let the good word slip and blow this entire operation.” He responds, looking over to the side. “Plus, I can’t bear to hear anyone ask ‘The caveman?’ again.”

Thomas sighs, running a hand through his hair. “I see…I suppose I could always just..repeat it until it’s etched into my brain. Not that I want to, obviously, but it seems like it’s the only option I have.” 

Julian nods, crossing one leg over the other once again. “Right..well, I’d say we’ve got this in the bag, then. Just think up the poem, repeat it, tell it to Robin, and he and I get together! Bingo-bango, we’re about to be on easy street!” 

“Yes..easy street..” Thomas responds, looking up at the ceiling. “Honestly, I’m surprised we haven’t been found by Patrick yet.” 

Pat had either been waiting for someone to mention him, or he just so happened to be parading around the halls at that very moment, because as soon as the word ‘Patrick’ left Thomas’ lips, the scoutmaster phases through the door. 

“Hope I’m not interrupting anything important-” Pat begins, clasping his hands together. “-it’s just..I couldn’t help but notice that you two weren’t present for Food Club today!” His gaze moves from Thomas to Julian, the usual toothy grin on his face. “Any reason as to why the two of you couldn’t make it?”

Julian slowly turns to Thomas, giving him the ‘ If this fails, just know that you’re going to be the fall guy of this operation” look. Thomas also turns to Julian, giving him the ‘ I am a terrible liar. I could easily let our plan slip, so I’d advise you to give some sort of excuse’ look. 

“We..” Julian begins, his eyes looking every which way. That was one of his tells, that, and grinning while looking to the side. “..were..just..discussing Thomas’ poetry!” 

Thomas’ eyes widen slightly, but he quickly regains composure. “Er-Yes! My poetry! We were discussing a poem I had written about..a..prehistoric human.”

Julian quickly shoots him a ‘You’re on thin ice’ look, to which Thomas responds with a ‘I know' glance and a nod. 

“A prehistoric man?” Pat repeats, raising an eyebrow. “Oh, like Robin! Y'know, he gave us an amazing story about how he used to get his food back in the day. He also mentioned you , Julian. Said he wanted to play chess with you again, and-”

Pat stops himself, as when he brought up Robin, Julian shifted in his seat and looked over to the side. 

“What?” Pat asks, raising an eyebrow. “Is there something up with Robin? What, did you two get into a fight or something?”

Julian’s gaze snaps towards Pat, and he shakes his head.  If he were able to sweat, his face would be soaked right now. “Oh, no..it’s just..we..erm..”

“He’s in love with the caveman.” Thomas blurts out. He frowns, leaning back into the settee and looking over to Julian, shooting him a ‘I’m sorry’ look.

Pat seemed to have the same reaction as when Thomas first found out, going silent as he processed the politician’s words.

“You what?” He mutters after the moment of silence. 

Julian groans, putting his head in his hands. Through the spaces in between his fingers, he looks up and gives Thomas a ‘If you weren’t dead already, I’d kill you here and now.’ look. Thomas nervously grips his breeches, looking down at the floor. 

“I mean, I’m not really weirded out by it, it’s just..y’know, a surprise!” Pat says, attempting to lighten the mood just a bit. “Honestly, I expected you to be more interested in someone like The Captain. But, hey, who am I to judge? We’ve all been here for a long time, and I’m sure there’s been stranger things that have happened.”

Julian looks up, interlocking his fingers and putting his hands in his lap. “You’re not going to tell anyone, right? This was really supposed to only be between Thomas and I.” 

“Oh, your secret’s safe with me.” Pat responds with a grin, holding his hand up in a Scout’s Honor salute. “But..since I'm doing that, I suppose I should be getting something in return..” He adds, his grin turning into more of a coy smile. 

“Yes, whatever it is, I’ll do it.” Julian responds, suddenly sounding a bit desperate. To him, there was nothing worse than someone picking up on your plans, and then wanting something in return in order to keep quiet was even worse. 

Pat looks to Thomas, who is still nervously looking down at the ground, then back to Julian.

“I’d like to be..your wingman. Like in Top Gun!” Pat says cheerfully. “Well…sort of. I’d be a different type of wingman, y’know, the one that helps the guy get the girl! Or, the caveman, in this case.”

“My wingman?” Julian repeats, pursing his lips as he ponders Pat’s proposal. Having a wingman didn’t sound all that bad..Robin was probably the first person Julian had felt actual romantic feelings for in a long time, even before his death, so having someone to essentially hype him up and help him win Robin over seemed like an interesting offer. 

“That doesn’t sound half bad, actually..” He mutters before standing up. He extends his hand out, giving Pat a warm smile. “Why not? I could use a bit of help with this, after all.”

Pat eagerly shakes Julian’s hand, grinning widely. “Great! Now, I propose we move to somewhere else, to discuss this plan further.” He says. “I also want to know all the details regarding you and Robin.” He adds with a chuckle. 

