Archive of Our Own ^beta

You were a beautiful, shimmering creature under those lights. You moved like water, curling your slender body around the microphone, making love to everybody in the room. Your dark hair clung to your forehead and your doe eyes sparkled like the ocean at night. 

Your eyes that made love to me when they glanced across the stage. Your eyes that glowed and made ripples in my belly when you looked up at me. Your eyes that creased at the edges when you grinned, filling me with warmth and sincerity. I wanted to kiss you there, in that dark corner, still reeling from the heat of the performance, but you wanted a cigarette. 

The cold air hit my skin and froze the sweat across my back. My favourite white jacket was back in there somewhere, but I didn’t want to leave your side for even a second to go and search for it. I didn’t want to miss a moment. Perhaps finding, not keeping, is the lesson.

“Did you see that guy at the front, the one that was really going for it?” you chuckled, gripping your jacket closer to your body, breath turning white in the cold air. “The one moshing about? He had a sequinned Placebo t-shirt on, I don’t even know where you’d get one of those!”

“They make them, a girl told me last night!” Steve smiled, bringing the bottle back to his lips. “It’s amazing!”

You cackled your familiar, nasal laugh, leaning your head on my arm, your cigarette tracing a ladder under the dim street light. 

“You were incredible, Brian!” a girl clad in fur giggled as she slinked through the doorway like some glamorous cat, shooting me a playful wink. “All of you were incredible, but Brian- my god, that voice! I can’t wait to hear what you do next. Here’s looking at you, kid!”

She flashed me another knowing smile as she danced into the darkness, arms laced with her similarly opulent friends, fur coats and fishnets mingling together like a single glittery animal.

“Get in together everyone, pretend you like each other.” someone chuckled, holding up a disposable camera and gesturing us together. “Sort your hair Steve, sweaty bastard.”

“Was a bit damp up there wasn’t it?” you looked up at me as you slinked an arm around my back, grinning your toothy, lipsticked, comforting smile. Your cheeks were flushed pink from the cold, your hair curling around your jaw, framing your heavenly face like a painting under the moon. 

I looked away only for the photo, then back down at you. I wanted to pick you up, hold you, kiss you, just have your body close to mine for longer, then your arm slipped away from my waist and I felt the cold more fiercely.  

“We’ll show these pictures to our kids one day.” you said, taking another drag on your cigarette. “Celluloid pictures of living, as rock stars from the 90s.”

“And they’ll say, ‘why’s daddy wearing lipstick?’” Steve snickered, erupting laughter from the group.

I held your hand as we headed back inside. I couldn’t take my eyes off you. I felt your small hand grasp mine again when we found ourselves on the dance floor. You looked up at me and mouthed ‘I love you’, and I could have cried. I wanted to tell you how special you are but words couldn’t express my meaning. Notes could not spell out the score. 

I’ll celebrate these years with you forever. These years with you, sensational, beautiful you, my love.