Thomas stands to his feet, looking over to Julian as he and Pat begin to walk out of the East Wing. Julian glances over at him, shooting him a 'I am *this* close to slapping you' look. 

Chapter Text

Pat's addition to the group proved to be surprisingly beneficial. Moving the conversation to the common room, the last few minutes have been spent contemplating the trio's plan.

Persistent as ever, each time Thomas or Julian pointed out a flaw or inconvenience in one of his plans, Pat would double down, improving on said flawed plan and working his way around the problem. 

Here was the plan as they knew it:

1. Get Thomas to write the poem. This part was a lot harder than it sounded, seeing as how he hadn't even come up with a rough draft yet.

2. Make Julian prepare a speech for Robin. Preferably one that "leaves out the raunchy details", as Pat put it. 

3. Have someone, preferably Kitty, distract Robin whilst Julian prepares himself. She was usually great at distracting others, but she might need to be persuaded a bit. 

4. Meet in a secluded room. The library, maybe? Or possibly in Julian's room. They hadn't really come up with a solid answer for this step yet.

5. Have Thomas recite the poem. With romantic flair, of course.

6. Have Julian give his speech. He said that he didn't want it to be over at least three minutes. 

7. Totally woo Robin over.

8. Kiss!

9. Whatever comes next for the two. Thomas refused to even consider what would happen after the kiss. As soon as Julian said "And after that, he and I will-", Thomas made an assortment of random noises in an attempt to shut him up. 

Any more additions would be added later if something were to come up. But for now, this was the plan they were sticking to. 

It seemed foolproof for now. As long as the other ghosts weren't in the way, there wouldn't be a single hiccup in their plan. 

Pat stops pacing around the room, standing in the middle of it. "Right! I'd say we've got this in the bag!" He exclaims, his lips upturned into a wide grin. Julian nods, a similar wide grin on his face.

He couldn't help but find Pat's enthusiasm a bit contagious. If he had known how cooperative he'd turn out to be, he probably would've told Pat about his plan first.  Hopefully, Thomas would eventually turn around and be the same.

The aforementioned poet sits one leg over the other, hands resting upon his knee. 

“Well, then.” He begins, sounding particularly a bit more enthusiastic than he had before, yet still definitely a bit on edge with the entire escapade. “I can hardly think of something that could cause the plan to go awry. I suppose I should begin coming up with the poem now...” 

Julian, moving closer to Thomas, nods once more. “Oh, and, if you can, I would very much like for you to include something about his figure. He seems well built, beneath all that fur.” He responds with a small snort. “Especially under the belt, if ya know what I mean.”

Thomas scrunches his face, inching away from the other man. His enthusiasm seemed to leave just as quickly as it appeared. 

“I will be doing nothing of the sort.” He responds, his tone tinged with its usual dramatic flair. “To assume that I would even consider the thought of writing such obscene material is absurd.” 

Julian rolls his eyes. “Puh-lease, stop with the ‘holier-than-thou’ act, Thomas. We all know that your poems about Alison are all sorts of raunchy.” He says with another snort.

“Raunchy-I will have you know, sir, that I write of Alison in a dignified manner, for that is what a woman as graceful as herself deserves!” The poet cries, swiftly standing to his feet and balling his fists.

“Yes, yes, keep telling yourself that.” Julian quips with a smirk.

Thomas, not one to back down from a way to make himself feel mightier, takes a moment to steady himself, his brows furrowing and a scowl etching his features. “I may be helping you with this little escapade, but if you think, for just a moment, that I would even ponder the idea of describing Robin's anatomy in such a way, then you are sorely mistaken.” 

“Why not?” Julian retorts. “He's got the same bits as the rest of us.” He adds, gesturing down to his legs. “Well, most of us..”

Thomas scoffs, his eyes wide. “It makes no difference! I won't incorporate such filth into my work!”

In an attempt to keep the argument from getting any worse, Pat steps in, holding his hands out in front of the other ghosts.

“Right, we all know that nothing good ever comes from fighting.” He says, his gaze shifting from Julian to Thomas. “So, let’s just cut it out before things get too heated.”

Thomas scoffs once more, tossing his hands up dramatically. “Oh, can it, Pat! I don’t understand why you even agreed to partake in such an idiotic act such as this! I mean, really-”

Pat butts in, pointing a stern finger at the poet. “Now, look here,” He begins, his tone getting higher as he speaks. “I'm only in this for Julian. And he's rather enthusiastic about this, so I think you should be the same.”

(Ordinarily, Julian would've loved to join in on the arguing, especially since it was against Thomas. But now, he felt that arguing with Thomas could most definitely lose the agreement they came to.) 

So, he decided to sit there, watching Pat and Thomas essentially read each other for filth. And he thought his relationship with Thomas was rocky..

The duo’s quarreling is soon cut off with the clearing of someone's throat. Pat turns to Julian, who shakes his head.

A throat is cleared again, and this time, all three ghosts turn to the door. 

It's Humphrey! Well, the head of Humphrey. He's held by Kitty, who looks at the pair with a slightly perplexed expression.

“Room for one more?” Humphrey quips. “Or, one and a half, rather.” 

Kitty strides into the room, Humphrey held securely in her hands. “I was just on my way to reunite Humphrey with his body again when we heard you two bickering.” She says, looking over to Thomas. “Is everything alright?” 

Thomas is quick to move closer to Kitty, feigning a sincere smile and giving a dismissive waft of his hand. “Oh, it’s nothing, really.” He responds. “Just a little squabble between friends is all. You’ve nothing to worry about, Kitty.” 

This reassurance, as blatantly fake as it was, is enough to convince Kitty, who smiles and nods. “Alright, then.” She looks down at Humphrey's head and gives it a gentle pat. “Come along now, Humphrey. If we stay any longer, we're only going to be a distraction.” 

Distraction…Pat's plan mentioned needing a distraction, and preferably mentioned Kitty..

Julian is quick to action, moving in front of Kitty and company. “Actually, Kitty, a distraction might just be what we need .”

Kitty's eyes widen slightly, and her curiosity seems to be immediately piqued. “Really? I always assumed distractions were bad.”

Julian wags a finger and smirks. “Not in this particular case, love. If anything, it's of utmost importance for my, ahem , current predicament.” He says, straightening his tie and glancing over to the side. He leans down, his voice lowering to a sort of whispered tone. “You see, I’ve begun to… fancy Robin, if you can believe that.” 

Kitty exchanges a glance with Humphrey’s, both of their brows raised. “Robin?” Humphrey repeats, pausing for a moment before relaxing his furrowed brow. “Actually, come to think of it, yeah, I can believe that.” 

“..What?” Responds Julian, obviously not expecting such a blatant answer. (Especially one that didn’t involve saying “the caveman?”)

Kitty nods. “You two have always been very close. Especially that time when the power went out.”

“And all the times the two of you exchanged those lingering glances while playing chess,” Humphrey adds. “Don’t think I haven’t noticed, mate. I’ve practically got eyes everywhere.”

“Oh, and Robin doesn't seem to mind that you’re morally bankrupt.” Kitty chimes in.

“Or that you died without trousers.” Humphrey quips.

“Or-”

Julian cuts Kitty off, waving his hands in front of her face. “Alright, I get it!” He clears his throat and straightens his tie. “Anywho, back to current matters. I’ve come to fancy Robin as you know, and I’ve come up with a plan to win him over.” He points to Kitty, who stands at attention. “What I need you to do, Kitty, is distract him while I get everything ready. Dance with him, talk to him, do whatever you can to keep him away from me for…er, let’s say twenty minutes or so. Think you can do that?”

Kitty tilts her head, her eyes narrowing as she considers the proposal. She had always been good at distracting other ghosts, and was usually great at getting distracted herself. She wasn’t particularly close with Robin, not as close as Julian was with him, but, knowing her natural friendly demeanor, she could easily strike up a conversation with the caveman and try and find something to do with him to pass the time.

She holds Humphrey’s head up a bit and whispers to him, and Humphrey makes a few sounds of agreement. She eventually nods, showing Julian her usual bright grin. “I’ll do it!” She responds, and she holds up Humphrey’s head again. “And Humphrey can provide extra surveillance!” 

“Yeah, you can put me up on a table, make sure Robin doesn’t step out of line.” Humphrey responds. 

“Oh, and if you’re going to meet Robin in a different room, maybe we can ask the Captain to help! He’s very good at keeping guard.” Kitty adds, her tone sounding particularly more energetic now that she’s mentioned the Captain. 

Julian nods, making a mental note to begin thinking of a way to persuade the Captain. “Oh, that’s a very good idea, Kitty.” He says, clasping his hands together. “Now, I’ve already made a deal with Pat and Thomas, so if there’s anything either of you need or want, I’m all ears.” 

The duo think for a moment, and Humprehy is the first to respond.

“I want to be picked up whenever my head comes off. For at least a week.” 

Kitty thinks again for a few seconds more. “I want all of us to have a sleepover. I want Alison and Mike to be there, too.” She says, her wide grin remaining. 

Julian snaps his finger and points at Humphrey. “Done. And..” He slowly points to Kitty. “...eh, I’ll see if I can make that happen.” He straightens his tie again. “Well, I suppose that solves things for now. Now, about the Captain..”

“He’s in his room, I think.” Kitty says, tapping her chin with her free hand. “Maybe he’s napping. He’s apparently changed his routine up a bit so he can get just a little more rest.”

“Napping, hm?” Julian responds, scratching his chin. “I think I know what to do..” 

With a nod to no one in particular, Julian turns on his heel and walks out of the room. Humphrey looks up at Kitty. 

“He’s going to spook the old man awake, isn’t he?” 

Kitty nods. “Definitely.”